You wore my favorite tie,
Oh, that's my only tie,
No, I'm kidding,
I have so many ties,
- Right, - Yeah,
- I think I should go, - What? No,
- I think the night should end, don't you? - The night doesn't have to end now,
Oh, How exactly do you see the night ending, then?
I don't know, Maybe we stay the night,
Slip into some of those fancy robes they have,
- I'm gonna see if they have rooms open, - Okay,
Can I buy you a drink?
Sorry?
I'd like to buy you a drink,
How about a,,, martini? Yeah,
- A vodka martini for the lady, - Mm-hm,
- I'm actually with my boyfriend, - That guy? He's no good for you,
You'd be better off with someone else,
Aren't you a little old for me?
I am indeed, but I'm not buying you a drink to hit on you,
Why else would you buy me a drink?
What's going on?
This guy bought me a drink, Says you're no good for me,
Oh, yeah?
Mind your own business, Grandpa,
Well, that's the thing, Steve,
This is my business,
See, I'm a private investigator,
I was hired by your wife,
Donna,,, to figure out whether you were having an affair,
And since that's not Donna, it seems like you are,
Yeah, Married,
Last week, when he canceled your dinner 'cause he was called into surgery,
he was actually at his kid's dance recital,
And he's not a surgeon,
He manages a Pep Boys,
Hey, hey, hey, look,
I don't know what she's paying you,
but I will double it if you forget what you saw here tonight,
Plus, free oil changes for life,
That's not how this works, chum,
You see, private investigators like myself,
we obey a strict code of honor,
We don't do this for the money,
We do this to pursue the truth,
Because the truth is all that--
Oh, Jeez!
I'm so sorry,
My leg's asleep,
That ever happen to you?
Oh brother! Oh man!
I must have sat on that stool too long,
Just give,,, give me a second here,
It feels so weird, It's like, whose leg is this?
Ah, shoot,
Anyway,
you folks have a great night,
See now why I got you that drink?
Hm,
Nice composition,
You're really coming into your own as a photographer of gross dudes,
- Had a lot of practice, - Yep,
- They're always cheating, - They're always cheating,
Nine cases in the last year, They're all the same,
Client says, "I think he's having an affair,"
I follow the guy for a couple of days,
Then I catch him in a very suave way
where my body functions normally,
- What? - I want a real PI case,
Something I can sink my teeth into,
Something juicy like,,, like Pacific View,
Okay, First of all, you're not a real PI,
You're an unlicensed trainee,
Second, these cases, the ones that you've been assisting on,
this is the job,
Most PI work isn't juicy,
It's dull,
Pacific View was one in a million,
We have a walk-in,
Julie Kovalenko?
- Yes, - Jack Berenger,
President of Wheeler College, This is our provost, Holly Bodgemark,
Provost is basically vice president,
I was gonna google it after they left, What can we do for you?
This morning, my laptop was stolen,
Okay, I don't think you need to hire a private investigator,
What's the laptop worth? A thousand bucks?
This laptop is worth four hundred million dollars,
Juicy,
These are standard NDAs,
Regardless of whether we take the case, everything will stay within these walls,
Good, Because this is a delicate situation,
I've been president of Wheeler College for two years,
Ever since I arrived,
I've been trying to get our richest graduate to make a donation,
His name is Brad Vinick, CEO of Vinick Capital,
I know that name,
Wait, Is he "what else am I supposed to do?"
I will not apologize for being successful,
These complaints about my private jet use are absurd,
Your plane has made two round-trip flights from San Francisco to Aspen
every day for four years,
My dog is in San Francisco,
My dog walker is in Aspen,
What else am I supposed to do?
That unfortunate interview notwithstanding,
Vinick is worth about six billion dollars,
Like all small colleges,
Wheeler is struggling, and it is a really special place,
You don't have to tell me,
My daughter went there,
And my son-in-law,
Love to hear it, Go, Acorns,
I got Vinick to pledge 400 million to keep Wheeler afloat,
We shook hands on the terms last night,
This morning, I got to my office, my laptop was stolen,
and I received this email from somebody called "Wheeler Guardian,"
"Brad Vinick is a lying snake,"
"You take one dollar of his blood money, I spill all your secrets,"
- What secrets are on your laptop? - Hell if I know,
That doesn't matter, It's messy,
And billionaires hate messy,
I don't want him freaking out if he finds out that two years ago
I had a botched calf implant in Miami,
Hypothetically,
We can't go to the police because we can't afford a scandal,
but the actual contract won't be signed for months,
And if the blackmailer succeeds in sabotaging Vinick's donation,
Wheeler College may just disappear,
Well, let us talk it over,
There's no need, We'll take the case,
This is clearly an inside job,
Every single faculty member could be a suspect,
which means you have to find someone from outside the school
to go undercover and investigate,
Your only chance to save Wheeler College is if you have,,,
Okay, let's start with the basics, That's your ID card on top,
That gets you into any door on campus,
Also, inside the folder is the list you requested,
Everyone working on campus the night the laptop was stolen,
Students don't arrive until next week, so for now it's just faculty,
How many of these people knew about the donation?
No way to know,
It hasn't been announced officially, but gossip travels fast around here,
The laptop was stolen off Jack's desk next door,
I can show you his office,
It used to be four small offices, but Jack had it remodeled,
He said he needed a private bathroom more than he needed an HR department,
Please don't touch anything, Jack is very fastidious,
Okay, we should start by reviewing any camera footage that you have
along with geolocation data from the swipe cards,
We should start that way, but we can't
because our cameras broke years ago, and we can't afford to get them fixed,
Aspirin?
Nicotine gum,
I don't even chew it anymore,
It works faster if it goes right to the stomach,
How many people had access to this room?
Anyone with a swipe card, which is everyone,
And to answer your next question, our system is so old,
we can't even track who went in what door,
Friday we are unveiling Vinick's official portrait
as a "distinguished graduate,"
Part of the charm offensive,
Most on that list will be at the party,
Okay, since Charles is undercover, you likely won't see me
unless we meet at my office,
I am off to a meeting for another case,
See you at the party,
Until then, I will be engaging in PLOP,
P-L-O-P,
Prepare, learn, observe, pursue,
PLOP,
Is that a spy term?
It's a famous one,
I'm not sure who invented it, Uh,,,
Some genius, probably,
Okay, off to PLOP,
It's so much worse when you use it as a verb,
Hi, Now a good time?
Yeah, Come in,
Have a seat,
Can I get you anything? Water, calcium supplement, knee brace?
I'm good,
Okay, so my stupid company keeps merging with other stupid companies,
"Bynum Southwest Pacific is forming a strategic partnership
with Northeast Atlantic Retirement,"
"The new company will be called Southwest Northeast Atlantic Pacific,"
- Catchy, - Yeah,
So we're gonna have new employees, and we need to do some background checks,
Do you want the job?
Well, to be honest, I'm a little surprised you want to hire me,
given that you once called me
a remorseless, bottom-feeding, two-faced rat,
- Yeah, I did, - Mm-hm,
But that's water under the bridge,
I gotta admit, you did a great job on the case with Gladys,
And I'd rather have somebody I know in charge of this,
- Okay, yeah, Send me the files, - Great,
Hey, Nancy's stuck in her bathtub again, and she's not alone,
Oh, hey, Froggy, How's it going? You wanna help me with something?
Well, by all means, save Wheeler College, I,,, It's the best,
Do you realize that it's almost the 25-year anniversary of when we met?
Tell me again how it happened exactly?
Well, we were on the freshman orientation camping trip,
Literally, day one,
And I looked at him, and he looked at me,
And I said, "Do you know anything about camping?"
And I said, "Not one thing,"
And then we smiled at each other, and I felt like I got struck by lightning,
And then, like, two weeks later, she introduced me to you guys?
Oh, I remember, You had a very interesting hairdo,
Look, Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows convinced a lot of guys my age
that they could pull off dreads,
I made a lot of bad choices,
And one great one,
- Good save! - Ah-ha-ha,
Julie, it's 7:12 a,m,, day five,
This is the first of my weekly reports,
I once again object to doing these weekly instead of daily,
Too bad, They're boring,
I know you think they're boring,
But in a case like this, every detail is crucial,
My class will meet Monday and Wednesday in Burnham Hall, room 331,
Fun fact, Thornton Burnham, for whom the building was named,,,
Boring,
The campus is small,
It's only about 116 acres,
That's just shy, and I do mean just shy, of 47 hectares,
Oh my God,
Anyway, during my first week of PLOP,
I met a number of possible suspects,
Andrea Yi, Professor of Economics,
Very upbeat,
You must be going to this event on Friday,
Who is Brad Vinick?
He's a multibillionaire grad, supposedly making a huge donation,
Hopefully some of it goes to the econ department
because God knows I could really use a raise,
You know, I haven't bought a new bra in six years,
Ah, that's not your problem, though,
- It's nice to meet you, - You too,
Not a likely suspect,
Max Griffin,
Assistant Professor of Journalism,
Just published a book called The Fourth Estate:
America's First Line of Defense
Against the Second Coming of the Third Reich,
Excited to read it,
Don't be, It's terrifying,
You a motorcycle guy?
How'd you know?
I always forget I'm carrying this thing around with me,
I'm guessing you're not a big Brad Vinick fan,
You going to that party Friday?
I'm not interested in kissing the ass of a billionaire corporate oligarch,
But they do serve these amazing tiny empanadas, so
I might stop by,
Slavoj Tshibili from linguistics,
And Järkko Hövinen, professor of semiotics,
What exactly is semiotics? I've never really known,
- Uh,,, It's a complicated subject, - Yeah, It's hard to define,
Contemporary post-Plumfellian language analysis investigates phonology,
- But I did spot real-- - Yeah, you miss the point, Järkko,
You must start with signifier and signified,
Move through structuralism to post-structuralism,
Framework to put it inside,
- What kind of-- - It is going to come--
I talked to them for about 20 minutes,
No idea what they said, Let's just assume they're not suspects,
But I may know someone who is,
Charles Nieuwendyk, visiting lecturer in engineering,
This is Dr, Benjamin Cole, head of our English department,
Dr, Cole is a Wheeler College lifer and a very dear friend,
And yes, before you ask, he has always been this way,
So what's your specialty within the department?
I teach romantic poetry and the 19th century novel,
Just one novel? Sounds easy,
Droll,
If you'll excuse me, I have to get ready,
I assume you're going to the cocktail party later
for Brad Vinick?
I am, out of professional necessity,
You don't approve of Vinick?
Do I approve of Vinick?
Did Antigonus approve of Etesias?
Boy, I don't know,
No, I apologize, I forgot what you teach,
Well, I'll ask it in a way you can understand,
Did Garfield approve of not having lasagna?
Ah, Come on, now,
Engineering is an advanced science,
Oh, yes,
That bridge is big,
What if we built one that's bigger?
Fascinating stuff,
Dr, Benjamin Cole is my first suspect,
He's prickly, has an axe to grind,
and he kinda hurt my feelings,
More later,
- Nieuwendyk out, - Okay,
Okay, Any headlines?
Couple small things,
One woman left her job quite suddenly, but I think it's innocent,
The other was just a public intoxication charge from college,
Oh, That's a load off my mind,
- Thanks so much, - Mm-hm,
So, how you been?
Working any hot new cases?
Yeah, we've been busy,
Good, Same,
Actually, corporate just told me I have eight weeks of vacation
I have to take by the end of the year,
I have no idea where to go,
Any recommendations?
Hawaii,
Oh, yeah? You love it there?
I've never been, I don't take vacations, but I've heard people like it,
Yes, I've also heard people enjoy
Hawaii,
Okay, Well, thank you so much,
Hey,
Everything good at Pacific View?
Maybe, What do you remember about Didi Santos Cordero?
Beloved leader, caught you red-handed,
Called you a remorseless, bottom-feeding, two-faced rat
in an email I deleted before you read it,
I read it, She hated my guts, right?
Until you and Charles went and apologized or whatever, yeah,
Anything I can help with?
No,
Pretty ugly, isn't he?
Sorry?
Oh, The,,, him?
The him, yes,
I mean, I suppose he's classically handsome,
Square jaw and all that,
But, his soul,
His soul is ugly,
Charles Nieuwendyk, visiting in the engineering department,
Mona Margadoff, professor of music theory,
- How long have you been here? - Oh gosh,
I got my PhD in 1984,
I came here a year later,
Okay,
That is too much,
I'm so sorry, but there's no smoking in the museum,
Really?
Because I'm with the president here, and he doesn't seem to mind,
- Right, Jack? - Yeah, I do not,
Claire, find Mr, Vinick an ashtray, please, Thank you,
Thank you so much, Thank you,
Vinick is unbelievable,
We're paying for a cash bar at our own party,
and he's handing out $100 Cubans,
That's,,, Well, that brand of confidence
is found only in the ultra-wealthy American male,
And the fattest hippo in Central Africa,
Yeah, newsflash, The billionaire's a narcissist,
So are you, Ben,
And yet we still love you,
Well, excuse me, Elizabeth,
I'm not a narcissist,
- I'm an egotist, - Oh,
There's a difference,
He made a ton of money, and now he wants to give some of it to us,
Why does this upset you so much?
The Wheeler Distinguished Graduate Award,
traditionally given to poets, musicians, and activists,
will today be given to a man who's concerned only with his own coffers
and whose sole talent is extraction and not contribution,
He's a plague,
There are more like him every day,
"Hell is empty, and all the devils are here,"
It's The Tempest, Act 1, Scene 2,
Okay, Well, throwing a party for a billionaire is a small price to pay
to keep all our jobs, right?
To keep this place alive?
Yes, well, there is one price I'm willing to pay,
Maxwell, may I buy you another drink?
Yes, please,
I agree with you,
And I've been here ever since, so 1985 to 2025,
That's 40 years,
What?
You asked me how long I'd been at Wheeler,
Yeah, an hour ago,
Right,
Sorry,
So, I compose music,
and sometimes a song will pop into my head,
And if I don't stop whatever I'm doing and go someplace very quiet
and write it down, it'll disappear,
Most people here are used to it,
I forgot you're new,
You look so familiar,
Could we have met before somehow?
Possible, but most people our age recognize me from "Lavender Highway,"
Now it's goodbye, baby
Well, it's goodbye, baby
Well, it's not like me To stay too long
I remember that song,
- Was that you? - That was me,
That was my band, I was 18 years old,
We played at Woodstock,
Wow,
You know, we had weirdly similar lives,
Because when I was 18,
I was on the local news for growing a really large squash,
So I guess we both understand fame,
Do you still perform?
That song? No,
- Not since the band broke up 50 years ago, - Hm,
People ask me to all the time, but I don't like living in the past,
So, I have to make the rounds,
Are you gonna stay for a while?
I am,
Good,
Thank you, Claire,
How are you guys?
Good evening, Professor,
How's it going?
It's good, Making progress,
Talked with Mona Margadoff,
What's the deal there? What's going on with her?
You mean is she like a possible suspect?
She's on the list I gave you,
Huh,
What about her husband?
Is he a suspect?
Oh no,
He died like 15 years ago,
Copy that,
Husband has alibi,
Graveyard,
Okay, Good,
Ready to meet Vinick?
- Oh, yes, Sorry, - Yeah, let's,,,
Hold up, sweetheart,
Boom,
Brad, congratulations again, Um,
This is Charles Nieuwendyk, visiting professor in engineering,
Finally, a useful discipline,
Might even lead to one of these kids getting a job,
All these pointless subjects,
Philosophy, art history, fashion design,
"Hey, look, It's my senior thesis, Pants,"
Oh,
Let me introduce you to my wife and daughter,
Oh yeah! I can see the family resemblance,
Nope, That's the wife,
This is Rebecca, my daughter from my first marriage,
- Pleasure, - This is my newest wife, Kelseigh Rose,
Hi, Isn't that so funny?
The two of us,
She's so much older than me, but she's my daughter,
It's like, "Go to your room, little missy, and do your homework,"
I'll give you a noogie, I'll do it,
I'm just kidding,
Um, I'm gonna go look at my portrait, Charles, entertain the troops,
Are you married, Shuffles?
It's Charles, and my wife passed away a couple years ago,
Oh, I'm sowwy,
That's a bummo,
Tiny empanadas, Oh my God,
I don't want this, Sorry,
So, how did your wife die?
Julie, it's 6:48 p,m,
I'm right in the middle of PLOP-ing,
My next move will be to,,,
Gotta go, More later,
- Hello again, - Hello again,
And again, hello,
I was wondering, because I'm new,
whether or not you could just show me around campus a bit?
I would like that,
But first, I have an errand to run, Keep me company,
Yes,
Solved it,
Solved the case,
What case?
The case of why you would hire me when you hated me so much,
It didn't make sense,
And then it hit me,
You're playing a long game,
You want revenge,
So I went back to those employee files, and I dug a little deeper,
Turns out the guy with the public intoxication charge
has a juvie record,
Sealed,
Marijuana possession,
You hire him, "find out about that," blame me,
Bad Yelp reviews, complaints to the state board,
come after me, take me down,
That is your long game,
I'm right,
Right?
Julie,
That is the most delusional rant I have ever heard,
and I work in elder care,
Two of the residents think I'm Chita Rivera,
Then why did you hire me?
I needed background checks, You're the only PI I know,
That's what you would say if you were trying to take me down,
All right, Okay, Just listen,
This level of mistrust and paranoia is
what we in the medical and psychological community
refer to as cuckoo bananas,
Maybe you should go to therapy and try to figure out what happened
to you to make you like this,
Oh, I know exactly why I'm like this,
Solved that case years ago,
Yeah,
- Hey, Blade, - Hey, Mona, Tuba's right over there,
Oh, This is Charles,
Hey, Charles,
Hi, Blade, I'm scared of Blade,
Don't be, This place is great,
- They get good stuff from Colombia, - Oh,
- Drums and musical instruments, - Oh,
They use them to smuggle cocaine across the border,
- Oh, - I'm kidding,
- Wow, - You think that tuba's full of cocaine?
Honestly, I have no idea,
Not full of cocaine,
Yeah, I'll just take the tuba,
Long story short,
because the department is broke,
I have to go looking for used instruments all over Northern California,
bring them back here, and refurbish them myself,
Well, it seems like a lot of extra work for a tenured professor,
What if a kid has always wanted to learn the tuba and she comes here,
she goes to the music department,
and there are no tubas, and that makes her sad?
Can't have sad kids, can we?
Let's just leave it here, I'll take it inside in the morning,
No one's gonna steal it?
Well, not unless the unrefurbished tuba bandit
escapes from Sing Sing, but I don't think that's gonna happen,
I need to say something to you,
I met my late wife, Victoria, right after grad school,
She passed away a couple of years ago, and
ever since, I--
Charles, how old are you?
Seventy-six,
I'm seventy-four,
We've both been through some shit, right?
We've both lost people we loved,
We've both been through periods of joy and tragedy,
We've both opened for Fleetwood Mac at the Royal Albert Hall,
- Wait, sorry? - Metaphorically,
I mean, mine was literal, but,,,
My point is people our age
have this whole complicated life behind us,
And we have God knows what ahead of us,
Let's just be here now,
Well, that was certainly,,,
Since graduating in 1975,
Brad Vinick has achieved everything there is to achieve
in the world of finance,
To celebrate those accomplishments,
we declare him this year's Distinguished Graduate,
And we'll hang his portrait here in the Mildred Wheeler Historical Gallery,
Oh my God,