Hey! What the,,,
Watch it!
Come on !
Hey, watch it, asshole,
Hey,
Where are you off to i n such a h u rry?
Wherever I want, Now get out of my way!
-Move ! -Okay, ch i l l , man !
I'm movi ng ,
I'm safe, No way he fi nds me u p here,
It's j ust you r nerves, Tom my, He's not here,
He can't be,
Al l rig ht, you snooty clown ,
You won't take me without a fig ht,
Speak, dam n you ! Say someth i ng ,
Say anyth i ng !
Mi me the gap,
And, boom!
Wow, look at that,
My agent was right,
This is it, My big break,
The one that takes me from C-list action guy
to A-list action guy,
Oh, Yeah, Oh, sorry,
You don 't even know who I am,
Let me introduce myself,
My name is--
Cut!
Nope, My name is not "Cut,"
But you get that, You're smart,
Unlike that guy, the director, and I use that term very loosely,
He 's only here because he made a really popular shampoo commercial,,,
, , , somewhere in Yugoslavia,
Now, you'd think a guy like that would be grateful for the opportunity,
But no,
Not this guy,
And you know why?
Because he 's a bully,
and there 's nothing on this earth I hate more than a bully,
What the hel l was that?
-What the hel l was what? -That!
The l i ne is, "G ravity's a bitch , "
Not "Mi me the gap" !
We have to have that l i ne,
Remem ber, you say it at the beg i n n i ng , and then it comes i nto play at the end ,
Oh , come on , Ethan ,
We both know that "g ravity's a bitch" is a terri ble l i ne,
You don't see the writer
-raisi ng h is hand to com plai n , -U h , g uys, cou ld you ,,,
And honestly, even if he d id , he's j ust a writer,
I can always toss a can of Blab out the wi ndow
and get another one that wi l l beg for a chance
to rewrite th is garbage,
I don't need some d iva D-l ist action star i m provisi ng l i nes,
I was fou nd i n the sl u ms of Thai land ,
where I worked as an assassi n , ki l l i ng men with on ly my pi n ky,
So if you wan na keep g ivi ng me g rief,
then , pal , we can end th is rig ht now,
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call acting,
Bam!
Yeah , I , , , I mean ,
"Mi me the gap" is pretty clever,
After al l , fi l m maki ng is about col laboration ,
We can make it work, I n fact, I love it, G reat idea,
G lad you came arou nd , Now, don't bother me,
We've got one more day of shooti ng before Ch ristmas break
and you r star needs some "me" ti me,
Ch uck, I thoug ht I said no orange ones,
The dye wi l l ki l l me,
You want me to d ie, Ch uck?
No, Mr, Cage, Of cou rse I don't,
I , , , I wou ld , , , I'd g ive my l ife for you , si r,
Oh, I bet he would,
That's Chuck, my assistant,
Fresh off the bus from who-knows-where,
I mean, he told me,
but boring info like that just slips away, you know?
Good kid,
A little obsessed with yours truly, But who isn 't?
Al l rig ht, keep u p the autog raph i ng ,
There are some adori ng fans desperate to see my face,
Joh n ny! Joh n ny!
Oh , man , We are screwed , kid ,
Brian Van Jones, producer extraordinaire,
Good guy,
We 've done a few films overseas, Nothing you'd remember,
But this movie is as much of a break for him as it is for me,
Is th is about the rewrite? Now, before you get u pset,
d id you hear the l i ne?
You are gon na love it,
I th row the g uy off the trai n and I'm l i ke, "Mi me"--
No, Joh n ny, it's Jen n ifer,
She's gone,
Who's Jen n ifer? Oh , My co-star, Jen n ifer?
Yes, you r co-star, The star,
Wel l , I don't know if she's "the, "
Her most i m portant scene is slated for tomorrow,
and we can't fi nd her,
What? Wait,
Are you h itti ng the booger sugar agai n , Brian? Come on ,
I wish ,
She's not answeri ng her phone, her assistant's d isappeared ,
And if we can't get her on set by tomorrow,
th is movie doesn't get fi n ished ,
And then we're screwed ,
We pre-sold th is movie al l over the world on her name,
I've a m i l l ion dol lars com i ng from N igeria,
N igeria, Joh n ny,
You know how hard that is i n a cou ntry that has th ree theaters?
Yeah , yeah , yeah , But, I mean ,
we know who the mai n d raw for th is th i ng is, rig ht?
Yeah , she is,
I don't know what we're gon na do,
Without that scene,,,
Th is was my big break, you know?
A red one?
You know red dye wi l l ki l l you , rig ht?
Mr, Cage says that's the orange ones,
No, orange ones are fi ne,
Red ones wi l l blow out you r ass and melt you r stomach ,
Everybody knows that,
-I cou ld do-- -Brian , cal m down ,
I'm on you r side here,
Now what if I head over to Jen n ifer's house
and show her a l ittle Joh n ny Cage charisma?
Real ly, Joh n ny? You'd do that?
Oh , come on , man , There's noth i ng to worry about,
Joh n ny Cage has it hand led ,
You're a special g uy, Joh n ny,
In retrospect, this is where everything went sideways,
See my name
In the bright lights I got the fame
And the film lights, it's my time,,,
I've fi n ished send i ng the g ifts req uested to you r fam i ly and friends,
G reat,
We're al most to the fi n ish l i ne, Ch uck,
After I convi nce Jen n ifer to come back to the set,
we can fi nal ly take a break,
And by "we, " I mean "me, "
'cause I'l l need you to work th roug h the hol iday,
It real ly is the most wonderfu l ti me of the year,
I ndeed , si r,
Thoug h , it's strange to celebrate Ch ristmas without any snow,
Snow?
You can leave that sh it to the suckers on the East Coast,
Me, I l i ke to celebrate Baby J C's bi rthday,
same i n itials, by the way, rig ht here
i n su n ny SoCal ,
Golden su nsh i ne, bl ue skies, pretty g i rls,
-She's sti l l looki ng? -Yeah ,
-Sti l l? -Yeah ,
Good ,
Famous
I'm so famous,,,
Mr, Cage, Can I ask you a q uestion?
Yes, My hai r is real ,
No, I can't actual ly pu nch th roug h metal ,
And , yes, it's true what they said about Dol ly and I ,
but I don't l i ke to tal k about it,
No, No, I , , , I j ust,,,
I j ust want to know how you got so cool ,
Good q uestion , Ch uck,
And l ucky for you , we have a few m i n utes
for me to regale you on the orig i ns of the Adon is you see before you ,
I was once l i ke you ,
Truth is, I was bu l l ied a lot i n school ,
You were?
Yeah , I was,
From Paris to Japan
Let's start at the beginning,
Yep, there I am,
Getting my ass handed to me in gym class,
You're gon na cry, l ittle baby?
Aw, l ittle baby's gon na cry,
Well, of course I'm gonna cry, you pizza-faced asshole,
You just threw a basketball at my nose,
My mom tried calling the principal, the teachers,
They all said the same thing,
"Boys will be boys, Things will get better,"
But they didn 't,
It got worse,
My mom, a saint among saints,
The person who always said fighting was for Neanderthals,
had had enough,
She took me to the local dojo,,,
,,,one of those strip mall places you've seen a dozen times,
This wasn 't some sort of fly-by-night, black-belt-for-moneyjoint,
This was the real deal,
That's when I met Master Boyd,
And my life changed forever,
Fed by love and good desire
A will of steel take you even higher
Bad memories that howl my name
That ember soon became a scorching flame
I'm coming back to rise again
I feel this will be the best of me
Nothing can slow me down
Or make me stop
'Cause nothing can stand in my way
I'm coming back to rise again
I feel this will be the best of me
Nothing can slow me down
Or make me stop
'Cause nothing can stand in my way
I'm gonna rise to the top
I had learned a lot in a short time,
but the greatest lesson wasn 't about how to kick or punch,
It was something else,
Oh , look at that,
Little Joh n ny fi nal ly learned how to move out of the way,
Where do you th i n k you're goi ng , Carlton?
We're not th roug h tal ki ng to you yet,
All those people that said being bullied is a part of life,
that it'll get better, they're full of shit,
The truth is, it only gets better when you fight back,
Yeah, I got in trouble, but it was worth it,
Therein lies the lesson,
Weak people bully,
But the minute you push back, they fold like a hideaway bed,
After that, I poured myself into martial arts,
My master said I was special, taught me everything he knew,
But that wasn 't enough,
I traveled everywhere,
I have so many miles now,
Learning from the greatest martial arts masters around the planet,
Hapkido, kendo, savate,
I pronounced all of those correctly,
But eventually, all roads led here,
To beautiful, sunny California,
Stop ! Th ief! Stop h i m !
Kid , th is is you r l ucky day,
So, Ch uck, what'd you learn
from that wel l-told and i ncred i bly i nspi rational story?
It's i m portant to develop you r i n ner strength
to hel p those i n need ,
And become a hero to the world arou nd you ,
No,
Kick fi rst, be awesome, make money,
Here, I'l l make it si m ple for you ,
Write th is down , W-W-J-C-D ,
What wou ld Joh n ny Cage do?
I j ust said that,
You're gon na be okay, Ch uck, And we're here,
Under neon lights, it's paradise
And this is your time
So keep on dancing
Dancing through the night, , ,
I'm sorry, Mr, Cage,
I know how i m portant Ninja Mime is to you r career,
Maybe, , , Maybe she's left town ,
-[eng i ne and stereo tu rn of -J ust because she d id n't answer,
doesn't mean she's not there,
I'l l j ust hop the fence, take a look-see,
Oh ! U h ,,,
Do me a favor, Ch uck, Go down the h i l l and get my ride washed ,
Maybe I shou ld stay for a few m i n utes u nti l--
Listen , Ch uck, conversations with the lad ies
tend to go on longer than a few m i n utes,
Get me?
No, No, I don't,
Anyway, make su re you get the wheels done,
And don't scratch it,
I'm cou nti ng on you , Ch uck,
I got it!
Oh , the th i ngs I do for fame,
Jen n ifer!
Ug h ! I've seen some d u m ps i n my ti me, but, wow,
You th i n k she'd have a l ittle more self-respect,
I mean , h i re a housekeeper,
Way to tu rn the l i bido down to one,
Yoo-hoo ! Everyone decent?
We shou ld've ki l led you when we had the chance, Ash rah ,
Yes, Kia, You shou ld have,
Lad ies, Lad ies, I'm not su re what's goi ng on here,
but I'm looki ng for Jen n ifer,
Now I'd be happy to g ive th is back if--
Oh , sh it!
Fuck,
Okay, Okay, Okay,
Okay!
Sorry,
Okay, Please j ust let me,,,
Fuck ! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,,,
Whoa ! Slow down ,
H m m?
Wow,
Obviously, th is is tu rn i ng us both on ,
Can you feel that? But I don't have ti me,
I'm looki ng for Jen n ifer, Do you know where she is?
Get back here, Frisbee Hat,
Okay, wait for me !
I said , wait!
Is that a,,,
Oh , sh it,
I'd like to say that I'm about to chase after them
because I'm concerned about Jennifer, and not about getting a movie finished,
Ah , sh it!
And that's sort of true,
Jennifer's well-being is critical to the film,
so, in reality,
I am worried about her,
which makes me less of a jerk than we 're all probably thinking I am,
Fuck,
Phew! Glad we got that figured out,
Oh , man , I hope I don't get blamed for th is,
Slow down !
Stop ! Please !
Hey, come back here with my car!
Are you kidd i ng me, you jerk !
Oh , come on ,
And over here we have the home of Jen n ifer,
world-famous actress,
Oh , smel ls l i ke she's havi ng a backyard barbecue of some sort,
I'm sorry, si r, Th is is a private tou r,
I need you to fol low that bi ke,
Si r, , , Wait, Do I know you?
Of cou rse you do, I'm Joh n ny Cage, action star extraord i nai re,
Action?
H m m , Yeah , Actual ly, I'm real ly more i nto d ramas,
Yeah , wel l , need less to say, I have con nections,
And if you catch that bi ke, I'l l read you r scri pt,
How'd you know I'm a writer?
Everyone's a writer i n th is town , baby,
Now move !
Hel lo, lad ies and gentlemen ,
So g lad you cou ld joi n us on the tou r,
If you look off to you r left, you'l l see my good friend Tom's chateau ,
Yes, it's true, He does h is own stu nts,
But it's because he doesn't have m uch to l ive for,
And over there I fou nd out g i rls real ly do j ust wan na have fu n
with that q u i rky pop star you al l know and love,
Tel l my sister hel lo,
We'l l fi nd you , Ash rah , And when we do,,,
Ug h , freaki ng pigeons,
There she is,
Al l rig ht, team , get me closer,
U m , are you su re that's a good idea?
I've seen my stu nt dou bles do th is half a dozen ti mes,
How hard cou ld it be?
Turns out, really hard,
Whoa !
Ah h h ! Now who'l l read my spec?
What?
I'm al ive,
-Ch uck ! -Mr, Cage,
I saw you j u m p on the bus, so I thoug ht I'd fol low and--
Yeah , yeah , yeah , I don't need the play-by-play, Get me to that car,
Yes, si r,
Sig nal ,
Miss me?
Are you always so agg ressive?
Okay,
J ust tel l me where Jen n ifer is, then you can have you r d u m b scrol l ,
I don't know, Now g ive it to me,
Wel l , it's been real , , , bad ,
It's been real ly bad , Later, babe,
Okay, Drive th is, , ,
G reat,
You know, you're a real bitch ,
Whoa !
Hey,
Lad ies, what do you th i n k about the pool?
Brand new,
Are you okay?
Better than okay, Look what I have,
What is it?
No idea,
But if those ku ng fu bitches were wi l l i ng to blow u p a house
and try to ki l l me, it has to be i m portant, Pu l l over,
It's l iteral ly a star map,
And what's th is on the back?
It looks G reek to me,
You shou ld leave the jokes to me, son ,
No, I'm bei ng serious, That's G reek,
You know G reek?
Remem ber when you starred i n that fi l m Gist of my Fist?
That one prod ucer?
Wel l , he sent me everyth i ng over i n G reek,
-I had to translate it for you r lawyer, -H u h ,
So, what does it say?
No idea,
But I have a G reek d ictionary back at home,
We can go by and pick it u p,
Oh ! Maybe you can fi nal ly autog raph my poster of--
Sh ut u p, Wel l , whatever it is,
it's the reason that Jen n ifer is m issi ng ,
Wh ich means there's on ly one th i ng left to do,
-Recast Jen n ifer, -Go to the pol ice,
I mean , go to the pol ice, Rig ht, Yes, That's the smart move,
Come on ,
I've fai led you , Master, I've lost the scrol l ,
Kia was there,
And another,
A most form idable warrior,
Warrior?
Yes, He had a strong jaw,
If I were of th is world , I wou ld say, , , handsome,
If not for h is determ i ned spi rit and d istracti ng smel l ,
I wou ld have the scrol l ,
and the forces of darkness wou ld never have had a chance to escape,
You sti l l have ti me, Ash rah ,
The longest n ig ht is yet to come,
I wi l l not fai l you agai n ,,,
Lord Raiden ,
I do not dou bt it,
And neither shou ld you ,
Ash rah ,
What is the name of th is warrior?
He is cal led Joh n ny Cage,
H m m ,
Go, Retrieve the map and see if you can en l ist th is warrior's hel p,
But Master, I can--
A cord of many strands is not so easi ly broken ,
Besides, there may be more to th is Joh n ny Cage than meets the eye,
Ch uckie, g rab that, wou ld you?
Joh n ny Cage's car, How can I hel p you?
G ive me that,
You're i n the Cage with Joh n ny,
Johnny, it's your fucking beloved agent, Dave,
I need you to swing by the fucking office right fucking now,
Cal m down , Dave, I wou ld love to,
But I'm ki nd of i n the m idd le of savi ng my movie,
- Jen n ifer has gone m issi ng-- - Johnny!
I don 't care if you're trying to save a fucking orphanage
from closing on fucking Christmas,
I just got the biggest fucking offer
of your career,
, , , wants you
for his next fucking picture,
Yeah, That ,
Why the hell is that being bleeped?
Legal? All right, Fine, fine,
Everyone knows who I'm talking about anyway, right?
I mean, he did and ,
Shit, seriously?
Okay, this, , , director, , , has the Midas touch,
One year, he 'll make an adventure flick that makes a bazillion dollars,
and the next, a dramatic picture that wins all the awards,
So for now, we 'll call him "The Big Man, "
so legal doesn 't ride my ass,
Are you all right with that, lawyers?
Point is, can wait,
I'l l be rig ht over,
Ah h h !
Heart attack, heart attack
There 's no going back
Heart attack
[eng i ne and stereo tu rn of
Mr, Cage, Mr, Dou bldy is expecti ng you ,
Stay out here, kid , I'l l on ly be a m i n ute,
Ah ! Li ke with Jen n ifer?
U m , no, Wei rdo,
What wou ld Joh n ny Cage do?
H i , My name is, , ,
My foul-mouthed agent, David Doubldy,
Or rather, David fuckin ' Doubldy,
as he likes to call himself,
Recognize him?
He 's the guy from Venice Beach, the one that had his wallet lifted,
Turns out, he was one of LA 's biggest agents,
and after my fancy footwork, he took me on,
He 's been looking after me ever since,
Fucki n' su perheroes !
Su perheroes?
On ly nerds l i ke that stuff,
And the Big Man ,
And if the Big Man says you're playi ng a tu rtle i n a thong ,
you better tuck those fucki ng jewels and get ready for a wedg ie,
I do look good i n a thong , When does it start shooti ng?
Beg i n n i ng of the year,
Wel l , merry Ch ristmas to me,
G reat, I can't wait,
Don't I always take care of you , kid?
Always, I mean , fucki ng always,
One more th i ng ,
Oh , is th is about the ad l i b?
Ug h , I can't bel ieve that d i rector sn itched ,
Okay, you tel l h i m--
No, No, it's noth i ng l i ke that,
Then what?
I heard you were at Jen n ifer's earl ier,
How d id you hear--
I'm you r fucki ng agent, It's my job to know where you are,
Th i ng is, there was th is, u h , piece of paper, sort of l i ke
a scrol l ,
Yeah , we were j ust about to take it to the pol ice,
David , it was crazy,
There was th is babe i n a toga tryi ng to ki l l me,
Jen n ifer's place was bom bed ,
They're cal l i ng it a gas leak,
A gas leak? No, Dave,
Jen n ifer's m issi ng , She cou ld be kid napped , h u rt,
The scrol l th i ng's probably the on ly lead we have to fi nd i ng her,
so I'm goi ng to the pol ice and--
Joh n ny, you don't need to worry about Jen n ifer,
She's fi ne,
What I need you to worry about is g ivi ng me the scrol l ,
Okay?
What's goi ng on?
Why do you want the scrol l so m uch?
Okay, I was goi ng to wait on th is, but I belong to a cl u b,
Real prestig ious sh it,
Li ke the Academy?
Eh , less ass-kissy,
Th is cl u b has its fi ngers everywhere i n th is town ,
You become part of th is cl u b, you'l l always have work
and you'l l be the su perstar you always wanted to be,
Sou nds g reat, What's the catch?
No catch , We, , , I want you to be part of it,
We're goi ng to have a whole i nd uction ceremony
at the Mag ical Mansion ton ig ht,
and al l you need to do is show u p,
with those expensive veneers and ,,,
g ive me the scrol l ,
What about Ninja Mime ?
You told me, and I q uote,
"Th is movie wi l l make you fucki ng A-l ist, "
Are you fucki ng deaf?
Stop th i n ki ng about Ninja fucki ng Mime
and start th i n ki ng about the Big Man's movie,
Th i n k about tig hts and fucki ng capes,
I told you , Ninja Mime is al ready done,
And if you don't g ive me that scrol l rig ht fucki ng now,
so are you ,
What did he say?
What d id you say?
You heard me,
I made you ,
Without me, you'd sti l l be worki ng at fucki ng Blockbuster,
yel l i ng at customers about late fees,
Now, q u it bei ng a big baby
and g ive me that fucki ng scrol l !
If I was a well-adjusted man, someone who wasn 't picked on as a kid,
who didn 't have a distinct problem with authority
and didn 't hate, hate bullies,
I probably would've handled the next bit better,
You made me?
Listen , asshole, You don't do sh it for me,
Sitti ng on you r ass wh i le I'm out there getti ng th rown th roug h wi ndows,
paparazzi chasi ng me i nto the joh n ,
Ninja Mime is my best work, and you better pray it does wel l ,
Because that's the last cent you're ever gon na get from me,
You're fi red !
I was hopi ng to do th is the easy way,
G ive me the fucki ng scrol l !
Su re, Here,
Spi n kick ! I cal l out my own moves,
I don't need a g u n to take care of a bitch l i ke you ,
Some more of th is,
Ponytai ls are d u m b,
And the award goes to, , , you r face !
You don't know what you're doi ng ,
What the hel l?
We fucki ng ru n th is town , and you're as good as dead ,
Ya hear me? Dead !
Yeah? Wel l , you're total ly not worth 1 0% ,
Oh , oh , is, , ,
Is he, , , Is he, , ,
Is he dead?
I'm su re he's fi ne,
See? He's fi ne, Ch uck, get the car,
Where is Kia?
She was ki l led , By a mem ber of the Wh ite Lotus,
What of the scrol l and the chosen one?
Gone,
Then I'l l leave it u p to you to fi nd h i m ,
Jataaka,
Retrieve the map and the chosen one,
For the Shadow,
So?
I g uess "protect and serve" doesn't apply
to celebrities on the verge of success,
Someth i ng wei rd is goi ng on , Ch uck,
We're gon na have to fig u re th is out ou rselves,
Okay, What, , , What do we do next?
" Party l i ke it's 1 999 , "
It's a song , by, , , Forget it,
Magical Mansion, Invite-only, I've never been because, well,,,
,,,after the SWA T incident with the birthday magician,
I was kind of blackballed by every so-called magician in town,
Forever,
Are you sure it's okay we 're using the sound van ?
Sou nd department loves me,
I'm su re they're fi ne with hel pi ng out the star of Ninja Mime,
How goes it on the scrol l front?
-It goes, -Hurry, I'm about to head in,
If something goes wrong, call the army,
Or better yet, call the actor's union,
They're way tougher,
Name?
Cage, Joh n ny Cage,
U m , , , I'm sorry, You aren't on the l ist,
But, I mean , I shou ld be, Rig ht?
Si r, the Mag ical Mansion is a mem bers-on ly establ ish ment,
U n less you're a mem ber or here as a g uest,
wh ich accord i ng to my notes, you wi l l never be,
I'm gon na have to ask you to leave,
Oh , come on , It was an honest m istake,
Wait, He's a g uest of m i ne,
I've been around a lot of beautiful women,
She might take the cake,
Her legs were as long and curvy as Mulholland Drive,
And probablyjust as dangerous,
My cousin was killed up there,
Where have you been my enti re l ife?
Getti ng ready for you , darl i ng ,
Shal l we?
Don't we make a fetch i ng cou ple?
After you ,
So, Mr, Cage, what bri ngs you to ou r l ittle cl u b?
My agent told me I shou ld come check it out,
Said he wanted me to joi n ,
And who is you r agent?
Shit, Walked right into that,
U h , h is name is Dom i n ic Boon ,
U h , do you know h i m?
No, I'm not fam i l iar,
And Johnny Cage with the save!
But if you wou ld l i ke to be a mem ber,
then you deserve, , , a private tou r,
Anyth i ng you'd l i ke to do i n private sou nds good to me,
Please, lead the way,
So cool ,
Johnny? You're breaking up,
U h , is th is a basement?
Are we rig ht u nderneath the mansion?
Why, if anyth i ng happened down here, how wou ld the pol ice know where to look?
They wou ld n't,
Part of the mem bersh i p g rants you access to the old su bway tu n nels
that used to crisscross Los Angeles,
Johnny, I'm,,,
I'm trying to figure out where you are,
You're breaki ng u p,
I can't, , , I can't hear anyth i ng ,
So, about th is i n itiation ,
I don't have to, you know, , ,
,,, do someth i ng wei rd , do I?
Defi ne "wei rd , "
I don't know, Dri n k h u man blood?
No,
You don't have to d ri n k blood ,
But you do need a mem ber to stand u p for you ,
Wh ich I'd be happy to do,
I wonder if she 'd be willing to lay down for me too,
Chica-bow-wicca-bow wicca-bow-bow,
Sorry, I even do the porn music in my voice-overs,
Come, We aren't far,
Are you scared , Mr, Cage?
Pfft! No, Joh n ny Cage doesn't get scared ,
I peed myself,
But you know, I'm not a big fan of the dark or bei ng u nderg rou nd ,
What if there's an earthq uake?
Maybe, , , maybe we shou ld j ust head back u pstai rs, What do you say?
You don't know what g lories await you a l ittle fu rther ahead ,
Wel l , sh it, That's not fai r,
Hyah !
-You ! -You !
Me,
You need to stop h itti ng people,
What the fuck !
Come on ,
What was that? I mean , she was hot, but energy beams?
What the hel l is goi ng on?
Her name is Jataaka,
One of th ree assassi ns from the Brotherhood of Shadow,
They are i ntent on raisi ng thei r god i n order to destroy the world ,
Yeah , g reat, Everyth i ng you j ust said doesn't make sense,
i ncl ud i ng the part about a woman i n someth i ng cal led the Brotherhood ,
Th is is al l a bit m uch ,
I was j ust looki ng for my co-star, okay?
Whatever wei rd sci-fi th i ng you g uys got goi ng on down here
has noth i ng to do with me,
Ag reed ,
But as long as you have the scrol l , Joh n ny Cage--
Oh , you're a fan ,
Where is the scrol l?
Oh , U h , Ch uck has it,
Then we m ust get to th is Ch uck,
So once you get the scrol l , they'l l leave me alone, rig ht?
What other pu rpose wou ld they have for you?
- Ch uck, you there? - Johnny!
I j ust cal led the u n ion , but they said someth i ng about d ues owed
and that they can't hel p you because you're late--
Yeah , yeah , yeah , Okay, Never m i nd , I'm at the N O H O sig n ,
I need you to come get me as q u ick as possi ble,
You wi l l be pu n ished for you r betrayal , Ash rah ,
- Enoug h ! - Oh , sh it!
Ash rah has decided her fate,
But you , Joh n ny, you are special ,
We need you for the Brotherhood ,
Joi n us and al l you r d reams wi l l come true,
Oh , no, th is cl u b sou nds g reat, Where do I sig n?
Fuck you !
Two years on the job, and he's never been late,
You okay?
Wel l , I j ust fou nd out an evi l cu lt is tryi ng to raise a god i n Los Angeles,
So al l th i ngs considered , I'm al l rig ht,
Oh , h i , My name is--
No ti me for names, Ch uck,
Tel l me you've translated the scrol l ,
Most of it,
On one side is a map,
-To what? -Los Angeles,
Th is is the stad i u m , the Tar Pits, Observatory,
And if you con nect the dots, it's,,,
So, th is enti re city is ru n by Satan ists?
Oh , makes sense,
Not Satan ists,
Disci ples of Sh i n nok,
Sh i n nok?
Qu ite a name, Let me g uess, The mad god you were tal ki ng about?
Yes, He is the ru ler of Netherreal m ,
and cal ls for the destruction of al l th i ngs,
Wel l , sou nds pretty Satan-y to me,
There, What's i n the center?
That's Dan's world-famous Oriental Theater,
Oh , yes, Dan's world-famous Oriental Theater,
Everybody knows that, but I don't get it,
What do they want with the theater?
I mean , th is Sh i n nok,
is he looki ng to put h is horn pri nts i n cement?
That's where they wi l l open the gate to Netherreal m ,
She's rig ht,
The G reek on the back, okay, it's actual ly a spel l ,
It says that i n order to open the gate,
they need what they cal l , , , "special" blood ,
Or, , , the blood of a god ,
Is that why Jen n ifer is m issi ng?
I mean , she's good , but, wel l , I wou ld n't cal l her a god ,
No matter,
As long as we have the spel l , she is safe,
We m ust retreat to ou r tem ple and fend off any attack to--
Retreat? Lady, I'm American , I don't even know the word ,
I mean , I know it, but you know, , , You know what I'm tryi ng to say,
Whoa !
- Ew! - Ah h h !
-Did you see that? -Yes !
She j ust j u m ped out and I spi n-kicked her head off,
I know,
Oh , man , my therapy bi l l
is gon na be th roug h the roof,
-You okay, Ch uck? -Th is violence is out of control ,
Tel l me about it,
What are you doi ng?
Bu rn i ng the paper, No spel l , no Armageddon ,
And if there's no chance of Armageddon , they'l l let Jen n ifer go,
And we wi l l be back on set before cal l ti me,
Jen n ifer?
H i , Joh n ny,
Looks l i ke you fou nd me,
Wel l , not the fi rst ti me I've woken u p l i ke th is,
Merry Ch ristmas, sleepyhead ,
It's about ti me you woke u p,
Jen n ifer? Jen n ifer! We gotta get the fuck out of here,
These crazy cu ltists want to sacrifice you
for some demon th i ng ,
H u rry, u ntie me before they get back, so--
Oh , Joh n ny, Why wou ld we do that?
Because I've got you
rig ht where I've wanted you the enti re ti me,
Come agai n?
You sti l l don't get it, do you?
I'm starti ng to, You're bat-sh it crazy,
Maybe,
But they say that about my god ,
So, I'm i n good com pany,
Jen n ifer, come on ,
You can't be th rowi ng you r career away on some cu lt,
Th is cu lt is why I have a career,
The Brotherhood sent us here years ago,
but me and some others were lost,
Cut off from ou r real m ,
We've searched for decades for a way back,
But then , we fou nd the scrol l and it showed us
how to bri ng ou r god here, to Earth real m ,
We scou red the Earth for the elements,
A Holy Kriss, a sacred chal ice,,,
, , , and the blood of someone special ,
You , Joh n ny Cage, have the blood of gods,
You're the one we've waited for,
You're the key to open i ng a portal for my ki ng ,
Wel l , I'm flattered , Jen n ifer, but I--
No,
No need to cal l me by that name anymore,
Please, cal l me Sareena,
The on ly th i ng I'm gon na cal l you is a fucki ng l u natic,
Why don't you let me go? Now!
We weren't su re you were the one at fi rst,
It seemed i m possi ble that someone so stu pid
cou ld be so critical to ou r m ission ,
It's been fu n , watch i ng you bl i nd ly do what we wanted ,
From David taki ng you on as a cl ient to bei ng my co-star on Ninja Mime,
Even when Brian tricked you i nto goi ng to my house,
Brian is i n on it too?
Fuck Brian ,
Everyone is,
Soon , ou r god wi l l arrive, and we wi l l ru le by h is side,
And al l it costs is a cou ple of h u man sacrifices here and there?
Consider you rself l ucky to be part of the com i ng of Sh i n nok,
Oh , yeah , real l ucky,
Come on , Jen n ifer, Don't do th is !
Do th is?
It's al ready done,
Where are we? Where's Joh n ny?
That hack?
He's about to have another starri ng role,
H is last, i n fact,
Tel l me where you r master is,
I'm su re Sh i n nok wou ld l i ke a word with h i m
when he arrives i n Earth real m ,
Stop it!
You're a strong one,
But what about h i m?
Leave h i m alone, He is on ly a boy,
There was a ti me i n wh ich you wou ld have eaten th is boy l i m b from l i m b,
Hasn't she told you?
That th i ng you th i n k is h u man is a demon from Netherreal m ,
A demon j ust l i ke me,
I am noth i ng l i ke you ,
She pretends,
On a q uest to fi nd redem ption ,
wh ich is you r weakness,
You can't stand the sufferi ng of the i n nocent,
It's why I became a d i rector,
Now, Ash rah , Tel l me, where is Raiden?
You th i n k you can i nti m idate me?
I'm an assistant, I get tortu red for money!
What wou ld Joh n ny Cage do?
Is he dead?
Yes,
Aw, man , Ninja Mime is total ly not happen i ng now he's, , , Geez,
Ah h h !
I am i m pressed , You have a warrior's heart,
Mr, Cage always told me,
if I get i n a sticky situation , to th i n k about what he wou ld do,
But si nce I d id n't have ti me to exfol iate,
I thoug ht that was the next best th i ng ,
I don't know what you're sayi ng , but I do know he is you r hero,
So, Ch uck Golden , let's save you r hero before he d ies,
Yeah , U h , but, , , Is it true what he said?
You're not h u man?
No, I am not, But I'm worki ng on it,
Brothers, sisters,
It is ti me that we g ive back to ou r god
for that wh ich he has g iven to us,
We, the privi leged , the wealthy, the beautifu l ,
Al l g iven to us so that we may l ive i n th is moment,
So that we can bri ng about h is power on Earth ,
Bri ng i n the chosen one,
Get you r hands off me,
Th is is bu l lsh it, I don't care who you are,
When I get out of here, I'm gon na sue the pants off you ,
They're not weari ng pants, The robes, the stu pid robes, I mean ,
Shadam , Shanee, Sh i n nok,
Oh , look ! The th ree not-so-wise ones,
Gag h i m ,
Sh i n nok,
Shadam ,
- Screw you ! - The spel l's not worki ng ,
I can tel l how old you are,
Sh i n nok, Shadam ,
So, what do we do?
I wi l l get closer to try to free Joh n ny,
You m ust provide a d istraction ,
A d istraction?
What, , , what type of d istraction? I ,,,
Remem ber,,,
What wou ld Joh n ny Cage do?
With th is cut, let the blood flow
that wi l l open a gateway for ou r god !
Fuck you !
Please make it stop !
Sh i n nok, Shadam , Shanee,
Sh i n nok,
Shadam ,
Shanee,
It's worki ng ,
It's worki ng !
Shanee ! Sh i n nok !
Don't worry, Joh n ny,
You'l l always be i m mortal ,,,
i n the movies,
Hey!
Who dares?
Ch uck?
My name is Ch uck Golden ,
and I'm the best dam n assistant i n town ,
Ow!
Oh , fuck,
Sorry, Mr, Cage,
Yes, Sorry, Mr, Cage,
No one is com i ng to save you now,
I wou ld n't say that,
What?
I said , I wou ld n't say that,
What are you sayi ng?
I said , "Go fuck you rself, "
Oh , come on !
It's too late, sister,
The Gateway is open i ng ,
Sister?
You're tel l i ng me you're a,,,
A demon , yes,
Oh , that's hot,
No ! No, no, no, No, no, no,
Sareena,
I thoug ht you were lost to us,
I was,
But now, I am fou nd ,
I ndeed ,
Where have you broug ht me, my ch i ld?
The jewel of al l places,
Earth real m , my Majesty,
Earth real m ,
I have longed to feast on the bones of its den izens,
You have done wel l , my ch i ld ,
And for that, you wi l l be rewarded ,
It's over,
He's won ,
He hasn't won sh it, not yet,
He is a god , and we are--
Earth's best chance of su rvival ,
Listen , Ash rah ,
That g uy is j ust another i n a long l i ne of bu l l ies,
and the m i n ute you push back agai nst a bu l ly,,,
They fold l i ke a h ideaway bed ,
Always,
You wan na be h u man?
Wel l , never g ivi ng u p is part of ou r D NA, okay?
That and male-pattern bald ness, Than k God I d id n't get that,
Now th i n k,
There has to be some way to get rid of th is g uy,
I don't know,
I m ig ht,
If we can get h i m back to the rift,
and I can say the spel l ,
it shou ld close, trappi ng h i m wherever that leads,
Nah , that's a stu pid idea,
I'm kidd i ng , That's terrific,
Okay, Ash rah , can you get the scrol l?
Yes, And what about you?
I'm gon na do what action stars always do,
Get a h uge trai ler and save the day,
Earth real m ,
Fi nal ly,
I have come to mete out you r destruction ,
Bow before me,
Celebrate my arrival ,
Hey, even wh iter David Bowie !
There's on ly one god we're celebrati ng today,
and it su re as hel l ai n't you ,
Oh, shit,
- What happened? - You al l rig ht, buddy?
People of Earth real m ,
I , Sh i n nok, you r new god , am here,,,
to destroy you ,
Sorry about that,
I don't m i nd ,
Neither do I ,
Al l rig ht, ug ly,
Ti me to show you how roug h th is town can get,
Hey, man , I th i n k that j ust pissed it off,
Oh , ya th i n k?
Ch uck !
The scrol l !
G ive me the scrol l , boy,
I'll admit, it is not looking great for the N i nja Mi me sequel,
Oh , I feel l i ke you look,
But, hey, at least we're al ive, rig ht?
Don't answer that,
What was that?
Come on , Ch uck, Come out,
Joi n us,
I know you real ly j ust wan na be a star l i ke Joh n ny,
I can make that happen , J ust g ive me the scrol l ,
I l ied ,
I'm gon na ki l l you ,
Slowly,
Now, g ive me the scrol l ,
Su re,
Ah ! I have it,
H u h?
You r q uest to become h u man has made you weak,
There is noth i ng you can do to defeat me,
I wou ld n't say "noth i ng , "
You cal l them weak because they d ream , They care,
They never g ive u p,
That is not weakness, sister,
That is thei r strength , My strength ,
Come, let me show you ,
U n l i ke you , I am at home i n my form ,
I do not need to d isg u ise myself any fu rther!
You r feeble attem pt to stop me is am usi ng ,
But I m ust be about the end of the world ,
Come, demons,
Come and eat you r fi l l ,
Good bye, Sister,
Ash rah !
Good bye,
Than k you , Ch uck, Now we m ust go hel p Joh n ny,
We m ig ht have bigger problems than that,
Mr, , , Mr, Cage? Mr, Cage !
Mr, Cage, you have to get u p,
Th is is the part of the movie where you make you r comeback,
He thinks I'm something I'm not,
Some sort of hero,
rather than a guy who can kick high, hit his mark and,,,
look spectacular all the time,
Well, kid, you're out of luck,
Johnny Cage isn 't a hero,
He 's nobody, , , special,
You're special , Joh n ny,
You are special ,
You're a special g uy, Joh n ny,
"Special" blood ,
The blood of gods,
They're right, They were all right,
I am special,
And I'm gonna do what I've always done,
Shove my special foot down this bully's throat,
I'm the last man standing,,,
Hey, pal !
Th is is the city of angels, No devi ls al lowed ,
It's a wonder that I'm still alive
I'm a survivor,,,
Come on , man , Is that al l you got?
I'm a survivor
Wel l , look at that,
Even demons have bal ls,
Fuck h i m u p, Joh n ny!
Challenge before me, yeah
Joh n ny! Joh n ny!
Joh n ny, Joh n ny, Joh n ny!
Am I getting a slow clap?
I'm getting a slow clap,
Joh n ny! Joh n ny!
Kick h is ass, Cage !
Joh n ny! Joh n ny!
Yeah !
I m possi ble,
Get h i m , Joh n ny!
Yeah !
Eat it!
You fool ! You may have power,
but I am a god ,
There ! No, there !
They're com i ng out too fast!
I wi l l enjoy eati ng you r bones,
Hey! Leave h i m alone,
- Yeah , - Come on , leave h i m alone,
Any last words, Earth real mer?
Yeah , if I m ig ht,
G ravity's a bitch ,
Ch uck, now!
Close th is door, forevermore !
Better safe than sorry,
Ch uck, you d id it,
You're the best dam n assistant there is,
No, We d id it, Mr, Cage,
A cord of many strands is not easi ly broken ,
Wel l , wou ld you look at that?
You got you r wh ite Ch ristmas after al l , Ch uck,
And you , , , You were i ncred i ble,
As were you , Joh n ny Cage,
You have shown me what it tru ly means to be h u man ,
If I had not made my vows, I wou ld take you as a mate,
Wel l , we can work on that later,
But for now,,,
You know what?
When you save the world from a dark god,
you don 't have to kiss the kick-ass demon fighter,
But for me, , , I kind of do,
Chuck followed in my footsteps,
He took the "what would Johnny Cage do " to the extreme
and signed up for some martial arts lessons at a strip mall,
This wasn 't a good one,
Eventually, he put on this funny suit with all these glowing balls
and became my double on a bunch of video games,
He called himself "Mokap,"
Didn 't make any sense to me,
And the games, well, they were banned due to excessive violence,
- Come here, - Toasty!
Ashrah took off,
She said she had to continue her quest to become holy,
Being by my side made that a little harder,
Can 't say I blame her,
I can hardly control myself around me,
And me ?
Well, we made N i nja Mi me and a sequel,
And another one after that,
In fact, my career was going pretty great there for a while,
But with every hill, there 's always a valley,
That's life,
The biggest bully of all,
Oh , Joh n ny Cage, Joh n ny Cage, Where are you headed?
Off to shoot a new fi l m on some remote island ,
Beautifu l scenery, beautifu l babes,
I have a good feel i ng about th is one,
Is th is you r comeback?
Comeback?
Lady,,,
I've never left,
I'm the last man standing
Walking through the night
Basking in the power and glory
Competitors bested
Challenges met
It's a wonder that I'm still alive
I'm a survivor
When it's down to the wire
I'm a survivor
Believe it when I tell you
I am but a man
Rising to the challenge before me, yeah
No chance of stopping
Get out of my way
Throwing all my fears aside
I'm a survivor
Yeah, my will is on fire
I'm a survivor
My will is on fire
I'm a survivor
You fuel my desire
And I'm a survivor
Yeah, my will is on fire
I'm a survivor
When it's down to the wire
I'm a survivor