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Swipe right but you still don't match up to me,
Swipe right, yes you'll never catch up to me,
I know I got my flaws, but trust me they're nothing compared to
yours, no,
I've tried but you still don't match up to me,
Thank you for the message but I haven't got the time,
If you and got time for me,
Thank you for the flowers but I've got an allergy,
I guess that shows you don't know me,
Didn't even know there was a message on the card,
Did I tell you where I live?
I'm waiting for someone who really wants to put me first,
I've given all I've got to give,
Swipe right,
But you still don't match up to me,
Swipe right, yes, you'll never catch up to me,
I know I've got my flaws, but trust me they're nothing
compared to yours, no,
I've tried but you still don't match up to me,
Ayyy Ohhh Ayyy Ayyy Ohhh Ayyy Ohh Ayy Ayy,,,
But you still don't match up to me,
First dates are always so strange,
I never know how to get the ball rolling,
I would like you to tell me the story of your wines please,
One is red, one is white, they are eight bucks a glass,
the end,
Four eggs, bacon, no potatoes, no toast,
Capeesh?
Oh yes, I capeesh,
For the second date we are just going to go to my gym,
I would love to train you,
You know, get those arms nice and tight,
Sexy,
I could show you some push-ups if you have a moment,
Oh, I actually already have a personal trainer,
But, what about going to see a movie?
What is your favorite?
How about you tell me a delicious little secret?
Something that you have never told anyone?
Oh, okay,
Well, once I ate an entire bag of Oreos on a dare at summer
camp,
By delicious, I mean, sexy,
What is something that you would only tell a lover?
Oh, well, I do like to be tied up, you know,
With silk ties,
Well, I do happen to have one right here,
When I was a kid I love Charlie and the chocolate
factory,
I love that movie, are you kidding me?
Well, the second one,
The first one was trash,
The second one?
I will have a steak, very, very well done,
Burn it and soak it in thousand Island dressing, please,
Wet,
Medium rare,
Perfect,
Do you want to talk about it?
No,
Why is it so hard to find a good guy?
Because you're not looking for a good guy,
you are looking for the perfect guy,
And they don't exist,
What, I can have a type?
I mean, everybody has a type,
Yes, everyone has a type,
You don't have a type, you have a gauntlet,
Here is you, a great guy, right?
This is him,
Needs to be hot and sexy,
You jumped over that really easy,
It's because he works out all the time,
This is him being successful and rich,
So far he's doing great,
And this is all of the nitpick crap that you are going
to come up with to justify rejecting him anyway,
Nitpicking?
Come on,
What about that guy who did voiceovers?
Dennis?
With the tooth thing?
It wasn't that noticeable,
Yes, but it was there,
It was right there every time he smiled,
Okay, what about the guy that owned that big electronics
store?
Oh, Cole, yeah,
No, he got all the lyrics wrong and it was so annoying,
What about that hot and sexy Latino guy that owned a bar?
Okay, he made a really weird sound when he chewed and one of
his toes was freakishly short,
That isn't - I can't help that,
You know the reason why you keep rejecting these guys has
nothing to do with them,
So what should I do?
Date a guy, string him along, and then break his heart
eventually?
Tell me how that's better,
You are an amazing, smart, beautiful,
woman who deserves a great guy,
But the universe keeps sending them to you and you keep
returning them,
Eventually, it's going to be too late,
What is so funny?
You don't want to know,
So clicky,
I still love you both, just a little bit less,
Oh, how is your date with Mr, cargo shorts, Miles?
It went exactly how I thought it was going to go,
I almost fell asleep in my tiramisu,
It was so boring,
That's too bad,
He was so cute,
I know, but you have to be this cutesy goeth cargo shorts,
honey,
How did he take it?
The usual way,
You still slept with him?
A lady never tells,
A toast to somebody who just secured the star front on
Melrose that they have been stocking for a year,
Oh my God, you are a rockstar,
We start construction next month and I just got a shipment
of the most beautiful fabric the world has ever seen,
Do you want to see the new one?
Yes,
Bam,
Llamas,
Alpacas,
Llamas are so 2018,
Of course Donna by design will be doing the grand opening,
Of course,
What if we have actual alpacas there?
And then we make gift bags out of your material?
Do alpacas spit?
I think that's camels,
Alpacas do spit but not the ones you ride,
They are chill, they will do selfies,
Hi, baby,
Do you want corn, potatoes, and fried chicken tonight?
Surprise me,
Paul is so insanely hot,
Just your average gourmet chef bodybuilder who can't keep
his hands off me,
His arms are ridiculous,
You know how the elevator in our building is from the 1800s,
literally anytime it's not working he just carries me up
the stairs,
It's so romantic,
Speaking of romantic, did you enjoy your little sleepover?
Did we?
You spent the night?
Try to keep up,
It was fine,
Until - Here it comes,
You guys, he wears tighty whities?
It's like having sex with my dad,
Your dad wears boxer briefs,
What?
I accidentally saw him changing during one of your pool parties
in middle school,
Ew,
He was packing heat,
Stop, oh my God,
This is ridiculous, give me that I'm going to pick the
next one and I dare you to find something wrong with him,
Okay, major agency gorgeous 6'1" and I know he doesn't wear
tighty whities, because here is a picture of him looking fine
and a pair of $165 Derrick Rose boxers,
Bam,
Bald,
So?
I don't find bald guys sexy,
I never have, I can't get past the home Mr, clean thing,
Mr, clean is freaking hot,
And you know his house would be spotless,
That's strange,
They are saying that that whole virus thing is crazy contagious,
Like, it could end up being a pandemic,
The news is so extra,
Always exaggerating,
Delivery,
Okay, thanks,
All right, mask on,
Oh, oh my gosh I am so sorry,
I thought that you were done,
I am almost done,
I'm sorry, I know that that wasn't six feet but I want you
to know that I have not left my -
I better,
Since lockdown started,
I have not had close physical contact with anyone else,
like in a long time,
Like even before the virus,
Oh, that's sad,
No, I mean I have friends,
Going dates,
But, I just don't have anybody, what I'm saying is I'm totally
safe,
Oh, can I go now?
Of course,
I will wait until you are done,
All right,
Okay, instead of starting with our usual quiz to loosen
everyone up, I thought we might try something else,
A new what is your Princess game,
I sent a link,
Claire, you go first,
If I don't get snow white, this stupid thing is broken,
Cinderella, so basic,
Brian, there is something wrong with your camera,
we can't see you,
Sorry, Tony, it's been one of those mornings,
You know, like, every morning until the end of time,
apparently,
Dad, I need a computer for zoom class and Devon is using it
to play Minecraft,
He said I could do Minecraft for my naptime,
Excuse me for one moment,
Dad is working, now although I am in the shower I am at work,
From what I'm seeing down here, Devon,
you've got two options young man,
Either you learn how to wipe the toilet seat and get the pee off
of it or learn how to be a man and hit the can,
Do I make myself clear, sir?
Sorry, I was just helping the kids with their homework,
Where were we?
The princess thing,
Wait, Mulan isn't a princess?
She is a warrior,
Vanessa,
Yeah, snow white,
Great,
Okay, right,
Whatever,
Can we start, please?
I have a client with a ton of questionable's on his Google
results,
Can we take a look at Greg Swanton?
What a creep, did you see his Snapchat profile pic?
He didn't even pay the nursing home his own mother or
daddy,
It gets worse, there's a ton of nasty reviews on Amazon and
he had so many anti-immigrant tweets his housekeepers quit,
That wasn't because of the tweets,
They sued him for sexual harassment,
I'm going to have to write a ton of content to push this past
the first two pages,
Vanessa- I'm at work,
Well, I would tell you to call me back later but I'm about
to have a heart attack from stress,
So don't worry about it,
I want a simple memorial, Cardi B should do something from her
first album,
I want to be buried in that gray suit with a collar and I want my
ashes scattered in Fred Segal,
Okay, everybody relax,
Relax?
The bank is going to foreclose on my store if I don't come up
with some payments,
I'm sure that everyone is going to start buying stuff
again soon,
And one is that, a year from now?
I will be living in a box by then,
Luckily, I have a ton to choose I sold one shirt in the last
week and I'm pretty sure the guys just going to use as toilet
paper,
We are just wondering what is so funny about this client being
wrongfully accused of strangling a sex worker?
Okay, the Nobel Prize for blank goes to blank,
Whining, the whole Internet,
Hey, babe, can you pick me up my prescription before they
close?
Sure,
Do you have masks, gloves, sanitizer?
Yes, ma'am,
Get in, get the prescription, and get out, no browsing,
And have a wet wipe ready to touch the door handle,
Aye, aye captain,
See you guys,
You are fun,
Okay, see know how my birthday is only eight months
away?
Yes, everyone knows,
Yes, we all know,
Will you please get help, get help right away,
So I think Paul is planning something big, like really big,
Like getting down on one knee big,
Well, seems like a weird time for a protest but I'm down for
the cause,
Seriously?
What makes you think that?
He is being super cagey about the specifics,
Maybe it's because it's literally eight months away,
All I do is plan other people's big days,
Now it's finally my turn,
Or, at least it will be once this stupid virus is gone,
Wait, check him out,
I would kill for all of that hair,
No jury in the world would convict me,
It's a match,
He said he now has day pajamas and night pajamas,
I'm going to go talk to him,
Don't hang up, you're not doing anything,
Hi,
Okay, Miss gorgeous, what are you doing on this lame ass
dating app?
Oh, you know, just looking for a little fun while my
husband is on a sold-out tour with his Grammy award-winning
band,
Is it Bono?
It is Bono, isn't it?
I can't tell you that,
But yes, it is Bono,
Wow, that is impressive,
My wife is a supermodel two PhD's so I certainly would know,
It is so weird, isn't it?
I have watched every video on the Internet and I mean,
every single one,
I haven't worn a bra in weeks,
Me neither,
I went to get something out of my purse yesterday and I was
like, oh my God, that's right, we used to have purses,
I'm pretty sure my shoes think I died,
It just happened so fast, didn't it?
I remember when they told us to sing happy birthday while we
washed our hands and I was like okay,
Seems like a million years ago,
So, do you want to take this to the next level and face time?
Slow down there, we just met,
Sure,
Why not?
Okay,
Is Brandon there?
Yes, let me get him for you,
Ta-da,
Oh, it's you,
It's just, your profile pic you looked a lot -
Younger and with more hair,
Yes, they are not the most recent photos but they are all
me,
Got you,
But I did lie about something,
Okay,
Yes, I don't have day and night pajamas,
What I have are inside and outside pajamas,
And those are?
Well, these are outside pajamas, of course,
What kind of Neanderthal would meet a lady in his inside
pajamas?
Well, at least you have a nice place to quarantine,
That fireplace is huge,
Yes, but it's not how big it is, it's how you use it,
So, what do you do?
What do I do?
I help rich people manage their time so that they can make even
more money,
A consultant,
Hello,
Yes, hello,
My God, who is this?
This is countryside Windsor Bell of Northampton acres,
Your kidding me,
I wish that I was,
I did not name her she is a show champion,
But I call her Steve,
Say hello, Steve,
Poor princess, that's terrible,
She's adorable so she gets away with murder,
Which, I'm sure you can relate to,
Brandon - You are killing my game here,
Steve I was seriously crushing this,
Look, you're a great guy,
Great, I will meet you at City Hall in an hour and we can
tie the knot,
No, I get it,
You are out of my league,
What, I didn't say that,
Didn't you?
I'm really sorry,
Yeah, look, I know I should've put up a more recent
photo,
I also know how the world works,
And for the first time in my life,
I feel like I'm running out of time,
It turns out a global pandemic can cause a lot of
soul-searching, who knew?
Maybe there is a multi-verse out there where your insides matter
more than your outsides,
And if there is, I will meet you there,
But, until then I'm sorry that I wasted your time,
Say goodbye to the nice lady, Steve,
Goodbye,
Wait,
How do you like your steak?
My steak?
Like literally or is this some kind of a sex thing?
No, literally,
Medium,
Usually I just leave it up to the chef,
Nothing weird on top?
Is steak sauce weird?
Okay, if you had to choose the original Charlie and the
chocolate factory or the Tim Burton remake?
You are not seriously asking me that,
I am,
Okay, if aliens were given that remake to decide whether or
not to keep us alive as a species,
they would instantly vaporize us,
And, they should,
Right, Steve?
Dogs or cats?
I'm actually allergic to cats but I love them so much am going
to pick them anyway,
Sorry, Steve,
She's already stormed off to file a complaint with HR,
My mistake, it is time for the morning walkies,
Crap, I forgot what time is it?
It is 8:52 AM,
I have to be at work in eight minutes,
Quick get in the shower,
Where are my shoes?
But seriously, I do have to go and look semi-human for work,
This was really nice,
Yes, it certainly was,
Can I call you later?
Sure,
I will be done around 2:00 PM,
2:00 PM will not work, I will be placing my empty pizza box on
top of my trash pile,
How is 3:00 PM
No, I'm sorry, that's not going to work because
I'm going be holding my hair like this to see if bangs would
work at 3:00 PM,
Well, this just isn't going to work out,
Oh, no, I guess not,
It was nice meeting you, though,
Stay safe,
Jinx,
Now I have to call you so that you can un-jinx me,
You hang up first,
Anyone else have anything?
I need an article about 90s TV shows,
Vanessa, why don't you do it?
You grew up watching them,
I'm only nine years older than you,
10,
Whatevs,
See, that's something old people say like lit, or fam,
or Facebook,
Okay, before we say goodbye, let's just go around and do one
quick - >>
My modem is freezing let me call you back,
Miles, I know we talked about this,
I am a carbon-based life form this is how we processed waste,
It's disgusting,
Everybody poops, Donna,
I read in a book,
Would you just call us back when you are done?
Wait,
I'm done,
Oh, God,
That was not 20 seconds,
I am in my own home Donatello what am I touching?
Everything,
I am so sorry, excuse me,
I'm just a little tired for my all-nighter last night,
You cybered with Mr, gray hair last night?
Yes,
His name is Brandon, and to be honest,
those pics were like from 20 pounds in 2 inches of hairline
ago,
I knew it, that was the hair of the gods,
Wait, I'm confused,
It took you all night to tell him never to contact you again?
Brutal,
No,
We actually spent all night getting to know each other,
I never met anyone like him,
But - There is no but,
There's always a but,
Not this time,
He is funny, he is sweet, smart, and you know he also has an
insane home in the Hollywood Hills,
Okay, so you're not attracted to him you are attracted to his
house,
Hey, that's not fair,
She is attracted to his job also,
Yes, he's successful,
But he's also not my type so I feel like those things cancel
each other out,
That isn't how love works, it isn't antimatter,
Isn't it?
We trade the imperfections we can't live with for the ones
that we can,
Plus, you guys knew me before,
You know how hard I have worked to really get to like who I am
today,
Yes, you were fluffier and your skin was interesting,
But you are still the same person on the inside,
People love to say that but it's not true,
You know, when you live in a world where your outside is more
important than the inside, it changes your inside,
Not for the good,
How much do you even know about this guy?
Have you run him through your scrub me program?
No, not yet,
But I'm going to get his last name at dinner tonight and then
going deep, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, background check,
If this guy has so much as an unpaid parking ticket I'm going
to find it,
Or, hear me out,
You could just trust that he's a good guy,
Yeah because insane, psycho, stalkers usually put that right
in their profile,
That reminds me, I need to see via MySpace page,
What, you have nothing in your digital profile?
Of course I do, which is exactly why I hit it,
Try to keep up,
I'm all for the background check but the other stuff,
if you like him, you like him,
Wait,
What time is it?
I have to go shave my legs for tonight,
We are having our first real dinner date,
No guy wants to find out the girl he's talking to is
half yeti,
Donna, will you stay on?
I want us to watch housewives together,
I have to go do something first,
What?
Just take me with you,
No,
Wait?
Are you pooping?
Girls don't poop,
Yes you do,
No, actually we don't, ever,
Siri, do girls poop?
Girls do poop, here are some videos,
No, God no,
Now, listen, this is a very important night for me,
don't you mess it up,
Okay?
High five,
Fine, here,
I'm a little bit nervous, okay,
Okay,
I told you no teeth,
Hello,
Wow, you look ravishing,
This old thing,
I've had it forever,
You look quite handsome yourself,
Well, thank you,
Actually, since it is our first date, I decided to wear pants,
Wow,
And shoes,
I remember those,
Yes, it was a very emotional reunion,
So, Brandon, what is your last name?
It is Donaldson,
What is yours?
McConnell,
I have been talking to you for like eight hours today and I
never asked you what you do for a living,
Well, first of all, it was 10 and secondly,
I work for a company that suppresses negative Internet
results on Google,
Basically, we write original content to push the stuff that
people don't want you to see to the third page,
You know, you could just click past the first two pages
of a Google search and go straight to the third page,
right?
What?
Hold on, I have to write this down,
I'm calling my boss,
You have just blown this whole operation wide open,
I'm sorry had to come from me,
To lock down,
Wow,
What?
It's just, I keep having these moments where I realize
certain things are just not forever,
Like, posting,
Jesus, you are right,
I mean we used to touch our glasses together and then drink
from them,
We used to blow candles out on birthday cakes,
sliced them up and then distribute them to children,
So, I go into the boys bathroom and I line up a ton of toilet
paper and I shove into both nostrils,
Oh, no,
And I'm praying, please let me get past the next few hours
of second-grade and no one will know that I have a bloody nose,
Oh, yes, full proof plan,
Thank you,
All right, so, it's the end of school and I dart across the
playground,
I'm thinking that I'm getting there,
Then, there is a line of pre-k kids walking so slowly,
with the rope and everything,
I feel the surge coming but I get past them,
For some reason, I turn and then blood just splurging out of both
nostrils,
No,
It's like at the end of the Texas chainsaw massacre in the
elevator scene in the shining had a baby - and from that point
until the end of the 12th grade I was known as bloody Mary,
Wow,
That beats mine for sure,
I told you that mine was worse,
What time is it?
It's like 3 AM, I think, I've got to go to bed,
Okay,
Good night, V,
Is it okay that I called you, V?
Yeah, sure,
My best friends call me that,
Good night,
Bloody Mary,
I will come for you,
Look at my new mask,
It's cute,
Are those little dogs?
No, they are dicks,
That way if anybody is like why are there dicks on your mask?
I can tell them, if you can tell that they are dicks you are
standing too close,
Six feet apart mother fucker,
Brilliant,
Dick mask, yes,
Let me take two of them,
I made out of the T-shirt fabric I just sold 45,
no I'm sorry 49 people ordered them,
Do you know what this means?
I am at the forefront,
I'm going to be a titan of industry,
So, did you get his last name?
Yes, I did,
Well?
Don't keep us waiting, how bad is it?
I haven't looked them up yet,
I was going to and then I thought, you know,
I have over analyzed every relationship that I've ever had,
What if I just trust it?
Maybe Miles was right?
I'm sorry, I was looking at my phone and then I heard maybe
Miles is right, so I'm back,
Okay, Brandon is going to be joining us in a minute and I
want to go over some ground rules, no being psycho,
no embarrassing stories from when we were kids,
What about CVS?
Especially CVS,
I promise nothing,
You guys, I think I really like this guy,
don't screw it up for me, okay?
Vanessa got caught shoplifting tampons from CVS and
peed her pants,
I mean, hi, I'm Donna,
Did I do that wrong?
Going to murder you,
Hi, everyone,
It's nice to meet you guys,
Hi, I would like to offer my condolences on the loss of your
hair,
Brandon I am so sorry,
No, that's okay,
Now, when your hair was still with us,
what kind of product did you use?
Well, this was fun, guys,
Goodbye,
No, it's fine,
Don't worry, we are not crazy,
Not at all, boxers or briefs?
Mankinis,
Classic Pisces,
Actually, I'm a Leo,
Yes, but with the Gemini rising a bit,
Donna, what the hell you talking about?
You don't know anything about astrology,
Classic Pisces,
Okay, what sign comes after Pisces?
Pikachu,
Guys, you are being psycho,
A little psycho but it shows that they care about you,
I can understand because you are kind of wonderful,
Awe,
Fun fact Ted Bundy was one of the most charming guys you would
ever meet,
That fact is not fun,
Okay, I will make you to a deal,
Once there is a vaccine I promise to let you know if I
follow through with my plan to murder Vanessa,
cut her into little pieces that I scatter in trash cans,
based on an Excel chart that I put together with the LA County
trash collection system,
Deal?
Deal,
So, what you guys going to do for your first real date?
You mean, like in person?
Well, I hadn't really thought about that,
I mean, I want us to be safe, obviously,
All of the restaurants are closed,
What about the Swan boats?
At the park late, it is outside, you can be 6 feet apart and you
can wear your masks,
Yes, I want the first time that we meet to be special,
You know?
I don't have to wear a mask or - I certainly don't be 6 feet
away,
Okay, well, what if we waited?
What if we pick a date way down the line and if there is a
vaccine by then, we can meet,
I've got it, Halloween,
Could you come up with a less romantic holiday?
Plus, there's no way that there's going to be a vaccine
by then, what about Christmas?
You can unwrap each other,
Ew,
What you mean, that's sexy,
What about Valentine's Day?
That's nine months away,
But is it romantic enough?
Good point,
Valentine's Day it is,
Now, I heard that you all think you are pretty good at cards
with friends,
Pretty good, I will annihilate you,
It was my major in college,
I warned you, they are fierce,
Bring it on,
Okay, you are ready, the next one is: for his self produced
album Mark Zuckerberg wraps to the sounds of -
My mom,
Hey, guys, Donna by design here,
I'm going to teach you how to make a homemade face on mask
with stuff you already have in your kitchen pair just mix
mashed bananas, yogurt, and honey, and apply to your face,
Wait 15 minutes before rinsing off and you will have skin
smoother than a babies butt,
Well, we are officially in lockdown which means people are
staying at home and only interacting with those inside of
their social bubble,
Or, if you are single like me, your cats,
Many people have expanded their bubbles to include
extended family members,
We have just moved my mother-in-law in with us and I'm
looking forward to all getting to spending a lot of quality
time together,
Delivery,
Thanks, you can just leave it there,
By the way left some snacks outside for you,
Oh, thanks!
I coughed on all of them,
Kidding,
A little joke to get us through this crazy time,
you know what I mean,
Never have I ever drunk texted an ex,
Vanessa,
Lies,
So, I guess you're forgetting all about Mitchell and me having
to go into the men's room with him to accidentally bump his
phone into the toilet?
Do you know how many guy codes I had to break to do that?
Wait?
You actually made him do that?
Begged me, crying,
And it wasn't just a text,
Okay, next round,
No, no, I want to know what did you send him?
Look at this photograph,
I can't say I'm in shock because Vanessa sent me a bunch
of pics on our first night,
Brandon,
I was very disturbed although my friends are quite happy since
they all used them as their screensavers,
He is a keeper,
Hey, guys, Donna by design,
If you are like me you struggling with your oily
T-zone,
Puréeing cucumber, lemon, mint, and egg white,
You can spread it, smells like a spa day,
Well, it is 4 July and with it comes restrictions on
gatherings of more than 10 people,
The usual barbecues are canceled,
Which is actually a relief to people who are tired of being
asked at every family function why they don't have kids yet,
I would be making my famous ribs like I do every year,
but this year my mother-in-law wants turkey burgers,
So, we are having turkey burgers,
It's fine,
Hi,
Hey,
Oh, quite the little sweatshop you've got going on
over there,
Literally,
Can you turn up the AC?
You are killing my overhead, Peyton,
Okay, now I promised my great-grandmother Millie that I
would never divulge her secret banana nut muffin recipe,
However, I think that she would give you a pass,
Right, Steve?
Awe, thank you Millie,
Now the secret here is you need to cut the butter into the
flour using your hands,
Just stick my hands in there?
All right,
Okay,
There we go,
You got a little on your nose there,
I do?
Yes, it's adorable, if I was there I would wipe it off,
Okay,
Well, let's see,
Did I get it?
Maybe a little bit more on the cheek,
What about here?
Did I get any up here?
Maybe the other cheek,
Did I get it now?
Because, if I didn't, it would be really embarrassing,
Yes, you've got it,
Okay, Donna, Miles, you are up,
God dammit,
Yes,
This is a really dumb game,
Ouch,
Oh,
So close,
That was not even close,
I am Asian I should be better with ping-pong balls,
Yes,
Your turn, Donna,
Donna?
Yes,
Come on,
Lightweight,
I win,
Delivery,
Oh, can you do me a huge favor?
There is a basket out there of muffins that I need delivered to
that address, there's $20 there,
I'm not supposed to do any deliveries that don't come from
dispatch,
Please?
I met this guy online and I made those muffins from his
great-grandmother secret recipe and he's going to love them,
You know, it's crazy how close she can get to someone without
ever actually physically touching them,
You know what I mean?
Not in a sexual way but, actually maybe in a sexual way,
If I do this delivery can we stop talking about this?
Oh, sure,
Yes,
I left an extra basket of muffins out there for you,
They are unwrapped,
Well, yeah they are homemade,
And they are really hard to make,
I put my blood sweat and tears into those,
Delivery,
Yes,
Can I help you?
A delivery,
I didn't order any muffins,
No, they are from Vanessa,
From Vanessa?
Oh, the muffins,
Yeah,
What?
You didn't eat one, did you?
No, of course not,
Good, because that batches like 100% pure,
You would've had a really bad trip,
These are drug muffins?
Your,,, my hug muffin,
I was going to tip you,
Come here,
I've got you,
These muffins are not for you,
These are for me,
Wow,
Almost as good as yours, Granny,
I met someone,
I wish you could have met her too,
Because, she is amazing,
Hey, hey, it is your girl Donna,
And, I didn't get a chance to go the supermarket this week so I'm
working with what I have,
Oatmeal, avocado, and a little bit of French vanilla creamer,
It smells delicious,
It itches a little bit,
There something so weird about no contact
trick-or-treating,
Oh, the kids don't care as long as they get their candy,
In fact, they would prefer it, no small talk,
Full-size, impressive,
For the kids,
Absolutely,
I may or may not have gotten all of my favorites,
for the children, of course,
Hey, guys, me again,
The last mask didn't work out so well,
But, that's why the good Lord invented calamine lotion,
This has expired milk, oats, and cinnamon,
You can really feel it getting deep in those pores,
It is deep in there,
It is like a burning sensation,
Okay, now, it is really burning,
The dreaded second wave is upon us which means
unfortunately, people will be forced to have a virtual
Thanksgiving this year,
Although, it might be the least stressful turkey day they have
ever had because they will be able to avoid the never ending
questions about their personal life,
Back to you,
That's right, Courtney,
Lucky for me, my mother-in-law is still in our bubble,
So I get to hear, in person, how dry my turkey is,
Happy Thanksgiving,
Hi,
Oh, happy Thanksgiving to you, too,
Ouch,
I'm sorry, the holiday orders are killing me,
I need more Rudolph,
I said use candy cane,
It really is the most wonderful time of the year,
I can't believe you're making Peyton work on Thanksgiving,
What, it's not like he has any place to go,
Plus, I got him a 6 inch turkey sub,
You said foot-long,
I ordered a foot-long, we are splitting it,
Paul has been cheating on me,
Oh, Peyton, stop the machines,
We have like another hundred to do,
My friend is hurting and she needs me for the next 5 to 10
minutes,
I was going through his phone to find this really hot picture
of me that he took the other day and she texted him,
she was all like "hey, baby, why don't you say you're going to
run another errand so you can see me?"
Oh, Donna,
I am so sorry,
I told him to pack his crap and get the hell out of my
house,
That's my girl,
And the worst part isn't even the lying or the cheating,
or the sneaking around, who knows how much coronavirus this
trash has been exposed to?
And he's been bringing it home here to me,
I hope that his junk falls off,
Right off,
What do you need?
Soup?
Vodka?
I will bring over a care package and pass it through the window,
I will keep on a mask and set the fire escape and we will
watch really bad movies,
And I will send you my favorite compilation of cats
being jerks videos which will make you laugh so hard,
you will pee your pants like you are Vanessa at CVS,
And I will bring gummy sharks but,
the ones from the bottom of the bin so they are extra squishy,
You guys are the best,
But I'm fine here all by myself,
I'm just going to give myself a manicure,
order a bunch of crap online I don't need, and take a nap,
That sounds perfect,
Hey, what color snuggie should I get?
Oh God, no nobody ever went wrong with classic blue,
I am working on a blog post about all of the different
things that you can do with duct tape,
Did you know that the astronauts use it in space to put the wings
back on the shuttle?
That 100% never happened,
That is duct tape,
DUCT tape,
So annoying,
I'm not the one who doesn't know how to spell duck, Brian,
So, who's annoying now?
And you still are every single day,
Okay, okay, everyone relax,
It is duct like air duct,
Nevermind, it is fine,
Look, we are all stressed,
I get it,
Vanessa, have you finished that call of duty list to call?
Vanessa, hello?
What?
Yes, call of duty, high schools, got it,
What is wrong with you?
Nothing,
Why?
Because, zoning out for no reason is a RONA symptom,
Are you serious, you can't catch it through the Internet,
You don't know how serious this thing is,
it was made by scientists,
And, I'm already at risk because I'm using 5G and I'm not giving
that up,
Dad, Devon took the laptop even though you told him I could
have it,
That's not fair I only got to and she got one,
One is less than two, idiot,
Yeah, and Melody called me an idiot,
Could you all excuse me for one moment, please?
Devon, this is what happened when you do mine craft and not
math,
Neither one of you should be eating Twinkies this close to
dinner,
But, dad, Dad,
Santa Claus just text me and said he heard all of that,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Donna,
Happy birthday to you,
Okay, make a wish,
This is ridiculous, Everybody is having zoom
birthday parties, it is fun,
Okay, now blow,
Seriously?
I wish that Paul and that hoe both get Corona and die
screaming,
You're not supposed to say your wish out loud,
But, the wish can still come true,
Presents,
Present,
Read the card,
To Donna, the coolest, funniest, wildest,
most adventurous girl we know,
What is this?
It's a candle,
It's just like the one that I have,
You always liked the way it smelled,
I was being polite,
This candle is like being beaten with a piece of sandalwood and
then smuggled to death with magnolias,
Gardenias,
Whatever,
Great, so instead of an obscenely large engagement ring
and a lifetime of earth shattering sex I get a candle,
I'm going to die alone with an oily T-zone in a pandemic,
No, no honey, no,
That is not going to happen we are not going to let that
happen,
No, no, you know that's not true,
That's just think in,
Everybody stop,
Now, you listen to me, of course you're going to meet someone and
is going to be more of a man than that jerk Paul ever was
because when you least expect it, that's when it happens,
Trust me,
Now I know what will really cheer you up,
Cake,
Yay,
Oh, wait,
Wow, this sky is so clear tonight,
Maybe that's why all this is happening, you know,
so mother nature could take a deep long breath without us
humans screwing it up like we always do,
What if COVID is the Earth's immune system,
and we are the virus,
Woah, so how long do you think?
This could just be how things are forever,
Well, that would suck,
I thought that you liked lockdown, he said it was cozy,
I do, it is,
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I've got food, Wi-Fi,
and a roof over my head,
It's just, you know, I want to have a little more,
And I am officially too drunk to be having this conversation,
What conversation?
This conversation,
Yes,
I know,
It's just, you are like the coolest girl that I've ever met,
You know?
You are funny,
You are sexy,
You know, I think about my ex-girlfriend and she used to
line me up against this checklist,
It just got in the way of both of us being who we are,
You made it clear from the very beginning that you liked
who I was,
Who I really was,
And that's awesome,
If I would've met you in real life I probably wouldn't have
given you a chance I would've missed out on a really great
guy,
I'm sorry for that,
Apology unnecessary and accepted,
I mean, plus, you have a beautiful home which obviously
cost you a fortune,
So,
What if I didn't have this home?
And I was a struggling writer or something?
Would that matter?
The truth?
Of course,
You know, you know how in movies the girl is always thrilled to
get engagement ring out of a vending machine,
Well, in real life, she would be horrified,
So it's not the thought that counts?
I mean it is,
But, not in real life,
You could have like three heads and I would still be
in lo-ike with you,
I lo-ike you too,
I think about holding your hand,
I mean you know, no gloves, or anything,
Just your warm hand against mine as we walk and talk,
Okay, full disclosure, thinking about more than holding your
hand,
Really?
Yes,
Well, why don't we take this conversation somewhere a little
bit more comfortable?
Really?
Very really,
Oh, Brandon,
What happened, did you get disconnected?
Oh my God, I was so close,
Excuse me?
So close to what?
I'm guessing that it's not Jesus,
What you doing here?
Hi, Brandon, what are you up to?
Just, you know, just hanging out,
Yeah, literally,
Miles,
I can't see anything I was just kidding,
I guarantee he really tried,
Are you two snacking while you are watching us have sex?
I'm so sorry about this, Brandon,
Of always wanted a foursome I'm pretty sure that this
counts,
Oh my God,
Goodbye,
Ugh could that have been any unsexier,
Well, I could've always loop in my Nana,
I am so sorry,
I can't even believe that,
You do not have to apologize to me, Vanessa,
So, I mean, we were close, shall we, you know?
Yes,
I mean, look, this was great,
Really great,
Really hot,
But it wasn't real,
You know,
I want the first time with you to be real,
I can wait for that,
Okay,
Me too,
Of course, if this goes on for more than a year we can
circle back,
Obviously,
What if we had a sleepover?
That sounds dangerous,
No, not like a real one,
Just like this,
If we left our computers on all night,
Oh, yes,
Good night, Brandon I lo-ike you,
I lo-ike you too,
Here you go,
Let's cover him up,
So, what's on the agenda today?
I've gotta go to work,
Oh, are you okay?
Did I do something?
Is it my breath?
I saw her, Brandon,
Her, who?
The gorgeous woman that you obviously live with,
Who you share Steve with,
Oh, no, no, I don't live with her,
Live with, sleep with, it doesn't matter,
whatever you want to call it,
She always has keys to your place,
Well, yes she has a key, because it's her - it's
complicated,
Doesn't seem very complicated to me,
I'm glad we cleared it up,
Can you guys help me?
I'm looking for a part that is mostly red with a little out
part that has white on it,
The in part is mostly here,
What are you doing over there?
Donna, seriously?
Well, what do you call the little in part and the sticky
out part?
I don't because puzzles are for the children and the
elderly,
If I wanted to lose something for a couple of hours I would
just put my tablet pen down,
They are called tabs and slots,
The pieces of a puzzle,
I had to do a blog post on it a while ago,
Oh, was it for, "Oh my God nobody cares magazine?"
We are out of alpaca,
I said use llama,
You're kidding me, right?
Okay, this is my CEO time I'm not to be bothered,
Are you okay, V?
Okay, what if you had never tried mushrooms because you just
knew that you wouldn't like it?
So you spend your entire adult life making sure that people
know that you don't want mushrooms even go as far as to
lies about being allergic to mushroom so you don't have to
deal people tell you, just tried and they are delicious because
you know, deep down, that you will never ever like mushrooms?
But then, one day, someone comes along and offers you $1 million
if you eat a mushroom,
So, you do it,
It's actually really good,
And then, they tell you that they aren't going to give you a
penny, they just and what you to go the rest of your life without
ever giving mushrooms a chance,
What you do?
I mean, sure, he like mushrooms now,
but you would've never eaten them if they hadn't lied to you
about the money,
So now, you try another mushroom and it tastes terrible,
I'm so confused,
Is this about global warming?
Is earth the mushroom?
No, Corona is the mushroom,
Hey, Brandon is on,
Hold on, wait,
Where are you?
Why is there a bunkbed?
Because this is my place,
My real place,
What you talking about?
Remember when I asked you how you felt if I was a struggling
writer?
Well, ta-da,
So, you broke into someone's mansion and pretended that it
was yours?
No, I didn't break into anyone's mansion,
Look, I make money by walking dogs for people and one of my
clients was stuck overseas because of corona,
So, I was watching her house and Steve sitting,
That's the lady that you saw she got back this morning,
And, this is my fancy gourmet kitchen,
I'm actually a pretty good cook,
I didn't lie about that,
In fact, my roommate say I make the best croque mosier they've
ever had,
You have roommates?
Yes, I have roommates,
But, the room is all mine,
Plus, I have the top and bottom bunks,
That's fancy,
Look, I never set out to lie to you, Vanessa,
I just didn't correct you when you thought that the house was
mine,
You did a hell of a lot more than just not correct me,
What else are you lying about, Brandon?
My name is not Brandon,
It is Daniel Brandon Donaldson,
So let me get this straight, you made a fake profile with a
fake name, and old pictures of yourself and then you pretended
you had a real job and a mansion?
Why?
You know why,
No, actually, I don't,
Because we both know that a guy like me without money may as
well not even exist okay, because in this world,
it is the successful people who make the rules,
You know, I really don't think you should be lecturing
anyone on ethics right now, okay?
You are the bad guy here,
I'm not the bad guy I'm the same guy that I was yesterday,
who you are laughing with,
That guy is real,
This stuff, that is fake,
I'm a good guy,
I'm just not good enough for you,
Are you okay, V?
Yes, I'll be fine,
Are you sure, because I wouldn't want you to feel like
the worst person in the world,
That would be rough,
Excuse me?
You just evaporated the heart of a great guy over some
superficial garbage that doesn't matter,
Donna, he lied to me,
Stop acting like that's what this is about,
You know what, okay,
Fine, I need to be with someone successful, powerful,
I'm never going to fall in love with Brandon or Daniel whatever
his name is,
You are already in love with him,
I've known you since you were 12,
I've seen every relationship that you've been in and I've
never seen you anywhere close to this happy before,
Yeah, my mom and dad were real happy to until she finally
figured out what a loser he was and he was living off of her for
18 years,
Okay, so this guy has to suffer just in case he turns out
to be like your loser dad?
Solid plan,
So, what you want me to do?
String him along until I can't take it anymore,
and then break up with him?
This was the decent thing to do, okay?
I'm protecting him,
No, the decent thing to do is to not be such a shallow jerk,
But, hey, you do you,
Miles, miles, come on,
You know how hard I have worked to find the like myself on the
inside and the outside,
I worked my ass off to become this person,
And, I deserve someone who is successful in every way,
I'm not going to wind up with some loser like my mom,
The truth is, you could have any guy you want,
So, if you want a hot guy with money, just go after that,
You've done it a thousand times before,
Oh, hey, namaste,
What you think?
Do you like what you see?
Oh, is that a stripper pole?
This?
Yes,
This baby is top-of-the-line,
Only the best for my guests,
Didn't even realize there were different kinds,
Yeah, it is cool, right?
Is that a dog?
What?
No, bro, this is bruno cuscinetti cashmere,
No, I hate dogs especially the little yappy ones,
Yes, I love cooking but med school keeps me busy that I
hardly have time for it anymore,
Yeah, of course,
It's so strange, though, I swear I recognize your voice,
Maybe in your dreams?
No, that's not it,
Wait a minute,
Are you my delivery guy?
Wait,
Are you Vanessa MacConnell?
Oh my God, yes, oh my gosh, I knew that I recognize your
voice,
I had just never seen you without the mask,
This is an insane coincidence,
I am not your drug mule,
Hey there, stranger,
Glad to see you are alive,
Yeah, you too,
No, I never got to thank you for that night,
It was fun,
Yes, it sure was,
Maybe we should have some fun again?
Right now?
Why not?
I'm just lying here,
What are you wearing?
Just the shirt,
Come on, babe, what else are you wearing?
Show me,
You know, I'm actually just wearing some old sweatpants,
I thought this was going to be a waste up kind of call,
Well, I'm feeling a little underdressed at the moment,
I'm just in my underwear,
Yes, there they are,
Where are you, seriously?
We are at the hospital,
Call me back,
They said that she had an allergic reaction to one of
those facial masks she made,
I kept calling and calling she wouldn't pick up,
I went over there, thank God I did because she was unconscious
when we found her,
We?
I kept trying to call you but I couldn't get in touch so I was
face timing with Daniel,
With Daniel?
Yes, he called me because he had an idea for a new ad for one
of my products,
He always calls me on stuff like that,
He does?
Yes, he was there in five minutes,
We tried calling the ambulance, we called 911 but everybody is
overwhelmed because of the flu, the holidays,
and COVID and they said that it may take 20 minutes,
Daniel picks her up and carried her down three flights of
stairs, got her into the cab and kept me calm while I was giving
the hospital her admission info,
I was a mess,
Wait, he's here right now?
Yes, he went to the bathroom right after I called you,
It was 30 minutes ago,
Hi,
How is she?
She will survive,
Thanks to you,
I just did what any other person would do,
No,
No you didn't,
You never do,
Other people just scroll past their friends fundraisers but
you donate to every single one,
even when you can't afford it,
You send people silly cat videos when they are up at 3 AM,
You treat every dog that you walk like it was your own,
I read every yelp review, every Instagram post -
Did you happen to pull my credit report because those
things cost like 20 bucks?
No,
But I did read your blog,
All 175 posts,
You are a great writer,
Well, blog writing isn't real writing,
Hell it isn't,
Apparently every major literary agent in town would
disagree with you,
Well, then we don't stop until we find one with some damn
taste,
We?
I have wasted my entire life searching for things that I
thought were deal breakers in a soulmate,
And, it turns out, you are the most successful man I've ever
met,
So, can we start over?
For real this time,
Okay,
This is my face,
My actual face,
No makeup, filters, no making sure that the light is right no
angle from above to make sure that it thins out my double
chin,
You see this, spanx, I used to wear these everyday,
Because of my thought that I didn't I would look like one of
those bold stopped 50s roasts that those housewives used to
make,
This is a fish tank that I had for a fish that died years ago,
What's his name?
Fish,
His name was fish,
Take-out boxes pair because, I can't cook,
I would burn a bowl of cereal,
Full calorie Coke,
There's no Diet Coke here,
There is no diet anything,
Also, did I just recycle it or thrown in the trash because I'm
lazy and I'm selfish,
And I only think of myself,
And I'm so sorry that I hurt you, Danny,
I don't lo-ike you, I love you,
I'm in love with you,
The end of quarantine means that extended family members can
finally leave the bubble and return to their own homes,
They can go back to being the people we speak to on the phone
every few weeks or so,
Allowing their adult children to resume making their own choices
without mom wiping their bum for them,
It's been a long three years,
It has only been one year,
Has it?
What is this all about?
I could tell you but I would have to kill you first,
And you are one of my best customers,
Here,
I don't -
Vanessa, 12 months ago the world just stopped,
And all of these things that we thought we needed suddenly were
gone,
This year we had to figure out how to survive,
And, the only way to do that was to grow,
Together,
Will you go into lockdown with me?
Forever?
Yes,
Yes, of course,
Absolutely,
Oh my God, you guys,
It's beautiful,
That is the most romantic thing I've ever seen,
I know,
If you ever do that, they will never find your body,
Vanessa, I'm so happy for you,
I think I'm going to cry,
These are so cute,
We just stopped them at the store,
To the end of quarantine,
And the beginning of us,
I lo-ike you, I like you,
Once upon a time, a girl met a guy,
she kind of had a crush on him and wanted to hide,
Once upon a time, a guy met a girl,
and took her to a dance and gave her a world,
He brought her flowers the very next day,
Turns out she had the courage to say, I know I like you,
I know I do,
I like you,
No matter what you put me through,
Six months later he got down on one knee,
we ran away to Vegas tied the knot,
12 months later, a baby was due,
He kind of had a panic, didn't know what to do,
I knew the way to make him okay, all I needed to say,
I loo-ike you,
I know I do,
l Io-ike you,
Together we will make it through,
Woah woah woah woah,
Now we are old and turning gray, we still say it every day,
I lo-ike you, I know I do,
No matter what you put me through,
I lo-ike you,
I know I do, I lo-ike you,
I guess he kind of likes me too,
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