Hmm,
Weird,
What the,,,?
Is it blood? Ugh!
"Dear Mr, Scrooge, what will Franny Lang do
with all those brains, and so many things left unsaid
when come Christmas Eve she has no head,"
What the fuck?
Ugh, God!
Ugh!
Ew,
Hmm,
Hey, it's Tabby, Leave a message,
Tabby, it's Franny,
Sorry I've been a total flake, Like, work is beyond,
But, hey, I just got this weird gift tonight,
It's like memorabilia from Drake U,
You know, uh, like one of Glen's papers
and, like, other weird shit,
Oh, maybe Chandler's fucking with me, you know,
'cause I told her I wasn't gonna go to her stupid party,
Anyway,,,
are you going to that? I mean, well,,,
And has any weird shit happened to you this week, or,,,?
Well, look, just, just call me back, okay?
Oh!
Hi, guys,
Hello!
Well, guys, eat up, because you're gonna get real hungry
when I'm in Palm Springs,
Yes, 1128 Lake Circle Drive, Please hurry,
There we go, There we go,
Okay, yes, yes, Okay, both of you lean, Yes!
I love the leg up, Okay!
I'm loving this right now,
We have not one, not two, but three sexy Santas,
Okay, ooh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
Okay, really use both of them, Use both of them,
Yes!
Okay, okay, who's been naughty?
Me, I've been a naughty girl,
- I think we got it, - Great, thanks, guys,
All right,
- You wanna come look? - Yes! Let's see what we got,
Oh, my God, Tabbs,
These are so amazing,
I'm gonna have so much footage for the entire holiday season,
My agent and my followers are gonna love these,
Oh, good, good, I'm so happy, seriously,,,
it was my pleasure,
Okay, so you have to let me pay you,
No, no, no, absolutely not,
Everything that you've done for us,
getting him signed with your agent and everything,
seriously, it-it's the least I could do,
Paying dues for your boyfriend,,,
Aww, what a kind and gentle giver you are,
Look, seriously, just please don't allow yourself
to get taken by the takers, okay?
You have to save some love for yourself, girl,
- Seriously, you look gorgeous, - Thank you,
Holiday happy hour over the hill,
Calling all sexy Santas,
- You in? - I am in,
Oh, gosh, he's not the brightest tool in the shed,
but he is the gift that keeps on giving,
- Uh-huh, - Girl, Merry Christmas
to you and to me,
- You have fun, okay? - I will,
- Bye, - Bye, I love you, girl,
Uh, hey, excuse me, what was it?
- Uh, Tabby? - Yeah,
You got a great eye and great eyes,
Has anyone ever told you that?
Hmm,,, actually, only my boyfriend has, but,,,
you haven't even seen the pictures yet,
um, m-mister,,,?
Uh, Jonathan Rose, but you can just call me Jonny,
Oh, okay, Mr, Rose,
Maybe I could take you for a drink
and you could show me the photos,
Hmm, or maybe you could just take a look at them right here,
because I do have them all,,,
right here, and I personally am a big fan of transparency,
Hmm,
You know what? I might take it back,
It's amateur hour, if I'm being honest,
Hmm,
- Who's being naughty now? - Hmm,
Look, maybe Chandler's fucking with me
'cause I told her I wasn't gonna go to her stupid party,
Anyway, are you going?
Or did any freaky shit happen to you this week at all?
Just call me back, okay?
♪ Shine, shine! ♪
Hi, you've reached Franny Lang,
I can't get to the phone right now, but leave a message
and I'll call you back,
Uh, so did she say what was inside the gift?
No, she just said that it was weird,
Is she going to the reunion thing your friends are having?
Hmm, I guess not,
I don't know, maybe I won't go either,
What? Why not?
I thought you were looking forward to seeing old friends,
No, I mean, honestly, I just
I wasn't really expecting Chandler
to actually like go through
with the whole dumb reunion thing,
We haven't seen each other since graduation,
Then shouldn't it be fun?
Yeah, I suppose it would be
about as fun for me as Christmas is for you,
Uff, whoa, okay,
I mean, that's not really fair,
I mean, my mom died giving birth to me before the Holidays
and yours is like a fun college reunion party,
I mean, can you really compare the two?
I'm sorry, It's just,,,
Yeah, the end of college was just, it was rough,
So I've been just kinda scared to go back,
- So I'll go with you then, - No, you, you won't have fun,
Sure I will,
Plus you're always there for me, so let me be there for you,
We'll go and face your fears together,
- It'll be an adventure, - Okay, fine,
And if it sucks, we can leave, No regrets,
Okay, No regrets,
And if it is fun, we get Scrooged,
Did you really just say that?
Hey, pulled the car around,
- You ready? - Yeah,
I almost forgot my Secret Scrooge gift
for the gift exchange,
Ooh, What's in there?
- Bah humbug, - Uhh,,,
Oh, my gosh, You really are a bah humbug,
He had it right, Christmas sucks,
Ooh, but I do love chocolate covered cherries,
Okay, well, that is actually part of the gift,
which you cannot have because everyone loves them,
so people are gonna be killing each other
over who gets to have them first,
A holiday bloodbath, Now that I can get into,
Oh, my gosh,
♪ I've got a feeling all December long ♪
♪ There's gonna be a party goin' on ♪
♪ Let me hear you say Christmas ♪
Wow! This is incredible,
Yeah, this house was built
at the turn of the 20th century,
It's been in her family for years,
Babe, you okay?
- Oh, yeah, Yeah, I'm fine, - You don't look fine,
There's just something I kinda wanted to talk to you about,
There's something that happened back in college
with my-my boyfriend,
Whoa!
Is your ex-boyfriend gonna be here?
Um, no,
No, but it's just like I'll,,,
- Tabitha Banks? - Tabby,
You can call me Tabby,
- And you are? - Jonny, I'm Tabby's boyfriend,
We weren't expecting you,
Do I know you from somewhere?
Tabby, you came!
- Chandler! - Wow,
You have now changed to the perfect picture of innocence,
Oh, and you look amazing, as always,
I know, Can you believe I don't use any Botox or fillers?
Would you believe I sleep in a deep freezer at night?
Very therapeutic,
Mm-hmm, Who is this handsome devil?
- Oh, this is my boyfriend, - Jonny, It's nice to meet you,
Tabby finally has a boyfriend again, Wow!
Nice to meet you,
Well, thanks for hosting us,
This place is really cool,
Yeah, only Tabby didn't let me know she was bringing anyone,
Sorry, I probably should have told you
ahead of time that he was gonna be coming,
Guys, I'm totally kidding, The more the merrier,
No, the Crisp Family Chateau is your family chateau,
Oh, all right, I see you already met Marty,
He's our on-site house manager,
He can get you anything you need,
Marty, I think their bags are in the car,
Yes, and, uh, please make your way inside,
The wind is picking up,
We're expecting a bit of a ground blizzard,
Ground blizzard? What-what's that?
It's when a harsh, cold wind picks up all the snow
and blankets the ground with black ice,
Reminds me of when my mom comes to town,
Come on,
Oh, uh, I'm gonna grab our bags, okay?
Yeah, Okay, I'll meet you inside,
Wait, wait, wait, It's cold,
Tabbs, do you remember when we met as froshes at Gamma House?
Oh, my gosh, I do, How could I forget?
I think you said you wanted to give me a makeover
because I was, um, uh, too much like a-a-a freshman,
virgin freshman flower,
Yeah, I-I,,, you did,
And you still do, somehow,
And what I actually said is you look too much
like a fragile flower to fuck,
but you're way fuckable now, Really,
Oh, well, I'm-I'm so glad to hear it,
Uh, Marty, bring their things to the oak suite,
- Here, babe, I can take that, - Yeah, Uh,,,
Wow, is she always this brash?
Oh, you should have heard her
when we were in a sorority together,
Thank goodness that's over,
Okay, you two, come with me,
Please ignore all of the curtains,
My grandmother put them up
when they wanted to renovate the place,
but then they only made it as far as remodeling
the front foyer, so now here we are,
And these are the back stairs,
You can get directly to your guest quarters from them,
and there are a lot of hidden passageways
all over the chateau,
I don't advise you try to get through them,
You could get lost, never to be found,
Hey, look who's here,
Tabby, you came!
Oh, I can't believe you're here,
You back home after all this time,
it's like a dream coming true,
Gosh, Kelsey, it's so good to see you, oh, my gosh,
And Tucker, oh, my gosh,
- You sexy beast, - Come here,
Oh, LA's very becoming of you, too, beautiful,
Hey, remember when you promised me a baby
when Chandler's eggs went bad?
Well, news flash, they've always been rotten,
So I'll take you up on that offer,
Okay,
If you're not gonna give me an orgasm,
I'm not gonna give you a baby,
Oh,
How are you? How's your heart?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
You're not gonna do this whole deep dive shrink session
until after dinner, It's been a long drive,
Okay,
Tabby, who did you bring with you?
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, I'm so rude,
This is Jonny, my boyfriend,
Jonny, this is Tucker, and this is Kelsey,
Jonny, it's nice to meet you,
I can't believe I haven't heard anything about you,
I would have come to LA to meet you in person
if only I'd been asked,
I am so sorry, I know, it's, it's the last two years
are just a whirlwind, Um,,,
You know, just since starting my studio and everything,
It's fine, Just miss my bestie,
And plus, we're still pretty new,
Yeah, uh, very cliché,
I'm an actor, and we actually met doing headshots
a couple months ago,
Now here we are, spending the holidays in bliss,
And that's exactly why we are getting the old Drake Crew
back together, to get caught up,
All right, who wants some champagne?
I will take some champagne,
Hmm, guys, this is Roma,
She's not only a very talented chef,
mixologist, but a professional in heavy pours,
Someone has to put you down at night, Cheers,
Yeah! Cheers, To old friends,
And old flames?
Funny,
You never called me your girlfriend
when we were in school, and look at that,
He brought his fat bat,
Take it everywhere with me,
Just in case someone wants to play ball with me
and Jack Frost in the snow,
- Tabbs, - Hi,
- How're you doing? - I'm good, Julian,
- Good to see you, - Yeah,
Hey, Julian Cortez?
You pitched for the Gators?
Yeah, back in the day,
You didn't tell me you went to school with someone famous,
- So, where's study buddy Franny? - She flaked,
She said she had a family thing, which is BS,
We know that family doesn't celebrate,
Tabby, do you still talk to her?
Yeah, sometimes, Um,,,
She actually called me a little bit earlier this week,
- but I missed her, - Hmm, well, boo on her,
At least you came,
Hey, I came all the way from Orlando,
- Can I get a little love? - Oh, you're so cute,
Yes, thank you all for coming,
I know that that was a big trek for everyone,
with the exception of Kelsey, but I figured
we were all gonna be home for the holidays
so that Grandma Chateau
might be the perfect place to celebrate our ten-year,
And you're right, Perfect place to die a horrible death,
Actually, people havedied here,
- Wait, what? - Oh, you didn't know?
My grandmother killed my grandfather in this exact room
six years ago to the day, Hung him from a tight noose,
- Still so full of shit, - No, no, no,
I actually remember my grandma telling me about this,
Your grandma, she was manic, right?
Yes, total manic,
And my grandfather was a narcissist, so,,,
Hmm, apple doesn't fall far from the tree,
Seriously?
Your grandma murdered your grandfather in this house?
No, But she really wanted to,
That's not funny,
If you're gonna pull your stupid old pranks,
I'm gonna leave right now,
Kelsey, come on, That was college,
I run one of the most successful med spas
that Chicago has to offer,
Trust me when I say I don't have time
to pull petty little pranks anymore,
Cue trap door opening, sucking us into eternal holiday hell,
Hmm, I like this one,
Now then, if people wanna finish their champs
and get settled in,
we are going to start with tea time,
That's T for tequila here in the tea room,
And then, uh, that's at 6:00,
And then at 7:00, we are going to have
a Secret Scrooge gift exchange in the den,
And then dinner in the formal dining room at 8 p,m, sharp,
Questions? Comments? Congratulations?
All right, I'm gonna go get ready, Let you to it,
If anyone needs help finding their room,
Roma can show you to it,
Wow! You still smell the same,
- You gonna show me my room? - Oh, that's easy,
It's at the top of the stairs, the smallest room to the right,
Farthest from mine,
Is it too late to leave?
Trust me, I've been trying to escape this place
for a while now,
but it'll be too dangerous to get on the roads now
or anytime tonight, It'll all be black ice,
Oh, no, Honestly, I think he was just kidding,
Jonny's just not really a big fan of anything
that's like fun or Christmas,
You call what we're having fun?
If you ask me, do what I do,
Simply sit back and enjoy the horror show,
You think it's all right I didn't bring a gift,
I'm not much on gifts or holiday spirit,
Well, then you definitely should have brought a gift,
Actually, that's why we even came up with the whole
Secret Scrooge exchange,
'cause the gifts are supposed to be very un-merry,
Seems like the theme around here,
But, uh, hey, uh, I did bring you a gift,
Did you now? No, Jonny, come on, We have to get ready,
Oh, I came all this way for you,
Don't I get something in return?
Mmm,,,
Marty?
Is that you?
Marty, are you down here?
Martini? I make 'em mean and dirty,
- I'm good, but thank you, - Got tequila shots if you like,
Mm,
So how's San Fran? How's practice?
Zero suicides, eight marriages,
five domestic partnerships, and at least half a dozen
ethically non-monogamous couple saves,
You're not banging all of these guys, are ya?
You know I can't date my patients,
And I'll have you know the psych ward is not the worst place
for a person to be, Some thrive there,
Oh, Lonnie bin for the win,
Three years ago, oh,
you had a really great season, man, Very impressive,
Thanks, Do you want an autograph?
I can sign something for you if you like,
Maybe, uh, but for now I think I'll settle for a scotch,
So, Tabbs, Jonny's quite the catch,
Tell us more, Give us the scoop,
Uh, well, he is pretty, he's pretty new to LA,
He moved from Phoenix,
Um, he's been here for like six months,
But yeah, things have been, things have been really nice,
We're actually talking about moving in together,
Wow, with an actor, Good luck,
No, but he's actually like really good,
No, seriously, guys, like I help him with auditions,
self-tapes, and he goes in for callbacks all the time,
I think he's gonna book something big soon,
I think it's cool, He's got a great look,
How about you, Kels? You dating anyone in this little shithole?
You know, there's not too many options
up here on the mountain,
Well, you should make a change, You should go to LA,
You always said you were gonna move there with Tabby, right?
Well, right,
But then your mom got sick and you decided to stick around,
Which I think it's really admirable what you did,
Right, yeah,
Now that she's gone,
Well, now I run my parents' old restaurant, as you already know,
Well, I think it's great that you took over,
I mean, some of our favorite memories growing up
were at that diner,
So how about you, Chandler? Are you seeing anyone?
Oh, yeah, I'm seeing a guy named Sam, a guy named Jason,
Oh, this very sexy Italian named Frederico,
Well, I'm fucking him,
I wouldn't exactly say I'm seeing him,
Seeing a lot of his dick, though,
- You forgot Preston, the PR guy, - Hmm,
Not seeing Preston anymore,
His friend laid him off, so I had to stop laying him,
Of course you did,
How about you, Tucker, Julian, you seeing anyone?
Um, he has a roster as big as mine,
but he's not dating any of them,
He's holding out for Prince Charming,
Hey, Mr, Right don't appear overnight,
Single and very not looking,
Well, we're such successful
and well-adjusted adults, aren't we?
What a great time to celebrate
our first Secret Scrooge in a decade,
Cheers,
Yes,
What's with the Scrooge theme anyway?
Seems morbid, even to me, and I hate the holidays,
Wasn't it your idea, Julian?
Not to start the party, I just passed around tequila shots
- and said, "Let's get Scrooged," - Oh, yeah,
Kelsey, you're the one that worked A Christmas Carol,
Yes, but it was definitely not my idea, It was Chandler,
A sick game she came up with to prank us all
with humiliating gifts
at our Secret Santa party freshman year,
Okay, I can't help it if my idea caught on,
I just said Secret Scrooge because it was non-traditional,
Yes, well, not all of us thought
your prank gifts were funny, even then,
Then you were just invited by default,
I love you now, but then you were just Tabby's friend,
I didn't care,
Ouch! Tell her how you really feel,
Pretty sure Glen hated it too,
- Who's Glen? - Oh,,,
Glen was my best friend in college,
He was Tabby's guy too, I wouldn't worry about him though,
Selfish fuck killed himself,
Adios, Glen, dumb motherfucker,
Well, adios to you too, apparently,
Why don't you have another shot, babe?
Hey, weren't you two engaged at one point?
Okay, I'm gonna open a new bottle of wine,
Jeez, Julian, what the hell is wrong with you?
Sorry, I was,,, trying to tell you,,,
The part about the suicide or the fact that you had a fiancé,
I mean, I know we haven't been dating for long,
but,,, holy hell, babe,
What happened?
Um,,,
Glen was on a baseball scholarship
and then Glen tore his labrum at practice one day
so the doctor said he can't play anymore
and, uh, then he lost his scholarship, It was hard,
He was depressed,,,
and just angry all the time
and then he-he got let go of his job at the campus pub,
Uh, he started just drinking like crazy
and then, um, one night around the holidays,
Chandler said that he, he came on to her behind the pub,
So Glen denied it, but I-I knew that there was just something
that he wasn't telling me,
So I, um, I told him, uh, that I just needed a little break
just to clear my head,
And then he promised that he was gonna get his shit together
so we could move to L,A, in the spring,
but then he just,,,
he just killed himself,
He jumped off the campus theater roof
right before the annual production of A Christmas Carol,
which Kelsey had been working on,
We were all there,
It just felt personal,,,
you know, just considering the, the theme
of our Christmas parties was always Scrooge,
What the fuck?
Babe, I am so sorry,
Now I can kinda see why you didn't wanna come,
Your friends, they,,,
They're crazy as hell, right?
Totally,
- Do you wanna leave? - With the roads as dangerous
as they are now, I honestly think that that would be
even crazier than staying,
Okay, Is there anything else I can do for you?
You can make me a very big drink,
- Whoa! - Oh, my God!
- What the hell, man? - Um,,,
I'm sorry, I didn't wanna disturb you,
And I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend,
It must've been,,, hard,
Uh, yeah, it was rough, But thanks,
I need to get the fire ready in the den for the gift exchange,
I'm sure it's gonna be the highlight tonight,
Bring you some joy this Christmas,
Uh, yeah, let's, let's hope so,
Well, tea time turned out to be a total bust,
Only 'cause Julian spilled the tea,
And bringing up Glen?
Wow! Brings back some bad memories,
I know, right?
I haven't even gotten to pull any pranks yet,
Uh-oh, Are you planning something?
Chan, these urges you get to induce fear are sadistic and,,,
Nope, You do not get to therapize me tonight, bestie,
Just drink up,
What is this?
Someone's wish list to Santa?
Why is Franny's name crossed off?
What's up?
Oh, Chandler went all out this year, huh?
Scrooge's naughty list?
Must be one of Chandler's bullshit pranks, I bet,
With Franny crossed off?
Sadistic,
Sadistic? How dare?
I'm an angel,
Wait, did you change again?
Yeah, That was my tea time outfit,
This is my dinner outfit, Duh!
And whoever wrote this has great penmanship, but wasn't me,
All right, who's ready to get Scrooged?
Um, so, who moves,,, the other gifts?
Wait, so, like, is this part of the game or,,,?
Of course it is,
- Come on, Chandler, - Wish I had,
This is great work,
But these all have our names on them,
Please, Tucker, you're in on it, too,
I'm not opening my gift,
There's probably a dead mouse in the box,
Forget it,
Okay, Tucker,
did you guys do this or not?
I swear on my entire practice,
I now adhere to a zero tolerance policy
for bringing undue psychological stress to those I love,
Guys,,, can we just open them, please?
I'll go first,
Ooh, Baseball,
How original,
What does the card say?
"Dear Mr, Scrooge, get your very own baseball
by faster than a fox MVP Julian Cortez,
But since he was also the cause of the accident,
feel free to take his legs,"
Guys,
Hey, what the fuck? This isn't funny,
I had nothing to do with Glen's death,
But you were roughhousing with him
the day that he tore his labrum,
I mean, maybe if you'd stopped when the coach had asked,,,
Shut the fuck up, Chandler,
Go ahead, Open yours, then,
Gorgeous goth wrapping paper,
Hmm,
Huh, An apple,
Definitely not gonna eat it, Probably poisoned,
Really? You should take a bite,
Out loud, Chandler,
Fine,
"Dear Mr, Scrooge, send a sleigh with a poisonedapple
to Chandler Crisp, our Liar Liar,
'cause even when she tells the truth,
her selfish ways seek to conspire,"
- What does that mean? - Nothing,
Shitty poetry, at best,
But what'd you lie about, though?
Nothing, It's bullshit,
Well, it had to be something about Glen's death,
Oh, my God,
Were you lying about Glen trying to hook up with you
the week before he killed himself?
You're lying,
Look at your face, Why would you do that?
You made all of us believe that Glen hit on you,
It was forever ago, and I was pissed at Julian
for smacking some hot waitress's ass, and I flirted with Glen,
I-I mean, is that what you wanted to hear? Okay?
I-I was just trying to make Julian jealous, okay? I,,,
I mean, how could I know
that Glen would be completely unhinged?
Wow,
I can't believe you, Chandler,
Glen and I got into a huge blowout
because you told me that he hit on you,
That was the last conversation that we had before,,,
I'm sorry, Okay, I just, I, like, how could I know that
he was gonna swan dive off a building?
Jesus, You're such a bitch,
Fuck you, Kels, Tabby can fight her own fights,
You are unbelievable, Chandler,
Screw you guys, Open your fucking gift, Tucker,
It's your turn,
It's Glen's name tag from the pub,
"Dear Mr, Scrooge, all Glen ever wanted for Christmas
was a friend when he needed it most,
Instead, what he got was a posing Tucker posy
firing him from his post,"
It wasn't my fault,
The pub had to let him go,
I was only a shift manager,
You all know that Glen was drinking on the job,
He couldn't even finish a shift sober,
And the owner was on my ass because I was the one
that got him the job after he got hurt,
What else was I supposed to do?
It wasn't your fault,
Glen was already,,,
He was already fucked up by then,
What the hell?
Looks like an oxygenator,
My-my dad had one of those when he got old,
"Dear Mr, Scrooge, peddling through life with a cane,
do you ever find it hard to breathe?
In the way Glen always saw Kelsey Klein
despite being a very good friend indeed?"
I was a good friend to Glen,
I wasn't trying to get in the way
of your relationship with him, I,,,
I only spoke up because I thought
he was cheating on you too, but,,,
Only we know he didn't, so,,,
- Ew! - Impressive,
What the fuck?
At least it's not real,
"Dear Mr, Scrooge, with the heart of a Grinch
and a Mr, Scrooge's soul,
Tabby Banks is the true Krampus Christmas monster
who will rip your heart out and devour you whole,"
Okay, this bullshit isn't cute, One of you needs to fess up,
How would it be any one of us?
We all got the stupid Scrooge gifts,
Because who else would it be?
Personally, I think you're full of shit
and you're behind this entire thing,
I concur with Kels,
Guys, it wasn't me, okay?
Okay, honestly, I don't really give a fuck
which one of you it is,
All I know is that we're leaving right now,
Yeah,
Guys,,,
Wait,
Babe, look at the door,
Tabby, can I go with you?
I don't wanna be here alone with them,
Yeah, of course you can come with us,
What the hell are these chains doin' on these doors?
Okay, that one's kind of on me,
I was just trying to pull a little prank with Marty's help
while we were doing the gift exchange,
but the lock doesn't latch,
- Huh, Not locked, huh? - What the hell, Chandler?
Okay, uh, he wasn't supposed to use a real lock,
I'll talk to Marty, I'll get him to take them off,
but it doesn't change the fact that you shouldn't drive,
It's not safe out there,
Just please come to dinner
and,,, I will get Marty to sort this out,
No, We're not having dinner with you guys, Come on, Tabby,
Considering the likelihood you're behind those sick gifts,
I'll stay for dinner because I'm hungry,
Okay, well, dinner will be in 30 minutes
for anyone not feeling too overly dramatic to attend,
Are you insane? I'm out of here, too,
How are you gonna do that? All right?
The roads are still icy even though the wind's died down,
I drove an off-road pick-up truck here,
it has all-wheel drive, so I'll be fine in some black ice,
Hey, have a Merry Christmas,
And a Happy New Year,
I'm-I'm sorry for bringing you here,
You're probably gonna hate Christmas more now
than you already do,
Trust me, with my family,
I've had worse, You're good,
Should've been smart like Franny, though
and not come at all,
Yeah, how does Franny fit
into all this, anyhow?
I-I don't know, I mean, Franny,
well, she-she was super smart,
and she had been tutoring Glen,
After the-the injury, he started drinking all the time,
and then Franny refused to keep helping him,
so his grades plummeted,
Maybe that's what she was referring to in her voicemail,
She'd gotten a gift just like the rest of us,
She was smart not to come,
So what now? I just, I don't,,,
I don't wanna be here with them,
Why don't we stay in here and make a night of it?
And then we'll leave first thing tomorrow
to your parents' on the mountain, I'll go
and grab some wine and grub from downstairs
while you clean all that crap off,
We can just chill in here, Hey,
What did we say? No regrets, right?
No regrets,
Hey! Hey, who's there?
All right, you motherfucker,
You wanna play, you little prick?
You connected to my Bluetooth, asshole?
♪ I'll deck the halls ♪
♪ And notch it up Santa Clausin' ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! ♪
Chandler?
Tucker, this isn't funny,
It's fucking cold out here, Come on,
Shit!
Wait, wait, no, no, no! Ah!
Shit,
Please, no,,,
Ah,,, smells good,
Ah! Jeez, man,
Uh, you scared the hell out of me,
Dinner will be served in the formal dining room
in five minutes,
Uh, yeah, sorry
we aren't attending dinner this evening
so I thought I'd get us somethin' to go,
If you want dinner,
you may join the others in the dining room,
Um, okay, What's with you, man?
You seem to be sweating quite a lot for this kind of weather,
Well, I've been in front of the stove all day
since Roma decided to take her leave,
Take a leave to where? I-I thought we couldn't
get out of here with this kind of weather,
Well, I've searched for her in the entire house
and she's nowhere to be found, so I guess she must have,,,
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish
preparing for dinner,
Come in,
Hey, Kel, sorry, I was tryin' to get all this,,,
sticky stuff off my hands,
Please come to dinner,
I don't wanna be down there alone with them,
Okay, yeah, I'll, um,,,
I'll talk to Jonny and see if he'll come down there with me,
Thank you,
I just,,, I don't think I could have handled this weekend
- if you hadn't come, - I know,
I-I really wanted to see you,
Really?
I know we don't talk like we used to,
We used to talk every day in school,
Now we barely text once every month,
Yeah, I know, We'll be better,
And I-I know it's not an excuse, but, um, it was,,,
it was really hard for me to come back here,
Not because of you or anything,
just because of all the memories with Glen,
Everything just,,,
- Just came flooding back, - Yeah,
Just didn't realize our whole friendship would turn out
to be another casualty in Glen's death,
Hey, It's not like that,
And besides, I'm in a much better place now, okay?
And I would love for you to come out and visit me in L,A,
- You really mean it this time? - Of course,
Hey, babe, so Kels wants us to go and join them for dinner,
Not that we have a choice, Marty said we have to
if we wanna eat,
Wait, I thought that Roma was the chef,
Apparently she left, but all I know
is that guy is weird as fuck,
Okay, sit wherever you want and feel free
to complain about dinner to anyone but me,
Apparently Roma decided to leave, so Marty made dinner,
Wouldn't get my hopes up,
She didn't say where she was going?
Who cares? With this ice
probably off the side of the mountain,
Well, shouldn't we be worried about her?
We should be worried about dinner,
I do not know if Marty can cook,
Wait, guys, is it possible that, like, Marty's the one
who's behind this whole twisted gift thing?
'Cause I swear I know it from somewhere,
You do, He went to school with us,
He went to, like, every game,
Wait, like, like Glen's games?
Yeah, He was a huge fan,
He talked about it all the time when we were hiring him,
Well, hello, Chandler, don't you think that connection
is a little bit more than coincidental?
Oh, my gosh, wait,,,
No, I-I remember him now,
Marty was, like, obsessed with Glen,
He used to come to the pub after every single game
before Glen got injured, and he would, like,
try to sit as close to us as possible,
Oh, my God, He was that creep?
Uh, guys, you don't feel like
that's a little bit of a reach?
Marty has been working for this estate for over a year,
Okay, fine, But they have a point,
How else do you explain those gifts
if you swear it wasn't you?
Okay, if that's true,,,
do you think he poisoned dinner?
Guys, I'm kidding, Chill out, God,,,
Oh, my God!
- What the fuck! - Is that, is that Franny?
- It was Franny, - I thought she wasn't even here,
Well, is this some sort of sick joke?
Okay, I-I just told Marty
that, like, he should put a fake finger
in the soup in the hopes that it would end up
in Kelsey's bowl, I certainly didn't tell him to put
Franny's head on a platter,
Please tell me that head is fake,
This is real, obviously very real,
And this was obviously Marty, so we can't start,,,
- turning on each other now, - We need to see
if our cell phones have any service,
Uh, shit, mine's upstairs,
Okay, they don't have any service, There's no way,
My grandmother did have this old radio
in her bedroom suite on the third floor,
I-if it's still there,
maybe we can call the police and get some help,
You guys do whatever the hell you wanna do,
We're-we're leaving now,
- Yeah, - Let's go,
- Tabby, please don't leave me, - Okay,
That idiot's gonna get her killed,
Now what?
Uh, we go upstairs and try the old radio,
Jonny, I've known these people for, for forever,
and I don't think that one of them could've done this,
It doesn't change whether I trust them
or whether weshould trust them,
- Okay,,, - Well, we think it's Marty,
It seems far-fetched that he could be doing
all of this without any help,
- How do we know he'd come here? - I don't know,
Maybe he, like, got the job with Chandler first,
and then he started planning, and he-he could have
been planning this for a while,
Or maybe he's working with Chandler,
Didn't she have a thing for your ex?
And doesn't that track with her whole prank BS behavior?
Yes, but she got a gift, too,
A gift she could have given herself,
She even caught herself in her own lie,
and clearly didn't mind doing it,
Okay, look, Chandler is a lot of things,
but a murderer?
Tabs, sorry, but you're being gullible,
You always give everyone the benefit of the doubt,
even if they don't deserve it, you, you need
to start thinking a bit more level-headed,
Excuse me, but I'm the only person who's trying
to keep everyone from goin' apeshit on each other, okay?
So unless you have some kind of concrete evidence,
playing the blame game isn't gonna help anybody,
Fine, but I agree you're giving certain people
way too much credit,
Look, I just,,,
I think that Marty seems like the most likely candidate,
And if it's, if it's not him, I mean, if,,,
What if it's someone else on the estate?
I mean, this is a big house, and there were a lot of people
that were angry with us after Glen's death,
Like who?
Glen's brother,
Remember he wouldn't even look at us at the funeral?
He was livid after Glen died, and he always, he always felt
like I didn't do anything to stop it,
Oh, he does still live up here,
a-and I see him once in a while at the diner,
I suppose he could have overheard me
talking about the reunion,
But why would Rick wait ten years
to play out some revenge scheme?
I don't know, Why would anybody?
Hey, guys, I don't think Julian ever left,
Julian!
Kelsey! Kelsey!
Damn, Did someone? Someone did a number on his legs,
Oh, fuck,
What if he's still out here?
No, whoever it was, they're gone now, Okay?
Uh,,,
But, hey, uh, the, the truck's still here,
which means we can still get down the mountain, okay?
It's the only thing that's gonna make it in this ice,
Okay, Okay, but we can't,,,
We can't just leave without the others, especially,
especially Kelsey, I promised her that I wouldn't leave,
Babe, She, she just ditched us, okay?
A-a-and we, we can't trust any of them anymore, okay?
So, so we-we need to leave now, okay?
- We can go and get some help? - Jonny, Jonny!
Jonny, I-I literally,,,
I ran away from this place all those years ago
because I couldn't face my past,
but I came back here to face my fears, okay?
And I'm not,,,
I'm not leaving my best friend, not again,
I can't do it,
Tab, that, that, that's a very admirable thing
you're trying to do, but people are dying, okay?
We need to go and get help,
Jonny,,, you go, but I'm staying,
I am staying, okay?
We'll, we'll-we'll go
and we'll, like, barricade ourselves in
until you come back with help, okay?
Baby, please, I'm not asking you, okay?
Get in the truck, We're leaving now,
Jonny, I am not leaving,
You go, and honestly,
I'm fuckin' tired of everyone treating me
like I'm some kind of fragile flower, okay?
So you go and get help if you want to, but I'm staying,
Kelsey?
- Hey, - Whoa! You scared me,
You're supposed to be watching the door,
Okay, so the radio?
It's as dead as your grandmother,
So what now? Everyone else left us,
So now we go to the second floor
and we get my grandfather's old gun,
and then we put a bullet in the head of anyone
that tries to fuck with us,
I may or may not have to pee first,
What the fuck?! I-it's the chef lady,
Oh, damn it,
He's not supposed to come up here,
Why would he leave her body here?
How can you be so cavalier?
Wait,
Did you get Marty to do this?
No, I just meant that he, like,
doesn't have permission to be up here,
Okay, y-y-you stay right there,
Tucker, you know me, I'm your best friend,
I didn't kill anybody,
I might kill you though if you don't chill the fuck out,
Yeah, I do know you, and I know
you have mildly sociopathic tendencies
that worsen when you're isolated,
So how do I know you didn't take
this outdated prank party and bring it
to a new level of psychosis, hmm?
Tucker, you are the one that sounds insane right now,
- Tucker! - Ah!
- Kelsey, - What the hell, Tabby?
You scared the life out of me,
Oh, my God,
And that noise, I keep hearing that,
Where, where the hell is that coming from?
I have no idea, It's really hard to tell,
Hey, hey,
- Oh, my God! - Okay, time! Slow!
Wait, where's your headcase boyfriend?
Jonny went to go find help,
but we found, we found Julian dead in the driveway,
What? Oh, no,
And Tabby just found even more blood
in the kitchen just a minute ago,
Wait, where's Chandler?
Upstairs, Still, I think,
I kind of freaked on her,
I told her I thought it was her,
We found Roma's body up on the third floor
in the bathtub,
- What made you think it was her? - I-it was like she,,,
She insinuated that Marty took the body to the wrong spot,
Maybe I misconstrued her words,
Or maybe that's why she hired him,
Maybe they're in cahoots, you think?
I don't know why Glen's death
would still mean something to her,
Well, maybe, maybe it doesn't,
Maybe this was just, like, I don't know,
a part of one of Chandler's stupid pranks,
and then, and then maybe Marty took the whole thing,
like, a step further,
Winds must've knocked the power out,
Oh, what if it was Marty?
Okay, look, speculating is not helping,
What we need to do is we need to go, we need to get the power
back on, and then we need to find a place that we can go
and hide and barricade ourselves in, okay?
- We're sitting ducks in here, - I-I've been here before,
The electricity goes out all the time,
I'm pretty sure the breaker box is in the basement,
Um, one of us needs to turn those lights back on,
but, but if they go out again,
we need candles to hold us out until morning,
So one of us needs to flip the breakers,
and one of us needs to go get the candles from the spandrel,
Definitely not going in a basement,
You want to get candles all by yourself?
Okay, I'll,,, Fine, I'll go with Tabby,
T-Tucker, I don't think that you should be alone right now,
I think you should just come with us, I don't think
anybody should be alone right now,
One sec,
I'll be fine now, No one's gonna mess with me,
If anyone can take Marty, it's me,
Where do killers always hide?
Basements, Why did we get this job?
Because there's literally nobody else,
Just, just stay with me, okay?
Wait, There's flashlights,
Here, grab this one,
Wait, what if Marty's down here?
Then he's gonna get tenderized,
Stupid Scrooge gift exchange,
Okay, I think this is them,
Oh, how I've missed the merriment
of twinkling lights on this festive holiday occasion,
- Let there be light, - Okay,
There's that noise again,
- What is that? - I don't know,
Hello?
Tabs?
Kels?
Guys?
Is that a blade sharpener?
- Why is that down here? - I don't know,,,
Shouldn't it be in the kitchen?
What's that?
Uh, I don't know and I don't wanna find out,
- Let's just go, - No, no, no, Wait, wait, wait,
Stupid fucking Mrs, Claus,
- Come on, Come on, let's go, - Okay,
Tucker? Guys?
That sounds like Chandler,
Oh, fuck,
- What the fuck happened? - How should we know?
He was fine until he was here with you,
Me? I didn't do this,
I just found him like this,
How can we be sure? You're a liar,
Tabby, you believe me, right?
Yeah, of course, I-I-I-I wanna believe you,
but it's just,,, it's really hard to think
that that could have all been done alone,
Look, I know that I'm a bitch
and I messed with you guys too much,
but I didn't kill Tucker,
He was my best friend and I loved him,
Where's Marty at, huh, Chandler?
How should I know where he is?
Are you sure you didn't put him up to all of this?
You need to stop your little witch hunt right now,
You might be next,
How can we be sure it's not you?
Are you serious?
You trust her more than me?
I mean, at least I keep it real,
She talks so much shit about you in college and even now,
- No, I don't, - Yes, you do,
I stopped by the diner on my way back from the airport
and she proceeded to talk mad shit
about how you probably weren't gonna come this weekend
and how you're such a flake and even worse,
you're an LA phony now,
That's not true, I just said that
I really hoped that you would come,
Come on, Tabby, You know it,
Kelsey has always been jealous of you and your life
and our friendship and when you joined the sorority,
Even now, you are the girl that Kelsey has always wanted to be,
Yeah, but you're also the girl Chandler always loved to hate,
Oh, please, I hate everybody,
Yeah, but you really hated Tabby
because everyone else loved her,
She's a people pleaser,,,
who can't make up her own mind to save her life,
even now she's letting you and her big, bad boyfriend
make all of her decisions for her,
Guys, just both of you stop, Okay?
All of our friends are dead and nobody can trust anyone,
What do you mean all of our friends are dead?
Who other than Tucker and Franny?
- Your ex, - Wait, what?
- Ring any sleigh bells? - Julian's dead?
Please, don't act like you don't already know,
Where?
Out on the driveway,
Wait, wait, no Chandler, no, no, you cannot go out there!
Tabby, wait,
No, wait, Wait,
Chandler, no, wait, wait,
What did you do to him?
Guys, guys, guys, we need to go,
We need to go, go, go, Chandler, go, go, go, go,
Oh, my God, go get a chair, get a chair
put it under the door, Go, go!
Come on, let's go,
Where are we going?
Is that Ebenezer fucking Scrooge
or am I imagining shit right now?
Someone definitely dressed as him,
He had a blade in his cane,
We need to find something that we can barricade ourselves in,
No, no, no, no, we need to go upstairs
and get my grandfather's old gun,
- Okay, well, where is it? - Uh,,,
It's, uh, in a case in the library I think
and his bullets are on his nightstand,
Let's take the front stairs,
- Oh! - Fuck!
Okay, uh, sorry, that was my final prank,
Uh, fucking prank's on us,
Oh, but, look, The chains are off now,
Come on,
Fucking left me,
Hey,
Motherfucker!
Hey,
- Are you okay? - I'm fine, Where's Chandler?
Scrooge went after her, There's something upstairs,
- Maybe she'll find the gun,,, - Before he finds her?
You know, I think we need to sneak out the back
I think we need to hide in the carport until Jonny gets back
'cause it's the one place that we'll see him coming,
Come on,
It's, like, it's not opening,
It's, there's like something against the door,
It's Julian,
Hey, fucker,
Tabby, wake up,
Tabby,
Are you okay?
My, my head,
- Where is he now? - I have no clue,
W-w-what happened?
Scrooge knocked you out,
I knocked him pretty hard with a frying pan,
He was down long enough for me to drag you in here,
- Where, where is he now? - I have no clue,
He's been gone for about ten minutes or so at least,
Thank you for saving me,
Of course,
You're my best friend,
Do you think you could walk?
- I think so, - Good,
Because we need to get upstairs and find that gun,
You check that side, I'll check over here,
I found it, Okay, now we just have to find the bullets,
Um, uh, do you have any idea
where her grandfather's old room is?
No idea,
Okay, Come on,
Nothing in here,
Nothing here,
Here, neither,
Maybe it's the wrong room,
Where does that door go?
It's locked,
When Marty showed me to my room, the door was locked,
He reach behind a lamp just like this,
Someone's there,
Jonny, Oh, my God! Wake up,
Jonny, Jonny, wake up, are you okay?
Hey, Hey, you found me, Are you okay?
Oh, my God, What the hell happened to you?
Some guy, some crazy fuck in a Scrooge costume
stopped me on the road,
Knocked me flat with a fucking cane,
- Okay, - Oh, my God,
Thank God he only tied you up,
Maybe because Jonny didn't have anything to do
with Glen's death,
- I was so worried about you, - Oh, my God,
What,,, What is all this stuff?
Oh, no,
Got Chandler too,
Look at all this, Ebenezer Scrooge,
My God, Who fucking did this?
Marty really planned all of this, didn't he?
But what, what does Scrooge have to do with it?
Like, what, d-does he think that
he's Ebenezer Scrooge or something?
Wait,
What's, what's that?
Oh, my God,
Is this fucking Glen's suicide note?
How did Marty get this?
Jesus,
I-it can't be, Can it?
Wow, it's heavy,
But I guess that's what comes with a broken heart
sometimes, I suppose,,,
I'm sorry, Uh,,, Of course it's not your fault,
I didn't, I didn't mean it like that,
Are you okay, Tabby?
You don't blame yourself, do you?
No, honestly, I don't,
And I didn't tell you this earlier, but the whole reason
that I even broke up with Glen in the first place
is because he was cheating on me,
Only I don't know who it was,
So if it wasn't Chandler,
and that was a lie,
then it was someone else,
All I know is that he was cheating,
And that it wasn't my fault,
I felt guilty for so long
for something that,,, wasn't my fault,
If anything, tonight, tonight cemented that,
It, it wasn't my fault, So you know what?
If Marty wants to blame us, then that's fine,
But we're the ones with a gun now,
Don't move, do not fucking move
or I swear to God I'm gonna shoot you in the head!
Look, someone in this house is fucking crazy,
They bashed me over the head and locked me in the closet,
S-so where did you get this suit from, huh?
I don't know, When I woke up, I had it on,
Look, I was in there for hours,
Okay, just p-put the fucking gun down,
The hell you have,
And step,,, back,
You,,, you just killed him,
He killed our friends,
It was so easy, it was like,
like you'd done it before,
Because you have, Haven't you?
What are you talking about, Tabby?
Marty couldn't have done this alone,
And Glen didn't kill himself, did he?
No, it makes sense now,
Why his suicide note disappears,
barring an investigation into his death,
especially when you consider who really wrote that note,
I don't know what you're talking about,
You're not making any sense, And you're scaring me,
Kelsey, I'm talking about Glen's suicide note
being in yourhandwriting,
The same scratch writing that you used to leave
all over our refrigerator freshman year
when you would let me know, like, anytime
that you would fucking go anywhere,
like, it makes sense now,
You were in love with Glen,
And you were the one screwing him,
Tabby, what? I'm your best friend,
Yeah, were my best friend, if you would even call it that,
More like the girl who was so obsessed with, with, with me
and, and my life that you wanted to have everything in my life,
including my boyfriend,
How dare you?
I'm the only one who ever really cared about you,
Even when you were screwing Glen?
I bet you pushed him off the theater rooftop, too,
Right after I told you
that I was moving to Los Angeles with Glen instead of you,
you must have been so livid
because you were so in love with Glen,
and you were so mad that I wasn't bringing you,
You know what, Tabby? Screw you,
I don't need to listen to this,
I have been dealing with you, treating me like garbage
ever since you met Glen and his stupid friends
and I'm not doing it anymore,
Go on, then, Tell her,
Is it true? Did you fuck the boyfriend behind her back?
Chuck, please,
Okay,
Fine, Yes, Just one time,
Glen asked me to meet him before the show began,
He said he was gonna tell you everything,
and I couldn't let him ruin our friendship,
And his dumb friends had already taken you away from me,
And it's true, did you push him over the edge
and write that note?
I,,,
It was, it was an accident,
I grabbed onto him, and I begged him not to tell you,
He just,,, he pulled back, and he went over the edge,
It's not what you told me before,
You lied, It's too bad,
Kelsey didn't want you to see the note, but I thought,
for dramatic effect, you should,
so I put it into the shrine last minute,
And, boy, am I glad I did, because how else
would we have known what Kelsey's capable of?
I mean, she did kill Roma,
but sh-she kinda had to do that
because I was too busy screwing you,
- You were Scrooge? - Yes,
And every time I put on that mask,
I really felt him as well,
That is what we like to call method acting,
But you,,, you, you were,,,
An even better actor than you thought?
I mean, thanks,
I don't even need the mask to behim now,
I know there's no bullets in that,
Oh, my God!
So what, you just, you just tied yourself up,,,
upstairs just so I wouldn't think it was you?
Pretty much, yeah,
Blood in the kitchen was Marty's,
The banging, him too,
You two were our fall guys all along, so when I choked you out,
I had to find a way to get back inside the house unsuspectingly
in the hopes that youwould take out Marty yourself,
leaving us no choice but to take you out after us,
the only surviving witnesses,
We just didn't anticipate Marty escaping,
and I certainly didn't know that Kelsey would turn out to be
such a deceptive, manipulative monster,
So then why'd you do it?
Huh? What did you,,, Did you, did you love her?
No! No way, No,
I did this for me,
Sure, the whole how was all Kelsey's idea,
She hated you all so much,
blamed you all for Glen's death
and for leaving her here in this shit town,
It was her idea
for me to kill everyone by way of what they'd done to Glen,
Penetrate Chandler's lying little whore mouth,
Make a forest fire out of Tucker's pretty head of hair,
Take Julian's legs,
And then there was Smarty Pants Franny,
Kelsey told me that she stole
Glen's last chance at graduating,
so I stole her head,
It was in my bag the whole car ride up here, you know?
So then if you didn't love her, then why would you risk
getting caught just to kill a bunch of fucking people
that you don't even know?
Ha! Ah, but I doknow you,
I,,, I'm from here, Tabbs,
I went to Drake with all you idiots,
Even worked at the diner for a while,
Of course I wasn't as cute or in shape back then,
Mm, That I had to work on before I came out to LA,
So meeting me and bringing me back here
was your plan all along?
Well, that's part of it,
But part of it was getting you
to help me establish myself, which you did,
Such a great girlfriend, just like with Glen,
You taped my auditions, did my head shots,
even helped me get that great agent, so thank you,
You know what?
Fuck you! Fuck you!
You fucking killed all my friends
just for some dumb fucking chance
to play dress-up as Scrooge, you're a fucking headcase,
You're a fucking headcase, just like Tucker said,
Ah! But it wasn't just for dress-up, You don't see?
Ebenezer Scrooge and I are one and the same,
Our moms died giving birth to us,
Our dad blames us our entire lives,
My therapist even once said
that's why I lost touch with my authentic self,
Poor Jonny Rose,
Or should I say Jonathan Rosenthal?
Name doesn't ring a bell, Hmm,
Ah, But I guess it wouldn't, would it?
You see, I was set to star
as Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol
the night that Glen died,
The night you all killed him,
ruining my very first starring show,
Of course, you didn't get to see me on stage,
The show got canceled, but, hey,
at least you got to see me as Scrooge tonight,
Now! For the curtain call!
Jonny, you don't have to do this,
I loved you, and I know that there's a part of you,,,
- that loved me, too, - Yeah, I know,,,
but not as much as performing,
I never understood how could you love a schizoid like Scrooge?
Whatever does that say about you?
Well, I'm not the girl I used to be,
And if we are being completely honest,
there was one thing that I always hated about you
that I could never get over,
Oh, yeah? And what's that?
I fucking love Christmas, you piece of shit!
My stunt classes are paying off,
Any final words for ya, Tabbs?
Yeah,
No regrets,
God bless us,
Everyone,
♪ It's a-falling on December ground ♪
♪ But what's waiting? Can you hear the sound? ♪
♪ I was shaking and stocking ♪
♪ While trimming up the evergreens ♪
♪ Carols playing lighting up this house ♪
♪ Toes are tappin' feelin' so alive ♪
♪ As the DJ's spinnin' those ♪
♪ Mistletoe memories ♪
♪ We're dancin' through the holidays ♪
♪ Good vibes good times are comin' down ♪
♪ Ready to mingle and jingle and dance all night ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ We're locked in till the Yules are through ♪
♪ Hey, look at old Santa Claus bustin' a move ♪
♪ Everybody in every way ♪
♪ Is dancin' through the holidays ♪
♪ You feel the rhythm in our merry souls ♪
♪ The needle drops and then away we go ♪
♪ No doubt about it, the magic is here to stay ♪
♪ Mm-hmm ♪