Pressure's all right, Gary?It's perfect,
And the oil is not too warm?It feels nice,
Is there any area in particular you want me to focus on today?
Um,,,
You could, um,,,
You could go, uh,,,
Lower?
Oh, my God,
I'm sorry, this music is triggering me,
Can I change it to something less traumatic?
Oh, um, sure,
Kind of feels like I was getting you off
at a funeral, you know?
You have a dope house, by the way,
Thank you,It's, like, sexy,
Mmm,,,Oh, God,
♪ Hump me, fuck me ♪
♪ Daddy better make me choke You better ♪
♪ Hump me, fuck me ♪
♪ My tunnel loves To deep throat, it do,,, ♪
♪ Lick, lick, lick, lick I wanna eat your dick ♪
♪ But I can't fuck up My nails ♪
♪ So I'mma pick it up With chopsticks,,, ♪
I'm so sorry, Cory, is it?Yeah, Kory, With a K,
Could we just keep the distractions to a minimum?
I'm sorry, I stopped taking my Vyvanse, and I have--
It's okay, I'm just,,,
So the music, off?Please?
Yeah,
I'm so, so sorry,
Is there any way that you could not chew gum?
Bitch, am I not allowed to breathe?
Gum's gone, Are we good?Yeah, I'm sorry,
It's fine, Can I proceed?Please, Thank you,
So you have, like, a really big house,
Who all lives here?
Um, just,,,
Just me,
Damn!
No husband? No wife?
Um,,,
Wife, I had a wife,
Hm, word, I used to fuck girls too,
and then I realized I sucked dick at eating pussy,
She left, She took the kids, and--
What a bitch, Boys or girls?
Boys, Well, men now, really,
Are they hot?
What?Your two sons, are they hot?
I don't know,
Come on, Gary, You're clearly a fairy,
Or at least now you are, heh,
They're my children!It's not perverted,
My cousins are so fucking hot,
I mean, they're good-looking young men,
Okay,
Jesus!
Gary? How many guys have you done this with?
Um,,,
One?One, like,,,
Like, you're my first,
I'm your first massage?
No, I mean, yes, but,,,
You're the first guy that I've ever been intimate with,
Gary, shut up,It's not a big deal,
Gary, this is a big fucking deal,
I need a drink, I need a drink, Come on, Come on! Holy shit,
Where are you going?
So you've never touched a dick before? Like, even as a kid?
Um,,,
No,
Oh, my God, Gary, that is so gay,
I'm not supposed to drink, so--That is the most repressed
Catholic-ass bullshit I've ever heard in my life,
I did jerk off once in a steam room at our country club,
God, not even an Equinox? Jesus Christ, Gary,
It was a long time ago, The world's different now,
Bitch, please, The ancient Greeks were gay as shit,
Zeus ate dick for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
That's why he was so strong,
All the cum,
What?
You're a very spirited young man,
You know what is so funny?
People say shit like that all the time,
and I never know what it means,
Ahh! But this isn't about me, This is about you,
I wanna know, why now?
I can't believe I'm telling you this,
I got married so young, I had kids so young
that I never gave myself an opportunity--
Holy shit! I didn't even think about that,
Your kids are so lucky,
Why?They have a gay dad,
What's better than that?
Well, I doubt they see it that way, Kory,
Please, call me Cameron,
Kory's the work name, it helps me get into character,
But you and I are friends now,
Okay,
Well, Cameron, um,
my kids don't talk to me, so,,,What?
Sorry, you're telling me that your family won't talk to you
because you prefer bussy over pussy?
What the actual fuck?Patty had her reasons,
And I think the kids--God! Patty? Oh, Patty!
Patty's a very, very cunty name, Gary,
Cameron,No!
I'm sorry, Gary, but that is bullshit,
Bullshit,
You were honest with those bitches,
and they turn their back on you
'cause of your sexuality?
I'll talk to that bitch for you,
I'm a people person, Give me your phone,
No, You don't have to--
The only thing better than my dad being gay
would have been him being like a reiki master,
I would have killed to have a dad like you,
I'm dying,
Oh, baby, I'm dying too,
I mean, every night I fall asleep--
I'm actually dying,
I have an inoperable brain tumor,
Oh, shit,
I'm sorry, I,,, I really don't know what to say,
Words of affirmation is not my love language,
It's more like,,,
Okay, no, Okay, it--
You don't have to worry about not knowing how to respond,
Nobody's reacted that well thus far, myself included,
Oh, Gary, Are you okay?
I mean, I know you're not okay, obviously, But I mean,,,
It's like I just realized
that I've been alive for nearly half a century
and I haven't actually lived even a second of it,
Okay, Okay, Gary, Gary, I'm gonna help you,
What?Let's find someone for you,
Someone you've always wanted who will put what you want first,
Honestly, can't you just finish the hand job and go?
Oh, shut up,
Shut up, Gary, We're doing this,
You are gonna do this,
Now, have you heard of Plungr?
No,It's a sex app,
Why do I need a sex app? I literally paid for you,
Uh, because you're not gay until you've hooked up
with a complete stranger on an app,
who looks nothing like their pictures,
Okay,Okay, so crash course,
Basically, once you set up your profile,
then you put in your stats,
That's the basics,
Your height, your body type,
your pronouns, your positions,
Top, bottom, We'll figure it out later,
Jesus,Your relationship status,
date last tested, et cetera,
And boom! You're getting your hole licked,
your salad tossed, your carpet munched
by your best friends' dad or closeted neighbor--
I'm sorry, this is a lot to take in,
It's a lot, Gary, I wish they had a gay Duolingo,
You know what?
Why don't you see for yourself?
Go on,
Oh, my God, There's so many hot guys,
Yes, there are,
But if you wanna talk to any of them,
you're gonna need an avatar,
Profile picture, Gary,
You're gonna need a profile picture,
or no one's gonna answer,
Do you know what lighting in your house
makes you the most dewy?
Can we just use a picture of you?
Seriously?
Look at you, I'm not gonna get very many responses,
Uh, yeah, not with that attitude,
Do you know your angles?My angles?
Oh, for fuck's sake, Gary,
Come on, I can't just teach you everything,
Hot?
Mm-hm, Yeah, that's very hot,
I know,
I'll just call us "Lad and Dad,"
Okay, um,,,
Hmm,
How about this guy?
Two miles away,
"Dom Top, DL, Masc4masc, I love to suck,"
What's DL?That's down-low, just like you,
Well, I like his hat,
Okay,
"I like your hat, bro, You're hot,"
"You too,"Wait, he already wrote back?
Yep, "Come over and drain me,"
Okay, I'm sorry, No, Cameron, I think this might be too much,
Oh, too late, He's on his way,Wait, What?
I dropped a pin,You gave him my address?
Yeah,I might not be ready for this,
It took me a week to work up the courage to call you,
And now you've invited some complete stranger to my home,
Gary, Gary--I don't even know this person,
How am I supposed to react?Loosen up,
How?Because you're with me,
I'm like human poppers, I open anyone up,
All you have to do is sit back and relax,
Relax,
You're gonna be okay, I prom,
Prom?
Half a promise,
Did you just make that up?Oh, my God,
It's New York, Gary,
The reality star, Oh, you have so much to learn,
I'm going to your kitchen,
Gary, it's so harsh in here, You need to liven it up,
Spoon, spoon, spoon,,,
Shit, You really are dying, aren't you?
"Gary and Patricia had a beautiful marriage,
filled with blessing and love,
The life they shared was harmonious and fulfilling,
raising the boys,
However, Gary has now left the marriage
to finally pursue his life as a gay man,
There are no words to describe the shock and heartache
Patricia feels regarding Gary's new path,"
Yikademente,
Gary! Oh, my God,
Okay, can we please talk about this?
Because what the actual fuck?
Where did you get that?I went through your shit,
Oh, of course,
After the split, Patty lashed out
in interesting and craft-based ways,
It's on, like, weighted paper,
You're telling me she went to Kinko's
and printed how many copies?She sent them
to quite a number of people in our lives,
Gary, it's like a eulogy for straight you, Rest in peace,
Well,,,
At least you got to keep the house,
When I came out of the closet, I lost the closet
and the room the closet was in,
Is that why you ended up doing this?
The fuck do you mean by that?
Your line of work is not exactly many people's first choice,
A little fucking judgmental, don't you think?
I'm just saying, kids wanna be astronauts, firemen,
They don't pick sex worker at the job fair,
Right, Well, they would
if they were tossed around as an 8-year-old, like I was,
I'm fucking joking,
Are you serious? That's what you actually think?
That something terrible must have happened to me
to lead me to this? God forbid I found something
that I'm good at, and I monetized it,
But you can't do this forever,
When you're my age, what will you do?
I don't know, Gary,
I guess I'll repress every desire that comes naturally,
marry an unsuspecting woman, have two sons,
live a lie until I find out I'm dying of cancer,
Hey, whoa,No!
No, you are on thin ice, sweetie,
I'm sorry, I,,, You're right,
I guess that that was my poor attempt
at helping you,
Aw, Well, write this down and remember it fondly:
I don't need your fucking help,
God!
My God, if that was my best stab at fatherly advice,
it's no wonder my own kids don't wanna speak to me,
Okay, enough of this whole pity party,
What is that?
It's called pre-workout,
Like meth for people with goals,
Why are you taking it now?You didn't have Red Bull,
Which, by the way, big mistake,
Big, Huge, Pretty Woman,
Finally, a fucking reference you know,
Pretty Womanis one of my favorite films,
That would explain your attitude towards sex work,
Well, you're the one who just quoted it,
Touché, bitch,Yeah,
Oh, fuck, He's here, He's here!
Oh, my God, what do I do?
Hey, You go upstairs,
wear something sexy, I got this covered,
Go! Go!Okay,
Sexy,
Hello,'Sup, bro?
Ooh! Fist me already!
I'm Sammy,
I'm Kory, with a K, The lost Kardashian,
Mm, nice truck,
You parked so far,
Just wanna get in and get out,
Oh, You can get in, all right,
Mm, mm, mm!
Come on,
This place is dope, man, Do you live here alone?
Um, well, if you noticed on Plungr, I am Lad,,,
and this is Dad,
Hi,
Who the fuck is this
Mister Rogers-looking-ass dude?
I thought I told you to wear something sexy,
I feel very sexy in this,
The profile said "Lad and Dad,"
You didn't say nothing about a threesome, so,,,
And you didn't say anything about being a whiny bottom,
But here we are,I'm no bottom! I'm all top,
Yeah, I'm sure you are, you self-hating little bitch,
Cameron,Shut the fuck up, please,
We both know you're just a gaping hole,
so pipe the fuck down and service this cock!
Uh,,,
Fuck, you're sexy,
You know you don't deserve to suck this cock, though, right?
I know,
I'm sorry, sir,
I'll suck it so good, though,
Do it,
Thank you, sir,Thank you,
Oh, yeah, Fuck, yeah,
Mm,,, Mmm,,,
Hey, you shut your fucking mouth when you're sucking this dick,
Please, sir, I want some more,Yeah, you do,
Yeah, you like that dick, you little Oliver Twist-ass bitch?
Oh, God, It's like a juicy bratwurst,
You make me,,,
You make me sick, you little orphan boy,
Mmm,,, I'm an orphan,
Fucking deeper, bitch,
You little street urchin,
You little begging bitch with your little purple-ass shorts,
I'm your fucking street urchin, motherfucker,
Come on, Dad,
Come on,
Fuck me,CAMERON: It's okay,
Oh, yes, You gotta put it fucking deep in there,
Wait, Why are you stopping?
I can't do this,Can't do what?
Suck a dick when your username's Looking2Succ?
Not with this accountant-looking motherfucker,
I'm sorry,Gary is a beautiful man
who deserves anonymous blowjobs, just like the rest of us,
He looks like shit,You look like shit,
you little pencil dick!What?
I'm not even fully hard, bro,
Oh, really?
Plus, I didn't get to showcase my personality,
Oh, my God!
Looking2Succ,
I've given you plenty of time
to showcase your personality,Fuck you,
I'm better one-on-one, And it was just you in the picture,
Not your Flowers in the Attic fucking sidepiece daddy,
I'm not even gay, anyway,
You just casually referenced Flowers in the Attic,
You are an absolute faggot!I got a wife,
So does he!Ex-wife,
And you'll be adding ex to the title
when she finds out you're a bottom!
Watch your fucking mouth, bro!Oh?
I'm warning you, I will knock you out,
Oh, no, He's gonna knock me out, Gary,
he's gonna hit me with his Flowers in the Attic,
Okay, Boys, Boys,
You are a F-A-double G-O-T,
faggot!This is your last warning, bro!
You're a faggot!Fuck you!
It was a gorgeous landing,
Why would you do that?Do what?
You instigated him, You riled him up,
Hey, hold on, hold on,
He literally charged at me
and you pushed me out of the way,
How is this my fault?
If you had only shut up,
he wouldn't have done the charging,
Oh, of course, you're gonna take his side,
Two repressed queers blaming their shame and misery on me,
a secure, stable homosexual,Stable?
Yeah,How did I let this happen?
My God!
Wait, this whole thing was your idea,
The whole thing,Hey! No, no, no!
You wanted him to come here,You practically
forced me into this,
Oh, I forced you to hook up with two hot dudes,
I'm so evil, Gary, Oh, I'm so sorry,
What are you doing?
I'm calling 911,For what? He's dead!
Exactly, We have to explain what happened,
You may be okay going to jail 'cause you're dying,
but I'm freshly made,
I don't care, I'm calling,Gary, no, Accidents happen!
It was your first time being gay,
You were gonna make mistakes,
This is more than a mistake!You're right,
I'm so glad you're man enough to admit that,
Admit what?You assaulted me,
Are you fucking kidding me?You pushed me, babe,
You pushed me and my lover is dead!
That's what I'm gonna tell the cops, Ow! Ow,
I can't believe that you would pin this on me
when all I did was protect you,
Protect me, really?
He was gonna beat you up,
I saved your life,Don't be so dramatic, Gary,
You both would have flown out of that window,
which now seems like a missed opportunity!
Okay, so don't ever try and save my life again, then!
I pray that I don't have the chance!
No, Cameron, you can't walk away from this,
It's your fault!
You know what? You say that one more time, I swear to God!
When you first told me about your family,
I felt bad for you, I really did,
But you know what? I feel bad for them,
'cause you're that classic closet case
that loves to look like the hero while playing the victim,
Maybe try and accept the fact
that you ruined more lives than you saved,
You don't know a fucking thing about me and my family,
Oh, thank God for that,
It's your house, Gary, Your window,
Every man for himself, I'm fucking out of here,
You are a pest! You are a menace!
You are a selfish, spoiled boy, and I have no use for you!
I don't wanna see you or know you!
Get out of my house!
Is that from Dennis the Menace?Go!
Fuck you, Gary!
Oh, my God,
Oh, God,
Okay,
Fuck,
So where are we taking him?
Why?Don't look at me like that,
You're weak, I feel sorry for you,
and thank you for saving my life, blah, blah, blah,
I think he shit himself, Just grab his hands, come on,
Fuck!
Okay, So should we drag him to the shore,
fill his pockets with rocks, and then throw him in the lake?
What? Did you just come up with that?
Yeah, Why?
That's almost exactly what we did with Duke,
Who the fuck is Duke?My only real friend,
Who the fuck are you, Robert Durst?
Jesus Christ, Cameron!
Duke was a Weimaraner, who I loved very, very much,
A who?A dog, Duke was a dog,
He loved the water, It was a fitting send-off,
But dogs don't wear pants,
Oh, God, Cameron, pick him up,
We're dealing with a human body,
a human dead body,
And he's gonna smell, He's gonna rot,
He's got a family, a wife who probably hates him
but doesn't want him dead,
Are we talking about the body or you?
I should just take the fall,
No, I don't want Patty to have to make another calling card,
"After a few months as a homosexual man,
Gary decided to lead a life of crime,"
With a wilted rose as the background this time?
Ooh, stunning,
I'm really glad you came back,
Me too,
Oh, fuck! He bled through the tarp!
That's mountain ash wood, it's really porous,
Oh, my God, you're so gay,
How did nobody know?
Shut up and help me move this thing,
Oh, my God, Did you invite somebody else over?
You think I double-booked you?Well, did you?
Of course I didn't,Answer it,
I don't wanna answer it,
We can't answer the door,
I have no idea who it is,Yoo-hoo!
Oh, fuck,
Avon lady calling!
It's Sandy,
Who the fuck is Sandy?My neighbor,
Oh, shit,
Gary!
What am I supposed to do?
I'm completely covered in blood,
I know what to do,
Where are you going?
Gary? Is that you?
Oh, my God, Oh, my God, Oh, my God,
Hello? Gary?
That's Patty's apron,Not anymore,
What are you gonna do?Answer the door,
No, no, you can't answer the door,
I'm gonna answer the door,There's a dead body--
Oh,,,Hi,
You're not Gary,
No, No, no, no,
I'm cute, and you must be pretty,
So together that means we're pretty cute,
You're a hoot! I'm Sandy,
Oh, Sandy, what brings you over here this beautiful night?
I should be asking you the same question,
That's so like Gary, A man of few words,
I'm his real estate agent, Kory, Kory Haim,
Like the actor?No, you're thinking of Feldman,
Yeah,No, there was two Coreys,
There was Corey Feldman and Corey Haim,
No, think there's just one,
Thank you for coming,Gary!
Hey, you're--
You're not in that gorgeous palazzo across the way, are you?
Where is Gary? And why are you here so late at night?
Oh, I'm doing an inspection, Smog,
You know, I-- I thought I heard
the faint sounds of screaming earlier,
and I thought, well, Gary's home,
so naturally I thought I would come on by
on my way to the store,
But I gotta hit the road before the Ambien kicks in,
I think it already kicked in,Stat! Like they say on Grey's,
Oh! Are you a McDreamy girl?
All the way,
I could see it in your eyes, Sandy,
Ooh!
Oh!
I just need some flour,,,
to make my chocolate chip banana bread
for my church group in the morning,
Sure, yeah, Not keto, but very Christian,
We just pray so hard that the carbs don't stick to our hips,
Oh!
You know what? I just realized something,
I know where Gary keeps the flour,
Wow, Yeah,
So why don't you just wait right here?
Right here, Sit, stay,Right there, Sit, stay,
Sit, stay,
Don't move, Good girl, Good girl,
I'll be right back, Yeah, okay,
He's wearing an apron,
Oh,,,
One more won't hurt,
Shit, shit, shit,
Oh, God,
Where does he keep the flour? Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I know,
What?
You don't have to hide it, I caught you red-handed,
Okay, Look, it was a whole mistake,
and one thing led to another--
The heart wants what the heart wants,
What?I got Patty's card,
The whole neighborhood did,Oh,
You don't have to be ashamed of loving him,
Gary's a wonderful man,
I'm so close to Patty still,
She's just sick over the whole thing,
She feels terribly about what she did and how she reacted,
But now he won't talk to her or the boys,
And I know he's hurt,
but she really worries about him,
especially now all by himself--I'm sorry, Patty,,,
Patty wants to talk to Gary?
Oh, more than anything,
She's been begging him
to at least just clear the air before he--
You know, just,,,
Right, That's, uh,,,
I didn't know that, I did not know that,
Oh, well, must be awkward,
For Gary,Yeah,
He must not tell you things about the ex,
Yeah, Yeah,
So all that's to say,
no more sneaking around, Mr, Estate Agent,
I'm a cool Christian, I'm down with the gays,
I may just not bake a cake for your wedding, ha-ha!
Yeah, well, you already established
you don't have any flour,Yeah! You got me there!
Oh, where's Gary? I wanna see you two sinners in action,
Gary!
What the fuck?
Gary,Sandy!
Honey! You did not spill all those cosmos!
Cosmos?
Yes!
You got the whole pitcher
right down the front of you,
Cosmos?GARY: Yes,
Yes, we were having Sex and the Cityrole-play night,
Yes,
Well, let's get another pitcher going,
because I'm Samantha, and I love fucking,
Yes, you do, you little scamp,
Church girls know how to kneel,
I'm gonna
just make some more cosmos, then,
You are such a fucking Charlotte,
This is so exciting! It's been ages
since I've had a girls' night like this,
Aw,SANDY: Ooh!
Where's the bathroom again?
I,,, When I get excited, I get a little loose down there,
Oh, Jesus, Um,,,
Okay, I'm gonna just cue up the second movie,
Everyone's favorite,
Bathroom's right to the left,
Right to the left,
Why are we watching Sex and the City 2?
You are being such an Aidan, I need you to be a Mr, Big,
I have no idea what that even means,
At least I tell the truth, you wily bitch,
What?Shut up!
Right,,,
to the left,
We can dump the body after Sex and the City,
but right now, chill,
Oh, my God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Sandy, this is not what it looks like,
It's not?No, it's not,
O-okay,
You're right, it's not,
Sandy,,,You know what? Just,,,
Um, let's just 86 the request on the flour,
because I just remembered that I have some in my pool,
And I would just like to add here,
in no way do I believe that you are going to hell,
at least not just for being gay,
So I'm just gonna find my way to the door
and then I'm gonna be out of here!
Sandy, wait!You're gay,
You're supposed to be nice!Sandy, please,
Sandy,
You locked me in!
No, No, no, Sandy,
You're trying to kill me!
We're not, It's unlocked, actually,
Pull, don't push, hon,
Sandy! Sandy!
Sandy! Sandykins!
Sandy?
Where the--? We're not gonna hurt you, babe!
Is she astral-projecting? Where the fuck did she go?
Sandy?
Sandy,
Sandy!
Come out, babe,Sandy!
Hey, hey!
Sandy!
Gary?
I have just taken a fistful of drugs,
and I will be sedated or dead within minutes,
feeling none of the sick, twisted, homosexual depravity
you subject my Christ-like body to!
Pills!
Sandy!Sandy!
Sandy!
Sandy?
What in the Hoardershell?
Welcome to my old life,
Sandy, listen, I'm really concerned
about the amount of pills you've taken,
And if you have more, I would absolutely buy them off of you,
Where is she?
She's not here,Of course she's not here,
Why do you even have a dog cage?
It was Duke's,
Right, the dog you Nicole Kidman'd into the lake,
Virginia Woolf'd, and yes,
And you still keep his cage?To remember him by!
You need to learn to let things go, It's not healthy,
You're in a position to tell me what's healthy?
Shh! You hear that? The closet, The closet!
Sandy?
It's jammed,Move, move, move,
All right, it's obviously locked,
You can't lock a closet from the inside,
Says the expert on being in the closet,
You know what, shut up,Whoa,
I can let go of things,
I prefer to have the physical evidence
that I was actually here,Okay, I don't really know
if a dog crate is the best example of that,
Is everything a joke to you?That wasn't a joke,
You ever stop to consider anybody else's feelings ever?
You wanna talk about other people's feelings?
Let's talk about how you don't have the balls
to call your own family back,
How do you know that?
Yeah,
She said Patty wants to talk to you,
but you just refuse,You wouldn't understand,
So you're gay,
So they reacted badly, Call them back,
Oh, okay, let me just, um, take some advice
from a kid who gives happy endings for a living,
Oh! The operative word there is "happy," you sad fuck,
Oh, I'm sad?Yeah,
Why don't you examine
your own uneducated existence, you Jezebel!
Jezebel?
When I find out who Jezebel is,
I assume I'm gonna be so mad at you!
Don't follow me!Hey, you know what?
Your life isn't the only one that changed
when you decided to come out,
I had to be someone I hated for them!
And that's not their fault,And you think I don't know that?
Gary, Gary, where are you going?
Fuck!
I always did what I was supposed to do,
I went to church,
I married young,
I had kids when I was younger than you are!
Imagine if I had a kid right now,
That'd be so toxic,
I followed all the rules!
I didn't smoke, I drank in moderation,
I cut fat out of my diet in the '90s
and put it back in 2013 when avocados got big!
Okay,My whole life, I've been good!
A good husband,
A good father,
Okay, That was a little bit hard,
A good man!
I didn't enjoy any of it!
Gary, seriously, you just hit my fucking head,
And you know what?
There is a part of me,
some terrible part of me, that blames them,
But it's my fault!
It's all my fault! It's my fault!
Oh, my God,
It's my fault,
Gary? Gary, Gary!
Gary, Hey, just breathe, Come on,
I can't breathe,Come on, Come on,
You're okay,I can't breathe,
I know,I can't breathe,
Breathe, Breathe,I can't breathe,
I can't breathe, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for calling you Jezebel,
I don't even know who Jezebel is,
But if she's anything like me, we stan, Is she hot?
You know, I,,, I actually envy you, Gary,
Oh, please,No, seriously, I do,
You spent your whole life lying to everyone about everything,
but you still have a lot to show for it,
You do, You're having a panic attack
on your own damn tennis court, for fuck's sake!
My dad didn't even acknowledge when I told him I was gay,
He just said, "Not to me, you're not,"
And then he went back to watching TV
like it never happened,
Next day, I left a note on my bed,
drove away, never to return,
What did the note say?
"Fuck you, you bigoted fat fuck,
Your son's a sissy whore faggot who loves it in the ass,"
Or something to that effect,
I can't really remember, but,,,
He actually meant well, I think,
In his own weird, demented way, he,,,
He thought that if I was gay, he had to stop loving me,
So he chose to ignore it
because he wanted to keep loving his son,
But loving someone with conditions isn't love, it's,,,
prison,
You're a good man, Cam,
Whoo, yeah, based on tonight,
I don't think either one of us is technically that good,
but I appreciate that,
Well, at least it's some relief
knowing there are people out there
being worse than us in the world,
Yeah,
What did you just say?
There are worse people in the world?
Gary, Gary, you're a fucking genius,
I am?Yes! Yes!
We just have to find somebody worse than us,
Someone that is so insane and deranged,
they'll get us out of this whole mess,
All we have to do is--Get back on Plungr,
The beginning and the end of all of life's problems,
You have got to work on your internalized homophobia,
It is seriously shocking,
Let's go, Gary!
"Let's go, Gary,"
What are you doing?The dark web, Gary,
On Looking2Succ's phone?
You want it traced back to yours?
Hold this,
Do the facial recognition!Jesus Christ,
Do it!
What happens now?I'm doing it, Gary,
Doing what?The dark web,
Is it hard to do?Honey!
Why don't you make us some coffee or something?
Okay, "Church organist, can play with or without pipes,"
Why would a church organist advertise on the dark web?
It's code,For what? Sex stuff?
Organ harvesting, duh,
Mm, "Circus, Circus, Tigers, and Bears, Oh, Die,"
I don't think I wanna know,
They're either into bestiality or an arms dealer,
Those are two very different things,
Ah, one would think,
Okay, this one says, "Shit on my chest,"
Shit, Okay, so shit's brown, Brown is also the color of dirt,
Um, chest, like burying a chest? Like treasure? Like pirates?
They literally just want someone to shit on their chest, Gary,
Oh, Right?
It's like, "Go back to Plungr where you belong, scat queen,"
Gary, Gary, this is our guy,
"Fleshpuppet, Collecting lifeless lamb chops for play,
with no strings to hold me down, or attached,"
"Fleshpuppet"?Geppetto would never,
"Collecting lifeless lamb chops for play"?
Mm-hm,
I don't like the sound of that,I do,
Let him take this literal 6'2" lamb chop off our hands,
What does he want with dead bodies?
Fuck them, eat them, fuck them and eat them,
fuck them while eating them,
make a skin suit out of them, sell them for parts,
dress them up like his mom, The list goes on and on,
Haven't you ever seen a movie before?
Anyway, that's none of our business, okay?
We are just the supplier,
Do not go getting a moral compass on me again,
We should probably clean up before he comes over,
Does that really matter at this point?
Gary, just because you're dying does not mean
you shouldn't always look your best,
I was not talking about my appearance,
I was talking about the blood,Oh, my God, Gary, you're right,
We need to give you a makeover!
Cameron, no, Yes!
♪ Squat a little ♪
♪ Squat ♪
♪ Standing there Thinking what you look like ♪
♪ Nobody gives a fuck What you look like ♪
♪ Standing there Thinking what you look like ♪
♪ Nobody gives a fuck What you look like ♪
♪ Standing there Thinking what you look like ♪
♪ Nobody gives a fuck What you look like ♪
♪ When you're lost for moves And you got no game ♪
♪ And you wanna cut loose ♪ ♪ Squat ♪
♪ When you're lost for moves And you got no game ♪
♪ And you wanna cut loose ♪ ♪ Squat ♪
♪ When you lose your cool And you got no shame ♪
♪ And you wanna get rude ♪ ♪ Squat ♪
♪ When you lose your cool And you got no shame ♪
♪ And you wanna get rude ♪
♪ Squat ♪
Ta-da!
Okay, um,,,
I look like me, but in blue,
Yeah,
You are a total zaddy, Gary,
Ooh!Okay, I am a cool,,,
hot zaddy,
Can you please not smoke inside?It's not smoke, it's vaping,
Just don't do it inside,
We just killed a man, but I can't vape inside?
Accidentally killed a man,
Isn't weed supposed to be good for you, with the cancer?
I prefer edibles,No, too many carbs,
Screw it,
How do I work it?You just press the button,
Hold it? Press it?And inhale,
And then what?
Fleshpuppet,
Oh, my God,Buck,
Um,,,
I'm Gary,
All right, Gary,
You gonna let me in or what?Oh, yeah,
Cool,
Mm-hm,
Oh, my God,
Who are you?
Um, Cameron, this is Buck,
Fleshpuppet?
Buck,
Um, you're not,,,
You're, like, hot,Yeah, I know, Life ain't fair,
So where's the body?
Uh, quick question before we begin,
Are you a cop?A cop?
Yes,What? No! Wait, are you?
No,
Are you? You kind of look like a cop,
Oh, uh, thank you,That's not a compliment,
No, I'm not a cop at all, Of course not, I'm not a cop,
Good, 'Cause the dark web's built on trust,
Stitch that into a pillow,
Where are my manners, Buck?
Um, can I offer you something to drink?
Y'all got Red Bull?Oh, my God, I wish,
That's the one thing I don't have,
Fuck!Uh, I don't know
exactly how to get this thing started,
so why don't I just tell you a little bit
about how we got into this pickle?
Cameron and I invited over this gentleman--
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
The body's a man?Uh, yes,
Is that okay?
Mm, body's a body,
Oh, my God, Progressive, You're hot,
Okay, Um, so we invited over this lovely gentleman,
Well, we thought he was lovely,
It turns out that he was really angry--
This closeted fuck came over and fell out the window,
Hmm, That sounds ambiguous,GARY: No, no,
We assure you that everything that happened was an accident,
Where did you kill him?Right outside,
You moved the body?It's in the closet,
That makes your cleanup much trickier,
You guys ever seen Gone Girl?
Just the part with Ben Affleck's dick,
Gary,What? I love Ben Affleck,
So you have never dealt with a crime scene cleanup before,
Um, no,No, No,
Well, lucky for you guys, I come prepared,
Ahem, all right, A little bit about me,
I'm a Capricorn with Cancer rising,
I love long-distance running,
old science textbooks, and fucking dead bodies,
Oh, my God, I am such a sucker for Capricorns, Gary,
Because I'm a Christian,
I'll walk you through the deep clean,
but you're gonna have to do the legwork yourself,
All I need in return is the body, no questions asked,
I'm sorry, um, just the one question
about, uh, "fucking dead bodies"?
No questions asked,
Right, but just the one question
before no questions,No, no, no,
That's all, that's all, that's all,
Thank you so much, Mr, Fleshpuppet,
I'm having second thoughts,Too late,
What do you care what he does to the body?
I care,You wanna keep it?
I don't wanna keep it,Ut-shay up-yay!
Get me out of here! Oh!
Sounds like you got more than one problem on your hands, boys,
No, just Sex and the City,
No, that's Real Housewives of,,,
Reno,
Marathon,
We're Bravoheads,
Bravo,
All right, Y'all got oxygen-based bleach?
Uh,,,I'll go check,
Wow,
Banging fucking house, Gary,
Thank you,Ooh, what's this?
Oh, um,,,
Put that down, Please,
It's just very delicate,
Thank you,
You guys are making very quick work of this,
I'm impressed, I might have to hire you guys,
Yeah, Thank you for all of your help,
Yeah, Who knew crime-scene cleaning could be so exhausting,
You guys mind if I take a smoke break?
I think we should keep working through--
Gary,
Fine, Patio's just--
We already vaped inside, Who cares if he smokes?
Yeah, you're the guest,
Oh, did you want some?
I thought you would never ask,
Oh, sorry, Gary, did you wanna hit it first?
Oh, yes, for the host with the most,
Go on,No, I'm fine,
Suit yourself, narc,
Would you just excuse us for one second, please?
You're trying to embarrass me?
Get in here,Crack is where I draw the line,
Gary--
Oh, my God, this powder room,Well,,,
This was Patty's design,
I would take a more minimalist approach,
Wow, you gave her one room to decorate,
You arean oppressor,
Ah-cha-cha-cha!
Okay, speaking of, can you please be cool out there?
There is nothing cool about crack!
Know how hard it is to get crack offered to you guilt-free?
"Guilt-free"?Yeah,
This isn't a fucking cauliflower-crust pizza,
It's a Class A narcotic!Gary, do you know
how much crack I'd be smoking if I was dying right now?
A lot,Yes, that is correct, A lot,
A lot of fucking crack!Shh!
How does that song go? "Smoke crack like you're dying,"
I've never heard it, but I'm sure that's not how it goes,
Whatever, It's a remix,
We are gonna go out there
and smoke a shit-ton of crack
with the guy who's gonna get this dead body off our hands,
And you'll be cool about it!
Cameron, No!Yes!
Whoa, Nicely done, old boy,
Not too much, Cam,Get fucked,
We just killed a man
and there's a sweet church lady in the closet,
I knew there was a lady upstairs, I love you guys,
I'm gonna smoke as much crack as I want,
because it's been a lot of firsts for me too tonight, Gary,
Where are you going?
Oh-ho-ho!
Holy shit,
Fuck! I feel,,,
I feel like,,,
I remember my first light,
It's like I took a flight, a pleasure in your mind,
It feels just right,
Whoa! Did that just rhyme?
Did you hear that?No, I didn't hear anything,
It's your subconscious, Gary, Guilt's creeping in,
Just ignore it, That's what I do,
Did you hear that?
That sound in your head, it's like a popping sound,
Pop!
Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!
Totally normal, It's your mind expanding, my friends,
Just ignore the demons and focus on the feeling,
The feeling,
I feel,,,
Good,
♪ Where have ♪
♪ Where have you been All my life and ♪
♪ Boy, don't stop taking me ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Midnight in Brooklyn ♪
♪ You leaned in first ♪
♪ I wasn't looking But there you were ♪
♪ My fallen angel ♪
♪ Calling my name Calling my name ♪
♪ My fallen angel ♪
♪ Calling my name Calling my name ♪
♪ Lost in a dark room Walking on air ♪
♪ Don't have to see you To know you're there ♪
♪ Die for the way you're ♪
♪ Dancing on me Dancing on me ♪
♪ Die for the way you're ♪
♪ Dancing on me Dancing on me ♪
♪ The way you make me feel I swear you take me higher ♪
♪ Yes, I'm your every desire ♪
♪ Take me home But take me higher ♪
♪ The way you make me feel I swear you take me higher ♪
♪ Yes, I'm your every desire When you take me higher ♪
♪ Where have ♪
♪ Where have you been All my life and ♪
♪ Boy, don't stop taking me ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Higher than I've ever been ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Higher than the heavens is ♪
♪ No lie ♪
♪ No lie Your hands keep my hands tied ♪
♪ Boy, don't stop taking me ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Higher than I've ever been ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Higher than the heavens is ♪
♪ Jump into diamonds A thousand eyes ♪
♪ Watching the silence As we get higher,,, ♪
Is this what it's like?
What's like?
Yeah, this is what it's like,
Come on,
♪ Come on! ♪ ♪ Where have ♪
♪ Where have you been All my life and ♪
♪ Boy, don't stop taking me ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Higher than I've ever been ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Higher than the heavens is ♪
♪ Where have ♪
♪ Where have you been All my life and ♪
♪ Boy, don't stop taking me ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Higher than I've ever been ♪ ♪ High ♪
♪ Higher than the heavens is ♪
Crack is so bad for you,
Really, really bad,
Very, very, very bad,
For sure,
You guys doing anything for the Rapture?
What? The Rapture,
Doomsday, End times,
I just finished building my bomb shelter,
I got a full kit and everything,
I put all my regalia in there,
You guys are welcome to join me,
Thanks, Fleshpuppet,
What about you, narc?
I don't think I'll be seeing the end of the world,
Don't be such a pessimist,Hey,
He's dying,
That's hot,Keep it in your pants,
How much longer you got?Okay, that's so rude,
You don't ask people that,
Wait, how much longer do you got?
A month,Ooh,
A month?Give or take,
I'm gonna,,,
I'm gonna let you guys
Terms of Endearmentit up together for a little bit,
Gary, I'm gonna go jack off in one of your many bathrooms,
Mm, that's okay, I think, um,,,
we should all go inside now,
Gary, I had no idea,
I didn't tell you, so,,,
I wish you would have,
Cameron,
Where's my egg?
Well, gentlemen, that was, uh,,, That was fun,
But I should probably collect my corpse
and skedaddle before the rest of the world wakes up,
You know, can't be seen dragging a dead body around
in broad daylight, now, can we?
Gary, Gary!
Give me my egg,
What the fuck are you talking about?
Did you put it down your pants?No, that's my dick,
We both saw your dick in the lake, Buck,
and we can all agree it doesn't look anything like that,
Whoa, whoa, Let's be a little empathetic to shrinkage, boys,
That is my great-great-grandmother's
fucking egg, and you better fucking give it back,
Or what?
Boys, Boys,
Come on, there's a better way we can work this out, right?
Right?
All right, You're right, You're right,
You caught me, Let's make a deal, okay?
I will give you your great-grandmother's egg back,,,
if I can have your body after you go,
Oh, my God, You sick fuck!
Okay, okay, You wanna trade?
Give him his egg back and you can get your body,
Oh, that body's already mine,Well, that egg is fucking mine!
Worms are gonna be eating your dead gay ass in a month,
What does it even matter? Jesus,
What does anything fucking matter?
Yeah,
What, did I say something insensitive? Why is he--?
Okay, you know what? Fuck you,
Oh, it's cute you care about your friend,
All right, fine, What do you want?
I get the dead guy's truck,
Why do you want a truck?I Uber'd here,
I lost everything in the divorce,
All right, Whatever, Sure, Deal,
Ah-ah!
My dick isn't tiny,
No, I need you to verbalize it for me,
Tell me,Seriously?
Okay, your dick is not tiny,Thank you,
Okay, All right, Now let's go get you your dead body,
Finally, Jesus,
So he has a habit of falling out,
so just keep that in mind,
This ain't my first rodeo, pal,Hey,
I don't want Buck to have the body,
Gary, it's practically rush hour,
No, we cannot give the body to this,,,
twisted, dark-sided psychopath,
Okay, I'm starting to feel judged,
and I'm about to get mad,
No, no, don't get mad, We're gonna give you your body,
He deserves a proper burial,Jesus Christ, I'm not an animal,
I'm gonna bury him after I'm done fucking him, Jesus,
Open the door and give me the body,
Don't open the door,Open the door, Open the door,
Do not open the door,Shut up! Open the fucking door!
I'm opening the fucking door!Thank you,
What the fuck?What the fuck?
What the fuck?
Shit,
What the fuck?
He's still alive, you fucking idiots,
Oh, my God!
We're in the clear!
I'm not gay!Babe, what?
I'm not gay! I'm not gay!
Now, sir, you've been seriously injured,
I'm afraid that if you don't get medical attention,
you could die,
I can't have my family knowing I was here,
Don't call the cops, please, Please, please, just let me go,
I swear to God I'll never suck cock again,
You'd rather die than have your family know you're gay?
I'm not fucking gay!
I'm not,,,
gay,
Got him,
Oh, my God, you,,, You fucking murdered him again!
Hey, It's my body,He wasn't dead!
He's dead now,
You know, I'm a little upset, guys,
Seeing you try to help him,
Thought we had a deal,
Put him down,
What are you gonna do about it?
Gary!
Gary! Gary!
I told you not to make me angry, narc!
Get off of him!
I can't wait to fuck the death into you,
That's so gross,
That was so hot,
Yeah,
I know,
Where did you get a scooter from?
It's my sons',
Oh,
I know you said never to save your life again, but,,,
I'll allow it this once,
Remember when we only had one body to worry about?
Get in, I know a place,
Now you tell me,
Ever think about where you wanna be buried?
Sorry,
That's so fucked up to ask,
They're probably just gonna give me
some kind of religious burial, no matter what I want,
So who cares?
I care,
I don't know, Just Nicole Kidman me in a lake with my dog,
That's a good choice,
Oscar-worthy,
Sandy? Oh, hi,
Hi,Hi,
Oh, my, Have you been gardening?
Oh, um,,,
A little bit,Heh, good for you!
Mmm,
Look at me, just making myself right at home,
Listen, um, about last night,,,
Oh, I'm so embarrassed,
I don't remember a thing,
You don't?
Oh, God,
Uh-uh,Oh, Sandy, you did seem,,,
very inebriated,
Oh, Gary,
It was right as we--
I was about to watch Sex and the City 2,
and something about,,,
Cynthia,,, Nixon,
Nixon really set you off,
Oh, she really does bother me,
But not as much as Charlotte,Oh, exactly,
Yeah, You were threatening self-harm,
and then you locked yourself in the closet
before we-- I could help you,
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
not the first time I've woken up in a closet,
My husband, God rest his soul,
he practically had to tie me to the bed
to keep me from jumping off the balcony
in the middle of Beaches, that Bette Midler trauma,
I'm sure that's terrible,
I'm so lonely,
Aren't you lonely too, Gary?
Yeah,
Well, I better be getting along,
Gotta hit the road,
Stat,
Okay,
You're a good man, Gary,
I don't care what anyone else says,
Okay,
Okay, bye, Bye, Bye,Bye, Bye,
Bye! Bye-bye! Bye,
Bye-bye!
Oh, my God, Gary, you nailed that,
Did I?Yes, bitch,
The Sex and the City 2 of it all?
You have really come into your own,
Am I officially gay now?
Being gay was inside of you all along, Scarecrow,
This is where I joke about other gay things I want inside of me,
The student becomes the teacher, Namaste,
You wanna know something fucked up?
Ever since I was a little girl,
Last night might be the most alive I've ever felt,
That is so fucked up,
I'm really glad I met you,
Even if multiple people are dead because of it,
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me,
Before I forget,,,
I put it in my pants,
You should keep it,
Something to remember me by,
It's yours, Gary,
You don't have to kiss me, Cameron, Really,
I'm not gonna kiss you,
You're gonna kiss me, Gary,
Wow,
Are you sure that was your first time?
I just fit right in there,
Oh, God,
Gary, I really think you should call your sons,
I don't love the timing of that statement,
Yeah, No, I get that, but,,,
you should,
I wouldn't know what to say,
After all this time,
You do, though,
Thanks for the clothes,Yeah, they look better on you,
Gary, I just,,,
I wanna say,,,
you're hot,
And in case I forget to tell you later,,,
I had a really good time tonight,
Pretty Woman,
Yeah,
Well, if you, um,,,
You wanna call me
or get together again,,,
Cameron,
Thank you,
Mm-hm,
Okay,
"Dear friends and family,,,
After recently coming out as a gay man,
Gary O'Connell died on Sunday, May 31st,
peacefully in his home,"
Gary,
"Memorial service will be held
at Mary Magdalene Church and Cemetery, June 7th,
Donations in his memory may be made to the church,"
What the fuck?
,,,wondering what if it's been me and--
I don't know, I just couldn't get over--
Bullshit,
Hi, Patty,
I got your fucking invitation, you Hallmark hussy,
That card was beautiful and tasteful--
And Gary would have hated it,
Listen, man, You got--No, no, no, That's okay,
I'm here 'cause I cared a lot about Gary,
A lot,
And I got to know the real him,
The him that none of you ever got to see,
And that Gary,,,
that Gary would have hated this,
And you know that,
Don't you, Patty?
Are you finished?I don't know, Am I finished?
I know you think you had a good reason for coming,,,
but let me tell you this,
We all made our choices,
My husband made his choice,
And was it the right one for him at the time? Maybe,
But the truth is, if I had known,
maybe my choices would have been different,
Because this was,,,
never about me standing in the way of what Gary wanted,
This was about him,
And the both of us wasted so much of our lives
trying to be what the other person wanted,
So much trying, so many years,
And we never did get to be who we wanted,
Neither one of us, Ever,
Until the end,
He wasn't sorry, He was angry,
And so I got angry too,
And we both chose to sit in that anger for a long time,
Too long,
But then we made another choice,
And we had the courage to put all that aside,
And that is the man that I finally got to know,
So God help me, don't you dare stand there
and tell me that I didn't know who he was,
I'm sorry,
Good,
Father, I'm so sorry about that,
Hey, What the hell did you think you were doing in there?
Look, I'm not here to cause any trouble,
Well, you did call my mom a "Hallmark hussy,"
Yeah, words just kind of fall out of my mouth sometimes and,,,
I don't know,Right, Understood,
Yeah,
My father reached out,
and he told us that he met a guy,,,
and that that guy said that he should call his family,
And I just wanted to say, because of you,
we got our dad back,,,
for a little while longer,
That's,,,
I'm glad,
And then this,
He wanted to make sure I gave it to you,
He said you'd know what to do with it,
I do,
Could I just,,,?
Um,,,
Can I just get a moment with him?
Can you turn around, please?
Sorry,
Thank you,
Oh, Gary,,,
my lover,,,
my friend,,,
the day I penetrated your virgin hole,,,
Oh, my God,
,,,was the best day of my life!
And we may not be leaving this Earth at the same time,
but at least we came together!
What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck, Fuck,
Let's do some gay shit, Gary,
Stop! Yo! Where are you going?
Are you--?
♪ Midnight in Brooklyn ♪
♪ You leaned in first ♪
♪ I wasn't looking But there you were ♪
♪ My fallen angel ♪
♪ Calling my name Calling my name ♪
♪ My fallen angel ♪
♪ Calling my name Calling my name ♪
♪ Locked in a dark room Walking on air ♪
♪ Don't have to see you To know you're there ♪
♪ Die for the way you're ♪
♪ Dancing on me Dancing on me ♪
♪ Die for the way you're ♪
♪ Dancing on me Dancing on me ♪
♪ Where have ♪
♪ Where have you been All my life and ♪
♪ Boy, don't stop taking me ♪
♪ Higher than I've ever been ♪
♪ Higher than the heavens is ♪
He's coming for you, Duke,
♪ Dripping in diamonds ♪
♪ A thousand eyes ♪
♪ Watching the silence ♪
♪ As we get higher ♪
♪ It's not complicated ♪
♪ Dancing on me Dancing on me ♪
♪ It's elevated ♪
♪ Dancing on me Dancing on me ♪
♪ Too many nights I was trapped in my mind ♪
♪ Trying to break free ♪
♪ Now I surrender ♪
♪ All up on you All up on you ♪
♪ Take me to heaven ♪
♪ All up on you All up on you ♪
♪ Where have ♪
Fuck, Unh!
♪ Where have you been All my life and ♪
Fuck!
♪ Boy, don't stop taking me ♪
♪ Higher than I've ever been ♪
♪ Higher than the heavens is ♪
♪ No lie ♪
♪ No lie Your hands keep my hands tied ♪
♪ Boy, don't stop taking me ♪
♪ Higher than I've ever been ♪
♪ Higher than the heavens is ♪
♪ High ♪