Hi, I\'m Brian Griffin,
And I\'m Stewart,
Many of you have written to the show
with suggestions for episodes you\'d like to see,
They\'re mostly god-awful,
( laugh track plays )
Well, tonight, we took your advice
and produced three of our favorite suggestions,
"Favorites," Oh, that\'s charitable,
( plays laugh track )
-What is that? -Oh, I got this from Dharma & Greg,
Oh, I\'m surprised there\'s anything left in it,
-Whoa! -Whoa!
Enjoy,
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there\'s a family guy
Lucky there\'s a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He\'s,,, a,,, fam,,, ily,,, guy!
And now back to The Newlywed Game,
Oh, Carol, how did Nick answer the following:
"The last thing I would ever give my wife is \'blank,\'"
A little spending money?
( laugh track plays )
I\'m sorry, that\'s incorrect,
Nick actually said,,,
Nick, what are you talking about?
Oh, Meg, you were right,
Oh, my god! A genie!
I am here to grant you three wishes,
Hey, uh,,, three wishes?!
Oh, this is so exciting!
I want a new hat!
I want them to have new hats,
Kids, these are your father\'s wishes,
Go ahead, honey, get whatever you want,
Oh, that\'s easy,
I wish I could see what Kelly Ripa was like off the set,
So it shall be,
Great show today, Kelly,
Thanks, Reege, You, too,
REGIS: Hey, Kelly, Gellman needs us on stage
for a couple of reshoots,
Be right there, Reege,
I just have to put on my face,
My goodness, did you see
the size of that dressing room?
Yes, they must really want to keep her,
Your second wish?
I got just the thing,
I wish I had my own theme music,
Done,
I don\'t hear anything,
Get up, Try it out,
( harp arpeggio plays )
( dramatic orchestra movements)
( sprightly music playing )
Swee-eet!
( harp plays )
( theme music playing )
( dramatic music playing)
( sprightly music playing )
( Barry White playing )
Yah-yah-yah-yah,
( both giggling )
( music playing )
Hey, buddy, want to turn that stuff down?
Aw, come on, pal, that\'s classic traveling music, eh?
Try to enjoy it,
Riding on a bus, riding on a bus
Sitting next to bums, there\'s an open seat
Hope that isn\'t pee,,,
Yeah, well, I\'m sick of hearing it,
Look, I\'m sorry, buddy, I can\'t turn it off,
Well, then, I\'m gonna to break every bone in your body,
I wish I had no bones,
Done,
That ought to show you,
( laughing )
( yells )
Oh, no,
I got to fart, but I don\'t know which way to lean,
Okay, now I know you guys might be a little concerned
about me not having bones and all
but I got to tell you, it\'s not that bad,
Dad\'s just like Silly Putty,
Look what I can do to Mary Worth\'s
smug sense of self-satisfaction,
( laughing )
That\'s right, son, Take her down a peg,
Well, I guess we could all adjust to this,
Look, I\'m making an angel,
See, Lois, everything\'s going to be fine,
Now smile while I write my name in you,
( yelling )
Let go!
( Peter laughing )
( yells )
( grunts )
( yelling )
But, Mom, I\'ve got to use the bathroom now,
Well, I\'m sorry, but your father
gets incredibly filthy rolling around everywhere,
He just has to take his 12 baths a day,
I don\'t like Dad anymore,
I invited some friends over to jump on him like a trampoline
but his roll of fat sucked up Ryan\'s shoe
and his mom yelled at him when he got home
and he beat me up at school the next day,
It\'s all here in this pamphlet,
Kids, we just have to learn to accept this,
Like one of those stories on Dateline
where a family member suffers a horrible accident
and becomes a burden on everybody,
Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they\'re dead inside,
They\'re dead,
And that\'ll be our lives, hmm?
What a big boneless jerk I am,
I might have screwed up my life
but there\'s no reason I got to keep screwing up theirs,
Good-bye, cruel, bone-filled world,
( yelling )
Oh, so this is where all the waste and sewage winds up,
Cut, and print,
That\'s a wrap, Great job, Peter,
Are you coming to the wrap party tonight?
Aw, gee, I don\'t know,
I got a stand-up comedy class
I\'m taking at The Learning Annex,
Well, actually, I won\'t be a stand-up comic
I\'ll be more like an amorphous blob comic,
I gotta write that one down!
Nonsense! I\'ll have the studio send a flatbed for you,
See you at 8:00,
( sighs )
Peter, there\'s something I\'ve been wanting to say to you all evening,
What\'s that, Mrs, Catherine Zeta-Jones Douglas?
I want to jump your non-bones,
Geez, I can\'t believe I\'m your type,
Well, as you can tell from my husband
I\'ve got a thing for saggy, shapeless men,
I\'m married to Catherine Zeta- Jones, Will you sleep with me?
Oh, yeah, I\'m going to have to pass,
But Louie Anderson\'s eating the decorative soaps in the bathroom,
Why don\'t you try him?
Excuse me, aren\'t you Peter
the human stunt bag?
Well, that all depends on who\'s asking,
I\'m a doctor about to conduct an experimental procedure
to give bones to a jellyfish
but I\'d like to try it on a human first,
-Interested? -Well, I don\'t know,
Interested?
Didn\'t you just say that?
-Yes, -I\'ll do it!
DOCTOR: Well, Peter
the operation was a complete success,
What are you going to do now?
Well, the whole reason I had the operation
was so I could go back to my family,
But it\'s been so long,
What if they don\'t love me anymore?
Peter, where do you think all those bones came from?
ALL: Surprise!
You mean,,,
it\'s your bones that are inside me?
Well, mostly,
We picked up a drifter to fill in the torso,
Well, like I always say: "A family of freaks
is better than no family at all,"
Let\'s go home,
You know what\'s really weird?
This was covered by my HMO,
Hey, Terry, you dare me to pop a wheelie in this thing?
Well, that doesn\'t sound safe at all
but okay, I dare you,
BOTH: Whoo!
Wow, that was great,
Six,
Six bats,
Seven, Seven bats,
Ha, ha, ha, ha,
Hey, is the Count a vampire?
What\'s that?
Well, he-he\'s got those big fangs,
Have-have they ever shown him doing somebody in
and then feeding on them?
You-you\'re asking if they\'ve ever done a Sesame Street
in which the Count kills somebody
and then sucks their blood for sustenance?
-Yeah, -No, they\'ve never done that,
Everybody come quick!
There\'s something out in the yard!
It looks like the back of a tanker truck,
Wow,
What do you think is inside?
-Maybe it\'s candy! -Chris, no!
Lo-Lo-Lois, Lois,
Let him dream,
( grunting )
( yelling )
Aah! What is this stuff?
Some kind of nuclear waste,
Tell me, does anyone else feel a trifle queasy?
( screaming )
What? Do I have a boogie?
( gasps )
I say! It appears my cranium has doubled in size,
How delightful!
This toxic stew seems to have given me
telekinetic abilities,
( scream )
Hey, I can make fire!
Hey, Chris, Chris, come here a second,
This is going to be hilarious,
Okay, on the count of three,
One,,, two,,, three,
( laughing )
Do it again,
( laughing )
All right, everyone,
Clearly, something very strange has happened here,
We each seem to have acquired
superpowers from that nuclear waste,
We\'ve been given a gift,
And whether that gift is Chris\'s fire-conjuring,,,
Stewie\'s telekinesis,,,
Brian\'s super speed,
Ask me how the Queen of England is,
How\'s the Queen of,,,?
She\'s great,
,,,Peter\'s morphing ability,,,
Hey, Lois, I\'m a wishing troll,
( laughing )
,,,my super strength,,,
or Meg\'s, um,,,
super amazing ability to grow her fingernails,,,
( sighs )
,,,we have a responsibility
to use these powers properly
and not to abuse them for personal gain,
Understand?
ALL: Yes,
-Mm-hmm, -Got it,
Oh, no, I forgot the detergent,
E-Excuse me, would you watch him for a moment?
Sure thing, ma\'am,
Whoa, there
little guy, you got to pay for that,
Go suck a railroad spike, I haven\'t got any money,
Well, then, I\'m afraid
I\'m going to have to take it away from you,
( screams of pain )
Oh, God! Please, help me!
Move it, you slowpoke!
The light\'s green!
( horn honking )
What does that cloud look like to you, honey?
To me it looks like,,, rain,
( laughs ): I used that joke at work today,
I\'m the funniest guy at the office,
They say I should do stand-up,
Aah! This is insane!
( grunts )
( gasps )
Oh, my God, Dad, \'N Sync is in town,
If you can get me a lock of Justin\'s hair
I\'ll never ask you for shopping money again,
Please!
Eh, we promised Lois we\'d use our powers responsibly,
But I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn\'t hurt,
Hey, do you want to split a Toblerone?
Oh, gosh,
Yeah, I think I do,
Whoo-whoo!
Next stop, my thighs,
All right, Meg, wait here,
I\'ll be right back,
( Peter\'s voice ): Hi, there, Britney Spears,
You mind if I go in?
Oh, uh, not at all, Miss Spears,
Oh, call me Peter,
Hey, there, fellas,
Britney? What are you doing here?
Oh, you know, I was just in the neighborhood
and, uh-- I\'m going to steal one of your beers--
and, uh, figured I\'d stop by and say hi,
You mind if I have a seat?
( moans happily )
I am out of shape,
Say, uh, Justin, I got a favor to ask you,
What is it?
I got a hole in my car\'s muffler
and I need something to plug it with,
Can I have some of your hair?
Um, I guess so,
Oh, great, Thanks,
All right, hold still now,
( screams )
Ah, you\'ll be fine,
Hey, come here, give me a kiss,
( laughs ): I\'m Gene Shalit now,
Bye,
Here\'s your martini, ma\'am,
Thanks,
Hey, it\'s gone!
Oh, I\'m sorry, ma\'am,
Here\'s another one,
What the hell is going on here?
Hi, can I get some pretzels, or something?
I-I,,, \'cause, I-I gotta- I gotta drive,
Whoa, hey, did you bring enough breasts
for the rest of the class?
( laughing )
Hey, Hector
how long have we known each other?
Since first grade,
Yeah, yeah,
You remember that time
you called me Chris Gristle?
I think so,
Well, burn for it!
It\'s a bird, it\'s a plane
it\'s a lower middle-class Irish family,
That\'s right, Tom,
This is just one of many public disturbances
caused by the Griffin family of Quahog
who seem to have acquired superpowers,
Very strange story, Diane,
Coming up next, can bees think?
A new study confirms that no, they cannot,
Citizens of Quahog
we have a problem,
You\'re damn right we do,
Peter Griffin stole my hair,
Settle down, Jeffrey,
Justin,
Mike,
Clearly, the Griffin family is out of control,
But not to fear,
I\'ve tangled with superbeings before
and they can be stopped!
You can\'t stop us, Mayor West!
We are all-powerful!
Clearly, you\'ve let yourselves become drunk with power,
Silence!
We demand obedience!
Or else!
Is that all you can do?
Ow! That kind of hurt,
Oh, is that bleeding?
No, no, I guess it\'s all right,
Ouch, though,
Anyone who opposes our demands will be destroyed,
Our first demand:
You will erect a statue in the town square,
This statue will depict
Blair Warner admitting to Mrs, Garrett that the poem
she submitted for her creative writing class
was actually plagiarized from a work by Emily Dickinson,
We have spoken!
( groans )
That\'s it!
We have to fight fire with fire,
If nuclear refuse gave them superpowers
it can do the same for me,
Citizens, I\'m off to the toxic waste dump,
( thunderous applause )
Mayor West, you have lymphoma,
Oh, my,
Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste,
I see,
What in God\'s name were you trying to prove?
I was trying to gain superpowers,
Well, that\'s just silly,
Silly, yes,
Idiotic, yes,
No, no, that\'s not what
Mrs, Garrett\'s bosom looked like,
It looked more like this,,,
Notice the sun spots at the top of the right can,
Excuse
I have a message from the Quahog Hospital,
Well, I just feel awful about this, Mayor West,
Yeah, me, too,
Stewie, fluff his pillows,
I\'ll heat up his soup,
I\'ll go to China to see if there\'s a cure, Nope,
Now, now, the doctor says
I\'m going to make a full recovery,
The important thing is you learned your lesson,
I can\'t believe we let those superpowers
go to our heads,
I feel like such a bastard,
Me, too,
Well, for now, we are going to use our powers
to help you get better,
Thank you,
But as long as I have
Mrs, Garrett\'s giant rack by my bedside
I\'ll be all right,
Girls! Girls! Girls!
( laughing )
Hear ye, hear ye!
I call to order the first meeting
of the "We Hate Broads Club,"
ALL: Yeah!
\'Cause all you need in life
is your best pals,
Sure, as long as those pals ain\'t dames,
O-tay!
( creaking ) What was that?
Hey! I thought we told you guys
to quit snooping around here,
But we need to find a story
if I\'m ever going to be a big-time reporter man,
All right, all right,
Make like Siamese twins and split,
And-And then one of you die,
When do we have the grape juice?
I came for the grape juice,
Hey, Quagmire, watch this,
Hey, kick me!
( yells )
Boys and girls, we have a new student
joining us this morning,
Her name is Lois Pewterschmidt,
Ugh, just what we need-- another girl,
You said it!
Wow! I\'d like to play doctor with her
and-and remove her inflamed appendix
before it bursts, causing sepsis,
Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy!
Lois, what you reading?
The Red Badge of Courage,
( sighs )
I sure wish I could meet a brave fella
like the guy in this book,
You know, uh, I\'m a brave guy, Lois,
Oh, yeah?!
I bet you\'re not brave enough to laugh at death,
Watch me!
( laughing)
Oh, thanks,
Like I don\'t have enough trouble fitting in,
I bet you\'re not brave enough to take all your clothes off,
Way ahead of you, Ow!
Well, I bet you\'re too chicken
to spend the night at the old Selberg place,
PETER: Uh, Cleveland
you mind stepping out of the way?
Oh, sorry,
Well, I ain\'t chicken to spend the night there!
Well, I ain\'t neither
and to prove it, I\'m going up there tonight!
See you there, pal!
You can\'t stay in that house,
Old Man Selberg\'s ghost still haunts it,
Not to mention the myriad of bacteria and allergens
from years of substandard housekeeping,
It does not augur well for you,
Ah, zip it, egghead--
you with your big words and your,,,
and your-your small, difficult words,
Wow, Any boy who would spend the night in that creepy place
sure would be the bravest fella I ever met,
That Lois is some kind of woman,
Yeah, Just thinking about her makes my testicles want to drop,
Oop, speak of the devil,
Oop, make that devils,
All right, Quagmire\'s team will take the left side of the house
and Peter\'s team will take the right,
And whoever\'s alive in the morning
can bury his dead pals,
Do I have a cobweb in my hair?
It feels like I have a cobweb in my hair,
( animal howl )
What was that?
Ah, It\'s just Michael Winslow from Police Academy,
( fierce animal noises )
( helicopter whirring )
( imitating elephant, sheep, submarine )
( all scream )
This house gives me the creeps,
Yeah, let\'s get out of here,
Wait, wait, wait,
We can\'t let those guys win,
What we ought to do
is pretend we\'re ghosts, see,,,
And then we\'ll scare the other guys out of the house,,,
-,,,then we can say we spent,,, -The,,,
,,,night, and everyone\'ll think that we\'re,,,
-,,,The,,, -,,,bravest kids in the world,
Especially Lois,
( laughing)
All right!
( laughing)
( short laugh )
Hey, I got a great idea!
This will really scare \'em, Everybody set?
Check,
( giggling ): Sock it to me!
-Oh, Oh! Oh, whoa! -Whoa!
ADAM WEST: If we only had a teacup
this would be like playing find-the-teacup-in-the-bedsheet
like I do with my Aunt Sophia,
( all scream )
My God! Not only are ghosts real
but their innards are made of children!
Peter, it\'s us,
( ghostly howl )
Say, that\'s a nice effect,
Yeah, That\'s really scary,
Wait a second,
If you\'re there, and I\'m here
and Istanbul is somewhere in this general area
then who the hell is that?
( all screaming )
Ha! Get used to this sight, Diane:
guys running away from you,
Tom, you\'re so deep in the closet
you\'re finding Christmas presents,
All right, now remember our story,
We tell Lois that we both stayed all night
and I caught the ghost with my lasso,
Yeah, yeah
and I punched him so hard
he ran crying all the way back to Hell!
She\'ll have to believe that,
It hangs together so perfectly,
DIANE: Our top story today:
Cowardly Kids Lay Down Rubber
at the Old Selberg Place,
Wait, wait, turn that up,
Peter Griffin and Glen Quagmire
were seen bolting,,,
( louder ): were seen bolting
out of the supposedly haunted house
after just one half-hour, leaving only their pride
and twin trails of urine behind them,
Ah, cheese and crackers!
Now Lois will know everything!
Not if I can help it,
( imitating phone ringing )
Newsroom,
Hello, this is Peter Griffin,
You better stop saying that stuff
or we\'re going to watch something else,
Today on The View,,,
( with lisp ): "Cooties: the silent killer,"
Uh, Lois?
There\'s something we got to tell you,
Yeah,
We didn\'t stay in the haunted house,
We\'re not brave,
Oh, I decided I don\'t care about bravery,
-You don\'t?! -You don\'t?!
No, I realized what I really like is smarts,
Sorry I\'m late, darling,
I was checking my stool for blood,
-Mort Goldman?! -Mort Goldman?!
He\'s so clever,
Show \'em, Morty,
( ghostly howling )
( both scream )
( screaming continues )
He got us again,
Yeah, this whole thing just shows
that women are nothing but trouble,
You said it!
Let\'s you and me swear off \'em for good!
And how!
I say, Quagmire, it seems to me
we\'ve each made another $500 million,
Good thing we swore off women
so we wouldn\'t be distracted
and unable to accumulate this vast amount of wealth,
Yes, Hey, you watch the ticker,
I\'m going to go microwave a bagel
and have sex with it,
Butter\'s in the fridge,