- Mama! - What?
Can't just knock and walk in like that, ya mama,
I saw everything when you were a baby,
I'm not a baby anymore,
Wow!
- It's not for you, Mama, - Who is it for?
None of your business, okay, Mama?
None of my business?
Sameer,
Sameer, habibi, can you please move this stuff out?
I don't need you walking in, Your room's so much bigger than mine,
Can you please just--
Oh my God!
Crystal's play time is scheduled in here today from 1:00 to 2:00,
I just want to remind you,
- Great, Great, - Yeah,
- Make sure you feed her, - Okay, I'll feed her,
Mama, I'll fix it, Can you just…
Okay,
Why you open account in bank, man?
It's a pyramid scheme, You don't know?
Bro, this is not a bank, It's a credit union,
Union, That's even worse, bro,
You… You know union is like cartel,
They set the wage instead of the price, Same thing, bro,
- How's it working with your family? - A dream come true,
I can't believe it's a reality,
Seriously?
At home, it's a nightmare, I don't have any privacy,
Mo, you got a curtain in your room overlooking your living room,
like you're about to do a puppet show,
"I'm Mo, I need a loan, I don't have a girl, I'm a refugee,"
You've never had privacy,
Okay, I get it, All right? We're in America,
Eighteen years old, move out of the house,
What happened to family, being close together?
But you're right,
Maybe we were close enough, and I gotta move,
Guys, I will take a refugee in, no problem,
No, thank you, Okay, all due respect,
I got you, bro, I made assessment of your life,
I know what is good for you,
You come stay now with me and Dallas in our home,
I have a private guest room, electricity, everything,
And there is a big private bathroom,
It's so big, bro,
So clean,
You can shit all day,
Until you find house, you know? Very good,
I find your whole life problematic,
but an en suite bathroom is really appealing at this point,
Plus, Austin, Dallas' sister, she live next door,
Okay, she's not as beautiful as my Dallas,
She's not as tender as Dallas,
But she's ready for marriage,
Okay, All right, now you're stepping into a whole new zone,
Do you have a dating app now? You doing arranged marriages?
I don't want my mom doing it, much less you,
If you get married to Austin,
all your legal trouble, boo, go away,
Nigga, it's boom, not boo,
Boo, be, bah, who gives shit, bro?
I showed her his picture, she like,
She was intrigued,
Bro, if you come, maybe you meet,
Maybe there is connection,
Marriage! Bismillah, you know?
What's the fine print?
Uh, um… She sounds desperate,
You are desperate,
So what? I feel like the only thing you should do is meet her,
"You should at least meet her,"
"Get your life together, just like me,
even though I'm raising somebody else's baby,
and we're pregnant together,"
"And we moved in, and we're not married,"
"Yeah, bro, Shee foo,"
"You don't get to talk because my life is better than yours
because I found blondie,"
Why don't y'all mind your own fucking business?
Mo, if you get caught anywhere doing anything,
- ICE can do whatever they want with you, - Exactly, bro,
So, in this specific instance,
I'm siding with Hameed,
It's not criminal,
It is,
It's non-violent,
All right,
- Come on, Uncle Mo! - All right, here we go,
- Show them how it's done, Mo, Let's go, - Come on, you can do this!
- I mean, Jesus, - What was that?
It got stuck on my finger,
Hey, don't make excuses, Uncle Mo,
I'm not making excuses, What if I threw you down there?
Yes,
- All right, All right, - Yeah,
- Let's see what you got, - Show him, Osama,
Show Uncle Mo what you can do,
- Oh! - Look at that, right there, See,
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Wow! That's really good, - Right down the middle,
- High five, - Solid, I'm not gonna lie, Solid,
What're you looking at?
The settlers attacked people's homes in Ramallah again,
And when the IDF came, they killed a 17-year-old Palestinian boy,
I saw that,
It's horrible,
- Wait, Mo, Stay there, Got you something, - What?
I was at the Minute Maid Park last week, and I saw this shirt in the window,
and it screamed your name,
I'm serious,
Look at this,
Huh?
That's…
- That's… - It's perfect,
Yeah, it's okay, Bob, It's not perfect,
This is a you shirt, This is not a me shirt,
- No way! - Looks like the mascot just shat this out,
This is unbelievable,
Mo, this is you in fabric form, I mean, it's fun, it's loud, It's got--
Yeah, no, it's nice, Listen, I'm sorry, It's a nice gift,
Thank you,
Thank you, Thank you, Bob,
You know what's not horrible?
- We're all here together, - Yes,
Don't poison your spirit,
Put your phone away,
Ya mama,
Come on, we're gonna have fun whether you like it or not,
- No, - Yes, You're gonna bowl,
- Ya mama, - Yep, Yep, Come on,
No, don't worry about the holes, Just grab it,
- Okay, - That's the right move,
- Yeah, right here, No, no, - No!
- What you doing? - No, Just do it like this,
- Like this? - Yes,
Gently,
One, two, three,
Go, All right, look at that,
- Nice! - Oh my God,
Oh my God!
- Amazing, That's really… - I told you,
- That's really amazing, - I told you,
- You're a natural, Mama, - Beginner's luck,
Beginner's luck?
Guys, where's Osama?
I don't know, He was just bowling,
- Have you seen him? - No,
Probably just playing games or something,
Osama,
Osama!
He's right there,
Dude, why were you screaming?
- Come on, let's play some games, - Yeah,
Hey, who ordered a pizza pie?
There we go,
Goal!
Have you ever thought about taking Sameer to see a therapist?
What for?
To improve his social skills, his quality of life,
What's wrong with his life?
Okay, you know how Osama was having those outbursts?
We took him to see a therapist,
and it turns out he has a form of level one autism,
Why are you rolling your eyes?
Your boy has a tantrum,
Suddenly, it's a disorder,
I mean, like everything is kind of a disorder now,
You miss the sun in the winter, it's a disorder,
Yeah, well, I do get blue during the wintertime,
if I'm speaking my truth,
because it gets dark so early,
- It's very brave of you to share, - Thank you,
- What's with the napkin there? - The olives fall off and stuff,
Okay, seriously, therapy is actually helping him,
I see it in his impulse control, Right?
- Yeah, - I mean, what if--
Nadia, don't start,
Osama is your child, Sameer is mine,
What about what the doctor said? Remember when he was a kid?
What doctor?
Mom and Dad took Sameer to see a doctor after we moved to Houston,
and the doctor said Sameer might have a form of autism,
What does it matter?
He's happy, He's living his wonderful life,
Ah, Mashallah!
- Yes, - No,
- But also, what she said is, you know… - Mm-hmm,
…a good point,
I mean, maybe that's not a bad idea,
I mean, let him go to therapy,
I mean, he does get overwhelmed,
Exactly, and we all see it, So why are we pretending?
I'm not pretending, I don't think anybody's pretending,
I'm just saying I think he should go see a therapist,
No! Sameer needs love
and care and support,
Of course,
And all that, praise God, he has,
So, Sameer does not have a disorder,
What disorder?
Disorder of fries,
Can you get it for me? Can you check on it?
- Okay, - Thank you, habibi,
Did Mama tell you that I'm moving in with Hameed?
Try that out for a bit,
- Congrats, - Thanks,
And you're not upset about this?
No, I am,
I'm in therapy for it,
Hmm,
Best night in my life,
I don't remember you having a sword,
Yeah, I didn't have a sword,
I got an Etsy artist to add it to the picture, you know,
He looks hot with that sword, doesn't he?
Handsome, So handsome,
Never mind, Come, bro, Check my DVD collection,
I got over 50 movies, okay?
All the Rambo, all the Rocky movies,
Creed 1, Creed 2,
- No Creed 3? - No, habibi,
No Stallone, no Hameed, Come, check this out,
This is my ottoman, Ah!
Okay, This is real cow leather shipped from Arizona via the "oops,"
He means UPS,
Hey, come check this clock, Yeah, you like this clock?
Fuck you, man!
It is a Glock inside the clock,
What the fuck, Hameed?
I look at these people, bro,
and nobody is actually ready for when the shit hits the fan
and goes down, okay?
But not me, not Hameed, Hey, you know what? Look,
♪ Oh, say can't you see… ♪
No, you cannot see anything, You are dead,
You wanna travel? You wanna go somewhere?
Ha! You go to hell, baby!
Look, this… This is not real, Just to scare them, you know?
Achoo! Bless you, You want tissue?
Ha-ha, No, you die, baby,
Fifty percent of my budget goes on safety,
Poor and alive, better than rich and dead,
Why so many, Hameed?
Because you never know where they come from, bro,
Who is they?
Who's they? They are anybody, everybody, bro,
You can be chilling in the living room…
…laughing, having fun,
They come in, you are ready, You have a gun,
Hey, maybe you are taking a shit in the bathroom,
Yeah, thinking, "Why did I eat that yesterday?"
Then, ah, they come in, You are ready, You take a gun,
You shoot, You know, it's like that, bro,
I got a gun in each room in this house,
Hey, safety is a top priority in our house,
- Clearly, - Ah, bro, she gets me, I love you,
- And I love you too, - Yeah,
I'm glad, but I don't know what planet you're on,
I mean, the arsenal you have here, you could take over Guatemala,
Listen, I appreciate the tour, but I am exhausted,
Okay, can I sit down now?
No, no, wait, you cannot sit down,
You have to see your room, bro,
You have a suite, You have a private bathroom,
- Now you're talking, - Here we go,
Your retreat,
A home away from home,
Yeah, Hi,
Oops,
I'll take that,
Sleep well, Mohammed,
Oh, thank you,
So sweet, You have a lovely home,
Appreciate the hospitality,
What the fuck is this?
Not to be disrespectful, but this is out of control,
Why are all these dolls here?
And who is this lady?
This is the mother of Dallas, and she died in this bed, bro,
We keep it the same since she go,
But the sheets is clean,
Great,
This is not important, all of this stuff, bro,
What is important that tomorrow
you're gonna come with me to the barbecue contest,
and you will ask Austin on a date,
Not okay, You need to let this go,
Forget about the Austin stuff,
Austin stuff?
This is not stuff, bro,
I know what is good for you, Believe me, man,
Austin is perfect bride for you,
Show me a picture,
You should love the heart,
The looks fades away,
Listen, bro, okay?
You are broke,
you don't have money,
you don't have job,
you're a fucking refugee,
and your life is shit,
I should slap you with this five in your face, bro,
I mean no disrespect, okay?
Listen, bro, you will marry Austin,
You will become my brother, and we will become big family, okay?
Put your shit down,
What are you doing?
They are here,
Get ready,
- Who's they? - Let's go,
- What do you mean? - They are here,
- What's happening? - Show it, bud,
What's happening? Tell me,
Put your trust in God,
- Don't be scared, - I'm not scared,
- Put your trust in God, - Tell me who, man,
Shoot!
Who's here?
Oh God, who is it?
I'm not scared, I'm not scared,
Who's here? I'm not scared,
- Grandma? - Not from the center, my love,
Start here and stay on the straight path,
And don't go to the left or to the right,
Do you understand, habibi?
My beloved grandmother,
In the name of God,
You are my spirit,
Did you miss Grandma or not?
Miss you so much,
So, where is the key?
There's the key,
They are here,
Do you understand, habibi?
Yes, Grandma,
You like the hummus, kiddo?
There, there, you're all right now,
Everything is okay,
Is this still a dream?
I didn't mean to scare you, I just…
I saw you tossing and turning, like you were having a bad dream…
I overstepped, didn't I?
I am… I am so sorry,
No, I was having a bad dream,
Aw, you poor thing,
Do you want to talk about it?
Sorry, Who are you?
Oh, I'm Austin,
You're Austin!
I was just bringing you a little breakfast in bed,
You know, start your day off right,
Don't worry, it is chicken sausage, We don't eat pork either,
- Wow, - Mmm,
Dang it, It's too much, isn't it?
No,
It's like a Golden Corral buffet,
You know, you have to go back and forth, This is all here,
Aw! I just…
I have this thing where I get an idea in my head,
and then I commit full throttle,
And it's just my nature to nurture,
Like, if you went down to my core and you extracted my essence,
it would be all care and compassion,
Oh, dig in!
How is it?
Mmm,
It's fantastic,
I could do this every day if you wanted,
The breakfast?
I'm sorry,
That was, mm-hmm…
That was extra again,
Mmm,
I am really botching this thing, ain't I?
No, this is the sweetest thing anyone's done for me in…
Gosh, I can't even remember, Thank you,
Is there maple in this?
Yes, You have a good palate,
So good, I watch Food Network,
Love it, Can't get enough of it,
Chopped, My favorite,
Oh! Me too!
- Yeah? - Yeah,
Oh! Money!
- What did Hameed tell you about me? - Oh, just the basics, really,
You know, about you being deported,
and having that ankle bracelet and all that,
Boy, he really knows how to sell me, doesn't he?
No, he also said that you were loyal,
have good values,
love your family,
you're a hard worker,
That's more like it, That's definitely me,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
I'm gonna beat you, Oh! Oh boy,
- Oh, it's so far! - That was way off,
Now, would you say you're a go-with-your-gut kind of guy?
Yeah, I follow my instincts,
Most of the time, it serves me well,
Sometimes I get an ankle bracelet,
"You've been deported!"
Well, then we have that in common,
because whenever I go with my gut, hand to God, I always get it right,
Yeah?
And I just have this feeling that you and I…
- I'm not gonna say it, - What? Say it,
- No, I don't wanna say too much, ruin it, - Don't be scared,
Just sometimes I get so excited, you know?
Oh yeah?
How much coffee have you had today?
I've been caffeine free for a year now,
Really? No other substances?
No, No drugs or alcohol, I don't need it,
Oh, I was gonna do some cocaine just to keep up with you,
Don't you ever sniff the devil's powder,
Oh, no, I'm not… doing the devil's powder,
Hmm,
You have a great smile,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
You have great boots too,
Oh, thank you,
It's your turn,
Say, you like barbecue?
Why? You want to take me
to the World Championship barbecue contest?
Depends, Can you two-step?
- You're telling me you can two-step? - Of course, What kind of Texan can't?
- Okay! - I'll twirl you,
- You wanna twirl me? - Be careful, I might, I'll twirl you,
- Are you serious? - Come on, Yeah,
Oh boy!
♪ Dusting them stools off Racking them pool balls
♪ 'Bout to turn the closed sign 'round… ♪
♪ Little later on… ♪
I told you I got you!
Oh my God! Yes!
All right, We'll take it to the howdy,
Howdy!
♪ It won't be long 'Til the good time's on… ♪
♪ 'Bout to get country 'Round here tonight ♪
Nah, No, no, I said raw sugar for the rub,
- Raw sugar, - Raw sugar,
Brown sugar burns, That's why the bark's all fucked up,
- Come on, man, - I got it, I'll take care of it, Chef,
- I think it's great, - Mmm,
This is fantastic,
I can't tell the difference,
Thanks, babe, but the judges can, though,
Uh-- Put a little more olive oil on the chicken, please,
Does your family care that I'm a Catholic?
No, they're as atheist as they come,
Why?
Is yours giving you shit for dating a Jewish guy, huh? Huh?
No, No, My mom is gone, and my dad is another story,
And my tías are in Mexico,
My Tía Luisa shits on everybody, so who cares?
I think if I had kids and they weren't Jewish,
they'd have a problem with that, yeah,
But I thought you said you were an atheist,
No, my family's atheist, I'm agnostic,
I don't know what the fuck's going on,
But, yeah, like, Christians, Muslims, Hindus,
they all have, like, over a billion-plus on their team,
Us Jews, we have, like, 16 million on our squad, Tops,
So when you have kids, you're gonna raise them Jewish?
God, no, I'm never having kids,
I got my hands full with these kids as it is,
Ah, ah, ah, ah, remember what I told you? Up top for even distribution,
Look, I definitely wanna have my own kids,
I just don't wanna do what my friend Nick's doing,
He's raising somebody else's child, and there's nothing wrong with that,
God bless him, God love him,
I support him, but I'm really afraid of being a stepdad,
- I guess you could say I'm traditional, - Yeah,
Oh, me too,
Oh, oh, I love traditional,
Like, I see myself on a ranch with a pond,
kids playing with the ducks and goats,
and me just taking care of my man,
You know? Cooking his meals, ironing his shirt,
I'm in,
I mean, just judging by the breakfast, I mean, you'd be great at it,
You think so?
Yeah, absolutely,
Barbara was so right about you,
Yeah? What'd she say?
She said I would meet a man from the East with a shortened name
who was marriage material, and here you are,
I knew it too,
Oh, from the moment Hameed showed me your photo, I knew,
Wait, Who's Barbara?
My psychic medium,
You… You have a psychic?
See, I have someone special I'd like you to meet,
Well, hello, princess,
This here is my daddy, Ron,
Well, Mo, it's a real pleasure to meet you, my friend,
- Your dad! - Yeah,
- It's so nice to meet you too, - Oh! Yeah, why not, right?
- Why not? - It's so soon,
- Well, what'll you do? - Okay, What are you working on?
- I used to be a pork rib guy… - Yeah,
- …until I joined houses with Hameed there, - Oh,
Now I cook one hell of a brisket,
and I couldn't be happier than a hog in Arabia,
Get it? Hog in Arabia,
He's happy, 'cause they don't eat hogs there,
- I get it, I get it, - Come on! Stay with me now,
- I'm trying, - Stay with me,
I'm trying to keep up with you,
Allah gave us Texas barbecue and you, Hameed, huh?
Well, you ain't lying there, because I'm gonna tell you something,
After Rush Limbaugh died, I didn't know what I was gonna do,
Then old Hameed there turned me on to Al Jazeera,
I learned we wasted trillions of dollars on that war on terror bullshit,
Well, I'm awake now,
Not woke, That's that Hollywood bullshit,
Woke, That ain't even good English,
It's too good to be true,
Fifty-fifty, you're FBI,
- I got you, You're under arrest, - Oh, you got me,
Allahu Akbar,
All right, I'm going to steal him from you, Daddy,
- Y'all have fun, Nice meeting you, Mo, - Nice meeting you too,
Oh, it's pretty good,
- Brisket looked delicious, - Yeah,
I mean, Hameed is better than I thought he was,
- Yeah, - So, what'd you think of my daddy?
Actually, I think we'd get along,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
Ooh, your cologne smells like tobacco,
It's a combination of different beard oils,
Oh, is it?
- Yeah, - Hey, baby, how we doing?
- We doing good? Muah, - Yep,
Sorry,
My ex-girlfriend's over there,
Oh, yeah,
Let's go say hi, then,
Hmm?
Sweetheart, what was that thing I told you this morning?
Maria?
Is that you?
What are you doing here?
I'd like you to meet Austin, This is…
His girlfriend,
Oh! Girlfriend?
Yeah,
How long have you known each other?
Well, when two souls meet on a celestial level,
I mean, Earth time is irrelevant,
Oh, honey, that was so… so poetic,
Oh,
- Hi, I'm Guy, I'm Maria's-- - Boyfriend,
As we've spent actual Earth time together getting to know each other,
- Haven't we? - That's right, babe,
- Aw! - Oh, oh, that's so nice,
Can I get that lighter back now?
Yeah, I'd be happy to give it back as soon as you give us our land back,
- Oh, that was funny, - Oh yeah,
My family and I have been laughing at it for 80 years,
Ooh, that looks a little dry, no?
- Uh, actually, it's cooked perfectly, - Very dry,
- You want to try some? - Oh, Okay,
I doubt it, honey, Be careful,
I never thought you'd go for a blonde,
She's blonde?
I didn't even notice!
This is so crazy,
because I'm focused on what's on the inside,
Looks fade,
Yeah, I can see that,
I wasn't talking about you,
No, I'm talking about you,
I'm sorry,
Ooh, is that… Is that citrus I'm tasting?
No, Actually, that's shichimi togarashi, It gives a little hint of umami,
That is just un-American,
Oh, you just steal from everybody,
Good poets write, Great poets steal, Okay, I make it my own,
Listen here, you thieving cook,
No, actually, you're the cook, I'm a chef, taco boy,
- My falafel tacos are world-class, - Really? That's all you talk about,
I know how to mix cultures,
You're not mixing, you're deleting the whole goddamn culture!
That's the point,
- That hat looks weird on you, - It doesn't, Looks fucking authentic,
Did you pick that out for him at Cowboys R Us?
You do not insult his hat,
- Exactly, - Okay, all right,
What'd you say, honey?
- You've been chopped, - Chopped,
- Yeah, - Well played,
- So lovely meeting y'all, - It's time for y'all to go,
What the fuck? Do I need to deal with this?
- I'm sorry, - I'm trying to win the…
- Does he know-- - No, I'm so sorry,
Does he know I know Krav Maga? I'll fucking…
The champion in the brisket category goes to…
Navajo Nathan and his barbecue team,
- Oh! - Bro, that is bullshit, bro,
They never let a white man win anymore,
All right, no long faces,
We may not have won,
but this is the best damn barbecue team I've ever been a part of,
- Here's to family, - Cheers!
- To family, - Family,
- And no more shee foo, - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Sure you don't want to hop a saddle? He's gentle,
No, no, Maybe if I were still a young girl,
But these days, I'm too old,
Oh, if you're old, what the hell am I?
Young, at heart,
Oh, is that what you tell people that's old?
Hey, I've been talking to Fuzzy Boots,
Well, more like singing,
You're a singer?
- No, - I want to hear,
- No! - Please, Please, Please,
- No! - Please,
♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ My Bonnie lies over the sea ♪
♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me ♪
Please, what was again, the last…
- ♪ Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me ♪ - ♪ Bring back my Bonnie to me ♪
Allah! That's really beautiful,
But who's Bonnie?
- Oh, that's just an old name in that song, - Oh,
- Well, you have a very nice voice, Buddy, - Oh,
Thank you, It's okay, Yeah,
My Patty, now, ooh, she…
She had the voice of an angel,
Mustafa sang too,
At least he tried,
It used to annoy me, but now I miss it a lot,
Are you okay, Buddy?
Yusra, I don't know how to tell you this, but, well…
I'm selling the farm,
It wasn't for sale or nothing,
I… I got an offer that I just couldn't pass up,
Uh…
But what about our olive oil?
It'll be up to the new owners, I'm so sorry, Yusra,
I know how much it means to you and the family,
I'm so sorry,
Hey, you,
Are you kidding me?
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
- It's not what you think, - Yes!
- Oh, it's beautiful, - The thing is, is that…
What?
Oh my God!
No way! Alhamdulilah!
Alhamdulilah!
Oh!
Thank you, Jesus, for sending me Mohammed,