♪ I got the bowling ball blues ♪
♪ When I first started bowling
just a spare was great ♪
♪ And the score looked good at 108 ♪
♪ And they said if I practiced I could raise my game ♪
♪ So I practiced and I practiced
but I still bowled the same ♪
♪ I got the bowling ball blues ♪
♪ My wife, she can beat me and my daughters too ♪
♪ I think I'll hang up my bowling ball ♪
♪ My bag and my shoes ♪
♪ I got the bowling ball blues ♪
Harley, how you want your wiener?
- Vigorously blown, - What?
I said burn it,
like you do every other goddamned thing,
You know, I ain't gotta take your shit, God damn it,
You know I could of married Jerry Sprinklebum,
- He's a doctor, you know, - Shit,
Jerry Sprinklebum ain't no goddamned doctor,
Jerry Sprinklebum's a goddamned music teacher
who calls himself doctor
which probably means he's a goddamned fruity pants,
Jerry Sprinklebum ain't no goddamned fruity pants,
He's married to Scarlett Jean Hammond,
Let me ask you something,
Scarlett Jean Hammond got any kids?
No!
Scarlett Jean ever tell you how Jerry's got all them
body building magazines laying around?
He ain't never seen the inside of a gym
unless it's spelled J-I-M,
You know you're a goddamned dipshit right?
Eh,
- Hey, Pa, what's this? - Hey, where'd you get that?
It was in a box between your oddly shaped titty magazines
and your hot soapy ass fucking periodicals,
Well now, hands off it, don't bend the pages,
Shit,
This here's what you might call a collector's item,
Looky here, issue number 1,
The Manson brothers midnight zombie massacre,
- Who's the Manson brothers? - Who's the Manson brothers?
They was the baddest ass motherfucking tag team
in professional wrestling,
That's who they were,
You see they'd just begun to smash their way
on to the wrestling scene, right?
And they had just had
their very first big match and,,,
Good lord, folks!
This is quite frankly a massacre,
A massacre,
In my 20 years in professional wrestling,
I've never witnessed such brutality,
The tag team champions have just been torn to pieces
by the merciless onslaught of the Manson brothers
out of Chicago, Illinois,
As you can see behind me,
paramedics are tending to the former tag team champs,
Your tag team champions are nothing but a couple
of low down floor-fudging sacks of lizard shit!
Now listen up, little man, and listen good!
There's nobody, nobody that's getting in the ring
with the Manson brothers and going bell to bell!
We don't beat people up!
- We beat them off! - Down, we beat them down,
- Whatever, - My God!
Stone Manson, a word,
What do you have to say for yourself, young man?
Here's what I got to say for myself, Bob!
Outside of the stench and all the ugly broads,
it's okay to be in Santa Fe, New Mexico!
Hey, Bob, I got a question for you,
- Do you go to church on Sundays? - Well, of course,,,
I don't care if you go to church on Sundays!
Because the unholy reign of terror
that we are about to unleash on New Mexico
is going to be biblical in proportions!
Nothing and I mean nothing but an act of God
can stop the Manson brothers!
Ladies and gentleman!
Welcome to the apocalypse!
I thought you said this fucking thing has zombies in it,
Have some patience, God damn it!
This is what you call an origin, right?
- And set up, - Harley, stop feeding him full
of that horse shit and teach him about some real art,
Shirlene, the only art you know is that kid
with a big old wart on his pecker
you gave a hand job to in that unisex shit house
in the third grade,
That wasn't a wart,
That was an extra dick,
I felt sorry for that boy, it was damn near charity,
Listen to me, boy,
This may save your life one day,
Don't you ever, ever,
ever marry no woman who's stupid enough to believe
that a big old pulsating wart is an extra dick,
You promise me now, boy,
Yes, sir, I promise,
Make me proud, son,
But Pa, what happened to the Manson brothers?
Well now, they began a 20 year rise
to the top of the wrestling scene,
capturing the WWO tag team title record five times,
And this happens with these guys,
Well, they got into some trouble,,,
of the po-po kind,
Got themselves excommunicated from the big leagues
and go back on the road and cut a hard living
on the indie circuit,
And that brought them right back here
to present day in the beginning of our story,
Santa Fe, New Mexico,
some many, many years later,
Hey, hey, hey!
We're gonna make so much money tonight,
There he is the world's number one promoter
of bullshit,
The t-shirts alone!
It's a license to print money,
We are gonna kill it,
- Well, I am anyway, - How do you want it to go?
How do I want it to go?
How do you want it to go?
I'm marketing, you're content,
You know what, I want action, revenge, lust,
Big, it's a big night,
Okay, give me big,
Twenty good minutes, take it home,
You're looking good, Ricky,
I smell money!
Boy, some shit never changes, don't it?
Yeah, they're letting this place go to the shit hole,
- What a toilet, - Yeah, money!
You guys haven't been around in a while,
Vic's doing the best he can,
but the business just isn't what it was 25-30 years ago,
Hey, who's going over?
We ain't got that far yet,
How about I go over on Skull with the scorpion death lock?
Err, not happening, kid,
I ain't a kid, gramps,
so you can take your AARP card and shove it up your ass,
Hey, Jackie, how about a fuck finish?
Yeah, fuck finish is good with us,
- Hang on,,, - Rick, it's a fuck finish,
Okay?
- How do you want to do it? - We'll build the heat on Rick,
- Set you up with a false tag,,, - Wait, wait, wait,
Why do I have to take the heat?
- Hey, Rains, who trained you? - Carson Murdock,
- Aces, - Carson the Crippler Murdock?
The living legend himself?
Yeah, just ask him,
You know he tells everybody he's the last
- of the old school hookers, - 'Cause he is,
No, Thump's a hooker, Skull's a hooker,
Carson, not a hooker,
Hey, he beat your brother, the so-called hooker,
in that legit shoot in '92 so,,,
That's a bunch of crap and you know it,
It happened, can't change the record books, Stone,
Well, much like the living legend himself,
that's the biggest myth in professional wrestling, son,
Carson the Crippler Murdock, the only guy
to ever beat Skull Manson in a legit shoot,
Carson thinks if he tells himself enough times,
it will actually become real, just like Pinocchio,
- Pinocchio is real? - No, it's a fairytale
like Jack and the Beanstalk, leprechauns,
and Carson's career,
You wouldn't be laughing if Carson was here,
You're right, I'd be laughing twice as hard,
Carson could tap out you and you're rocket scientist brother,
- Hey, hey, hey! - Bring it, Pops,
What are you doing?
He called you a rocket scientist,
Well, jokes on him, I don't know nothing about rockets,
- Jesus, - Guys, come on,
I'll take the heat, all right?
- I'll take it, - See, kid, that's a pro,
Hey, Skull, what's four plus four?
- I don't know, seven probably, - Keep pushing it,
Can we just work the match?
Stone, lay it out for us,
We'll build the heat on you,
When I tell you we'll go corner to corner
for the big clothesline, you reverse it,
Skull will nail me with it,
You tag in Rick, he'll come in and clean house,
We'll bail, ref will call for the bell,
Double DQ, everybody goes home strong, cool?
- Sounds like a plan, - All right, let's do it,
- Why do we gotta get DQ'd, Jack? - That's your boy,
We're supposed to be the champs,
This is bullshit!
Hey, Rick,
You want to be a professional wrestler, right?
Then be professional,
This is entertainment,
You are an entertainer,
So get ready to entertain,
Oh my God,
I swear that kid has an all-day hard-on for you guys,
Yeah, what else is new?
- Hey, Skull, - Yeah?
Did Carson actually beat you in '92?
Fair and square,
Yeah, well, he did but he didn't,
How's that?
They wanted to give Carson a push
so they set up a match with Skull
who's trained by Thump who everyone knows
is like the baddest motherfucker on the planet, right?
Nice guy that he is,
Skull makes Carson look like a million bucks,
- 'Cause that's what we do, - 'Cause that's what we do,
Problem is Mr, Congeniality over here
completely forgets that there's a time limit
and before he can reverse Carson,
the bell rings, there's no submission
and Carson's in the superior position,
So guess what, based on the rules,
shitty pants over here loses on points,
Shitty pants?
You shit your pants one time with this guy,
you never live it down,
Well, thank you for clearing that up for me,
- Sure thing, - See you out there,
Skull, why don't you take that jabroni Rains
and stretch the living hell out of him?
Ain't it funny?
All the guys Carson trains are just like he is,
You mean arrogant shit hooks who believe their own bullshit?
Yeah, well the business is full of rotten jabronies
like that now,
It ain't the business I came up in,
You ever think about retiring, Thump?
I'm too old to retire, son,
Wrestling's all I know,
I'll either be carried out of that ring in a box
or probably go tits up in some shit bag motel,
Just another forgotten bust out,
Who's gonna forget Thump Hanson?
You're the last of the old school hookers,
Not to mention you trained the Manson Brothers,
You're an icon, Thump,
You got the most prophylactic career
in professional wrestling,
We always telling you, you gotta have
a more prostitute attitude,
Don't be so negative all the time,
Well, that's why I love you boys,
Now if you'll excuse me, I'mma go home
and bang the old lady,
You mean that gorgeous woman still let's you
put your greasy old mitts on her?
Have fun, enjoy it while you can,
Love that guy,
Yo, Manson Brothers!
Five-minute warning,
- Have a good night, boys, - Thanks, brother,
Hey yo, when's Vic gonna put you in a match, bro?
He says when I get a cool gimmick and bulk up,
I got something for that though,
- Don't quit your day job, - This is my day job,
Hey yo, don't be a dick, the kid's trying,
You got a ring name picked out yet?
Vic keeps calling me the Great Chorizo,
'Cause you got a real big sausage?
No, my mom packs it in my lunch,
That kids gonna get brutalized in the locker room,
The Great Chorizo?
- Hey! - Babe, are you guys up soon?
- I gotta pee, - How bad?
I had three beers at the RV
and then three when we got here,
Skull, honey, you forgot your aspirin
and your chewable vitamins,
Too good to me, Luce,
What would I do without you?
Probably starve to death 'cause you don't know
how to use a can opener,
Nobody asked you, peanut gallery,
Thank you, love,
You're the star in my sky, you know that?
I'm gonna puke in my mouth if you keep going like that,
'Cause you got no fucking romance,
Hey, I think it's cute they've been together so long
and they're still sweet on each other,
- You could take a lesson, - Well, baby,
if we make it even half that long I will drop to my knees,,,
- And? - Nothing, I'll just drop
to my knees, I'll be like 75 years old,
- Oh my God, you're such a jerk, - You still love me though,
Can you hold it?
- We're up next, - You know I will,
I'm not missing your entrance,
You know how much it turns me on,
Indeed I do,
- I will see you after, - Yes you will,
Please be careful,
Oh you worry too much, kid, we can do this in our sleep,
Go sit down, have a good time, okay?
- Bye, - Don't talk to nobody neither,
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
Hope you didn't forget your Depends,
Ever notice how most of the baby faces
are like, the biggest pricks in the world
on the heels are the nicest guys you ever want to meet?
Iconic ain't it?
It's also ironic,
Fuck you!
They are the former five-time WWO tag team champions!
Stone and Skull!
The Manson brothers!
Okay, fuckwads,
Obey my bullshit instructions at all times
or I'll yank down my pants
and wiggle my prick in your face,
and I ain't had a bath in a week,
Understand, monkey fuckers?
Am I making myself clear, ass pirates?
What are we doing?
Twenty minutes, seesaw, seesaw,
a bunch of false tags, double DQ,
- You know the routine, - Great!
Then we can blow this shithole and go get soaked,
Moon, I think you may have started without us,
I've been marinating since about noon-thirty,
Let's work this bitch!
Jesus, he's pixilated,
Hope he remembers his spots,
I just hope he doesn't fall out of the ring,
All right, go do your dipsy doodles,
Yeah!
Let me hear it!
Come on, come on,
Timber!
Come on, old man,
Come on,
Play it tight, keep it snug!
Keep it snug!
Yeah!
He's coming in!
Come on,
Come on, come on, let's go,
There's no tag!
Manson brothers!
Come on, I'll take his freaking head off!
Keep it snug!
Leg flap, leg flap, leg flap!
Hey, Rains, what gives?
A little change in the program,
Hey, loosen up, you stiff prick,
I'll loosen up when you tap out, asshole,
Okay, fish, have it your way,
That's it, that's it!
That one's gonna hurt in the morning,
What the fuck was that?
I don't know,
That jabroni tried to stretch me,
- So you break his fucking leg? - I wasn't trying to,
He's got like rickets or peanut brittle bones or some shit,
I don't know, what do you want from me?
Referee Moon McMullins has stopped the match
and disqualified both teams,
This match is a double disqualification,
Re-match, re-match, re-match!
- Re-match, re-match, re-match! - Aaah!
Holy shit!
You enjoying yourself?
Shit, yeah I am,
Do you realize what you just did?
Vic, I lost my temper,
- I apologize lugubriously, - I don't know what that means,
Listen, I can promote the fuck out of a re-match,
Oh!
Do you freaking hear that?
Re-match, baby!
Jack, sorry about your partner,
No, fuck that jabroni man,
- Listen to that crowd, - Re-match, baby,
How we gonna have a re-match
when his partner's all regurgitating?
No, I got that all figured out,
We do a big mystery partner,
- It's gold, - Marks love that gimmick,
Aren't we putting the horse before the ox?
The cart,
The ox, the horse, whatever the fuck,
Wait, wait, wait, listen to this,
Next Saturday, Halloween night at midnight,
right here in Santa Fe, New Mexico
there will be a re-match!
And not just a re-match,
A steel cage re-match,
15-foot tall steel cage,
Did you say cage match?
A Jack cage match, huh, huh?
- Love me, love me? - Love you!
I love you so much,
This Halloween at midnight,
the merciless Manson Brothers against Jack the Rage Cage
and a mystery partner,
Cage match at midnight?
Come on, you can stay up one time past midnight, Cinderella,
You're not gonna turn into a pumpkin,
Come on, Skull, I really need this one,
- I'll double your payout, - Done,
- Hang on, - Come on, what do you say?
- Come on, Skull, - It'll be just like old days,
Yeah, Jackie, it'll be aces,
- Yeah! - Paycheck!
- Jack, come here, - Come here, you,
Don't you think we need to be, you know,
- copathetic like on decisions? - Copacetic,
Copathetic, copacetic, copa who gives a shit,
I don't want to do it,
I'm in bed every night at 10 o'clock,
I give Lucy a backrub and we watch our soaps and that's it,
I got an idea,
Why don't you just do a singles match with Jack?
- How about that? - No, no, no,
I'm no good wrestling without you ever,
Ah, that's a load of crap and you know it,
Now you're just being stupidicious,
No I'm not, we work as a team, period,
Listen, you, if you think Vic,
God bless his little black heart,
is gonna pony up $1,500 a piece for us
you're crazier than a shit house rat,
He hasn't always been financially a cannibal,
You're giving me a brain tumor, Carlos,
It's financially accountable, doofus,
A cannibal?
Evil Dutch Decker is on the card and he gets a big payout,
No way Evil Dutch get's more than us,
I bet you he gets a grand tops,
Brutal,
The Manson Brothers,
- What's up guys? - Oh, Dutch,
- Hey, hey, - Can I bum one?
Of course,
- Thanks, brother, - You're welcome,
Dutch, is it me or have you gotten a lot bigger
since we saw you in Amarillo last month?
I'm trying to get back to 250 again,
You know, Jack Cage got a hold of this new GH for me
off the Chinese black market,
Dude, it's freaking amazing,
It's gonna turn me into a freaking monster,
He's supposed to be meeting his guy tonight
- to get me more of it, - You better be careful, man,
The Chinese aren't exactly known for their strict quality control
and sterile work environments,
Who knows what they put in that shit,
It might kill you,
Yeah, but at least I'll die big,
Want some?
My body's a church,
- Temple, - Whatever, Poindexter,
Hey, what was that shit show with Rains?
Rains tried to get him to say uncle,
- Skull broke his foot, - Nice,
Yeah, it was kind of like that but not exactly,
He's parafilating as little bit,
Well, he did try to get you to say uncle,
You know where that comes from, say uncle?
- No, - You're serious?
- You never heard that? - No,
No, all right, check this out, right?
So this old wrestler had this parrot, right,
and he bets his buddy 100 bucks that the parrot can talk,
So he tells the parrot, "Hey, Tippy, say uncle,"
but the parrot just stares at him,
So again he looks at the parrot and this time he goes,
"Hey Tippy, say uncle,"
but the parrot just sits there,
Silent like a statue,
Now the old guy's getting pissed, right,
so he grabs the parrot around his tiny little neck
in a choke hold and he starts screaming,
"Say uncle!
Say uncle!"
He's getting freaking crazy,
- Insane, - And?
- And what? - Did the bird say it?
No, he freaking killed it,
but that's where it comes from,
Dutch, I got a question for you,
What's your payout next week?
Oh, come on guys,
You know we're not supposed to talk about that crap,
Dutch, we ain't gonna tell nobody,
All right, all right,
My guarantee is 999 bucks, okay?
Am I fucking Nostradamus or what?
That's that deformed half-back from Notre Dame,
I love that guy,
That's Quasimodo, professor, and he never played football,
Skull, Stone's right though,
The guys you're talking about, he played for Michigan State,
All right, Mansons,
See you on Halloween,
- Bye, Dutch, - Bye, Dutch,
- Fucker is nuts, - Speaking of Halloween,
you gonna do the midnight cage match
or you gonna be a wet sandwich?
I'm not a wet sandwich,
Table three, your order's ready,
One wet sandwich,
Hold the fun,
Listen, little brother,
You know damn well them cage matches
can get out of hand real fast,
Nobody needs to pop out an eye or tear a liniment
or nothing like that,
Like Mom used to say, Carlos, relajate,
Yeah, why was she always talking like that anyway?
Uh, because she's Mexican,
Mom's Mexican?
But that would make us Mexican,
Yes, brother dear, we are half Mexican,
Are you fucking with me right now?
You could knock me over with a rubber dick,
I had no idea,
So the fact that Mom's name was Maria Angelina Hernandez,
that didn't register with you?
Or that we called our grandfather abuelo?
No, not even a little,
How about the fact that Mom spoke with a Spanish accent?
I thought she had a speech epidemic,
Your name is Carlos,
I thought she named me after abuelo,
I'm done,
Pinche cabron,
So did Skull agree to the midnight Halloween cage match?
He surely did and that's when the shit got weird,
Read on, boy,
- Hey, what's up, brother? - Hey, how long does it take?
That HGH is not doing anything,
Get out of the fucking hall,
Are you kidding me?
How long have you been on?
- A week, - A week?
- Yeah, - Dude, you gotta be patient,
You're gonna be a beast, bro, I guarantee it,
You're gonna be like you could take a chunk out of somebody,
- Just wait, - That would be nice,
Yeah,
I think I need some more though,
I want to stay on it longer,
Oh, come on,
All right, take one,
You can owe me,
- All right, - Can I get one more?
No, you're good,
That'll last you the week,
All right, thanks, Big Wang,
Hasta luego,
Ohh,
I'm going to be a killing machine,
Yeah,
Psst,
Oh, hey,
Get my back for me, will you, buddy?
Hey, bro,
Hide that,
It's too open, there's too many people here,
Come on,
Too many people?
This freaking door has been busted since Prohibition,
They say a guy got stuck in here over a holiday weekend one time,
Poor fucker shit all over himself
and nearly starved half to death,
Starved to death, Jesus,
I don't think you have anything to worry about, Big Wang,
It doesn't look like you've ever missed a meal,
Hold this,
Come on,
Yeah, hey, this GH is crazy, man,
Listen, I'm eating all the time,
Well, who am I kidding, I ate all the time before,
Oh, oh, ah, God,
- You all right, buddy? - Damn it,
Yeah, hey, hey, I put on 15 pounds
- in a week on this shit, - Serious?
I can't wait to try it, man,
Wait, you didn't start?
No, I sold my shit to Evil Dutch,
- That's why I need some more, - Have no fear,
Big Wang is here,
Oh, well, I do like clowns,
I gave another kick to The Great Chorizo,
Yeah, that kid's got big aspirations,
Ooh, ooh,
Ah!
Whoa,
You all right, Big Wang?
Hey, you don't look so good, buddy,
You okay?
What the fuck, Wang?
I fucking knew it,
This Halloween night, for the first time anywhere,
The Great Chorizo!
You're kidding, right?
No, no, this is your chance to shine,
Go big or go home, baby,
- But,,, - I smell money,
- Yip, yip, yip, yip! - Vic,,,
Hello,
I've been waiting for you,
I'm sorry to keep you waiting,
Looks like you guys have some really cool shit in here,
Would you like to see something very special?
- You will like it, - Absolutely,
Para usted y su hermano,
For me and my hermano, my brother, the dick?
Mucho dicko,
Yes, dicko,
Sure, let's see it,
Los mascaras de luchadores,
Luchador mask,
Bueno suerta y magia,
They are filled with luck and with a spooky magic,
Pero, if you take them,
they are yours,
Do you understand?
No, but I'll take them anyway,
These are perfect for the Halloween show,
Um,,,
You know what, I'm a little light on cash,
Can I go to the bank and come back?
No, no,
Gratis,
- For free, - Sold,
You've made some incredible strides in the last six months,
My only concern is you being on the road so long
and going off the program,
Doc, I am doing great
and there's absolutely no reason to be concerned,
Well, I know that there are a lot of casinos where you are
and I want to make sure that the temptation isn't too great,
Listen, Doc, my gambling was destroying my life,
not to mention bringing a ton of pain
to my sweet little Mina,
You and I are six months down the road and I'm telling you
I have never been more in control in my life,
And the anger management tools we worked on,
any outbursts or irrational behavior?
- Not even once, - All right,
Just remember no matter how enraged you get,
smile through your anger,
Smile, it's the key to your healing,
Good day to you Doc Chu,
Baby, I'm so proud of you,
I know how hard it is to control your anger
and giving up football and wagering
- was impossible too, - Thanks, babe,
I just want you to know that it doesn't go unnoticed,
Now roll over,
Okay,
Is it tight, my semimembranosus?
Mhm,
Is Skull bringing Lucy?
I mentioned it to her yesterday,
but I wasn't sure she was going to go
because of the whole foot-breaking thing,
- Uh, unlike you? - I love it!
You think he's gonna ask her again?
Who knows with that guy,
He was probably going to
and then cartoons came on or something,
Hey, what do you think of the new Halloween show masks?
- Tres sexy, - I know, right?
This old gypsy lady sold them to me,
Said they were filled with a spooky magic,
Well, if spooky magic makes you not piss on the toilet seat
in the middle of the night, then I'm all for it,
The urologist told you I have an oddly shaped urethra,
you insensitive witch,
Has he seen the new masks yet?
I don't think he's gonna like them,
Are you kidding me?
He's gonna love them,
I hate 'em,
I think you look badass,
- You really think so? - I know so,
I think it's badass and it makes you look like a superhero,
Well, as long as you like it,
You don't think it makes me look goofy, do you?
Babe, you love Goofy,
Yeah, he is my favorite,
Look, Luce, thanks for coming to the match tonight,
I know you didn't want to
after I snapped that guy's foot off and all that,
Just do me a favor, no more bone breaking,
Shouldn't we be getting ready?
Don't want to be late,
Oh, I don't give a flying shit, I never had to be at a match
freakin' four hours early before,
Why so early?
Vic did this bullshit gimmick
where he charged a bunch of fans up the wazoo for VIP tickets
and they get to come in early and take pictures in the cage
with all the wrestlers and all that crap,
- Hey, Luce, - Yeah, babe?
You know I love you right?
Yes, honey, you tell me all the time,
Well, I mean, you're not bored or nothing are you?
Bored?
Okay, what's going on?
Well, we been together a long time
and I just want to make sure you feel filled up, that's all,
- Fulfilled? - Yeah, that,
Well, do ya?
I'm exactly where I want to be,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
I'm stupidly in love with a wrestler,
Oh, please tell me it's not that guy
who used to punch his munchkin in the shitter
before every match,
No, Carlos,
Not the munchkin puncher,
I'm talking about you,
Oh, aces,
Did you really mean it last week
when you said that I was the star in your sky?
Yeah,
The one my whole planet revolves around,
Then don't worry,
We're perfect together,
Like two peas in a bush?
In a pod, sweetheart,
In a pod,
After significant warning, this was imminent,
That storm front from the west
has finally met that storm front from the northeast,
What we have now is a monster of a storm,
the likes of which Santa Fe hasn't seen for decades,
Lock up your trick or treaters,
Batten down the hatches,
The storm of the century appears to be upon us,
Fake news,
Scott, back to you,
Thank you,
All right, congratulations,
Thank you,
All right, thank you,
Thank you, thank you,
Happy Halloween,
Thump you want to go through our match?
In a minute, Eddie,
Ace-Queen,
Blackjack, Thump,
Yeah, I know what Ace-Queen means,
Deal them again,
- Shit, blackjack, - Gotta love that,
Two in a row, lucky,
Too bad you guys aren't playing for real money,
Yeah, too bad, Eddie,
How about you just watch and spare us the fucking commentary?
Sorry, Thump,
Throw them again,
Odds are in my favor,
Lady luck,
It's like supernatural,
You stacking the deck, motherfucker?
Thump, I swear to God,
if it makes you feel better you can deal,
Yeah, it will make me feel better,
Twice is lucky,
A trifecta,
that's a miracle from God for a schlimazel like you,
Schlimazel?
Unlucky,
I wish I was unlucky like you,
Five-time tag champ,
Smoking hot girlfriend,
And beating Thump's ass at blackjack,
That, that just ain't natural,
Holy shit,
That is like outer space stuff now,
I thought I told you to put a fucking cork in it,
I'm sorry, Thump, but you gotta admit it's pretty cool,
Do you want to go over our match now?
Ask me that again, motherfucker,
You know what, fuck your stupid game,
Stoney, you want to play, do me a favor,
Shuffle those cards real good,
Cut them and shove 'em right up your ass,
Come on, Thump, don't get bent,
Jesus, he hates to lose,
What?
Nothing,
Just a little odd is all,
It's dumb luck,
If you say so,
I've never had dumb luck like that,
Nope, not old Eddie,
Here we go,
The only luck I've ever had is bad,
B-A-D, shitty,
Glass is half full, my ass,
Hey, did somebody hide my lunchbox again?
Come on, man,
This is bullshit!
Chip Abernathy, VIP,
- Pretty brutal out there, huh? - Good,
Can see you got some higher education behind you, huh?
You confused there, boss?
This is a golden VIP ticket,
Once again, your powerful grasp of the apparent
is just astounding,
Yes, this is a golden VIP ticket,
You do know what VIP stands for don't you?
Yes, it means it's for two seats but there's three in your party,
And he counts,
This guy's worse than the fucking guy
we gave 50 bucks to at the valet,
We don't have valet,
What's that, chief?
Nothing,
Maybe we should hire this guy at the firm, huh?
Yes, there are three of us, good,
Well, you need another ticket,
All right, look, I know Vic Quickbuck personally, okay?
And unless you want a job lower on the social ladder
than this one here, then go find our fucking seats,
You still with me, minimum wage?
Follow me,
Thank you,
Maybe these masks are full of a spooky magic,
Hey, Shitty, check this out,
Yeah, so?
Watch close, I'm gonna do it again,
I'm drawing 21 like 10 times in a row,
Well?
Look we talked about this gambling thing, didn't we?
Do I have to do a family invention with you?
Intervention,
Look, put the damn cards away and grow up, will ya?
Look, you don't understand,
This is some really trippy shit,
Well, we got a card change,
Jack is out,,, ahh!
Did you eat a dead possum or a dirty diaper or something?
- Good God, - Wasabi peas,
I've been trying Jack all week,
He hasn't been answering my calls or calling me back,
- He's a no show, - No show?
That guy never misses a bout,
He even worked a match with meningitis once,
Hey, was he that guy with the real stinky feet
who wouldn't take his boots off in the locker room?
What in the fuck are you talking about?
The guy when Jack wrestled with meningitis,
Meningitis is a brain inflammation, genius,
- Not a guy, - Well, the guy with
the real stinky feet was a shitty worker anyway,
This is why we say the card is subject to change,
We put in Evil Dutch for Jack,
The marks love that psychotic fucker, right?
And then it becomes a gimmick that you guys
don't know who you're wrestling against,
Yeah, we can do the whole "bring on anybody
with the balls enough to face the Manson Brothers,"
You announce Evil Dutch and we'll be like,
"Oh no, holy shit, don't do it,"
And then when we announce his partner's going to be
Carson the Crippler Murdock,
the fans will tear the roof off!
Yeah, they will go apeshit when you announce,,,
Wait a minute, Carson?
Did I just fucking hear you correctly?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Carson's gonna be Dutch's partner,
- Ooh, aces, - Hold on, hold on,
Carson's in WWO,
How'd you get them to loan him out
and why would he come here anyway?
Well, I just told him who he was gonna be wrestling against
- and he said he was in, - Yeah, well, with this storm,
Carson's probably holed up in Beverly Hills or Bel Air
or whatever fucking hoity-toity town he lives in,
Oh no, he's been here for hours,
He was meditating in his private dressing room when I got here,
Meditating?
Private dressing room?
He had a rider,
I heard this music,
and I poked my head in,,,
and he was there,
Oh, hey Carson,
Eddie,
Come in,
Come,
Sit,
Meditate with me,
Let's join souls,
Can I?
Carson, what are we looking for?
Emptiness, Eddie,
Just blissful emptiness,
Oh yeah, emptiness,
Sure,
Pretty much my whole life is empty,
And our souls joined,
And it was beautiful, man,
Did I just cross over into the fucking twilight zone?
And why didn't you tell me he was here, captain?
Hey, I thought you knew,
Vic, you're a real conivorator, I'll give you that,
Somebody translate that for me,
I'll be happy to translate it for you,
He means you're a sneaky little dog fucker,
you fucking dog fucker,
For the last time, I did not fuck your dog,
- Mhm, - It was a cuddle,
You know it's a great matchup, you know it!
Yeah, I know it's a great matchup
but you could have told us first, right, Skull?
Oh, I don't give a shit,
I swear to God sometimes you were put on this earth
- just to fuck with me, - Calm down,
It's a good match,
Don't tell me to calm down, Carlos,
Evil Dutch Decker and Carson the Crippler Murdock!
The main event!
I smell money!
We're not done with this conversation, Vic,
Lord Thurman Ruggles,
- What? - Lord Thurman Ruggles,
The guy with the real stinky feet,
Lord Thurman,,, Who gives a dripping shit
about Lord Thurman Ruggles?
I heard when Lord Thurman Ruggles died,
the funeral director made the coroner
cut off his feet before they put him in the casket,
Then they cremated the feet
and flushed the ashes down the toilet,
Fucking guy's buried with no feet,
Do you think they're reunited in heaven?
Yeah, of course, it says so right in the Bible,
If I have to hear one more thing about Lord Thurman Ruggles
and his stinky disembodied motherfucking feet,
I swear to God, I will beat the shit out of both of you
with a sack full of frozen peas,
Okay, okay!
Sorry, geez-o-pete,
Everybody's coming down on old Captain Marvelous,
Fuck,
Hey, class valedictorian,
you know where the hell you're going, man?
We'd like to get to our seats
sometime before the second coming of Christ,
Maybe in this shithole these are the VIP seats,
Hey chief, you ok down there?
You gotta take a piss?
Your tummy cramping?
You starting your period?
Gotta go poopy?
He's gonna shit himself,
Hey, future fry guy, just give me the tickets, okay?
We'll find out own seats,
You seem to be dealing with a lot of business down there,
Hey, hey,
I can't believe Vic pulled that "okey doke" on us
and you didn't even give a shit,
Oh, why should I give a shit?
It was just a stupid match,
God love you, you are simple,
You guys talking about that thing
when Carson tapped out Skull?
He never tapped him out,
For the last fucking time, he won on points
and only because dingle berry here let him,
Carson's been ringing his own bell about it
for the last 20 goddamn years,
Someone ringing their own bell in this business?
Good Christmas, what next?
Are you speaking Pig Latin?
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
- Shit, - Fuck,
What the fuck?
We were just talking about when Carson tapped out Skull
in that shoot match,
Now there's someone I don't miss,
You don't know either?
What don't I now?
Carson is the mystery partner,
- Are you yanking my chain? - I wish he was,
Who's his partner now that Jack's out?
- Dutch, - Dutch?
Dutch and Carson against you guys?
Damn, that's pretty good booking,
It's great booking, I just can't stand his whole
"I'm an old-school hooker, I tapped out Skull Manson"
messianic complex bullshittery,
Yeah, you know that shit
about him tapping out Skull is nonsense,
Yeah, well, I know it's nonsense
and you know it's nonsense,
but trying telling Carson that,
- Try telling Carson what? - Carson, right on cue,
just like the movies, buddy,
We were just talking about your big match with Skull
back in '92,
Oh, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that one?
Yeah, that was just a classic textbook case
of how superior technique
will always overcome your brute strength,
All comes down to the proper training, guys,
Really should've trained him better, Thump,
More training,
That's how it was,
Yeah, is that how it was?
Maybe you and Skull should do another round now
and find out for sure,
- Ah, relax, Thump, - Yeah, Thump,
Skull doesn't want to get embarrassed again,
- No, I don't, - Really?
Well, I mean, I don't,
- Jesus, really? - Who wants to be embarrassed?
Just gonna drop off these new publicity shots for Vic,
Say this much for you, you certainly come prepared,
- Aw, That's for you, - Thanks,
Those are nice,
Guys, I get it, okay?
You guys are all a little envious and intimidated
by my star power and success in this industry,
It's only natural,
I mean, I've seen me,
And, then, there I am up in New York at the big show,
million-dollar contracts, endorsement deals,
suits that cost more than your houses,
I mean, well, your trailers, and you guys are here,
I get it, okay?
Oh, you're gonna fucking get it,
- Calm down, Thump, - Better listen to him, Thump,
Man of your advanced age,
wouldn't want you popping an aneurysm,
You know, the enfeebled are prone to subdural hematomas,
hip fractures,
The other day, we had a guy that was just like you
who also should've been in a nursing home,
That's it!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey! Maybe you haven't heard the news,
but I don't sweat you, See?
I mean, don't get me wrong, you used to be great
maybe like a hundred years ago,
but now you're just like every other washed-up,
over-the-hill has-been
that should've hung up his boots two decades ago,
Why don't you do us all a favor?
Go home, Change your diapers,
watch The Golden Girls marathon,
and stop embarrassing yourself, okay?
Save your breath, jabroni,
You're gonna need it to blow around
- your fucking wheelchair, - Come on, guys,
we're all still friends here, right?
Yeah, yeah,
We're all friends here,
We're just grab-assing a little bit, right, Thump?
Maybe next time,
Bet on it, pencil dick,
Why don't you do us all a favor
and shut the fucker's yap?
Ah, Thump, I got no beef with him,
Who told you to put up with shit like that anyway?
You,
Oh, fuck me anyway, Hey, sweetheart,
Thump, can we go through our match now?
Eddie, stop busting my balls,
You're worse than having a kid,
Luce, you made it,
He convinced me this morning,
He can be a bit of a procrastinator,
Babe, I told you it was one time,
You were out of town for a whole week
and you left your lingerie magazines out,
You got to tell everybody?
Oh, honey, don't be embarrassed,
Everybody does it,
Hey, Lucy, there's always the Witness Protection Program
- if you need it, - Yeah,
or you can just go ahead
and give it another shot with me,
I'm still single, you know?
- Shocking, - I know, right?
I mean, hey, babe, you already blew your shot,
but I could make an exception if you want to try it again,
As appealing as that sounds, I think I'll pass,
- Your loss, - Mins, any fans out there?
The contest winners are starting to trickle in,
but I heard it's gonna be slammed
- once the doors open, - We've got a problem,
- Again? - What's that?
They just issued a warning for the storm of the century,
They're telling people to find some place safe
- and hunker down, - Come on,
where'd you hear that from?
Captain Miserable's boom box,
You're sure it's not just a drizzle then?
Oh, no, it's legit,
I turned on the TV after,
We are so close!
Feel like this is a bad joke now,
First, Jack goes missing,
Then, Dutch gets sick,
And now the storm may shut us down!
Wait a minute, Dutch is sick?
Yeah, he felt like a whore's leaky nose since he got here,
Drinking tons of water,
I got to get him another case right now,
Let us know if you need any help,
Yeah, help, as if,
Captain Miserable?
The guy with the cape?
Our very own Captain Marvelous,
One of those rare individuals that has the ability to make
everybody feel like shit just by walking in the room,
He's one of them guys,
He walks into your house
and all your fucking plants die,
It's true, Come on, we'll show you,
Shh,
I'm starting to understand why this place
always smells like shit,
Hey, Eddie, what are you doing?
Trying to figure out my match with Thump,
He likes to call it in the ring,
Hey, listen, I heard you won 25 grand
on a scratch-off lottery ticket last month,
That was such bullshit,
I missed 30 grand by one fucking number,
Had to give two grand to my bitch ex-wife,
Only got 15 grand after taxes,
I mean, what the fuck is the point?
Might as well flush the ticket down the crapper,
Old Eddie getting screwed again,
Oh, come on,
You're still working, right?
This business is such bullshit,
I mean, how do people believe this crap?
Seriously, it's such bullshit,
It's so fake,
Ah,
The whole thing sucks,
Ew, you didn't wipe,
- I just peed, - You sit to pee?
Yes, but I don't stand to pooh,
Oh, thank God,
I think I'm gonna go have my picture taken by the cage
- with Radiant Bobby, - He's so hot!
Just don't forget who you're with,
One half the most hated tag team in professional wrestling,
public enemy number one,
And if you think after all that
any other man can catch my eye, you're crazy, baby,
All right, now you're laying it on a little thick,
- Go have fun, - Did I mention
he was smoking hot?
- Uh, who's smoking hot? - Witch,
Ah, you make my balls tickle,
What the fuck is the matter with you?
Oh, yeah, um, you know,
there's something wrong with Dutch,
He's like catatonic or something,
Hammer!
Hey, what happened?
Did you cut yourself shaving?
Oh, I was showing Evil Dutch this new move,
then all of a sudden, the fucker bit me,
Wait, He bit you?
Yeah, we were locked up and, suddenly,
I felt a sting in my ear and he fucking bit me,
I mean, it's no big deal, just broke the skin,
but what the fuck?
He miss a meal or something?
I don't know, man, but you might want
to get that taped up,
It's no big thing,
I'll just put some glue on it
and take some pics with the fans,
Yeah, I mean, you got two, right?
Stoney, saw your girl out there,
Shit!
As long as you see with your eyes
and not your hands, Holyfield,
You know me, baby,
Dutch gets hungry,
Evil Dutch?
Hey, Dutch?
I've never seen him like this before,
Yo, Dutch, you okay, brother?
Dutch, did you drink all this water?
Yeah,
Thirsty,
I need some water,
Dutch, did you take
all the Chinese growth hormone shit?
Yeah, I need to get huge again,
I need some water,
Dutch,,,
Dutch!
- Dutch! - Oh,
Hey, Carson, when did you get here?
Uh, right about the time that I said hello to you
out in the hallway,
Oh, yeah, right,
Wow, must be getting punchy or something,
Hey, can I get another case of water?
- I'm so damn thirsty, - Yeah, Yeah, sure, buddy,
I'll get you all the water you want,
but are you sure you're okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine,
You guys ribbing me or something?
Huh?
Vic Quickbuck, let's make money,
Yeah, Roy, lay it on me, what are you doing?
I know, I know, Roy, no, Roy, Roy, I heard, I heard that,
There's got to be somebody that we can call
and maybe we can get them to,,,
Roy, are you there?
Shit!
Well, we have another challenge,
That was Roy Stroble from the Wrestling Commission,
- We are officially shut down, - What do you mean "shut down"?
The storm has been upgraded,
The streets are impassable,
The power is out everywhere,
The city is locked down,
- Oh, aces, - Seems fine here,
Yeah, I know it looks fine here
because this place is built like a fortress,
I got no cell service,
Okay, what's that mean for us?
What's this mean for us?
What this means for us is we are cancelado,
Nobody can get in here, nobody can get out of here,
So I hope somebody brought a deck of cards
for the pinochle tournament we are having
- because we are locked in, - Locked in?
- Locked in, - Oh, no, no, no,
Okay, I can't be locked in here,
Carson, quit hypervaginating,
So we're stuck in here for a little while,
Who gives a crap?
Fuck that, okay?
If we are in fact stuck in here,
I'm about to lose my shit, all right?
The living legend,
Hey, you know what? Fuck you, Stone, okay?
I'm a little tired of all the condescending bullshit
- you're throwing at me, - Oh, really? Are ya?
Put a cork in it, will ya?
We don't got time for this crap,
Wait, if you're pulling the plug on the match,
what's that mean about our money?
Do I have to draw you a diagram?
No match, no payout,
That's horseshit, Vic,
You gave us a guarantee based on presales
and our strong names, you cheap bastard,
Wait a second, The presales have to be refunded,
I got to protect my good name, okay?
You guys get paid out of the gate sales,
No gate, no paycheck,
Come on, Stoney, you know how this works,
Now unless someone else wants to do it,
I need to bring water to Dutch, one of the other competitors,
Penny-pinching, candy-stealing son of a bitch,
- Stone! - Oh, fuck,
Where's my four grand?
I want it instamatically,
Butch, we're just talking about your money,
Brother owes money to the dwarven mafia?
That would seem to be the case,
You had me come to Santa Fe, to this shithole?
Well, here I am, funny guy,
Now where's my money?
- Am I missing something? - No, Skull!
I'm missing something, four grand, plus the juice
that your deadbeat brother owes me now for two months,
and I want it now,
Hey, man, hey, let's just keep it calm, okay?
Let's calm down a little bit,
Yeah, just pop Stone,
Don't hit no innocent bystander,
You're not helping, Carlos,
Now, listen, Julius,,, I'm sorry, Butch,
come on, man, I told ya I was gonna get your money,
You just got to help me out
and stop being such a stiff prick
with all this Irish mob bullshit, okay?
I'm sorry, Stoney,
It's these guys, these guys that I'm working for,
They treat me like a little bitch all the time,
- And you want to know why? - Why?
'Cause you're a midget?
What? No,
I'm not a hundred percent Irish,
you insensitive ass,
My mom's Hungarian,
How am I supposed to know the guy's ethics
and nationgalities?
Hey, I understand you, bro,
All you want is a little respect,
Is that too much to ask for?
I think you're entitled,
I'm a good person, Stone,
This just really hurts my feelings,
I know it does, come here,
I love you, man,
Those guys just don't understand you like we do,
- Right, Skull? - Apparently not,
Uh, Butch, since when does my brother owe you four large?
I was gonna tell you about that,
Numbnuts here, he takes a bet down on the Bears
two months ago and it dumps,
He doubles down on the Jets,
I told him not to lay the bet down,
but if a guy wants to lose his money
down the crapshoot, who am I to get in the way?
I mean, I got to make a living too, right, Skull?
Yeah, what a maroon,
Listen, uh, my brother and I got to ejaculate
about some stuff over here,
Why don't you go get us some beer?
Okay, uh,,,
Oh, shit, uh, do you mind lending me 20 bucks?
The arena is shut down,
Just go behind the concession stand
and pour it yourself, and get me one too,
- Bring you two? - Also,
- Bring you two also? - Bring me one also,
Then why'd you say two?
- Just get the fucking beer! - Okay, all right!
I'll get the fucking beer! Jeez!
You guys acting like I'm the one that owes you money,
I strike fear in the heart of people, you know?
Fear!
Four grand, you fucko,
No wonder you jumped on that match so fast,
When are you gonna tell me about your debt to Butch,
formerly Julius?
When I asked you for your half of the payout,
Oh, you're a real beauty, you,
What the fuck is that?
Let's go, living legend,
We may need your superhuman wrestling skills,
Hey, wait up,
Dutch?
Ew, Vic gave Dutch head?
Well, I guess he could get off on a technicality,
No pun intended,
- Guys? - Yeah?
- Let's bail, - Yeah,
What do you think?
Maybe he snapped out of it like before,
Yeah, you want to bet on that?
Hey, who wants light?
My heart,
Dutch, hey, hey, let's just take it easy, right?
Remember, we're your friends, pal,
Remember, we're your friends?
I don't think so, Carson,
He's all transmutilated,
Dutch,
Dutch, stop!
Dutch, get off him!
Dutch, stop! That's enough!
Holy shit, man,
I think he's dead,
Yup, he's dead, man,
You fucking killed him, you killed Evil Dutch, man,
I wasn't trying to, he was trying to kill my brother,
This is bad, this is really fucking bad, man,
Fellas, I hate to interrupt,
but can I get a little help here?
You okay?
Oh, yeah, Never better,
I guess I don't have to sweat that four grand anymore,
Lucky son of a bitch,
Okay, okay, so what do we do now?
Let's drag the bodies in the dressing room with Vic,
Yeah, yeah,
- Do we just,,, - Yeah,
Okay, okay,
Oh, fuck,
Just killed him,
I'm telling ya, it's this black market Chinese shit,
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh, it's okay, baby, I got you,
It's fine, Oh, okay, or that, that's fine,
What did you do?
You guys, you have to come to the cage,
There's something wrong with your friend, Hammer,
Mina went to take a picture with him,
and then the next thing we know,
he just collapsed on top of her,
- Is she okay? - She's okay,
She's with the fight doctor,
- Dr, Dudembrü? - He's out of rehab?
Hey, Hammer just dropped out right,,,
Oh, what the fuck is this?
- Are they dead? - Oh, yeah, they're dead,
- Holy shit, they're all dead! - I just said that,
- What the hell happened? - Dutch went crazy
and killed Vic and Butch,
- Who killed Dutch? - Skull,
- Skull? - What are you, a parrot?
Guys, please, come to the cage!
Thump, don't let anybody near the dead bodies,
If you get a cell signal, call the police or fire,
- Got it, - What should I do?
Do what you do best, bitch and moan!
Hey!
Okay, I can do that,
Mins, are you okay?
Yeah, babe, I'm little, but I'm tough,
- That's my girl, - What happened to Hammer?
He just dropped like a rock,
This ear looks really infected, though,
Oh, yeah, they reinstitate your license, huh, professor?
Twenty-eight days clean to get my rig back,
Nightmare,
I'd like to schedule you for a full rectal,
She's up to date, Dudembrü,
She's hot,
Can I help? I almost graduated podiatry school,
What are you gonna do, check for bunions?
The guy was like 20 feet tall,
Hey, you don't have to be a driveling prick about it,
I was just trying to help, I got feelings too, you know?
We're just fucking with you, Bob,
Yeah, Bob, I'm sorry, Can you go take care
of the fans or something, do your Radiant Bobby thing?
I'll radiate 'em all right,
Man, is that guy in shape,
- His six-pack has a six-pack, - I know, right?
Hammer say anything before he crashed?
Just started mumbling about being thirsty or something
like he was in a trance, and then he fell on top of me
and I was counting lights on the ceiling,
Dutch was sick like that,
- Dutch is sick? - Dutch is dead,
What? How?
Skull killed him,
Why would you kill Dutch?
Doc, he, like, went all apeshit,
He killed Vic and this other friend of ours,
He was out of control,
- It was like he was all rabbit, - Rabid,
I don't know, guys,
This ear looks bad, What happened?
He said he was grab-assing in the locker room
earlier with Dutch and Dutch bit him,
but the ear didn't look like that before,
No, no,
I don't like this at all,
What do you think it is?
Holy shit!
Run! Run!
Mina!
Baby, I don't feel so good,
Mina!
Oh, shit,
Mina,
I'm so sorry,
Vic said he was gonna put the belt on me next week,
Said I'd be champ for next year,
I guess that's out the window now,
What the hell is the matter with you?
What's the matter with me?
I'm always getting the shaft,
Shaft, Thump,
Here comes Eddie, let's screw him to the wall,
Eddie, there are three dead bodies in that room,
Our friends are dead,
Oh, crap, I think I'm having a panic attack,
I'm gonna need my inhaler,
Yeah, suck it dry, pal,
If that doesn't work, try a gas pipe,
Jesus,
Oh! Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hang on! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Look, Chorizo, it's me, Captain Marvelous!
Good old Eddie,
Remember I gave you that little scooter
for your paraplegic dad, the one with the missing ear?
Yeah!
That's right, old Eddie,
You don't want to hurt anybody,
Yeah, I didn't think so,
Yeah, I didn't think you wanted to hurt anybody,
Okay?
I know, I know,
How about we go get some sopapillas?
Okay, no sopapillas,
Fuck sopapillas,
Olé!
You weren't going anywhere with that name anyways,
Thump, Thump!
Hey, Thump, get this, you know the Great Chorizo,
the kid who ate all your Pop-Tarts that one time?
Shh, shh, shh, shh,
Shut your pie hole, Listen,
Move, move, move!
Get in the locker room!
I'm definitely having a panic attack,
Oh, get this crazy bitch off me!
You fucking jabroni!
That's your ass, motherfucker!
Skull, help me!
Get her off me!
Snap her fucking head off!
Boring!
Skull, get over here!
What the fuck?
Wait! Everybody, freeze!
Where's my rig?
Oh, thank God,
Thank God,
As you were!
Is everyone all right?
- Oh, God, I'm hurt! - Sweetheart, no!
I'm hurt,
- Doc! - Yeah?
Is he gonna be okay?
I'm sorry, son, this is it,
He's not gonna make it,
No!
Stone, I'm so sorry, man, it was an accident, bro,
I swear to God,
Come on, let's give 'em a second,
I got to make a confession before I pass, okay?
Do you remember on your 25th birthday,
I got you that hot Asian hooker,
the one that looked like Tia Carrere, remember?
How could I forget, man? She gave me
the best blowie of my life,
Yeah, well, it was a guy,
Why?
I didn't have enough money for bus fare,
and the chick was extra money, so I went with the dude!
His name was Gordie Chang, and during the day
he caught and sold pigeons to Chinese restaurants
for chicken almond ding, but at night,
he turned tricks for extra cash!
Jesus,
Everything is getting dark,
Wait a minute, stop the presses,
The bullet entered the infected body here, right?
The exit wound is here,
You're gonna be all right,
It missed you,
Skull! Ha-ha!
You're gonna live!
Oh, shit!
They got Thump,
Sorry, Skull,
Shit! Thump!
Ah, shit, man,
A fucking dude?
Look, it doesn't mean you're gay,
- Stop, of course it doesn't, - I'm just saying
because it's a little bit of a gray area,
Haven't you said enough already, Skull?
It's got to be this Chinese shit,
- Chinese shit? - Yeah, Dutch was taking
this Chinese black market growth hormone,
Then everything went up for grabs,
Well, Dutch got infected with that hormone
and there was something in it,
And if the incubation process is going from infection
to full-blown disease that quickly,
we are in serious, serious trouble,
See, we wouldn't know who was infected,
It could be anybody,
Who was touching who?
- Are you okay? - Yeah,
That girl scratched me a little bit
when she was attacking me,
but it's not bleeding or anything, so,,,
Luce! Lucy!
What the fuck?
Carson!
Why did you do that, Carson?
You fucking murdered her, you piece of shit!
No, she was infected just like all these guys,
- It was a scratch! - She would've turned,
You don't know that!
This magic mask better fucking work,
Hey, take it easy, brother,
She was infected and she would've turned
just like them,
Hey, Skull,
Don't make me shoot you,
Skull, I fucking swear to God I will kill you,
Look out!
Oh, shit!
Good, eat that phony sack of shit!
Me and you ain't done!
- Doc, you okay? - Yeah, I'm good,
I'm on full, I'm good,
Eddie?
Shit! Eddie!
Eddie,,,
Screwed again,
Guys, we got to keep our heads on,
Stone, if this virus really does spread that fast
and it gets outside the building,
it's gonna be an all-out pandemic,
If the storm keeps up, nothing is getting in or out,
That means we're stuck in here with them,
No, It means they're stuck in here with us,
We're gonna kill every single fucking one of 'em,
Please hold,
These fuckers seem abnormally strong,
We can't get out in this shit, but they might be able to,
The only open doors were this one
and the main entrance,
That's on the other end of the marina,,, arena
which is that way,
Yeah,
But I got a plan,
Go, go, go, go! Come on!
Get in the cage, get in the cage!
Shut it!
- Got it! - Get in the ring,
Come on!
Come on, Doc!
This ain't gonna hold 'em forever,
Sooner or later, they're gonna figure out
they can climb over the top,
Zombie, 12:00,
- Oh, shit, - Moon!
- Let's get this over with, - Get what over with?
Dammit, Moon, We thought you were infected,
I am infected with about a fifth of good bourbon,
I hid under the ring when the shit hit the fan,
See how I did that? The shit hit the fan,
Yeah, it's very clever,
If you guys got any idea how to get out of here,
I'm willing to listen to it,
- We're gonna let 'em in, - What?
Let 'em in?
Are you out of your gourd?
No, listen,
The doc and Moon hide on the floor
between the ring apron and the cage,
Then, me and you open up the gate
and they'll come flying in right for us,
I'm failing to see how that's a good idea,
Me and Stone lure 'em to the opposite corner,
You and Moon slip out the door,
slam the gate shut,
locking us in here with them!
Locking them in with us?
Oh, how silly of me, I failed to see it,
- What a perfect plan, Dumbass! - Just listen!
It's too tight for us to get 'em all in here at once,
They'll swarm us, so we'll go over the top,
By the time they figure out they can come over the top,
we'll pick 'em off a cappella as they come down, savvy?
- Skull, you're an idiot, - That might work,
You think you guys can handle all of them?
Can we handle 'em?
- Can we handle 'em? - We're the Manson Brothers,
We can handle it,
- You two take a powder, - Good luck, boys,
Shitty time for bourbon to run dry,
Are you sure this is gonna work?
Doc, you got some nitrous or anything?
- No, - You selfish bastard,
Oh, Lord,
- Put the mask on, - Yeah, right,
Let's get ready,
Ready?
- Yeah, - Pull it,
Here they come!
Fuck,
Well, that was weird,
It's the masks,
A spooky magic,
A spooky magic!
Oh, boy,
A spooky magic,
- Let's bail! - Go!
Come on, come on, come on!
Hurry up,
Give me that,
Suerte magia,
That's exactly what the gypsy said,
Uh-oh,
He's even hot as a zombie,
Oh, this ain't good,
Fundamentals, fundamentals!
Fundamentals, fundamentals,
Good,
- Skull, help! - Okay, you've got this,
Yeah, he's yours,
Hey, dickhole,
not the best time to prove a point!
Good,
Okay, atomic wedgie,
Atomic wedgie, atomic wedgie,
Okay, good,
Now, pressure, pressure,
Grab your jacket,
Grab your jacket like this, put him to sleep,
Good, just like that,
Pressure,
Pressure, Good,
Nice, Nice,
See? Now was that hard?
You're effective,
You're sloppy as shit, but you're effective,
Could've got bit,
Giving me the old
win one for the gipper speech, Knute Rockne,
Oh, I love the one where Rockne fights Mr, T,
Little pitchy, boys,
Listen, I'm gonna go get my phone out of my bag,
Maybe we could reach somebody,
- Hold on a minute, - What?
It's my semimembranosus,
Know what you should do?
Put a little Vagisil on it,
It's not a crotch itch, it's a muscle strain,
It's your vagina,
You stay here with the Santa Fe zombie boys choir,
I'll be right back,
Yeah, right,
Jesus H, Christmas, something ain't right in there,
Oh!
I guess it's hard to call in when you're dead,
Sorry, Jack, Wanger,
Wow, Well, it looks like we might
actually make it out of here tonight after all,
- Figured you for dead, - Me?
No, No, no, no,
Nah, see, I just found me a nice little place
to bunker down, waited it out,
Oh, thank God,
I mean, you wouldn't want to, I don't know,
help or anything, right?
I always knew you were a phony little weasel anyway,
though, so,,,
It's just the two of us now,
You know what, Stone?
I never liked you, man,
No,
No, so you've spent so long
trying to undermine my reputation
as a legit hooker,
'Cause you're not a legit hooker,
Your entire career has been built on a lie
that you've told yourself so many times,
you actually believe it,
And it may not have bothered my brother,
but it sure as shit bothered me
listening to you blow yourself all these years
with that living legend crock of shit,
Well, I am the living legend,
and I'm about to be even more of a legend
when the whole public, when they hear
about how I single-handedly thwarted the greatest pandemic
since the bubonic plague,
Would you shut the fuck up?
Fuck! Ahh!
Anyway, like I was saying,
now all I have to do is just kill all of those guys
and then kill you,
and then nobody will be the wiser,
Carson, I must admit, I was pretty happy
when I thought you were dead, buddy,
But I gotta tell ya, I'm ecstatic
to find out you're alive,
Aw,
Thank you, Why is that?
Well, seeing you find out
what I've known all these years,
it is gonna be a gas,
Don't keep me guessing, What is it?
That on your best day you couldn't beat my brother
if he was drunk and wearing roller skates,
Oh, please, Stone,
Okay, you and I both know that I would've ripped
your weak-ass brother apart in five seconds flat,
- Five seconds, huh? - Yup,
I'll take that action,
Hey! Skull, What's going on, buddy?
I thought you were dead, man, I didn't know you,,,
You didn't tell me he was still alive,
Hey, bro, you're not gonna need that,
Toss it over here,
Hey, Skull, take it easy, man,
I understand you are super pissed right now,
I get it, and we're gonna get through it, okay, man?
I mean, it's gonna be fi,,, Oh, come on, Skull,
You don't want to do that,
You don't want to get embarrassed again,
I mean, do you really want to trade blows with the master?
Do you really want to take on
the fucking people's champion, huh?
So much for not being a legit hooker, huh?
You always were Thump's little bitch,
Would you quit fucking around and kill this asshole already?
- Say uncle, motherfucker! - Uncle!
- Did he say it? - I didn't hear anything,
You know, of all the people who got killed today,
I'm glad he's dead the most,
You know, his problem always was
he just never understood
the tiny hermaphrodites of the art,
- What about them? - They'll starve to death,
- Zombies? - Ish,
Infected zombies adjacent,
Yeah, right,
- Fuck 'em, - Fuck 'em,
Well, Shitty, Happy Halloween,
Oh, yeah, trick-or-fucking-treat,
You okay?
No,
- You? - Not even a little,
You know what? I'm out, Finished,
Yeah, me too, I'm done,
D-U-N,
We are officially retired,
Oh, I'm gonna excrementally enjoy this,
You're a real piece of work, you,
That didn't sound like a thank you,
I really wanted to kill that guy to death,
You're welcome,
You know what?
The Manson Brothers are leaving the building,
Leaving the building,
Walking out the door,
Not coming back,
Jabronis!
This motherfucker,
That was fucking kick-ass awesome, Pa!
What'd I tell ya? I wouldn't bullshit you,
You're my favorite turd,
But was that the end of the Manson Brothers?
Hell no, it wasn't the end of the Manson Brothers,
What, are you some kind of idiot?
In fact, you might even say it was just the beginning,
What happened next?
Huddle up, little man,
Do you believe in satanic,
blood-sucking, hot-chick vampires
with gargantuan fun bags?
Oh, you will,
Fuck!
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The fire that burns deep inside ♪
♪ Carries him safe through the night ♪
♪ The warrior's heart never dies ♪
♪ When he carries it first to the, first to the fight ♪
♪ First to the fight ♪
♪ He tried to walk away, but they called his bluff ♪
♪ It's time to make them bleed ♪
♪ Time to be tough ♪
♪ He can never back down, always answers the call ♪
♪ Kicking ass for a few and justice for all ♪
♪ The fire that burns deep inside ♪
♪ Carries him safe through the night ♪
♪ The warrior's heart never dies ♪
♪ When he carries it first to the, first to the fight ♪
♪ First to the fight ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ Well, he stood his ground and made his stand ♪
♪ Went running to these judgment hands ♪
♪ When push came to shove, he gave them a fist ♪
♪ Didn't pick this fight ♪
♪ Now it's going to burn ♪
♪ The fire that burns deep inside ♪
♪ Carries him safe through the night ♪
♪ The warrior's heart never dies ♪
♪ When he carries it first to the, first to the fight ♪
♪ First to the fight ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ The fire that burns deep inside ♪
♪ Carries him safe through the night ♪
♪ The warrior's heart never dies ♪
♪ When he carries it first to the, first to the fight ♪