Trouble! Trouble! Trouble!
Trouble! Trouble! Trouble! Trouble! Trouble!
Trouble!
Mothers of River City,
heed that warning before it's too late,
Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption,
The minute your son leaves the house,
does he re-buckle his knickerbockers
below the knee?
Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger?
A dime-novel hidden in the corncrib?
Is he starting to memorize jokes from Captain Billy's Whiz Bang?
Are certain words
creeping into his conversation?
Words like--
like "swell"?
Trouble!
And "so's your old man,"
Trouble!
If so, my friends
You got trouble
Oh we got trouble
Right here in River City
With a capital T And that rhymes with P
-And that stands for "pool" -That stands for "pool"
-We've surely got trouble -We've surely got trouble
-Right here in River City -Right here
Remember the Maine
Plymouth Rock And the Golden Rule
Our children's children Gonna have trouble--
Kid, get over here,
Kid, get over here, Now,
Get over here, Hey!
Oh, yes we got trouble Trouble, trouble
Oh yes, we got trouble here We got big, big trouble
-With a T -With a capital T,,,
Cal, what's going on?
It's the Clements boy again, Hank,
Third time this week I've caught him
sneaking in for a freebie,
Leave him be, You ever see that boy's damn family?
Pity is not gonna keep the lights on, Hank,
Ronnie,
You see a boy running around here about your age?
Yeah, Pops,
He went that way,
Come on, Back to work,
Music Man, directed by?
Morton DaCosta,
First film was?
Personal favorite of your nana's,
-Auntie Mame! -That's my girl,
Hey!
Next time, I'm calling the police!
You hear me, kid?
I mean it!
You all right, young man?
-Yes, -Look at you, you poor thing,
Get in before you catch your death of cold,
Thank you,
Wrap yourself in this, dear, You must be freezing,
Thank you,
Now, you just tell us where home is,
and we'll get you back to your parents safe and sound, okay?
Anywhere but Derry,
Well, we're headed to Portland, so you hitched the right ride,
WNXE News Radio,
It's the top of the hour,
Here are tonight's top stories, Fresh reports tonight
out of Moscow of more underground nuclear tests,
Experts now warn the resulting radiation
poses a global risk with potential consequences
ranging from cancer to genetic mutations
resulting in highly unusual birth defects,,,
Dad, can we put something else on?
This stuff gives me the willies,
Willies? W-I-L--
Ray, not now,
He's going through a phase, He spells everything,
-L-I-E-S, -That's right,
Why don't you show our new friend what a good little speller you are?
Spell "bungalow,"
B-U-N-G-A-L-O-W,
Spell "symphony,"
S-Y-M-P-H-O-N-Y,
Spell "fuchsia,"
F-U-C-H-S-I-A,
Now, that's a ten-dollar word,
Spell "trouble,"
T-R-U,,,
T-R-O-A,,,
T-R-U,,,
T-R-O-U-B-L-E, you idiot!
-Be nice, Arlene, -I am nice!
When I wanna be,
There goes my little harlot,
Couldn't glue those legs together if you tried, I tell ya,
Reminds me of her mother,
I thought you said we were headed to Portland,
Spell "vasectomy," baby,
Can you use that in a sentence?
Your father got a vasectomy
right after he impregnated me again,
V-A-S-E,,,
Can you pull over, please?
,,,C-T-O-M-Y,
-Necrosis, -N-E-C-R-O-S-I-S,
"Kidnapping,"
There's a gas station up ahead,
-and I have to pee, -"Maggots,"
If we could just pull over, even for a second,
-,,,G-O-T-S, -"Cadaver,"
-C-A-D-A-V-E-R, -"Strangulation,"
No, no! Please, no!
,,,L-A-T-I-O-N,
-Let me out! -"Out," O-U-T!
-Let me out! -O-U-T! O-U-T!
O-U-T!
-O-U-T, -Let me out!
O-U-T,
O-U-T, O-U-T,
I'll handle the driving, son,
O-U--
-O-U-T, -O-U-T, O-U-T,
Looks like somebody else wants to get,,, O-U-T,
-O-U-T! -O-U-T! O-U-T!
-O-U-T! -O-U-T!
O-U-T!
-O-U-T! -O-U-T! O-U-T!
-O-U-T! -O-U-T!
He's beautiful, dear,
Isn't he, though?
Come here,
Come meet your family, sweetheart,
Look at my baby!
Shit!
Derry, huh?
I bet there's zero nightclubs in this town,
Probably not one decent Chinese restaurant,
Come on, Pauly, We survived Korea,
Pretty sure we can survive this,
Yeah, speak for yourself,
Major Hanlon, Captain Russo,
I'm Colonel Fuller, General Shaw's XO,
He asked that I greet you airmen personally,
How was the flight up?
-Smooth, -A little bumpy,
Excellent, gentlemen, This way, please,
Your skills and experience will be put to good use here, Major,
DAFB is one of only six SAC bases in the entire country,
Now, it might seem somewhat remote, but make no mistake,
As the northernmost continental United States Air Force base,
we are the tip of the spear,
Soviet airspace is a brisk seven-hour flight that way,
Straight over the Arctic Ocean and on till morning,
In other words, when the nuclear shit
hits the fan, we'll be the first call,
If, If the nuclear shit hits the fan,
I'm a bit of an optimist,
Yeah, I'm not,
Sir, what's that over there?
That's Special Projects,
Sounds special,
I understand you're only living on base temporarily, Major,
Yes, sir,
Renting a house in town, just waiting for everything
to get all set up, Should be finished by the time
my family gets here,
What, you don't want 'em to live near Uncle Pauly?
Thought I was family, huh?
Eight years living on base, I just think my missus is ready
for a little taste of normal,
Well, if normal is what you're after,
you two are going to love Derry,
Hey, Lills, you okay? Jeez, I'm sorry,
It's a bunch of fucking cretins, that's what they are,
I'm fine,
Guess I'll just stink like pickle juice until dinner,
Well, if you ask me, you smell delicious,
Bert the Turtle says, "Duck and Cover!"
So, my aunt said we can come on any weekend we want this summer,
Swell,
My cousin Ray said they have a bunch of parties
at the beach that are crazy,
They're supposed to be the ginchiest,
What? What are you looking at?
My eyes?
These new glasses make them look huge, don't they?
That optometrist is a sadist,
No, No, Marge, your eyes are fine,
-Sincerely, -You have to promise me,
because I'm not going through the rest of the year
looking like some bug-eyed freak,
It's hard enough to get Joey Navinsky to notice me
-as it is, -I mean, obviously,
we're not alone in the universe, right?
Did--
Did Loony Lilly Bainbridge just check us out?
-What? -I don't know, My point is,
what if the atomic age changed everything
and now we're a threat, which is why visitors from the red planet
-are already here, secretly? -In Derry?
Maybe that's what's going on over that air base,
Maybe they've got one of these things, like, on ice
that they're experimenting with,
You've been sitting too close to the TV again, haven't you?
My dad says those cathode rays will shrink your balls, man,
I saw seven C-133's land there in less than 48 hours,
Big, fat Cargomasters, Why?
What are they carrying? Think about it,
You didn't study for the test at all, did you?
What's the point when World War III is imminent?
Duck and cover, Teds, Duck and cover,
So, to keep you groovy kids grooving,
here's Hasil Adkins with "Chicken Walk,"
These are your men, Major,
Thank you, airman,
Afternoon, airmen,
Fall in!
Masters!
Look alive, men, Major on deck,
Ten-hut!
Major Hanlon, we've been expecting you,
It's an honor, sir, I'm First Airman O'Donnell,
This is the rest of 70th Squadron's MX,
First Airman Colton, Allard and Donahue,
Staff Sergeant Ricciardi,
and Airman Second Class Masters, sir,
Airman Masters,
Now, I am your superior commissioned officer,
so I expect to be accorded the respect of said rank,
Do I make myself clear?
I'll get you next time, brother,
Do we have a problem here?
Ten-hut!
No, sir, General Shaw,
Remind me, Colonel,
What's the penalty for a Code 89 violation?
Court martial, sir,
So, I ask you once again, do we have a problem?
-Walk with me, Major, -Yes, sir,
I apologize,
Not quite the welcome wagon we intended,
Why don't you swing by my office tomorrow around 1500 hours?
Get properly acquainted,
Yes, sir, I'll be there,
Take me back to the Q, airman,
So, you're sucking up already, huh?
Why do they make brassieres so pointy?
I mean, boobs aren't that pointy,
Are we supposed to believe
that under a sweater is just two pointy cones?
Are pointy cones better?
Teds, Miss Johanssen is about to take her bra off,
Her boobs are gonna be out,
What are you doing?
Homework, do you mind?
Here we go,
Ladies and gentlemen, we have lift-off,
Bet you five bucks those aren't pointy cones,
Damn it! Fucking Scotty did it again,
Right, so where were we?
So, what we've got is pretty good so far,
I was just thinking that, like, I know you're the story guy,
but when he comes to Earth,
it could just be, like, killing people,
tearing guys' dicks off with his tentacles,
or slurping their brains out through a straw?
Or I could shove a grenade up your ass and blow you up,
What's wrong, Teddy?
Today was four months,
Four months to the day since-- since Matty,
Yeah, man, So messed up,
Anyway, I'll keep working on the illustrations,
I'm trying to talk about Matty,
What's talking about it gonna do, bring him back to life?
They never even found a body,
Don't start this again,
That usually means he's a runaway,
He could have ran away,
-And why would he run away? -Gee, I don't know,
Maybe because he had just about no friends
in the whole wide world,
and the only ones he did have had to be paid
-to go to his birthday, -We weren't paid,
-Candy isn't money, Teddy, -Same thing,
His mom offered us that candy fair and square,
We were doing her a favor, a good deed,
We didn't even know it was his birthday,
Look, whatever happened to Matty
wasn't because we forgot his stupid birthday, okay?
None of this is our fault!
And whether you accept it or not, Matty's dea--
Matty, where are we going?
Trust me,
Just one more flight,
It's closed to the public, Has been for years,
But Phil and Teddy tried sneaking in one day,
They found out the caretaker doesn't bother locking
the joint up anymore, You believe that?
-So,,,
we turned it into a sort of secret hangout,
The view is beautiful up here,
Nuts, I always get rocket ship,
I got turtle, Trade you?
Sure, Turtles are lucky,
Hey,
don't tell the guys I brought you here,
Phil and Teddy, I mean,
We're not supposed to bring guests
without checking in with each other first,
It's not because I'm Loony Lilly Bainbridge?
You're not loony, Not to me,
What happened that day? With your dad,
Sorry, I shouldn't have--
My mom and I went to pick up my dad,
He worked at the jarring plant out on Willoughby,
You know, pickles and stuff,
We were leaving the factory when I realized
I'd forgotten something inside,
This mood ring I just bought at the five-and-dime,
It was just a cheap, stupid toy,
but he went back to get it,
And I don't know-- I don't know, one of the machines jammed up,
It wasn't even his station, but my dad,
he always wanted to help,
They said he climbed into the gears,
I guess he thought he'd killed the power, but--
When the foreman realized it was on another station,
it was too late,
If I hadn't made him go back--
You couldn't have known,
It was just a terrible accident,
Happy New Year,
Thanks for letting me talk about it,
No one else does,
Not Marge, Or the Pattycakes,
You're not like those girls,
Starting to realize that,
For better or for worse, I guess,
For better,
I'm sorry, That was stupid,
No, it's okay,
It's just that we're friends,
It's fine, really,
It is, I should head back anyway,
If my pop catches me out of bed at this hour, he'll--
I didn't mean it like that,
I gotta go,
Matty, wait!
Lilly,
Don't forget to lay your clothes out for tomorrow morning,
Remember?
We're going to visit your father at the cemetery,
If it's all the same, I don't think I'm gonna go,
It's been a year,
You haven't visited his grave even once,
I know, I'm just,,,
not ready,
You're not the only person to have something awful happen to them,
The sooner you realize that, the better,
Don't forget to take your medication,
Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground,
Shameless music that'll grab your son
and your daughter with the arms of a jungle animal instinct,
Mass'steria!
We got trouble, Right here in River City,
Trouble! Trouble! Trouble! Trouble!
Trouble! Trouble! Trouble! Trouble! Trouble!
Matty, is that you?
Where are you?
Matty, if it's you, if you can hear me,
just come home, all right? Just please come home,
He won't let me!
Matty Clements speaking to you through the pipes?
Just forget it,
And seeing as how you barely said one word to this kid
when he was alive, why is it that he's reaching out to you
from beyond the grave?
-Hi, Patty, -Hi, Margie,
Just a sec,
-Come here, -What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Making sure none of her friends hear you talking like this
because what you're saying is crazy,
And I don't mean to use that word,
-I don't-- -I know what I heard,
Listen to me,
We've only got two more months till summer,
Let's just get through them without giving everyone
something new to whisper about you,
About me or about us?
What's that supposed to mean?
It wasn't me,
Are you worried about what people will think of me
or what Patty and all of them will think of you because of me?
Jesus, Lill, I'm trying to be your friend,
but sometimes you make it really hard,
That's my point, Teds,
There has to be a reason why men have nipples,
Think about it,
Maybe it's like when we used to have tails and gills
and we just evolved out of it,
Or it's nature's way of telling us
that we're second in line to feed our babies
should anything happen to women,
Like aliens taking them back to their world,
When that day comes,
you and I are gonna be breastfeeding like crazy,
What are you doing here?
And how much of that did you hear?
I need to talk to you guys,
Talk to us? About what?
About how they found her dad's body parts in pickle jars all over Maine?
That's bullshit, It never happened,
He swore he'd keep his mouth shut,
We only brought him here, like, one time,
One time? Weren't you guys best friends?
It's complicated,
Okay, so you're positive it was Matty, right?
It was his voice, I'm sure,
I don't know what it means, I just--
I thought if anyone would care,
if anyone would believe me, it'd be you guys,
Don't tell me you're buying into this cock-a-doodle story,
You mean cockamamie?
It's both of those things, Okay? This story's insane,
Look who it's coming from,
I know, It sounds impossible, but maybe it's just improbable,
Teddy, for this to be true, Matty would have to still be alive,
And he'd have to know where every single one
of Derry's pipes start and end,
And the exact time that Lilly was about to take a bath,
And how to aim his voice down a certain pipe
so he could stick his little finger up there and wave hello to her,
Phil, you've explained one hundred ways how aliens have come to Earth,
Tracking our smells, pretending to be dogs,
-probing our anus, -"Ani,"
You've "proven" all of that to me,
yet you can't just believe
that Matty is trying to get in contact with someone he actually knows?
So, you do believe me?
Look,,,
Lilly, I want to, I'm trying to,
There's plenty of unbelievable things out there
that people believe, and I'm sure some of them are true,
I'm just not so sure about this one,
I can't believe you gave her your soda,
Come on in, Major,
I wanted you to know that Masters
is gonna spend the week on latrine duty,
And a citation is going on his permanent flight record,
I won't stand for that kind of horseshit on my base,
To less horseshit,
I understand you served under General Abbott in Korea,
As he tells it, you, Major,
are about the bravest, damn pilot he's ever met,
You flew a B-29 up MiG Alley into the teeth
of Soviet anti-aircraft fire at Sui-ho,
and made it back in one piece,
Almost one piece, sir,
And to be frank, I don't much like to talk about it,
Your injury?
Korea, sir,
And why is that?
Because we didn't finish the job,
Well, that's why we transferred you up here, Major,
To test our new B-52, and if necessary,
fly it straight into the heart of the enemy,
Finish what you started,
Why the Air Force?
I was raised on a farm,
We had a family friend that would come twice a month
to dust the fields, So, my father,
he wanted me to tag along, And I--
I just took to it, you know?
How about you, sir?
My dad,
Army man,
Fought in every American conflict from the Indian Wars to the Philippines,
‘til they shoved him behind a desk,
Only thing he loved more than his country was his family,
Told me the proudest moment of his life was when I signed up to be a Doughboy,
I can only imagine your father felt the same way,
He was proud, all right,
He used to always say there's nothing wrong
with this country that can't be fixed by what's right with this country,
I aim to prove him right, sir,
-Amen, -Amen,
My son, the bar mitzvah boy,
How's the haftarah studying coming?
Tastes good,
Something the matter, Theodore?
Can I ask you a weird question?
Sure,
Do you think somebody could kidnap a kid
and keep him underground?
-Underground? -What is wrong with you?
Yeah, just keep him there, in the sewers for months and months,
hurting him or,,,
I don't know,
Have you ever heard of something like that?
Your grandparents escaped Buchenwald,
their entire families murdered,
the skin of Jewish prisoners
used for lampshades,
What?
Lampshades,
We are Jews, Theodore,
We know better than anyone the real horrors of this world,
Reality is terrifying enough as it is,
Cut it out with the fantasy,
I can't believe we're related,
I'm next, right?
-So, now you believe me, -Listen, Lilly,
I've known this guy since first grade,
And I know when he's lying,
and he is not lying about this lampshade shit,
We have to tell someone,
-No one's gonna believe us, -What if we go to our parents?
If I tell anyone about all of this, I'll wind up right back at Juniper Hill,
Maybe you guys will be in there with me,
I can't go to the loony bin, Teddy,
I couldn't make it through goddamn sleepaway camp,
Okay,
We don't tell anyone,
until we figure out what really happened to Matty,
And how do we do that?
I think I might know where to start,
You see anything?
Teddy, did you know that there are more than
a hundred books in this library?
No way, More than a hundred?
And did you know that some of them have pictures
but most of them don't have pictures?
What is she doing here?
My folks couldn't find a sitter, okay?
And did you know that when you take out a book,
you have to sign your name? I can sign mine in cursive,
Miss Carmel says I have the best handwriting in the class,
Phil,
Hey, Suze, I need a really good handwriter
to help me with finding a book,
It's called Bucket Full of Muffins,
I'll do it,
She'll never find it,
Wait, there it is,
They thought it could be a runaway initially,
but when he never turned up anywhere else,
they presumed homicide,
That means murder,
They thought it could have been Matty's dad,
Could have been a drifter, but they never found anyone,
"According to police sources,
the boy was last seen the night of January 4th
at the Capitol Theater by the daughter of a theater employee,
an unidentified 12-year-old girl,"
Who's that?
Matty Clements?
Jesus Christ, get the hell out of here!
-Get out!
What? What did we say?
Do you know how many times the police came round
about that boy? Trying to fix it on my pops?
Did your newspaper article mention anything about that?
I really only skimmed, so--
Just leave!
Can we go get a shake now?
See, I told you guys this was a bad idea,
chasing a song you heard in the fucking sewers,
What did you say?
It was a song,
I heard Matty singing it a couple nights back,
From the drainpipe in my tub,
You heard him too?
I don't know if it was Matty, but I did hear voices
in the basement of the Capitol, in the pipes,
Kids laughing, crying, calling my name,
What song was he singing?
The new B-52, G-class, They transferred you up here to fly it,
If you wanna walk out of here alive, you're gonna give us the specs,
Speed, range, flight ceiling, payload, arms, everything,
Understand?
I'd understand you better if you took off that mask,
The specs, Now,
It's classified,
This isn't a fucking game,
The specs, or I pull the trigger on the count of three,
One,
Two,
You're gonna have to pull that trigger,
-Leroy! -Yo, Lee, what's going on?
Lee, open the door!
Open the door! Yo, Lee, what's going on in there?
Open the door!
Lee, open the fucking door!
Get the fuck out of here!
Yeah, that's what I thought,
Saved your ass again,
-Fuck you, Pauly, -Who the fuck were those guys?
I don't know,
Jesus Christ,
How's my hair?
It's still greasy,
So, where the hell are we going?
You want me to tell you or you want me to show you?
Tell, One hundred percent tell,
The song Matty was singing comes from the movie The Music Man,
We should have another print up in the storage room,
And why do we wanna watch this stupid thing?
I hate musicals,
Because maybe Matty was trying to tell us something,
Holy crap, it's dark in here,
Guys, isn't this breaking and entering?
We didn't break anything, It's just entering,
-Don't be such a baby, -Guys, stop,
Let's just sit,
Just a second!
Loading up The Music Man!
Teds, is that you?
-Is he crying? -What? No,
Shut up, you guys,
Lilly, are you okay?
Yeah, No, I'm fine, I'm just,,,
,,,thinking about Matty and what happened,
and what I could have done different, and--
Well, he needed me,
And instead, I just sent him away,
Then he was gone,
What we did was worse,
Maybe if we'd been there like we said we would
at his birthday, maybe things would be different,
It's nobody's fault, okay?
Teds, it's not your fault, Lilly, it isn't your fault either,
We're here now, That's what matters,
So just stop it, okay?
Are you crying?
What? No, I'm not crying,
Nobody's crying,
,,,with Sen-Sen One fine night
They leave the pool hall
Heading for the dance At the Arm'ry
Libertine men And scarlet women
And ragtime Shameless music,,,
With the arms
Of a jungle animal instinct, mass'steria!
Friends, the idle brain Is the devil's playground
-Trouble -Oh, we got trouble
Right here in River City
With a capital T And that rhymes with P
-And that stands for "pool" -That stands for "pool"
-We've surely got trouble -We've surely got trouble
It's the song, That's the song I heard,
Figure out a way
To keep the young ones Moral after school
Our children's children Gonna have trouble
Trouble, trouble, trouble
Mothers of River City
Heed that warning Before it's too late,,,
Creeping into his conversation
-Words like -Trouble, trouble, trouble
-Like "swell"? -Trouble, trouble, trouble
And "so's your old man"?
Trouble, trouble, trouble
If so, my friends, You got trouble
Oh, we got trouble
-Right here in River City -Right here in River City
With a capital T And that rhymes with,,,
Matty?
-We've surely got trouble -We've surely got trouble,,,
Wait, what? What's going on?
How is he in the goddamn movie?
What's happening? How is this possible?
-Can he see us? -Matty!
-Is he listening? -Matty!
Matty, we're over here! Matty!
-Matty! -Hey!
-Follow our voices! -Matty! Wait,
-Yes! Come on, Matty! -Yes! Yes, Matty, that's it!
-Follow our voices! -We're right here! Keep going!
Matty, yes!
Yes, that's right! Yes!
Matty, come on!
Lilly? Teddy?
-Yeah, it's us! -Come on!
Matty, come on, we're gonna get you out!
No, you won't,
You're the reason I'm in here,
'Cause you lied,
'Cause you weren't there,
What's happening?
What the hell is that?
-Where did it go? -What the fuck is that thing?
I told you weird shit was going on over at that airbase!
They made a giant, fucking mutant baby!
Come on, Susie!
Go, go, go! Susie, come on! Run!
Come on!
No! No!
Susie!
Lilly!
Come on!
Here you go,
Give me your hand,
Lilly! Lilly!
Lilly!
Lilly! What happened?
They're all gone, -No,
What do you mean they're all gone?
What happened?