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MAN: 1, CREATURE, INDIVIDUAL, BEING, ENTITY
KIN, FELLOW, SUBJECT, BOY, MALE, MACHO, MORTAL, PERSON,
2, HUMANKIND,
3, SPOUSE, HUSBAND, LOVER, PARTNER,
ANTONYM: WOMAN,
Hi, it's Tomás, Leave me a message,
RESERVATION NOT FOUND
Hi, it's Tomás, Leave me a message,
I tried calling you,
Good luck in Monterrey, They'll hire you on the spot! Love you!
Next, please!
Good morning,
Puerto Vallarta, You're so lucky!
How handsome! Your boyfriend?
No, he isn't,
You don't have to pretend because I'm older,
I make no judgments, God wants us,,,
It's the guy who's screwing my wife,
Anything else?
It's easy!
-Give it a try, -It scares me,
That's the idea, It's normal to be afraid,
Hey, what are you, stupid? Can't you see I'm taking a picture?
I'll make a reservation in a place you'll love,
It's peak season, You won't get a table,
Are you sure?
-,,,the farro, -Farro?
-Do you know farro? -No,
Farro is a cereal grain, It's similar to quinoa, but better,
Let's party!
-It's the same, No problem, -Yes,
-You still hungry? -A little,
-I'll call you, -Sure,
-Hey, cousin! -What's up?
-All good with Palomo? -Yep,
Thank you, bro,
-Say goodbye to Luis for me, -Sure!
He's a taxi driver,
She cheated on me with a goddamn taxi driver,
Wow, that smells delicious!
Hi, Jero!
Your fish is burning,
-Grilled fish for me, -Sure,
Make it a snapper,
Where's Chepina? Here it is!
Snapper for table twenty, Mahi mahi for table ten,
How are you, bro?
Hi, dear,
-You've lost weight! -Thank you!
-I'll have a beer, -OK,
-And a shrimp cocktail, please, -Sure,
Thanks,
A beer and a shrimp cocktail for Jero!
SEAFOOD RESTAURANT
What the hell?
What?
What are you looking at?
,,,and in 45 minutes, we'll be back with more,
People have requested jokes, songs,,,
A lot of requests today,
We're going to read some of the jokes people have sent,
Linda Salazar just sent one that goes,,,
Honey, where are you going? Where the wind takes us,,,
Good morning,
What happened?
You were next to my taxi with a knife in your leg,
The jerk who stabbed you keyed my taxi,
The kid told me, Thanks,
You wanna go after him? You know him?
-What? -You know him?
Where are we?
On the outskirts of Vallarta,
I tried to take you to the hospital
but you went crazy and called me a son of a bitch,
I've been driving around waiting for you to wake up,
What do you think?
It's nice, right?
I pimped it out,
Fully equipped, Subwoofer, minibar,,,
Minibar?
So are you here for business or pleasure?
-What? -Here to unleash the beast?
I'm kidding,
It's all good,
Jeronimo Caceres, nice to meet you,
Tomás,
Boys will be boys, right?
We come to Vallarta for the same reason we climb Everest,
-Because it's there! -You climbed Everest?
Once, yes,
Who is this guy?
You think Vallarta is great?
Just imagine screwing 10,000 feet above sea level,
There's something about the lack of oxygen,,,
You even kinda understand erotic asphyxiation,,,
-Are you OK? -Stop,
Stop the car,
-Open the window, -Stop!
Don't throw up here,
Palomo, no! Couldn't you hold it a few more meters?
FAG WHO READS IT
Do it, Tomás,
You can do it,
Have balls and do it,
You can do it,
You can do it, damn it!
Feeling better?
Yes, Let's go,
Let's go,
Where do I drop you off?
The hospital?
Any place is fine,
How will you get back to Mexico City?
How do you know I'm going to the City?
Your ticket,
I took it from your pocket when you were passed out,
I'd rather you didn't go through my stuff,
I'll go by plane,
You missed the flight, It left an hour ago,
Why do you care?
I was thinking I could drive you to the City,
What?
I have to go see someone in the City,
Don't worry about the fare, I won't charge much,
I get the feeling something's bothering you,
Maybe you need a road trip to think,
No,
You were about to say yes,
How do you know?
-I can read faces, -Yeah, right!
I'm serious, It's part of my job,
But you're like an open book, brother, You're written in bold Arial 40,
I'm not your brother,
You never know after a road trip,,,
No, thank you,
You ever really been on a road trip?
Some brewskis, a little music, good conversation,,,
I said no!
I said "No, thanks," Are you deaf or something?
I was just saying,
-Hello, -Hello,
I didn't hear from you, and I got worried,
How's Monterrey?
Monterrey's fine,
The interview?
Fine, good,
Great news!
I'm proud of you,
I didn't get the job yet, Mar,,,
Did you call me "Mar"?
-What? -You just called me "Mar,"
No, Must be a bad signal,
OK,
You've never called me "Mar," I liked it,
Hey, can you hold on? I have another call,
Yes, sure,
Hi,
Hello,
What are you wearing?
The purple shirt with the buttons?
I told you not to call me, Jero,
You want to know what I'm wearing?
No,
I want you to leave me alone,
Want me to send a selfie? Or should I describe it?
Don't call me, Bye!
Hello?
I'm sorry,
Don't worry, It's fine,
Now I have a call, Can you hold on?
Yes,
Hi!
Did you kick his ass?
I'm on it,
Just do it, Fast, Do it and leave,
Yes, I know,
Why are you whispering?
-Jero,,, -Don't hang up,
This is my marriage,
I understand perfectly,
That's why you keep calling,
I feel something's wrong,
Remember I can read people, I know you're sad, and,,,
-I'm going to Mexico City, -No!
-Why not? -Because,
You need someone to talk to,
Let me be that someone,
It doesn't have to be more, We can just talk,
I must go, I have another call,
-I'll wait, -I don't want you to wait!
I'm going to the City anyway,
You're such an asshole, Tomás,
-Lower your voice, -Sorry,
God forbid you disturb the guy who's screwing your wife,
I woke up in his taxi!
-He's a taxi driver? -Yes, bro! What could I do?
Tell him to pull over and beat the crap out of him,
I'm waiting for the right moment,
The right moment is gone,
-I'll call you later, -Wait, Tomás, Don't hang up,
Is he really a taxi driver? Or is it a figure of speech?
That's pretty classist, Tomás,
-Hello, -I'm sorry,
-I was answering another call, -OK,
I have other interviews,
Hey,
What are you wearing?
Why?
Just curious, What are you wearing?
The grey suit with the red tie,
I was just thinking that the grey suit
matches the red-striped tie I gave you,
Yes, thank you, I know what to wear for an interview,
-I know you know, -Yeah, right,
I'm serious, I was just trying to,,,
Yes, OK,
-Tomás, don't do this, -Don't do what?
Don't say "OK" if you're mad, What are you thinking?
-What am I thinking? -Yes!
I'm thinking,,,
Since you are a tie expert, what knot should I use?
-Tomás? -I mean it,
I wish you were here to dress me,
It was a suggestion, It's not a big deal,
No, no, Tell me, Step by step,
When tying the knot, do you go under or over?
-Tomás? -I'm serious,
How do you tie a good knot?
What?
You know what?
Anything you wear will look horrible
with that pathetic droopy face of self-pity,
Go screw yourself!
I can't even argue with you when you're like this, Tomás,
No, no, no,
-Good afternoon, -Good afternoon,
Have a seat, please, Let's start!
What's that?
-I don't know, -Can't you read everything?
I have some extra patches,
They come in handy,
You'll see,
We'll need a bigger hole,
Pass me the jack,
Sure,
Marcia!
That'll hold
until we get to the tire shop,
So?
Where do I drop you?
At the airport?
What about Mexico City?
What?
To be honest,
it's not a good idea to go to the City together,
You don't think the tire will hold?
It isn't about the tire,
I'm sorry,
I've been acting weird,
You're right,
-I'm going through very bad stuff, -I knew it,
I knew you would say yes,
I told you I read faces,
It'll be great,
MEXICO CITY 515 MILES
How about some music?
No,
A road trip without music?
Wait until you see the CDs I have,
CDs?
-Or we can just be quiet, -We still have like 500 miles,
We'll die of boredom,
What do you want to know?
Why did you lie to your wife?
Ask me something else,
What do you do for a living?
Know what? Just play music,
You aren't a serial killer, are you?
Do I look like a serial killer?
No, but that's how they kill so many people,
No, I'm not a serial killer,
You're unemployed,
Are those the only two options?
A killer or unemployed?
Yes, not to be mean
but you don't radiate success and prosperity,
You realize you're a taxi driver?
I'm not only a taxi driver,
I mean,,,
I own a taxi fleet,
What's a fleet? Two or three?
Twenty-six,
The second largest fleet in Vallarta,
Hello, I'm Jeronimo Caceres,
I'm the CEO of the biggest taxi fleet in Puerto Vallarta
and the entire world,
Service, comfort, style,
We drive you,
-Right, girls? -Yes!
It's the safest taxi fleet in Puerto Vallarta,
Your friend, Jero Caceres,
Happy, look!
Safety, service and transportation,
Call this number, and we'll provide the service,
EL CHANGO THE BEST TAXIS IN PUERTO VALLARTA
Let's go, Happy, There's Cheetah, your sister,
Right now, the taxi business runs on its own,
So I have the chance to invest in real state,
Yeah, sure,
You'd be amazed at opportunities you hear about in a taxi,
I've bought apartments and dry cleaners,
Oh, yeah?
-I even bought a Dormimundo, -A mattress?
No! A mattress franchise,
I can get a discount,
-I know the manager in Mexico City-- -OK, I get it,
You aren't a simple taxi driver,
You're a businessman,
I said I wasn't only a taxi driver,
But driving my taxi is what I most like,
You might call me crazy,
I might call you an asshole,
See?
We just started our trip, and you're feeling better!
I told you this trip would be good for you,
The road is the best psychologist,
WELCOME GAS STATION
Frank, it's me,
Our dear taxi driver appears to be running away,
He is not alone,
Don't hurt them yet, Let's see what they're up to,
I need to talk with you,
I've been thinking a lot,
What would you like to drink?
A lemon soda?
ANTIFREEZE
WARNING: INGESTION CAN BE FATAL
You know,,,
Being unemployed sucks,
I've been there,
But if you keep positive, everything starts to flow,
First, you have to admit it, and you did,
Say it to yourself,
"I'm a loser, I'm unemployed,"
That's the first step, Then, accept it,
Then, you start believing in yourself
so that everybody else starts believing in you,
It's never the other way,
Everything starts with you,
Attitude is everything,
THE THREE COWBOYS EVERYTHING FOR THE TRIP
There you go,
Thank you,
You know what a cowboy calls his daughter in Spanish?
-What? -"Hija,"
What a bad joke,
The front seat is more comfortable,
Don't you want to sit here?
I'm fine,
-You sure? -Yes,
I want to talk to you about something,
Tell me,
-Farro, -What?
Farro, the grain, Ever heard of it?
Doesn't matter,
Farro is going to rock the world,
Mark my words,
I'm not an expert
but I invested in the quinoa industry and I did great,
-In the quinoa industry? -Yes, Quinoa,
Farro has twice the potential, it has lots of benefits,
You can fry it, make bread or pasta,,,
-What are you talking about? -Farro!
I know, but why?
Because you're out of a job,
You'd like to invest in a developing industry like farro,
Thanks for the employment guidance,
It's included in the fare, or you charging extra?
I'm sorry,
-I was just trying to help, -It's OK,
Thirsty?
No, thanks,
I know what you're going through,
Believe me, It sucks,
-Yes, You want some? -No, thanks,
You may think I've always been a success
buying dry cleaners and mattress franchises,
Drink, It's hot,
Drink it,
I've been where you are now,
Feeling like a loser,
Crying all the time,
But there's nothing worse
than losing your purpose in life,
I don't like this stuff,
Wanna sit up front?
So we can talk like normal people,
You know what? I'm fine,
Come here, You want me to pull over?
Eyes on the road,
I look at you with one eye and the road with the other,
I'm serious, Eyes on the road,
You know how long I've been driving?
Mr, Segura,
I'm Dr, Cruz,
What happened?
-Where am I? -You had a car accident,
-An accident? -You were lucky,
I'm not concerned about your physical state,
-What? -The state when you arrived,
State?
I was in a car accident, right?
You were stabbed in the leg in the accident?
Besides alcohol, what else have you taken?
What?
We're trying to figure out what's going on,
It seems like self-destructive behavior,
-What do you mean? -Nothing,
But I'm referring you to the psychiatric department,
-What? No, no, -It's a standard procedure,
It's for 'at risk' patients,
At risk? No, You said it yourself, I was in a car accident,
Right?
Look! Talk to him, He can explain it all,
No, in these cases, we must call your emergency contact,
You can call me "Jerito,"
Jerito,
I'm a businessman,
It seems to be your,,, wife,
My wife?
Your wife,
My wife,
Your wife,
-No, I have to go, -No,
I practice target shooting, Have you ever shot?
No,
Do you have a gun on you?
You can't talk to her,
Listen, Mr, Segura,
The paramedics found a taser in your belongings,
Self-defense,
The antifreeze?
What?
They found antifreeze in your pocket, Mr, Segura,
I don't know what you were trying to do,
A person getting high on antifreeze is not thinking straight,
Believe me,
It has many more properties: proteins, minerals, a lot of fiber,
Your wife won't be surprised,
Here she is,
Your wife is,,,
Marcia,
I'm sorry, Doctor, I got upset,
-He's crazy, -You're upset?
-The doctor? -No, The patient,
You're right,
I see,
I've been under a lot of stress, This is what I needed,
I promise as soon as I get home,,,
I'll talk to my wife, What's that, Doctor?
A sedative,
Right,
It'll reduce your aggression and relax you,
Meantime, I'll call your wife,
Doctor, no, Not my wife,
What did you do? His cheek is all red!
I have to stand up,
He just sedated you,
He'll call my wife,
Find his wife's number,
He's totally insane,
-Call her immediately, -Sure, Doctor, I'm on it,
-Now! -Yes,
Tomás, I'll take care of it,
-Will you? -Yes,
You'll take care, OK,
I'll see what I can do,
-He'll call,,, -Relax,
Just relax,
My wife,
Thanks, Snow White!
Tomás!
I tore up the record,
Your wife won't find out,
Let's go,
-Why did you do this to me? -The tire exploded! Let's go now!
-Why did you do this? -I didn't do it,
-I know it was you! -Enough! Let's go,
-No! Leave that! -It's poison,
Come on, let's go,
It's poison,
RECOVER YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE HERE AND NOW
I hate my job!
What's up, Lucas?
You all right, Tomás?
A bit troubled, But fine,
It's insane, Get out of there,
Not yet,
What are you waiting for?
If I leave now, I'll never know,
Know what?
Why she did it? Why him?
Why is he so special?
She could have chosen anyone,
Let's see, Tomás, Listen to me carefully,
This man won't help you solve your marriage problems,
And it isn't a mystical trip of self-discovery,
If you want an explanation, imagine he's richer than you,
He's funnier than you,
He has a bigger johnson than you, Get over it!
I'm hanging up,
Tomás?
Sorry,
What happened, Rafa? You pricked me!
The hood was dented so we straightened it,
The battery, the ventilation,
The exhaust needed welding,
We changed the radiator, too,
-The radiator was fine! -It's a work of art,
-Why,,,? -It's my best work,
Take a look,
-Wh,,,? -I'll be honest, friend,
It was a miracle to make it work,
If you want a new car
buy a new one,
-What the hell? -It's the bill,
You have to pay transport from the warehouse,
-Why change the,,,? -Your friend's stay is not included!
And this isn't my hood! This isn't my,,,
It was barely scratched! You replaced it with a rusty one?!
No, no, no!
You destroyed it!
I didn't destroy it! You ungrateful bastard!
Get out, sir,
Get out!
Get out,
Jeez!
What? You are not paying?
Get in,
Just needs a quick polish!
What's up? Everything all right?
The mechanic's bill is killing you a bit,
It's because of Palomo, I love this car,
It was literally all I had at one point in my life,
I lived here, This was my office,
This was my living room,
My bedroom was there,
Really?
I invited you to the living room, but you weren't interested,
Once, I was driving this lady,
We were driving the coast, She said: "Let's go to your place,"
I pulled over and moved to the back seat,
And I said: "Baby, this is my place,"
"But I won't turn the meter off,"
-You're crazy! -I have better ones,
It wasn't a compliment,
She didn't go for it,
She got upset, slapped me and left,
You'd be surprised at how many married women love it
and are up for anything,,,
You go around asking women if they want to sleep with you?
Where did that come from?
Just curious, You brought it up,
You sure it has nothing to do with your marriage problems?
She's screwing another guy,
I won't talk about it,
I knew it,
What? I didn't say a word,
Can we change the subject?
-I knew it since I met you, -Enough,
How did you find out?
What did I just tell you?
Did you catch her red-handed?
I won't answer,
Yes, you did,
You're talking to yourself,
I'm sorry,
It's horrible when you think the woman who'll be the mother--
I didn't catch her red-handed!
Stop it! Let's change the subject, please,
OK, I'll be quiet,
Did you know him?
Doesn't matter, Either way, it sucks!
I hate when women cheat on their husbands
with the best friend,
They don't just ruin your marriage,
They also ruin your life,
It sucks,
I had a passenger whose wife slept with all his domino partners
just so he didn't have anyone to play with,
That's messed up,
Can I bring you anything else?
No, we're fine, Thanks,
You,
Let me know if you need anything,
You naughty?
What do you think?
Very,
Your donut is delicious, Thank you,
What happened when you confronted her?
Don't tell me you didn't do it,
You did beat up the lover, right?
Seriously, Tomás?
Have some self-respect,
It's complicated,
What's complicated?
You tell your wife to go to hell, then you beat that jerk to a pulp,
Is that her?
Tell her you know,
Tell her you came to Vallarta to bang drunk girls,
Tell her, Answer her!
Won't you answer?
Answer,
-Hello? -Tomás?
Hey,
-Who are you with? -There's a bad signal,
Tell her you put her--
Move, I can't hear you!
I think it's the buildings,
-Tomás? -Tell her she's a bitch,
Bitch,
-Tell her she's a bitch, -Shut up! Enough!
-Tomás? -Let me talk,
Tomás?
-I'll give you space, -Tomás, you there?
I'm sorry, The signal's bad,
Yes,
-I'll find another spot, -OK,
Can you hear me now? When are you coming back?
Tomorrow, Early,
Great!
You can tell me everything tomorrow,
I haven't been able to sleep since our last talk,
I said some things that,,,
Me too,
I miss you,
I know it's only been a few days, but,,,
Did you stay at Los Soles?
Los Soles?
Remember? The hotel we stayed at,
Oh, yes,
That crazy employee wouldn't leave us alone,
He was always half drunk,
What did he say to us?
"Where's the party, people?"
That's it,
We haven't talked about what we'll do if you get the job,
What do you mean?
Are you planning to come here on the weekends
or would we move to Monterrey?
Well,,, I should get the job first, then we'll see, don't you think?
OK,
If we need to move, we move,
With my contacts in Data Wall, I can find a job there easily,
Sure,
Luckily, only one of us needs to beg for a job,
I didn't mean that,
Well, I have to go,
Want me to pick you up at the airport?
No, I'll take a taxi,
OK,
Love you,
You're mad because I made you talk to your wife?
That's why you're still in the back seat?
No,
This is why,
-Cheers, -Now you're talking! Give me one,
-Tequila, -No, man,
Why not?
Because you're driving!
That never stopped me before, Give me one,
You don't give a shit about consequences,
How many married women have you slept with?
I lost track,
How do you do it?
I don't discriminate,
If they are between 20 and 30
I ask: "Are you a student or do you work?"
If they are between 30 and 40, "Single or married?"
Between 40 and 50, "Widowed or divorced?"
If they are over 50,,,
"Diabetes or high blood pressure?"
What about their husbands?
When things like this happen, it's because husbands don't care much,
Don't you feel guilty?
About what?
About ruining someone's marriage,
Look who I'm talking to,,,
I was also married once,
Really?
Yeah,
That surprises you?
Yes,
She used to work in the taxi where I first started,
Her voice was so beautiful!
She would sing me to sleep,
I turned the walkie on every night to fall asleep to her voice,
When I saw her,,,
My God!
I knew it,
What happened then?
Remember I told you about the mattress franchise?
Yeah,
I arrived there one day
and I caught her screwing my ex-partner in the showroom,
In a king-size, double-spring with memory-foam,
You know what I thought when I first met you?
What?
I thought: "That guy's in trouble,"
If you only knew,,,
I would've let you bleed to death at the seafood restaurant,
Maybe you came to my taxi for a reason,
Maybe it wasn't chance,
-Eh? You were there,,, -What do you mean?
Maybe I can help you,
You,,,
I'm not a marriage counselor,,,
Come on, talk to me as if I were her,
-What? -Pretend I'm her,
Talk to me,
I'm your wife, Get it off your chest as if I were her,
-No, no, -Why not?
-Because it's stupid, -No, it's not stupid!
It's a psychology thing and it's called "role play,"
-Talk to me as if I were her, -No,
-Talk to me as if,,, -No!!!
What does he have that I don't?
He's not the problem,
He's not the one to blame for this, Tomás,
He,,,
So,,,
You're screwing another guy, and it's my fault?
No, I didn't say that,
I don't know whose fault it is,
I don't know who's to blame, Tomás,
-But it feels like you've given up, -No, I haven't!
Well, it seems that way,
Look at you!
You look like a criminal with that stubble,
You know I can't grow a good beard,
Shave it, then,
Look at you,
Do something, put on some conditioner, some face cream,
Have some self-respect, Do some exercise,
-You've given up, -No,
On yourself, on me,
On us,
On everything!
The only thing I needed,,,
was for you to say: "I love you,"
Just that,
Enough,
I don't want to play anymore,
You really asked a guy
how he felt about having sex with married women?
It's the other way around,
Men are unfaithful because they can be,
But women,,,
We do it when our marriage is already destroyed,
And you know it,
You still my wife?
Or is it you again?
What difference does it make?
Yeah,
What difference does it make?
You can both go to hell!
It's normal to get caught up in emotion when you role play,
Sorry if I hurt your feelings,
Come on, get it all out,
You're venting,
Get it out, get it out,
Let's pretend I'm that jerk,
Where did you get that from? No, Tomás,
No, OK, stop,
Tomás,
No! Tomás,
Booze is getting to your head,
No, Tomás! Role play is not like this,
I'm not your enemy, I'm your friend,
Calm down,
That's good, Get it out,
Get it out,
I'm sorry,
-I'm sorry, -It's OK,
I love you,
I'm better now,
-Are you OK? -I'm better now,
I can understand where that violence of yours comes from,
But killing someone with a corkscrew is not the way out,
-Take me home, -Why? What will you do there?
You'll get depressed there, Come here,
If you ask me,
I'd make better use of this situation,
You need to forgive yourself,
but especially to forgive her,
I'm an expert in these things,
You trust me?
-Hey, cousin! -Hi, cousin!
-Hi, sexy, -Hi, ladies,
-My man! -Handsome,
Wait! Do you know these ladies?
They're my cousins,
Really?
Your solution is to come and see naked women?
Do you think I'm so old-fashioned?
We came for you to bed one of them,
-What? No way, I'm out of here, -Yes,
Hey, Tomás, Can you have fun for once?
Look, it's,,, See how that cutie is looking at you,
That's part of her job,
By cheating on you, your wife gave you implicit permission
to cheat on her, too,
Women forgive adultery, Men don't,
We're different,
You won't forgive your wife until you do what she did,
until you pay her back,
If you want it to work with her, if you really love her,,,
you have to bed one of those girls,
Tell me when you're ready,
Yes,
May I ask you to do something, please?
You don't need to say "please,"
Thank you,
I'll say "please" anyway,
What a gentleman,
You won't think the same when I tell you what I want,
What do you want?
I want you to knock me out
and take off all my clothes,
Then, if you want to have sex with me, go ahead,
Or you can mess up the bed and throw my clothes on the floor
so it looks like we had sex,
I prefer the second option
but I'll leave it up to you,
It's your choice,
No, forget it,
Forget it, It's stupid,
I've been asked for that before,
But you need to be really knocked out
or it won't fool anyone,
Will it hurt?
Obviously,
OK, On the count of three?
God,,,
One, two,,,
Sorry about that,
Don't worry,
It was my fault, I flinched at the last minute,
We can do it the traditional way if you want,
Why don't we talk instead?
It's not personal, but one thing is sex for money
and another is listening to problems for money,
That's what shrinks are for,
I suggest you see one,
Yes, thank you,
I get it,
Since I found out that my wife was cheating on me
my world has fallen apart,
The first thing to cross my mind was suicide,
Then I thought: "I can't commit suicide!"
"Being alive is a good thing,"
And then I decided to look for that son of a bitch!
I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna strangle him,
I'm gonna rip his guts out!
I'm gonna follow him,
But what should I do?
How should I do it, where should I start?
And the only thing I came up with was,,,
What are you doing?
What does it look like? Grab a pillow!
No, come on, Let's go,
Why go? Hold on, girls,
I booked the whole brothel for your privacy,
Thanks, but I'm done, Let's go,
-So you won't join? -What?
Sorry pal, private party,
I don't mean to interrupt, but,,,
I had to see this with my own eyes,
Can I help you?
Ladies, you can leave,
-What? No! -Ladies, get out! Please,
We just started,
-Why? They can't leave,,, -Let me ask you something,
How much was the party?
What party? I'm not paying for this,,,
Who cares when it's not your money, right?
What's going on?
I have no idea,
Let me explain,
Our mutual acquaintance, my employer,
is Francisco Estevez,
Frank,
-You know him as "Cuate," -Who's Cuate?
-You're not screwing his wife, right? -Of course not,
Cuate's an investor,
That's one way to put it,
The other: he lent you money and wants it back,
He can't do that, He just gave it to me,
He doesn't like how you spend it,
What money?
Someone lent me money
and he's being unprofessional wanting it back,
Three million pesos, to be exact,
-Is that true? -And you are being unprofessional,
Expensive restaurants and penthouse hotel rooms,,,
I can explain everything,
And now it seems you're fleeing the state,
I'm not fleeing the state,
I'm taking a passenger from Puerto Vallarta to Mexico City,
-I'm taking him home, -That's right, To Mexico City,
And why did you rent a brothel?
Inflight entertainment?
I like to treat my customers well,
Yes, I'm his customer,
Yes, we're customers,
-What? -I'm his customer,
-No, I'm your customer, -He's my customer,
"Customers,"
Benedicto,
SEGURA ESTRADA TOMÁS ADDRESS: DARWIN 9N1R 3, CASA 3
I don't know what kind of problems you two have
but if you let me explain,,,
If you let me explain,,, Really, let me explain,
Please! Let me,,,
Damn it!
Good morning,
Good morning, lady,
Help!
Look, even if I wanted to, I can't give you the money,
I don't have it! I invested it,
Man, stop beating people!
I told Cuate! This takes time,
It's business,
You know how long it took to make the dry cleaner work?
Two years, I'm just asking for patience,
OK, You want to scare me? I'm scared,
I'm terrified, he's terrified,
We're all terrified, But I don't have the money,
I don't believe you,
In your business, I know it's hard to trust people,
but it's the truth,
I don't have the money,
If you don't give me the money, I'll shoot your friend,
No, wait! I'm not his friend,
Do me a favor, put the gun down,
Look at him! He's unemployed! He's a loser!
His wife just cheated on him,
Don't be like that,
Cuate's not a bank, Jeronimo,
He doesn't send messages, he doesn't make phone calls,
When he asks for his money,
people give it to him,
-Are you hit? -Yes!
-Where? -In my arm,
The one from before, right?
Sorry, I'll let you know when I have new gunshots!
Watch out!
Are you insane?
-We've lost them, -What?
They'll kill us, they'll kill us!
Stop it, Tomás! It's under control!
Tomás, do me a favor,
There's a compartment, Open it and take the gun,
Why do you have a gun?
It's for my dating techniques! Shoot them!
Shit!
Shoot them, not the car!
SAFE TRIP
What are you doing?
I'm throwing them off,
Driving in circles?
Calm down, I'll take care of it,
-Hold tight! -No, no!
Why a cornfield?
Next time, I'll choose farro!
Shoot them!
-I hit them, -The tires!
We're out of bullets,
What now?
We die,
But not today,
Watch out!
Give me five!
-Wait! It'll sting, right? -No,
Hold on, Will it hurt?
It won't hurt, Just turn around,
Son of a,,,
Hang on, Almost done,
There you go,
Where'd you learn to treat wounds?
Same place I learned to apply a tourniquet,
YouTube,
No way,
-Yes, What do you think? -What do I think?
I should have taken a plane,
So, you're broke,
What happened? Tell me,
I told you,
I borrowed money from the wrong people,
Why'd you borrow money?
You have a taxi fleet,
A mattress franchise,
You even have a monkey, right?
Was it all a fake?
No, it wasn't,
For a while, I was doing great,
But my luck changed,
I didn't see technology coming, Uber arrived,
You have no idea what a nose I had for business,
I think I lost my touch,
Then I got divorced,
I lost one business, then another,,,
One debt, then another,
And then,,,
You borrowed money and spent it like an idiot,
Maybe you're right, and I don't think about the consequences,
I've been thinking a lot about that,
Not about the money, about what you said to me,
I never had sex with a married woman until my wife left me,
And I didn't do it for revenge,
I don't know why I did it,
My wife never cheated on me, I made it up to avoid feeling bad,
She caught me many times and kept forgiving me,
Until she didn't,
I don't want to be the one who hurts people,
The one who hurts somebody like you,
Not anymore,
Well,,,
Don't worry,
You still have widows, divorcees and diabetics,
Cheers!
To them,
You know the identity of this guy?
His name? Where he lives?
Who is he?
Let's go,
Hi, it's Tomás, Leave me a message,
Hey,,, It's me,
Shouldn't you be here already?
Did your battery die?
Or are you punishing me?
I don't know how else to say it,
I'm sorry if I made you feel less than you are
or what I want you to be,
I love you,
Just the way you are
with your red-striped tie,
Come home soon, OK? Or give me a call,
There's no Tomás Segura at your hotel?
No, madam,
And the hotel doesn't have a branch in Monterrey?
No, this is the only one,
OK,
-You can call us again, -Yes, Thank you,
Good morning,
DISCOVER MEXICO COMFORT IN EACH FLIGHT
Have you thought about what you'll say to her?
No, not yet,
-You want to rehearse? -What?
I can pretend to be her so you can prepare,
-No, thank you, -No?
Don't feel intimidated, OK?
Just because you're partly to blame, don't grovel,
Accept your responsibility, try to be understanding
and tell her the whole truth,
But maybe leave out the brothel part,
-Yes, of course, -Keep that to yourself,
It's not the best way to rebuild trust,
Yes, I get it,
Better to keep some things to yourself,
Exactly,
You sure I can't take you home?
No, thank you,
I'll tell you where to drop me,
I want to walk
and think about what to say to her,
Well,,,
Yeah,
-How much do I owe you? -Don't be ridiculous,
-What? -It's on the house,
-Come on, -How can I charge you?
You took a bullet for me,
We're even,
Sounds fair,
Anyway, I don't have my wallet,
So why did you offer to pay?
Thank you,
You gonna be OK? Can you pay your debts?
As long as I have the car
I'll be OK,
Hey, wait,
-Do me a favor, -What?
Buy some flowers for your wife,
-No, I can't take it, -Take it, Please,
Thank you,
-Hello? -Marcia?
Jero?
I'm already here, but,,,
I think it's better we don't meet,
-I don't want us to meet, -Are you OK?
What happened?
I'm fine,
Nothing happened,
You crying because I'm not coming?
Yes, it's all about you, asshole,
You know what? It's better I come by,
Give me the address,
Ever heard of role play?
I pretend to be your husband, and you let it all out,
-What? -It's very useful,
I was just saying,
It all makes sense,
He was never sure,
About anything,
He didn't want children, he was always elusive,
Me too,
Maybe that's why I did this,
For him to catch me,
You think he knows?
No,
He said he had interviews in Monterrey, but it's not true,
I don't know where he is,
In Monterrey?
-What's your husband's name? -What?
What's your husband's name?
Why?
He has a name, right? What is it?
Tomás,
I want to see him, Do you have a picture here or,,,?
In the garbage can,
What's up, Jero? You're scaring me,
Your Tomás is my Tomás,
You know him?
-A little bit, -A little bit?
He came looking for me,
No way,
You were with him,
-It's him, -How do you know?
It's him,
You better open,,,
Tom,,,
Good morning, madam,
Jeronimo,
You have coffee?
Juan Pablo, I know we started off wrong
and I'm sorry,
She's not involved,
Let her go, I'll pay my debt,
-Where is it? -In my taxi,
You're a taxi driver?
I own a whole fleet,
What taxi?
It's outside,
Where?
That's it, Well done,
Feeling better?
No,
Of course not, Tomás,
You traveled 500 miles with the guy who's screwing your wife,
You won't feel better,
Who is it?
UNKNOWN NUMBER
That asshole,
Call him again,
If I may suggest something,
you'll have more luck calling from her cell,
You sent him messages saying it was me,
He won't answer,
What do you want?
Tomás! Thank God you picked up,
You have the balls to call on my wife's phone?
You have my taxi?
Yes, I have your taxi,
OK,
You took something from me, I did the same,
I take the blame,
but it's not what you're thinking,
It's not what I'm thinking?
You also read faces by phone?
What's up?
It's complicated,
You don't need to be a genius to know that,
Go screw yourself,
That's what I'm thinking,
What's up?
I'd love to go screw myself, but I can't,
Goodbye,
No, no, Tomás,
Tomás, please,
Marcia?
No,,,
What is it?
The guys from the brothel are here, in your house,
-And they have Marcia and me, -What?
Marcia is OK, And I have the money,
Where is it?
In the taxi,
Hidden in the trunk,
Listen good,
I don't want to hurt your wife,
I'll see you in an hour, in La Marquesa Park,
Why didn't he pay the money back before?
The prick doesn't think about consequences,
Why didn't he put it in a bank?
I have no idea,
Can you loan me three million pesos?
It's freezing!
Why didn't they do this at the house?
Shut up!
Tomás?
Hi,
Where's my money?
We have the money,
First, I need to ask her a question,
What do you think we're doing here?
You want your money or not?
Let me ask her a question,
Give me my money, or I'll kill your friend,
That's what I wanted to say when you shot me,
This guy's not my friend,
He's screwing my wife,
So, please, do me a favor,,,
Oh, God!
Are you OK?
God,
-And shoot him, -It's OK, I deserve it,
Now I'll give you your money,
But let me ask my wife a question,
When?
When what?
Are you sure you want to do this here?
OK,
At the technology convention, eight months ago,
Why?
I called to tell you I won an award,
You told me awards only served as paperweights,
I sat at the bar with something stuck here I couldn't get out,
I started thinking, "When was the last time you said something nice?"
You kissed me in the morning or smiled at me,
This guy appears, this low budget Romeo
trying to be all seductive,
He made me laugh with the stupid things he said,
I didn't feel so lonely,
One thing led to another,
I woke up in a hotel suite,
Then I woke up, left
and came home,
That's enough,
Let's solve my problem, then you can solve yours,
No! If you're gonna kill us, let me say a few more things,
You'll let me speak!
What are you thinking?
You gonna solve things with your guns, like macho men?
Hey, I think I'd better get going, I'm not feeling well,
Yes, Lucas, typical!
You're 40 years old and you still live with your mom!
Why don't you stay and try to learn a few things?
You know what the problem is, Tomás?
You're a different person since you lost your job,
You've given up,
Before, when you were doing well, we celebrated,
Now that I'm doing well, there's nothing to celebrate
because all we do is lift your spirits,
I wish you had put the same effort into caring about me
as you did going after that guy,
that poor, cheap wannabe telenovela actor,
And yes, I screwed up,
I made a mistake,
Forgive me,
But I don't know what you wanted from me after all this time,
I only needed three words,
"I love you,"
I'm sorry,
Hello? Mom? Yes, I can't talk right now,
You done?
Yes,
My money,
I'll call you back,
-Lucas, -I'll tell you later, mom,
-Lucas! -Mom,,, Sorry, I have to go,
-The money, -Yes, sure, You know what?
I have it right here, Look,
-Here it's,,, about two hundred, -What's this?
It's a little burned,
Give it to him,
-To him? -Yes,
Excuse me, Good evening, sir,
Here you are, I have some more here,
Fifty,,,
Hold on, I have more here,,,
And 250,,,
You know, it's burned,
But you can change it in the bank, I've changed worse,
500 more here,
250 more,
It's almost all there, Almost,
Done?
No, wait,
Here it is,
Sorry,
What can I tell you?
Thank you,
You got most of it, Some is better than nothing,
You may leave now,
Really? Let's go, Tomás, I'll wait for you over there,
Yes, I know, I know,
What's this, huh?
Cuate sends his regards,
Wait,
If you're killing someone, kill me,
I'm the only one responsible for this,
I screwed up,
It's all my fault,
So, come on, kill me,
I hate my job,
You have one month to give me back the rest, with interest!
Yeah,
Let's go,
One month!
How are you?
Fine,
I've never regretted something so much in my life,
Neither have I,
Forgive me,
Forgive me for not being there when you needed me,
Forgive me for neglecting you,
I think,,,
I'll stay at Lucas' for a while,
Well, at Lucas' mom's,
I need to figure myself out,
I think,,,
going to therapy would be best,
Mar,,,
You have a way to get home?
Want me to call an Uber?
I don't trust taxi drivers,
Sorry to interrupt, but I don't feel well,
Coming,
I think I need a doctor,
Excuse me, He's like a child,
Will you apologize?
I'm sorry,
OK, I forgive you,
I forgive you too for not telling me she was your wife,
I thought I had found a friend,
Yes, You did,
-Will you be all right? -Yeah,
I'll start from scratch with the car,
Where is it? Did you bring it?
Well,,,
-Something happened and,,, -What happened?
The car,,,
is history,
You son of a bitch,
I love you,
What?
I love you,
I love you too,
Three words, "I love you,"
Let's go, please,
I love you,
THE END
What did you say, Happy?
A king-size bed? Just for you?
Hi, I'm,,,
I'm Jeronimo Caceres,
Then, the wolf blew and blew, but he couldn't bring the house down,
A customer,
Hi, my friend, We have unbeatable prices, don't we?
Let's see,
No, you can't sit down,
Don't think badly,
Here, in Dormimundo, you can try your springs,
Hey, look!