Dario, remember you and your wife are coming to dinner
at our place on Friday,
Yes, all right,
NETFLIX PRESENTS
Don't forget and don't be late,
We'll be there, We'll bring wine too,
Chiara, where have you been?
Friday night at our place, okay?
Sorry, I was at the gym, Of course we'll come,
Matteo, remember you and your wife are coming for dinner on Friday?
All right, I'll be on time, Should I bring some wine?
Giulia, dinner's confirmed for Friday,
Here I am, Sara, Of course I'm coming,
I can't believe you buy that nonsense,
-You and Sara are living proof, -Of what, Francesco?
-That soul mates exist? -Yes,
Do you know many couples still together after 20 years?
Pretend that when I was eight
my parents decided to move to Boston,
-Boston, -Yeah, Boston, okay?
You think I wouldn't have gotten married?
My life would have been lonely
because my soul mate lived in Rome,
I doubt in Boston you'd have found a person you'd still be with,
We can't know that, Anyway, it's the idea that's wrong, you know?
To think there's only one person in the world
who can complete us is ridiculous,
Plato's Symposium even talks about it,
Yeah, right, the apple thing,
It's a more elaborate concept,
-Human were perfect beings, -Yes,
The envious gods decided to split them in half,
Split them in half, right,
And since then, everyone's been seeking their missing half,
Yes, I remember it perfectly, It's bullshit, Francesco,
-What are you talking about? -The hermaphrodite myth,
-You're always so earnest, -But it's beautiful,
Serious conversations, soul mates…
-I believe in it, -What a romantic!
-Put the meat on in 15 minutes? -Sure, boss,
Paradoxically, since you've been together for so long,
you take your relationship with Sara for granted,
-What? -You take me for granted?
That's not true,
Did you have girlfriends before her?
-So? -Well--
-Yes or no? -Nothing serious,
Well, I had serious relationships before Federica,
What?
-But then I saw her… -Right,
I thought, "She's my soul mate,"
That's right, babe,
You're not convinced?
Maybe not,
Not even a bit?
I'm not saying you don't have a good relationship,
It's just that…
You're thinking… You wanna tell them?
-Shall we tell the story? -Go,
We'll tell you a story,
and afterwards you tell us if you still believe in soul mates,
-All right, let's hear it, -Okay? You ready?
More or less two years ago,
Sara and I were just married,
We moved into this house,
We organized a lunch…
-With four friends of ours, -With four friends of ours,
More precisely, I invited two girlfriends,
and Luca invited two male friends of his,
We're there,
Don't mind the mess, We just moved in two days ago,
-You should see my place, -Here they are!
Incredible! Ten minutes early!
Because I invited them half an hour early,
-A little something, -Very nice,
Awesome terrace, Sorry, I'm outta breath,
-A tour of the house? -No,
Some other time, because we don't have long,
-What's going on? -Not a word,
-I promised, relax, -What?
We need to tell you stuff about Sara's friends,
-Are they hot? -Half an hour early for this bullshit?
Yes, too bad you got here half an hour late,
-You saw them at the wedding, -That's right,
-Hi, -Hi,
Now, Giulia,
she's a mathematician,
-What did you get them? -A decanter,
-You? -A lamp,
She works for a financial modeling firm,
-Exactly, -She explained, but I don't get it,
-The one with the long hair, -No, that's Chiara,
Giulia's hair is shorter and wavier,
It's not like you look at her and say,
"Look, there's a statistics and finance graduate,"
No, but she's confident, smart, together,
At first, she comes across as arrogant,
When she looks at you,
it's like she's thinking that you're a fool,
-She's cool, -And the other one?
It's an object that…
-You need it? -Yes,
She's the exact opposite,
-She's dumb, -No, not at all!
She was in college with me, She's an anesthetist,
Doesn't mean a thing,
She's a magnetic girl,
She's always surrounded by people, and when she breaks up with someone…
Why the exact opposite?
Because she's sweet, she's pretty, the girl next door,
but she knows what she wants,
She's cool too,
This is good, very good,
Let's see,
Was that the bell? I'll go let them in,
-I'll come too, -No!
-No, Dario, come on, Damn it, -What the heck?
If I tell you to come at 1:00, just do it!
Half an hour for briefing seems over the top,
Remember, Chiara, long black hair,
Long, black hair,
Why did you tell him about Chiara?
I get it, You and Sara said, "We'll give Matteo, who's affectionate,
sensitive, with his glasses in his pocket…"
It makes perfect sense,
"…the sweet and pretty girl,"
The aggressive one goes to the lawyer who can defend himself,
Can he ever,
Excuse me, Who do you take us for?
Do you think that Sara and I, newlyweds,
spend our time pairing up our friends like Barbie and Ken?
No,
It's just a lunch with friends,
and it just so happens that four of you are single,
-It just so happens? -It just so happens,
Yes, we've been wanting you guys to meet since we got married,
But rather…
What weren't you supposed to tell us?
Our preferences, so as not to condition you,
Right, because honesty…
is the foundation of every healthy, long-lasting marriage,
Absolutely,
Do you really think Sara didn't talk to them about us all week?
No, absolutely not,
What the heck do you know?
This marriage is starting well, with a lie, actually two,
Here they are!
Here they are,
-Hi, -Hello, ladies,
-How are you? -Hi, how are you? Fine,
Thanks! How amazing,
-Hi, -Well…
-They're Dario and Matteo, -Chiara and Giulia,
-Hi, -Hi,
Beer,
-Have you got one? -Yeah,
-Giulia, -Thanks,
-I caught you off guard, -Don't worry,
Will you pour one for me, honey?
-Honey, -Thanks,
Do they have some?
Pizza!
To this amazing dinner!
-Bye, I'm going that way, -Bye,
-I'll call you, okay? -And me?
-No? -No,
The helmet's here,
-Bye, -Bye,
Let's go,
"We just got back and we're sucked in to social media like a couple of kids"?
"We're the worst,"
First person plural,
"Can I ask you something?"
"Are those meringues?"
YES!
"How gross!"
Sounds like I'm making fun of her,
but I'm actually admitting that I sneaked a look at her profile,
And she's telling me she's secretly looking at my photos,
She's a pro,
So…
I'll leave her my number, We'll see,
No, I don't want her number, She has mine,
She has to make the first move, not me,
Her,
Not me, her…
Stella, did you edit Advanced Guide for Pleasing Women?
Yes,
And it's doing really well too,
Who would have thought?
Does it also say how long you should wait before calling someone you just met?
I'm glad my point of view as a woman is being taken into consideration,
Always taken into consideration!
If a guy's cool, he can call you half an hour later!
So, me?
You, a couple of months,
-You're so mean, -Yes,
Excuse me, though, Since when does a guy like you read those books?
You read the horoscope too?
It says at least 24 hours,
But don't call,
So what do I do?
Send a text, like everybody else,
Only losers call,
But 24 hours is nuts, It doesn't make sense,
MATTEO'S MACBOOK PRO
Hello?
Hi, Hi,
Hi, it's Matteo, Luca's friend,
Hi,
How are you?
Hi, Not bad, Thanks
I was wondering, is it too early?
For what?
How long should a man wait
before calling a woman after he's met her?
There's a book that claims 24 hours--
Hello?
My workmate says even right away, and I--
Hello?
He--
-Hello? -Hello,
Sorry, I was in an elevator and lost the connection,
I thought you hung up because it was such a cheesy line,
It was pretty bad,
That's sort of my…
How can I put it? My tactic, let's call it that,
The pity card?
You underestimate how fine the line is between pitiful and endearing,
And after you get a girl to pity you, what happens?
In theory, she accepts an invitation to dinner
and still in theory…
In theory, when?
Tomorrow night?
In theory, where?
I know a fantastic place,
Yes,
Very laid back,
Yes,
Kind of isolated,
Yes,
-Nice, -Bye,
See you tomorrow,
DARIO - I DARE YOU
She's provoking me,
A little flour,
Looks perfect, Perfect, huh?
Now the photo,
Done,
IT'S THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD
Let's send it to Giulia,
C'mon, throw me this hook,
No way,
Yeah, it's so hard to buy meringues from a bakery,
No! What a moron!
No!
I'M A MORON
I didn't want to undermine your confidence,
It's at an all-time low,
but I can forgive you if you'll have dinner with me,
Let's see what she says,
"Okay," Okay!
Who's the master, me or you? Me or you?
It's a wedding, It's impossible, Goodbye,
Good evening, A table for two,
What name is it booked under?
Mr, Smith and Mrs, Smith,
-You didn't book, huh? -No, I didn't think I needed to,
All right, let's go, Can you recommend anywhere nearby?
We're rather isolated,
Which is a plus, Being isolated is a plus,
What an idiot!
All right, let's go,
Welcome! Are you the cousins from Campobasso?
-No, -No,
We're not guests, We came for dinner,
You're all dressed up, Anniversary?
No, first date, Maybe the last,
Your first date? I can't believe it, We had our first date here too,
It's crazy, It can't be, It's destiny,
Maybe you'll get married here too, This place is lucky,
-Congratulations, -Yes,
-No, where are you going? -Far away,
To find somewhere to eat,
You came all the way here,
Stay, You're our guests,
This is a love party,
Plus, those cousins from Campobasso…
Never contradict the bride, It's written under Mr, Smith,
…a big mazel tov for our friends!
Ladies and gentlemen, David and Rebecca Auguri!
-What's the dog's name? -Let's Go,
"Let's Go"?
Pretend your dog's name is Nana, You say, "Let's go, Nana,"
"Let's Go" is quicker, No?
I don't dare imagine what you'll call your kids,
Do you have dogs, cats, goldfish, koalas?
No, I…
Listen, can I ask you an indelicate question?
All this, doesn't it bore you sometimes?
What?
You text me, I reply,
You leave your number, but I don't leave mine,
I text you, You reply,
All this while trying to be clever, witty, never intrusive,
It's easier to meet someone and say,
"I like you, You don't look like a serial killer,"
"Let's fuck,"
If you have to make meringues to go out with a girl,
there's something wrong with the system,
If you're looking for a person to marry, for heaven's sake,
you can talk all night about dogs, cats, koalas,
But for us,
wouldn't it be quicker if we went to my place,
fucked, and watched an episode of Stranger Things before going to bed?
Check, please,
If you haven't seen it yet, you can stay,
What episode are you up to?
The first of the third season,
I've seen it,
It's good, though, very good,
Anyway, no strings attached,
Is that so?
-Good night, -Bye,
Dario!
Call me, please,
What a dick,
We have two different points of view on the matter,
Sara thinks you'd be good with Chiara, long hair,
And you with Giulia, the mathematician,
-She says opposites attract, I think… -Birds of a feather flock together,
Join the tables,
To this amazing dinner!
Bye, I'm going that way,
-Bye, -Bye,
It says at least 24 hours, but don't call,
-So what do I do? -Send a text, like everyone else,
Only losers call,
But 24 hours? That's nuts!
-It's nuts, -And so?
How long to go?
Thirty seven minutes,
You're counting for real?
If you want to call her, do it,
No, look, I'll resist,
I'll go downstairs and get a coffee,
Coffee,
-Bye, -Bye,
Coffee,
Bye, everyone, see you tomorrow,
Giulia?
Matteo!
I didn't expect to see you here,
You didn't expect I could read?
No, It's just, you know, I work here,
Yeah, The editors work upstairs, I came down to get a coffee,
What are you doing?
-Promise you won't get a big head? -I'll try,
I convinced you? Fuck yeah, I'll get a big head! I convinced you,
You talked about it for an hour, You wore me down,
Good,
Now I was looking for something lighter, literally,
Did you have a recipe book in mind?
No, no,
Can you suggest something?
Let's take a look around,
-Why not? -Come,
This way,
I feel guilty,
About what?
I'm making you spend a fortune,
Do you get a cut?
I wish, No, I don't,
I'll pay half,
-Are you insane? -No, really,
At least to pay you back somehow, How many are there? Two, four, six, eight…
I'll pay for three, That's 25%,
25%,
Take me to dinner instead,
Yes,
-Are you blind? -Oh God! Sorry!
Sorry!
He came out of nowhere,
I was reversing out of the parking spot,
The main thing is that he wasn't hurt,
He wasn't, but his moped was damaged, and so was my car,
And hardly ever I use it,
I generally don't deal with these things,
but it's called right of way,
He'll probably end up with contributory negligence,
I'll get the insurance to send me the report,
Thank you,
I'm sorry I made you late, but I didn't know who else to call,
Giulia had your number, so…
It's fine,
Anyway, it's true that it's late,
but we could go get something to eat, You up for it?
Sure,
-I'll get my jacket, -Yes,
Be right back,
The house is nice, It's a quiet area, It's just that my neighbors…
What do they do?
The first night I go to bed,
at a certain point what do I hear?
Beethoven,
Yeah, right, Beethoven…
No, because the next night, Beethoven again,
So I say, "Now I'll go upstairs
and ring their bell,"
I go up,
-Who opens the door? -Who opens the door?
A couple in their 80s, married for 70 years,
Sorry, 80 years old, married for 70 isn't…
Yeah, it's unheard of,
These two were having more fun than me, you get it?
Well, if they're still having sex at 80, good luck to them,
Yeah, I'm happy for them,
except I go back home,
I'm all alone, and I get upset,
because I'm thinking of those two 80-year-olds who…
Meanwhile I'm there with the cat,
-You have a cat? -Yes,
-What's its name? -Renato,
-Renato? -Yes,
-Nice name, -Renato,
-Good evening, -Hello,
What a vision!
-I read Twenty Years Later, -And? Come on!
Why that expression? Is it a no? Could it possibly be a no? Is it?
I give a book 50 pages of goodwill, If it doesn't grab me, I read the end,
You've read 50 pages since yesterday?
-Why, how slow are you? -Apparently a lot,
But I'm fast with restaurants,
I'll take you to this amazing place,
A bit isolated, You can see the stars…
Good,
-Have you booked? -No, There's never anyone there,
-How far away? -An hour, more or less,
Better call them, Maybe it's closed,
Closed? They're always open,
Are we the type that calls? Worried I'm not calling?
-No, but… -I'll call then,
Of course I'll call,
Just a quick toast, I haven't eaten,
-Hello? -Yes,
Do you have a table for two?
I got a wedding,
I'm fully booked, Goodbye,
Was it closed?
There's a wedding,
Confirmed you're psychic, but it's not closed,
I know a nice place nearby,
Did you book? No, I was just…
-Park the car, -Park the car,
-You don't want a ride? -No, the bus stops right at my place,
Thank you for the consultation and for dinner,
Thank you for the company,
Thank you,
What's so funny?
Sorry, I haven't dodged a kiss in years,
But that's enough now, okay?
No, sorry, it's not about you,
Sorry,
I don't go out with guys like you anymore,
"Guys like me"?
-What are you doing? -I get off at the next stop,
Can you explain the concept better?
So, no offense,
you're a one-night-stand guy,
-Who said so? -No one,
It's obvious you're a smooth operator, It's a compliment,
Thank goodness it's a compliment,
I don't believe it, They're okay,
but you can't say you prefer the supermarket brand to the original,
They've done studies using different parameters,
ingredients, the packaging quality, dunk resistance,
What parameter is that?
They saw that supermarket shortbread is the best,
Aren't you over it?
You text me, we go out to dinner,
you come to my place, we fuck, and then?
Each back to their own place,
No, I want cuddles, the couch, the afterwards,
Look, you're absolutely right,
I'm not looking for anything serious, I'm not sitting on couches,
-See? -Yes,
During what part of the evening did you realize this?
Already at Luca's and Sara's, no offense,
You had meat, I had fish,
I would've drunk red, but we're drinking white,
We have different musical tastes,
and we don't even agree on shortbread,
From my experience, tonight,
you seemed like you…
Like…
-Like… -Like…
You were up for it!
So totally not,
Because I was more relaxed?
Maybe because I immediately crossed you off,
-Dogs or cats? -Cats, obviously,
-Beach or mountains? -Seriously? Beach,
Wait, dogs,
Yeah, and mountains all my life,
Mountains make you want to slit your wrists,
I get bored at the beach,
Because you don't read the right books,
That's the reason,
I can accept you standing me up, even if you decide so in advance,
but that makes you, carefree…
I'd say irresistible,
-See what you're like? -What am I like?
-"You're irresistible," -Irresistible,
And then what do you say?
That my father stole two stars to make my eyes…
I'll call you after I hear from the insurance company,
-We can be friends though, -No,
I don't make friends with girls like you,
Girls like me?
Pay attention, This is fundamental,
Do you put the toilet paper so it rolls from the top
or from the bottom?
I don't use any,
What…
I'd like to keep working in Italy,
but abroad they pay you €50,000 for three months,
Of course,
-It's not just about money, -No, of course not,
It's the value society places on your work,
Exactly, that's it,
Thank you,
Wow, the two of us agree on everything,
Yeah, it's starting to get boring,
This is me, You can escape from this failed evening,
Well, good night,
I was kidding,
Why leave now that we're finding things in common?
2 MONTHS LATER
-What's wrong? -Nothing,
Listen…
I knew there was something,
-No, just for fun, Stella… -Yes,
…is following this book,
Things Couples Don't Know about Each Other,
I guess you read it,
I read everything, You know, everything,
Anyway, that's not…
Anyway, apparently, to figure out if you're in a stable relationship,
count the things she leaves at your place,
At 20, it becomes girlfriend status,
Now…
Now, except that I find it very offensive
that this book says a woman marks her territory like a dog,
All just to earn the label of girlfriend,
Anyway, I don't make it to 20,
-No? -No, I don't,
We'll see, Because that's what you're saying,
-Let's go, -Let's look at the facts,
-Let's see, Come on, -So…
One,
Pajama, two,
Looky here!
That doesn't count because you eat it too,
No, I only buy it for you, so it counts,
It totally counts!
Take them off for a moment,
Four,
Is it my fault if you don't have slippers for guests?
Four,
Two pairs of panties, two socks, two T-shirts,
Look at this,
Shampoo for wavy hair, 13,
Angela's Ashes, yours,
-What's this called? -Come on,
Razor,
What's this? Eighteen,
If math isn't an opinion…
We have a makeup bag,
Inside there's foundation, mascara, lipstick--
The bag counts as one thing,
but if you want to win by cheating, fine,
All right, it counts for one, Nineteen,
Fine, you can reassure the author of the book
that I haven't marked any territory, and that we're not officially a thing,
Pity,
Yours,
I have to throw this out,
-Don't throw it out, -Yes, it's a rag,
-No, it's soft, -Give it to me,
No,
And it's got your scent,
-Do you like it? -Yes,
Really?
Do you really want it?
-It's yours, -Thank you,
Shall I say or will you?
Twenty,
Fucking come on! Yes!
-It's Roberta? -Roberta?
-Who's Roberta? -No, no, no,
Yeah, the girl from the gym,
I don't want to see anyone tonight,
So the noble pecker…
The noble…
Okay, I'll tell her I'll call later,
-Happy? -Personally, I don't give a damn,
Let's go!
ARE YOU AWAKE?
YES!
I gotta go,
I need to drop in at home,
I'm late,
I got shortbread,
They're supermarket brand, but I prefer them,
Me too, it's 'cause of the…
-…dunking, -Dunking,
Right,
How did the Lisbon job interview go?
It went,
They need a company analyst, That's not my field,
Don't you have to see that lawyer you can't stand?
Marrale? He got the settlement pushed back a few months,
For sure he's gonna screw me again,
Who is it?
Giorgio, a guy from work,
-Have a good day, -You too,
-Bye, -Bye,
-Sorry, I can't make it, -I gathered,
-I didn't hear the alarm, -Did you go out last night too?
No, I binged a series until 2:00,
Giorgio's writing to me, a guy from work,
He's asking stuff he could check by email,
but this way he has an excuse to text me, How sweet,
You know who made a pass at me? Dario,
-Who? -Dario,
Luca's friend, You gave me his number, Come on,
-The lawyer with the nice ass, Sure, -Yes,
He tried to kiss me, but me nada,
You avenged 99% of the women who've been with him,
I gotta answer Giorgio who keeps texting me,
What does he want?
He wants to know when I did a report,
I remember, it was a Saturday,
and I was at home, 'cause I got my period,
Describe the situation to him, It'll put him off,
-Kisses, -Bye,
Bye,
Dear Giorgio,
I finished it a month ago,
No, two months ago,
Shit!
-Matteo? -Giulia,
Did you hear me spit? I'm brushing my teeth,
I'm going out with Dario, Sorry,
Didn't hear the spit,
So I'm a jerk because I told you,
I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry,
Don't be sorry, Forget about it,
-I'll call you later, -No, what is it?
Can we meet later? I need to tell you something in person,
Are you pregnant that we have to see each other…?
Giulia, are you pregnant?
I didn't want to tell you over the phone,
But if I say no now and then yes in person,
it's not a great idea,
-I'm a jerk, Sorry, -Stop saying you're sorry,
-I'll be right there, -Yeah,
-I don't have any food, -Doesn't matter,
I'm starving,
-I'll bring a couple of pizzas, -Okay, Thanks,
Be right there,
Fuck, a baby,
Fuck,
May I?
-Hi, -Here I am,
I didn't get the pizza with mild salami because you…
-I don't know if you can eat it, You're… -Pregnant?
I got a vegetarian one, a potato and cheese one, and a Margherita,
I could have eaten the other one, but…
I got these, I didn't know what you like,
I got these, Maybe I'm close…
Forget about the pizzas, Let's sit down,
-Shoot with the embarrassing questions, -Yes,
Standing up,
I don't know… I can't find a way to make it sound…
So it doesn't sound bad or unpleasant,
It's yours, There haven't been any others,
I had no doubt,
So, what's the question that sounds bad?
-Do you want to keep it? -Yes,
All right,
I'm sorry if you…
No,
Just because I want it doesn't mean you have to,
If you want me to want it, I want it, Do you want me to want it?
I'd prefer you to be present,
Shall we get married?
-You and me? -Yes, who else?
If you want, I'll marry you, Wanna get married?
Let's take it slowly,
-Let's not rush things, -Just saying, anyway I'm in,
-I'm in for all of it, -Very good,
Except for those tacky photos with hand hearts…
I've never figured out how to make the heart,
But if you really want them, we'll do them,
When you say "be present"…
Yes,
What do you mean on a scale of one to ten?
One to ten?
Where one is
everyone does their own thing, but the baby knows his father,
and ten is a couple married for five years,
We'll name him after Grandpa,
-As a frame of reference, -Seven?
Seven's fantastic,
-Seven, what's that? -It's excellent,
Seven… I don't know, but it's excellent,
This is the moment for a nice slice of pizza,
Pizza? Yes, pizza,
-Pizza with… -Potato and cheese,
Can I rest my legs on you?
God…
Here we are,
All right, Seven?
-Seven, -Seven,
Then we'll have to figure out… I'll make the house available,
It's one thing if your parents…
-Do you have parents? -Yes,
-Don't count on mine, -No?
Try and put your hand on my belly,
No, I'm kidding,
My God…
I hate that stuff,
But you'll be beautiful,
-A beach ball, -Stop it,
Impossible,
-You ready? -I am,
-I think they'll be all right, -But they just met,
They make a cute couple,
What are you laughing at?
If you didn't know they made a baby on their first date,
could you tell from their behavior?
But they made a baby on their first date,
I'd be freaking out,
Me too, but it doesn't mean it has to go badly,
No, for heaven's sake, let's hope…
-Let's hope for the best, -Bye, Good night,
-Good night, -Good night,
-Bye, -Good night,
Let's hope for the best for those two,
You know what I read?
I read this book that says
that to understand if you have a serious relationship
you just count the things your woman has left at your place,
If she has left more than 20, you're officially together,
-A book of great depth, -Well, whatever,
How many things did Giulia leave at Matteo's?
Giulia's never set foot inside Matteo's house,
Exactly, how can you raise a child like that?
What about kids of divorced parents?
That's another matter,
Two people fall in love, get married, have kids,
then love ends, period,
But having kids like that without even being together is madness,
They can raise it together without being together,
Like two normal people, like friends,
What?
Didn't you say friendship's impossible between a man and a woman?
No,
I said that I can't be friends with you,
not with women in general,
Even though, now that we'll be aunty and uncle
and they'll desperately need help,
I'll have to make an exception,
Are you asking me to be your friend?
I'm touched, Come on, Yes,
-Thank you, -It was a pleasure,
I'll be right there,
We didn't introduce ourselves,
I'm Claudia,
ARE YOU AT HOME?
NOT ALONE
GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES
Darling, good morning,
Dario, who the fuck is this?
How could you do this to me?
How could you do this to me and Renato?
My father's still paying off the wedding,
Four hundred people!
You disgust me, I hate you!
Are you crazy? She's gone,
Has she gone?
You're crazy!
You're crazy,
Was that fun?
Heaps, I'd never make a scene like that in real life,
You were very good,
For a moment I thought you really were jealous,
Yeah?
Let me know if you want to see any of them again,
because maybe you'll get married, and I'll always be your cheated-on ex,
I won't be seeing any of them again,
Jealous scenes aside,
what do you want from me at 9:00 on a Sunday morning?
Ikea,
Ikea? Being your friend
has got a lot of advantages,
This morning I woke up and said, "I want to go to Ikea,"
But who looked after this doggy for days
while you were traveling around being a hotshot lawyer?
I spent two days in La Spezia last month for a trial that I lost,
Doesn't mean anything,
The keys,
Keep them,
The guy who invented diaper pails is a genius!
€50 for a plastic pail!
It treats the smells, but it's still a plastic pail,
€50 is highway robbery!
What do you think of Andrea?
Who's Andrea?
Andrea,
Andrea no,
The world's full of them, Something a bit more…
more original,
Like Vega,
-Vega? -It's cool,
Like the star?
You know a star called Vega exists? You're a child prodigy!
Anyway, not that,
More like a character from Street Fighter,
The one with the mask, the claw…
Yeah, well, my favorite character's Bruce Wayne,
but it doesn't mean I'm calling my kid Batman,
You know what'd be amazing?
-We'll call one Bruce, -Yes,
In honor of Bruce Willis, Perfect,
And the other, Wayne,
in honor of Wayne Rooney,
What's so funny? You don't even know who he is,
-Can I help you? -No, thank you,
We're ridiculous,
We haven't been together for long, and we're in a baby store,
People go where they can, where they want…
-Surrounded by onesies and strollers… -Yeah,
First you should get together, then get married…
-All right… -What's wrong?
I was thinking that if you let some time pass
between one kid and the next…
Look, hold it, I'll stop you right there,
There's no one rushing us, no one,
Congratulations!
Is there already a date?
Either we get married in three months or…
-In a year and three months, -So we'll get married in three months!
-Are you insane? -Not at all,
It's a good thing,
-Baby, tell them it's awesome, -It's fantastic,
We're gonna do something laid back,
It starts with something laid back,
and it ends up with 400 guests in the blink of an eye,
Dario?
Right?
Yes,
Got a light?
-Bye, -I'm Claudia, I work with Marrale,
Yes, I remember perfectly,
Perfectly?
-Do you live around here? -No, I'm out with friends,
I live here,
-Have a good night, -You too,
She's not the only one who made a pass at me recently,
Should I compliment you on all your latest conquests?
No, the opposite,
In recent months, there haven't been any conquests,
There haven't been any nights out,
There haven't been other women,
Only…
Only you,
How about you?
What?
No, me neither,
Hello?
Hi,
Giulia, I emailed you the balance sheet,
-Thank you so much, Bye, -You too, Speak later,
"You have been selected for the position at Fexadur Finança,
head office in Lisbon, Portugal,"
Chiara, I got the job!
-Where? -Lisbon,
Really? I'm so happy,
-I just got the email, -We gotta celebrate!
I'll organize it, You're the first person I called,
Well done!
What's going on?
Two months ago, I interviewed for a job in Lisbon,
-You know market microstructure? -Of course,
High frequency trading?
Anyway, I can't go,
Why?
-When does it start? -In June,
In June, How long is it for?
Six months, Anyway it's out of the question,
The baby won't be born before February,
The three of us could leave in June,
No?
You take maternity leave, and we have all spring to get organized,
-Are you serious? -Extremely serious,
What about your job?
It's not a problem, There's email, video calls, Relax,
If you want to go, if it weren't for…
-LeBrown, -It's not LeBrown, It's pronounced LeBron,
LeBron,
-Really? -Yes,
We'll all leave together?
Really?
We're leaving,
If your baby's mother has to go,
I understand you want to go with her,
but I have to say something, I don't want to upset you,
What is it?
Aldo's retiring,
and a consultant will be promoted to series editor,
and you have all the credentials for that job,
Thank you,
It means working closely with the authors,
responsibility for editorial choices and acquisitions,
-But… -It can't be done remotely,
Exactly,
Stella would be perfect for that job, Perfect,
Yes, she's very good,
Who the fuck's Stella?
What? She's my workmate, You met her,
I don't remember,
The boss wanted to give you that job, right?
Yes, but what mattered for me was that I could leave with Giulia
and keep my job,
Until yesterday I didn't know about the promotion,
Giving away a promotion is madness,
I didn't give anything away, Stella deserves it,
Stella, what a stupid name,
What is it? What did I say?
No!
You wanna call the kid Stella?
Yes?
That's mean!
All right then…
So you're into her?
-You like her, -No,
-You like her, -Please!
-Say it, -Cut it out,
I like her,
-I like her, -You like her? What does that mean?
No, wait, I mean, if it was in another context…
I'll remind you you're expected at home…
-Are you nervous? -You too? Everyone's asked that!
I wasn't before,
You look…
You look beautiful,
You're nervous,
Hi,
Hold on,
You went to a wedding last year, right?
-We did, -Yes, to Matteo's wedding,
A killer buffet,
-Bad? -No, The opposite, I mean, pharaonic,
-So you didn't make it up? -No, as if I would make up a wedding,
I get that, but it can't all be true, can it? Who did Matteo marry?
-It's not important, -I wanna know how it ends,
Fine, So, Giulia's job in Lisbon was starting in June,
Now we'll be apart for a while, can you avoid acting pissed?
I'm not pissed, Do I seem pissed?
Why are you behaving like this?
I'm just being attentive,
You seem cold, detached,
If not, then you say that I don't support you,
that I don't want you to leave,
I've never thought that,
You were wrong,
I don't want you to leave,
You shouldn't have come to the airport, The situation will get to you and…
Which situation?
For months I hoped you'd change your mind,
Why didn't you tell me?
I don't know how to say certain things,
Would you have stayed?
-It's only six months, -I knew it,
Please, don't fill them with useless fights,
Oh God! I forgot my ticket,
Kidding,
Passengers flying to Lisbon are requested to…
No, not a baby,
I hope he's not sitting next to me,
If he does this on the plane, we won't make it to Lisbon,
They'll take him out first,
Let's see if I can calm him down,
-Easy, easy, -Wait,
-Come to Daddy, -There we go,
Come to Daddy, Hey,
Hey, Hello,
There we are,
I know, traveling's a pain, but you mustn't cry,
We're going somewhere amazing where there'll be whales,
the ocean, and we'll see all these wonderful things,
and you won't remember anything because you're too little,
Just think,
This is where my reasoning comes into its own,
You won't even remember this awful trip,
See? No need to cry,
We love you, even when you seem possessed by Beelzebub,
-I love you, -Mommy loves you,
Little monster, Mommy loves you,
I was talking to you,
You'll be good for Daddy, huh?
You're a cheeky boy,
Please, guys, speed up, Dario, one step after another,
Jeez, so stressful!
You know it's important to me, I've wanted to go since we arrived!
And this is the season for humpbacks,
and this is the best spot for humpbacks,
Good morning,
A little enthusiasm! You too, darling,
He's doing this to give himself airs,
Darling, you go,
Do you want us to stay as well? We'll all be together,
Don't even try, Someone has to see the humpbacks,
Not me, not Andrea, but someone has to see them,
Where's he going?
Guys, come on…
Don't look at me like that,
-See you later! -See you later!
In Portuguese humpback is…
Baleia jubarte,
-Whereas the scientific name… -I think it's Megaptera,
From Megapterion, large wings,
-Did you do classical studies? -Yes,
-So did I, -Good,
Look!
See the wings?
You see?
The fuck's he laughing at?
So beautiful,
Why's he running away?
I had my mouth open,
Did you see how close they were? Beautiful, right?
Really beautiful,
Dario, I have something to tell you,
What happened today was a moment…
I'm not rejecting you again, It's just that…
I care about our friendship, I know it's a cliché, but--
Look, I was just going to the bathroom,
Sorry,
Anyhow, I feel the same way,
-Just as well, -Don't worry,
Just as well,
Good night,
You're having fun, huh?
Yes,
We're here for you, You always say you want to meet my friends,
I'm tired after the trip, that's all,
Go,
Will you get my stuff?
Thank you,
We've been fighting since he landed,
Because you miss each other,
-Did you tell him? -No, Not yet,
To Lisbon!
Hello, darling,
Here we are,
-Are you having fun? -Heaps,
-You're not still considering the offer? -No,
Don't feel guilty,
Staying another six months isn't a problem,
After all, it's your project,
I'm not doing it because I feel guilty,
Doing what?
I love you,
What is it?
The mating songs of whales when they're coupling,
He sent me six audio files like this, He's sick,
Yep,
Just imagine how he'll bug me 'cause I didn't go to see them,
I miss him and Chiara so much,
Not long now,
In a couple of months, you'll see them,
By the way, the department head asked me to stay on until next summer,
It's to finish a project I'm collaborating on,
-And you're telling me now? -Sorry, When was I supposed to tell you?
-Anytime, -All we've done is fight!
-What's that got to do with it? -I didn't want to add another reason,
This is the reason!
-Have you already decided? -No, I'm asking you,
You're asking me half an hour before I leave,
Do what the fuck you want,
You park, I'll go check in, I'll see you inside,
Yeah,
Where are you?
At security,
I thought we were meeting at the check-in,
I'm in line, There are lots of people,
You're leaving without even saying goodbye?
Of course I will,
Bye,
ROME, 2 MONTHS LATER
-Here he is, -Sorry I'm late,
-We've already started, -You did the right thing,
Alberto's on shift at the hospital, He has to leave soon,
Alberto,
-Nice to meet you, -Dario,
He's Chiara's boyfriend, She wanted us to meet him, so…
-Can I have a spritz too? -Right away, There you go,
-Spritz! -Alberto's a fun guy,
Cheers,
Honestly, it's eating me up, Alberto, I'm envious,
-We should go to Lisbon too, -As soon as we can, let's go,
You know what's really cool there? Whale watching,
Sure,
They had one right in front of them,
-You don't say? -Yeah, absolutely,
You shit yourself, They've got these teeth,
You do a bit,
It's an amazing experience, isn't it?
Definitely,
I went whale watching in Argentina,
-Really? -Yeah?
-Where? -Tierra del Fuego,
I've always wanted to go to Argentina,
-You don't say? -No, I'm telling you,
If you like, we can go and leave you to it,
so you can have your tête-à-tête,
-We'll go to Patagonia together, -Yeah, let's, Let's go to Patagonia!
-Thanks for the ride, -Not at all,
It's the third Sunday in a row Alberto's had to work,
-You don't say? -He does back-breaking shifts,
Why are you laughing?
Have you noticed Alberto constantly says, "You don't say"?
Right?
"We saw the whales," "You don't say?"
"Lunch is ready," "You don't say?"
"Achoo!" "You don't say?"
-You think you're funny? -I'm just making fun of him, for laughs,
That's my boyfriend you're making fun of,
You met three weeks ago, and now you're an item,
Are you jealous?
As if!
Are you annoyed I fell in love?
-In love? -Yes,
-Is that right? -Yes,
-See, you're jealous, -You want me to be,
Me? At lunch, you acted like a jerk just to irritate me,
You're not allowed to get irritated,
You don't go out with guys like me,
-I don't even want to be friends, -Me neither, Get out,
You're going to dump me on the road,
You're home, Get out,
Bye,
When you're here, I feel strong, brilliant,
You're always brilliant,
-What are you doing? -It's the right time for me,
But it isn't for me,
We've been trying for months,
-Have you changed your mind? -No, of course not!
But what do we say? Do we tell him he was conceived in a toilet?
No,
But then we get home, You're tipsy, You get on the couch,
-You don't want to, -I don't want to now,
It's not a button you can press, and it switches on, Come on,
This is a business dinner, Don't be like this,
Let's go,
I really enjoyed it,
All that violence, the blood…
I can bear witness, He didn't sleep all night,
Tell him, honey,
Yes, but people don't expect this kind of literature from me,
They don't get horror,
I know that too,
But now I'm the creative director, you'll be the new Stephen King,
The new Shirley Jackson,
Shirley Jackson, Stephen King…
I'd already thrown the towel in with this book,
What do you mean? You can't, No, Don't even think about it,
Now I'm here, I found you a publisher in London, Relax,
There's a publisher in London interested in publishing the book?
Yes, Exactly,
"Buried Remains," Listen to how that sounds,
It might work,
-Of course it will, -Yes,
LONDON, 2 MONTHS LATER
When he heard the figure, he burst out laughing,
No, He went to the airport after dinner, He was glowing,
Yes, a success,
All right, speak tomorrow,
This is huge, eh?
Did you see the face he pulled when I told him the title?
His eyes were shining,
He's the top when it comes to noir,
Pity about the horror,
What a crap idea I had!
Actually, thank you
for stopping me in time,
No, kidding aside,
I feel guilty because this job would have gone to you,
-What're you talking about? -It's true,
-It should've been you, not me, -No!
No, look at you, You're perfect,
And you've always been better than me,
Are you embarrassed?
-Should we have a drink? -Yes,
No one did as well as you in their first year as an editor,
-You think so? -Yes,
Here's to you,
You worked so hard you didn't have time to get a haircut,
Chiara, I fucked up in London,
How?
I was depressed because the meetings were going badly,
I stopped by Stella's room,
I don't get it, Stella's?
-Stella… -Yes,
It didn't mean anything,
-Did you do it? -It didn't mean anything,
Did you do it?
You did,
Chiara, please, listen to me,
Listen to me, I'm sorry,
I feel like shit,
I couldn't keep it in any longer, It was wearing me out, I had to tell you,
-You know I love you, -Please,
You know I love you,
Could you react? Tell me to fuck off,
You'd like that, huh? You'd feel less like shit, right?
-I know… -Don't touch me,
Don't touch me,
You have every reason to be pissed off, every reason,
I have three,
Number one, you cheated on me,
Number two, you didn't even have the balls to keep it to yourself,
Too much effort!
Number three…
Miss, a question, Do you know a piece of shit,
who's such a shit
that in the seventh month of pregnancy as we're buying bibs,
tells you he cheated on you? Who?
Can you tell me? Who's so shitty?
You're a piece of shit,
Hello?
-Yes? -Sorry, but I don't have your number,
It's Alberto, Chiara's partner,
Alberto, what is it?
What are you doing tonight?
I don't have plans tonight, Why?
A friend of mine has just moved up from Puglia, Lucia,
She's nice, intelligent,
She's coming to dinner tonight, I thought I'd invite you too,
All right, love to,
I thought so, You don't say?
I'll put Chiara on, See you tonight,
See you tonight,
It wasn't my idea,
Dario, Lucia, Lucia, Dario,
-Pleasure, -The pleasure is mine,
-Tonight shrimp and zucchini fusillotti, -Perfect,
-Do they go in the fridge? -Yes, they should,
-I'll help you, honey, -Thank you,
What a lovely hostess,
-Where are you from? -Taranto,
-My folks are from Lecce, -What a coincidence,
We're both from Puglia,
-Cheers, -Cheers,
What are we drinking to?
-To us, -To meeting each other,
Here we are, at last,
-How was it? -Delicious,
-Special, -They've opened a fish store here,
-You don't say? -It's fabulous,
-Thank you for a splendid evening, -Whenever you like, we're here,
-Gladly, -Bye,
-Your jacket, -Hold on,
-Do you need a ride? -No, I'm staying here,
Obviously, I meant Lucia,
-It depends, Where are you going? -Wherever you're going,
They look good together,
I agree,
I think I'll go home,
Why?
I have so much to do in the morning, It's better if I'm there,
-Hi, -Hi,
Don't tell me your boiler's out, and you came to take a shower,
Don't start,
I need to tell you something, but promise you won't say anything stupid,
All right,
Is there someone here?
No, there's no one,
-That night… -Yes,
-In Lisbon, -Yes,
Did you really have to go to the bathroom?
No,
Aunty, come here a second,
-I'm going to cut the cake, -I'll come with you,
Here we are, The knife, It's all here,
Did you see them?
-Who? -Dario and Chiara,
-Yes, -It's not weird?
Not really,
Everything okay? You seem depressed lately,
Yeah, problems at work,
Why? It all went well in London,
I know the horror thing bugs you,
but if you think about it, it wasn't for him, so noir's better,
-Yeah, you're right, -These are ready,
Before you go, there's something I'd like to talk about,
I already know everything,
What do you mean?
-I read the texts, -You looked at my phone?
You cheated on me,
I read them all,
That you're still in love with your wife,
that you made a huge mistake, the whole repertoire,
-I'm sorry, -A classic, but nice,
I'm a piece of shit,
Yes, you're a piece of shit,
You thought you'd tell me today, on our son's birthday?
There isn't a right time to say certain things,
I'm a dickhead, okay,
We're expecting another baby,
If it's a girl,
what would you call her?
I'm sorry,
You really made me suffer,
I'm sorry,
You're a dickhead,
Here we are, guys,
-C'mon, -Come here,
I'm sorry,
Turn, Take me to the hospital!
If you don't let go of my hand, I can't help you!
Why did I leave the house tonight?
-Got your phone? -Oh God! There's water,
-My little niece is on her way, -Your little niece has a head like this!
Luca,
Well? What happened?
Her water broke while she was in the car with Sara,
But everything's okay, right?
-How would I know! -What--
I've never been pregnant,
-Just as well, -I only know she was screaming, a lot,
-Where's Chiara? -Here,
Is Matteo with her?
No,
What do you mean no?
Still because of London?
-It's his daughter… Who's with Chiara? -Now?
-Who's with Chiara? -Sara and--
Hi,
-What are you doing here? -I came back two weeks ago,
Did you know?
-I'll call Matteo, -No, she said that…
Leave him,
I'll mind my own fucking business,
-How is it? -The contractions are still slow,
I nearly had a heart attack,
Let me get some air,
Everything's fine, Don't worry,
Hurry, I'll wait for you here,
Yeah, I'll wait for you here,
Bye,
What did he say?
He's on his way,
I'm going back in,
What are you doing?
I'll wait here,
The past months without you have been the pits,
And even though we weren't together,
if they asked me if I was single, I said no,
I wanted to call you,
but I especially wanted you to call me,
but you didn't,
I missed you more every day…
and so I convinced myself you didn't love me anymore,
This is bullshit,
How can you say that?
You left, and you stopped texting me,
Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't love you,
Why didn't you ever call me?
Out of pride?
No, for the same reason that you've been here for two weeks,
and you hid it from me,
Anyway, I'm sorry,
What's wrong?
Now you're the mature one because you apologized, This sucks,
Where is she?
Well?
Three kilos and 800 grams!
-Has she got hair? -Yes,
-More than his uncle? -Yes, more,
A fun game,
Pity that 50% of what he told us didn't happen,
Again?
-When are you gonna leave him? -Soon,
I told you that's not the point,
According to your reasoning, anyone can be with anyone,
No, I'm not saying compatibility isn't fundamental…
All right, let's go back to the apple metaphor,
That works well, especially for you,
Listen carefully,
If I am half an apple,
red, round, okay?
I don't go looking for a half apple that's green, narrow,
But if I find one that's red, round, all bruised on one side like me,
even if it's not the same tone of red, I'll make it work,
And maybe over time I'll try to be lighter,
and she'll try to become redder,
We'll never achieve perfection, but it's fine like that,
For you it's not a question of finding the soul mate,
but rather a soul mate,
Exactly, a half that completes us,
It's a slightly cynical thought,
It means that you're with a person, but you could be with anyone else,
No, because when you're in a relationship you change,
All the other possibilities cease to exist,
Like if I'd gone to Boston as a kid,
now I'd be a different person,
not who I am now,
That's why we didn't want to tell you who Matteo married,
We spend our whole lives saying, "Who knows what would have happened if…"
Then don't tell us,
But it's not that simple,
-Here they are, -Really?
Just when I liked the idea of not knowing…,
-Hi, -Hi,
TO MOM