I say, it\'s 4:00, away with you,
-Stewie! -Change it back!
Oh, forget it-- Jolly Farm Review is on,
It\'s the latest indoctrinating pabulum
for children with not enough to do,
Hey,
Shut up,
Wakey, wakey, children,
( British accents ): Good morning, Mother Maggie,
The sun has risen
on another day in Jolly Farm,
Let\'s see what life\'s rich pageant has in store for us,
Oh, she has the voice of an angel,
Not to mention a balcony you could do Shakespeare from,
Play your song, Melody Sheep
to aid the little one\'s nourishment,
But play softly
for Pengrove Pig wishes to read aloud,,,
BOTH: From his Magic Tome that holds every book ever written!
"These were difficult times for the children of Ipswich
when the lollipop famine cursed their pleasant village,,, "
How can you stand watching this?
It\'s dreck and you know it,
Oh, don\'t have the guts to respond, huh?
No intelligent defense of this unmitigated crap?
Commercial!
( groans )
I\'m going to get some graham crackers,
Welcome back to Kiss Forum, Rhode Island public access\'s
most popular show about Kiss,
Lois hurry, it\'s back on!
Calm down, Peter, you know I wouldn\'t miss a second of this,
Okay, let\'s take a call, You\'re on Kiss Forum,
MAN: Kiss rules! Whoo!
( chuckles ): Okay, good call, good call,
All right, hey, you\'re on Kiss Forum,
MAN #2: Yeah, Kiss sucks,
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Trace the call, trace the call,
Yeah, um, they suck big time, They bite ass,
Wait a second, I recognize that voice,
Is this Dennis De Young, lead singer from Styx?
Come clean, man,
Yeah, yeah, it\'s me, It\'s Dennis,
Dennis, you jealous douche, how about I crank a little
"Detroit Rock City" and play "Come Sail Away"
and we can see how they stack up side by side, huh?!
You want that, you high-voiced bastard?!
We\'ll be right back after this,
Hey, didn\'t see you come in,
We\'re just getting into shape for our upcoming tour,
We\'re playing five big show in five days,
-So, if you\'re,,, -Rock and roll!
Why don\'t you just sit in the corner, huh? Go on,
So, if you\'re a Kiss fan and you live in the Northeast
come out for all five shows
of what we\'re calling "Kiss-Stock,"
Aw, hell, the Northeast?
You know, it\'s times like this
I curse the fact that we live in French Polynesia,
No, Peter, we\'re in the Northeast,
We are?
And Kiss is coming to the Northeast,
Th-That means,,, uh,,,
That means,,,
No, no, Lois, don\'t help me,
It means we can do something,,,
Come on, Peter, you\'re almost there,
( drilling )
We can go to Kiss-Stock!
( screams )
PETER: Hey, yo, Lois!
-What? -I\'m packing for Kiss-Stock,
I can\'t find my favorite underwear,
The pair with the rip in the right butt cheek
from when you stepped on them pulling them up
in the airplane bathroom from when you had the trots?
No, no, the pair with the hole in the left butt cheek
from when I held it in for two hours
\'cause it was that extra long
Palm Sunday Church sermon
and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus
so I let it go in the vestibule after mass
and it sounded like Louis Armstrong?
Oh, bottom drawer,
Children, tell Mother Maggie
what you want to be when you grow up?
-A scientist, -A novelist,
A Cambridge don,
Oh, what\'s my future
coming from these squalid surroundings?
Getting into a fight with some dude at the Laundromat
\'cause he was hitting on my baby\'s mama?
I should be there, not here,
London,,,
Hey, Dad, can me and Meg
stay up late every night
while you\'re at Kiss-Stock?
You can do whatever you want, son
just don\'t eat from the Candy tree,
He\'s right to caution you, I feed on children,
( screams )
You don\'t mind watching Stewie for a few days, do you, Brian?
No, ever since Jolly Farm Review came on
he\'s been pretty distracted-- it\'ll be a breeze,
Well, bye, everyone,
I can\'t believe my stupid parents are going to spend
five days following stupid old Kiss around,
It\'s painful,
Not half as painful as a tire iron upside your head,
What?
I\'ll miss you,
Hey, Stewie, what do you want for lunch?
STEWIE: "Dear stupid dog
"I\'ve gone to live
"with the children on Jolly Farm,
Good-bye forever, Stewie,"
"P,S, I never got a chance to return that sweater
"Lois gave me for Christmas,
"I left the receipt on top of my bureau,
"I\'m probably over the 30-day return limit
"but I\'m sure if you make a fuss
"they\'ll at least give you a store credit or something,
"It\'s actually not a horrible sweater,
"It\'s just I can\'t imagine when I\'ll ever wear it, you know?
"Oh, and, uh, I also left a button on the bureau,
"I\'m not sure what it goes to
"but I can never bring myself to throw a button away,
"I know as soon as I do, I\'ll find the garment it goes to
"and then,,, and then it\'ll,,,
"Wait a minute, actually, could it have been from the sweater?
"Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm,
"Well, I should wrap this up before I start to ramble,
Again, good-bye forever,"
"P,P,S, You know what?
"It might be a little chilly in London,
"I-I\'m actually going to take the sweater,
Oh, my God!
One of these planes must be going to London,
Queue up, children, Spit-spot,
Here are the tickets, miss, These are all ours, Thank you,
Spit-spot, Albert Hall, meat and two veg, Big Ben
Dave Clark Five, Spam and eggs, pip-pip, cheerio,
Hot towel?
Yes, thank you,
Well, come on!
What the hell are you doing here?
I\'m taking you off this plane,
Well, think again, Rover,
Great,
I\'m stuck on a transatlantic flight with a petulant runaway,
How could this get any worse?
You know what I hate about flying?
The peanuts-- first of all, you can\'t get them open,
Who are they trying to keep out of these things?
What\'s the deal
with the razor blade slot in the bathroom?
Are people actually shaving in there?
Hi, Andy Dick here, Excuse me,
I\'ve got to get my bag up in the overhead bin here,,,
Oh! Whoa! No! No! Wow, that\'s wacky,
( sighs )
( beep )
That wasn\'t so bad, was it? Did you sleep at all?
Yeah, a little,
Ugh, I couldn\'t sleep a wink, My pillow smelled like farts,
That\'s all right, because we\'re in England,
Uh-oh,
Well, I don\'t get it,
Where are England\'s verdant fields,
its rosy-rumped maidens and bucktoothed solicitors?
About 3,000 miles that way, We\'re in the Middle East,
Where are we going?
I don\'t know, I\'m not exactly familiar
with this particular Arabian Village,
VENDOR: Stuff for sale!
Bad, cheaply made stuff for sale!
Hey, Americans! You like movies?
I\'ve got "Dude, My Car is Not Where I Parked It
But Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt,"
Camels for sale, this one owned by little old man
who only drove it to mosque on Sundays,
Just had its knees replaced,
Well, great, buy one, and let\'s get out of here,
What do you mean, buy one?
All I\'ve got is 50 bucks,
We\'re going to have to distract them--
follow my lead,
( show tune begins )
You and I are
So awfully different
Too awfully different
To ever be pals
-Do you want to go first? -Yeah, I\'ll go,
Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade
Oh, you\'re one to talk,
You get a stiffy from Phylicia Rashad
Oh, one time,
I\'ve a style flair
Just look at my hip hair
Oh, yeah, that\'s quite a nice \'do there,
Thanks,
For me to poop on!
-What? -Come on, you look like Charlie Brown,
Bite me, Snoopy,
There\'s not a whole lot
That we\'ve got to agree on
\'Cause I love the strings of a classical score
And I like that singer who looks like a whore
-Ricky Martin? -Love him,
We\'re too different to ever be pals
-You and I are -Doo, doo, doo
So awfully different
Doo, doo, doo
Too awfully different
Doo, doo, doo
To ever be pals
Doo, doo, doo,doo, doo doo
Your head\'s as massive
As a meteorite
STEWIE: Oh, very funny,
You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light
I bet money
You\'ll marry a honey
Who\'s pretty and funny
And her name will be Ted
Oh, a gay joke,
I just work with what you give me,
You might think we\'re \'NSync
But we stink,,,
As a duo
\'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts
And you get a kick out of stroking your,,,
Whoa, whoa, you can\'t say that on TV,
-What, ego? -Never mind,
We\'re too different to ever be pals
( music fades )
Oh, man, we\'re screwed, We\'re lost in the desert,
We have no food, no water
and our camel is dead from exhaustion,
( sobbing ): And I had named him and given him a back story,
"Chucky had the biggest hump of all the camels in his village
"and he was picked on for it,
"But then, there was a terrible drought
"and Chucky went to the oasis at great risk--
"\'cause he was like that--
"and he drank and drank
"and stored enough water in his massive hump
"to slake the thirst of the entire,,,
Cut the maudlin crap, we\'re in trouble here!
It\'s already below freezing and it\'s getting colder,
We\'re going to die unless,,, unless we do something drastic,
What?
We have to slice open our camel\'s stomach
and shelter ourselves in his entrails,
( gasps ): Eviscerate Chucky? I won\'t do it!
Look, we\'ll die if we don\'t,
( sighs ): All right,
Oh, God, it\'s like Orson Welles\'s autopsy!
All right, just hold your breath and go,
What are you doing?
Wiping my feet, I don\'t want to track any sand inside,
Once you get it in there, you can\'t get it out,
( inhales )
( gagging : Oh, God!
Oh, God, I just threw up in his lung!
Look, I know it\'s gross, but when you\'re desperate
and you\'re staring death in the face
you have no other choice but to,,,
Oh, there\'s a Comfort Inn,
STEWIE: Really?
Yeah, good luck for us, huh?
You know, actually, once you feng shui the organs
it\'s kind of cozy,
Oh, isn\'t this exciting?
Hey, anyone got a light?
Thanks,
Peter, look, there\'s Dave and Dottie, the nudists,
Well, hey, there, Griffins,
Dave, Dottie, what a pleasant surprise,
Don\'t tell me you\'re Kiss freaks, too,
Kiss Army soldier since 1977; how about you?
\'76, I don\'t think anyone knows more about Kiss than I do,
I-I\'m sorry, what was that?
Peter, it\'s not important,
Let him answer, Lois,
I said no one knows more about Kiss than I do,
Fellas, please keep it civil,
I\'m not sure I like the tone of your voice, Dave,
Well, throw down if that\'s what you want,
Name Gene Simmons\' special effects mentor,
Amazo the Magician,
What high school did Paul Stanley go to?
New York High School of Music,
Paul and Gene\'s band before Kiss,
Wicked Lester,
What year did Kiss appear on the Jim Nabors Halloween special?
Trick question-- it was Paul Lynde, and it was 1975,
Now, recite the magazine ad
that brought Peter Criss to Paul and Gene\'s attention,
BOTH: "Drummer willing to do anything to make it,"
Rolling Stone, October, 1972,
-Exemplary! -Rock \'n roll!
How in the hell are we going to get out of here?
Are you going to finish your red paste?
No,
What about your sweet, crusty thing?
No, you can have it,
No more balloon for you!
I am sick of you tooling around the village in that thing
honking at the girls
blasting your 1980s American rock music
that we got here last week,
But, Father,,,
Go to your palace!
Are you thinking what I\'m thinking?
Ugh, yes-- just wait
until they have to suffer through Jesus Jones,
Pee-yew!
Not that; the balloon,
Oh, yes, the balloon, Let\'s take it,
Wow, I didn\'t know it really looked like that,
Oh, neither did I,
Such lovely printing, too,
,,,Yeah, people shout it, you people shout it,,,
Oh, Lois, here comes the best part,
I wanna rock and roll all night,,,
And have a wonderful,,, time
( mic feedback )
Is that it?
Oh, n-no, it\'s, uh,,,
And something-something all,,, day
Right?
Oh, man, I\'ve lost all faith in mankind,
Music is dead to me now,
Hey, now\'s our chance!
Let\'s do it!
Pardon me, boy
Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?
Track 29
And can you give me a shine?
I say, where the hell are we?
Pope? Pope!
( groaning )
It\'s-a time to get up and put on your hat,
It\'s a stupid hat,
Pope?!
All right, okay, God!
( flushing )
Pope, the floor is not a hamper,
Man!
Good, Now it\'s-a time to go on the balcony
and address-a the people,
Il nome,,,
Ah!!!
( yelling )
All right, all we got to do is find the American Embassy
and they\'ll help us get home,
Home? I have no intention of returning
to that disgusting hovel with that intolerable woman
that fat slob, and that insufferable dog,
Oh, you\'re right here, aren\'t you?
Oh, well, I stand by it,
My future is with Jolly Farm,
You really think that, don\'t you?
I know it,
Okay, we\'ve got three days
until Peter and Lois get back from their Kiss concerts,
Let\'s go to Jolly Farm,
Now you\'re talking,
You make-a the Pope look like a fool,
God will make you pay,
Smite them!
He\'s a-cooking a-something up,
I say, Brian, look-- three rows down,
What?
Is that Tom Bosley?
What would Tom Bosley be doing
on a train in Switzerland?
I\'m almost certain, Tom!
Did he look?
I don\'t know,
Well, if I yell, you have to watch,
Tom Bosley!
No, it\'s not him,
Huh,
Besides its beautiful historic architecture
Munich was the home of many great writers
such as Thomas Mann,
You\'ll find more on Germany\'s contribution to the arts
in the pamphlets we have provided,
Yeah, uh, about your pamphlet--
um, I\'m not seeing anything about German history
between 1939 and 1945,
There\'s just a big gap,
Everyone was on vacation!
On your left is Munich\'s first city hall
erected in 15,,,
Wait, w-w-wait, what are you talking about?
Germany invaded Poland in 1939,
We were invited!
Punch was served! Check with Poland!
You can\'t just ignore those years,
Thomas Mann fled to America
because of Nazism\'s stranglehold on Germany,
Nope, Nope, He left to manage a Dairy Queen,
A Dairy Queen? That\'s preposterous,
I will hear no more insinuations about the German people!
Nothing bad happened!
( yelling in Germanlike Hitler )
Uh, i-is that a beer hall?
Oh, yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls,
Why is everybody glaring at us?
Why, Lois?
I\'ll tell you why,
Your faux pas last night at the concert
was so upsetting
I had to call a university professor
to tell me what phrase I could use
to describe it,
Use "faux pas,"
Thanks, Professor,
You\'ve been living a lie all these years,
You represented yourself as a Kiss fan, and why?
To make me look foolish,
No, to make you happy,
I wanted to share in all aspects of your life, Peter
but I just was never that big a Kiss fan,
Yeah, I should have guessed that
when you were willing to dress up as Peter Criss,
No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois, not even Peter Criss,
I guess I\'m just not as cool as you thought I was,
I guess not,
Oh, I\'m exhausted,
Let\'s get a coffee,
( coughing)
Ugh, this smoke is so acrid,
Ugh, a man can hardly breathe in here,
You should get some hash, man,
You can\'t go wrong,
Oh, not true,
Ground meat can go very wrong for me very quickly
and everyone in this room will suffer the consequences,
You are out there, man-- in the ether,
Yes, well, I\'d love to further pursue our palaver
but I\'m not fluent in Freaka
so I\'m just going to turn back over here--
back towards my table,
Say, are you hungry?
I wasn\'t when I came in
but isn\'t that so funny?
I\'m getting there,
Yeah, same here,
I think the only reason we die is that,,,
Dude, dude
I know what you\'re going to say
and I am so completely,,,
W-w-w-w-wait, wait, wait, ssh-ssh-ssh-ssh,
The only reason we die
is because we accept it as an inevitability, Ah!
Do you think I\'ll ever find the right woman?
Oh, God, I,,, yes, man!
Come on, dude, you\'re great,
Peter, are you ever going to forgive me?
Lois, I am obligated to keep loving you
so I will take my rage out on my own body,
Let\'s go to Denny\'s,
Oh, man
I don\'t believe it! Kiss is here!
We don\'t deserve to be under the same roof with them,
Let\'s go,
Well, all right,
I guess I could fix us something when we,,, Chaim?
Lois, do not address Kiss unless they address you first!
Oh, my God, Chaim Witz? It is you!
Uh, which one do you want me to sign, left or right?
No, no, no, it\'s Lois-- Lois Pewterschmidt,
I knew you before you changed your name,
Lois! I don\'t believe it,
It\'s been ages,
Hey, guys, this is the girl I told you about,
You know, I knew her before we formed Kiss,
"Loose Lois,"
Cool-- Loose Lois!
The legend herself!
My Grand Slam was supposed to be with sausage,
I never realized
you were Gene Simmons, the rock star,
You look great, Lois,
Anyone nailing you now?
Yes, my husband nails me,
This is him, Peter,
You,,, are,,, gods!
Yeah, thanks, right,
Hey, we\'re recording some tracks in Boston next month,
You should come on by,
We\'d love that, Chaim, I mean Gene, you big rock star,
( chuckling ): Bye,
Oh, wow, such a small world,
He was a nice boy,
And he\'s still nice,
Listen, Lois, uh, what I said before,,,
I\'ve never been more wrong in my life,
You are the coolest girl in the world,
My wife did Kiss!
And J, Geils,
-What? -Nothing,
There it is-- the BBC,
Well, this is it,
I\'ll say good-bye to you now,
Well, have a good life, Stewie,
Mmm, I shall,
Oh, hey, I meant to ask you,
Did you ever find out
what that button on my bureau was from?
Oh, yeah, Chris\'s denim jacket,
Ah, I like that jacket,
It looks good on him,
Okay, then, so, we\'ll keep in touch?
Sure,
Well, I have your address,
See you,
( gasping )
Oh, there\'s Happy Hill!
( grunting )
What the deuce?
( gasping )
Pengrove! Pengrove Pig!
Pengrove, I\'ve come to live on Jolly Farm,
Oh, my-- the Magic Tome!
Well, it\'s, it\'s cardboard,
A-and there are no words,
There are just,,, what is it you\'ve drawn here?
Oh, that\'s Oswald Owl slammin\' Mother Maggie
in one of them Chinese baskets,
( laughing )
( yelling )
Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God!
Something\'s terribly wrong!
( Cockney accent ): Whose stinky brat is this?
Oh,,, oh, that not your voice,
Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute,
Piss off, you grotty little wanker!
It\'s a fake,
It\'s not real,
I thought it would be best
for you to find out on your own, kid,
I feel like such a fool,
Don\'t even look at me,
Hey, come on, You want to get some ice cream?
That would make you feel better, right?
You want to get some McDonald\'s?
You want to take a dump in Mother Maggie\'s shoes?
Okay, let\'s go take a dump in Mother Maggie\'s shoes,
Jolly Farm is on, Stewie,
Don\'t you want to watch?
Oh, the Stewie who loved Jolly Farm
is dead, Megan,
Meet the Stewie who loves funky fruit hats,
Ooh, turn it up,
Mom and Dad are on,
Hey, we\'re back here with more Kiss Forum,
I\'m here with the Griffins
and they got something really exciting to share,
Yeah, my wife here did Kiss,
Get out of here!
Hand to God,
Whoa! Peter, how does that make you feel?
I feel like I\'ve done Kiss, too, Donny
and it feels good,
Lois, you got any tips
for the young girls in the audience tonight?
Well, I guess the best advice I can give
is that you never know who\'s going to grow up to be famous
so, just make yourself available,
Cool, cool,
Well, that\'s our show for tonight,
Now, stay tuned for Battlestar Galactica Forum,
Welcome to Battlestar Galactica Forum,