HUM OF CHATTER
Agh! She\'s here! She\'s up here now!
OK, everyone, sh, sh! HUMMING NEARBY
ALL: Happy birthday! SHE SCREAMS
Gosh! This is the best birthday ever!
We haven\'t done anything yet,
I thought, as a special treat tonight,
we could watch your favourite film,
Wizard Of Oz! Yeah! Ah, Dorothy,,,
Now, come on, let\'s get on with it, shall we?
OK,
ALL: # Happy birthday to you,,,
ONLY ALISON: # Happy birthday to you,,,
# Happy birthday, dear Kitty,,,
ALL: # Happy birthday,,,
# To you,,,whoa! #
Morning, Morning, It\'s Kitty\'s birthday,
Yeah, I heard, She\'s 200 and,,,
SHE CHUCKLES Come on! What?
Well, Julian said,,, Sorry, he\'s the one with no trousers,
Yeah, I know which one he is,
Well, he just said,,,
No, no, I know there\'s more to you than that,
Are you sure you need a cake? Cos because you can\'t eat it,
OK, Sorry, what was I saying?
Forget it, What? What?
HE SIGHS
I just wish I knew what you and your mates were saying sometimes,
They\'re not my mates, Not my mates,
OK, but you\'d have to fall out of a window and bang your head,
and I can say, from experience, that
No,,, I\'m not saying we\'re not mates, just,,,
Yes, I know that is what I said, but it\'s not what I meant,
No, we are not more than mates, Thomas, either,
OK,,, No, Kitty, obviously,,,
Yes, of course, we\'re mates,,,
That brings our meeting to a close, I have a quick announcement,
We don\'t know whether we\'ll be back in the church hall next week,
so we can check the website on the meetings list for details,
Thanks, everyone, Thank you,
That was certainly more interesting than the knitting group,
Gary\'s story was so sad!
Mary, you\'re supposed to be anonymous,
We\'re not allowed to say "Gary",
Well, it\'s not going to leave this house, is it?
He\'s not a proper alcoholic anyway - he only drinks beer!
Yeah! As long as you\'ve got your seat belt on,
you can have three pints,
Vanessa, on the other hand,,, Well, she\'s clearly drinking
because the husband\'s fornicating with the neighbour,
I mean, what is the point of a bunch of people,
sitting around, telling each other their problems?
I think they\'re very brave,
What\'s brave about talking?
Well, talkings can be very dangerous,
ROBIN: No way!
There no Zumba today!
THOMAS: Nonsense, I gotta work on my core,
How long is this going to go on for, do you think?
I mean, how long does it take to fix a church hall roof?
Hopefully a while, cos we\'re getting paid,
Some of the delinquents coming through these days!
There was a group yesterday of people addicted to,,,
,,the act,
You don\'t have to be there, you know,
Oh, believe me, I don\'t want to be,
You know, someone\'s got to keep an eye on things
or goodness knows where this will end,
Well, there\'s a life drawing class later -
you might want to avoid that one, Oh, I will!
What time? ALISON SIGHS
Did you get her WhatsApp?
No, I messaged Lucy last night and she still hasn\'t replied,
I would have replied straight away, Yeah,
I just want to go out and put it all behind us,
Oh, I wish I could go out with you,
Sister\'s going out together!
I was invited to a ball once with my sister,
but,,,there was an incident,
Mm,,,
I\'ve noticed you often talk about your sister
and it seems like maybe,,,
OTHERS MURMUR AND CLEAR THEIR THROATS
Kitty, uh, there is a balloon upstairs!
Balloon!
Balloon! Not you, Robin,
But I want to see balloon! There is no balloon, Well, then,,,
OK, what was that about?
Could not have escaped your attention that Kitty\'s sister
was not as nice as Kitty would like to remember?
She was a horrible wench,
Real cow, Not a real cow, but,,,
We just think it\'s best not to rock the boat,
Yes, If she realised the truth,
goodness knows how it would affect her,
I mean, do you remember how she reacted
when they cleared out her old teddy bear?
CRIES: No!
Bunty bear!
I mean, she cried for a week!
Was it only a week? Seemed longer,
So just don\'t ever talk about it? Mm-hm,
Let her,,,lock it up? MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
It\'s actually really good to talk about things,
I know it might seem alien to you, but to my generation,
talking about our problems is,,,
It\'s not the talking - it\'s the crying,
Well, I,,, PHONE RINGS
Ooh!
Oh,,, Hello,
CHATTER Yeah, speaking, Um,,,
ALISON, ECHOES: You\'d have to fall out the window and bang your head,,,
Nah,
"Your cats can see ghosts"?
MAN: People will tell you you\'re crazy,
but if you believe in ghosts at all,
is it really so crazy to believe that certain people are able
to communicate with them?
ALISON: Robin, can you keep the noise down?
Not crazy at all, Yes, I know!
Oh,,,
There was no balloon,
Oh, well, you never know,
Maybe later,
Uh, Kitty, you do know that if you ever wanted to share
anything with me, you know you can?
Like a yoghurt?
Um, no, because you can\'t share a yoghurt with me, can you?
Oh, yes, Yeah,
I meant sharing your thoughts,
Like, you were starting to tell me about your sister and a ball,
Yes, I was, Yeah,
You often mention your sister,
Yes, we were very close,
She was terribly pretty and terribly nice,
A bit like you, actually,
Kitty, what an absolutely splendid house of cards!
It\'s taken me hours,
You\'re so talented - and so pretty!
Goodness, Thank you, Ellie!
You are the kindest sister in the world,
Oh!
CARDS FLUTTER
Oh, no!
Oh, a gust of wind must\'ve blown it down,
Oh, how simply awful, dear sister,
Never mind,
It was then we were summoned by our strict old governess,
Girls, Your father wants to see you in his library, Quick, quick!
THEY GASP
Father was very formal,
He liked to be in charge and to be respected,
but he was very kind of heart,
Ah, girls! My dear girls,
Now, since you have both come of age,
I\'ve decided to get my affairs in order,
As you know, your dear mother and I raised you equally as our own
and I have continued to do the same ever since she passed,
And I just wanted you to know that in the event
of my, um,,,death,,, GASPS
,,I have given you equal inheritance,
as I\'m sure you would expect,
BOTH: Yes, Father,
Now, in happier matters, we have been invited to a ball,
THEY GASP
It is to be held by Lord Bummenbach,
whose balls are the most magnificent in the county,
I rather think it\'s time that you
ventured out into society, don\'t you?
Oh, yes! My goodness, yes!
And I\'m delighted to be sharing this moment equally
with my sister, as equals,
If anything, I wish she could have more inheritance than I,
No, you should have more than I! THEY CHUCKLE
Girls, girls,,,
Well,,,
ECHOES: ,,I suppose,,,I mean, I don\'t want to,
but perhaps I should,
Since I am her true daughter,
Kitty? Kitty?
It\'s fine to explore this, you know?
It\'s important to be honest about how,,,
What\'s going on?
Nothing, Uh,,,
Kitty\'s just sharing some memories,,,
THEY INTERRUPT
Well, I hardly think it\'s fair to single out Kitty now, is it?
Well, quite!
Well, do you have something you\'d like to share?
Uh, what?
I once stole a key ring from the gift shop
at the Amberley chalk pits,
Goodness gracious!
Well, we all did stuff like that when we were kids,
I was 36, Alison!
Ah,,, I put it on my keys to see what it would look like
with my other key rings from the Wensleydale Creamery
and Huddersfield Town,
And then I had to take Duncan Leach to the toilet
and, after he\'d done his business, we were 12 minutes behind schedule,
so we had to run to the bus,
And it was only when I put my keys in the ignition that I realised
what I\'d done, but we couldn\'t stop because we had to get home by four
for parents\' pick-up,
Well, I would never have had you down for a thief! Mm!
Would it have mattered to be a few minutes late?
Well, then that would\'ve just thrown the whole day out of whack!
You scheduled your whole day? Oh, yes,
It\'s the best way to make use of your time, You\'re quite right,
6,30 - wake, ablutions,
7,00 - breakfast, read paper,
7,30 - shower with a show tune,
something from Annie or Guys and Dolls,
HE SNIFFS AND GROANS
9,30 - a chapter of Sharpe, cocoa and bed,
Didn\'t you ever do anything spontaneous?
Like, unplanned?
Yeah, That\'s it, Sheriff,
You watch out and don\'t get stuck on that ring road,
OVER CB RADIO: Well, I\'ll try the toll road,
That\'s a big 10-4,
WOMAN, SHOUTING: Pat? Pat, love?
Standby, Sheriff,
What is it, petal?
I was just thinking about that new Italian on the high street,
I thought we could try it tonight,
Friday night\'s fish and chips night, Carol,
Oh,,, How about Wednesday, then?
Shepherd\'s pie night?! Are you mad?
HE CHUCKLES
OK,,, Well, I might go to bingo, then?
OK, love,
This is The Big Bad Butcher Man, come alive,
RADIO STATIC
Hello from the Big Bad Butcher Man,
Oh, my God,
What did I do?
I drove her into Maurice\'s arms!
I mean, literally, I gave her a lift to bingo,
You\'ve had quite a breakthrough there, Pat, Well done,
Kitty, were you,,,? Oh, hello,
We\'re doing this, are we? Fine, I\'ll go first,
HE CLEARS THROAT
My name is Julian Fawcett
and I\'ve been sober now for 27 years,
three months and 11 days,
Uh, no, that\'s not what we,,,
Hold on, Isn\'t that just how long you\'ve been dead?
Uh, it\'s a technicality,
Can\'t take credit for not drinking when you can\'t drink,
I\'ve been sober for over 27 years -
and you can\'t take that away from me!
OK, Well done, Julian, We\'re very proud of you,
Yeah, well, thanks, actually, APPLAUSE
Yeah,
Before you got here, Kitty was actually sharing something,
Oh, yes, About when I was invited to a ball,
Oh, you don\'t have to tell! MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
That\'s all right, I want to,
ALL: Mm,,,
I remember the day before the ball, my father gave a little party,
Everyone was there,
Father Matthews enjoying the wine, as usual,,,
Which isn\'t exactly what she told me in confession!
,,and enjoying the company of my aunts Iris and Biddy,
Yeah, she\'s not all innocent I\'m afraid,
Just this morning, I saw her with a new pig,
Want some? Here, are you trying to get me tipsy?
Oh, I wouldn\'t dare! Oh, you are saucy!
Isn\'t he saucy!
I am saucy,
And two gentlemen who\'d come from town to do business with father,
WOMEN GIGGLE
Will you be attending the ball?
We certainly shall,
I do hope to be on your dance card, Lady Katherine, if I may,
Why, of course you may!
THEY CHUCKLE
I\'m so excited about tomorrow evening, I can hardly contain it!
What are you doing, Kitty? I\'m going to look at my dress!
It\'s very late, I know, but I just want to see it
and dream about wearing it,
SHE GASPS
My goodness, what has happened?
My dress!
You poor thing! Those beastly moths!
At least they\'ve left yours,
That\'s lucky,
Yes,
KITTY SOBS
It was the moths,,,
There, there, Dry your eyes, my child,
WHISPERS: I have just the thing,
I can\'t believe it! It\'s beautiful!
She would have been very happy to see you wear it,
It is even better than mine!
Thank you, moths!
Well,,,
What is it, Eleanor?
ECHOES: Would it not be more appropriate that I should wear it?
She was my mother, after all,
Ha! Well, that was bally good thinking of your father!
Those greedy moths!
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
Kitty, do you think it was a coincidence that your sister,,,?
Yes, well, it\'s funny, isn\'t it,
how things work out sometimes? HE CLEARS THROAT
Was there something you wanted to share?
W,,, W,,,Well,,,
Um,,,
I\'m, uh,,,
I\'m,,,
,,unable to think of anything that would merit sharing,
Perhaps Thomas could,,, Oh,,,
Oh, here we go,
I remember one night in my cot in the nursery,
Her hands clenched around the bars of my prison,
crying,
Crying out for mother,
Imagine being a baby
and knowing your mother isn\'t coming,,,
,,is gone forever,
Oh, Thomas, I had no idea you lost your mother so young,
Oh, no, she came eventually and she fed me
and she cuddled me and sung me a lullaby,
but the damage was done,
The seed was sown,
She was there, but she wasn\'t really there, you see?
And, yes, she gave me allowance, ample allowance,
and she did make introductions for me with publishers in London,
but she never really believed in my work,
She hung it up in frames about the house
as though it were mere decoration,
My mother had face bitten off by wolf in front of me,
So you know how I feel,
Still nothing? No,
I know she read it last night cos there\'s two blue ticks, Mm,
What\'s that? Uh, just a smoothie,
Hm! What\'s in it?
It\'s berries,,,
,,and stuff,
Can I have some?
Nah, Cos, um,,,
HE GULPS LOUDLY
It\'s a,,,
,,it\'s all gone, so,,,
HE BURPS
Oh,,,
Yeah, I can make another one, if you like,
Sure,
Oh,,,
HE RETCHES AND BURPS
Right, what\'s next?
LADY BUTTON: So, let me get this clear,
She was your sister,,, ROBIN: Yeah,
,,and the two of you were,,,?
Right, where were we?
Oh, Fanny want to know everything,
Uh, no, not at all, I couldn\'t care less, actually,
This is your enterprise, Alison,
Thank you,
Um, well, I was just going to ask Kitty,,,
JULIAN: About her dreams,
Erm, no,
That\'s what shrinks do, isn\'t it?
Interpret your dreams like they\'re messages
from your subconscious or something,
Well, some people do think you can learn from dreams, yeah,
Well, if you say so,
I mean, I have this dream where I take my daughter to the zoo,
but when we get to the ticket booth, the ticket person is Samantha Fox,
and she tells me I can "come in" for free, Yeah,
So she leads me in and then, boom, I\'m alone in this pen
and my daughter\'s gone,
Good luck working that one out,
HE SNORTS LAUGHING
Maybe you feel guilty that your affair
separated you from your daughter,
Oh, right,
I have dreams, Strap in, Same one every night,
I\'m working in the fields, like, digging up the carrots,
when, in the distance, I see a man,
His eyes and his mouth are wide open and he\'s pointing at me,
And then I feel something moving in my hand and I look down,,,
It is the carrots,
They have become like newborn babes,
crying and squirming their roots around my fingers,
And I look back up and now, very slowly, the man comes
towards me, but he does not walk,
His feet, stay together, dragging through the soil,
And still he\'s pointing at me,
And I try to breathe in to scream, but I cannot,
and my mouth fills with dirt,
And now the man\'s on fire,
And that\'s when I wake up,
Yeah, sorry, Mary, I don\'t think I can help with that one,
OK, never mind,
Can we play with balloon now?
Kitty, did you want to tell us what happened at the ball?
Oh, yes,
THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER
ALISON SHUSHES THEM
Let her speak,
Well, it was just more and more bad luck,
Look, Katherine, Oysters for breakfast!
It is a special occasion, after all,
And they\'re lovely and warm, They are!
Aren\'t you having one?
Oh, I\'ve already had mine downstairs - I couldn\'t wait!
They were delicious, but I must have had a sensitive tummy
from all the excitement because,,,
,,I was very sick,
SHE RETCHES
Oh, you poor thing,
It\'s all right, In fact,,,
SHE RETCHES LOUDLY
KNOCK AT DOOR
ELEANOR, THROUGH DOOR: Kitty, are you all right in there?
If anything, I actually feel better than before,
Are you sure? Yes, I feel cleansed and refreshed,
Oh, I am pleased!
# We\'re going to a ball
# We\'re going to a,,, #
Oh,,,
Oh,,, Eleanor?
The door won\'t open,
Eleanor?
Let this, my solemn oath, be clear
For all unquiet souls to hear
I know this power cannot be unsaid
I open my eyes to the plain of the dead,
Hi, Hey,
Are they here?
Yeah, OK,
Even after Carruthers let me out, the wait for the ball seemed to take
forever, so to pass the time we decided to play one of our games,
which are always such fun,
Eleanor, let me go first,
I can\'t see a thing!
Well, that\'s the idea, silly!
Round you go!
THEY LAUGH
Over here! Woo-oo!
KITTY LAUGHS
Behind you!
Whoops!
Over here!
VOICES DISTORT AND ECHO
THEY GASP
Mama!
My goodness, Kitty!
Oh,,,!
Papa! Papa!
I couldn\'t believe it!
I was so upset,
The bust was usually on a high shelf,
Perhaps the maid had brought it down to clean it,
No, she knew it was never to be touched,
Or perhaps father had decided to rearrange the room,
But now that I\'m saying it out loud,
now that I\'m really talking about it,,,
,,perhaps,,,
INAUDIBLE
,,she wanted me to break it,
She wanted father to be angry,
She wanted to stop me from going to the ball,
It was a mean thing to do,
So very mean,
Oh, well, at least she was nice the rest of the time,
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
Yeah, Yeah,
Oh,,,!
It\'s you, I can totally see you!
I thought it hadn\'t worked,
Isn\'t it,,,isn\'t it weird that I\'m talking to you?
Yeah, it is a bit,
Ah! Where are the others?
They\'re probably on their way,
We don\'t start for another five minutes,
Oh, are you doing your group thing?
Well, I guess I\'m going to be seeing a lot more of you!
Yeah, you are,
Yeah, I am! Yeah!
Oh!
Well, it\'s been very interesting listening to you all share,
and, yes, perhaps there is something I\'d like to share,
Um,,, DOOR OPENS
No, it\'s the art class! I\'d lost track of the time,
Right, Well, um, perhaps another time,
Food club time!
Oh! Or maybe we should do something completely spontaneous, you know?
Why not?
Why don\'t we go outside and dance around a tree,
just for the hell of it? Huh? Huh?!
But it\'s food club at one, so,,,
Yeah, you\'re right, It is food club, isn\'t it?
Art class, Hm!
Absolutely nothing of interest for me here,
Didn\'t you say you\'d been drinking champagne the day he died,
Of course, Why?
Well, you stay how you died,
so you haven\'t been sober for 27 years -
you\'ve been tipsy for 27 years,
My God, you\'re right,
I suppose, thinking about it, it was the dream death,
Booze, bit of rumpy pumpy and out, Ha!
There are worse ways to go, eh?
ROBIN: Hey, guys, come quick!
Balloon!
How wonderful!
Surprise!
I want like these on my birthday!
Oh, I don\'t think I can afford that many balloons, Robin, Sorry,
NOTIFICATION TONE Oh,,,
Oh,,, Hm? I thought it would be Lucy,
OK, so it looks like they fixed the roof on the hall, so,,,
No more Zumba?
Sorry, Robin,
And, oh, well, no more sordid life stories, or whatever you call them,
SHE GASPS
What is it?
I\'m an addict, Alison,
I\'m addicted to gossip, to other people\'s problems -
the worse, the better - to distract me from my own concerns,
Well, you know all about that, anyway,
What? Well, isn\'t that what you\'ve been doing all day,
digging around in Kitty\'s relationship with her sister
to take your mind off your own one?
NOTIFICATION TONE
Yes! There you are, Good, you\'re alone,
Listen, you know, you asked about that drink? Oh, the smoothie?
Except it wasn\'t a smoothie, It was a real-life potion,
I found a spiritualist online
and they had these mad instructions to follow,
and I can see ghosts,
Can he? I saw the one with no trousers upstairs
and I\'m going to go and find the others,
see them with my own eyes, Ah!
Ah! Mi,,, I\'m going to see a caveman!
That guy needs help,
Mm,
WIND BLOWS
SHRIEKING, BABIES CRY
SHE GASPS AND PANTS
I had Mary\'s dream,
I\'m glad I can\'t see them,
THOMAS: Agh! I had Mary\'s dream!
PAT: Me too!
ROBIN: I had it too!