Previously on Family Guy,
Oh, my God!
Tell your father not to start the car!
Do you want my badge number?
Here, Here\'s my freaking badge number!
I can\'t lose this case,
Lois, the case is already over,
( sobbing )
Who did this to you?
In all my years of research
I\'ve never seen a virus reproduce this quickly,
( screaming )
Everyone I told about the file is dead,
What do you mean, cut the blue wire?
They\'re all blue wires!
Face it, He\'s never coming out of that coma,
( screaming )
Brian\'s gone to Los Angeles to find himself,
♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good, old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there\'s a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there\'s a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He\'s,,, a,,, fam,,, ily,,, guy! ♪♪
Peter, don\'t throw out Brian\'s things,
It\'s not like he\'s going to be in Los Angeles forever,
He just needs to find himself,
He\'s not coming back, Lois,
You saw him,
He just walked out on us,
Boy, did we have some good times!
Here it comes, buddy,
Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh!
Oh! What are the odds?
Well, if he does come back
I want everything to be just how he left it,
Easy! Massage the scalp,
You\'re washing a baby\'s hair
not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress
you holiday drunk!
You guys, we got a letter from Brian,
Tell him I\'m not here,
Let me see,
( yelling )
Oh, I\'m sorry, Sweetie,
There, All better?
You know, you are some piece of work, lady,
If you,,, actually, yes, it is,
"Greetings from California,
"I\'ve been very busy,
"I\'m having a great time
"trying to make it as a writer in L,A,
"It\'s just as easy as everyone thinks it is,
I\'ve been working the room at a lot of Hollywood parties,"
Oh!
Bobby, loved you in Raging Bull,
Hey, Jodie, how\'s the baby?
All right,
Hey, I need more cheese puffs, Manny,
Looks like Oprah\'s off the wagon again,
And skip the toothpicks, She\'ll just hurt herself,
Hey, Bri, did you hear about Jason?
Paramount bought his script,
They bought Death Spares Not the Tiger?
Hundred grand,
Pretty good, huh?
Sheesh! He\'s been in L,A, how long?
Unbelievable,
You know, he actually
called the main character "John Everyman"?
Come on,
Well, good for him,
( takes a deep breath )
Keanu Reeves, Wow!
You know, I don\'t usually gush
so you\'ll have to forgive me
but when I was writing Coast Guard--
that\'s what I do-- I\'m a writer,
Anyway, when I was writing Coast Guard
I couldn\'t think of anyone other than,,,
uh-uh,,, there\'s a woodpecker on your head,
Yeah, he comes and goes,
And now back to Kids Say the Darndest Things,
It\'s okay, Take your time,
Then what happened?
He,,, he said he would kill me if I ever said anything,
Do you remember what he looked like?
Yeah, He had a scar on his arm
and he had a big, stupid doo-doo head!
"A big, stupid doo-doo head!"
Honestly, the things children come up with,
If you have a child you\'d like to exploit in order to get
a free trip to Los Angeles
why not have them try out for our show?
Our next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago
and Quahog, Rhode Island,
Hey, maybe Stewie could get on that show,
Eh! You must be \'shrooming,
Yeah! We can get a free trip to L,A,, and see Brian,
Jeez, I haven\'t been to California
since I lived with my other family,
Guys, I just got invited
to a party at Sharon Tate\'s house,
You guys can come
but you got to promise
not to embarrass me,
Talk, damn you!
I know you\'ve been plotting
to foil my plans of world domination,
Who are you working for?
The Libyans? The French?
Very well,
If torture won\'t work
perhaps a little tenderness will,
Mmm! I like your taste in women,
Yes, I think she and I
are going to have a good time together,
Yes, you like this, don\'t you?
Oh, God, look at me, having sex with a pig,
I\'ve become my father,
Come on, Stewie,
Let\'s get your sailor suit,
You got to look cute
if you\'re auditioning for national television,
Lois, I told you,
There\'s no way,,,
National television, you say?
Coast to coast?
Well, that could be the ideal place
to unleash my mass-hypnosis device
on the unsuspecting public,
Oh, I always loved this little sailor suit,
Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater,
Or you could make yourself useful
and wipe my button,
Circular motion, one finger--
and don\'t you look at me!
Oh, my God, that\'s Michael Eisner,
I,,, I\'ll take it from here, Julio,
Uh,,, here you go, Mr, Eisner,
It\'s, uh,,, it\'s been Brianized,
You might notice that new script smell,
Every car I hand-wash comes with a smile, an air freshener,
and a copy on my can\'t-miss, coming-of-age teen comedy
set in Wisconsin,
-What\'s your name? -Brian,
Let\'s see,
There we go,,,
Brian,
See you at Disneyland,
Bring money,
Look, It\'s Tom Tucker from The News,
And that must be his son,
Oh, my,
I feel bad staring
without having paid for a ticket,
I mean, really, how am I supposed to follow that act?
Bite the head off a chicken?
Dad, they\'re staring at me,
They\'re just jealous,
Ew!
Uh,,, you\'re next,
Hey, wait a minute, Wait, We were next,
Hey! Hey, don\'t walk away from me!
Hey!
( sighs )
You know what we\'re going to do?
We\'re going to get the video camera out
and we\'ll make our own show,
I don\'t want to! Yes, you do,
You do because it\'s normal,
Tell us, Stewie, what job does a mommy do?
Oh, interesting question,
More to the point, how does one define "job"
without branding oneself with useless labels?
Oh, I\'m sorry,
I\'m afraid I answered your question with another question,
Um,,, how old do you think Daddy is?
42,
Oh, um,,, uh,,,
I mean,,, I mean,,, Daddy\'s old!
I think he\'s seven,
( all laughing )
Yeah, that\'s it,
That\'s what you want to hear, isn\'t it?
Yes, yes, Jump through the hoop,
Daddy\'s feet smell!
( under breath ): Oh,,, jackasses,
Mr, and Mrs, Griffin, he\'s adorable,
Congratulations,
Stewie\'s going to be on the show,
Did you hear that, Lois?
We\'re going to Hollywood--
where the people are sexy and clever
and they always say something funny
right before the commercial break,
Oh, great,
I always end up sitting next to a damn baby,
What? What did you just say?
Stewie, stop fussing,
Not now, Lois,
Hey, big man, turn around,
If you\'ve got something to say
say it to my face!
Oh, you can\'t hear me now?
All right, that\'s it,
I was going to watch the movie, but forget it,
For the next five hours, you\'re my bitch,
Waa! Waa! My ears are popping
and there\'s no way to console me,
I\'m hungry, and possibly teething!
Maybe I\'m wet,
Who knows?
I\'m a baby,
Waa! Waa!
( machine beeps )
Yeah, uh,,, this is a message for Brian,
This is Jack Nicholson,
Uh,,, listen, I read your script
and it just, uh,,, you know, jumped right off the page,
Uh,,, I think it\'s something
I\'d be excited to be a part of, so, uh,,, call my, uh,,, but,,,
( laughing )
Listen, I\'m just jacking you, man,
Me and my buddy Phil just found your script at Starbucks
Phil: Tell him it sucks,
Yeah, it sucks!
Give it up, loser,
And don\'t put your number on the cover, you stupid,
I\'m hungry,
( hangs up )
( phone rings )
Jasper\'s residence,
Who the hell is Jasper? Where\'s Brian?
Peter? It\'s me,
Jasper\'s my cousin,
I\'m using his place while he\'s working at Club Med,
Are you on a cell phone?
Yeah, we\'re in L,A,
What?! Uh,,, what a terrific surprise,
Brian, can we see you for dinner?
Yeah,,, yeah, you\'re not too famous to get together
with your old family, are you?
Well, I, uh,,, uh,,,
I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh,,,
the new Val Kilmer picture
but I\'d much rather take you guys out to dinner,
How about Musso and Frank\'s, 8:00?
Okay, See you later, Mr, Big Shot,,,
Oh, crap, I didn\'t push "end,"
This is going to cost me a fortune,
( beep )
Brian! Okay, I\'m back,
Tell me everything,
I\'m sitting, I\'m hearing,
That\'s Ricardo, Ricardo, Brian,
He doesn\'t speak any English,
Can I? Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm,
Catching up-- okay, me first,
I\'m in love,,, ooh, too much dressing,
He\'s from the Philippines,
I know, I know, I\'m a rice queen,
So how\'s the writing thingie going?
Terrible, I can\'t even get my foot in the door,
Oh, okay, I have somebody you have to meet,
He\'s a producer, He\'s great,
Really? Oh, thanks,
That would be great,
So, do you like Sex in the City?
Yeah, it\'s an all right show,
I wasn\'t talking about the show,
Ooh, I\'m nasty!
( imitates horn honking )
Someone send me out to sea,
Ooh,,, it says here
that this is the actual gutter
where the policeman fell over laughing
after Eddie Murphy told him
he was just giving the transvestite a ride home,
( phone rings )
Oh, I think that\'s me,
Hello?
Hey, hey, Peter, it\'s Quagmire,
Oh, hey, Quagmire,
Guess what? Last night I had sex with a black chick,
Uh, I gotta go,
Huh, Sorry,
What? All he said was "black chick,"
Yeah, I know, but your boyfriend looks like
one of your typical angry black guys
and I didn\'t want to offend him,
Hey, we cool, G\'?
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
All right,
I, uh,,, I was thinking Halle Berry
would be perfect as the camp counselor
all the kids want to get with,
Jasper was right,
You\'re very talented,
You know, I\'m having a brainstorm here,
Have you ever thought about directing?
Oh, just every waking hour!
Well, I got this movie,
I\'m not going to lie,
It\'s a low-budget movie, but the script is solid,
My director dropped out and I need somebody
who\'s smart, ambitious and not addicted to meth,
Well, I am smart and ambitious,
( both laughing )
Seriously,
No, no, I\'m clean,
Brian: You know, uh, Musso and Frank\'s is famous,
See the bar over there?
Great writers like Hemmingway and Faulkner drank there,
Hey,,, hey, where\'d that guy who wrote Porky\'s drink?
Huh? Huh? Oh, man,
When that fat broad grabbed that kid\'s crank through the hole--
Ah! Where do they get their ideas?
Huh? Where do they get \'em?
You\'re the writer, You tell me,
Oh, boy, this is great,
All that searching--
that emptiness I felt back home-- gone,
I think I\'ve finally found my life\'s calling, you know?
Oh, how wonderful,
You know, Brian, I\'ve always found your writing
to be a little hackneyed and stilted
but I guess that\'s why
I\'m not working out here in Hollywood, huh?
( chuckles)
Oh, congratulations on all your success,
Uh,,, th-thank you,
Hey, you know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
Yes, but I was talking about stopping by the set
to see me in action,
Brian, could we really?
Well, you, uh, you do know somebody in the business,
Yes, well, I\'m in the business, too, you know,
I\'m going to be on television,
Great,
Yes, and when I make my appearance
I promise you\'ll all be talking about it
at the watercooler the next day,
Yeah, Well, good luck with that,
"Yeah, well, good luck with that," Yutz,
( phone rings )
( Woman on phone ): Hello, I\'m trying to reach Peter Griffin,
You\'re in him,
Mr, Griffin, are you happy with your long distance service?
Yes, and I\'m sick and tired
of you people always calling during dinner,
I demand to speak to your supervisor,
Hold, please,
( mainstream \'70s pop playing )
Oh, Peter, I love this song,
Open your mouth,
♪♪ Looks like we made it,,, ♪♪
Brian, Right on time-- I like that,
Come in,
So, ready?
Ready to shoot your first scene?
I sure am, Where\'s the set?
Second door on your left,
So,,, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?
Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?
Hey, can someone fluff Paul?
He\'s got, like, a wind sock thing going on,
So this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?
Look, Zack, I\'m,,, I\'m sorry,
There\'s just no way I can do this,
I mean, I\'ve been around, you know, I\'ve,,,
I\'ve licked my share of peanut butter
but,,, I-I just,,, I think you need to find yourself
a new director,
Are you sure?
I just can\'t do this,
Come on, Is this any more degrading than washing cars?
At least here, you can be creative,
Look, I,,, I want to make this perfectly clear,
There is absolutely no way I would possibly consider
doing something like this,
Unless I saw a script first,
Of course,
You know, this isn\'t bad,
It\'s kind of like Bang the Drum Slowly
Except the drum\'s a chick,
( horn honks )
( tires squeal )
Peter, slow down,
Brian said he was going to be on the set all day,
Ah! "On the set," Listen to me!
Two days in Hollywood, and I sound like a contract player,
( laughs )
( siren blaring )
Oh, crap-- The L,A,P,D,
( grunting )
Come on, Peter, want to save some tape
for the Hollywood sign,
Okay, Hey, thanks a lot, you guys,
Hey, our pleasure,
Have a nice vacation, sir,
Ooh!
Woman: Yes,,, yes,,,
Yes,,,
( panting )
Yes,,,
Cut,
Uh, okay, Uh, nice take, Jenna,
But, uh, let\'s try giving the lines a little subtext this time,
Your husband\'s always away on business
and you feel increasingly isolated and unloved
so you begin to think
maybe you should go back to graduate school
and finish your dissertation
and that\'s when you notice the cable man
has taken his pants off,
Oh, wow!
A real movie set!
Hey, this house looks kind of familiar,
I\'ll bet Samuel L, Jackson is here,
He\'s in everything,
There\'s Brian!
All right, now, Samuel, when you lay her down
in front of the fireplace, I want you to enter from,,,
Oh, my God!
Uh, h-hey, you guys,
Hey, Brian, Can I be in the movie?
Well, actually, one of the Jacuzzi girls didn\'t show up,
How long can you hold your breath underwater, sweetie?
Real long, One time at Hatch Pond,,,
No! Absolutely not,
This is a closed set,
You gotta leave, Get these people out of here,,, now,
Oh, what? Now that you\'re a big director, we embarrass you?
No! No, I-I mean, yes,
Does anyone else smell Astroglide?
You\'re going to look so handsome,
Oh, look at these crow\'s feet,
My God, you stay up past 7:30
and you pay for it in the morning,
Who the hell does Brian think he is?
Well, maybe he thought we\'d get in the way,
I mean, it wouldn\'t be the first time
you\'ve disrupted a performance,
Oh, geez! Oh, God! Oh, God, I didn\'t see it,
It jumped right out in front of my car,
Oh, I am so sorry,
I think we just have to face it, Peter,
Brian\'s a big-time Hollywood director
and we\'re just simple, small-town people,
Uh,,, all right, one more, one more,
Rob Lowe,
Straight,
-No! -Yes,
Come,,, stop, Ho-hum,
Pull over, Absolutely,
Really? Yep,
Oh, well, he hides it well,
Yeah, he wishes,
( applause )
Stewie-- that\'s a funny name-- Stewie,
It\'s like Stew, only with an "E" at the end,
( audience laughs )
Hmm,
I meant it\'s funny, Stewie,
See, I had an uncle named Stewie and he used to sell bicycles,
Look, I\'m sorry,
Aren\'t you supposed to be asking me a question?
Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Sunshine and farts!
What the hell kind of question is that?
I love candy! When I was a little boy
we would play stickball,
No, no, I\'ll wait,
Oh, are you finished?
I\'m sorry, You know, it\'s my fault, really,
I was under the impression the name of the show was
Kids Say the Darndest Things
not Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell up,
Ask me what I want to be when I grow up,
And we also used to play brock-brock,
Enough of your blather,
Good evening, world,
From this moment on, I will be your,,,
Ooh!
( muttering and chortling )
What you got there?
Oh, you get to go skiing now!
Give,,, give that back to me!
They\'re of no use to you!
Oh, I\'m going down the mountain,
Goo-goo-ga-choo!
( all laughing )
No! Don\'t listen to him!
That\'s not funny!
That\'s just saying what happens when you go skiing!!
Ah!
Here I go, down the slope,
Oh, I\'m going zip-zop- zoopedy-bop!
Stop it! Stop applauding him!
He\'s not even using real words anymore!
We\'ll be back with a little girl from Atlanta
who skips rope with here sister\'s pigtails!
( muttering nonsense syllables)
No! my segment\'s not over!
Come on, little fellow,
You like to jump rope, don\'t you?
( robotic, child-like voice : I like jump rope,
All right, so you gonna just sit here and enjoy it,
I\'m going to sit here and enjoy it
and I like pudding
and Ghost Dad was the best movie I\'ve seen
since Leonard Part VI,
( audience applauds )
Good news, good news!
What, more people I love
think I\'m an arrogant jerk?
You\'re more than that
Mr, Nominated-for-an-adult movie-award
for-Best-New-Director,
A Woody? I\'m up for a Woody?
Come on! Call your family!
I\'ll bet they\'ll be really proud of you,
No, I\'d rather they think I\'m a jerk than a smut peddler,
Brian, they\'re your family,
They\'ll love you even if you made a couple of crappy movies,
I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow,
Ooh! Score one for me,
Welcome back to E!\'s Adult Video Awards preshow,
It\'s a good crowd here tonight, Mom,
It sure is, Melissa,
All the studs and sluts are arriving,
Brian! Brian!
Uh, hey,
You\'re nominated for three of the seven films
you directed yesterday--
Add Mama to the Train, The Purple Head of Cairo
and, uh,,, what was the third one?
Uh, You\'ve Got Male Genitalia,
You know, I was asked to star in a porno once
but I couldn\'t because, you know, most of my body
is less than 18 years old,
( wheezing chuckle )
I used to guest-host the Tonight Show,
Oh, yeah, What was that, like 30 years ago?
Your mic isn\'t plugged in,
You\'re,,, you\'re not even on television right now, are you?
In my mind,,,
( sobs theatrically )
The next award is for best original score in an adult film
and the nominees are Rod Jones,,,
( sultry jazz playing )
Walter Murphy,,,
( identical song playing)
,,,and John Williams,
( dramatic theme playing)
Lois: Well, you\'ve come a long way
from hiding from the vacuum cleaner,
Lois!
Hey, buddy, Hey, how are you, Alfred Hitchcock,,, eh? Eh?
You like that one, Dick Hurtz?
Ah, I\'m sorry, I\'m already drunk,
H-how did you guys know,,, I,,,?
Jasper called, Brian, why didn\'t you tell us?
I thought you\'d be ashamed of me,
Oh, are you kidding? I ought to knock you out
for not bringing me here sooner,
Look at the pair on that one, Lois,
Bigger than your head,
So you guys aren\'t offended by this?
Well, I can\'t say I approve, but,,,
we love you,
If this is what makes you happy
we support you,
My God, I-I thought I needed to get away from you guys
to find what was missing in my life, but,,,
the only thing I\'m missing is my family,
How could I ever have become involved
in this filthy, degrading business?!
M,C,: And the award goes to,,, Brian Griffin,
Whoo!
Oh-ho! Wow! My God!
This is unexpected,
I want to thank my incredible production team
who have been me from Shaving Private Ryan
all the way to Welcome to my Face,,,
He lives with us back in Quahog,
You got a nice wiggle, baby,
You want to be in a movie? Huh?
Little girl-girl action, maybe?
Ah! Peter!
Good luck, buddy,
I\'ve been barking up that tree for 17 years,
Wow, that was a wonderful trip
and everyone has something to remember it by,
You\'re going to love it at our house, Janet Jameison,
( muffled muttering )