(dramatic theme)
♪
TERRY: Korvo, where\'s the food?
I\'m hot-gry,
That\'s a combo of hot and hungry!
KORVO: You wouldn\'t be so hot if you would stop eating
those sauna stones!
I like that hat, Yumyulack,
It really highlights the natural bucket shape of your head,
Thanks, I\'ve been auditioning a lot of hats lately,
but I think I\'ve finally found the one
that says, "This guy bounty hunts,"
Dinner is served,
I made pot roast
because tonight is another,
Solar Opposites family roast,
- Yes! - Whoa!
- Alright! Woo-hoo! - Yes, love roast night,
Yeah, I\'m gonna bow out of this one,
I specifically made pot roast so we could roast each other\'s balls,
This is our fun new vibe, and the whole family has to embrace it,
Fourth one this week, We\'re on a roast night roll, baby,
I thought you\'d run out of "A" material after you said
my face looks like the inside of Venom\'s vagina,
I did, And then I stayed up all night watching Sopranos
on one screen and Judd Apatow extended-cut movies on the other,
Now, who wants to get their non-existent nuts busted first?
Me, me, me, me, me, me!
Alright, here we go, (Clears throat)
Terry is what you get when the Jolly Green Giant
accidentally forgets to do leg day,
Oh, I went there!
(laughs) You got me,
Ooh, do me next, I skipped lunch,
Your polka dot dress is more of a polka don\'t,
Oh no, he didn\'t, Oh yes, he did!
(laughing) Thanks, Korvo!
And then there\'s Yumyulack,
Holy shit, look at this fucking loser,
The only thing worse than Yumyulack\'s ugly hat
is his piece-of-shit personality,
Oh, is that a bucket hat?
More like a bucket of who gives a fuck?
Oh, you are seriously the ugliest, stupidest,
most hateable little shit,
You wear hats because you want so badly to be human,
but you still will never be one because you don\'t have a mom,
Oh, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-busted,
(Terry and Jesse laugh awkwardly)
Here\'s your slop,
Someone wanna roast me so I can eat?
Oh, I got one,
Korvo, you\'re so blue, the sky is like,
"Hey, gimme back my color,"
- Oh, gotcha, - Fuck you, Jesse,
I can\'t believe you would say that,
Words can hurt, (Sobbing)
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
until the asteroid hit,
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,
and escaped into the,,, space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds,
We crashed on Earth,
stranding us on an already overpopulated planet,
That\'s right, I\'ve been talking this whole time,
I\'m the one holding the Pupa,
My name is Korvo, This is my show,
Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa,
Ugh, This is ridiculous, I hate Earth,
It\'s a horrible home,
People are stupid and confusing,
Why is the human gestation period nine months,
and then they come out useless?
They should grow babies in pots,
Faster, easier, and then after they\'re done,
you get to keep the pot as a hat!
(dramatic music)
(playful music)
AISHA: That\'s how you play jacks?
Earth games are dumb as hell,
- (alarm blares) - AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning, warning,
self-cleaning protocol initiated,
AISHA: Dammit,
I told Korvo to clean up the ship, but no,
he\'s too busy researching disses and digs,
- Huh? - AISHA: If it gets too dirty up in here,
an unstoppable bio-matter eradication protocol kicks in
and I lose control of the ship till it\'s over,
AUTOMATED VOICE: Danger, radiation level rising,
Current output is one percent,
AISHA: Don\'t worry, it\'s just a blast
of deadly teleron radiation that purges all organic life,
- No, - AISHA: We\'re safe in the cockpit,
but the rest of the ship is getting that sick-ass teleron wipe,
There\'s too much clutter in there anyhow,
food, toys, house plants,
Pretty sure I saw a UPS guy wandering in a few days ago,
UPS?
AISHA: Dude\'s lost as fuck,
The ship is way bigger on the inside than on the outside,
Where are you going? You\'re not going to save
the UPS guy, are you?
Don\'t go being a hero now,
- (men yelling on TV) - (turns off TV)
Korvo, are we cool?
You-you seemed pretty pissed last night
after I busted your balls,
You flipped over the table and stormed out like all,
"Oh, fuck you!"
Remember that, Korvo?
No, I loved it,
I remember thinking your roast was so funny
that I decided to slap my knee, but I misjudged the distance
and accidentally slapped the table so hard that it flipped over,
And the "Fuck you" was at myself for being so strong,
And-and I stormed out real quick
because my Roblox subscription was about to expire,
and I needed to re-up it so I don\'t get kicked out of my guild!
- Whoa! - (thudding)
- Oh, fuck, Oh, fuck, Oh, fuck, - Wh-wh-what\'s wrong?
I was in the replicants\' room, stealing cigarettes,,,
Please stop doing that,
I saw a glowing green birth-a-day present
on Yumyulack\'s bed, and it was addressed to him,
Oh, really?
Jesus face-fucking Christ, that can only mean one thing,
Today must be Yumyulack\'s Shlorpian birth-a-day!
Wait, are you trying to say birthday?
No, you sound stupid,
It\'s a Shlorpian word that\'s totally different,
Birth-a-day, Shlorpian birth-a-day,
Jesus, Fuck, Oh, my God,
these replicants know nothing about their heritage,
Every Shlorpian gets one birth-a-day randomly
in their lifetime, You know when it\'s here
because a glowing green present appears,
And then you have exactly one day to open your present
and claim your birth-a-day powers,
Ooh, what kind of powers do you get?
That\'s the problem,
You\'re given a choice between infinite wisdom
or powers of infinite destruction,
Infinite wisdom sounds toit!
Maybe, no one knows, it\'s never been picked,
Everyone chooses destruction,
A Shlorpian\'s birth-a-day is their big chance
to get revenge on everyone who\'s wronged them,
Back on Shlorp, we had this one friend
by the name of Jason,
(Shlorpians screaming)
Run, it\'s Jason\'s birth-a-day!
(heavy footsteps thudding)
(Jason roaring)
I fuckin\' hated working here!
(rubble clattering)
(Shlorpian yells)
Where the fuck you goin\', dude?
You were a shitty boss,
- ♪ Happy birth-a-day to me! ♪ - (Shlorpian yells)
(laser fires)
And Jason was a chill dude, People treated him with respect,
Ah, geez, Yumyulack isn\'t chill,
and we\'ve really disrespected him lately with all the ball busting,
Especially you, Korvo,
I saw him crying into his bucket hat,
I hate it when people can dish it out but they can\'t take it,
He\'ll most def use his birth-a-day powers
to laser-eye vaporize us,
I don\'t wanna be zapped into ash,
I haven\'t even licked a boy\'s inner butt yet,
We gotta do what we used to do back on Shlorp,
Keep the birth-a-day boy from finding out
it\'s their birth-a-day, We must keep,
Yumyulack away from his room at all costs,
That\'s right, I never got to kill anyone on my birth-a-day
because my friends distracted me until the clock ran out,
I was gonna kill my exes so they couldn\'t talk to each other
about how I always brag about sucking da mound
but I never actually do it,
Then that\'s the plan,
We have 12 hours to distract,
Yumyulack and save the family,
Then we suck da mound,
AISHA: Alright, That\'s the last of my ferns,
I\'m not letting my Bloomscapes die
\'cause y\'all can\'t do a weekly surface clean,
- (winch whirs) - (Pupa moans)
AISHA: What are you doing with my good winches?
This is about the UPS guy,
You\'re going after his ass,
UPS, UPS!
AISHA: Dammit, Pupa, Why do you have to have a moral code?
You can\'t go in there, it\'s too big a risk,
You don\'t even know if he\'s worth saving,
What if he likes defending Jordan Peterson in comment threads?
I\'m not lettin\' you go in there,
(door rumbling)
Get back here, don\'t you parkour away from me!
Pupa!
There\'s our favorite little alien,
Uh, hey, what are you guys doing here?
You said martial arts was for toe suckers,
Toe sucking rules, dude!
How was karate rehearsal?
Awesome, I got my fourth white belt today,
Check out my sick new move, (Grunts)
Jesus, you are more off-balance than a donkey fucking,,,
That was great,
We thought we\'d take you out to celebrate
this white belt thing we just heard about,
I appreciate the thought, but I prefer to head home
so I can play the new Madden in my room,
Forget the massively popular, Good Charlotte-themed video game,
You could do that anytime,
but you only get one chance
to celebrate your fourth white belt,
Can we at least take you out to lunch?
I know the perfect place!
Okay, I did work up a pretty good appetite
with all my respectful bowing,
Check it out,
- (Yumyulack grunts) - (Jesse/Terry/Korvo snickering)
Very cool,
(alarm blaring)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Danger, radiation level
at 35 percent,
AISHA: You heard that scary-ass voice,
If you gonna do this rescue bullshit, then hurry up,
or you won\'t have time to get back,
By the way, that compartment you\'re in now
is a giant unsolvable maze,
Every ship\'s got one,
stop looking at me like it\'s weird,
(alarm blaring)
(doors rumbling)
MAN: Help!
Please, help!
(Pupa screams)
(dramatic music)
AISHA: Damn, Pupa!
Your Daredevil powers fucked that maze up,
(sobs) Thank you, kind creature,
AISHA: Wait, that ain\'t the UPS guy,
Bro, how the hell did you get onto my ship?
I\'m an exterminator, Got hired to come here
a couple weeks ago to spray for spiders,
and some giant horned bug gored my leg,
AISHA: Oh, shit, He\'s talking about a volptar,
Yeah, yeah, that\'s it,
AISHA: It\'s a dangerous silica-based parasite
that must have crawled into the ship
when we were flying through space,
Volptars can survive radiation,
They\'re tough as shit!
(alarm blaring)
Thank you!
- (winch whirring) - (man grunts)
AISHA: Okay, he\'s back,
Now use the second hook for yourself,
(alarm blaring)
(door rumbling)
Pupa, get back here!
Dammit, I\'m getting too orb for this shit,
This is the only restaurant on this side of town
where you can smoke your own brisket at the table
and see the kid from Two and a Half Men tending bar,
Ah, I\'m just doing this for a role, I swear,
This place has a ton of five-star reviews,
And one zero-star review from a guy
who clearly just wanted to complain about his divorce,
(sniffs) Oh, it smells amazing,
When do we eat?
In four short hours,
we get to take the meat\'s temperature for the first time,
YUMYULACK/KORVO/JESSE: Ooh,
So, let\'s all settle in (gasps)
for a nice, leisurely,
Oh, shit, Take me home,
- What is it? What\'s wrong? - The waitress, I know her,
That\'s Tracey from school, Hey, Tracey, over here!
Aah! Stop waving,
I accidentally sent her a mound pic a few weeks ago,
It was embarrassing, She left me on read,
He\'s such a fuck-up, but we need to make him think it\'s cool,
Don\'t worry, Yum bear, I bet it was a good pic,
- Oh, goddamn, Yum, that mound is tight, - Tracey\'s out of her mind,
Usually, I would totally roast you,
but this is a quality mound,
Neat, how\'d you get it to glisten like that?
What? She\'s coming over, d\'ah!
No wait, Um, uh, we have something else planned for you,
It\'s a bounty hunting thing,
It\'s what defines you as a character,
So, what am I supposed to do here?
Here\'s Jerry O\'Connell, I think he\'s about to explain,
Welcome, Yumyulack, to Jerry O\'Connell\'s Battle O\' Death,
A battle royale? Fuck yes!
Wish I could be there with you in person,
but I\'ve got so many other gigs,
Hell yeah, you do, O\'Connell works!
Looks great too, His smile is almost wider than his face,
JERRY: Twenty combat and survival experts plus one alien
will hunt each other in our warehouse complex
filled with weapons and booby traps,
Every three hours, the playing field shrinks,
last man standing wins,
- Sounds good, Wish me luck, - You got this,
Kick ass, buddy,
See you in six hours or so,
(alarm blares)
(gunfire and explosions)
That should occupy Yumyulack for the rest of his birth-a-day,
You know, despite the fact he\'s hosting
a deadly Hunger Squid Game Battle Royale,
O\'Connell seems like a great guy,
You guys, I freaking won!
That was a blast,
Some of those guys were tough,
So, what are we doing now?
KORVO/JESSE: Uh,,,
- (alarm blaring) - AUTOMATED VOICE: Danger,
radiation level at 60 percent,
(alarm blaring)
(volptar growling)
(footsteps thudding)
AISHA: That\'s the volptar!
Run, Pupa!
(volptar roars)
(Pupa yells)
AISHA: Watch out for the pit,
That shit\'s got no bottom,
That\'s where I throw used batteries,
I know what you\'re thinkin\',
you wanna use those flares to propel
your ass down the pit,
What the? Where did you get that Rocketeer mask?
You better not have bought that with my Discover card,
Pupa, no!
(heroic music)
♪
(woman screaming)
Guten tag, tiny creature!
Danke for the hug!
(woman grunts)
Ah, it feels so strange not to be falling,
I\'ve been in that pit for two whole wochen,
AISHA: How the hell did you get in there, German lady?
I Airbnb-ed a room on this spaceship,
AISHA: Now, now, now hold it right there, Pupa,
I know you wanna use your last rope
to send the socks and sandals lady back
so you can keep looking for the UPS man, but,,,
(winch rattles)
That\'s right, I stuck
a wrench in your winch,
so you can\'t save
this lady\'s life until I say so,
Either you clip yourself in too and come back with her
or you both die of radiation, up to you,
Please, don\'t let me die,
Not before I\'ve seen the Straits of Mackinac,
AISHA: Thank you, How hard was that?
(woman screams)
AISHA: Sorry, Pupa, I know you wanted to,,,
Son of a bitch!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Extreme danger,
radiation level at 80 percent,
Okay, we got one more thing planned,
Just keep that bucket hat down, A little further,
And,,, now!
(gasps) The Hat On A Hat Hat Factory?
No way, They\'re my favorite North American hat brand,
- How\'d you know? - We looked at your search history,
It was all hats, cats, and felching picks,
Come on, let\'s go, We got you the four-hour VIP tour,
- JESSE: Oh, - YUMYULACK: Holy shit,
that\'s Barry Hatfield,
He\'s the designing mastermind behind all their best headwear!
Mastermind, please, this guy\'s a clown,
He\'s clearly about to do some kind of Willy Wonka,,,
(clown horn beeps)
Oh, wow, your legs do work!
Indeed,
Greetings and welcome
to the Hat On A Hat Hat Factory VIP Tour,
\'Tis I, Barry Hatfield,
Shall we begin?
Fuck yes,
♪ Come on, let\'s go ♪
♪ And I\'ll show you hats ♪
♪ Of different shapes and sizes ♪
♪ Stetsons, fedoras ♪
♪ Sailor caps ♪
♪ And Gatsbys too ♪
This song sucks shit,
Let it go, man,
Let it go,
♪ We melt down felt and press it into hats ♪
♪ In a process that meets EPA standards ♪
♪ We just reopened our porkpie wing ♪
♪ And it\'s asbestos-free ♪
Oh, oh, yeah!
Yumyulack, would you like to learn the secret
to how we make our everlasting flat brims?
(gasps) That\'s one of the most tightly kept secrets
in all of the haberdashdom!
Oof, that was some real candy-ass bullshit,
That song did just kinda peter out,
I cannot wait to bust Yumyulack\'s balls about it,
If you thought I was bad before, wait until tomorrow,
Mm, I can almost taste the pot roast,
Actually, we were kind of hoping
to keep the pause going on the whole ball-busting thing
even after Yumyulack\'s birth-a-day,
What? Today\'s my
birth-a-day, and you hid it from me?
- Oh, shit, - Oh, Yum, I\'m so sorry,
How could you? I was gonna use my
birth-a-day powers to do so much cool stuff,
Oh, yeah? Because we were scared you were gonna be violent with it,
I was just gonna use my powers to make them show me
an early cut of Solo 2: Solo-er,
Oh, and I was gonna kill everyone, starting with you two!
- TERRY/JESSE: Ah! - KORVO: Oh! No!
- Ah, the felt! - Oh no!
- It\'s burning! - We knew you were bad!
- Oh, oh, Terry, Jesse, no! - (Terry/Jesse shouting indistinctly)
BOTH: Ah!
(intense music)
(machinery clanking, hissing)
(bell dings)
My family got milned into hats
just like the fortune cookie said they would!
Oh, my God, Terry, Jesse, can you hear me?
You fuck, You turned them into the lamest thing!
When I open my birth-a-day present,
you\'re gonna wish you were a hat,
(dramatic music)
- (car tires screech) - (cars honking)
(cars honking)
- (car honks) - KORVO: Hold on,
This chase sequence looks familiar,
Are these cheap bastards reusing animation
from when Jesse chased you home that one time?
No way, this is different!
(dog barks, growls)
Ah! Ah! Oh God,
Oh, oh, help me, Ah, ah!
Oh!
It is the same, th-th-that\'s the dog that bit you before,
(pained moans) Don\'t you dare use it to get past me,
Fuck you, that\'s exactly what I\'m doing,
(alarm blaring)
AISHA: Pupa, get out of my engine room
you know it\'s not safe,,, here,
AUTOMATED VOICE: Radiation building, 98 percent,
(whimpers)
Help! Please help!
AISHA (voice glitching): No, Pupa, you\'re not gonna make it,
(heroic music)
Who are you? What are you?
- (bone cracks) - Ah!
(alarm continues blaring)
(suspenseful music)
- AUTOMATED VOICE: 99,6 percent, - Let it go, man,
Yeah, I\'ll get fired, but fuck \'em,
They make me pee in my truck!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning, radiation buildup is now at 99,8 percent,
Emitters are spooling, purge imminent,
(dramatic music)
- Volptar! - (volptar screeches)
AISHA: Pupa, watch out!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning, danger,
initiating teleron wipe,
(volptar screeches)
(explosion booms)
Korvo?
Korvo! (Grunts)
Get out of my way,
Look, I understand y-you\'re about to wreck me
with your birth-a-day powers,
but before you do that, I just wanna say,
I\'m sorry,
You are? For what?
We shouldn\'t have lied to you,
We should have trusted you to do the right thing
instead of thinking the worst,
Yeah, that\'s right,
And I\'m sorry I busted your balls so hard,
The truth is, I have thin skin,
Literally, it\'s a clinical condition I was born with
that I\'ve hidden from everyone,
It makes me lash out when I feel attacked,
Thanks for opening up to me about it,
I had no idea you were carrying that burden,
I know it\'s just you and me now because you killed
half the family by turning them into hats,
But I\'d love to turn a new page in how we treat each other,
- What do you say? - You know what, Korvo?
If you really mean what you just said,
then okay, I\'m good with letting my birth-a-day clock run down,
Really, you are?
Yeah, wanna go watch Hunt for Red October 2:
The Search for Green November?
Wait a hot fucking second,
You hate that movie, and the Yumyulack I know
would never cave that quick,
Wait, don\'t, that\'s my present!
"To Korvo"?
Oh, my God, it\'s my Shlorpian birth-a-day,
You guys pretended to distract Yumyulack
while the whole time you were actually distracting me!
Wait a minute, googly eyes?
Are these hats even Terry and Jesse?
(radio signal beeping, hissing)
We\'re blown, we\'re blown!
To the panic room!
(evil laughter)
Don\'t do this, Korvo,
Think back to what you said two seconds ago,
Fuck you, completely different situation,
When I hit full bars, your asses are grasses,
Oh, ah! Whoa!
Get in here!
Why did you lead him back to the house?
YUMYULACK: I\'m sorry, I got way too into character,
(dramatic music)
Oh, shit,
(lock clicking)
Phew,
KORVO: All charged up, time to die!
(monitor crackling)
That creature perished to save mein life,
I will get a tattoo of him on my back,
I don\'t even know his name,
AISHA: He was the Pupa, and he was very important,
which is why the three of us need to get our story straight
about what exactly happened to him,
- (volptar roars) - (all scream)
(volptar roars)
AISHA: Pupa, you\'re alive, how?
You hid from the radiation inside the volptar!
Alright, well, I\'m gonna go,
I don\'t trust this computer at all,
Me neither, I\'ve had quite enough of this sci-fi scheisse,
Ya know, it\'s funny,
I\'ve always asked, "What can Brown do for you?"
But this is the first time somebody did something for Brown,
AISHA: Wow, Pupa,
You really taught me something today,
that every human life matters,
even that lonely UPS guy was worth sacrificing your own,,,
- Ponies! - AISHA: I knew it,
you need to quit putting toys on my card,
You gonna fuck up my credit,
(Korvo laughing maniacally)
KORVO: Last door, You guys are fucked,
I suppose it was always gonna end like this,
We had a good run, Terry,
I just wish that the moon had hit my eye
like a big pizza pie just-a-once-a,
At least I found this bucket hat before I died,
(dramatic music)
(metal clinks)
Prepare to meet your makers, you lying motherfu,,,
DEEP VOICE: Shlorpian birth-a-day complete,
(machine whirs)
It\'s fine, you guys, You can come over,
You aren\'t still mad?
Just at myself,
I told you the lesson I needed to hear,
and then I immediately didn\'t do it, I was like,
"Fuck that lesson, I\'m gonna slaughter you all,"
- I-I\'m sorry, - Infinite power
is intoxicating, I always said that,
Or wait, was it "Characters Welcome"?
- I know I said one of \'em, - Either way,
the next time someone has Shlorpian birth-a-day,
we need to trust they won\'t kill the rest of us,
Can we do that?
- You bet, - Absolutely,
♪
Oh, fuck,
Yeah,
- Whoa! Crazy, - Alright! Oh, nice,
I feel like I\'m actually on Air Force One,
Where\'d you get this game?
The Reagan Library, Now, now remember,
keep those goggles on good and tight
for maximum VR,
Jesse\'s a total snake,
If she gets her hands on this, we\'re dead,
Then I say we stuff it in the washing machine,
It\'s the last place she\'s gonna look,
She only has one outfit,
Whoa, look at that!
Nancy\'s giving some guy a hummer,
and it\'s Clint Eastwood?
(gasps) Too real,
(gags) I\'m gonna puke,
Oh, no, wait, You have to see how she spits it in his face,
(gasps) You motherfuckers,
- Give me that box! - Run!
JESSE: Give me that right now,
I have a lot of anger to work out!
- KORVO: Terry, heads up, - TERRY: Got it!
- YUMYULACK: Run! - JESSE: Give it back!
You\'re ruining my birth-a-day!
(all screaming)
(dramatic theme)
♪
(mimicking laser fire)