SURPRISE! I COMMITTED
RUSSIA SIX MONTHS AGO
Mom, I'm nervous,
With what?
Stop with that,
There is no reason to be nervous,
What if he likes me?
What does she mean by that? Who wouldn't like how you look?
Mom, there is more to love than just looks,
It's true, but your appearance certainly helps, Believe me
When you are attractive
life is better,
I'm not sure I want to go to America,
Why don't you want to go to America?
Because I feel good here,
I am always on stage, performing,
You can perform in California,
Look at it,
seems very respectable,
So beautiful,
He will be the future mayor,
He sends you a lot of gifts, doesn't he?
It is rare to be compromised by the Internet,
It is totally normal,
So normal,
People even fall in love with the Internet now,
It is not weird,
What if I don't fall in love with him?
He has money,
The beauty fades, Youth is ending, The money stays,
-But love? -What love are you talking about?
Where is my love? How am I today?
I've spent my whole life in the kitchen,
I gave my best years to your dad and he left, who knows where,
that idiot,
Love leaves you with a broken heart
And the money leaves you with a Porsche
Yes maybe,
Mom, do you really think I'll be happy there?
Of course!
You will be rich in America,
You will live in a big and beautiful house,
How bad can that be?
LOS ANGELES TWO WEEKS LATER
What are you doing?
That is madness,
That is a bad idea,
There is no shame in canceling that,
None of your friends or family are here,
Just go back there and say, "No thanks,"
Leave the money, forget the citizenship and return to Russia,
Where will you live with your mother and then marry a loser
who does not support you and they will have nine children,
We are here, gathered to celebrate the union
of Bill and Anna in marriage,
If there is anyone present who is opposed to this
marriage, please speak up now or be quiet forever,
I declare you husband and
wife, and spouses for life,
Bill, you can kiss your amazing fiancee,
LOS ANGELES CURRENTLY
Good morning dear,
What's wrong now?
-I'm bored, -Boring?
We have a satellite dish with 800 channels,
Exactly,
TV is my only entertainment,
Mr, Bill!
Come here! Look!
-You are on TV, -Yes, my commercial,
I'm Bill Cunningham and I'm running for mayor,
Why should you vote for me?
It's very simple: I do incredible things,
I started in my dad's business,
Amazing, right? I own two Mercedes Benz,
And this is my rich wife and smoker,
BILL CUNNINGHAM FOR MAYOR
Say "hi" dear,
Do I need to say anything else? Let me summarize:
I live an amazing life,
Let me be an amazing mayor to you,
VOTE BILL CUNNINGHAM FOR MAYOR
Very good, Mr, Bill,
You are so beautiful,
And you, Mrs, Anna, you are so beautiful,
Of course yes,
-Good work, dear, -That's the closest I got to acting
Since I got here,
Who needs to act when you have all that?
TV does not cure loneliness,
What about Martha? She has it,
Yes, Mr, Bill,
I tell you what to do then,
Buy something cool for you
And I'm taking you out for dinner tonight,
-Seriously? -Insurance, We haven't been out for a long time,
I look for you at seven,
Hi Mom!
Hello dear, How are you doing in America?
I am buying a dress,
Any special occasion?
Just for fun,
Fun?
Do you know the last time I went shopping for dresses just for fun?
That country was still called the Soviet Union,
Mom, it's boring and lonely here,
Here too it is boring and lonely,
Actually, Bill is taking me out tonight,
We haven't been out in a long time,
He is hardly ever at home, I don't think it matters to me,
What are you talking about?
How are your cooking classes?
-They're going well, -Good idea,
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach,
Well, the second fastest, The first is the,,,
Mother?
I'm in the last week of class,
It was a fun eight weeks,
The teacher is very sweet,
To the tender teachers, Do not forget that you are married,
If you can call that marriage,
Anna, marriage is hard work,
Mom, I'm going to try on the dress, I'll call you later, I love you,
Shut up, watch,
Mrs, Anna?
Martha,
-I didn't know you were still here, -Yes ma'am,
I've finished, I can go home?
Yes,
-Came? -More wine? No problem,
-I'm going to search for you right now, -No,
I want to know would you like to have a glass of wine?
Me, ma'am?
But Mr, Bill,,,
Okay, Mr, Bill isn't here and Mrs,
Anna says it's all right, so sit down,
Come,
I know what he means,
When I came to America, people were
so mean to me for being an immigrant,
Sorry, but everyone in America immigrated from somewhere,
Yes, I know that my English is not very good,
but those who speak english
They can't speak their language properly, but they
feel special when they say "grill" in a restaurant,
Mexican fajitas, yes!
You're right, Whenever we go to a Mexican restaurant,
Bill always says "please" like he's showing off or something,
And I know what he is trying to do, because
he never says "thank you" in English,
Yes,
Tonight is the 856th episode of the show Snapped,
It's about killing husbands, come on,
Wait for me! Wait for me!
Do you know that TV?
She is huge,
The heads on the screen are five times bigger than in real life,
-Yes, -And that bed is like a cloud,
If angels watched HD TV, it would be exactly like this,
Extravagant,
Do you know why Los Angeles is called that?
-Why? -Because all angels are Mexican,
Look,
Yes, good,
-Very good, -Yes I like that,
Don't put too much, Only a little,
It's okay, Enough!
Good,
Health,
-Health, -Health,
Do you want to see the Russian dance?
-Yes? -Yes Show me,
Wait a minute, Wait a minute,
What the hell?
What?
Why is there an immigrant in my bed?
Because I am your wife,
No, I'm talking about her,
Well, we were drinking,
Jesus,
I don't like how that is going,
Shut up,
Is not that,
She kept me company, since you didn't come home last night,
You should have taken me to dinner!
-I sent you a message, -No, you didn't send me,
Good,,,
If she's not the Latina Goldilocks Lady,
Guess what?
Papa bear is at home and you are sleeping in his bed,
Mr, Bill!
-OMG, -I hope you're not waiting
get overtime for sleeping in my bed,
-I go now, -Wow, You better hurry
because you need to get back to work in three hours,
Unless I decide to fire you,
What?
You are an idiot,
Let me get some sleep, Where are you going?
For the guest room,
All good, at least I won't waste money this time,
Don't want to talk about what happened?
Yes of course,
Don't let the maid sleep in our bed,
End of discussion,
Eggs, Mr, Bill?
-What? -She's asking she wants eggs,
English! We speak English in this house,
Where did I come from, when you say "eggs", she means testicles,
So no "eggs"?
No, no "eggs",
No eggs,
Martha, I'm going to want the eggs, please,
So now you're trilingual?
Very well,
Thank you, Mrs, Anna,
In English,
-That means "thank you," -I know what it means,
But we are in America,
And in America, we speak English,
If we lived in Russia, I would speak Russian,
If we lived in Mexico, I would speak Mexican,
Spanish,
Does not matter,
But we are not in Russia or Mexico,
We are in the United States of America, my dear,
More eggs, Mrs, Anna?
Well, students,
Before we start, I just wanted to
remind you that this is our last class,
I just want you to know that I have had a lot
of fun with you in these last eight weeks,
e if any of you get a job in a restaurant,
let me know so I never eat there,
I'm kidding,
Today we are going to cook salmon,
Any questions before we start?
-Bobby, -I don't like salmon,
That is not a question,
You can lower your hand, Thank you,
Who would like to cut legumes?
I do that,
Thanks, Sophie,
Start cutting that, please,
Wonderful, Now who wants to help me with the fish?
-Ricky, do you want to? -No,
I raised my hand, because I'm not good with knives,
Alex, would you like to help with the fish?
Will I stay near the oven?
Folks, what have you guys done in the last eight weeks?
-Looking? -Well, sometimes participating,
Well, Anna, would you like to come here and help me with the fish?
Yes,
-Great, how's it going? -Good,
-Have you cooked salmon before? -No,
Well, neither do I,
-Then that's going to be interesting, right? -Let's do that!
Okay, first, grab the fish,
-Grab from the inside, -So?
Yes, it should be,
Put it in the pot,
Well, it must be so,
Good,
Very well,
Do you feel a chemistry between them?
-We are not friends, -What are we going to do
is to leave the skin side,,,
-Goodbye teacher, -Bye thank you,
-Bye, -Goodbye,
Goodbye,
-Goodbye, -Thank you for cutting my food,
You are a very good cook,
-Goodbye, -Goodbye People, See you soon,
-Bye, -Goodbye,
Goodbye,
Yes, I'm outside waiting for you,
-Yes, -Hello,
-Everything is alright? -Yes,
My transportation is late,
Well want
sit here and wait or is it weird talking to your teacher?
No? Yes?
-Yes, -Yes,
If you have any questions you can call me,
So, he went to France, and you
know, he can't speak any language,
-and they fall in love, -I already told you:
I want to see a new, action movie,
I already told you I want to see Le Petite Cabin,
But it is in French,
I know, This is what subtitles are for,
Reading is when I'm with a Kindle, in the bathroom at home, not at the movies,
I'm not going to see your movie,
It's okay,
See you here after the movies, okay?
- Are we going to see different movies? -That matters?
It's not like we were going to chat during the movie or something,
We are not idiots,
Speak for yourself,
You are hysterical,
Hi,
A ticket for the movie Le Petite Cabin,
A ticket for the Explosive Revenge movie,
Thank you,
So, see you here after the movie,
-Have fun, -That's not funny,
People are accusing me of working for Russia,
saying things like: "He is talking to Putin,"
There is nothing wrong with having a good relationship with another country,
I can assure you that,,,
But what the fuck!
-Can't we listen to music? -No, I want to hear that,
When you are the chauffeur, you can listen to whatever you want,
All three, maybe all four,,,
So it's just stopping the car and letting me drive,
No,
We should have done the same thing we did with
the movies and have been in different cars,
Okay, now we know for next time,
We are giving them small amounts of intelligence and funding,,,
It's all business, It's not a big deal,
-Stop, -Noo, I already told you
-I'm not going to let you drive, -Just stop!
I mean, look at all the jobs,
I am bringing them back to this country without anyone's help, Many vacancies,
-What do you do? -I'm walking,
-Do you know how long it will take? -I do not care,
Do you really want to walk home in heels?
-Open the trunk, -What? Why?
Just open the trunk!
Fortunately I keep my gym shoes in the trunk,
Enjoy the walk,
Try not to be killed,
Shit,
-Hello, -Anna?
Sorry, I know it's late, but I,,,
Where I am?
I'm a few blocks from a movie theater,
All good, Stay where you are, I'll be there,
Did you ask for a car, ma'am?
Yes, I asked,
Thanks for coming,
No problem,
He was awake,
Do you want me to take you home?
I don't even know what a home is,
I live in a big house, but it doesn't look like a home,
I live in a small apartment with plumbing problems,
It is also not really a home,
Do you want to see it?
Let's go,
-Let me open the door for you, -What a gentleman,
No, he has to open the door in a correct way or she falls,
That way,
Thank you,
It's okay,
We are fine,
All good,
Are you going to make the bet or will it stay there all night?
I'm thinking,
Well, I'm going to tell you now: I think I should give up,
You seem very confident to me,
Yes I am,
Well, I think you're lying, That's why I'm not going to listen to you,
I knew,
I'm going to bet those ten or more chips,
Good?
Good,
Number one: you're crazy
and I'm going to double the bet, because you must not have good cards,
No,
Aces high!
Winning chips is much tastier than regular chips,
I think I'll have to eat chicken broth tonight,
Poor,
Here it is,
I don't need your charity,
That is very good,
Are you really going wrong?
I'm not kidding,
I mean, I'm fine, I manage to feed myself, you know?
I have an internet connection, a
dishwasher, and the password for HBO Go,
I'm doing fine,
Well, I mean, if I need money,,,
No,
-What? -No, Keep that,
What? I have more and I don't
know what to do with it most of the time,
All good,
I mean, isn't it every woman's dream to
find a rich man and not worry about money?
You are being silly,
The longer I live here, the more I understand that I was bought,
Bill needed a wife
because that would
appear stable and eligible, Which is hilarious,
I thought I was falling in love with him,
But now I'm just a pet and that sucks,
Why did you call me?
Because he needed transportation,
He could have called a Lyft or an Uber,
I think you just wanted to see me,
Maybe I wanted to, but maybe he wanted to see me,
Well, I was sad when Bill left me
tonight and when I see you, I feel happy,
You also make me happy,
Well, don't fall asleep,
I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes,
Do not sleep,
I'm just resting my eyes
Okay, all right, we're just resting our eyes,
-Great, -All good,
Thank you,
She - came home, -Hello,
He was worried,
He was?
No,
Thought I'd call an Uber,
I thought at least that he would come home,
Well, I have decided to stay in a hotel,
You did that?
Yes,
Was it alone?
Yes, Bill, Jesus!
What are you accusing me of?
You're welcome,
You know
We spent a fortune on those cooking classes for you,
Why don't we have dinner at home tonight?
Make some Russian food,
You hate Russian food,
Just don't make borscht soup,
Borscht soup is not the only thing we eat in Russia,
I've already heard you speaking very badly of borscht,
It is a delicious soup,
But yes, I can do something else,
Great,
It is decided then,
You can only be joking with me,
Married?
A married woman?
That is good, because if she is married then you
don't need to worry about marrying her, Great!
Yes, it was what I originally thought,
Are you really going to do anything?
I'm doing something,
I'm watching,
I'm watching you work,
You know that watching you cook
is like watching Da Vinci painting,
And looking at you not working is annoying,
And if we get paid the same amount, I could
at least do half the amount of work I do,
Stir the soup,
Stirring the soup,
But going back to the delicious
Russian immigrant, he would be her lover,
Wouldn't she be my lover?
I think you guys are lovers of each other,
It's like a lover's coverlet,
How are we still friends?
Because we are in a symbiotic relationship,
-You teach me to be a cook,,, -Chef kitchen,
Does not matter,
You teach me how to be a chef and I teach
you the definitions of words like "lover",
Anyway,
delicious russian lady
is rich,
I don't care about money,
Everyone cares about money,
It's easier to say no, especially when you don't have it,
I don't really care about money,
Did she already buy you something?
Stop talking,
-Soup, -Yes, soup, Does not matter,
Shut up, watch, I know what time it is,
It's been half an hour and my husband sucks,
He's cool, huh?
What?
I said the party is great, right?
I can not hear you,
Totally!
Hey, I can't hear you there,
Why do you like to be near the speakers?
Let me share a few secrets,
You go where the noise is,
It is there that all the girls like to dance,
It's like the epicenter of dancers,
Dude, you know that seems scientific and perverted at the same time?
Good,
-We can go? -Wait! No! We've just arrived,
Yes, and it is instantly terrible,
Good, Let's have a few drinks first,
You buy two drinks for twelve dollars, and pay eight for the third,
You can't tell me that's not an agreement, can you?
I suppose,
She repeat with me:
-an agreement, -An agreement,
Jack and Coca-Cola,
Hold the Coca-Cola,
Olive vodka, thank you,
Vodka?
Do not start,
You're still thinking about the girl, right?
I mean, I can understand that a married woman wants
to compromise her marriage just to sleep with you,
-Even using crazy decorations, on purpose, "Should that make me feel better?"
What I'm trying to tell you is don't worry,
Do you think she's worried about you now?
I'm sure she's eating caviar and
planning her next trip to Hawaii,
I'd bet she's having fun,
Poor dog,
He has one eye and he has no home,
He should have one more or both,
Poor little cat,
HOW TO OPEN A LOCK
Do you think your husband is cheating on you?
Hiding things inside a drawer, locked in his table?
Well, you came to the right place,
He can break the lock with a mallet, but
I'm going to show you how to open a lock
with a single paper clip,
That is so specific to my situation,
MY FEET CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MOVEMENT OF YOUR LOVE -MEGAN
KISS MY FEET
I was to graduate in law
And then I understood that our justice system is totally broken
And who is going to fix that?
-I'm not going, -Good,
I was like this: Ava,,,
Because sometimes I talk to myself,
So, are you a cook?
Well, I'm a chef,
What is the difference?
Calling myself head chef makes me feel better about myself,
That's fair,
I was like this: "Ava, what do you like?"
Movies, that is,
So now I'm in film school,
-I love movies, -What? Seriously?
-Yes, -God, I can't believe,
-Yes, -Seriously?
I don't know how many more times I can say "yes" to this question,
I'm bored,
Good, sorry,
I am not good at communication,
I'm just trying to be a partner to my friend
-and trying to accompany that other thing,,, -No,
I mean, I'm bored of this place,
Do you want to get out of here?
Sorry?
Do you want to go home with me?
What?
Go home with me,
I think I have to go,
I have to go, It was nice meeting you, it was great,
Ava, it was nice meeting you,
-Trent, I have to go, -Wait,
I have to go,
What happens?
I'm drunk,
Yes me too, Which is great,
-No, -Yes,
I have to go,
That is very annoying of you,
I know,
-So? -I knew you would understand,
-No, I don't,,, -You got it,
-No, I don't,,, -Dude, you understand,
So ladies
where were we?
That is interesting,
What?
Did you know that it is illegal to use the term zoot in Los Angeles County?
What does it have to do with my green card?
Nothing,
Sorry, all good,
Let me see your case,
Here is the agreement,
You arrived,,,
You came here on a K1 girlfriend visa,
when you got engaged to your husband,
You got married, so your
status is good at the moment,
-Except,,, -Except what?
Except she can't get divorced and live in America,
She has to stay married to Bill for at least
three years before she can get divorced,
and receive the green card,
So am I going to have to go back to Russia?
I don't know if he needs to go back to Russia,
But she can't stay here,
-That's so unfair, -I agree,
I believe that early divorce is the
most American thing anyone could do,
But that is not the law,
So what should I do?
I think it will have to wait,
-Wait? -Yes,
Three years?
No, you have been married for almost six months,
then it will be more than two and a half years,
Things could be worse, right?
You'll be fine?
Yes,
Great, because I've scheduled another appointment in five minutes,
I need it to come out, Let's go,
-Are you talking seriously? -Yes,
Come see me in a few years and I'm going to make a lot
of money for you, something like half of what he has,
And if he has a son until then,
we will even get alimony,
He will never have to worry about money again,
I don't pretend to have children,
Yes, most parents don't too,
Goodbye,
He raises his head,
Stop playing,
Where is the telephone?
Hello?
Hello Mario,
Yes, I can take your turn tonight,
What time will it be?
See you later,
Indeed, a good talk,,,
That guy says how things really are,
He is terrible,
He is my role model,
I don't understand why we have to have dinner with Gary?
It's not just Gary, It's Gary and his new wife,
Who would be stupid enough to marry Gary?
Russian girlfriend on the Internet, just like you, my dear,
Just like me?
There are 140 million people in
Russia and we are not all the same,
I'm just saying they're both Russian,
You guys will probably get along very well,
Just because someone is Russian does not mean that
we will automatically spend one of the others,
Of course yes,
They can talk about borscht soup, Putin and shit,
If I told you:
"Bill, meet my friend Chad,
He is also American, "
Would that be madness?
That would sound very stupid, don't you think?
Look, I don't want to fight,
I just want to eat lobster and get a little drunk,
I want to get very drunk,
You will have to continue explaining to me, because I will never understand,
Where did they meet?
I was sitting, thinking about what I was missing,
-Yes, -And then that affected me,
Did she have a massage device?
No,
Bill, it was love,
Yes, as I said, I remembered about you,
Then I registered on a Russian bridal site,
And then I met her,
I was the cover model for the home page that week,
Yes, and there she was,
And before she knew it, we were texting,
I mean, she cost me $ 20 per message,
But you can't put a price on love
I bet my account might disagree with this estimate,
He was so cute, big as a bear
and shy as a rabbit,
And I fell in love,
Now I don't need to buy fancy things to feel good,
Now he buys them for me,
Show them that bracelet I gave you,
-She is so beautiful, Very cute, -Great,
-Congratulations, -Thank you,
Did she use to be a model in Russia?
Yes, sometimes in Russia,
But now I'm a model just for Gary,
Model, right?
This here she was an actress,
The movie business, I just don't understand,
Well, you used to be a producer, right?
I have financed some movies, but have lost thousands of dollars,
I will never do that again,
I keep investing in the stock market,
It is much more lucrative,
Congratulations Gary,
Thank you,
Health,
-Health, -Health,
I am also trying to learn Russian,
I want to be able to speak the language of my love,
And I am having English classes,
You don't need to do that, Gary,
The more she learns to speak, the more she can respond to you,
Finding her in that place was the
best thing that ever happened to me,
I think we must have used different sites,
Sometimes I wish mine had a return policy,
What?
I'm just kidding,
Are you ready to order your tickets?
Yes, I am as hungry as a horse,
Ladies first,
Well, I can't decide if I want the steak or the lobster,
Why doesn't she just ask for both?
You pamper me so much,
I think I'm going to ask,,,
Shit,
I want the crab,
-I mean, I want the crab, -Excellent,
I want the steak, the lobster
-I go to the bathroom, -And the crab too,
-What are you doing here? -I work here,
What happened to your job as head chef at Mendoza's?
That's called having two jobs, Lots of people do that,
Why didn't someone else attend my table?
Because you are in my section,
What else could I do, Go to Rodrigo and say:
"Rodrigo, could you attend my table?
I mean, I would do that, but I'm trying to
get away from one of the women at the table,
because she is married to one of those guys, "
Okay, enough,
You weren't lying, Your husband is an idiot,
Do not make me speak,
That is so weird,
No,
Everything will be fine, Everything will be fine, okay?
Just pretend you don't know me, okay?
I mean, you really hardly recognized me,
What? That is not fair,
Yes, but do you want to know?
Many things in life are not fair,
What do you do?
No! You can not do that,
He can't just show up here, make me jealous and look like this,,,
Nerd! Not here! Isn't that illegal or something?
Come, Come here,
I can't decide who is taking longer, Anna or the damn waiter,
Look at that, my drink is almost over,
I'll go get Anna,
You really did well, my friend,
Anna?
Shit!
I'm already dating, Vladlena,
-Do you sleep with boys? -What?
No, he was just helping me with that,
She clogged the toilet,
-What? -No, that's disgusting,
All good, I also sleep with boys,
Isn't America great?
Are you cheating on Gary?
Yes all the time,
But you guys seem so happy,
I'm happy,
He gives me beautiful things and I have sex with handsome men,
She seems like a version of him who agrees with the whole situation,
She just has worse English,
We can do three!
-What? -Three!
I wasn't expecting for that, but I think maybe we can,,,
-We are not going to have sex in three, -We can,
Why don't you have fun, Anna?
Anna, why don't you have fun?
Shut up!
Find me another boy friend, as cute as he is, okay?
Yes, I can do that, Of course,
He needs to go back to the table,
You too, sexy waiter,
We are out of drinks,
Yeah, our relationship just soared
to a whole new level of fucking,
It took you a long time,
Did you fall or something?
Did I fall?
Dear if you only knew
I fell?
Well let me tell the truth
You are always so impatient, love
Take your time
Do not worry, Or rush your pretty mind
Darling I can't wait any more
You make me feel so blessed
I fell?
Yes
For love
There is nothing that I can do
I fell? I fell?
Yes i fell in love
For you
The lobster was an excellent idea,
Looks like the Hendersons got a new outfielder,
They must have let Alejandro go,
It's a shame, He did a good job,
That guy doesn't seem to know what he's doing,
He's just getting wet,
Look at that guy, what an idiot,
No,
No what?
Why should I care about the neighbor's gardener?
Although we also need a gardener,
Okay, I'm going to talk to that guy and see what value he charges,
-You don't need to do that, -It's okay,
Sometimes you are difficult to understand,
Shit, I have to go,
See you later,
-I love you, -Goodbye,
I do not love you,
Jesus,
Ai! Ms!
-What? -Invasive! Invasive!
-He's not an invader, -Invasive!
No, he is an invader, He is Matt,
Jesus,
What the hell are you doing here?
Watering flowers and taking some garden supplies,
If Bill sees you,,,
No, he already left,
-I can enter? -No, you're wet,
And that? He offer me dry clothes,
You are crazy?
Maybe, But I make you smile, right?
I don't know what you make me feel
Hi, I'm Matt,
You must be Martha,
Yes,
Fantastic,
-Anna? -Shit,
Hello Anna,
Listen, I really don't care if you borrow my hose
but I would appreciate if you would ask me first next time,
It was an accident,
My gardener, she got confused,
This is my new gardener, Jacque,
-Jacque? -Shut up,
-I apologize, -All good,
Remember to roll it up when finished, thank you,
Nice to meet you, Jacque,
He only speaks Portuguese,
What? Wait a minute,
His name is Jacque and he only speaks Portuguese?
Yes,
It's okay,
Have a good day,
-I do not speak Portuguese, -Shut up, come home
-and pretend to be a gardener, -I would pretend to be his employee,
but he already has one,
Martha, I'm going upstairs with my friend,
We are going to chat and he can dust the house,
-Ms? -Dust off, okay?
Yes, dust off,
Mrs, Williams, I have to finish watering the flowers,
Stop interpreting,
-I like being the sexy gardener, -Just be sexy,
I am sexy all the time,
Shut up,
I can do that, I can shut my mouth,
I can go months without speaking if I wanted to,
Mrs, Anna!
I'm busy,
It's Mr, Bill,
He came back!
-Shit! -Everything is alright, I am not afraid of him,
Sure you don't,
You are 30 years younger and he has heart problems,
Martha, stop Mr, Bill!
-What? -Yes,
Entertain him,
Stop Mr, Bill, Entertain him,
Entertain him so he doesn't go up now,
It's okay,
Martha! Wow, Martha,
Mr, Bill,
How did you not realize that I was trying to open the door?
Where are my pants?
-Where are my pants? -I dont know,
I think if I jump in the direction of those bushes,
I may not die
Maybe,
-I'm sorry, Mr, Bill, -Stop calling me Mr, Bill,
Never mind, I spilled coffee on my sack,
All good, I remove the stain with soda,
-Come with me, -No! It is you who will remove the stain,
I'm going to get a new coat,
It's okay,
-Mr, Bill? -Why are you screaming,
if i'm right here?
God, those immigrants!
Good,
Is that what you do all day: do you walk around the house in your underwear?
No, I thought it was hot in here,
So what brought you back?
I spilled coffee in my sack,
I came to find a new one,
Let me search for you,
-You don't know which one I want, -But I know which one looks good on you,
-That's my favorite jacket, -I know,
You know, I can be late for work,
What is ten more minutes late?
I think not,
I have a headache,
It seemed fine two seconds ago,
Yes, but she comes and goes,
-It's okay, -Yes,
Good,
I think I'll see you later,
Put on some more clothes,
I disagree with Bill,
I think you should be wearing less clothes,
Possibly even without clothes,
God,
Yes,
God,
I never had a husband who almost found me hiding in the bathtub,
And then he doesn't find me in the bathtub,
So he leaves and I have sex with the woman I love,
Sex,
You love Me?
No,
I was making a joke,
-So you do not love me? -No,
Good,
I mean, I don't love you,
My English is not the best, but
that sentence is really confusing,
Well, I mean,,,
I love you,
Seriously?
Yes,
How much?
Show me with your hands,
All that,
You love Me?
Maybe,
Maybe?
Maybe,
Probably,
Yes,
Good,
How much do you love me?
All that,
So stay with me,
It's complicated,
Dude, I have to do that,
-What has that girl got, friend? -I dont know,
I mean, originally it was just sex and now I can't,,,
I can't get it out of my head,
You can't seem to get her out of your head
Did she know
How is your penis?
Does not matter,
I mean, buddy,,, I'm going to make enough money
to make a difference in her life, you know?
She still won't come close to what that guy can do,
Table five, Also, if she really loves you,
she would have left her husband by now,
-It's complicated, -It's always complicated,
It is true, If she leaves him, she can be deported,
What friend?
There are many girls out there with less problems,
Why don't we go to the club tonight?
We relax, have a few drinks and see what's out there,
Trent loves you,
I smell burning,
That's nothing,
Are you sure? Because my hair,,,
Hair almost never catches fire,
Fire, no, I would just ask if,,,
Don't worry about it,
-But I,,, -I do that a long time ago
and that happens,
three, maybe seven or eight times,
It almost never happens,
Can I ask you something?
Of course,
Are you married?
Yes,
Are you happy?
When we got married,
he was one of the ugliest men
I've ever met and he had five dollars,
And now he's still ugly, a little fatter,
and he has $ 30,000 in debt,
If I wasn't happy, I wouldn't stay married to him,
That seems cool,
At least one part,
It won't be so good if his hair is burned out and I lose my job,
So, let's get you off that thing,
Yes, we will do that,
Martha?
Yes, Mr, Bill?
Do you know where that stocking came from?
I do not know,
Isn't it one of yours?
I'd rather be dead than wear a non-branded sock,
That's not mine, so whose is it?
I do not know, I've never seen that stocking before,
Good,
thanks for nothing,
I really liked these rings,
They stayed very good on you,
They stayed, didn't they?
Yes, they were cute,
I can't decide which one to buy,
I thought both of them were good,
Well, why don't I buy both?
Yes of course,
Ma'am, it says here that his card was declined,
That is a platinum card,
With the credit limit on this card, I could buy a car,
Please try again,
Clear,
Don't have another card?
Yes of course,
Thank you,
It must be the magnetic strip on this card,
-Yes, sometimes that happens, -Yes,
Sorry,
But this one is also not working,
Thats weird,
-I think I'll come back tomorrow, -It's okay,
Good, Thank you,
Ms?
I need those lap rings,
I'm sorry, Of course,
-I'll be back tomorrow to find them, -Of course,
I hate you,
Much!
What the hell, Bill!
Something bad?
My credit cards are not working,
Why are my credit cards not working?
Your credit cards?
They are not your credit cards,
They may even have your name on them,
But I control the account because the money is mine,
Bill, that's unfair,
Do you know what is unfair?
She is my wife fucking another man in my bed,
-I do not know what are you talking about, -You do not know?
I found that in our room,
And so?
She is not mine,
Do you remember every pair of stockings that she owns?
I doubt that,
I don't remember every pair of socks, but she's not mine,
I don't buy cheap stockings,
What if I had betrayed you?
Do you think I don't know what you do?
It's different for me,
Do you think you are better than me?
I don't think so, I know,
And I'll tell you why:
i will be the mayor
And I'm not going to fall for any of his bullshit,
I will not admit you go out there cheating on me,
Do you know how that can hurt the way my audience sees me?
Public?
I used to think that money only mattered,
Now you care about money and what a lot of strangers will think of you,
I don't care what the public thinks of me
since a sufficient number of them elect me mayor,
I could leave you,
Leave me?
You can pack your luggage, and leave for Russia right now,
Because that's exactly where the Immigration
and Naturalization Service will send you,
If that relationship ends,
It will be on my terms and not yours,
I really hope we can solve that,
Do you know what is ironic?
It's our day off and we're cooking,
Yes, cooking for yourself is different than cooking for other people,
Must be,
-Check the hen, -It's okay,
How long should that be on fire?
Never, Jesus Christ!
Shit!
So what do we learn?
I think everything is fine,
It's not like I tried to set fire to her,
Yes, and here we are,
Is nothing,
We are cooking chicken or trying to cook chicken,
What happened, Anna?
What happened?
Shit,
It is an honor to meet you,
I hear a lot about you, all the time,
Only good things,
Do you happen to have a friend?
We could do a double match,
I know a girl,
She knows a girl,
Matt?
We need to talk,
Isn't that what we are doing now?
I'm seriously,
It's okay,
Trent, can you give us a minute?
-Trent, -Good,
I'm going to take the hen for a breath,
Thank you,
She is hot,
Just like Anna, right?
-Thank you, -Sorry,
What happened?
Bill knows,
Bill know what?
He knows about us,
Did you say to him?
No, he found one of your stockings,
He found a mean,
It may be one of his stockings,
He doesn't buy socks in vibrant colors or cheap brands,
Well, that was painful,
-Matt, I'm being serious, -Yes, me too,
Those stockings are not cheap, They cost five dollars a pair,
Matt, it's over,
That is stupid,
-I think you're scared, - Afraid of what?
Oh you are comed to love me,
And loving me is going to break the rest of your life,
I don't love you, I never loved you,
You were just an adventure,
-I know you didn't mean that, -You were just an adventure,
And maybe the danger of being discovered made everything exciting
and fun, but we were discovered and it's time to say goodbye,
All good,
But I don't believe in you,
It doesn't matter what you believe in,
What happened?
Where is Anna going?
Does she want some chicken?
We jump headfirst into a fire
Holding hands, we burn
Taking blind steps with our denial
We went through the end Knowing that we would never go back
So let me sleep in her bed tonight
And if this is the last time
That her lips will touch mine
I won't fight in the morning
I won't break in the fall
There is nothing else to save
There are no more lights in this empty house
We are powerless
Powerless
I catch you,
OMG,
Good,
-I'm fine, -You're good?
You're good?
I may be a little sick,
You're not going to throw up in my car, okay?
No no no, I am sick of love,
-Well, you're drunk, -I am,
Okay, so don't throw up in my car,
If I do that, it will be through the window,
That is good,
THREE MONTHS LATER
The results of last night's elections finally came out,
And entrepreneur and rookie Bill Cunningham,,,
which, narrowly, did not lose to Jon Joyston,
With Cunningham's 51% victory, he is their new mayor,
And with me here, live, your new mayor,
-Mr Bill Cunningham, -Hello!
Thank you all!
We love you,
We managed!
It's a great moment for you, but it was nail biting,,,
We eat the nails until the end of the count,
-How does it feel? -We never had a doubt,
We crush the opposition,
We met our agenda and we have achieved!
Wonderful,
He's clearly in a good mood,
I noticed that his pretty wife is not here tonight,
She is out there, somewhere, Is she suggesting something?
A man with a sense of humor,
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr, Bill Cunningham,
The mayor is home!
Anna?
Hello, lady full of money,
In truth, she is miss now, And she has no more money,
I am poor now,
He seems very happy and has no money,
Just like me,
You may not believe that, but
I was already a millionaire too,
Seriously?
No, I'm just kidding,
He gave me a dollar and left,
Hi,
Matt is there?
He is in the bathroom, but he must come out at any moment,
Good,
He just wanted,,,
Where do you want to eat tonight? She was thinking of Russian food,
Wait, Do not go!
Wait,
-Where is he going? -Does not matter,
Can it slow down?
Why? I just met your girlfriend,
-She is beautiful, good for you, -Stop!
Why has she come here?
It was you who said that everything was fine, Let's go out with other people,
I said that? I don't remember saying,
Yes, but you have a very selective memory,
-Don't talk about my memory, -Anna, what do you want from me?
What the hell do you want from me?
You can't come to my apartment and then run away without saying anything,
It wasn't my plan, I just needed to see you,
You can not do that!
It was you who broke up with me, remember?
And I was happy to see her, even though she was married,
And she now she's gonna be mad at me
Why did she see a girl in my apartment?
Is not that, She had a plan,,,
She had things she wanted to tell you and I practiced how I was going to do that,
Are you going to give me a monologue?
Well basically I just needed to plan what to say
because I thought I would end up crying and that plan backfired,
That's because I ended up crying and couldn't say anything,
-Anna, she's my cousin, -Who?
Molly, the girl,
All good,
Now we can go in so he doesn't get arrested for indecent exposure?
Sorry to have come to your house, Sorry for marrying Bill,
And sorry for coming to the United States,
Don't apologize for that last thing, or
the first thing, And the middle one, well,
that really sucks,
But I am happy to have met you,
I'm happy you came,
RUSSIA ONE YEAR LATER
You better hurry or you will
end up running late for your show,
I have time,
I forgot to tell you, Trent called,
God, he didn't burn the restaurant, did he?
No, he said you need to hire more
staff, because they are overloaded,
If I had said a year ago that I
would own a coffee shop in Russia,,,
A successful coffee shop in Russia,
You know how much I love You?
Something like all that,
You know how much I love You?
How much?
SURPRISE! I COMMITTED - All that,