- Let's go, let's go,
- I know Tony,
- Everybody knows Tony,
Get the fuck out, stay the fuck out,
- Hey, man, what have you got?
Fucking sweet,
Where did you get this shit?
So are you new in town or?
What the fuck?
Fuck off me,
Help, help, please somebody help!
- Of course not,
What happened to the bed and breakfast
you opened up in Ogunquit with your boyfriend there?
- It just didn't pan out,
- Never, ever go into business with your boyfriend,
Didn't I tell you that?
- Not that I can recall,
- So you want your job back,
- Tony, I'll take any shift you can give me,
- Can I get you to push some of this shit around?
I got a guy but he keeps coming back short,
he's a fucking junkie,
- That's not the kind of job I was looking for
and I don't really think I'd be any good at that,
- Yeah, I suppose you wouldn't be, would you?
Look, I'm not short on bartenders
but you're a hard worker, I remember that,
Come down on Tuesday night, I'll squeeze you in,
- Are Tuesdays still karaoke?
- That's all I got right now,
So don't come in and asking for more,
- Thank you, Tuesday's fine,
- The club ain't the same as it used to be,
got a younger crowd now, different speed,
- But do they still call you Tony Two Fingers?
Tuesday is cool, I'll see you Tuesday, Tony,
Thank you, thanks,
- Who the fuck am I gonna get to push this shit around?
My God,
Hold the fucking phone,
- It's not that big of a deal, Brian,
- It's still exciting,
I mean, Tuesday isn't really that exciting
but it is something,
And you're gonna be working at the same bar as Janet,
and she's performing tonight,
You, me, we're going out on the town
and celebrating your job,
- No, I think I just wanna lay low tonight,
- Don't be such a Les Mis,
There's a whole world out there, Dwayne,
and you need to start living your life,
We're going out,
You're buying the drinks, bitch, bye,
- Whatever,
- So just a heads up,
but there is a guy that's gonna meet us there at the bar,
- What?
- Don't be weird about it,
It's just some guy that I met off Poundr,
- So I'm the third wheel?
- No, it's not like that at all,
Listen, he's a grad student, super handsome
and did I mention, a top!
Enchanté
- Brian?
- The one and only,
My God, you look just like your profile picture,
This is my friend, Dwayne,
He just moved back here
but he just got out of a relationship
so he's a little vulnerable right now,
- Hey, what's up?
- So then I was in the production
of "You're Good Man, Charlie Brown,"
I was Snoopy,
- Snoopy had lines?
- Yeah, Snoopy had lines,
Not to mention the choreography,
I was the red baron,
- What ever happened to Gloria Hole?
- Who is Gloria Hole?
- Gloria Troll?
What happened was whiskey, gravity
and some basic song choices,
Janet Fitness is the future of drag,
Now the performance
you've all been waiting for,
the queen with the best body in Providence
My God, it's her, this is Janet Fitness,
Put your hands together for Janet Fitness,
♪ Titty ♪
♪ Don't tell me they both don't ♪ look the same, buttercup ♪
♪ Ooh, they feel tight ♪
♪ You can play with them ♪
♪ I've got two left titties ♪ but you can find me ♪
♪ Me kicking my heels up to the sky ♪
♪ My shoes are cheap, ♪ my feet are enormous ♪
♪ Other than that I'm ♪ death drop gorgeous ♪
♪ What's that you said my name ♪
♪ These two left titties ♪ gonna make it rain ♪
♪ Turn, step, pop and skip ♪
♪ Gonna make you wet, gonna pop your hip ♪
♪ Count it, honey, count that money ♪
♪ Keep the change where ♪ it don't get sunny ♪
♪ Look me up, look me down ♪
♪ You can see I'm the best in town ♪
♪ Okay, turn again ♪
♪ That's me, two left titties ♪
♪ Both the same, both real pretty ♪
♪ One, two, that's why I ♪ get three chances, bitch ♪
♪ Bet you'll find me a ♪ pretty boy, boy, boy ♪
♪ Two left titties in the sky ♪
♪ Better watch your man ♪ better watch your eye ♪
♪ They may look the same ♪
♪ And they win me every game every time ♪
♪ And that's a fact ♪
My God, she was perfect, wasn't she?
She's a hashtag goddess,
I haven't really felt this way
since I first discovered Idina Menzel, you know?
- Dude, I'm not feeling this,
- What?
- No offense, but I like dudes who act like dudes,
- Excuse the mouth?!
- And for the record, I'm not into blacks either,
So you know what, I'm gonna go get a drink
and you guys do your own thing,
Ciao,
- Ciao?
Who even says ciao anymore?
This is awful,
- Fuck that dude,
- I douched for this,
- What the fuck is up, Providence?
How y'all doing tonight?
We have a special treat for you tonight,
We have Audrey Heartburn,
slutty shot boys,
and a fat ass contest
which some of you should enter right now,
Are you ready to have a blast?
Woo!
- Fuck you,
- Janet, you were great out there,
- Bitch, I know,
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Why even bother asking?
- Hey man,
You in here?
Alright,
Yeah,
Fuck,
Hey, why'd you stop?
Dude, are you gonna suck it or not?
Watch the teeth,
Dude, watch the fucking teeth!
- I cannot believe that that self-loathing,
misogynistic and racist fucking faggot
had the audacity to be such a faggot,
- Well you dodged a fucking bullet ditching that one,
- A bullet?
I dodged a God damn clip,
Are you fucking kidding me, I'm too fem?
Did you catch that motherfucker's penny loafers?
- Thanks for breakfast,
- Please, it's the least that I could do
after you took care of me last night,
I don't even remember what happened,
- There's not much to remember,
Don't worry about it,
- You never told me what happened,
- About the rest of last night?
- No, fuck last night,
I wanna know what happened with you
in the bed and breakfast in Ogunquit,
You just said, it didn't work out and left it at that,
- There's not much more else to say about that,
- Dwayne, are we not friends?
Are we not close?
You can talk to me,
- There was someone else,
There was another guy,
- And at first I started to like, feel him change, you know?
But I thought that was just how like relationships go,
You get used to seeing each other
every God damn day of your lives,
And then I started to think that maybe
he was getting bored with me,
that it was something that I did,
And then there was someone else,
And then I was packing my shit,
- Dwayne, I'm so sorry,
That's so real,
- Whatever, it happens, I'm sure I'll get over it,
We all end up breaking up with someone
at some point in our lives,
- I'm sorry,
But listen, you can stay here for as long as you need,
especially now that you have a job,
My God, Tragedi, I got some tea from last night,
Remember that fucking Arab guy, like he was back again
and I'm pretty sure he's obsessed with me
but he was sprouting that same old BS
just like how he's got the money
and his dad's a Sheik or something,
I'm like, girl, I don't care how stylish your dad is,
Like I'm trying to make money,
You are cramping my style,
And like, I don't know, he's kind of cute though,
I might sleep with him again,
He has a really nice penis and the sex is good,
Like I'm talking like in that desperate
like closeted way, you get what I'm saying?
- Tragedi, what the fuck?
My God, I'm calling Tony!
- Hey, you got something right there,
- Thank you, sir,
- Detective O'Hara,
Hey, T, how's it going?
Yeah, I can, I can swing by,
but I've got my partner with me,
No, my, my detective partner,
All right, we'll be there in a little bit,
Finish up,
We're gonna see an old friend of mine,
But a word of advice, don't say shit about his hand,
- So yeah, I know the kid and if I killed him,
which I didn't, why would I put in my own God damn trash?
- Relax, Tony,
We aren't accusing you of nothing,
What can you tell us about him?
- Well, I can tell you he was a fucking coke whore,
how about that?
- Did he push the stuff around here?
- Yeah, but it was only a matter of time
before that kid ended up in a dumpster, come on,
- Yeah, yes, did he have enemies?
- Fuck do I know, O'Hara, probably,
- Did you notice anything suspicious
when you saw him last time?
- Look, Detective O'Hara and Detective-
- Barry, - Yeah, right,
Anyways, I can't have this shit happening at my club,
- You think someone's trying to sabotage you?
- O'Hara, I didn't call you two down here
to have a fucking investigation,
You and blueberry get that fucking trailer trash
junkie gutter whore the fuck out of my dumpster!
Before it starts stinking the place up,
- Listen Tony, the city's, it's changed,
Getting rid of a body
just ain't like it used to be, you know,
- Make it fucking happen,
- Hey, but it ain't impossible, right?
- I'm no doctor, O'Hara
but I think somebody drained this kid's blood,
- We'll just dump it at PuPu's around the corner,
- The Chinese place? - Yeah,
Hi, yeah, O'Hara,
All right, we'll be back in a bit,
- What was that about?
- A Beige University student's been reported missing,
Mom says he ain't picking up his phone,
- Just like my neurologist says,
you can always find beauty in tragedy,
After all the years I put in here,
this is what I'm rewarded with,
So the salami sucking, piece of shit,
meatball fucking filled with shit fucking fuck,
Tuesday, Tuesday with Gloria Hole!
Whatever happened, big numbers, glitz, the glamor,
Replaced,
Do I know you?
- Sort of,
I used to work here before,
- Is it Tito? - Dwayne,
- Wayne? - Dwayne,
- Elaine? - Dwayne,
- Mitchell? - Dwayne,
Alright, Shane, listen, two shots of whiskey,
And the good stuff, not that cheap shit,
I got my eye on you,
Up your ass,
Fuck,
♪ Why don't you dance to my heartbeat ♪
♪ It's the only rhythm ♪ that moves your feet ♪
♪ I remember glitter ♪ nights of admiration ♪
♪ I remember bitter fights ♪ and cheap frustration ♪
♪ Undress me with your eyes, ♪ impress you with my lies ♪
♪ I don't dance in ♪ disguise, it's jubilation ♪
♪ I'm not someone you forget ♪
♪ I put out but I am no cigarette ♪
♪ That drowns in its smoke ♪ and bursts into flames ♪
♪ And burns while you choke ♪ as you breathe out my name ♪
Fuck this,
♪ I'm a queen, I'm a ♪ trendsetting evergreen ♪
Pup's been good to me today,
Jesus Christ, can you fucking knock?
- Tony, I can't do it,
I've worked too hard and too long to be reduced to this,
- Gloria, we've been through this,
The people want something new,
Not some old number you yanked
out of your fucking sarcophagus, come on,
- You remember when I first got here?
Remember I was all young, dumb and full of cum,
Remember I worked my ass off,
I'd stay late,
Perfect my number for the next night,
I paid my God damn dues,
Spare me the history lesson,
No, one's fucking listening,
- I'll change it up,
- What are you gonna do?
- I'll do a modern number, something on the radio,
Something people know,
Just give me a fucking Saturday night,
- Look, Audrey Heartburn won't be performing this Saturday
at the Masque 4 Masque Ball,
She's under house arrest for indecent exposure again,
Pretends to be shocked,
Anyways, you can take her slot
but let me tell you something,
if you come in there and shit on my party,
I'm gonna shit on you,
That means no more Saturday nights,
no more Tuesday nights
and you can say say-o-fucking-nara to those comped drinks
'cause you haven't paid me
a God damn dollar in fucking years!
- I am a God damn professional, Tony,
And Gloria?
- Yes, Mr, Fingers,
- Why don't you get yourself a new wig,
that one looks like a God damn cum rag,
- You know, you can paint up any kind of child, Tony,
you can even have a child do cartwheels
all across your motherfucking stage,
but don't you ever forget that I will always
be the first lady of Providence,
- Fucking drag queens,
My God,
Janet, how are you?
It's me, Brian,
We've met a couple of times,
You said you'd sign my head shots,
- Did I?
Yeah, my God, it's so crazy to run into you,
As you know, I am also a performer
and I can totally get you tickets to my show
if you'd like to come,
I just don't know when it would be,
- You couldn't pay me enough,
- What?
- Did I stutter?
- That was kind of rude,
- And you're kind of fucking annoying,
- So you're actually just the worst?
- And you're actually a walking restraining order,
Nice shirt,
Fucking piece of shit,
- Bingo,
- You left me,
you left me this fucking shithole,
It's an embarrassment of a legacy,
- Look at your drag daughter now, Ma,
Legendary,
- Hey lady,
I said Bingo,
- Congrat-u-fucking-lations,
You have won a free app at Papa Fag-a-toni's on the Hill,
- Why are you wearing that, Brian?
- I'm kind of in a dark place right now,
- Why did someone die?
- Yes, Janet,
- Wait, She's dead?
- She's not really dead, she's dead to me,
You would not believe what she said to me, Dwayne,
What's the thing about never meeting your idols?
It's so true,
Janet is a fucking monster,
- They're all fucking monsters, Brian,
Janet, Audrey, that go-go boy, especially Tony,
Why is it always the worst fucking people
are in positions of power?
- You don't think that's a little harsh?
- Whatever,
I'm just so sick of these gigs,
Being like treated like a peasant,
always the lowest rung on the ladder,
I think if I have to cocktail one more time,
I might just slice someone's fucking throat,
- I mean you did just start there again,
Maybe things have changed,
Maybe it will be different,
- No, nothing has fucking changed, alright?
Tony already asked me sell fucking cocaine for him,
He's still treating his employees
like they're fucking disposable,
Some way to run a fucking business,
Look, it's getting late, I gotta go to work,
- Dwayne, there is nothing wrong with being working class,
- Just wish me luck,
- Try not to kill anyone,
- No promises,
- I'm back, bitch,
- Audrey, what are you doing here?
I thought you were on house arrest,
- Let's just say the judge changed his mind
after I found him on Poundr,
- You little slut,
- This hoe needs some dough,
I'm ready for this masquerade ball,
You didn't hear?
Tony gave your spot to Gloria Troll,
Better luck next year,
- Gloria Hole?
Well, assuming she'll make it until then,
Besides I wouldn't want my name
on the same flyer as that beat up old hole,
You mind if I use your mirror?
- Sure, go ahead, sister,
Beat that reptilian mug for the gods,
Really, take your time,
because if you're gonna have two faces,
at least make one of them pretty,
Bye bitch,
- Lindsay, Rosebud, remind me again what it is
I pay you two broads for,
Get your asses upstairs and do your damn jobs,
- You know, at first I thought Tony did it,
but then I realized he couldn't have done it,
He doesn't like to drain blood,
It's too much involved, too much science,
Now Tony, he can make a cocktail,
- You thought your own cousin did it?
- You know the kind of family I'm from,
- I don't know if I can work here anymore,
- We could be next,
- Tragedi,
what did the body look like?
- Lost,
- So I hear Audrey's under house arrest,
Girl, not anymore,
- Ooh, let me get a sip of this,
- Hey, Audrey, I gotta head out of here,
Do you mind closing up for me?
- All right,
- Great, thanks, I'll see you tomorrow,
- Bye,
I didn't know we were booked to close,
Hey Tragedi, I'm gonna go count my tips downstairs,
We're closing,
Au revoir mon amis,
This ain't even enough for nails,
People in the city are so cheap,
Jesus fucking Christ, Tragedi,
you scared the shit out of me,
What's that thing on your face?
It's cute though,
I mean, I have to say, Tragedi,
you never looked better,
Lighten up,
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
What, you didn't know?
That Janet is such a fucking bitch,
What the?
- I don't have any cash,
Come on, Dwayne,
Can't be that bad,
Being a shot boy is so degrading,
I can't believe I have to wear this outfit all night,
- I bet you'll make a bunch of tips,
♪ My baby likes whiskey ♪ and black leather ♪
I'd kill for your skin,
And the feathers, the bird stuff, I get it,
Very bird of paradise,
- More like avian flu,
This Masque 4 Masque Ball is gonna be a fucking disaster,
- Please, the Aut Haus' Halloween party
is their biggest of the season,
Plus, I like the theme,
Masquerade balls are so mysterious,
- About as mysterious as Tony's last missing three fingers,
- You know what?
Our relationship is so Elphaba and Glinda,
Walk with me on this,
you are so pessimistic,
me, cheerful, encouraging, loved by everyone,
So if I'm Elphaba, does that mean I get to die in the end?
- Please, her death is just a ruse to trick her enemies,
Sorry, not sorry,
Spoiler alert!
I've had a lot of wine,
- I tried calling Audrey but she ain't answering,
- I just can't believe you're letting Gloria fucking Hole
ruin our busiest night of the year,
- Listen, not for nothing,
but Gloria doesn't have a whole lot of time left,
- Tony, this isn't a fucking hospice,
- How about you let me worry about my business
and you can worry about doing your little back flips
or whatever the fuck it is you do,
- Your business?
Let's talk about your business,
You haven't painted these walls in over a decade,
Your bar smells like a fucking venereal disease,
And unless you want one of those busted bitches collecting,
fix those fucking floorboards,
I told you this over a month ago,
My heels keep getting caught,
- Those floorboards have held up
bigger stars than you, Janet Fitness,
- Hello everybody, and welcome to the Aut Haus,
You are at the party of the year, the Masque 4 Masque Ball,
That's right, this is a the chance
for all you ugly ass motherfuckers to get laid tonight,
We have a fabulous show for you this evening
featuring some prime entertainment,
We have Janet Fitness,
Calm down, she's not coming out yet,
And we have the godmother of Providence
in the house tonight,
Give it up everybody for, you know her, you love her,
Rosebud Cianci,
♪ The sudden death of love ♪
♪ That laid my fellow to sleep ♪
♪ A fool that fellow must seem ♪
♪ To cry all night with me ♪
There she is,
Looks like Tony added a comedy act to my show,
- Yeah, well he thought it was time to give the people
something of substance,
- For your sake, Gloria,
let's hope that people don't give it right back,
For something new, something fresher,
- My beautiful He-Man shouldered sister,
You think you're gonna stay young forever?
Honey, every perfectly bleached asshole expires,
Do me a favor, nail that death drop for me later, will ya?
My God, Aut Haus, how the hell are ya?
My name is Rosebud Cianci
and I'm the mayor of this fucking club,
Let's welcome to the stage our next performer,
she is an old hole, but a familiar hole,
she is Gloria Hole!
♪ Hashtag ♪
♪ I swallow ♪
♪ Hashtag ♪
♪ I swallow ♪
♪ Give me your gravy daddy ♪
♪ Hashtag ♪
♪ I swallow ♪
♪ Hashtag ♪
♪ I swallow ♪
- Yes, grandma, fuck it up!
- See you next Tuesday, Gloria!
- Hey,
That was something different,
Something new for you,
You're a great queen,
Even if they don't get it,
You're a fucking legend in the city,
- Get the fuck out of here,
Get the fuck out of my dressing room,
I don't need pity from some fucking shot boy,
Just take your pity and shove it up your ass,
- Fuck you, you bitter old queen,
Jesus Christ,
- Is this that kid they're doing the benefit concert for?
- Yep, that's him,
- Same perp as the junkie?
- Maybe, although this, this is much more savage,
Shredding his meat and potatoes like that, fuck,
- Barry,
Okay,
- But what are you doing with the blood?
- They found another body,
Drag queen from the club,
Also drained,
- Well, it looks like we got ourselves
a serial fag killing vampire with a taste for blood,
- Good morning,
Hold on, baby, Mommy's just gotta tie her shoe,
Okay, here we go,
- Fuck you, Providence,
You grimy, tiny piece of shit,
- We don't wanna cause you any problems, Tony,
- I mean, a dead kid in your dumpster,
A dead student who was last seen at your club,
And now one of your drag queens was just found,
Look, whether you like it or not,
it looks like we've got a serial killer on our hands,
- All right, slow it down there, killer,
I paid you two twats a fuck ton of money
to make this go away and here you fucking are!
- Believe me, Tony, better the two of us
than our fucking lieutenant,
but we just can't keep sweeping bodies under Oriental rugs,
I mean, Pu-Pu's went out of business
after we dumped that junkie,
We'll do our best to keep your bar out of the papers
but we have to stake out here some nights,
- And we're gonna have to talk to your staff too
and check your security cameras,
- You want anything else?
My last two fucking fingers while you're at it?
This is a fucking shitshow,
- We'll be in touch, Tony,
- Yeah, yeah, go do your job,
Get the fuck outta here,
Come on,
♪ I've been needing ♪
- You know, this would probably be a lot better
with your shirt off,
- Here, take a look at this,
All right, so that's the university student right there,
- Who was he talking to?
- That bartender, Deshawn or whatever,
Look, so the university student says something to him,
- And whatever he said pissed him off,
- Yeah, and then watch this,
Right there,
- Something about him don't sit right with me, O'Hara,
- Yeah, but what's his motive?
- I don't know,
He's a psycho homo?
- Man, yeah, probably,
- Wait, what?
- Damn, he had great abs,
- Yup,
- Pumped and dumped?
- It looks like it, and from a single cut this time,
Our guy is getting better,
- What could one person be doing with all this blood?
- Well, who's to say it's one person?
What is your name again?
- I'm Tragedi,
- I understand that this is a very stressful time for you,
but for the record, we gotta know your name,
- I am Tragedi,
Do you know this kid?
- Yeah, I think I've seen him in here before,
- Did you know him personally?
- Well, his body just washed up on shore,
Completely drained of blood,
- Do I need a lawyer?
- And how well did you know Derrick Bangs?
- About as well as everybody else,
He was a gay for pay torso,
- Did he have any enemies?
- He made enemies nightly,
He was a go-go boy,
- That was not helpful,
- Your colleagues tell us you go by Gloria Troll?
- Yes, detective,
- And what can you tell us about Miss Audrey Heartburn?
- I can tell you he shaves his asshole,
- So you to have a sexual history?
No, I just know Tony likes 'em smooth,
- So Tony and her, him, have a sexual history?
- Let's just assume Tony and all of his employees
have the sexual history,
I think that he single-handedly
gave the entire city syphilis,
And by single-handedly,
I mean that lobster claw massacre he calls a limb,
Any more questions, detective?
- Jesus Saint fucking Christ!
Janet, what the fuck?
- People are talking, Tony,
Get the fuck out of my office,
- Pretty soon you might not have an office,
Four dead bodies,
You think people aren't gonna talk?
You bartenders are quitting,
The girls backstage are petrified,
If you ask me, your business is clicking
and it's clicking down,
- You've been tucking so long
you're on the fucking rag now,
- I've never done a split for an empty room
and I'm not about to start now,
- Baby, drag queens like you are a dime a dozen,
- Keep telling yourself that,
Pretty soon, all you'll have is dimes,
- Get the fuck out of my office,
- The body count of gay men continues to rise in Providence
as a dancer who is employed here at the Aut Haus
was found on Blackstone Boulevard suspiciously killed,
This gruesome murder could be the start of a string of-
- I was literally there last night
and you didn't even warn me?
- Brian, don't be so dramatic,
- Dramatic?
People at your bar are dead and that could have been me,
Dramatic, what's not dramatic about that?
Didn't that go-go boy reject you last week?
- Yes and I killed him in cold blood,
- Dwayne, I'm serious, it's fucking scary,
Do you even care?
- Brian, can we please change the subject?
It's been really stressful around the bar lately,
Everybody is paranoid and these detective seem to think
that one of us did it,
- You have a really amazing way
of making things about you, but yeah,
actually there is something I wanted to talk to you about,
- All right,
- I'm auditioning for a new role,
- Congratulations,
- Thank you,
um, it's this weird like alcoholic,
abrasive has-been character,
I was thinking about maybe asking Gloria Hole
maybe help me with some character tips and study,
- What role is this?
- Toll booth attendant two,
Fuck off,
But listen, this one's serious,
- Yes,
- Get a new job,
- Why?
- Because one, I don't want you murdered,
And B, or two, whatever, rent's coming up,
Toodles, please don't die,
- The tragic death of a Beige University student
has struck the community with a hefty blow,
We spoke with the student's mother earlier today,
- My son's killer is still at large,
I cannot sleep, I will starve myself
until I have answers,
And I will not stop using my blog until justice is served,
- There has been a total of four bodies found,
all drained of blood,
One was discovered in the dumpster
of a now closed Chinese buffet restaurant,
The other three all seem to have a connection to this club,
leaving the gay community to question their safety,
- It's like you can't even go out anymore
without getting killed,
We didn't just get gay marriage just to get murdered,
- You work at Aut Haus, right?
- Yeah,
- Weird shit happened with those bodies lately, man,
How's tonight going?
Do you wanna party?
- That's a little rough,
- Come on, try this,
- Go easy, man,
- Ms, Hole, I don't believe we've been properly introduced,
My name is Brian O'Hara,
- I'm Catholic,
- Thank you,
I understand your drag,
It's old Hollywood, it's sleepy, but just a little sleepy,
It's literally perfect for my character,
The thing is, it's the glamor,
It's the ballads,
It's what divas were all about,
And I mean, it is a little dated and stuff
but of course, the thing about drag is-
- Would you excuse me for a second,
I have to go finish getting ready for Bingo,
Absolutely,
I'm gonna sit here, review my lines,
then when you get back, maybe we could go a little bit more
in depth-ly into my character,
- So listen, you caught me at a bad time,
I gotta finish this fruit salad for Bingo,
- What do you think?
It's perfect, right?
I've been considering doing drag for a while now,
And it's like, I love the stage
and I fucking hate Janet Fitness,
That pretty fucking snake,
- Well, we have that one thing in common,
My God,
You could be my drag mother,
I could be one of those singing queens,
I'll need a song,
Something like,
♪ Why don't you dance to my heartbeat ♪
♪ It's the only rhythm ♪ that moves my feet ♪
♪ I remember bitter nights ♪ of cheap frustration ♪
♪ Undress me with your eyes ♪
What do you think?
My God!
I want your honest opinion,
- Captivating,
♪ Please love me again ♪
Bravo, bitch,
Fuck,
- You old bitch,
How do you even move so fast?
- Brian!
Brian,
Brian, do you have any more of those Percocets
for your vocal cord surgery?
Brian,
Brian?
- Fuck me, I need one more,
- Hey, I'm sure it'll be busier tomorrow,
- It God damn better be,
I warned that fat fuck that when all this got out
this would happen,
- I'm gonna take out the trash,
do you need anything before I go?
- Who are you?
- Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck,
There's 20 God damn people up there
on a fucking Friday night
all because these dead fucking losers,
Get off of me, I'm not in the mood,
You only wanna fuck when I'm angry,
You're not even a pup, you're a God damn mangy mut,
I'm going to the bath house to unwind,
Fuck!
- He's here somewhere,
Come out, come out, little twinkie,
Come out and play with mama,
Quick, play dead,
- Are you sure he's just not somewhere blowing off steam?
- Man, something ain't right,
With everything going on at the bar,
I think the fucking vampire got him,
- Does he have a place he'd go,
like a friend's or relative's?
- He doesn't have any friends,
- What the fuck am I supposed to do?
File a missing persons or call the pound?
- Wait, Tony, you have him chipped, don't you?
- You think that thing still fucking works?
- Chipped?
- Yeah, you got to keep these pups on a short leash,
you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, so call that company, get the coordinates
and we'll pick him up like we did last time
when he was in front of that immigration embassy,
Hi, this is Brian,
actor, performer, social influencer,
I'm not available to come to the phone right now
but if it's an emergency, call my agent,
I'm very available for bookings,
But you know what to do after the beep,
- So I called the operator
and told 'em it was a missing persons deal,
She rushed the numbers and then gave me these coordinates,
- So where's the dog?
- In North Providence on River Street,
You know who lives on fucking River Street?
- Who?
- Gloria fucking Hole, that's who,
- Why would your pup be with that sad, sad lady man,
- Fuck do I know, I'm not here to speculate,
Look, you two bring me be back my pup
and then bring me that shriveled potato of a tranny,
If she's behind all this shit,
and so much laid a finger on my pup
I don't want that wigged fruitcake to see a fucking trial,
- You got it, T,
- And detectives?
I've had a lot of boys in my life,
The boys, they come, the boys, they go,
but you two, you two have been like fucking sons to me,
Even you, Blueberry,
- That's great, Tony, that was real nice,
Those are some nice words you said right there,
- You could tell that came straight from the heart,
Now let's go get your best friend back,
- Bring me back the pup regardless of you know,
Yeah,
- Was he there?
Something's wrong,
What's wrong?
You look pale,
- Nothing's wrong,
I'm fine, I'm fine,
I just, I have a really weird feeling about tonight,
- Mercury's in retrograde,
- What's that supposed to mean?
- This could be it, kid, take your gun off safety,
- Fuck, fuck,
Fuck,
Shit,
- What kind of vodka do you want?
♪ I need a reason ♪
♪ How can I keep them ♪
♪ How should I treat them ♪
Have you seen Tony?
I found pup's vest outside and I think something's wrong,
I haven't seen either one of them all night,
Tragedi, Tragedi, hello!
♪ What about love ♪
- It's beautiful,
- Hello Aut Haus, how the hell are you?
My name is Rosebud Cianci
and I'm the mayor of this whole fucking joint,
Four more years,
- That's right, four more years
and four more years after that, motherfuckers,
Are you all having a great time
even despite that God damn vampire out there?
Anyway, our next performer coming to the stage
is a personal trainer,
It's kind of a cross between "Sweating to the Oldies"
and "Nine to Five,"
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Janet Fitness!
- She's so much prettier than me, it's not fair,
- You're fat, you're fat, you're fat and you're fat,
♪ Ooh they feel tight, ♪ you can play with them ♪
♪ Two left tits but you can find me ♪
♪ Kicking my heels up to the sky ♪
♪ My shoes are cheap, ♪ my feet are enormous ♪
♪ Other than that I'm ♪ death drop gorgeous,,, ♪
♪ Please love me again,,,, ♪
♪ Love me again ♪
♪ Crystal drops rain upon the floor ♪
♪ The surface left untouched ♪
♪ No distance from the chandelier ♪
♪ Sparks when lines are carved ♪
- Gloria?
- Pup, pup is that you?
- Tony, where the fuck are you?
I need to talk to you right now,
- Pup ran away!
I have nothing, nothing!
- Janet is, I think Janet's dead,
There's blood everywhere,
- Full house though?
How did we do tonight?
- Did you hear what I said?
Janet's fucking dead,
- Yeah, I heard what you said,
Real American tragedy, just bump Rosebud up to number one
and call it a fucking day,
- Fuck!
Pup, I'm so sorry,
I didn't mean to hurt you, little buddy,
Please come home,
Pup!
Pup, is that you?
Pup!
Pup, you had me scared half to fucking death here,
Woo, where you at, come on in,
Can't do that with my fucking angina,
Let's have a look here,
This fucking thing,
Kind of heavy here,
Pup, you're fucking crazy,
What the fuck is this?
My God!
You!
- Boo, it's the vampire,
- Not now, Tragedi,
Tony's in trouble and I think Gloria's
got something to do with this,
- Dwayne? - Yes, yeah,
- Where are you going tonight?
- Providence Bing Hall as fast as possible please,
- Ooh, okay, I'll take you there,
♪ Why don't you dance to my heartbeat ♪
♪ It's the only rhythm ♪ that moves your feet ♪
♪ I remember, I remember, I remember ♪
- What the fuck, does anything fucking work in this place?
Jesus Christ!
- I don't know what kind of Ouija board wizard
virgin sacrifice shit,
Shut the fuck up, Tony Two Fingers,
- Fuck is wrong with you, Gloria?
- You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that,
Open up, open up wide, a little role reversal for you,
Me shoving something in your fucking mouth for once,
Yeah,
Tony, Tony, Tony, you still don't get it, do you?
1984, your bar was raided every night by cops,
Do you remember that, Tony?
Do you remember when they bum rushed me on stage?
Did I ever stop singing?
Did I ever miss a note?
No, the show went on,
bloody faced and handcuffed,
You should remember,
I always finish my number,
This community used to have integrity,
It used to have heart,
And you - it's on,
You, you got fat, you got lazy,
While I busted my ass to get to the top
and now all these spoiled, sorry excuses for stars,
all they gotta fucking do is tuck themselves
one fucking Friday night, slap on some lipstick
and voila, they're a fucking drag queen,
Do you know these kiddie cunts
don't know how easy they have it,
Walking around Providence with no regard for the
real queens who sacrificed it all,
Have you ever thought about their shelf life?
These little show puppies of yours
pounding their vaginas into the ground,
You don't think that people are gonna get bored
of that same fucking rub-a-dub-step Vicki Manaj bullshit
every God damn night?
How long did I entertain your club for?
How long did I keep the people coming?
I built that stage from the ground up
and you, you,
you thought that I expired?
No, no, no, no, Tony,
I am forever,
My tuck is everlasting,
What, you ruined my moment just for that?
You want me to take that out?
Fine, I'll let you have one fucking plea,
- Gloria, that was a really nice speech you said right there
you know I get it, I get it,
I know where you're coming from,
The city's changed and it's fucking shit,
Well, no shit it's shit,
But I've been just playing the hand I've been dealt,
I've been dealt a lot of shitty hands in my life,
Look, I'm just a club owner,
All I could try to do was keep up,
I'd never betrayed you, Gloria you fucking know me,
Look, we can fix this,
We'll go back to the way things were,
You could have your, ya know, Saturday nights back,
You could have your Thursday nights,
Friday nights, hey, that's a fucking wild card
but we could work something out,
- Tony, Tony, Tony,
what's done is done,
You've already burnt this city to the ground,
Come on, Gloria,
No, I'm not finished,
Get me out of this fucking chair,
- Now, I'm just scattering the ashes,
- Gloria, Gloria, what the fuck are you doing?
Gloria, no,
Gloria, are you fucking crazy?
Are you fucking crazy?
No!
You crazy fucking bitch!
- Gloria, stop!
- Jesus, what the fuck!
You scared the living shit out of me, Tito,
What, what, you try to, you trying to save this fucking pig?
Well, I assume you're not here for Bingo,
- You don't have to do this,
You already got what you want, look at you,
You're young, you're beautiful,
- Thank you,
- You don't have to do this,
- What, and waste all this rejuvenating twink blood?
I don't think so,
I believe that you're out of your tit,
but do me a favor and do not,
I repeat, do not interrupt me again,
Besides, this is so much bigger than you, Tito,
- No, no,
- And before he gets away,
Tuesday nights are for fucking karaoke!
There's more!
- I knew it!
I knew all these missing people
had something to do with this,
Fuck, Gloria,
You were respected,
People worshiped you, they cared about you,
My friend Brian looked up to you,
- Brian?
Wait, you mean the off-Broadway atrocity?
Please, I did Providence Community Theater a favor
by offing that one,
- You killed Brian?
You killed Brian?
Yes, I did in fact,
the only sad part was that he ruined my favorite kimono,
- Fucking bitch!
- You know what I liked about you, Tito?
'Cause you knew how to pour a good drink
and you usually knew when to shut the fuck up,
You wanna kiss his ass so bad, why don't you eat it?
Open up, big boy,
Hi, Mom,
You were loved and admired by a lot of people
and you had a lot of men shave their balls just for you,
I'm so glad you're dead,
Tito, how cute, you missed,
- Fucking whore!
- Bottoms up,
You fucking kidding me?
- Up your ass,
Fuck, Tito!
It looks like your career's not the only thing that's dead,
- Do me a favor
and tell 'em Gloria said to go fuck themselves!
- You're a fucking monster,
- So was Tony,
So was Janet,
And I bet deep down inside,
you are too,
Now finish the God damn number!
- So boss, do think anyone will actually come?
This place hasn't seen a customer since that night,
- This time things will be different,
♪ I've been told so many lies by now ♪
♪ I hardly know up from down ♪
- Not for nothing, but I'm going to miss this
tiny, grimy, piece of shit city,
You don't need that,
I told you, it's a straight shot right up here,
So this is it?
Me and you forever on the lam, looking gorgeous?
- Well, we will need more blood eventually,
- I'm gonna need a fucking cigarette,
- Just think of the kills as maintenance,
- You know, if it is gonna be me and you,
you know, forever, I'm gonna need you to lighten up,
♪ Honey you would hardly recognize me ♪
♪ Cuz baby I'm a runner now ♪
♪ And if you saw me ♪ walking down the street ♪
♪ Honey you would hardly recognize me ♪
♪ Cuz baby I'm a runner now ♪
♪ Baby I'm a runner ♪
♪ Baby I'm a runner, now ♪
♪ Baby I'm a runner ♪
♪ Baby I'm a runner, now ♪
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Do I look like I was done with that?
It's over,
It's over, after 30 years,
It's finally over,
It's time to untuck,
Sell the gowns, sell the wigs, it's over, it's over,
- Maybe it doesn't have to be,
- Are you out of your tit?
♪ Honey you would hardly recognize me ♪
♪ Cuz baby I'm a runner now ♪
♪ Baby I'm a runner ♪
♪ Baby I'm a runner, now ♪
♪ Baby I'm a runner ♪
♪ Baby I'm a runner, now ♪