My, that takes you back, doesn't it?
Lauren bacall with her dress on fire, Unforgettable,
That was of course Bueller's theme
from "true to you in my fashion,"
And you're listening to platinum fm,
Keep the change,
That was very generous, thank you,
Here, let me give you our card,
Aaaaaa ca rs,
First in the phone book, first to your destination,
Hope you enjoy northampton,
Seems like a nice, quiet place,
Well you know what they say,
God made the country, but he didn't make the town,
You have a good day,
How can I help?
Hello, Henry,
I'm Steve, I'm in town to look up an old mate,
I heard he moved here just a week or two ago,
I don't have an address, His name'sim mitchum,
I know that's not much to go on,
No, you're right, it's not,
But I've worked with less
and I'm bit of a dark horse on the old interweb, so,,,
Come on, Steve, let's have a poke around,
see what we can find,
James mitchum you say his name is?
Yeah,im,ames,
Jimbo we called him back in the day,
- Bit of a character, - Aren't we all?
Now if he's only been here a couple of weeks
he won't show up on any council records
but if he was drawing benefits then,,,
No, Is he in a licensed trade?
Not really, Unless ladies' man counts as a trade,
If you draw a blank, you could point me to the local pickup spot,
Well, that's fuseli's on castilian street,
or so I'm told, you understand,
Before you go there, let meust check hospital admissions,
just in case, so you can rule it out,
It's not very likely, granted,
but I'm running out of places,,,
Oh, hang on,
Oh, dear,
I hope that's not your friend,
It says here aames mitchum was admitted
to the local hospital only last night,
A&e apparently,
Might not be your friend, name is common enough,
Which way is the hospital?
Out the way you came in,
right up abington street to the top,
right again down York road,
the hospital's at the bottom, you can't miss it,
Thanks,
Let's hope it's a false alarm,
I'm looking forames mitchum
he's a patient here,
Are you a relative?
- Yes, I'm his brother, - And your name?
Bob,
So that would be Robert mitchum?
- Yeah,
- Hm, Well, these records haven't been updated,
but it says he should have gone to the Malcolm Arnold ward,
Just follow the signs,
Excuse me, I'm after a man called mitchum,
came in last night,
Front desk sent me to Malcolm Arnold
but he doesn't seem to be here,
Mitchum, is that the bearded bloke?
Got, uh, hair like a silver fox,
- That's right,
- Oh, yeah, well, obviously he never got
as far as Malcolm Arnold,
but I can take you to him if you'd like,
- I'm heading down that way, - If you're sure?
That will make things much easier,
That's what we're here for,
I really like your hair, by the way,
Thank you, You too,
Yeah, like in the operating theater
they've got this object hidden up near the ceiling,
So if you have an out of body experience
and you can describe this thing,
well that will sort of prove it, yeah?
Only I was thinking, yeah, but what if you're,
like, condemned to hell,
then you wouldn't be going up towards the ceiling then, would you?
So what they should do is have something hidden
under the operating table as well so that,
you know, they've got all options covered,
But then there's purgatory,
I suppose purgatory would be at eye level,
uh, spiritually speaking,
I suppose you could hide something in a light switch,
Oh, well, Here he is,
He's dead, then?
What? You didn't,,,
Oh man, I'm really sorry,
I thought they'd told you,
Yeah,
I,,, I was on duty when he came in,
He fell down some steps, apparently,
at fuseli's in town,
They tried to operate but he died on the table,
No one knows if he had a near death experience or not,
Near enough, I'd say,
What about his personal effects?
Did he have anything on him?
Uh, yeah,
There's his wallet,
And there's his lovely skull ring,
I don't suppose you remember
if he had an ornate gold cross?
Red Rose in the middle,
No, no, I'd have noticed that,
That's very gothic,
All I remember is the psychic atmosphere when he came in,
Very disturbed it was, funny things happening and that,
- Funny things? - Well, yeah,
Coincidences and that,
There was this woman, very nice,
Um, admitted about the same time as your brother,
Lovely blonde,
She'd hung herself,
Well, I say she'd hung herself, it was more,
you know, the old sex games,
Anyway, turns out her name's faith,
And your brother, the last words he said,
well, he wasn't really conscious,
but as he was going into surgery it sounded like he said,
"where's faith gone?"
And I was like, "whoa,"
I think sometimes people look loveliest
when they're at peace,
Not that she's dead, mind, but you know, next best thing,
Just seems such a waste, a beautiful girl like that,
You can tell she was lonely, can't you?
I find I pick up etheric impressions of people,
If she wakes up, can you call me on that number?
Sure, man,
You've got a good energy,
I'm sensing you might be a healer,
Yeah, I do what I can,
Yeah,
Yeah that's what I thought,
I've got a bit of a gift myself,
I see dead people,
You work in a hospital,
Heart of darkness walking tours,
Can I help you?
It's a bad time,
No, no,
We'veust,,, we'veust lost somebody,
I knocked on your door at random,
I heard there might be rooms in the neighborhood,
I'll ask somewhere else, I'm sorry for your loss,
We have a room,
There's a room empty here,
Oh my god, this is so amazing,
You mean the person who,,,
No, no, no, I couldn't impose on your grief,
Oh, oh, what, you mean all this?
Well, I hardly knew him, He only moved in a week or two ago,
I wasust upset because I didn't think
we'd be able to keep the rent up,
Well, look, you'd better come in,
I'm Becky, Becky Cornelius,
- Steve lipman, - God, I'm, like, so relieved,
It's like weust found out, the man who lived here
had an accident and died,
I was completely gutted,
I'm doing a parapsychology course at nene college,
and I thought I was gonna have to give it up,
but this is completely wonderful,
The room'sust up the top here,
What was that stuff you said about walking tours
when you came to the door?
Oh, heart of darkness,
They're walking tours that I do at nights and weekends
to bring in a bit of extra cash,
I call them heart of darkness walking tours
because northampton's at the heart of england,
and because it's,,, it's horrible, but, you know,
like, in a good way,
How's that?
Oh, Well, I mean, all the wars and executions
and murderers and things,
It's good if what you do is walking tours, Um,,,
The bedroom's this way,
Ooh, Um,
These areust some of James's things,
-ames, that's the previous tenant,,, - No, this is fine,
It doesn't look as if, James was it?
As ifames left much in the way of the personal effects,
Bathroom's on the left,
How much did you say the rent was?
Well, this flat is the biggest,
Is a hundred pounds a week all right?
Look, is it okay if I give you two weeks in advance?
Oh, that's amazing,
Oh, thank you, Steve,
Um, do you mind that I call you Steve?
- No,
- For that, I'll pop a free heart of darkness booklet
under your door,
Um, So, what is it that you do anyway?
I mean, you're not a student,
No, at least not of parapsychology,
I'm more of a performer,
- I'm a performance artist, - Oh,
You'll get on well with Brendan then,
He does stand-up comedy,
But, am I right in thinking that you're not
impressed by para psychology?
I mean, not that you should be, but,,,
I don't know much about it, It does seem a little over-complicated to me,
I'm more inclined toward simplicity,
I'm studying zen, though not as diligently as I should,
Zen?
Oh my god, you're a dream come true,
Okay, Oh, Right, Um, Then,
I'll let you settle in,
If you need anything,,,
Mm-hmm,
I mean, teabags, directions, that sort of thing,
- Mm-hmm, - Well then, I'll see you later,
- Mm-hmm, - Bye,
It's Fletcher Dennis,
James mitchum is dead,
Oh, bless you, Mr, Dennis,
You don't know what this means to an old man,
In that bleeder's,,,
No, Mr, Bleeker, it was a nightclub accident,
I followed his trail from Milton keynes to northampton,
That's where I am now, He was dead before I got here,
There's no sign of the gold cross
he stole from your daughter,
Oh,
Now that, that is not so good,
It was a family heirloom, that was, Mr, Dennis,
I've checked his possessions at the morgue,
Searched his room,
Get it back for me,
I 'ii see you get the same as if you done mitchum yourself,
I'll be staying here until theob's done,
Vince, you slag,
You're me own brother and you slept with my Sasha,
I know you did, you nonce!
I bloody know it!
Yes, Dave,
But, is knowledge itself knowable? Eh?
If you're a witty fan and you've missed
any of this week's episodes,
tune in tomorrow for our omnibus,
Coming up next, it's the lackey,
Tickets please,
All tickets please,
He didn'tust beat her, it's bleaker,
If you had seen her in the hospital
you'd want him fishing with the sleepers,
Tickets please,
We both got on at Joseph Conrad ward,
Two singles please,
You know what they say, god made the country,
but he didn't make the town,
Tickets please, All tickets,
- Oh,
Hi, Um,
Oh, Brendan, this is Steve,
He's inames's room,
All right, Steve? Yeah, Becky said you bailed us out,
Do you want some coffee, Steve?
You're a zen monk, is that right?
Not really, I'must drawn to the philosophy,
You know, who is the one who makes the grass green?
Like, monsanto,
Oh get back to your roffley sloths and leave us alone,
It's not rofl sloths,
It's been shit for ages, No, I'm on dreamface if
you must know,
What's that?
Oh, it's a social network for people who never do anything
but only dream about it,
She's a parapsychologist,
Can't sleep for all the monsters that aren't under her bed,
Dreamface is amazing,
There are dream labs all over the world using its database,
Actually, I was putting up a dream I'd had about you,
Well, if it's anything to do with what you think sex is
then I don't want to hear about it,
No, that,,, that would have comedy value,
but no, this wasust miserable,
You were all depressed and curled up under the sink,
It's quite upsetting to be honest,
Well, it's probably because I was crying yesterday,
What are you up to today, Steve?
I thought I'd have a look around,
There was an ad in a newsagents window
I thought I'd check out,
Where's, um, Kingsley road?
Oh, right out the door, right again,
and then straight across the racecourse, Um,,,
It wasn't an ad about pets, was it?
It'sust,,,
We're not allowed pets here, you see,
No, it was an ad for detectives,
We're not allowed detectives either,
I'm looking for the michelson and morley detective agency,
Oh, you want Tim,
He's in the garden with other Tim,
Come on through,
Can't miss it,
Now,,,
Would you like me to get you some pop and biscuits?
No, No, I'll be fine,
Have fun,
Let me know if you change your mind about the biscuits,
They're tropical crumble creams,
Mr, Michelson and Mr, Morley's office,
Do you have an appointment?
Uh, no, I'm afraid I don't,
Saw your advertisement,
My name's Mr, Lipman,
Mr, Michelson, sir, this is Maxine,
I have a Mr, Lipman here at the front office,
He says he's got no appointment,
I t's a deadbeat world, doll-face,
We don't make appointments no more,
Send him through,
Mr, Michelson says he'll see you now,
Took a long look at our new client,
He was about as inconspicuous as a werewolf at a christening,
So, Mr, Lipman,
I'm Tim, This is other Tim,
We don't handle messy divorces
and we have to be in bed by 9:30,
How can we help?
This is the michelson and morley detective agency?
I raise my eyebrow, drunkenly,
This guy was about as smart as a dinosaur at a christening,
So, Mr, Lipman, I'll get right down to business,
We charge 299 a day plus expenses,
which is mostly bus fare and fuel rods,
They're energy drinks,
I'm sorry, I think I've made a mistake coming here,
Better be going,
I bet you practice a lot,
What model do you use?
Is it a black mamba?
299, plus expenses, you said,
He kept putting my previous statements to me
as a question,
He was like a psychiatrist,
Not at a christening or anything,
Just normally,
I liked his style,
Sure, mister, 2,99 of the old simoleons,
Take it or leave it,
The solar paneling on the office doesn't pay for itself, you know,
Well, actually, it sort of does,
Mr, Lipman, you don't mind me saying,
he looks like a guy with a story,
I'm looking for this,
I'm an antiques trader specializing in religious artifacts,
This cross washed up in your town very recently,
If you can tell me anything about his whereabouts,
I'll see you get a bonus,
Cash, Or energy drinks,
You decide,
My heart skipped a beat,
This was it,
I was looking at the legendary Maltese cross,
Okay mister,
You've got yourself a deal,
Leave your contact details with Maxine
and we'll be in touch,
Unless there's anything else we can help you with,
Apparently there's a nightclub in town called fuseli's,
Could you tell me how to get there?
I'd heard of theoint,
It was a cheap saloon full of women and swearing,
Sure, buddy,
It's in castilian street, off st giles street,
Looks like a castle, you can't miss it,
Oh, Mr, Lipman,
Just before you leave, I have a couple of last
little questions,
Firstly, who's the broad?
There isn't a broad,
- There'sust the cross, - There's always a broad,
On another matter, you may have passed a woman on your way in,
Could be she mentioned biscuits,
Was a specific variety referred to?
Think very carefully,
I believe the biscuits in question
were tropical crumble creams,
Thank you, Mr, Lipman,
I think that will be all,
In the meantime, don't leave town,
Would you like to go through?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I remember it like it was just yesterday,
Well, it wasust the day before, I suppose, weren't it, Friday?
Yeah, we got all the students in, all the post-mods and that,
They got one of their bands in what they like,
I forget their name,
It's the one where that lead chap '5 dressed up like Hitler,
Doesn't sound like the sort of thing
my friend would normally have gone for,
He must've looked out of place amongst the younger people,
Oh yeah, yeah, stood right out, he did,
Well, no, not really,
See, we gets all sorts in here,
That Friday, for example, we had her that dressed up
like a draft board,
Monica, I think she's called,
Yeah, she's well-known, locally,
She's got the old, you know, issues,
And then there's that bloke, conqueror,ohn conqueror,
Yeah, he's in here with his lads dealing all the drugs,
You know, his dream drops and his special blend,
He likes to put it about that he does the old black magic,
That's why everyone's so afraid of him,
Well, that and the fact that he's a merciless drug dealer
with a lot of heavies to back him up, obviously,
Sounds like you had quite a busy night,
Honestly, this town at night, you could not make it up,
Well, I suppose you could,
And he was over in the crowd when you first saw him?
Yeah, Right here in the crowd,
Although no, it was more over there,
Yeah, I spotted him when he was coming through the crowd
and right off I thought ooh, he's got an unlucky face,
Why an unlucky face?
Wellust, you know, troubled eyes,
That and the cuts and the blood all over it,
- And the bits of pineapple, - Pineapple?
Yeah, well that's what I thought, but you know
don't wanna ask,
And you was standing 'round about here when you saw him?
Yeah, absolutely, Right here,
Although, no,
No, it's probably more over there,
Yeah, I was stood there, minding my own business,
watching everyone like a hawk,
when he comes spin dancing up to me,
you know, all the dervishing?
Did you notice if he was wearing anything around his neck?
Yeah, Yeah, no, he had a tie on,
110 percent, I remember that,
Although no, No, no, That was when he came in,
After he had a dance, he took it off
and it was hanging from his pocket,
Now he had his collar undone so you could see his chest,
Was he wearing anyewelry?
I'm thinking a gold cross on a chain,
Yeah, Yeah, yeah,
Was it a ring that was shaped like a skull that was on his finger?
No, a gold cross on a chain around his neck,
Oh, no then,
No, No, see, I'd remember something like that,
Pretty sure I would,
No, I helped him over to the wash room,
to help clean up the old fruit pulp and bleeding,
Did you go in the washrooms with him?
Yeah, No, No, there was a disagreement elsewhere,
so I got off, calmed that down,
make sure everyone's still friends,
He must've finished up and gone off after that,
Yeah, he was a bit unsteady on his old pins,
Bit too much to drink,
He might have thought to go down the stairs and outside,
Get some fresh air,
And that was that,
Okay,
If this cross turns up,
or you hear anything,
I'm gonna give you my number,
If something happens, call me,
I'll make it worth your while, mister,,,
Oh, carnaby,
- Elton carnaby, - Hang on,
Hello?
Hello, Mr, Mitchum?
- This is clive, - Clive?
Well, my vampire name is zorlof,
but you wouldn't know that, youust met me yesterday,
- You're the hospital Porter, - Yeah, clive,
Hang on one second, I've gotta take this,
- Good to meet you, Mr, Carnaby, - Elton,
Or Mr, Carnaby, it don't matter,
- You said there'd been a development? - Yeah,
The girl who hung herself,
You said to ring you,
She's dead?
No,
Oh, you mean the vicar,
No, those are her mum and dad,
Turns out she was a vicar's daughter,
but they're often the ones who end up cold and blue lipped
on a mortuary slab, in my experience,
But no, she came round, about an hour ago,
I'll show you to her,
The police are with her now,
Oh, well,,,
After speaking to your father,,,
I'll come back a bit later,
If you'll excuse us, And try not to bother the emergency services further
with your filthy little hobbies,
We'll be on our way,
Can I get you a coffee?
- You all right? - Who are you?
Oh, my name's Steve,
I was visiting a friend, came in same time as you,
He died, unfortunately,
Yeah,
I asked to be notified if you recovered,
I was concerned,
That's uh,,,
That's really good of you,
Just, I'm a bit,,,
I'm a bit confused,
I don't,,, I don't know what's happened to me and I need,,,
Sorry, I'must being stupid,
I think it's best if you leave me alone,
Oh, Sorry,
You know, sometimes we can say things to strangers
we wouldn't wanna burden friends with,
No,
Iust nearly did myself in with the choking game,
Okay?
Yeah, my stupid boyfriend called the paramedics
and it was almost too late,
Wow,
You shouldn't feel bad about that,
- I don't feel bad,
- This is what I'm saying, you shouldn't,
It's,,, it's what happened to me when I was unconscious,
I can't even,,,
Did somebody do something to you?
Not physically,
I thought I was dead,
There's this horrible working man's club,
And these two old time comedians,
But at the same time, they were like, god and Satan,
Oh god, thisust sounds like nothing saying it aloud,
but,,, being stuck there,
Dreams and illusions are serious things,
They can enslave people,
Look, this isust a meaningless coincidence, I'm sure,
but my friend who came in at the same time as you,,,
He said your name when he went into surgery,
He said, "where's faith gone?"
Well, if you had a picture of him,
- but I don't see how,,, - I've got oneust here,
Breathe,
It was real,
I was dancing with him,
I was dancing with James at that club,
I didn't tell you his name wasames,
Look, I don't wanna sound weird, but I,,,
If you need me to see you to your door,
- I 'd be glad to, - No, I wanna talk about this,
- I wanna talk, - Can you call us a cab?
I didn't wanna pressure you if you needed to rest,
No, I wanna go to the place where I was dancing in my dream,
It's a real place that I've heard of,
the St,ames's end working men's club,
Hello, is that aaaaaa cars?
Jimmy's end, eh?
I've not had anybody ask me to take them there
for donkey's years,
Obviously I wouldn't, would I?
I'm Kate moon, this is yaniah,
- with bc,,, - Here we are then,
It's a sorry spectacle,
Although one a blind man would be glad of,
But,,, this isust a derelict site,
Where's,,,
The club? You didn't know, then?
Thought it was funny you asked me to bring you here,
Burned down,
Was it the sixties or the seventies?
Quite a few dead, I remember,
Okay, I think that's enough,
If you couldust take us back to the lady's flat,
Righto,
Yeah, see if that's still there,
Oh, fuck,
Sorry about the,,,
I'm actually aournalist,
When I'm not strangling myself,
Listen, what do you remember about the dream?
Your experience,
It's a bit mixed up,
I don't really remember, you know, my accident,
Iust sort of woke up at this club,
You know, the one we went to, But it was still standing,
The name was up over the door in lights,
And then I was inside,
There were these people,
Horrible people,
Dead people,
They kept telling me that it was hell,
but in the dream I got the sense that it was all an act,
like it was meant to frighten me,
And thenames, your friend,
he arrived and they made me dance with him,
There was this horrible creature that didn't speak,
She tried to get me into this sort of corset thing,
And then I was on stage and so wasames, and,
and,,, did I tell you about the comedy double act,
metterton and matchbright?
We were all on stage and then the lights
were getting brighter and,,,
And then I woke up,
- Hmm, - In the hospital,
In the shit,
Oh, I sound mental, don't I?
No, Sounds like something has happened to you,
I'm sure more will come back later,
You don't remember if James was wearing
a cross around his neck, do you?
A gold cross, ornate,
What, in my dream?
No,
No but why would that matter? It was a dream,
It wasust a piece ofewelry I associated with him,
- Iust thought,,, - That's not the first thing men ask
about old college friends, about theirewelry,
You're notames's friend any more than
you're his brother, are you?
Yeah, you said you were aournalist, didn't you?
No, I'm not an old friend,
I'm a private investigator,
I'm sorry I lied, but the truth scares people off,
You know what I mean, You're a reporter,,,
So if you're an investigator, what's the story withames?
- Is it adultery or what? - No,
My company, we were approached by an elderly man
from London's east end, a market trader
who'd retired with a decent sum of money,
He was,,, he was in a considerable state of distress,
His daughter got entangled with a professional womanizer,
I suppose you'd call it, That wasames,
He'd been living off my client's daughter
and one night he'd beat her savagely,
I went to see her in the hospital,
She'd been tortured,
He'd left her for dead and taken off
with whatever valuables he could find,
Most importantly, a cross,
An heirloom from my client's mother,
It's unlikely his daughter will live,
I felt I had to take the case,
Like I say, I'm sorry for not telling the truth,
even if the truth is miserable,
Yeah,
It is,
You've got my number,
Yeah,
Goodnight,
Night,
Hi, No gig tonight?
Uh, no, No,
Last gig I did on a Sunday, it was fire bombed,
Paramilitaries, Lord's day observance society, apparently,
So, did you find those detectives that were for sale?
Yeah, sort of,
Brendan, you must know the local performance scene,
Is there a band where the front man resembles,
well, he sort of looks like, um,,,
Like Hitler, Yeah, yeah, That's Herbert sherbert,
False awakenings, I know him quite well actually,
He lives round the corner, Watkin terrace,
He's planning to annex Shakespeare road for the lebensraum,
What I heard anyway,
Yeah?
Well, thanks for that,
Maybe see you in the morning,
Maybe, Goodnight,
Well these records haven't been updated,
but your daughter's dead, Mr, Bleeker,
I'm afraid we 'ii have to cover her with very thin tissue,
Thank you, She was all I had,
That woman,,,
You can't blame that on me,
You've got me all wrong,
Just follow the signs,
Morning,
You look nice,
You going out somewhere?
Not really,
I was actuallyust going back to bed,
If you're planning on following me,
don't leave it too long,
or I'll be gone,
Hello,
Morning,
Do you want some gamma bursters?
No, I'm fine, Thanks,
Oh, Hello,
You've got good hair,
- You too, - Thank you,
Are you Herbert sherbert?
Who else would I be?
Look, I'm a private investigator,
I heard you were playing in fuseli's last Friday,
There was an incident, I'm wondering if you,,,
Well, I'm actually busy recording,
Although you could come in, you know,
Um, okay,
You could be a random detective,
Yes, Come in,
Go on,
Welcome,
What's with the blank posters?
Blank?
No, they'reust hung facing the wall,
It's more mysterious that way,
It could be a painting by duchamp,
or, um, that tennis woman scratching her arse,
But then again, I might be lying,
It could be blank,
Anyway, shush for a minute, please!
Lights,
Don't ask me anything until I'm set up,
Is there another name I should call you?
I'm Herbert sherbert,
Don't make me repeat myself,
- I wasust wondering what you saw that night from the stage,
- Was there a scuffle? - A strobe light fight,
A girl in convent, black and white,
That's Monica,
But that's not me,
No,
That was very good,
Is there another name I should call you?
Don't make me repeat myself,
From the stage, was there a scuffle?
I'm gonna ask you one more time,
What interests you, detective?
Don't make me repeat myself,
Look I've had enough, but I'll be back,
You'll hear from me,
Yeah, call me,
Call me,
Call me, Call me,
- What have you been up to? - Uh,,,
I've had some pretty strange dreams,
I called in on the lead singer from the band that were playing in fuseli's
the night mitchum died,
Waste of time,
The man's an absolute artist,
We're no closer to unraveling this mystery, are we?
Well, not your gold cross stuff anyway,
I had a bit of a poke around about the people in my dream,
Comedy double act,
Hm, Metterton and matchbright,
There's loads about them online,
I,,, I know the names, but I can't think of their faces,
No, they were more our parents' generation,
They started out on radio during the war, apparently,
Met in Africa, Part of the entertainment corp,
Late sixtiesumped on the satire bandwagon
and their personal lives around then,
everything turned nasty,
- In what way? - In every way, it looks like,
There was the usual talk of backstage rows
but it was worse than that,
Matchbright's wife killed herself,
and their daughter, she'd come home from school
and found the body in the car,
Never got over it,
Then frank metterton, he'd grown a beard
and long hair in the hippie era and got involved with drugs,
There was a heroin busting in the early seventies
and he had to be admitted into psychiatric care
to get out of a prison sentence,
- After all that, they were finished pretty much,
Nobody wanted to commission new material,
There was this video, an after-pub routine
called "frank and Nick make you sick,"
but that wasust the last nail in the coffin,
Who's that? Anyone important?
No,
No, nothing that can't wait till later,
What happened to them?
That's the funny bit,
At least one of them lived here in northamptonshire back then,
Nick matchbright, He was born here,
Anyway, with their career in pieces,
they decided to stage a comeback tour,
Just around the chicken in a basket circuit,
pubs, clubs, all that,
Then on the opening night there was a fire,
- really terrible, - People were hurt,
Killed, Everybody,
Metterton and matchbright, all the audience, the staff,
Something about the fire doors,
This was in 1973 in the late summer,
- Funny in what way? - It's funny because the venue
was stames's end working men's club,
where I dreamt I was withames,
The place we visited last night, the fire,
that's how it got like that,
And you can't have known that before, Subconsciously,
Look, I didn't even know the place had burned down,
did I, let alone what had happened,
No, I don't suppose you did,
There are still some hardcore fans as well,
There's one site that's been up since the nineties,
Just see if I can find it,
It's on angelfire,
At first, I thought it was funny,
Like a send up,
Then when I realized it wasn't, it'sust sort of lonely,
These dead entertainers are her whole life,
Betty carnaby, her name is,
That's the same last name as the doorman at fuseli's,
Oh, I wasust thinking about you,
Well, no, I wasn't, I was reading my men's mag, obviously,
I dunno why I said that really,
I wasust passing, thought I'd call in,
see if anything had turned up,
Incidentally, I came across a website for two comedians
mickelson and matterton,,,
Metterton and matchbright,
- Is that relative of yours? - Yeah, I should say so, yeah,
It's my mum, that is, yeah,
She's mad about 'em,
No, she is actually,
It's like a mental illness,
Tragic, it's the only word for it,
Or heartbreaking,
And then some of the things she comes out with,
I suppose the only thing you can do is laugh,
Swings and oranges, innit?
I suppose it is,
So the cross wasn't found, I take it,
Uh, nobody's been in here who was here that night,
- might remember something? - No,
No cross, no one that came in,
No, no, nobody, Not a single person,
Not that I can think of,
Yes, actually, now I think about it, there was,
Yeah, she got here about 10 minutes before you did,
She's still here, Monica, Monica beardsley,
Or is it Monica wearsley?
No, I swear, it is the first one,
Yeah, Monica beardsley,
Excuse me,
You're Monica,
Monica beardsley,
Yeah, I know,
Yeah,
A friend of mine was in here last Friday,
He got into some kind of fight,
Had he got like hair?
And eyes,
Yeah, that's him,
Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm,
No, he didn't get in a fight,
I wasust hitting him,
Why were you doing that?
Borderline personality disorder, And he was being friendly,
- Friendly? - With my ass,
That is my place where I sit,
He was drunk and sweaty,
Came out of the crowd,
Touched me,
So I touched him back,
I think I understand,
You used a pineapple,
That's an unusual weapon,
Not really, Pineapple is the most brutal fruit,
It's dense, heavy,
abrasive surface, acidicuice that would strip
the enamel from your teeth,
Was he wearing anyewelry that you noticed?
Yes, he was,
He had a ring on like a skull,
That's like the bone that you have in your head,
Around his neck, he had a cross,
gold, 16 carat looked like,
set in the middle was a Ruby or a garnet possibly,
It's hard to tell, lighting wasn't ideal,
Can you be certain about that?
Might you have imagined it?
Haven't got an imagination,
Thoughts, things like that's a waste of time,
Yeah, Well, I can respect that position,
Was that the last time you saw him, when you were hitting him?
No,
When I was going out, I stepped over him,
He was at the bottom of the stairs,ust twitching,
Twitching,
Still wearing the cross?
Mm, I didn't notice,
He left my ass alone, he was brain damaged,
I wasn't that interested,
Voodoo crew were standing around,
baron's chaps,ohn conqueror,
You could ask them,
I've heard that name, Where do I find him?
The eastern district, blackthorn,
He's usually in the bird and bottle,
Monica, you've been tremendous,
You're the most observant person I've spoken to,
I'm disturbed, I'm not stupid,
Now, you see, with the quantum physics and all that,
Here and then a few years' time
what we will have is a quantum computer,
That can do so many sums at once,
it has the capacity to simulate a universe,
right down to the last fucking particle,
That's definite,
Bought this bloke down before and he says to me,
"if you can do that, then chances are
it's not the first time,"
I said, "what do you mean?"
He said, "well, it's fucking obvious,"
The greater probability is that we are inside a simulation,
"in a simulation, in a simulation,"
I said, "do what?"
And he said, which I'll never forget,
"we are in a series of infinitely nested computer games,"
I said, "as long as it's not that fuckin' escapism game,"
Have you heard about that?
It's been giving young kids mental problems,
Fuckin' shameful,
I'm looking forohn conqueror,
If it's not convenient, Mr, Conqueror, I can,,,
Mr, Conqueror,
You're the one they call the baron, right?
My name's Steve lipman, I'm an antiques trader,
- I'm here in town,,, - Nah, geezer,
I don't think so,
I don't think that's a true thing,
I know you, man,
You're king death,
Death is a star, yeah?
See, you're Fletcher Dennis,
Nothing,
You evidently know who I am, How is that?
Yeah, well, that's the obeah,
I've got second sight,
I'm well tooled up with all that,
Got connections with the lower,
With the spirits, yeah?
The gods,
And broadband,
I'm not here to kill you,
Seen,
I'm not your type, star,
Anyway, I got your name,
And it's not like that dies with me, You know what I mean?
Nah, we're safe,
You got respect in certain circles, man,
Sit down,
So, to what do we owe the pleasure?
I heard you were still in Mexico,
No, no, actually that was a copycat,
I'm here on another matter,
You and your men were at fuseli's last Friday,
There was an accident, somebody died,
Yeah, true,
Diagonal Dan what fell down the stairs,
That weren't us,
We was in there selling our material, right?
We come across him after it had happened,
He was a proper mess though,
Was he wearing a cross around his neck?
An expensive gold cross on a chain?
Nah, man,
If he had been, I'd have took it,
And sounds like you and me would currently be in negotiations
am I right?
Sorry, Can't help,
Unless there's something else,
No, I don't use drugs,
Thank you,
What is your material, this special blend?
Ah, yeah,
Shaman blend,
It's legal work,
Salvia divinorum and ting,
Got synthetic thc sprayed on,
So we can get it past the dogs and into prison,
Biggest market, yeah,
And what with all the voodoo and that,
puts fear into people,
Smoking it makes everyone more receptive, so,,,
It's underneath,
You pull back the curtain,
- And there's,,, - Yeah, girl,
You be easy, yeah,
You don't worry about nothing,
She's new, star,
But she's special,
Treat her careful,
I don't use those sorts of services either,
Ah, see, now you're looking all screw face,
Don't be like that,
Answer it,
Somebody answer the phone,
It's,,,
But you think, if we are inside a computer game,
it's not so much whether you are good or evil necessarily,
as long as you're not boring,
It's the boring characters that get killed first,
Well, not in the black ones I suppose,
Be eight pound 50,
Here, take 10,
On second thoughts, make it nine pounds 63,
Why nine pounds 63?
More interesting,
Mm-hmm, That was good,
- What was it? - It's tofu and leeks,
In soy sauce with wild rice from one of Brendan's recipes,
- He's vegan, - Trying and belong to as many
despised social groups as possible,
I want my life to become a venn diagram of contempt,
So, Steve, how you finding northampton?
I lifted a rock and there it was,
Well, it's pretty black, but it's not boring,
Well, that's why I'm not doing
heart of lightness walking tours,
I mean, it's weird,
The world's first parliament, first industry,
it's where the crusade started and the civil war wrapped up,
And we don't even get a mention on the local weather maps,
It's like being on someone's shit list since the normans,
Ooh, Did you get my booklet?
Yes, thank you, I noticed you mentioned that one of those
old time comedians was born here,
- Something matchbright, was it? - Oh, Nick,
Yeah, Nicholas matchbright,
Not one of our more celebrated residents, but yeah,
Matchbright's partner moved down here too, apparently,
Frank metterton,
He lived near rushton and the triangular lodge,
He had some friends in the area, but something happened,
I don't know, they moved out or died,
I don't know,
I saw that thing that they did when they were drunk,
It was rubbish,
Not comedy legends, basically,
Come on, You can't say that,
The old guys like Barry cryer, they all really rated them,
I mean, Barry said that frank could be a cunt, but,
they broke a lot of ground,
What, so now you're pulling stand-up comedy rank on me,
Yes, Yes, I am, you unreconstructed woman,
All right, "Frank and Nick make you sick," that was unpleasant,
but that was later on,
They were both amazing before that,
Matchbright was in that one film, singular background,
where he plays his own eight month old nephew,
It's amazing, And metterton, he was in a magical order,
yeats' Stella matutina, in the thirties,
He ended up in a feud with Jimmy page and Kenneth anger,
- So yes, I'm pulling the cult rank on you as well,
Excuse me,
I suppose he was a friend of HP lovecraft
and your pulling cthulhu rank on me,
It's funny you should say that,
- Hello? - Hello?
Is that Mr, Dennis?
How are you, Mr, Bleeker?
Well, I'll be feeling a lot fucking better
if I got word on this cross I'm shelling out for you to find,
I spoke today to someone who'd seen mitchum wearing it
down at fuseli's, That's a nightclub here in town,
- These things take time,
- Well, they better not take
too much fucking longer, had they, then?
My Angelica,
Our lovely little girl, She passed away,
I'm sorry to hear that,
Call me the minute that fucking cross turns up,
You'll be hearing from,,,
So are all comedians massive cocks
or is itust you and this metterton guy?
No, it's all of us, Yeah, massive cock comedy,
that's what's filling the stadiums now,
- Everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine,
It'sust, you know, my agent,
Yeah, tell me about it,
I've got the same agent as osama bin laden,
Haven't heard from him in ages,
Anyway, I've got an open spot later on at the sad cafe
so we can leave the washing up till then,
What's that?
Oh, I forgot, It's Monday,
That'll be the tories culling the elderly and infirm
over at the cricket ground,
Anyway, I'm off,
Laters, vegetaters,
Idiot,
It's guy Fawkes night, November fifth,
Did you know that the gunpowder plot
was hatched here in the county?
Possibly at the triangular lodge,
One of the plotter's fathers, Thomas tresham,
had it built when he was under house arrest
for being catholic, basically,
He built it with three sides to represent the holy Trinity,
He was a bit mad at the time,
He thought,,,
I'm sorry, Steve,
I'm giving you the walking tour,
See you in the morning, Becky, Thank you for dinner,
Oh, anytime,
Anytime I can tempt you with a steaming entree,
I'd be glad to,
These are very serious charges
here, miss harrington,
Wasting police time,
Acting in a manner likely to endanger life,
It's what's called a 9-63,
If you could come with us,
Oh, given what hour it is,
your case will be reviewed in night court,
But,,, but I'm not dressed or anything,
You should have thought of that,
- Having a vicar as a father won't help you down here,
This can't be right,
The whole thing, it wasust an accident,
Miss harrington, we know a black accident when we spot one,
But I haven't done anything!
We'll let the court decide that,
Now what is the next case?
It's a young lady, your honor,
Although really, she's not that young is she?
Old enough to butcher,
That's a saying, isn't it, Patricia?
Charged with slutty clothes and euthanasia,
Oh god, Oh god,
Counsel for the defense,
How does your client plead?
Well, she sorta goes, "no, no, please!"
This can't be happening!
Let me go and I'll do anything you want!
"Mercy!"
And then she cries for a bit and sits there looking traumatized,
To be honest, it's a bit of a performance,
She's a blonde, your honor,
- What do you,,, - Silence in the court!
I must insist that the defendant be restrained,
- No! No! - Objection!
Overruled,
Now let that be a lesson to you,
The counsel for the prosecution
will now speak his mouth off,
Thank you, my lad,
Members of theury, let me put it to you,
she's a dirty little girl,
She dresses up in dirty clothes
and does things in the cupboard,
If I may, I'd like to give an outline of her character
through the medium of animal performance,
I want you to imagine, members of theury,
that each of these dogs is a lie the defendant has told,
They seem sweet,
But keep shitting on the floor,
Objection, your honor,
My learned friend is turning the courtroom into a circus,
Overstained,
Now, does the defense have anything further to add?
Eh, no,
No, not really,
I wasust messing about,
No, no further questions,
Members of theury,
How do you find the defendant?
She's over there,
We all end up down here sooner or later,
don't we sweetheart?
That being the case, it is my dismal duty to enforce the law
- unto its fullest and most miserable extent,
You are hereby sentenced to be taken
from this place uncloistered,
in a mean yard open to the sky,
where you'll be finished of your dismal outing,
And may the crows have mercy on your sorry eyes,
And they were all there,
The woman with the dark glasses, she was the stenographer,
And there was the clown,
Am I going mad? Is that what this is?
I don't know, perhaps I cut off the oxygen to my brain,
Perhaps I damaged it,
Iust sat awake all night,
I was afraid to go to sleep in case they'd be there,
Why am I dreaming about these two shitty 1970s comedians?
Or,,, or that skinless woman on heracket,
- It doesn't make any sense,,, - Whoa, whoa, whoa, Skinless woman?
The thing I told you about with the insect noises
following her everywhere,
The back of her coat, she's got this picture of a woman with no skin,
You can see all the muscles,
- What?
- I had this dream yesterday morning that I was awake,
That I'd already woken up and gone downstairs
and my housemate was behaving oddly,
On the back of her robe was the image you describe,
The rear view of a skinless woman's torso,
And there was this buzzing,
Are you fucking me about?
No,
Oh, Christ,
What is all this? Is all this real?
No,
The puddle in the road is real,
This isn't real,
They don't behave like normal dreams,
- You look terrible by the way, - Thanks,
Been up since three am,
I found out that metterton once had
a house here in northamptonshire,
Yeah, the one in rushton,
Yeah, I don't know where that is,
Oh, Oh, I thought I made a discovery,
I found out who the estate agents were
and picked up the keys,
It never sold because of all the ugly stories
there were about the pair of them,
I told them we were newlyweds,
I won't meet them,
Probably didn't need to mention me at all,
Did I say I hadn't had much sleep?
You know this town,
Is there somebody or something you would associate
with a stylized lightning bolt?
What, like an electrical goods shop or what?
Like a lightning bolt icon,
No, who's it from?
Couldn't youust, you know, trace it back?
No,
No, that's the thing, I couldn't,
This is Mike from semilong
who writes, "dear Roger, good to hear you back on the air,"
You could say I've been suffering from sleep deprivation,
Could you play "mystery boys" by huffter Talbot for my wife, Irene?"
Anything to oblige, Mike,
All the way from 1973,
That was a good year,
Here it is, served up on a platinum fm platter,
Platinum platter!
I so in his basement flat“
j“ that's where the spaceman's at“
j“ he's got a kerouac lacquer and a rubber plaque“
j" eight track"
j“ forever feeding back”
j” baby big“
j“ and darling paints her name up on the big black tree,,,'
I'm surprised the estate agent let us come here alone,
Said quite frankly that we could burn it down,
I think it's been on their books for decades,
You'd think having a famous owner, someone would want it,
Not if he's famous for taking loads of heroin
and getting sectioned though,
And black magic,
- What?
- Frank metterton was a member of a magical order
in the thirties,
Brendan told me, He's another of my housemates,
He does transvestite occult HP lovecraft stand-up comedy,
Sounds a bit niche,
He said frank metterton was a member
of a magical group to do with that poet, wb yeats,
Huh, I suppose,
Black magic, poetry,
Pretty much the same,
The invocation, the evocation,
Look at all this,
At least we've learnt he was obsessed with himself,
Ah, this is no good,
Come on, let's lock up and get back to town,
This is Roger sleep,
And we've got Cynthia from ecton brook here on the line,
So Cynthia, tell us, what was the nomination
for the sleep of reason?
Well, Roger, what I find unreasonable
is the flies, I think they're stupid things,
I can't see any need,
Even if you've got your window halfway open,
they still fly into the glass,
And then there's how they rub their hands together
like they're doing something evil to a woman,
I can remember back when I was growing up
they always used to say that houseflies
were the souls of clergymen,
And my auntie bitta, she was always saying that,
you never see a fly on Sunday, and it's true, you don't,
I tell you what, they've never crossed one,
have they, Cynthia?
They've never hit one with a newspaper
and heard the dirty little voices saying prayers?
Do you know, Roger,
when I was a girl, the vicar, Mr, Clark,
couldn't run across the ceiling,
And that wasean from duston,
Oh,esus,
- You okay? - I think so, yeah,
Did you fall asleep? I should've been looking,
O,,, overtaking us, I thought,,,
I thought I saw a car, a black car, and,,,
Steve, they were in it,
Matchbright and the woman, they were in the car!
I realized I was dreaming and,,,
Ssh, it's okay,
- We're okay, - No we're not okay!
Nothing's okay!
I don't know what this is, It's like can dead people be alive in dreams?
Is that possible? It's not, that's not possible,
I don't know anymore,
Becky?
Is everything okay?
Steve,
Oh, I didn't know what to do,
Brendan's out and,,,
Steve, there's a man,
A man?
Around the corner,
He's been there for hours, just standing there,
Wait there,
Who are you?
Actually, I don't much care, You picked the wrong day for,,,
Took a long look,
He wasn't pretty anymore,
Mr, Lipman, I believe we had a deal,
The information you wanted in return
for a certain caffeinated sports drink,
Hi,
He looked about as grateful as a robot,
On anti-robot day,
You'll find our invoice enclosed,
Mr, Lipman, our terms are 30 days,
Don't make us come looking for you,
I felt used and morally weary,
Turning my lower body, I walked into the night
as black as black shoes,
Turning my lower body, I walked off into the night
as black as black shoes,
Oh, sorry,
This yours?
Yes, it's a painting,
It's called the "seven persimmons,"
So it's like a statement about being,
something like that,
Saying that these simple fruits are expressing
the essential qualities of human existence,
That right?
No,
Some of this is quite disturbing,
Disturbing in what way?
In that it contradicts the supposed facts I've based my actions on,
This cross I've been looking for, it isn't a family heirloom passed down
by somebody's dear old mother,
It's a famous piece of rosicrucianewelry
which connects to a multiple murder in the early seventies,
A businessman, Charles kitchener, his wife
and their two dinner guests were executed
at his house in rothwell,
The investigating officer, di Ricky,
he thought the cross was incidental,
that it wasn't the motive of the crime,
More likely it was taken by the killer as a souvenir,
They did have a suspect, but the cross,
the sole piece of evidence was never recovered,
so he was never charged,
Who's the suspect?
An original growth hackney gangster
who worked his way up in the sixties,
Mr, Patrick Edward bleeker, known as patsy,
He is the bereaved old man who wanted me to findames mitchum,
Seems he didn't earn his fortune
in the vegetable trade after all,
Though it says a lot of his associates
did end up as vegetables,
Who's the woman?
Angelica divine,
She was lucky enough to become the second Mrs, Bleeker,
She died in the early hours of yesterday morning, so I'm told,
She's the woman bleeker told me was his daughter,
just like he saidames was the one who brutalized her,
Angie bleeker, bleeker's trophy wife,
How didames mitchum end up with this cross?
How about this,
Angie bleeker's looking for a lover, a daddy type,
Forames mitchum
it must've seemed as if his ship had finally come in,
Perhaps they began a long-term clandestine relationship,
Anyway, Angie comes up with a plan for them to escape together,
She'd have wanted some insurance,
She knows about the murders in the seventies,
She knows about the cross,
She knows it's evidence that will send
bleeker down for life,
She gives the cross to James and she goes
on her own to tell bleeker she's leaving him,
She reasons he won't dare touch her
with the threat of them going to the police,
Only she's drastically misjudged his response,
James finds out somehow what's happened,
Understands who he's been shagging all this time,
so he takes off, escapes to the arse end of nowhere
whichust happens to be northampton,
Except, how does he get from there
to dancing with me in my coma dream,
inside a club that burned down 40 years ago,
run by two dead comedians?
Yeah, I dunno,
This folder,
I don't know who gave it to you,
He was some sort of detective,
Yeah, Yeah, broadly speaking,
That normal then?
Private investigators hiring other private investigators
to do their private investigation for them?
Is it like, I don't know, modern British artists
paying someone else to make the actual stuff?
And what about this seasoned gangster with a massive secret?
What the fuck would he be doing hiring an investigator
in the first place?
Yeah,
Well I'm not really a private investigator, am I?
Evidently not,
You're notames mitchum's brother, like you told the hospital,
You're not his friend, like you told me,
- You're not,,, - An antiques trader, yeah, I know,
Antiques trader?
You never even told me that one, That must've been someone else,
You told the estate agent we were married,
Well, I'm screaming at you and not getting any sex,
we might as well be,
Are you even anything?
Isn't zen buddhism, isn't that all about like
dispensing with like deception and illusion?
Yeah, Yeah, actually you're right about that,
And here you are, man of a thousand fucking faces,
Look, if I don't get the truth this time, the 100 percent truth,
I'm walking out that door,
I mean it, Steve,
If Steve's even your real name,
My real name's Fletcher Dennis,
God, for fuck's sake, I wasoking,
So what do you do when you're not performing
trading antiques, investigating,
swapping college anecdotes or being, I don't know, related to somebody?
And don't say this or that,
Everything all right up there?
Everything's fine, thank you,
Look, sometimes there are people who,,,
According to my value system,,,
Okay,
Some people continually subject others to harm,
distress and even executions,
And what I do is I find those people
and I stop them doing what they're doing,
for an agreed fee,
You're a hit man?
We prefer exit technician,
You can't be fucking serious,
If I was gonna tell you another lie to keep you on side,
is that the one I'd choose?
You actually kill people for a living,
I should get away from you, And from all of this,
I should get as far away as possible,
I'm not sure handling our own problems separately
is the best option,
I'm stuck between an east end villain on the one hand,
and a,,, a troupe of light entertainment ghouls
and specters on the other,
And the one person that I've got on my side,
the one person that I'm supposed to put my trust in
is a morally discriminating hit man!
- Well, we prefer exit,,,
- Is a morally discriminating exit technician,
Fuck,
If you want, I can sit up beside the bed and keep watch,
If it looks like you're distressed
or even if you look like you're dreaming,
I can wake you,
And you'd do that, would you?
You'd stay up all night and watch me sleep,
Yeah,
And not exit me,
J“ me and my friend Mr, Moon
people say we make a perfect pair'
even when we're out of tune
we're so debonair they just don't care
me and my friend Mr, Moon
we're so very versatile besides
he can shine while I can croon
I can strum while he directs the tides
why can't those Russians and Americans
just all agree that he stays with me
It's underneath,
You pull back the curtain,
Answer it,
Somebody answer the phone,
You look as if you're new,
How can I help?
Where am I? Is this,,,
Is this the St,ames's end club?
I didn't know this was still here,
Yes you did,
Excuse me,
I think I'm dreaming,
Oh, I know,
Always best, aren't they, the ones you don't wake up from,
Now, what can I get you?
I don't drink,
Just a glass of smoke then,
You seen the fuss in the papers about the unions?
Ain't it real, eh?
No, the puddle in the road is real,
This is not real,
- What do I owe you? - No charge, darling,
This one's courtesy of Mr, Matchbright over there,
He's one of the proprietors,
Glad you couldoin us, Bob,
Or was it Steve?
Steve, was it?
It's not often we get the quality down here,
I'm Nicky matchbright,
Someone said your film was very good,
Singular background,
Oh, well we must always pay attention to the background,
shouldn't we, Bob?
I mean, I always say that it'sust foreground
or something to hide,
And as for singular, well,
you strike me as a bit singular yourself, Bob,
Steve,
Or was it Fletcher?
Yeah,
You are a bit of a singularity, that's you all right,
- I don't know what you mean, - Don't give me that,
You're a singularity all right, You got the eyes for it,
The light goes into 'em but it don't come out again, Bob,
am I right?
You're not missing any signals,
what with your tremendous fucking gravity,
I'm not sure I follow you,
Look, Steve, The only reason anyone suspects that you exist
is because that's what the mathematics point to,
You're like a big hole and no one knows you're there until they fall in,
Only thing that gives you away is all the devastation
out at your perimeter,
All them post-mortem x-rays when you've swallowed somebody,
The only way we know about all them dead stars inside you
is the quantum ripples on your forehead, son,
Yeah, You've caused a few fires to be put out
before their proper time and don't you know it,
Oh my word, yes,
This is not a recognizable dream,
Something about the texture of it,
Am I in another bardo?
There will never be another bardo, son,
Oh dear, oh dear me, I do apologize,
It's the smoke, It gets down me,
I've been this way since a spot of bother,
A black accident,
You know, from the moment you walked in,
I thought, fuck me, we've got a live one here,
and no mistake,
From the moment you walked in,
You tell him,essie,
It wasessie, wasn't it?
It's not frank, I know that much,
James,
I'mames,
Yeah, course you are,
You'reames mitchum,
Oh god,
You're working for bleeker,
Are you gonna kill me?
No, things have changed,
I've been looking for you,
What?
And what have you come as?
You're frank metterton,
Oh, that's very gratifying that the little people still remember,
But, where are my manners?
Please, please do come in and have a seat,
How?
How are you working all this?
Oh, you know, paste diamonds, props, knicker elastic,
Smoke and mirrors,
But you're dead,
You and your partner, you died in a fire,
Well, yes,
That's where we got the smoke,
And yet you're alive in dreams,
Ah, now we're getting to it, aren't we?
Ghastly old dead entertainers, still alive in culture,
Still alive in dream time, eh?
As if there were the slightest bit of fucking difference,
So this is magic then,
You've done all this with magic,
Oh yes, I remember very clearly,
every last bit done with sorcery,
Or was that poetry?
They're two old friends of mine, and,
with advancing years, I have increasing difficulty
telling them apart,
Both rather highly strung and nobody believes in either of them,
Actually, that suits my purposes,
I mean, I don't suppose the Japanese believed in a bombs,
did they?
And your purposes?
You have designs?
Some sort of an agenda,
An agenda? Fuck me, I sincerely hope not,
Sounds like a board meeting at a mattress company,
No, No, what I've got is a plot, much better,
Good old fashioned word, gunpowder plot,
Never hear about the gunpowder agenda, do you?
Although, guy Fawkes, frankly,
the man couldn't plot to save his life,
It was more like a modern film,
All big explosions and no plot beyond that,
Hopeless,
That girl, faith, why are you hurting her?
Oh, as I recall, she rather hurts herself,
that woman, doesn't she?
It's really nothing personal,
She'sust coma blonde, that's all,
One of my dramatis personae,
She's the one who has to visit this establishment
and then to wake up and tell everyone we're here,
It's part of my plot,
Or my agenda, if you're going to be all corporate about it,
- And mitchum, - Dog food in a suit,
Bait, basically,
He's only here to rope the next one in,
It's like a relay race, except I've rigged the finish,
The next one,
Who's the next one?
That's you, Mr, Dennis,
That's you,
And here you are,
It's a most unenviable position,
Caught between a ruthless psychopathic monster
on the one hand,
And, I suppose,
a violent fruit and veg man with a bad foot on the other,
How is Mr, Bleeker, by the way?
You know bleeker?
How do you,,,
We've never met,
I was more chums with Anne and Charlie kitchener,
who were, I believe, briefly acquainted with him,
Murderer of a friend, that kind of thing,
We're not close,
Basically, we share a mental difficulty
and a taste inewelry and that's it,
You haven't noticed it yet, have you?
That's not,,,
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,
That's not the real thing,
That's a dream,
Oh, yes, you're perfectly right,
but I know where the real thing is,
It's in my keeping, shall we say,
It genuinely is quite beautiful,
Bare, apt the heavy heart,
At the center of the four directions, the four elements,
Is a blood red Rose,
Although, I suspect you're not really the rosicrucian type,
You're more the three rocks and a tray of sand sort, I'd have thought,
Zen buddhism,
Trees falling unobserved and amputees applauding,
I mean, it's a bit peculiar isn't it?
I am the zen Archer,
I'm sworn to the elimination of all falsehood,
All illusion,
Oh, dear,
Oh dear, we can't have that,
And I'd so hoped
that you and I were going to get on
and be pals,
What are we gonna do?
With the nightmares, I'm not sure there's anything we can do,
With bleeker, that's something I have to do alone,
He's dangerous,
Well so am I,
Mm, Really?
Look, you can'tust leave me out of it,
I'm already involved,
If,,, if you end up in trouble with this bleeker man,
all those ghouls will just be after me,
I'll end up on a slab withames,
I'm not sure metterton was that interested in you,
He didn't even refer to you by name,
He called you coma blonde,
- What, like a bit part? - Yeah,
- What a prick!
- He wasn't particularly interested in me either,
The one name he seemed to give a toss about was bleeker,
So it's possible that bleeker was the point of all this?
Metterton has the cross by some means,
Metterton wants bleeker, Bleeker wants the cross,
So in that case,,,
Well, if they're swinging at each other
can't,,, can't weust duck or something?
Yes, for that to work, bleeker would have to
know the cross had been found,
in which case I'd have to tell him,
After which he'd,,,
Mmm, What would he do?
Send somebody to get you,
Sending somebody else was the mistake he made with me,
Besides, I don't think there's anyone in the field who'd,,,
You were gonna say that there was no one in the field
that he could send to get you, weren't you?
Is that because there aren't any more exit technicians
or because you know that no one would take theob?
That one, The second,
There might be a way we could arrange some sort of introduction,
It wouldn't exactly be safe, but if we could make it work,
we'd kill two birds with one stone,
Not literally, of course,
Well, obviously not literally,
These days who kills things with stones?
I think we're in business,
There we go,
Don't even know what it's supposed to be,
You say the first thing that comes in your mouth,
I mean, in your case I suppose that would be uncle Gerald, wouldn't it?
Don't you start on my uncle Gerald,
he was like a father to me,
It's the colors, isn't it?
The orange and the blue, how they vibrate against each other,
Is it saying like that that's the real experience?
It's not about persimmons or all the mental associations
that we make with them,
it'sust about the different frequencies of light,
how they excite our retinas,
Is that it? Something like that?
No, It'd be better if you didn't talk for a moment,
I've gotta make these two calls, then we can go out,
- Mr, Bleeker, - Who's that?
Is that Dennis?
I wasust a-fucking-bout to call you, wasn't I?
You better have some fucking good news for me or,,,
The good news is I know where the cross is,
I was looking at it just last night,
You was? Fuck me,
Mr, Dennis, that is the best news what I've heard all year, Fucking,,,
The bad news is I know about Charles kitchener,
Anne kitchener, their dinner guests and you,
you and your late wife Angelica,
Sorry, your late daughter,
My late,,, what's this?
What's all this about?
- You better,,,
- You knew my terms and conditions,
Mr, Bleeker, It turns out you're in breach of contract,
Breach? You little,,,
Mr, Bleeker, we no longer have an understanding,
I'm afraid the cross is forfeit,
I'm not sure what I shall do with it,
It's not really to my taste,
Selling it would be difficult given its reputation,
Possibly the easiest thing would be to pass it on to the police,
I'll fucking find your fucking mum!
I'll fuck her up the shitter with a shotgun!
Goodnight, Mr, Bleeker,
He sounds lovely,
Hang on,
Who're you calling now?
Thank you very much,
You have a nice night,
- You too, - All right,
You know what to do?
We're a bit early, aren't we? It's not nine o'clock,
No, we're only 60 miles from London,
bleeker could be within the hour,
And if we aren't prepared, nobody's gonna settle
for best out of three,
And you're sure he's gonna come here and that he's gonna come tonight?
It's the only place he knows I've visited,
The only place I've mentioned by name,
He'll be here tonight because he thinks I'll be
in Beijing or somewhere by tomorrow morning,
Look, faith, you don't have to put yourself at risk,
- I can,,, - No, actually I do,
Honestly, I will be fine,
As long as you're being straight with me this time,
You can trust me,
All right then,
Excuse me, miss,
Yeah? What do you want?
There was somebody me and my mates were looking for,
We know he's been in here, like,
We wondered if you'd seen him,
Well, I don't know,
What does he look like?
Well, he's white, little bloke,
Well, he's not big like I am,
He's got this great bush of hair like,
sticking up all over the place,
Yeah, Yeah, come to think of it,
I do remember seeing someone like that,
He had a stripy shirt on, Red and black,
Yeah, yeah, I spoke to him,
That's brilliant, darlin',
She says she's seen him, Mr, Bleeker,
- Says she's talked to him, - Yeah?
Well that's fuckin' blindin', my girl, fuckin' blindin',
Funny fuckin' little fuckin' place,
So you've seen him then, our wooly mate,
Talked to him,
Isn't that what brinsley wasust saying?
We didn't talk long,
He was, you know, he was trying to chat me up,
Yeah?
Yeah I can see how he might do that, yeah, Eh?
So what did he say to you, the little fuckin' cunt wipe?
He,,, you know, you asked me back to his place,
Um, the St,ames's end working men's club,
I,,, Iust told him to fuck off,
Very wise, my girl,
Very fuckin' wise indeed,
You have been a great help,
Have a lovely fuckin' evening, won't you?
That was a bit fuckin' easy, weren't it?
I've got nothing to do with this, I don't know who you are!
That may be so, my girl, may well be so,
Now, behave yourself, get in the motor,
or you won't be having any normal fuckin' babies,
Put it that way,
Look, please, Why don't you let me go?
There's no one here, He never said he lived here,
heust said it was near here,
Nah, this isust the sort of place he'd pick,
the shifty little cunt,
All blind spots and cover,
Come on!
If I were you, I'd save me energy
for trying not to witness anything
and keep me spunk hole shut,
Never should have trusted him, the old quiffed little cunt,
Mr, Bleeker,
I see you found yourself a new school girl bride,
You think this piece of minge is my missus, do ya?
Well, I've got my gun up her arse,
Not very matrimonial, is it?
Judging by your last wife,
I'd say it's fairly representative,
Oh yeah!
You're a funny cunt, no mistake,
Listen, Mr, Fucking Dennis,
She's not mine,
I brought her along here because I thought
she might be yours,
Look, if she's somebody you'veust dragged along
for the hell of it, you're gonna have to let her go
before we can negotiate about the cross,
Like two professionals,
After him!
What's that? Did you get the fucker?
All right Mr, Bleeker, I'must looking,
There's blood, Mr, Bleeker,
Oh, fuckin' sweet as, brinsley, fuckin' sweet as,
Just make sure you finish him off,
The fuckin' ninja twat,
Nah, on second fuckin' thoughts,
keep him alive for preference,
Then I can chop bits off
till he spits out my fucking cross,
I'm counting on you lads,
Brinsley?
Dave?
Oh, fuck,
They're dead, Mr, Bleeker,
Yeah, I know,
I know they're fuckin' dead,
Now you fuckin' come out here,
I told you already, first let the bystander go,
then we can talk about the cross,
You think I'm fuckin' soft!
Eh? Huh?
Even if she ain't one of yours,
you've got the old scout's fuckin' honor, ain't ya? Eh?
You've got your code,
So I had to come the helpless fuckin' cripple,
You don't want her hurt, even if you don't know her
from our fuckin' cat,
This thing about the code,
it's more ofust a memorable affectation,
Like the haircut,
Or my weaponry,
Or zen buddhism,
All of these things, they're variables,
They can be dropped and changed depending on
what the performance calls for,
Execute her if you like,
I'm really not bothered,
Oh, you fuckin' lying bastard!
I knew it!
This bubba yours, is it?
Orust some silly fuckin' cow you're using
to try to get to me?
Now come out now with that fucking cross
or on my fuckin' life I'll blow whatever brains she's fucking got
all over this fuckin' yard,
On my fuckin' life,
I fuckin' trusted you!
I'm notoking,
Out now or down she fuckin' goes!
You told me all those fucking lies
and even then I still fucking believed you!
Come on,
Where's faith gone?
Right,
I fuckin' warned you,
Don't you ever say I didn't fuckin' warn you,
On your fuckin' knees!
Come on, You all right?
You know I didn't mean what I said,
Yeah well I fucking did,
- Wait, are you bleeding? - Yeah, a bit,
I got shot in the leg,
Hang on, Um,
Wait, I didn't hear your gun fire,
I suppose you have silencers or something,
I don't use a gun,
How did you,,,
That's how you were defending me?
Yeah,
What are you, like 12?
It's underrated as a working instrument,
Yeah, well, he underrated it,
Oh, I'm not gonna look at him,
A fucking catapult,
How did you even aim? It's pitch dark,
Light wouldn't be much use,
I have my eyes closed when I fire,
So down in front of the old bus station in a couple of a minutes,
Okay, great, thanks,
Yea h, bye,
Whoa, wait,
So you'll be off now then?
Beijing or somewhere, like you said,
Now this is done,
I don't know,
I don't know that this is done,
Had a bit of trouble recently in Mexico,
Might not be a bad time to drop out, lay low,
Might stick around here alnflelongeh
what do you mean this isn't done?
If bleeker is the one they wanted, then I don't,,,
Faith, We know about them down there in their club,
We don't know what they're doing, far less why they're doing it,
but still, we know, we're loose ends,
No one likes a loose end,
Come on,
What's this?
What's all this then?
I'm not,,,
How the fuck did I end up here?
Fuckin',,,
You're,,,
Fuck,
You're him,
Him off the telly,
You were supposed to be at that party,
You were who I went there for,
But you,,,
Oh, no,
Oh, fuck me,
No,
Patsy,
You'reust in time,
The show's not really started yet and,,,
We've saved you the best seat in the house,
60 miles by road or rail
is the love in my fairytale
60 miles to reach my guy in northampton
it's a feeling I can't explain
I only know that he feels the same
Iust can't wait to be in northampton
northampton
northampton middle england
I wasust a girl who loved from magazines
I was always falling for those storybook guys
I knew how to love someone from watching on TV
lighting all the passions
butust one step behind
but that was then
now times have changed
I find my life's been rearranged
my fantasies have finally all come true
baby since I met you
60 miles by road or rail
is the love in my fairytale
60 miles to reach my guy in northampton
it's a feeling I can't explain
I only know that he feels the same
Iust can't wait to be in northampton
northampton
northampton middle england
60 miles by road or rail
is the love in my fairytale
60 miles to reach my guy in northampton
it's a feeling I can't explain
I only know that he feels the same
Iust can't wait to be in northampton
northampton
northampton middle england
northampton
northampton middle england
The northampton development corporation there
with "60 miles by road or rail,"
And yes, that was a real thing,
You're listening to Roger sleep
and bringing us up to the witching hour,
who better than Mr, Vince Shannon
with the immortal "queen of midnight,"
Take it away, Vince,
queen of midnight
by the neon sign
queen of midnight
where the sidewalks shine
you've got no skin
I see right through
maybe somebody hurt you too
queen of midnight
end of every day
queen of midnight
no one's turned away
you know rejection's never sweet
you took your love out to the street
queen of midnight, cast aside
queen of midnight, no one's bride
queen of midnight, in your pride and pain
queen of midnight, I'm like you
queen of midnight, I hurt too
queen of midnight, make me new again
I've shed skin too
heart plain to see
I'll never hurt you
make love to me
queen of midnight
I knew you can give
queen of midnight
don't leave me here
you know rejection's never sweet
you took your love out on the street
all right
if I've intruded, then all right
you've got somebody else, I guess
and I'll go home alone unless
is that a spark
is she returning through the dark
oh yes she's with me in the dark
queen of midnight