THIS FILM WAS MADE BEFORE THE FULL-SCALE RUSSIAN INVASION OF UKRAINE
KYIV 2021
Whoa! Well, slowpoke,
you haven't even been married yet and you're already so slow,
I grew older by a few years, waiting for you,
You know, bike dude, why don't you hurry up a bit slower?
Hurry up slower,
Look, you've had enough fun riding that Porsche, A bet is a bet,
Whoever gets married first gives away his wheels,
You bought the wedding ring,
and now you have to hand over your keys, Oleh,
Listen, Pete,
aren't you fed up with our endless childish bets?
- Alright, let's see who gets further? - Piece of cake!
Who can hang longer?
The whole onion?
All of it!
And what do I get?
- Tetris! - Piece of cake!
Uh! No, no, I was joking, My dad just bought it for me,
Help, Peter Pan has gone mad!
The excuses are starting?
Here we go: a special Ukrainian cheapskate, am I right?
Look here, old chap,
What on earth do you need that Porsche for?
A ringed man has to think about a family station wagon
to fit the baby car seat and transport the mother-in-law's plants,
Here, choke on it!
I'll buy two new ones, got it? By the way, something's wrong with the engine,
Really? You're scaring a porcupine with your bare ass,
As the owner of a chain of car repair garages, I'll handle it,
All right, park my fleet,
We're going to have a grand party!
The owner of a car repair garage,
A car repair garage emperor!
I want to drink to true men's entertainment,
Let's drink to fishing,
- To working out, - To football,
- To saunas, - To car racing,
To safaris instead of Egypt with her mother,
- To freedom, - You make me sick!
Petro, you've been walking this earth for over 30 years
and still haven't learned that family life
does not cancel out fun but actually adds to it,
But our pathological bachelor will never be able to find out about this,
Why so? Because you can't,
Can't? Can't,
You can't, You can't, You can't,
Wait, stop, stop, What do you mean "I can't",
You can't be with one woman for more than a single night,
You can't,
Hello idiots, don't go too far, It's that I don't want to -
those are different things,,,
With a normal one, friend, and not with one of these hooker types,
Can't do it?
For who? For me!?
You can't, I can see it, Forget it,
- Boys, it's a piece of cake! - Piece of cake?
Well then let's bet on my Porsche, then I can win it back,
You want to win your Porsche back, I understand, but what's in it for me?
- Yeah, what's in it for him? - Yeah, what?
You sly old Peter Pan, Lay off!
Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!
If Oleh loses,
he gives all of us foot massages in the sauna!
No problem!
And never call me Peter Pan again,
How long do I have to spend with the chick?
- Two days? Three? I'm ready for five, - No, no, no, Pete,
You are so big but so shallow,
Let's do a month,
- What? - A month, Handshake?
Even a leg shake! Let's go, boys, make it official,
I'm already dead and in hell,
but instead of screams I hear the bloody doorbell,
Hell is on its way,
My sister Veronika is moving in with you tomorrow, Remember?
This bet is going to be the end of you,
Your younger sister?
Damn, the bet,
She left her husband, you know,
but I can't bring my sis to my place,
my Yasya will kill me, you see?
How did I fall for this?
But, man, you've got enough space even for a horse race,
You got drunk and fell for it,
Veronika it shall be, Cheers!
Go, go, your new neighbor must be waiting,
Good morning,
Hello,
The little one really has grown a bit, Veronika?
I would rather kiss this frog than your chubby tattle tale sister,
I bet you won't kiss it, You can't do it,
Piece of cake!
Yes, Petro, it's me,
Sorry for waking you up,
Your highness,
Coffee, tea, or pickle juice?
Your sense of humor remains the same,
Unique?
Yes, I doubt someone could repeat it,
Very original place,
A humble bachelor shack,
By the way, I'm very grateful,
it's been a very difficult time in my life,
Good day, Veronika,
I know,
This is,,,
Lana,
Yes, Lana, My housekeeper,
And my shift is over, By the way, his mop is lame,
So, why are we standing there? Who are we waiting for?
Our bedroom is over there,
Just kidding, Come in wherever Feng Shui takes you,
Thank you for helping us out, we,,,
Please, don't start,
my head is still ringing after the last night,
Look, once I'm feeling a bit better, then I'll come
and make you feel a bit better with eclairs and champagne,
House warming party, after all, neighbor,
Tea is like in Thailand,
God, don't remind me about Thailand,
What's up? What's up? What's up?
So, did little sister Veronika move in?
What can I say, boys?
Ugly, right? I thought so,
Well come on, show us, Is she cross-eyed? Show us some pics,
Take that, morons!
What, a hot Mary Poppins, eh?
Reminds me of my geography teacher,
Agree, Right hemisphere, Left hemisphere,
What an intelligent face! And the cheeks,
Petro hasn't seen her face yet,
Listen, I'm ready to live this family life for a month,
Thanks for this, Oleh!
Hey, hey, hey, Watch it, buddy,
Hey, what's up? You settle such a chick into my sexodrome,
- and I'm supposed to declare celibacy? - No promises, no forgiveness,
everything happened by itself,
Right, hello, idiots, that's my sister,
She's not your mother,
Petro, what did we bet on?
Right, that you survive under one roof with her,
but nobody mentioned sex, Although, you know,
you're definitely not her type,
Veronika, I'm home,
What?
Uncle Petro!
Children, children, what's with the manners?
Come here and let's try again: good day, uncle Petro,
Good day, uncle Petro,
- I'm Marta! - I'm Marko!
They heard a lot about you and didn't expect you back so soon,
I wasn't expecting to be back either, Are they yours?
Mine!
Wow! I was only away for half a day,
Listen, I dressed "yours" up a bit,
Is that OK? Kids,,,
Hello,
Greetings, bro,
You didn't say that she would be coming with extra luggage,
Nobody promised that it would be easy,
Listen, Mr, Promise,
I didn't sign up for this,
You told me about one chick, I emphasize - one, and not an entire scouts camp,
So, the bet is off, That's a violation of the agreement,
That's it? Did you calm down?
No, I didn't calm down,
You didn't calm down? Then let's call the guys
and let them decide whether this is a violation or not,
Greetings, arbitration court,
So tell me, isn't this cheating? What did we agree to?
One month with a woman and then Oleh becomes my Thai massage woman, right?
Yes, exactly,
And if you lose, you return the hot rod to Oleh,
Yeah, I remember about your hot rod,
but the chick didn't show up alone,
- Who did she come with!? - There's a few of them! I want the blonde!
Quiet! Stop annoying me,
She's showed up with extra luggage, Double extra,
Oh, oh, kids,
Therefore, it's over, The bet is off, Evacuation begins,
Oleh, get rid of your refugees,
On the other hand, wait, there's just one chick, right?
That's right, And her "luggage" is a part of her,
When someone brings a car to your garage,
you don't empty the trunk, do you?
- No, you don't, - So, don't leave the chick,
Hello, dumb asses,
maybe you can stop calling my sister a chick?
No, no, no, we're just saying it figuratively,
And figuratively your little sister is not bad, quite sexy!
Although we only saw her rear bumper,
Hey, idiots, I'll give you such a rear bumper that you'll be
forced to shove your tailpipes into your gas tanks,
Right, Petro, decide:
either you continue or you admit that you can't do it,
Quiet, yes, I can,
I'll make it through this mommy with her little brats,
But there is one "but",,,
What else?
If they take off earlier, then I win?
Well, basically, yes,
A technical victory,
So hey, good luck, Peter Pan!
My feet are already waiting for you, Oleh,
What's with the Disneyland in my loft?
We just added some color,
so it won't be so gloomy,
Gloomy?
Yes!
It's only gloomy here in the morning!
At night it's a real Las Vegas, wow!
Yes, I swept a few gaming chips out of your corners,
Oh, I didn't know people eat stuff like this,
Children, come and eat,
Hurray!
Will you join us?
Diet table number 6, Thanks, but I don't eat hospital food,
Which one should I eat? This one or that one?
Mom, can we have some eclairs?
Sweets at night?
Of course not,
We don't want to ruin our teeth, right?
And, besides, they're packed with trans fats,
Which the body can't get rid of,
Very, very tasty trans fats,
Salted caramel flavor and strawberry,
But you keep eating your broccoli, you heard your mom?
Hello, I need to tie my horse, who's in there?
Wait, I'll be fast, 15 minutes,
The bigger they are the harder they fall,
- Give it back, it's mine! - I won't,
I said: right now,
Stop ordering me around, baby boss!
Hey, I don't get it, hello!
What kind of bubble party is this?
What? Is that my $100 bottle of Dior?
We had to wash our duck,
It was in the sandbox today,
Give that to me!
Your ducky says "Goodbye", Quack-quack,
Quiet!
What's going on here?
The aquarium overflowed its banks
and my Dior went down the drain,
Do they always bathe like a herd of drunk beavers from Zhytomyr?
- How could you take other people's stuff? - Yeah,
You are punished: two poems from Sosura, three from Tychyna,
The tractor in the field goes "wroom" For peace we vouch
Mom, he drowned our duck,
Our car will be here in four minutes, A Skoda Fabia,
Skoda Fabia?
Maybe we should take the subway instead?
Couldn't you order a premium-class car?
I did, Yasya, my dear, I did,
There just weren't any available cars,
Whatever was available is what crawled to us,
And when is our Porsche going to crawl to us?
Soon, soon, soon,
I'm waiting for one part to come from London, It's taking forever,
But as soon as it comes, I'll pick it up from the garage,
A part?
The little Porsche,
Yes, Oh, and here is our Skoda,
What the hell is this?
Alright, little ones, get out of here quickly,
This is my relaxing room, Children are forbidden here,
This is our playroom,
It's my playroom,
Do adults play?
You bet!
Do you like playing cops and robbers?
One of my girlfriends likes to play that game, Hand it over!
What game is this for?
That's Cossacks and Robbers,
Have you ever seen a Cossack without a whip?
Where are your dolls?
They're on holiday for a month,
Hand it over, I said,
Basically, our wigwam didn't fit in mom's bedroom,
Uncle Petro, do you mind if we sleep here?
I mind,
Turn off the lights before our mother gets home,
We're supposed to be sleeping by now,
Damn it, I have nowhere to go in my own home!
Damn all these drunk bets in this city,
Kitten! Coo-coo from Paris!
Talk to me,
I really want a new iPhone,
Hey cutie, Meow!
Look what's waiting for you,
And a bit lower?
I can go even lower,
At least something enjoyable today,
My plane arrives at Boryspil airport in Kyiv, early in the morning,
Wait for me with my favorite croissants,
Listen, kitten, I'm busy tomorrow,
What? Did you forget?
Tomorrow we're having a "fucking" day,
Baby, I'm having a "fucking" month here, sweetie,
Wow! The kids are finally sleeping,
Shall we celebrate the housewarming?
- Hold these, - Welcome,
What a beautiful view from your penthouse, wow!
I see that you've become a successful businessman,
Having your own chain of car repair garages is pretty big,
But there's nothing odd about that, you've always had hands of gold,
I remember how you used to fix all the bicycles on our street,
There you go, junior, Ride!
Are you sure it works?
Maybe we can test it out?
Test what out? Whether my hands grow out of my ass?
Piece of cake! Irka, get on,
I also fulfilled my dream -
I graduated from the Conservatory,
But then I got married,
had children and didn't work a single day
because of that tyrant and psychopath,
I lived with him for eight years,
And now I'm holding online music lessons
and I dream to one day,,,
Listen, I'm not a very good psychologist,
If you need to tell someone about your troubles,
then I can give you a phone number of a professional,
No, thanks,
Thank you for letting us live with you for a little,
I will definitely find a job soon
and we will free you from our presence,
Woah! Let's drink to that, babe!
Uncle Petro, let's learn some poems,
Uncle Petro, make us some porridge,
Check my math,
Make me a braid,
Buy me a toy,
Read us a book,
Wipe my bum, I took a poo,
Quiet!
You jerk! And I thought I rang the wrong door,
Bunny, I mean, kitten, please, wait!
Mom, a poor lady came knocking at our door!
Yes, very poor, totally naked,
poor thing, she didn't even have the money for clothing!
Right, kids, don't worry, that lady definitely knows
how to make money to buy clothing,
Little demons,
What did that lady bring?
What did the lady bring? They're some kind of pills!
What do they cure?
Having kids,
Let's go! March to your mother,
Damn kids!
I won't give it!
Give it to me!
- Enough! - Let go! I don't want!
I'm telling you, enough,
Shit! Where did you all come from?
Hey, bro, how's life?
How do you married losers survive, eh?
How? Hey! You can just be honest and admit your defeat,
no one will judge you,
Listen, don't you want to take the kids to your place?
They're your niece and nephew, after all,
Your Asya can practice,
No, no, no, No way, man,
Look, either you get the woman fully equipped,
or you admit that you lost, and I get the Porsche!
Go to hell without your Porsche!
Get ready to get the jojoba butter scrub for my feet!
Ok, ok, man, stop crying,
Tonight, the guys and I are going to come over and watch football at your place,
Veronika is going to an interview tonight
and asked me to look after the kids, since she doesn't trust you,
Oh, Yasya is calling, bye,
Oh, Yasya's calling, my love, my love,
You're henpecked!
Freedom, freedom, soon!
Old man, you can do it, I believe in you,
E is for experience!
M is for morons!
Please give me a minute,
Sorry, can you turn it down?
I've got a music lesson,
real music: Mozart, Vivaldi, Bach,
- Hm, Bach? - Yes,
Look: Bach, Bach, Bach, one more, Bach,
Bach, Bach, Bach!
This is my house and I'll listen to whatever I want,
Sorry, excuse me for a moment again,
Isn't her cacophony unbearable?
Is it fair to poison me with this music in the twenty-first century?
Sorry, I have a lesson, and this person just can't understand
how exactly we call the trash
he's been listening to his entire life,
Hi neighbor, I didn't know you got married,
No, no, no, old man, she's not my wife,
I'm just the neighbor,
Veronika,
Castro?
Kind of,
- Hammer, - What?
Lend me a hammer,
He gave Gordon a hammer,
Finally, the electricity was turned on,
Don't worry, we dressed up all of your naked ladies,
And we didn't have enough men
so we found some in your box over there and cut them out,
Look how beautiful it is!
You cut them out, you say?
We didn't just cut them out,
we also played "border guards" and put visas in your passport,
Here,
Oh, you damned kids!
I'm going to give you visa-free travel right now,
Illegal immigrants! I'm going to deport you,
So, she tells me, "You're going to be my first,"
And I say, "Aha, if you count from the end,"
Interesting, what's with our bachelor?
Has he given her a red rose?
- What? - Well, has he banged her or not?
I'll bang you so hard that your muzzle falls off,
Choose your words carefully, she's my sister,
Artilleryman,
Guys!
Family life has really flattened you out, yeah?
Right, don't confuse me with Oleh,
He's a pussy whipped family man,
while I am a free wolf in my own home,
Welcome,
Come on, come on,
- Hello, - Oh, sister, hello,
How are you getting along with this goblin, is he offending you?
No way, brother, your friend is pure gold,
He's so responsive, with good taste and the kids adore him,
They're not kids, They're angels!
Are you sure that you'll put them to bed so that I won't worry?
Yes, everything is under control,
Uncle Oleh will handle everything,
Hello, by the way, Have a good evening,
Good luck,
The sister is pretty sexy,
Right, shut up,
Never mind that, guys,
you're about to meet her full demonic luggage,
Good evening, dear gentlemen,
Hey, little ones,
Does she beat them hard?
Kids, these goodies are for you,
No, no, Thank you,
Factory-produced sweets contain trans fats that can cause cancer,
She not only beats them, she also starves them,
Poor kids!
Come on, come on!
- He scored! - He scored!
Look, they want some, but their mother forbids it,
Here's a tip: don't eat yellow snow,
What are you looking at?
Actually, we are waiting for the first signs
of metabolic disorders, obesity and heart attacks,
Oh, it already started,
Quiet!
Yes, kitten, Nothing, just watching football,
Henpecked!
Tell him, "Hey, junior," And he'll say, "What?"
And you say, "That's what!"
Hey, junior!
Yes, sir,
Damn,
Oh, say "rascal",
Rascal?
Your father is a "Maskal",
Not a "Maskal" but a Moskal,
You should read Taras Shevchenko,
Listen, your niece and nephew aren't bad,
they're quite smart, real wonderkids,
You also used to be smart at school, but look what's become of you!
That's how it is, kids,
Oh, it's nine p,m,,
the kids have to sleep,
Will you tell me a bedtime story?
All clear,
You kids were amazing tonight,
Okay, special agents, give me a report on how things are going,
Everything goes according to the plan,
We poured his colognes down the sink,
ruined his passport so he wouldn't flee,
threw a water balloon at him off the balcony,
Found his dollars in a hiding place and destroyed them,
Oh wow, how much?
A few thousand, That was my initiative,
Fantastic, right on!
The plan to save planet Earth from the mutant is in good hands,
- Everything for humanity, - Exactly, for humanity,
Uncle Oleh, are you sure he's a mutant?
He seems to be a normal man,
Are you kidding, he's pretending to be normal,
but he really is a mutant,
I've got additional weapons for you,
secret stuff, new generation,
Hide it until the time is right,
And now sleep, sleep, sleep,
Are we really going to get gifts at the end of our mission?
You bet! Eternal glory and the best gifts, just as we agreed,
Petro, we're off to school, Bye,
Goodbye, uncle Petro,
Have a nice day,
Yes,
Damn beer,
Eat worms!
You little bastards!
May a dog lick your lips, goddamn!
Greetings,
Petro, what is that? Some sort of beauty procedures?
How much does it cost and when does the effect disappear?
Our machoman found himself a tattoo master,
And I see pigs are the trend now,
This belly of yours is a pig trend,
You're a bit aggressive, Pete,
are they not feeding you well at home?
Everything is fine at home,
- Got it, The neighbor, - She,
She really annoys you?
Nobody annoys me, Everything is fine,
Easy, easy, Petro, Breath, Relax,
I am calm! Like a Shaolin Monk,
Let's just play, In silence,
Play, Petro, play,
Looks like little Pete isn't having fun,
Maybe I should rent out Veronika and her kids?
So that they take care of my neighbor at the cottage,
Total asshole but he has a really nice piece of real estate,
Poor Petro, he really needs help,
So let him speak with my Violetta,
Why else did I pay for her Instagram psychologist courses?
Yeah, all the hot chicks used to want to become models and TV anchorwomen,
now they want to become coaches and shrinks,
Psychologist,
Have you ever had someone hit you on the head with a condom?
Well, uh,,,
How about gluing a pig to your face?
No, it never happened,
They came, seized my territory, annexed half of my apartment
and now even the water disappeared,
You want to talk about it,
Destroyed my bucks, ruined my passport
and in front of their mother they say,
"Gee, that's not us, we weren't there,"
Damned little green men!
I understand everything,
You're emotionally drained,
And what does your inner child tell you about this?
My inner child is bloody well silent right now
and kicking the asses of those devils,
Who the hell is it?
And now, joining my inner child, is my outer mother!
Your mother, is it that bad?
Of course, my mother is bad,
because her hobby is driving people crazy,
She can run anyone out of this world,
She can run anyone out of this world?
Mother, mother, that's good,
Hello, mommy, I am so desperately waiting for you!
Would you like some borsch?
Have you already tried it?
- Don't be afraid, - Yeah,
Listen, Petro, I have a little proposition,
Yes,
The day after tomorrow, the children have a concert at school, a talent contest,
but unfortunately I have my final interview
at the choir at the same time,
And it's so important that there's no way I can change it,
Yes, yes, yes,
We definitely won't be able to make it to the concert,
I wanted to ask for your help, to drive the kids there, please,
I'll arrive a little bit later,
The borsch tastes just like my mom's,
Thanks for the compliment,
By the way, speaking of my mom,
she is coming tomorrow,
Your mother?
Madame Vasilina, who half the town was scared of?
Exactly!
So, okay, I'll cover you with your little brats, if you wish,
and drive them to school but there is one "but":
would you cover me for my mother?
She and everyone in Chortkiv are annoying me
asking why I'm still not married,
Even a priest visited me asking whether I'm not one of those "interesting" people,
So, if I understood you correctly,
you want me to pretend to be your girlfriend?
Not my girlfriend, but my wife,
And not to pretend but to be convincing, so that my mother
and her congregation will leave me alone,
Do we have a deal?
OK, it's a deal, but you're driving my kids to the contest,
Of course, Are you sure you want me to bring them back?
See! We got here in two and a half hours, loser,
With you driving we would have been crawling around
for a year, like a pregnant turtle!
Here's a tip,
How long can I do everyone's job?!
Oh, right, and take your jukebox and remember:
if I said the music is bad, it's bad,
I have to do everything by myself! By myself!
That's it, She's gone!
- Thank God, she's gone! - Let's go,
Mom!
Pete, my dearest son, Pete!
Pete!
Oh, Petro, why are you so skinny?
Don't you eat anything?
Are you on a diet? My dear! How shameful!
There was this one guy who was always on a diet, he died, He was so light
that he only needed two people to carry his casket to the grave,
You must get married so that your wife cooks dumplings for you,
Mom, I'm so happy to see you,
Let me take your bag,
What's this?
What, am I not capable of lifting my own bag?
Your mother is so old she can't lift her own bag any longer,
Mother is old, mother is disabled, it's over,
I understand, the years go by like the dumb people go to court,
Mother,
Don't "mother" me! And now mother is old and stupid,
Mother, you're not stupid,
Well, of course, I'm not stupid,
Son, look what mother has done for you, I think about you with my soul,
Look, what a fine girl,
and a real mother goose,
She'll give birth to three kids as easy as spitting them out,
Or this one, Look, it's Mike's daughter, Mike who lives across the river,
Don't make faces, I know she's not the best,
but Mike's the mayor for now and later,
This one made her own career, head of the customs department,
Yes, a bit old at 26 years of age,
but the head of the customs department!
Good morning, Madame Vasilina,
Eternal glory to God!
Mother, this is Veronika,
Where does she know me from?
From childhood, I'm Oleh Pavliv's sister, Do you remember?
Daughter!
All the best to you!
I got scared, I thought you were a tax inspector,
Daughter, how you've grown, you lost weight, you look good,
What brings you here?
Because in Chortkiv we thought that you are like
all the other normal people and went to Poland to get a job,
And what are you, Veronika,
Oleh Pavliv's sister,
doing in my son's house at such an early hour?
What, are you both living together,
like husband and wife,
in sin!
I'll make coffee for everyone, okay?
I like mine with cognac,
- Good morning, - Good morning,
And Valerian drops,,,
Don't tell me that these are my grandchildren!
Madame Vasalina, please meet my kids from my first marriage,
Only from the first?
I hope you don't have any more from your other marriages?
- I'm Marta, - I'm Marko,
Just don't tell me that Sashko, Demko and Levko are going to jump out at me?
OK, kids, you've met and that's enough, Now it's time to go,
We've got our morning ritual, Let's go before it gets too hot out!
Where are you going?
As always, to the playground,
Our morning workout is our everything,
Let's go, let's go, It'll be fun, Tell them,
He's so,,,
caring,
What's that? A cemetery for dirty plates?
It's a dishwasher,
Dishwasher?
We can't wash anything with our tender little hands anymore, can we?
Just trying to waste Petro's electricity!
Come on demons, go crazy,
Got it,
Hello, why are you sitting there like grannies in the park?
What else are we supposed to do here?
Play,
Play with what? It's boring here,
You two are boring, You're outside,
You're outside,
When I was a kid, we would beat poison ivy with a stick
and it was so much fun, But you guys have these
fantastic carousels! So, come on!
They're just metal bars, What's so fun about them?
You're really quite something, the Instagram generation,
Tik-Tok, Instagram is for the elder people,
Elder?
I'll show you elder people,
Look here,
these are called homemade cutlets, Petro loves them,
Real homemade pies,
You can smell the aroma of the dough,
Homemade potato pancakes,
A wife should be able to cook them,
Cabbage rolls, Every wife must know how to make them,
Pigs ears the way Petro likes them,
Smell the aroma!
I can see that with a homemaker like you my child is going to waste away,
Let me see what's going on in your fridge,
Sweet Jesus, save my child from an ulcer,
What kind of a clown's cap is this?
It's a Moroccan dish - Chicken Tajine,
What, you have a Tajik cooking chicken for you?
No, I cook it myself,
And this, what is it?
This is Chia seed pudding,
You can feed the chicken with your seeds but not my son!
I don't seem to remember you asking for my permission to empty the fridge,
My dear mother,
as if I'm going to ask you about that fridge,
You can feed rabbits with this grass, but not my only child!
Because from this kind of food
Pete will have grass growing out of his rear end,
Here's is your salad,
chia, and your Tajiks!
Lord, this is healthy food
and not your fried fat stuffed with fat,
You bandit! You came here with your luggage
and you're cooking up spells against my child,
I have not cooked up spells against your child!
You're a mother of fatherless orphans!
You also raised your son without a father,
Look and learn, little guy,
Some woman is very lucky,
My husband would only hang out with the kids at gunpoint,
At least you have someone,
That dad is really sexy, of course,
He's definitely a mutant,
A real person could never do that,
What do you think? Where is he from?
Mom says he's from a car repair garage,
How about that, junior?
One month of training, and you can do it too,
What for?
Well,
you'll pump up your biceps and all the girls
in the neighborhood will go crazy over you, a brutal macho,
But who is a brutal macho?
That's you in a month,
I don't want to be a stupid body builder,
You would rather be a boring geek, right?
Remember what uncle Petro tells you,
women like the strong and handsome men,
But mother says that a real man must be
gentle and responsible,
That's why she's divorced,
Junior, remember this:
a real man owes nothing to no one,
- He does not know grief,,, - He does not know grief,,,
There aren't any normal men left, it's such a crisis of masculinity!
No, no, no, Your Petro is not like that,
Yes, Not like that, And who raised him like that?
Who exactly raised him like that?!
Who if not you, Madame Vasalina, who if not you?
Let's drink to that!
Listen, why do you keep calling me "Madame"?
What "Madame" am I to you?
Call me,,, mother,
Let's drink to that, mother,
My sweet daughter,
So that's how mommy helped to get her out of my home,
What, what?
Chew your food properly,
- I said, you should eat when you drink, - What?
Hey, why are you yelling at your wife?
Well, look, my sweet children,
I'm leaving you, I'm catching a flight to Turkey today,
an all-inclusive,
I'll drive the animators crazy,
Oh, my heavy sins,
Petro, give her some pickle juice in the morning,
And you have some tomatoes,
Exactly the kind you like, sonny,
Bye,
Don't worry, I'll clean everything up,
Damn, why are you silent like a partisan?
School!
Little ones, we overslept, let's fly,
You overslept, so you fly,
I said, hurry up,
Why do you scatter it everywhere?
Your mom left you cucumber outfits,
so put them on, little green men, hurry up!
I'm not going to wear this idiotic costume,
It degrades my human dignity,
Little ones, why are you dressed as cucumbers?
Your cheeks are as red as beets
and your noses are like carrots,
What's going on at your school? Are you making a vegetable stew?
Uncle Petro, stop making fun of us,
these costumes already make us nauseous,
Let us begin our yearly school-wide amateur talent competition
"Your talent, our school",
Louder,
And we have guests from the District Administration here today,
Please welcome on the stage class 2-A,
"The dance of the little swans",
I feel sick,
I understand,
School used to make me sick as well,
And our concert is gaining momentum,
I hope you like everything?
Mykola Viktorovych, I'm talking to you,
Please welcome on stage, class 2-B
performing "The pumpkin walks in the garden",
The pumpkin walks in the garden And he talks to his kind
Are you alive, are you well All the pumpkin's family?
The yellow melon The pumpkin's mistress, replied:
Alive and well are all The Pumpkin's family
And the cucumbers replied The Pumpkin's sons and daughters
Where are the cucumbers?
Where are the cucumbers!
Hey! Beauties, shall we race?
What's in it for us?
Let's put it this way: the winner,
invites you out for tasty cocktails tonight,
Yeah?
No, thanks,
Sorry, dude,
Where are those cucumbers? They've let down the entire class,
Had we known we would've given the role to someone more responsible,
What do you want? Their mother is a divorcee,
She's probably looking for a new man and not after her kids,
My God, what a disgrace,
Please, stop worrying, Natalia Yuriyivna, your blood pressure will rise,
Cucumbers, what's up?
Are you pickled? Hurry up!
I'm telling you, It's a bad idea
to come to this celebration of tragedy and humiliation,
And where have we been, dare I ask?
Are you not ashamed to let down your entire class like this?
And now, the results of our talent contest
from our honorable jury, Class 2-A,
Seven, six, eight, five,
Class 2-B,
Three, three, three, two,
Therefore, 26 versus 11,
Congratulations on the victory of class 2-A,
Please, let's get the gifts on the stage,
I didn't work as an animal the entire weekend
on these decorations and costumes
just to lose because of these fatherless orphans!
- Tereshchenkos, - Tereshchenkos,
I feel that it would be fair to give
both classes a grade of 20
and not give the Tereshchenko kids any rewards,
Wait, wait, everything here is honest and transparent,
Everyone saw the grading,
Wait, dear jury, please, please,
What about a repeat performance for class 2-B?
Listen, even weightlifters get a second chance,
Please, let them perform one more time,
I don't know about weightlifters,
We are an educational institution,
There are respectable people here, and you are creating a ruckus,
I demand a draw: 20 points to each team,
But not for the Tereshchenkos who were late and let everyone down,
I'm sorry but who are you? A weightlifter?
Don't shame our school in front of the District,,,
we can't hold up Mykola Vasylievych
just because of some fatherless orphans!
You're going to pay for calling them fatherless orphans!
Take this for cutting my child's math grades!
Let's go, let's go, little ones, We're leaving, we're leaving,
Mommy, mommy, uncle Petro was so cool defending us!
Did you see his right hook!?
I saw it,
But he was forced to use his hook,
because you were late, right?
Sorry, I'm remorseful,
I'm just not used to waking up to go to school anymore,
But let's face it, this celebration was just asking for a fight!
It was the first time we had fun at school!
See, it was fun,
So, hey, little ones, are we a gang now?
Yes!
Ok, let's go relieve our stress,
But hey, no more vomiting in the car, okay?
Yes,
Just don't tell me that the school called,
I got my dream job in the best choir,
Mommy, mommy, it's so tasty!
- Give some to me, - Here, try mine,
Good night, uncle Petro,
You're great,
Yes, you're great, even though you are a mutant,
We don't want to save the planet from you,
Maybe you'll think twice before destroying humanity?
What, what?
We're tired of fighting you,
I don't want any gifts from uncle Oleh,
Wait,
so all of your tricks were actually uncle Oleh's ideas?
The dollars, the passport,
and the damned pig on my face?
We were saving people on Earth,
But we no longer believe that you are dangerous,
Good night, earthlings,
The time has come for horrible truth,
Veronika,
I need to tell you something,
I'll leave before the kids wake up,
I need to make breakfast,
Don't hurry,
stay in bed for a while and I'll go get some croissants,
I know a great place,
Did you forget your keys or something?
No, not my keys,
I forgot my choker,
Cho,,, what?
Ch, sh, yu, ya,,, choker,
My decoration,
Okay? We basically know each other,
Oh, I've found my choker,
Where's Petro? Is he still sleeping?
No, he went to get some buns,
You've got an idyllic family here,
The bet really worked?
What bet?
Shake your mother,
Do you people ever sleep!
I've got unfed kids! Hello!
Veronika, the croissants have arrived,
Veronika!
Kids!
IT WAS A MISTAKE
You finally woke up? Because we're tired of tanning,
What?
Why is our Peter Pan so unhappy?
Well, don't worry, don't worry,
I'm ready to accept your capitulation,
Good luck with the scrub,
It looks like you've lost, Oleh,
Aha, as if I'm going to believe you,
Don't forget to wash the Porsche,
I won't forget to wash my feet before getting your priceless pedicure,
That's quite the turnaround,
How's that? The month is not over yet,
Somehow like that,
She disappeared with the kids and their things,
Look, empty, An empty till,
That's strange, Where did she disappear to?
I have no idea,
but the fact is that she is no longer under my roof,
therefore, Oleh, you lose,
An unexpected turn in our bet, she left and has not returned,
A 100% win for Petro,
It's not that he "couldn't", but she,
Therefore, a technical,
but still a defeat for Oleh the Pedicure Guy,
Do you have anything to say?
It now looks like it's not Peter Pan, but rather Oleh Pan,
Petro, wait for us, we'll bring the whiskey
and Oleh will bring the cream,
Well, I don't remember Veronika ever not answering me,
Where could she have gone?
No,
there's no way she would have returned to that jerk,
It's okay, Oleh, accept defeat,
You'll soften Petro's feet a bit and basically,
after a month of practice, you'll have learned a new profession,
Being a "pedicurist" sounds proud,
Right, calm down, I haven't lost yet,
I'm 100% sure that Petro chased her, 100%,
She didn't leave on her own and I'll prove it,
Pedicure Detective sounds much cooler,
Yuck, damn,
And what have you forgotten here?
Well, I didn't come to look at you,
Where are Veronika and the kids? Call them,
I could lie to you and tell you that I'm interested where your sister is
but, honestly, I don't care,
Kitten, who's there?
And what Veronika are they looking for here?
None at all,
Go back to bed, I'll be there soon,
What about the kids? Were the kids here at least?
I haven't seen the kids since your sister left,
But don't worry,
I'll pay the child support,
one day,
possibly,
You're lucky my hands are full,
Jerk!
Hey, Petro, welcome back to normal life,
Honestly, we didn't expect it, we didn't believe it,
- Exactly, - To you!
To Petro, no longer a Peter Pan,
We missed you!
Me too,
So, ylang-ylang? Jojoba oil?
Go to hell with your jojoba!
Why are you so upset? Everything was honest,
Petro outlasted a real chick with luggage,
Or, to be more exact, survived,
She's not a chick,
And the kids are not luggage,
I can't believe I'm asking this, but did you fall in love, son?
Exactly, exactly!
Petro, did you fall in love? With whom?
I'll go get an autograph,
It's someone on the Red List of Threatened Species,
Petro, tell us, did it happen or not?
- You make me sick, - I can see that it happened,
Enough, enough, Come clean,
what did you do to my sister and where did she go?
Let her tell you herself,
She's nowhere to be found, She isn't answering her phone,
I paid a visit to her ex and she wasn't there, She didn't return to him,
Tell me what happened, big mouth?
I'm the big mouth?
And who told the nieces that I'm a mutant who wants to destroy humanity?
Who paid off the kids so that they would unleash Armageddon upon me?
Hey, giving gifts to the nieces is not a sin,
Oleh, you consider it honest to force me out of my own home
for the sake of some Porsche? A friend?
Yes, a friend, and for over 30 years, your best friend,
Okay, I confess, it was killing me to give you the Porsche,
Yeah, I bet,
Look, to hell with the Porsche!
Petro, now you know that you can live in a different way,
Now you know you can!
Or you can just shit your life away -
year after year - on these wild drunken parties,
sex without obligations and all,
And a different life means what exactly?
Being dumped for no reason?
Them disappearing into thin air
and leaving you a note on your bloody fridge?
Thanks, but I'm not into soap operas, I prefer it like this,
With no obligations,
Sweetie, did you miss me? Well, then let's go,
Oh, brother,
You're so fast,
Of course, Life is so short,
Wait, little one, quiet, quiet,
You really are a mutant,
A real man would never have offended our mother,
She thought that you wanted to help,
but you just did it for that car,
And how you lied that we're a gang, Yuck!
Mother is crying because of you,
You're even worse than our father,
Petro, Petro, where are you going?
What do you think I'm doing?
She found out about our bet, bro,
Come on, let's go,
The last thing I heard was that she found a job in some amazing choir,
What do you mean by "some amazing choir"?
Bro, I thought that you knew where we were going?
Oleh, stop annoying me and start googling choirs,
OK, I'm googling choirs,
Choirs,
Oh, if she said it was the best one, then it's this one,
Here, a women's church choir,
I'll go alone,
Angry wind is howling,,,
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Please, let's start again from the beginning,
Who brought you here?
Please,
It's roaring and moaning
The wide Dnieper River
The angry wind
Is howling,,,
Stop, stop! What's that howling?
What's that howling?
What is that?
I,,,
Sorry, please continue, continue,
What was that? Who let him in here?
Maybe she became a nun because of you?
Oh, a woman's church choir,
Oops, sorry,
amen, pardon, my mistake, Oh, Lord!
My mistake, Oh, Lord!
One choir left,
I also feel like the last choir,
Well, then turn around,
The concert has started, I won't let you in,
Where, what, are you blind? There she is,
Veronika, come back,
Sorry, I'm purposefully, I mean, not on purpose,,,
- Stop climbing over my head! - Sorry, sorry,
Careful!
I can't live without you!
Without you,
without all of you,,,
I was so afraid of children,
responsibility, broccoli and that damned Bach,
but now I love all of that, Can you imagine?
I love how you smile,
I love your reservedness, I adore the children,
I'm ready to forgive them for everything!
For cutting up my dollars, for destroying my passport,
for arranging Niagara Falls in my shower,
I've never wanted a family because I didn't have you,
Become my family!
Mom, we agree,
Hear what our children are saying?
Sister, sorry, this was my mistake,
Please forgive me, Sorry,
I persuaded him to take part in this damned bet,
Yes, it was him,
It was me,
But agree that it's so awesome when the people closest to me
are going to be happy together,
By the way, I know that you've had the hots for him since you were a kid,
What about that Porsche?
To hell with that Porsche!
Let's give it to your choir as a gift,
Right, Oleh?
Yes, of course, let's give it to the choir,
Hurray! Hurray, people!
If we sell that Porsche,
then we'll definitely go to the competition in Vienna,
Vienna!
Maybe we'll even have enough money left for new costumes,
Sister!
Come on, Veronika!
Definitely, come on,
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
- Come on! - Yeah, come on!
Come on!
Let's sing
A happy song
About a young neighbor
Let's sing about a neighbor
Let's make our heart happy
Oh, neighbor-neighbor Lend me a sieve
I will sift some flour I will bring it to you tomorrow
Let's sing a happy song About a young lady
Let's sing about the lady
To make our heart happy