Funded by the MBB - Medienboard Berlin-Brandenburg
FFA - German Federal Film Board DFFF - German Federal Film Fund
Good evening! Sitting comfortably?
I hope you didn't scarf all the ice cream
and you left some for your friend otherwise you won't get any today,
Before the real story begins,
let's travel back in time
to the 90s,
The good old days of tape recorders,
tasteful tramp-stamps and massive blow-dried hairdos,
There's one now! That's Nurse Christa,
Hello baby Anabel, we'll get to you in a minute,
And there's Nurse Manuela, the one who's had an investment tip:
a friend of a friend's cousin
and her sister's sister-in-law and a friend of hers
sent a chain letter
instructing people to send money to anonymous recipients
so anonymous people send much more money back to you and then,
goodbye empty bank account!
How does it work again? Who transfers how much to whom?
How should I know? The point is it's anonymous,
That's the coolest! But why don't more people do it?
It would end poverty! - The letter says "everybody wins,"
Come on Nurse Christa, get it together,
Oh, just to lie on the beach and never have to work again!
I'll do it Manuela! - That's more like it!
BABY SCHLONZ BABY von SCHLACHT
BERLIN TODAY
BABY-SWAP SCANDAL! PROSECCO-NURSES TO BLAME
Get up Anabel, we have an appointment,
Yuck, a penis!
I gave you 1,000 euros to get up at 11 for once,
Now it's 12, - Trixi you're bleeding!
Calm down, It's my new vampire facelift from Dr Heidari,
Oh, God, I thought you'd quit facelifts after your butt cheeks went numb,
Only the left one, - But real people are happy too,
even with droopy tits and fat butts,
I wish I knew where you got that brashness from!
You do know this is a product of factory farming?
Everything's in it, Teeth, eyes, brain, That can't taste good,
Yes, it can, It tastes really nice,
As long as the customer likes it
and the food-production mafia and Google get rich,
There's no way Google made my liverwurst, - Oh, yeah,
They're all in it together, All of 'em,
This shampoo won't work, What I always do is
beat an egg and whip it together with mineral water,
It's great, see,
Forget about the shampoo,
I'd like to buy it anyway if I may, - No,
Save yourself the 79 pfennigs,
I'd like to see the manager,
Mom, you'll get in trouble again,
Sorry, Come on, I'll do it,
It's no problem, - Aura, I'll go grab lunch,
You're called Aura, like aura? - Yes,
Aura Indira Madonna, to be exact, You've met my mom,
I'm Ingo, - Hi,
Oh, wow, you drive a Porsche?
I've never been in anything like that, I'm just a little checkout girl,
Look, the princess is up!
Shut it, tassel toes!
Good morning, darling sister,
Hello,
Olivjeh Burberry-Devonshire, public relations,
Olivjeh with a "yeah!" - Anabel with "ah,"
Olivjeh is here to suggest a charity for our grand summer party
to donate to when we enter the fray,
Thanks Miss Trixi, I'll put it straight,
Illiterates and AIDS are already taken this summer,
They're always first to go,
That leaves male victims of domestic violence,
But they can be very aggressive,
I fancy something a little more fashionable,
What about those transgender kids?
Can we perhaps buy some breasts for a little boy?
That would be terribly moving!
Of course, one day transgender will overthrow AIDS, but we need a way in,
a strong personal backstory,
I'm always being asked if I used to be a man,
This is nuts, Let's take action instead of always donating money,
You just don't see the potential,
You and I, we two,
could be Germany's donation angels,
But imagine if we went into the slums and the ghettos
and just helped out, that'd be much better,
I do actually have something like that,
totally basic, teenage offenders,
I suggest a photo-op with gangster kids, then a locally-sourced
organic-vegan buffet!
Well, that sounds simply fantastic!
But these kids, they're just offenders?
Not in any way,,, handicapped?
It's my lawyer, It's probably about that damned stud-farm on Sylt, Hello?
Just ignore her,
We'll take handicapped criminals, anything to help,
What?
Pardon?
This is a prank call from a TV show, right?
Yes,,,
Yes, I have a daughter,
She's 25 years old,
Ciao, - Ciao,
That's the third Porsche-dork in ten days,
Did you break up with the cop? He was real nice,
I've always been with Yann and still am, You'd better not rat on me,
Hey girls! - Hi baby!
Why are you already here? Have you been here,,, the whole time?
No, why?
How's world peace? - Okay,
Come home, Mom's freaking out,
I was swapped?
We'll sue,
Our lawyers will tear their balls out and throw them to mangy street-dogs,
Great, and then? - We're not even related,
No,,, I'd have noticed, I,,, I love shopping,
I love spas and partying,
those are all signs that I belong here,
Quick question: are we going with
teenage offenders as our charity? - Yes,
And the food, local and vegan?
Enough!
You bet I'm your mother!
I changed your diapers and fed you and gave you my ideals,
I carried you around whenever you had a fever,
And I bought you your first bicycle,
You stole it, and we had to run from the cops,
It was a lovely bicycle,
It is bad enough that we have different dads,
At least we're all Buddhists,
Other families have it much worse,
where one's a Catholic or a Pegida supporter,
I'm taking the DNA test,
And you, too, We have to know,
Oh God! - We're out of cheese singles,
What's up? - Aura was swapped,
And now we're not a real family after all,
That sucks,
Hello Daddy,
Do you think I can still call you Daddy?
Now I'm pretty much just a stranger whose butt you sometimes used to wipe,
I don't even know where you are all this time,
Somewhere,
Near God or Allah, maybe,
Maybe you can influence the results of the DNA test when I do it,
Just give me a sign, okay?
If you don't want me to be your daughter
then simply,,,
do a back-flip and sing the national anthem,
Okay?
MATERNITY 99% UNLIKELY
Oh my God!
I'll get it!
Hello,
My daughter, There you are,
Come in,
Wow!
Where's the television?
Oh my God! Oh my God!
She's like Grandmama!
Come here my child, You're beautiful! Just beautiful!
Trixi was never that emotional in our entire childhood!
Come you two, say a proper hello to your sister,
Albrecht, - Hi, Aura,
Hello, - I,,,
I'm really happy to meet you all,
You look like a picture-book family, - It's always like a fairy tale here,
Yes, and now we'll start from scratch, all of us together,
You know that technically you're no longer my mother?
Details!
There's room for everyone! And now,
a little champers!
Real Champagne? Oh, wow!
Crazy! - Did you see that?
We both clap our hands!
Isn't genetic technology wild!
Come my darling, we'll go get you some lovely clothes,
She can have the bedroom next to mine, - Are you flirting? That's your sister!
Idiot, - I'll get the Champagne,
Yes!
It's so funny, me, little Anabel, born into all this,
Anabel von Schlacht,
I'm Anabel, you're someone else entirely,
I'm sorry, but,,, those are the facts,
Technically she's right,
Have you all gone nuts? You can't just switch everything around,
I have the most hilarious idea!
You can both use the name, Who says there can only be one?
Now let's drink to a happy family!
Cheers! - And we'll find a lovely room for you,
Hello? I don't even have a glass!
Well, this sucks,
Cheers ex-Daddy!
Okay,
Schlonz, Hello?
Sweetie? Is it you?
Do you want to come back? Hm?
You know,
in God's universe
we two are related anyway,
Nothing will change all that,
Isn't it wonderful?
If you don't want to say anything
let's do an "om" together,
What?
Oh shit, she's crazy,
I'm descended from a crazy,
There's no way I'm meeting her, but I don't have to, right?
I'll just stay here,
That's my grandfather? - No, your father,
Bolko von Schlacht, Age doesn't matter in industry and aristocracy,
That would unnecessarily reduce the pool of eligible suitors,
And now he's dead? - Oh, no,
He's been in a coma for ages, He had a couple strokes,
Aw, that was the day my first milk-tooth fell out,
I don't remember that at all,
There's all sorts in this box of slides, You know, Aura darling
your family history is full of tradition and very important people,
Crazy!
Yes, Aura, that's your lovely grandpa with his cool tennis buddy,
I'd think twice if I were you, You can still go,
Enough of that, He only visited once,
And he was a bloody bad loser,
Let's go, let's go! I don't want to see anyone empty-handed!
What's up with the Christmas decoration? Put that shit away, damn it!
For God's sake, I said this shitty poster should be on the right
when I'm facing this way,
What are you doing? This looks like a Christmas bakery!
Five minutes, people! Over there, over there!
Unbelievable!
Three minutes, ladies and gents!
Wonderful! The right flowers! Pink and white, We can do it after all!
I feel like it's a relief for them all that I don't belong,
You know they think I'm a loser anyway,
My useless mom still managed four husbands,
Yeah, because her doctor tucked her skin behind her ears,
She looks like a ferret in a wind tunnel,
Listen,
my new mom might be crazy, Not a single Google entry,
That's spooky!
My dogs have 13,000 entries, - I dunno,
I should at least go see where I'm from, right?
Find out why I am like I am,
No, You're Anabel, and that's a good thing,
Rawr! - Huh?
Oh my God, know who that is? - Who?
That's Ben Schwarz, - Ben Schwarz?
He invented all the internet ring tones, And a whole bunch of stuff,
He always wins "Founder of the Year," - He's got the ass of the year!
Hello stranger! Where you headed? Come here often?
We're so funny, - Hi,
Hi,
Did you take flirting at night-school?
Um, no,,,
It's just you're in our driveway,
Hi, I'm Anabel,
Hi, I'm Mäusi Hochstädter, of Hochstädter mall fame,
you probably know them,
Nice to meet you, Anabel,
I have to make a few calls but we'll see each other around,
Yeah, we were about to leave anyway,
Just when you said it,
It's just you said it first,
Let's go, - Maybe we'll grab a champers later?
Stop it, - What's wrong?
Oh God, now I looked back,
Ciao!
Good evening and welcome to our summer party,
Dear guests, health is our most precious possession,
And early screening can save lives, - That's last year's speech!
And breast cancer,,, - Trixi!!
,,,affects us all, - Psst! Trixi!
In three easy moves,,, - Trixi, stop!
Go up and stop her, - ,,,the female breast,,,
No!
,,,can be checked at home, Like so,
Trixi, don't do it,
Give me the damn speech,
Play some music!
Music!
One,,,
Good evening, let's hear it for the teens! -Applause!
We're all gathered here for a very special cause,
Because children are our future!
Bravo! - Yes!
Look at our socially deprived areas,
There, there are no hopeful prospects
only anger at the hopelessness
but also the hope that everyone should have a new, second life
and a second chance, That's exactly what I think!
So, let us change something here today!
Bravo! - Wonderful!
And for all of those
who don't know it yet, this wonderful,
exceptional young woman
is my lost daughter,
I can't imagine life without her any more,
Let's raise a toast
to Aura von,,,
No! To Anabel von Schlacht!
Super!
What? I didn't do anything! - Me neither Johnny, I'm just bored,
Hi,
Is Barbie moving in, or what? - Shut it,
Excuse me, You're lost aren't you?
No, Alles klar Herr Kommissar, I'm just here visiting my,,, mother,
You've run away from the clinic next door, haven't you?
I just told you, my mom lives here, - Aha,
You're just strolling in your bathrobe, with a overnight bag,
This is a joke, right? Bathrobe?
It's a designer pajama-jacket,
It's very nice, Who is your mom and where does she live?
The bell's over there,
I think, I've never been here,
You've never been to your mom's? - Yes! My mom is Carmen Schlonz,
I was swapped as a baby, so this is my first visit,
I did a DNA test, Up till then I was a rich heiress,
but now it'll all go to Aura Schlonz,
Anabel 2, Whatever, I don't give a fuck,
So, you see, I'm not crazy, got it?
Aura Schlonz? - Yes,
Are you sure? - Yes,
Yes, She's living with my ex-mom now,
Right,
Schlonz, right, There we have it, Who's the psycho now?
Hello? - Rosa, it's Yann,
Kowalski, Can you open up please?
Mommy! Hide the cannabis the police are here,
Wait!
Are we really going up?
This is an elevator, They tend to do that,
You okay? - Yes,
I'm guess I'm a little nervous, but I,,,
I'll breathe through it,
One,,, two,,,
three,,, four,,,
Five,
I don't want you to get the wrong idea,
Oh, yeah, what was that about then?
I have an under-active thyroid so,
I got really dizzy for a moment, I tipped forward for health reasons,
Okay, - I don't know why I'm justifying myself,
Exactly, Nothing happened, - "Nothing" isn't entirely correct either,
True, You stared at me,
This elevator is 3cm wide, I have to look at your weird face,
My weird face? - Yes, you have tiny ears, Much too small,
I don't, I,,, - Really tiny ears,
Totally crazy,
Thank you, Now I know,
It's about the Autonomous Animal Front, right?
Ah, no, Mrs Schlonz, It's,,,
This woman claims to be your daughter,
Hello, - There you are!
My child, my swapped one, Come here,
Oh, man,,,
You even came running in your bathrobe,
What's your name?
Anabel, - Welcome,
Come on in,
Last one in closes the door,
Now come and see who I've brought along with me,
Hi, - Hi, I'm Rosa,
named after the great socialist freedom-fighter Rosa Luxemburg,
And that's my brother Siddharta, - Call me Sid,
It's less embarrassing, - I'm Anabel,
And where is Aura?
She's with her super, new luxury family, You know how she is,
Cool, police,
Avoid the bathroom for 30-40 minutes if you have a sensitive nose,
Don't worry, he's not your dad, That's Gernot, our lodger,
Gernot, take a look at my daughter,
Hi, I'll just stay seated, I can't get too excited,
I'm a depressive early retiree, - That's nice,
To meet you, I mean, not the depression, - Yeah,
Look at us standing around like lost souls,
I'll be going, then, Have fun settling in,
Bye! - Oh, and,,,
I hope you don't mind, but we smoke pot,
They'll all have wrecked brain-cells,
And I thought my old family was nuts,
Hello, - You come home right now,
I am home, With my real mom if you must know,
It's great,
You don't even know this woman, - What can I say?
It was love at first sight, we're having a ball, Trixi,
I never had such a good time!
Coming! I'm on a call!
I wonder how much they'll love your 40,000 euro clothes bills,
They don't care about money, not like you,
You can't live without money,
You're worse than any Saudi prince, - I can do fine without you,
I don't need all your damned money,
Hear me cut up your damn credit cards! - Gather the bits up,
In exactly one week, you'll be here begging,
No, I'll look for a job,
With your junior-high education? - If you don't mind,
I'm off to spend time with the nicest, sweetest, funniest family in the world!
I'm so exhausted,
I'd like to go up and lie down, Upstairs?
The Öztürks live upstairs,
Right,
Good night, - I'm still reading, Good night!
Good night! - Night! -Good night!
Ah, that's nice,
Lights out? - Hm,
Carmen? - Yeah?
Who is my dad?
Do you know what Tantric sex is?
Group sex with tree-huggers, - No,
When I was young, I went to India,
There were always parties,
It was electric,
Sometimes,
you didn't quite know who was inside you,
Just give me a shove if I snore,
Anabella,
Anabella, please look,
What's that supposed to be? - I knew you'd be as scared as Rosa,
Oh no, - What?
Do I have to go to the fur-shop demo again?
Not if you don't want a fairer world, my child,
We already went to anti-globalization and female genital mutilation,
I'm allowed to miss this one,
But you're coming?
To those jerks Behringer Furs on Ku'damm, - No,
All my friends shop there, we're regulars,
Are we going now? My happy pills only last four hours,
Wait up, my car!
My car was right here yesterday,
Oh my God, that's the last thing I have from dad,
Hey, are you crazy, that's mine!
Oh great, that was my breakfast, - I don't give a shit,
You owe me a euro, - Who stole my car?
Mornin' Ralf, need something in your belly?
Breakfast beer is the most important of the day,
I'll get it, Anabel, got a euro?
Yann! Hello!
Police! We need someone competent!
I can't hear you, I have tiny ears!
So, on the hood, a pink diamanté cannabis leaf,
Doors: pink cannabis leaves,
Diamanté, Tasteful,
Plus nine Louis Voey-ton travel bags,
And the license plate?
No idea, But it's called Mr, Norris!
Mr Norris? Perhaps he'll call us,
Perhaps the plate is "SEXY" without the E,
Or "LADY" without the A, or just "BITCH,"
Like with most pink-car-chicks,
The diamanté isn't pink it's baby-rose,
It's ironic, I'm not some dumb airhead,
I get it, My job's ironic too, I'm really Superman,
Oh, right, you're saying I talk in dumb clichés,
But I've got both feet on the ground, More than you,
Okay,,,
How much is a pack of butter? - Um,,, that depends,
Four,,, ninety-nine,
Truffle-butter costs ten more, - What are gross and net?
Those are definitely wages,
Gross is for bosses, net for employees,
it's less and they are definitely different currencies,
Name the Kardashians, - Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kendall, Kylie,
Right? - No idea, You fit the cliché 100%,
Funny,
I hope the police will find my car,
but I doubt it, 'cause some cops would rather be smart-asses,
I have to go, I'm busy looking for a job, - Ooh!
Is it a make-up tutorial on YouTube? - No,
I have several inter,,, views,
With very big companies, - Okay, only,,,
if these global corporations turn out to be an illusion,
just try the temping agency
next door, - Thanks for the tip,
Good luck!
An unpaid internship? Is that supposed to be a joke?
What do you mean "high-school diploma"? A chimp could do this,
I don't mean you!
No, no that came out all wrong,
Kids excite me, but not sexually! That's illegal,
And even if it wasn't I wouldn't,
Hi there!
I'm Anabel,
Hello, I'm Simone Fubel,
I'm so excited, My first interview, Wish me luck!
May I offer you a little schnapps to calm your nerves?
Yes! Please!
Do you have an ashtray? - It's a no-smoking office,
Okay,
Cheers,
That's better, - Tell me something about your career,
I went to Salem Castle boarding school but before that I went to Eton,
That was super-hard, Then Switzerland,,, - You went to such good schools?
Yeah, I got kicked out of Eton real fast, - Why?
Oh, yes, it was,,,
,,,dumb, We borrowed the polo ponies and rode them into town,
We got a bit drunk and suddenly the village bar blew up,
On the whole I hate hierarchies, I despise being told what to do,
What was your last job? - Well,,, up until now,,,
actually, none, But I'm so into it,
I mean, I'm almost 26,
I think I can take the leap and get a job,
Yes, well,,,
Thank you for the interview,
it was very interesting to meet you, - No way, that's it?
That went well, didn't it? I'm so relieved,
We'll be in touch, - When? Do I have a job now?
I'd say that the chances of you getting a job
are about as good as my chances of having group-sex with George Clooney,
INCOMING CALL YANN
Fuck,
SORRY LOST MY VOICE! COUGH!
Yuck, I definitely need ketchup with that,
This is so lovely!
Oh, honeybuns!
This is the best day of my life, Look!
Right on the cover, The two of us,
"Germany's Donation Angels," My God,
How long have I dreamed of this? - Your tennis club magazine?
Who shall we help next?
Dolphins! - Yes!
Or,,, what do you call them,,,?
Refugees! - Yes!
Let's go shopping, it always helps me think,
That's a fabulous idea,
Hello? - It's Yann, What shop did your mom go to?
Can we put the siren on? Please, my day sucked,
No, - Okay, Can I drive?
I promise not to break anything,
Who is she again? - Dunno, She escaped from the nut house,
MURDERERS
FUR IS MURDER
Hear our cries! Feel our pain!
I don't see what all the fuss is about, I mean,,,
the mink is a farm animal, isn't it?
Naturellement! The mink gives us its cuddly fur,
Yes! Yes,,,
Oh, God!
FUR IS MURDER
Everyone step back now! - Hear our cries! Feel our pain!
Beautiful!
Just like me when I was flat-chested,
Should I have them done? - Darling, it's dead simple,
those with money also have breasts,
Hear our cries! Feel our pain!
Daughter's being spoiled today, I hope the other daughter,
Anabel? Won't be jealous, - Um, Anabel,,,
No, she's on vacation,
Indefinitely, - Great! The Maldives again?
No,
I have to say it, Anabel has run away,
Just like that, as if we never existed,
But there's more, She never even was my daughter,
Isn't that totally amusing?
She's just a group of lousy genes with lousy character,
And I'm delighted she's gone,
Please bring me the white mink with bobbles, - At once, Susi!
White bobble mink, now!
Damn, I wanted to buy that! - Hey, fox!
Fox, stop! Fox, you asshole!
Not so fast, let's see what idiot this is,
It just came over me, - What are you doing?
I do you a favor and bring you to meet your mom and you pull this shit?
I'm having a hard time, does that count? - Oh, really, I'm so sorry,
Thanks, - Of course not,
To the station! - Like a criminal?
Yes, a criminal!
I'm innocent! I've done nothing!
Anabel,,,
Criminal damage, A totaled Ferrari,
Drunk driving, Growing hemp on public property,
Civil disorder,
You're shocked now, eh?
Sometimes I gotta stick it to this fat consumer society,
That's not your file, Mrs Schlonz, it's Anabel's,
And of course "prostitution," What? - It was a bet,
And me?
I'm wanted,
Because of the Autonomous Animal Front,
Not to be confused with Eco Front 2000, they're idiots,
Eco-wimps,
You're not in here, And the fur-store case
will probably be dropped because it's so minor, so no worries,
Yes! - I don't mean you,
There's really nothing about me in there?
Isn't that great?
Great,,,
You fight for decades for a better world,,,
and the world's wearing earphones
with noise reduction, Excuse me, I,,,
I feel kind of dizzy,
Take a break,
Let's get chocolate from the machine, you like that,
Oh, God, those two are so sweet somehow,
She's really upset, - I feel bad for them, too,
How good are you at lying? - Good,
Frau Schlonz, you're under arrest,
We found the file, How did you hide so long?
Oh my God, Carmen, you're under arrest!
Arrest me, You can't stop me thinking!
You're a dangerous radical! I'll see to it you're put behind bars,
See you in an hour for questions,
What sort of cell was that? - Our cleaning room,
I'll leave her there and go get her in an hour when my shift ends anyway,
What will you tell her?
I'll say that she has powerful friends in the animal protection scene
and we had to drop all charges,
But seriously,
the fur-store called,
They're going to press charges for 20,000 euros in damages,
What? 20,000 euros?
How can I pay? I'm broke, - Right, but they'll get it somehow,
They might even garnish your mom's wages,
Oh, shit, they'll be finished,
Oh, fuck, I didn't want this,
I'll think of something,
Shit,
Get out, stain!
Here, these are my nicest things,
This is romantic, - Wow!
Or cool, - Very cool,
Very chic, Isn't this lovely?
Know something, Rosa?
You're really cool, You're the coolest girl I know,
Where are you going?
To pick up Porsche-dorks like Aura?
Hi!
Oh,
That's all I got,
20 euros is too much for this hit-parade brothel,
Hi girls! - Sweet T-shirt,
Hi darling, - Hi,
Hello darling!
I thought you'd gone,
to those,,, those,,, people, - I missed you all!
Is that a kids' T-shirt? - No,
Okay, yes,
You're so crazy,
Oh, fuck,
Bennie took my credit card to snort coke,
Can you just pay for this?
No, You're poor now, - Yes,
It's okay, I'll drink tap-water,
That shit always falls out,
Mäusi, I have an important question,,, - Keep the change,
Your father has those malls, - Yes,
Can I perhaps,,, work for him?
Mäusi, - Yes?
I need a job urgently, Anything, - Yes,
Talk to Minzi, Minzi!
Our party animal needs a job from you,
Can you help me get on my feet? I need a job, Anything,
You are so funny, Really,
Is your top really from a dime-store?
Lili?
Thanks,
Anabel!
Hey, I, um,,, I heard right now you're having,,,
some kind of a bad run?
Did you come to be mean, too? Go ahead, join the club,
Sure, I'm mostly mean to people,
You want a job or not?
What, really? Working for you?
Crazy! I'll do any,,,
First you have to come for an interview and get a good assessment,
It was nice to see you, - Ciao,
What kind of job? Don't mess me around, okay?
Whoa there,
What? - Two euros, Hat check,
You're welcome,
Hello, Daddy,
Did you miss me?
Do you still remember
how you always used to say I'm the cleverest girl in the world?
And I can do anything,
I don't think that's true, Daddy,
In reality, I can't do anything,
I'm glad you're not here to see it,
Want a drag?
Sorry, go ahead,
Where were my manners?
Does this Botox Bubonic plague wear off or will it stay like this forever?
Hello? What's wrong with you?
I was just thinking about how Anabel and I
always criticized each other,
It's making me feel strange,
My therapist says it's sadness,
But I think it's because my pill bottle is empty,
That's probably Dr Heidari with the opiates,
Did you order yourself a stripper?
What are you doing here?
Are you really wearing a crown? - A diadem, it's the family's,
I brought you cough syrup, but you don't need it, do you?
Is there Codeine in it? If so, I'll take it!
Thank you, - Um, Yann,,,
I was going to call you
and visit you, but,,,
But you didn't want to? - No, no,,,
It's gotten complicated because, I mean,
I'm way better off now
and it's not that I can't be with a cop, but
of course we belong to two different classes,
but you were always there for me
even back in school and that matters, - Okay, stop that,
Call me when you're back to normal,
Stoiber, where's the robber?
This is terrible, You couldn't know,
but when you're rich it's also a burden, Would you be so kind?
Go and see which robber has honored us this time,
Keep it, I get your tax-money, I'll go look,
Stoiber,,, taxes?
Ssh!
It was just an open window, I'm taking off,
Down, Motion sensor,
Oh, my God, are there drugs in this? I don't use drugs,
Relax, it's personal use, - Thanks for not ratting on me,
I've caught the robber now, - Do I have to go to jail?
I don't know, maybe,,,
we can come to an agreement,
Asshole!
Seriously? Your girlfriend?
Acting horny, for that?
I'm not horny,
Maybe you are, I get that,
It was a joke,
A ride home would be a good apology,
Now you're playing dictator?
Oh, too bad, I think the last bus just left, It'll be a long walk,
Yes?
Okay, we can make her jealous,
I can't stand her anyway, But find my car,
Your car's stolen, I'm not a magician, - At least try, okay?
Deal, - Deal,
You know, next time just lift that knob, It's much easier,
About that job interview again,
at Benjamin Schwarz's firm, - Carmen!
I can help you prepare, - I'm showering!
Yeah, I know, If anyone's the expert, it's me,
I've been fired so often I'm always doing interviews,
She'd never fall for the schnapps!
True,
For the 100th time, she offered me the schnapps,
It's scientifically proven that 80% of likability is judged on the hello,
I always put on my most interested smile,
I don't like the idea of sucking-up,
It's only on the outside, yeah? I'm dead on the inside,
Shit,
I'm shit-scared, I'm underqualified and stupid,
All I did in school was smoke weed,
Oh, sweet-cakes, don't worry,
That's just your bipolar womb talking,
Our whole family has it, You'll manage,
So how's our little schnapps guzzler? - How could she know? She used to be rich,
That's Anabel's toothbrush,
Yeah? I've been using it ages,
Can't you all see I'm showering?
Yes, we're not blind,
Hurry up, I want in,
Mr Sackbrot?
Yes? - Pleased to meet you,
I'm Anabel Schlonz, here for my interview,
Feel free to ask me anything, I'm very driven,
Can you speak German?
I'm speaking to you now,
I need your tax ID, You know the pay isn't good?
Does that mean I have the job? - Yes,
Yes! Yes!
Cool!
When can I start?
Oh, God, I wasn't asleep, I was thinking,
Okay, I was asleep,
I hope you don't mind cleaning for me, I thought it was better than nothing,
One thing, I didn't know what to put in the dishwasher so I used shampoo,
See, everyjob has
management decisions,
You opened my forbidden cupboard,
I didn't know, Sorry, the door just came open,
I'm mega-discreet, I'll never talk about
what I saw, - No, never,
You're talking now,
Fuck,,,
Shit,
Am I fired? Please don't fire me,
I need 20,000 euros urgently, Or, at least, 20 for now,
Oh, well,,,
And were you shocked by what you saw?
No way, a few whips and nipple clamps,,,
I mean, who doesn't want to be well and truly fucked?
I'll give you another chance,
Come tomorrow and wash the windows,
If you do badly,,,
Sorry, it's just you looked so scared,
I couldn't resist,
I love you, too,
Oh my God, you found Mr Norris!
Did you call for the limousine, madam? - Yes, That was me,
Are you the chauffeur, sir? - That's me,
Want to go on a little after-work drive? - Sure!
That's what all cleaning ladies dream of, - Is that so?
What great service!
She's posted her location,
So we'll happen by, Right?
You might want to get dressed up, or it'll be hard to make her jealous,
You kidding me? This is all I got, Take it or leave it,
Cheers, girls!
They're still here,
Hello! - Hi, how are you?
Oh, darling!
There, - Thanks,
What are they doing here? - A bottle of Champagne please,
Are you nuts?
I'm being cheery,
It's working,
The Champagne and a beer,
Champagne?
Now take your billy club out of your butt and act like
I'm hilarious and she'll be here in under a minute,
That's so dumb! - Nonsense,
Oh, God, you stink, - You do too,
They seem crazy about each other, He's hot for a cop,
Are they kissing?
That's it!
Don't be nasty, you know I hate blood,
Oh, I like to see blood,
She's coming,
I am sorry,
No worries, You look good, - Hi, Aura,
This is what you've been up to? - We got a little distracted,
Right sweetie?
Sure,
Where are my manners? Want a drink? - No thanks, we're off to Hermes,
You probably mean Hermès,
Are they paying you to look like a billboard?
It's Channel, - Oh right,
And you, Anabel? I hear you've been begging forjobs, Embarrassing,
Oh, no, No jobs, My fiancée is too cute to work,
Oops, now it's out, - Fiancée?
Then your white-trash life is up and running,
Wedding, Tiny stinky house, Five ugly white-trash kids,
We'd only planned four ugly white-trash kids but we can do five,
Whatever, I have to go see the new Dolce Gabbana collection,
Ciao,
I have something wonderful! - What's going on now?
I had the best-loved family games delivered,
Okay, where shall we begin?
I suggest Twister or Battleship, they're not too hard,
Let's not kid ourselves, we're no Einsteins,
Albrecht!
I'm due an important business call, - You'll play Twister or I'll cut you off,
It's about the Sylt stud-farm,
I'm meant to inherit that, aren't I?
Don't you dare answer it, Albrecht,
Hello? Yes, that's right,
What? Have you lost your mind?
I'm not your fool,
I've been patient too long!
We're a family, but all you do
is sit eating truffles and caviar,
I had more fun in rehab!
Calm down!
I'm allowed a nice time
after 25 fucking years living on the bread-line
without my own bedroom and furs and all that,
A good mom would let me enjoy it,
She did get
the family charity on the tennis mag,
Family? Don't make me laugh! I've gone from one crazy to the next,
I'm definitely not crazy!
Just ask any of my therapists!
Kiss my ass, I'm moving to Sylt
to sit in the Sansibar, And I mean, on my own!
Yes, just go! Just go!
Sylt isn't even as nice as they say! - Calm down now Trixi!
Mother! You should call me Mother!
Fuck you, Albrecht!
Stop here, Schneider,
Would you like to get out, Mrs von Schlacht?
Hello!
The downstairs door was open, By chance,
I had business nearby and I thought I'd just pop in,
Here I am,
Beatrix von Schlacht, - Hello,
I'm Carmen, I'm the other mother,
Please, do sit down,
May I offer you a first-class homemade
cheese toastie?
Thanks, but I wear a size 2 to 4
you don't really think I eat bread? - Ahem, size 6 to 8,
If you don't eat we won't talk to you, - Okay,
Then I'll take it,
Oh, my God, is there butter on this?
I completely forgot how good it is,
This is how low-class people eat,
She's moaning at me, She always does that,
Moan-Abel!
That's pride, She gets it from me, - No, I don't think so,
That can't be inherited, It has more to do with how I raised her,
And as far as I know, science
would back me up,
I don't believe in science,
I believe in feelings
and love and the warmth of a healthy family,
You're so mean! You stole my money for your dumb cigarettes again,
Rosa-child, that was a test to see
how much you value capital,
I love you! - Yeah, yeah,
Little mouse, Her lobes haven't fused yet,
Well, the reason I'm here is
to make you and Anabel a lucrative offer,
I thought you were in the area?
Let's not kid ourselves,
This situation can't last,
You're already on the breadline,
But maybe
I can make saying goodbye a little bit easier?
You want to buy my daughter from me?
You think you can buy people?
Buy? Buy is nonsense, this here is just
a little gift, - Thanks, but no thanks,
I have a job now, I'm earning, - You?
Anabel has a very responsible
position with a magnate,
She basically keeps everything running clean,
If you don't mind, I have to be up early,
Of course,
I'm glad to have met you, madam,
Bye,
Er,,,
I don't get how you can look forward to math,
Oh, no, - What's up?
Don't talk to them, okay? - Hey, nerd, Where's the homework?
I told you I'm not doing it any more, It's unfair if I do your homework,
Pardon? I don't understand when you talk nerd,
Okay mini-gangster, if you talk to my sister again
I'll shove your fake Louboutins
so deep up your ass they'll come out earrings, got it?
I want to hear an apology, Go!
Sorry, - I didn't hear you all,
Sorry, - Sorry,
Thank you,
Did you sew this Chanel logo on?
It's the wrong way around,
Come on, sis,
Thanks, - Sure thing,
You said "sister",
And "ass"! - And I meant them both!
Ghetto fist? - Ghetto fist,
Come on, - Aura!
Hey sweetie, how are you?
Hi, - Hey, Pit Bull,
Yeah, it was necessary, - Anabel,
How's it going? You two back together? - You know the score, Fate,
I hope you don't mind, - We're going to be late,
See you, Coming Rosa? - Bye, little sis!
Bye,
MEN OF ACTION COME FROM ACTION
Thanks,
Hi,
Hey,
What's all this? - It's going to be, let's say,,,
a theme-party, - Hm,
Are other vampires coming or just us two? - Vampires?
No,
It'll be a little,,, different,
If I'm going to be hung from the ceiling and whipped, you should know
I'm totally chicken, - You seem tense,
But we'll change that, - Okay,
I love Andrea Bocelli's music,
You too? - Hm,,,
Is he the fat one or the one with hair implants?
Both are shit,
Excuse me a moment, - Sure,
No, fly him back, I don't care if he wants to sing,
Shove him back on the jet, She doesn't like him,
Sorry,
Say, is there anything to eat? I'm starving,
Cool, strawberries!
Is there any milk? Then I can have them with milk, Thanks,
Can you pass me the cream?
Thanks, Come on! Thank you,
They were meant to be for,,,
the champagne, and I wanted to feed you those,
and the cream,,,
Never mind, - I've not eaten a thing all day,
No worries,
Tell me,,,
do you know what a professional girlfriend is?
A hooker, - No, not a hooker,
I'll put it a different way, Men such as myself
haven't really got time for real love,
Most of the time I'm on an airplane, I have employees all over the world,
and I always have to keep my feelings under control,
Not that I can't fall in love,
But I'm no regular boyfriend, I don't attend birthdays,
I don't hold hands at the flea-market and I don't want to wake up with anyone,
Love means dissolving completely, giving yourself up entirely,
Helplessness is the most beautiful thing imaginable,
And I thought it was world peace,
Has cracking jokes and acting the rebel made you happy up until now?
Everything would be with your consent, We'd go slow, I'm patient,
We'd only meet when you want to,
You'd get an apartment, 20,000 euros allowance and any car you want,
I can't do it, - Look at what you're refusing first,
Try it,
Like a good businessman,
So, one poussin with algae-spaetzle and 100-year-old egg,
Can I get a younger egg?
You do use
knives and forks in your ghetto?
No, we bludgeon our dogs then rip them to shreds
with our bare hands, That's why so I'm thrilled
to be here, it's a fairy tale,
I told you this was Swabian-Japanese fusion,
Let yourself be educated,
The sweetbread California-roll,
with fresh-squeezed blood foam,
Enjoy! You do know what calf sweetbread is?
Yes, of course, it's,,,
cream, Really tasty,
No, it's what you don't have right now,
A cool boyfriend?
Brains,
What do you mean, brains? That's disgusting!
Stop making a scene, Do you know how hard it is to get a table here?
I'm sorry, Mäusi, I can eat the rest,
No worries, - Aura, seriously?
This is what you love about being rich? Eating moldy eggs for 54 euros,
and being told off by Miss Botox?
Congratulations, - I'm not Botoxed, you policeman,
Are you acting the rebel, like Anabel? That used to be embarrassing,
Probably because she's the only one of you with her own personality,
Hello cutie,
Care to join me for a Bellini?
Beat it Ingo, it's a bad time,
Ingo, it's a really good time, Sit down, -Yann!
Please, sit down,
Have fun, enjoy your fusion shit, You're the only ones who do,
Yann, if you leave now it's over, Once and for all!
Fuck, that hurts,
No, no, no, no, no!
You've got it wrong, I'm the one,
I want you to dominate me, I'm always being strong,
What are you wearing?
Pet me like a dog!
Okay,,,
I don't know,,,
feels like a warm ping-pong paddle,
It feels so good,
Oh, you're so strong Anabel, - Aha,
I want to be humiliated by you Anabel, Pee on me,
What?
You want me to go on you? Pee, or,,, - I know,
it sounds weird at first,
May I ask what you drank today?
Oh! L, A, Times zones and all that, May I take this?
Mistress? - Do you mean me?
Yeah, go for it,
Thank you, Mistress,
Mistress? - Los Angeles!
Benny, I don't know,,,
if I really like this,
I have no time to talk now,
It's chaos at work, I'll jet to L, A,, be back in two days and then we'll talk,
Ciao!
No, no, no, Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello,,,
Seriously?
Come on,,,
You awake?
Yann!
Upstairs!
Yann!
Oh, God!
I have to take a photo, - No, Very funny,
Come on, I broke in semi-illegally to save your life,
I have to have some fun, - Get these fucking things off now!
In a sec,
Forget it!
Why is there a plastic sheet? - No, no! We didn't do anything,
Okay, so I stroked his back, but it was harmless, Like with a bunny,
You look so hot, is that a,,,
butt plug?
Shall I put a filter on this before I post it?
You're an asshole, If you post that,,,
What I want to know is,,,
Does this really make you horny
or have you fallen for his money?
Oh, right, like your girlfriend is poor,
I bet that's a bonus, with your beat-cop Mickey Mouse wages,
Get her a plastic engagement ring, - I'm not with,,,
Trixi?
Sorry!
We thought he just had a cold but it's pneumonia,
Bolko?
I did have an affair with the tennis coach,
It wasn't just a rumor,
That's why my forehand never improved despite all those lessons,
I'm so sorry,
Seriously? The last thing he'll ever hear is
you banged the tennis coach?
I can't think of anything nicer, I'm under a lot of pressure here,
Don't be mad, she's emotionally crippled,
Daddy, what we really want to say is
we love you,
And we'll always remember
how great
and funny you are,
How you always sneaked chocolate under our pillows in secret,
How you turned your coat into a tipi for me,
And,,,
how you always said not to be scared, you'd protect us from the monsters,
You're the best thing that ever happened to us,
With you, I always knew where I belonged,
Fluxi,
Fluxi,,,
What? - Weenie?
Fluxi?
He said Fluxi,
Fluxi,
Our childhood sled! - Yes,
He's said goodbye,
He loved you both very much,
And I do, too,
In my own emotionally-poor way,
I don't know why, but somehow I'm really sad now, too,
And I'm sorry if I was an asshole to you guys,
Get over here, we're all one family now,
That's not my back any more, Albrecht! - Sorry,
I don't want you to go,
Can't I keep a sister for once?
You know I'd rather stay here,
You'll understand one day,
This is for school, Look after it, I loved it,
Thank you,
I have something for you, too, - For me?
It's your first milk-tooth, it fell out when you were riding,
You kept this?
The euro is belated, of course,
from the tooth-fairy,
I should have done it back then, you'd have loved it,
This is the best gift in the world Mommy,
I love this new way of being with all of these new emotions,
Anabel,
don't go,
He's not right for you, Stay here,
I'm going, This is best for us all,
This is for you, you'll need it,
What is it? - Please don't open it until I'm gone,
We have to stay strong, Trixi, - Yes,
A check for 20,000 euros, Did he pay for her?
Did she do that for us? - It's Yann! Finally!
Cool, the cops,
Ready for departure,
Couldn't you have asked her sooner? - Andi, I can't chat about love right now,
That's typical, eh? They're always too late,
Fuck! - But the first to write a ticket,
Okay, I'm going for a walk,
You'll love the house in L, A,
Why aren't they getting up?
We're coming too, Are you in the house in Malibu or the Hills?
The pool in the Hills is super-cool,
Say,,, are they hookers?
Probably, - Yeah,
I'm a travel agent, I'm only a hooker on the side,
I'm out, I thought I could be bought but I won't do you on a plastic sheet,
I have my pride! - Anabel, relax,
Relax? I want to go back home now,
to my family, - Anabel have some Champagne
and calm down, - I can't calm down I have bipolar-uterus!
Do you see that, or is it my pills?
I was wondering the same thing, - She's coming back!
No, that way, that way!
Okay!
What's that?
Wow! Do you want a job?
You know that's my car, right? - It handles really well,
Though it's an ugly color,
But it suits you somehow,
I thought I'd stay after all, - Yeah?
Can that guy whip you at home? - No, I've chosen a career instead,
I have a 20,000 euro debt, but hey,
I'll just have to pay it off, Get a cleaning job,
At ten euros an hour, it'll only take 35,000 years,
But I really want to build something up, - The modern woman,
Who knows? Maybe I'll join the police,
It looks like they'll take anyone,
Do you think you can really balance all three: cleaning, career and love?
Yeah, it'll be hard, but,,,
I think we can manage, I mean,,,
you're an idiot, I'm an idiot,
It fits,
And I love plastic rings,
You only ever,,,
talk,,, nonsense,
You erased the photos, right?
Why should I?
I'm not kidding, you can erase them,
What's it worth? Those photos mean a lot to me,
You're so cute holding a butt-plug,
I can't stand you, you know that? - Is that right?
Can I drive again now?
No way, - Just for a little while,
Forget it! - Aw!
But we're putting the siren on at least, - Nope,
Thank God! Another happy ending,
I was worried she was going to fly away with that idiot,
Well, although our nurses from the start of the story really messed up,
two totally crazy moms are better than one anyway,
How does that esoteric yoga-chick saying go? Oh, yes:
The journey is the destination,