Should I make the pie?
Oh my God,
I know, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, just talk it out with me one more time, okay?
Pros, Dad's favorite food from Dad's favorite holiday,
Cons, Dad has a new girlfriend,
Does making Mom's pie
make Dad think about Mom, make him sad, ruin Thanksgiving,
ruin his new relationship, ruin his relationship with me,
and, ultimately, ruin my relationship with you?
The thing that's gonna ruin our relationship
is you asking me this question every night,
- I'm gonna make the pie, - Great,
Hi,
I'm not making the pie, Changed my mind,
It was my mom's Thanksgiving thing, not mine,
It's the right move, Not making it,
I'm making it,
I went to the store, and I bought all the ingredients,
My dad is gonna want the pie, and,,, I mean, this is stupid,
You know? I'm just gonna make it, and it'll be good,
And if it reminds him of my mom, I mean, maybe that's a good thing,
Yeah,
He won't be upset,
He might, He might be upset,
Oh God,
There is a possibility, and I just,,, this is,,,
Oh, it's so risky,
I don't know, I'm not,,,
No,
No, no,
No, No,
Okay, so, Nieuwendyk family Thanksgiving tradition,
Small group,
Close friends and loved ones,
You, me, Emily, Joel, Calbert, and the kids,
We talk, we drink, we eat,
We have a calm, quiet evening,
What about yours? What's your tradition?
I pop a gummy and go see live music,
Okay, so different approaches,
I'm not really a small gathering kind of gal,
I prefer crowds and noise and chaos,
- Julie, happy Thanksgiving, - Thanks, Shut up, I need help,
I invited my mom and her boyfriend over, and I've never done it before,
- Done what? - Thanksgiving,
We never did the full holiday meal thing when I was a kid
because my mom was never around,
I don't know what I'm doing, and you're so good at this Norman Rockwell crap,
Okay, I think I can talk you through it, What have you done so far?
Okay, I put the turkey on the counter,
Oh boy, all right, You might still have time,
First, reach into the turkey and remove the giblets,
What the hell's a giblet? Sounds gross, I'm not touching that,
Julie, this is Mona,
Come over here,
Oh,,, no,
I,,, I couldn't do that,
No, no, Bring everyone and come over,
We have plenty of food,
Honestly, I'd totally do that if it's okay with Charles,
Of cour,,, Yeah, Of course it is,
- Please, come, - You're a lifesaver,
We're gonna hit the road right now, Thank you, Charles, Seriously,
She's your friend,
She's trying with her mom, and she's in trouble,
I know, I know, You're right,
- Hello, - Hey, Happy Thanksgiving,
Go hug your grandpa, Don't be weird, Get in there,
Hi,
- Good to see you, - You too,
- Hi, - Hello,
- Happy Thanksgiving, - You too,
Did you make Mom's pie?
I have been thinking about it all week,
Uh, not an exaggeration to say that's literally all we've talked about,
Oh, good, Can you do me a favor?
Go down to the garage and get the special dessert plates?
You have gotta have special plates for a special pie,
Sure do,
They're on the left when you go in,
Hey, guys, I got that football game you talked about,
Find me a place to buy a pecan pie,
Already on it,
Hey there, You made great time,
Didi has a lead foot, It was like NASCAR,
Jeez, you're welcome for driving you all this way,
Hey, um, can you help me figure out the best route to get home?
Oh, absolutely,
Those GPS computers?
No match for my 76-year-old brain,
Ah, men,
Give me a second, I'm just gonna help Calbert with the stairs,
I'm fine, I got it,
So, there's a surface street route,
it will shave four minutes off your trip,
This isn't actually about directions,
Oh, Well, can I tell you anyway?
It's genius,
No,
This is about Calbert,
He has a problem,
and because of HIPAA laws,
I am legally not allowed to discuss this problem with anyone,
- So I won't, - Okay,
In unrelated news, how is your hip?
My hip? It's fine,
I had it replaced a few years ago,
Smart, because for men of your age,
it's really important to address hip problems,
Yes, it is,
If I, theoretically, had a friend who had a bad hip,
I would theoretically encourage him to get it replaced,
but theoretical people can be very stubborn,
I understand what you're saying, and I will work on him,
We aren't being watched by the feds, Charles,
I know, It's just a really fun thing to do,
Oh,
Didi, I'd like to introduce you to Mona Margadoff,
Oh, you are the famous Didi from Pacific View,
and you still talk to Charles?
Water under the bridge, I was dropping off Calbert,
What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
I don't have family in the area, so I usually work,
Eff that, Join us,
Oh, No,
Oh no, come on,
We have tons of food,
Stay for an hour at least,
- We could tag team, - Good idea,
- Thanks, - Yay,
Saw a raccoon over there,
You wanna invite the raccoon to dinner?
I know you're kidding, but that would be adorable,
So there's a Greek diner just off of the highway
that sells pecan pie, but apparently, it has lamb in it,
Does your mom's recipe happen to have,,,?
- Yeah, no, I,,, - Uh, Dad's tie got a little messed up,
Whoa, How did that happen?
It's not my fault,
You never told me I couldn't use it to catch birds,
- Sure, No, that's on us, - Mm-hm,
Okay, go into your grandpa's closet and grab another one,
And don't catch birds with it,
- Ah, Welcome, - Hi, Thanks for having us,
- Sorry for crashing, - No, come in, come in,
Okay, Mona, Charles,
Uh, that's my mom, Vanessa,
Apollo, Megan,
and this is everyone,
So, uh, Julie freaked out and called you too, huh?
- She did indeed, - Okay,
Um, thank you for having us,
I brought a lasagna,
Thank you, Thank you, Excellent,
Apollo, I can take that for you,
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, This isn't food,
This is Joni Mitchell, my guinea pig,
I would have left her at home, but she's been crapping blood all night,
She'll be dead within the hour,
So I want to maybe do a Viking funeral,
if you've got a bow and arrow and some kerosene, maybe,
Everyone,
Guys, I just want to say a little something,
Um,,,
Thanksgiving has always been a special day in our,,, in our family,
And we just want to say we're glad that you all could come,
That's it, Welcome,
Thank you,
Thanks for hosting, Dad,
Yeah, thanks for having us,
- Who are you? - Larkin,
She's my friend, I met her on Snapchat,
But you've never met her in real life?
Snap is real life,
Oh my God, Jace,
You cannot invite random girls to Grandpa's for Thanksgiving
without telling anyone,
- Why not? - Because that's not how society works,
I told her she could sing a song later, Is that cool?
Okay, that's very obviously not cool,
and you need to go tell her she can't sing a song,
- Go on, - Okay,
There are three stores within ten minutes, I'm gonna go to all of them,
Okay, You're the best, Just get every pecan pie you can find,
I will taste them all and see which one's closest to my mom's,
- Okay, - Oh, And get Advil,
I feel like I'm gonna need a lot of Advil,
Okay, so improvising here,
I'm gonna figure out the new seating plan,
Can you take over making the Nieuwendyk punch?
All the ingredients are here on the counter,
Just mix them all together, add ice,
And can you also put the trays of pigs in a blanket in the oven
as soon as it heats up?
Sure, but this is fun, right?
Yeah, no, Yeah, absolutely,
- Stop, - No,
Hey, I'm sorry I've been running around,
- Happy Thanksgiving, buddy, - You too,
I was hoping to watch the game, but an actual game,
Oh, sorry, yeah, I can get rid of them,
No, no, no, they're having fun,
Uh, you have another TV somewhere?
Uh, yeah, downstairs guestroom, but I'm not so sure that's a--
Oh, Perfect, thanks,
Yes!
Worm down!
Does that say "worm down"?
Yeah, it's a touchdown for worms,
Oh, sorry, Yeah, silly question,
I don't know, Jim, I just don't know,
Pum, pum, pum, pum,,,
Play football game,
You okay, Calbert?
Trying to figure out a way to watch the game on my phone,
but I think it's broken,
Oh, Nico, come here, You're a young person,
Here, take Calbert's phone and set it up so he can watch the football game,
Okay,
Why are you hiding in this hallway?
Kind of a long story,
My mom used to make this pecan pie every year, and I fell down on the job,
so I am hunting for a replacement, I guess,
Winchester's Bakery, Your dad took me there once,
It's about 20 minutes away,
They have every pie imaginable,
You're a lifesaver,
Thanks, Okay,
Here, Also, your flashlight was on,
Your credit card expired on Uber,
so I switched it to the new one that ends in 1108,
Also, have you played Worm War Three? I downloaded it,
We're worm pals now, Your handle is CalbertTheWormGod,
"Worm God"?
Charles, where do you keep your loose hay?
I-- I don't have any loose hay,
Really?
A classy guy like you, and no loose hay?
That is wild, You're blowing my mind right now,
Okay, follow-up question,
What about like a cloth napkin or something?
Anything I can fashion into a guinea pig diaper?
You know what? Don't even worry about it,
Now I am worried about it, What are you--
- Hey, Apollo, Talk for a second? - Yeah, sure,
I'll be right back, Ow!
Please, both of you, be normal,
I am! He's the guy that doesn't have loose hay,
Just, please,
The Nieuwendyks are nice and well-adjusted,
And we, on the other hand, are criminals and weirdos,
So we're gonna smile, and we're gonna nod,
and we're gonna keep all the weirdness and family skeletons
in the closet where they belong,
- Okay, - Okay,
Hello, Didi, How are you?
Hey, Julie, I'm great,
Just lurking in the shadows, plotting your downfall,
- Mm, Very funny, - Mmm,
Listen, I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody
about that,,, misunderstanding that we had,
Clearly, I was wrong to suggest
that you were playing some kind of vindictive long game,
Thank you for saying that,
Although it is a little strange that you're here,
Know what? I'm gonna get outta here,
- Perfect, yeah, - Goodbye,
- Who are you? Keep your mouth shut, - About what?
I don't know, Everything, You have snitch energy,
- Mom! - See?
I was right,
- You heading out? - Yeah,
- You work with Julie? - Eight years,
Julie's weird, right?
Oh my God, so weird,
Yeah, the weirdest,
Oh, I could tell you stories,
Oh, I have time for a few stories,
Okay,
Hey, this is fun,
- Yeah, - Oh, pigs in a blanket,
So sorry, I forgot,
But the punch,
It turns out that Apollo is a master mixologist,
so I set him up to make people drinks,
Try this,
I call it the horny robot,
The recipe came to me in a harrowing nightmare,
Oh, that's great,
So, we work the case for like three months,
Solve it, whatever,
Literally, two years later,
I find out that the client, Wendy, was her old gymnastics coach,
and that Julie was nationally ranked in high school,
- What? - Yes,
- And she had never told you? - No,
And she was literally recruited by Cirque du Soleil,
They only rejected her because she lacked whimsy,
Why do we have to learn calculus? When are we gonna use that?
- Bro, I feel the same way about English, - Yeah,
- Vanessa, how you doing? - Great,
I was just gonna heat up the lasagna,
Oh, yeah, Let me,,,
Hey, how did you meet Apollo, exactly?
Ah, Have you ever heard of Hinge?
Sure,
Well, I saved him from being mugged by his Hinge date,
What, sorry?
Yeah, he was straight-up getting mugged,
I roughed her up a little bit, ran her off, and I walked him home,
We started chatting,
He made me laugh, and that's how it started,
Fun,
Um, thanks again for having us,
It's so nice for all three of us to be together,,,
Oh my God!
What the hell?
Oh wow,
So, I think what just happened
was you accidentally made a lasagna battery,
A what?
Yeah, I've heard of this,
The, the steel pan acts as the cathode,
and the aluminum foil is the anode,
and then all the acid and the salt in the lasagna is the electrolyte,
So, a current just runs all through it like that,
All this blue stuff is actually aluminum corrosion,
I gotta tell you, from an engineering standpoint,
this is pretty neat,
Just, um, please,,, just throw it away,
Oh, No, no, no,
This, this will taste, I swear, just as good,
We'll wipe off the corrosion, It'll be,,,
No, it's just that Julie thinks that I'm a screw-up
because, traditionally, I am a screw-up,
and this is gonna confirm her worst fears,
Please,,, ,,,just toss it,
Okay,
Oh, damn it, Nieuwendyk,
Ugh! Get it together,
Mom, what did you do?
No, no, no, it,,, this is me, This is me,
I am so sorry, Vanessa,
I,,, I picked up the pan, and I was gonna put it in the oven,
but my hands were wet,
This,,, it looked delicious,
Oh, what an idiot,
It's okay,
Accidents happen,
I'll get a mop,
And I'll ask the neighbors if we can use their trampoline later,
Thank you,
Accidents happen,
So, she's like, "Drop this off at my former friend Michael's house,
and if he asks how I'm doing, say I'm doing bad and it's his fault,"
So, I get there, and it's Michael Phelps,
Can I ask, does she have, like, any kind of life outside the office?
College buddies? Anything?
Other than what appears to have been a brief friendship
with Olympic hero Michael Phelps, no,
She had a girlfriend for, like, a week in 2019,
but then that woman sent her two texts in the same day,
and Julie felt smothered,
Wow,
It is nice to receive confirmation that she is a grade-A weirdo,
I'll tell you, though, I would never work for anyone else,
After all that? Why?
A couple of years ago, my dad got sick,
He's fine now, but I asked for a week off,
She wrote me a check for three months' salary
and said, "Come back when you're ready,"
And then last year,
my ex-boyfriend "borrowed" my car and refused to give it back,
Julie said, "I'll handle it,"
And I don't know what she did, but that shit got handled,
I got the car back with a handwritten apology,
and I never heard from him again,
Somewhere down deep in there is a sweet, generous person,
And once she picks you, she's got your back for life,
Hey, I've really enjoyed getting to know your mom,
She's so sweet,
Yeah, yeah, so sweet,
So,,, normal,
Just a sweet,
normal mom,
- Uh-huh? - Uh-huh,
Hi,
Okay, okay, if I may,
Thank you,
Time for my favorite Thanksgiving tradition,
We go around the table and everyone says what they're grateful for,
Everybody always says what they're thankful for,
I have a better idea,
Let's all go around and everybody name the best concert they ever saw,
So 1977, I saw the Ramones at the Rainbow Theatre in London,
They blew the doors off the place,
It was incredible,
Wow,
Or say anything cool,
Your favorite band, your favorite color, your favorite shape, anything,
I'll go, Favorite band, Maroon 5,
Favorite color, maroon,
Favorite number, 1,000,
I'll say what I'm thankful for,
My boss, Julie, my friend, Charles, and my new friend, Didi,
Your new friend? What were you guys talking about?
- Nothing, - Can I speak to you for a second?
- No, thank you, - I'd like to go, if I may,
I'm thankful for a lot, actually,
I'm thankful for Charles and Mona and their hospitality,
I'm thankful for Apollo, my best friend,
But mostly, I'm thankful for Julie, my daughter,
Aw,
We didn't get to have nice Thanksgivings like this
when she was growing up, so this feels really special,
- Yay, - That's nice,
Tell them why,
Go ahead, Tell them why we didn't have Thanksgivings,
Oh,,,
Do it, seriously, It's a really good story,
Well, when Julie and her sister were very young,
my husband left, and I was scared,
I had no idea how I was going to pay for two kids,
I went to a bar, and a guy started hitting on me,
waving a wad of cash, offering to buy me a drink,
And I thought,
"I don't want your drinks, but I do want your money,"
I said to the bartender, "Hey, if you pour me water
instead of vodka, we'll wait till he wears himself out
and we'll split the money 50-50,"
He drank booze, I drank water,
He got frustrated, paid the bill, and took off,
And the bartender gave me $30,
and I used it to buy the girls' school supplies,
And then what?
I pulled that scam a few more times and
moved on to more serious stuff,
Stole credit card numbers, taught myself how to pickpocket,
started forging checks,
I told myself that I was doing it for the girls,
But the truth is,,,
I enjoyed it,
It was exciting,
And then,
one day it caught up to me,
And when Julie was about 12, I was arrested,
I was 11,
I was 11 years old,
And I opened the door, and the cops were there
and led you away in handcuffs,
Julie, I'm so sorry,
And then I went down to the police station,
and they started to ask me questions about my mom
and the crimes she had committed,
I spent my life trying to make it up to you,
There's no point,
It's why I don't trust anyone,
It's why I've never been in a real relationship,
No matter what you say or what you do or how normal you act,
it'll never be normal,
And that's all I ever wanted, was to be normal,
Oh my God, I'm sorry,
I'm so embarrassed,
This is not about me, and I know that, I just,,,
I really miss my mom,
Oh, honey,
It's fine,
Is this not the right time?
Good night, Vanessa, Good night, Apollo, Good night, Joni Mitchell,
Oh, thanks so much for having us,
I know Joni had a great time,
Didn't you, Joni? Oh, whoa,
This is turkey leftovers, Joni's in the fridge,
I'll be right back,
I don't know what to say, I'm so embarrassed,
Oh, don't be,
And this thing with Julie, it's gonna get better,
You're very sweet, but I don't think it will,
I just don't think she'll ever be able to forgive me, and that is my fault,
So, anyway,,,
Happy Thanksgiving,
Okay, I found her,
- Ready? - Yeah,
- Thanks again, - Mm,
Well, I wanted drama and excitement,
Be careful what you wish for, I guess,
Are you angry with me?
Just sad,
Sad, how?
I didn't ask you for much tonight,
Just your time and attention for a couple of hours
to meet and get to know the people I care about,
And I did,
You didn't, You plainly didn't,
You designed your own evening and dragged me into it,
Some things in my life, some people in my life are nonnegotiable,
You have to understand that,
Waiting for your ride?
Yeah, it's taking forever,
I can never be outside a major city,
Things are so goddamn inefficient,
So, how long was it?
After your mom
got arrested before you two talked again?
I don't know, six years,
Longest I ever went was five weeks,
I marked the days on my bedroom wall like some old-timey prisoner,
Like, line, line, line, line, slash,
And then when we finally made up, I felt so dumb, like,,,
I lost five weeks of time with her,
I forget,
What was your mom in jail for?
Fair enough,
It's not the same, I'm not saying that it is,
No, you know what? Screw that, It is the same on some level,
It's a mother and a daughter, and it's complex,
and shit goes sideways,
but it's a mom who loves her daughter, and she's in pain, and you're in pain,
And yes, what happened to you is real,
and it,,, sucks,
It's so unfair, and you have every right to be so angry, but,,,
you only get one mom,
And I miss mine every day,
So if there is a one-in-a-billion chance
that you can repair your relationship with her,
I think you should take it,
I need to apologize,
You absolutely do not, I do,
I screwed this night up so badly,
and I feel like shit,
Hence,,,
This is incredible, by the way,
Your mom must have been a really great baker,
She was, but that is not her pie,
I actually debated for days whether to even make it or not,
Was worried it might cause my dad,,,
to get sad,
Mm,
Or cry,
Or cry at dinner and ruin the entire evening,
I mean, how embarrassing would that be?
- Wait till you taste that, - Hi, Oh, I can't wait,
- Oh, come on, Calbert, - Calbert, try this,
- Dig in, man, - Mm, Oh my God,
- That is so good, - Right? I know,
Wait, are all pecan pies just good?
I mean, maybe my mom was just an average baker,
Oh, I'm sure she was great,
She married your father, That was a smart move,
And you turned out pretty well,
Yeah, I feel like she nailed it,
- Mm, - She was a wonderful person,
Tell us about her,
What do you want to know?
I don't know, Anything,
What were her favorite concerts, favorite shapes?
- Gum flavors? - Flavors?
Okay, favorite shapes,
Um, well, my dad's is definitely a circle,
That man loves a Venn diagram,
I mean, he used to make them all the time whenever I was making a decision,
Like when I chose Wheeler College,
- Nothing wrong with a good Venn diagram, - No, Boo, Nobody likes a math nerd,
Your mom's favorite was triangles,
That's right,
You made her a triangle pillow once in middle school,
Mm-hm,
- The three points were her, me, and you, - Mm-hm, Mm-hm, Mm,
Um, speaking of pillows,
I think Joni Mitchell, the guinea pig, did a number on your couch,
- Oh, for,,, - Oh, no,
You guys, Apollo, what is the deal there?
Oh, who knows?
- I think he's great, - He is, I mean,,,
Oh my God, he asked me for loose hay,
As I was walkin' 'Round Grosvenor Square
Not a chill to the winter But a nip to the air
From the other direction She was calling my eye
It could be an illusion But I might as well try
Might as well try
Got rings on her fingers And bells on her shoes
And I knew, without askin' She was into the blues
She wore scarlet begonias Tucked into her curls
I knew right away She was not like other girls
Other girls
In the heat of the evening When the dealing got rough
She was too pat to open And too cool to bluff
As I picked up my matches And was closing the door
I had one of those flashes I'd been there before
Been there before,,,