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[man] Before Mats passed away,
he left behind his password for us,
I think this was deliberate,
It was obviously something he had hoped we would find,
- [mouse clicking] - [contemplative music playing]
[man] Because behind that password
was a world we knew absolutely nothing about,
[intriguing music playing]
[Ibelin] I've cracked a few cases in my time,
[joyful laughter]
Ibelin Redmoore, private investigator, at your service,
Sometimes you have to jump in no matter how scary it might seem,
[dragon roaring faintly]
[player 1] Help us! Come on, please!
[player 2] Are you going to stand there all day?
[intriguing music continues]
[music building]
[music stops]
[whimsical music playing]
[sighs heavily]
Robert Steen, I love you,
[Robert] I love you more,
[dog barking]
[softly] Hi, should we carry you inside? Yeah?
[whimsical music continues]
- [baby cooing] - [Robert] Ready for a new nappy?
[woman] Does this zoom in, Robert?
[grandma] Oh!
[Robert] Lovely,
[woman] Do you wanna touch him?
[baby chattering]
[film whirring]
[Robert] Let's have a look,
Maybe we should move this just a little,
[Trude chuckling]
We were young parents and Mats was our firstborn,
He was the most beautiful and most fantastic boy ever born,
We noticed that Mats developed slower than other children at his age,
He stumbled more and he struggled to get up,
We were eventually told
that he was born with a rare muscle disease called Duchenne,
Only boys can get this disease and mothers are the carriers,
And there is no cure for it,
[crying]
[indistinct chatter on video]
- [Trude] We need to hurry up, - [Robert] Not the stairs,
[Trude] Yes,
[Robert] First day at school,
[Trude] It's very painful to see your child get worse and worse,
He was born without any symptoms, and everything was intact,
Then slowly but surely, you're deprived of one thing after another,
We have Mats!
Here he is,
Come on!
[children clamoring]
[laughing]
- [Robert] Yes! - [all cheering and clapping]
[chatter on video]
- Arms in the air, - [all cheering]
[Trude] I remember every time we had to ask for a new aid,
I thought, "Oh, he's here now,"
That was absolutely awful,
Mm,
[exhales]
[kids laughing and chattering]
[Trude] All your dreams vanish, It all goes black,
Then you make new dreams,
We just had to try to make every day we had with Mats a nice day,
- [Robert] Good swim? - [Mats] Yes,
[Robert] Thumbs up!
Hi,
- [Trude] Are you okay? - Yes,
[Trude and Robert] ♪ Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you ♪
[Trude] Hi, Mats!
Happy birthday!
What do you think it is?
[Mats] I know,
Yeah,
[Robert] We agreed to let Mats play a lot,
because of all the other things he missed out on,
As he gradually became more dependent on his wheelchair,
his gaming time and screen time increased dramatically,
He would play when the rest of us were having breakfast,
He would bring the games to school, and he would play at home,
When he had been gaming a lot, we could see it clearly,
He became tired and he lost his appetite,
He wasn't so bubbly and happy as he used to be,
[Mia] We spoke a lot about Mats spending too much time on the computer,
I tried to convince him several times to go outside more,
and do other stuff,
[dog barking]
[Mats] There we go,
Mia's in the shot,
Let's drive off,
See if he'll find the ball,
[Mia] Our parents would often take us on trips with other families
that were friends of ours,
It was fine at first, but after a while we could see that it was getting harder,
[Robert] I remember the day we were going to a concert,
and Mats suddenly decided that he didn't want to join us,
We had all been looking forward to this concert for a long time,
so I tried to convince him to come,
But Mats was determined,
He wanted to spend the evening gaming,
- Hi, - [Trude] Where are we going, Erlend?
To a concert,
- [Trude] Excited? - I am,
Yes,
- Papa? - [Robert] Yes?
[Mia] He lost touch with his friends,
I can't remember if he had any friends from his high school at all,
It's really difficult to just live your life,
and enjoy all the opportunities you have,,,
when one of the people you love the most
gets fewer and fewer opportunities in life, [crying]
[Robert] It's midnight,
Sleep well,
[Mats] Thanks, Last test,
It's getting exciting,
[Robert exclaiming]
I'm closing it,
[computer chiming]
[Robert] When Mats finished high school, he moved out,
And he loved it,
Even though he only moved to the first floor of our house,
he enjoyed his independence,
One of the first things he did was to hang up a picture he loved,
He also started writing a blog,
He had special equipment made for him,
[Mats] I can go backwards while I do that, see?
Bang, you can hop to the side, And then keep shooting,
[Robert] Right,
[Mats] What the makers of this game do is amazing,
They're creating a whole digital world,
[Robert] I see,
[Robert] Mats told us that he was gaming with other people,
But we thought that these people didn't know Mats
because they never met physically, and they never talked,
[tape whirring]
[Robert] And during his last ten years,
he probably spent 20,000 hours in this gaming world,
[somber music playing]
[Robert] His world seemed so limited,
If you're gaming 12 hours a day, you don't have time for anything else,
You don't have time to meet your friends,
Our deepest sorrow lay in the fact
that he would never experience friendships, love,
or to make a difference in other people's lives,
[somber music continues]
[Trude] The last video recording of Mats was filmed during his uncle's wedding,
[crowd clapping]
[somber music continues]
[whirring stops]
[Trude] He just fell asleep, and then he was gone,
And it was over,
[birds chirping]
[Trude] You can never fully prepare for losing a child,
[sniffling]
[exhales deeply]
He and I struggled and fought together,
and I think I often felt that it was my fault that he was born this way,
We had a bond that was so strong,
And I lived and breathed for that boy,
It was like time stood still over the next few days,
[sniffling] We just sat on the sofa and cried
while people came and went,
It was just so strange,
[crying] Walking past his apartment with his things,,,
Seeing the wheelchair without him in it,,,
It was strange,
Yeah,
So there we were, Robert, and Mia, and I,
sitting on top of each other on the sofa for what felt like at least 24 hours,
We couldn't sleep, so everything just became a blur,
Once we'd gathered our thoughts a little,
we started to think, "Oh my God, we have to tell people online,"
They have to know that he won't be logging on anymore,
And then we thought, "Well, how do we do that?"
And Robert suddenly remembered he had the password to Mats' blog,
We thought it may not have a wide reach,
but we could try to do it through that anyway,
And then he sat down, and together, we wrote that message,
And then we just sent it "out in space,"
We didn't know if anyone would see it at all,
[pensive music playing]
[chiming]
[Trude] Then we got one email after another,
We were so confused,
What is this?
Who are all these people?
Are they completely crazy or what?
[chiming continues]
Many people wrote a lot,
It was out of control,
[man 1] Dear Robert, Trude, and Mia,,,
Mats was a real friend to me,
He was an incurable romantic,
and had considerable success with women,
[woman 1] He would always throw, like, a comment to lighten the mood,
[man 2] If you told him you were going to see a movie,
he would remember that you saw that movie later,
[woman 2] He would listen, and then, like,,,
I'm remembering, back then, that he was there for me,
and I could also talk to him about the stupid things,
[man 3] And I feel almost like he was part of the family,
[man 2] You always knew that when he told you something, he meant it,
[inspiring music playing]
[woman 1] And I don't think he was aware
of how big an impact he had done to a lot of people,
[inspiring music continues]
- [tape whirring] - [rousing music playing]
[rousing music building]
[music stops]
[Mats] I was born in 1989,
just in time to avoid most of the '80s,
[synthwave music playing]
[Mats] Well, there was some sweet music from that decade,
but the fashion and the style was terrible,
Shoulder pads, strange hairdos,
and those dreaded pastel colors,
I know some like this style for reasons that are beyond me,
It was the year the Berlin Wall crumbled,
Not that I recall anything about that,
I like that thought,
As if the wall had to come down because I would be born,
[synthwave music continues]
[Mats] I had just got my first real electrical wheelchair,
With four large tires, it was built for almost all terrain,
Quite impressive, huh?
It was called The Exterior,
and we had many adventures together,
That chair was so cool that when I drove through the school yard,
a younger kid would roll up next to me on his tricycle,
look up at me with big eyes and ask,
"Do you want to trade?"
Sure, I'll gladly trade you my chair,
It comes with a muscular condition,
Then I'd happily roll away on my brand new tricycle into the sunset,
[music fades]
I was sent to summer camp with other handicapped kids,
I hated the entire idea,
- [crane clanking] - [kids whooping]
[Mats] The biggest issue I had with the camp
was the trip to an amusement park,
Parading in there like some kind of freak show,
It was like some twisted, handicap version of Prison Break,
I started thinking of ways I could escape,
The other people would stare,
They always talked in big, easy words,
[slowly] "Hello, Do you like the park?"
Yeah, I'm not deaf or mentally challenged, thank you very much,
I have a lovely apartment and a loving family nearby,
I don't work as I don't need to,
"Lucky bugger," some might think,
I have my own reasons for this,
Suddenly this sounds like a contact ad,
Soon, I'll write about long walks on the beach
and how great I am at listening,
[garbled music playing on radio]
[Mats] No, you can relax,
[music distorts and ends]
[Mats] We won't go there in this entry,
[indistinct chatter and laughter]
[Mats] Luckily, I have found my escape,
It's not a screen,
It's a gateway to wherever your heart desires,
I boot up the computer, music pumping,
And then, I leave this world,
["Faith" by Montée playing]
♪ With nothing to say We're ghosts that occupy a space ♪
♪ Barely here ♪
♪ We're starting to rust The hurt is spilling out of us ♪
♪ Through the tears ♪
♪ This fragile affair Is turning into solitaire ♪
♪ We're full of the air ♪
♪ We need to adjust We're losing every part of us ♪
♪ We disappear ♪
♪ Faith, where have you gone? ♪
♪ Was it me that made it all wrong? ♪
♪ Faith, where have you gone,,, ♪
[Mats] I spend most of my time in a little place called Azeroth,
In there, my chains are broken,
And I can be whoever I want to be,
["Faith" continues playing]
[Mats] I'm Ibelin Redmoore, famed detective and nobleman,
He fights forces of evil,
and makes friends and enemies wherever he goes,
Ibelin is expansions of myself,
- Different parts of me, - [avatars cheering and whooping]
♪ Faith, where have you gone,,, ♪
[Mats] A good thing about virtual beer is that you don't get drunk,
You just pretend you did,
It must sound absurd,
but a fun challenge for a roleplayer,
["Faith" continues playing]
♪ And faith, where have you gone? ♪
- ♪ Lord, give me faith so I can be,,, ♪ - [song fades into background]
[Mats] In real life, I need to keep positive,
fight the hardships, and emerge with a smile on my lips,
There were so many things I had missed out on,
Friends I could have made if I had just forced myself to be more social,
I guess I'll always be a bit shy that way,
In high school, there were parties,
attractive girls,
mopeds, so many things a boy at 17 desired,
but they were all just dreams,
["We Don't Fall Apart" by Alight The Night playing]
[Mats] Things beyond my reach,
Just as I was about to pick up the cutest girl in school
and drive some place romantic,
I was ripped out of my fantasy,
[music stops]
[Mats] Dreams are nice that way,
You can always visit again,
Good thing I'm chained to this wheelchair
or I'd be out giving my mother a heart attack,
thundering down the road on a motorbike of my own,
[chiming]
[Kai Simon] Dear Trude, Robert, and Mia,
I'm a friend of Mats, and I knew him through Ibelin,
I am the leader of Starlight,
the community of friends Ibelin was a member of for eight years,
We meet each other through avatars, and behind each of them is a real person,
[stirring music playing]
[Kai Simon] And together, we roleplay,
The player adapts a role and guides that role through adventures,
trials, and tribulations,
Roleplay at its core is simply playing a role,
We choose what our avatar should say and do,
Since Ibelin was very private, we knew almost nothing about him in real life,
All the communication we had with him were done through text,
And many of these texts were logged and stored while we were gaming,
They were published publicly on our forums,
but they weren't easy to find for most people,
These texts contain gaming dialogue,
character diaries, and forum discussions from our community,
In total, 42,000 pages,
[stirring music continues]
[Kai Simon] So when Mats wrote,
"I'm an emotional man, I often follow my heart,"
we know that he wrote this the 30th of August, 2012,
We know the location and what was said by those with him,
[stirring music continues]
[Kai Simon] Ibelin's feelings and actions are also in the archive,
[rousing music playing]
[inaudible]
[rousing music continues]
[rousing music building]
[music fades]
- [birds chirping] - [indistinct chatter]
[Ibelin] A good game of football,
[Ibelin and man laughing]
- This soup is amazing, - Yeah!
[Ibelin laughs]
[Mats] It was a peaceful, warm evening in Azeroth,
Sitting around the campfire enjoying some drinks and good stories,
[birds chirping]
[Mats] While we were sitting there,
a dark-haired, mysterious beauty comes out of the woods,
I'm not sure how it happened,
but she started teasing and flirting with my character,
And I liked it,
My character just sat there, clueless of what to do next,
She's flirting with you, You should go after her,
Tss, No, no, she is not flirting with me,
[laughs] She's clearly into you,
Hmm,
["Beach House" by Disaster In The Universe playing]
♪ Another club craze ♪
♪ Brings out some weird, vivid sights,,, ♪
[Mats] Eventually, Ibelin got up,
and he followed the mysterious woman,
That's how it began,
♪ So I run till the sea surrounds me ♪
♪ And the palms cover ♪
[giggling]
♪ You're so tempered ♪
♪ That's why I don't know I'm in my mind ♪
♪ I just intended to ♪
- [woman laughing] - [song continues in background]
[Mats] There was something very exciting about her,
Her humor, the way she acted,
I was sold,
- [song fades] - [church bell ringing]
[indistinct chatter]
[woman] ,,,see what they're on about, so I did,
[patrons laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
,,,that can be uprooted with ease,
[Mats] In real life, I was 17 at the time, no idea how to even approach a girl,
I've never been drinking more at any point in my life than I do now,
and even though one mug might not be so bad,
the dumb bartenders keep refilling it,
so at the end of the evening, you can't be sure how much you've had!
- [chuckling] - I really need to find a different,,,
Luckily, pretty much every character in this virtual world looked great,
Many might find this silly,
but at least looks don't matter much anymore,
It's all about personality,
I'm starting up my business again, even got my first client yesterday,
I've cracked a few cases in my time, It's a small agency,
Here,
An old business card,
You should just go out there and spread these around,
Ibelin Redmoore, private investigator, at your service,
[both laughing]
[woman laughs softly]
- [rustling] - [gasps]
[Mats] It was just a virtual kiss,
But, boy, I could almost feel it,
[sweet music playing]
It was the closest thing I've ever been to a crush in my entire life,
[sweet music continues]
[Mats] It was amazing,
- [romantic music playing] - [inaudible]
[gasps] Oh,
[romantic music continues]
[music fades]
[chuckles] You eventually get tired of throwing stones all night,
The world's going crazy, I tell you,
Just need to keep going and stay busy,
All that talk about--
[sighs]
[birds rustle and fly away]
[indistinct chatter]
[somber music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[somber music continues]
[Mats] She just disappeared,
She had to be around somewhere,
Wherever you are, Rumour, you are always with me,
[mournful music playing]
[mournful music continues]
[melancholy music subsides]
[woman] I was walking around in Elwynn Forest near Goldshire,
[Ibelin] This soup is amazing,
[woman] And then I saw two people sitting around a campfire
back at the lake,
[stirring music playing]
[Lisette] And I just thought,
"I've just gotta steal the hat and see what happens,"
There was no real much pre-thought or plotting or planning around it
apart from, "I'm just gonna do it and see what happens,"
[stirring music continues]
[Lisette] We had the whole, "Let's go on a date together,"
and he would give the flowers,
Um,,,
It's a slightly cheesy, but still nice kind of thing,
Every girl always says, "No, I don't really need flowers,"
but we really love it when we still get them,
[music fades]
[Lisette] I never got to see him because he,,,
he didn't want to, like, video call or share his camera,
He was mostly just typing along in the chat,
And then we did ask him to also,
"Just join us in the voice channel and we'll talk together,"
but he refused,
Well, I just sort of pictured him like one of my fellow students,
because he was, you know, around my age,
You know, being in high school, walking through the hallways, um,,,
Those kinds of things, and, like, after school,
I figured he'd to go into the city center with a couple of friends,
visit game stores,
We shared the same interests, we were online every evening,
just talking, roleplaying, just having fun,
- [laughter in background] - [Lisette] I would play into the night,
And at some point, my grades did start to suffer,
There were lots of fights going on between me, my mother, and my dad,
They said, "Your grades are dropping, We don't want you to fail school,"
"It's not good for you to just sit inside, You should be active,"
My mother going, "You should log off now,
or else I will pull the wires out of the router to cut the connection,"
and I was like, "No, no, I just need to play a little bit more,"
"I'll just log off in half an hour,"
Which, of course, I didn't,
And eventually that led up to them taking away my computer,
I tried to tell them, "But now I can't tell my friends that I'm not coming,"
"Can I at least have it back to let them know about that?"
And they said, "They don't need to know, 'cause they're not your real friends,"
"Why do you care about them? You've never met these people,"
"You've never seen them,"
It was very painful,
So I got depressed,
Um,,,
I couldn't really figure out reasons anymore to get out of bed,
"What am I living for?"
Those kind of thoughts,
[unsettling whispering rises, then cuts out]
Eventually, I was sort of like, "Okay, I've been gone a while now,"
"I should find a way to let them at least know what happened,"
then I figured I could go to the library, because there was a computer there,
[chimes]
[Mats] Hey, Lis! Great to hear from you again,
[Lisette] Well, first off, he asked me how I was doing,
I told him, "Okay, I'm coping and holding on,"
[Mats] Would be nice to talk to you again, so I hope to hear from you later today,
If you can't show up, I will understand,
[Lisette] Ibelin was a really, really big support pillar, shall I say,
because it was a friend that I could be open with
about all the things that was going on,
- [chiming] - [Mats] Hello again, Merry Christmas,
[Lisette] I think it's part of the things
that got me out of that depression that I was in,
[chiming]
[Mats] Hey, Lis, So how has your summer been so far?
Thanks for all the talks we had this year,
Here's a little something I wrote today, Hope you like it,
Dear Mr, and Mrs, Roovers,
you might not know me, but I'm a friend of your daughter Lisette,
Me and several other friends are concerned about her,
We heard her computer was taken away from her,
[Lisette] Eventually, he indeed wrote the letter to my parents
asking if they could please return the PC to me
and have a good talk about it,
And he told me to show it to my parents, which I did,
[Mats] I am not sure why you are not allowing her to play these games,
but there has to be some other way to solve this conflict,
Don't keep pushing her away, Just try to come to an agreement,
All I ask of you is that you consider what you are doing,
and you try to come up with a solution everyone can live with,
because this is not the right thing to do,
I think it was just such a weird thing for them to have,
essentially a letter that's written
by someone who's concerned about your daughter,
who lives, like, three countries away,
[Mats] I think she's a great person,
and I consider her one of my close friends,
From a worried friend, Mats Steen, Norway,
[gentle music playing]
[sweet music playing]
[laughs] Yes!
[music fading]
[Lisette] I drew Ibelin holding Rumour close,
It says, "Warning, cuteness alert," and a little smiley,
So I sent the picture to Mats,
[Mats] I was overwhelmed, Truly an amazing gift,
It always brings a smile to my face,
[gentle music playing]
[Mats] In this other world,
a girl wouldn't see a wheelchair or anything different,
They would get my soul, heart, and mind,
conveniently placed in a handsome, strong body,
- [Mia] Mr, Mats, - Yeah,
[Mats] In real life, I've grown weaker,
and can't even eat much of the delicious Christmas dinner like I used to,
- What's that? - [Trude laughing]
[Trude] Sugar and banana,
It's Mia's smoothie,
[Mats] It feels odd to just watch the others eat,
Oh, how I miss those flavors,
You see, I have my own food device
pumping liquid food into me,
[Erlend] It's delicious,
- [door closing] - [school bell ringing]
[Mats] I graduated with flying colors,
I was among the best,
But I have no job to go to, nowhere I should be,
My dream is to be able to work, feel valued, and respected,
["To the Mountains" by Bigbang playing]
♪ You gotta dig ♪
♪ Your body And your head down in the snow ♪
♪ You gotta tie ♪
♪ Your scarf around my pole To let them know,,, ♪
[Xenia] Before I got to know Ibelin, I had seen him around,
Every single day when he logged into the game,
he ran the same route
about half an hour,
♪ We gotta move our fingers And our toes and we'll be fine,,, ♪
[Xenia] And then we started to talk,
He told me he had a job and he worked early hours every day,
Then again, he was always gaming in the early hours every day,
[Reike] So you're not trusting Starlight,,,
[Xenia] He wasn't so keen on sharing what he was doing as work,
I was thinking, "Is there anything wrong?"
But I didn't want to pry,
So I started to share things of my own life with him,
[Xenia] I couldn't really connect really good with my son as I wanted to
because he has autism, and,,,
I felt like a bad mom because I couldn't make my son feel good,
- [rock music playing on headphones] - [Xenia] It was really hard,
[man] I got four years where I couldn't get myself to go out,
I didn't even go to school,
I just stayed home,
I'd lie in bed to just keep everything away from me,
[Xenia] He hated if you touched him,
When I was going to bed, my mum would want a hug from me,
- And I was just like,,, -"No,"
Yeah, "Why?" [laughs]
And I think that was because I didn't have a connection with my mum,
And I tried to explain that to Ibelin,
And then he,,, he went quiet,
And he said, "Well, try and connect with him through gaming,
because you have seen he likes to play,"
And then I was like, "Well, he's got a point,"
[music playing on monitor]
[Mikkel] I do remember I had quite a lot of fun playing,
And I feel almost like he was part of the family,
[Ibelin] But there are solutions to most things,
[Mikkel] I do remember when I learned that I could hug people in-game,
[Xenia] Mikkel, he came in one day,
and he said, "Well, Mum, there's an emote in the game,"
"You can have a hug like that,"
[Mikkel] I was really hoping that my mum would accept that,
[gentle music playing]
[Mikkel] I felt,,, happy,
because I could give what my mum wants,
without feeling uncomfortable,
I told Ibelin, "What have you done?"
[both laughing]
And he was like, "Well, isn't it nice? It's a new way to connect with your son,"
And I was like, "Okay, that's true, but I will still want a hug in real life,"
And he said, "Well, you can work towards that,"
[snickers]
Well, that wasn't nice,
[Mikkel] I didn't think they'd come to life,
- [Xenia] What are you doing? - Falling,
- [Xenia] Still? - [laughing] No, I fell to the ground,
[Xenia] Oh,
It helped a lot,
He could tell me things that he normally couldn't tell me in the game,
- [Reike] But school said it all went okay? - [Nikmik] Yeah,
[Mikkel] It was the first time in my life that I could feel love
and start to understand love,
And that was one of those,,,
the heavens opened up and everything was just,
"Oh! This is what I have been waiting for,"
[Ibelin clears throat] I just have to say,,,
[Mikkel] And then Ibelin told me that,,,
[Ibelin] Sometimes you have to jump in, no matter how scary it might seem,
[Ibelin chuckles softly]
I have a pet,
I call him Wolfie, I really like nature,
[Ibelin] You've accomplished your daily quest,
Five hundred points to you,
Give yourself some credit once in a while,
[Ibelin] There are solutions to most things,
[inspiring music playing]
[Xenia] From that time on,
you went actually to school, each day, you walked to school,
[Mikkel] Yeah, Every day,
We're going to be messing everything up, whilst you guys get to fix it if you can,
I went from the most negative person in the world
to a person that could tolerate people,
Come here,
- Good day? Went okay? - Yeah, fine,
[rousing music playing]
[Xenia] The word about Ibelin started to spread around,
And to be honest, I think the investigator job
was just a way for him to get to know people,
[Ibelin] I hope things will work out,
[Rikke] He was very, very empathic, intuitive,
very good at knowing what you needed,
[Kristian] I'd been feeling worthless for months, afraid to reach out to people,
I didn't really have anyone to talk to,
And suddenly he asked me,,,
[Ibelin] How are you doing?
[Kristian] And I told him everything, I told him how terrible I had felt,
Perhaps it does not seem like much, but it meant the world to me,
[Ibelin] I feel with you,
[Rikke] He actually did take an interest into what you were talking about,
[Kristian] I don't think he ever even realized how much it meant to me,
[gentle music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[Lisette] Everyone in Starlight was real excited to have a meet-up in real life
and see each other for the first time,
I was very excited about it and looking forward to meeting Ibelin,,,
um, and just getting to know him off-screen as well,
and just having those conversations face-to-face for a change
instead of just text,
I actually asked him, "Are you also coming?"
"Because everyone else is coming,"
But he said "no," that, uh, he had, I think, different things to do,
And I was disappointed,
[bittersweet music playing]
[PA dinging]
[flight attendant] Please keep your seatbelts on,
and tray tables up during liftoff,
[Lisette] I got to travel to a country by myself for the first time,
which I thought was fantastic,
[inspiring music playing]
[Lisette laughs] I hadn't seen anyone,
So for me, it was all fresh faces and no one that I recognized,
[inspiring music continues]
[indistinct chatter and laughter]
[Kai Simon] We were sad that Ibelin could not come to Denmark himself,
So I wrote to tell him,
"We have voice chat going on, Do you want to join?"
And the reply I got was "no," he doesn't want to join this voice chat,
So I pulled out my camera and started taking pictures
so we could share that with Ibelin,
[indistinct chatter]
[all vocalizing]
- [man on video] Hey, y'all! - [all laughing]
[Mats] Love has always been a tricky subject for me,
It feels like it's just not meant for me,
And she did live in another country,
so part of me knew nothing would ever happen,
Wheelchairs and all that tend to make things difficult,
These dark thoughts just tried to drag me down,
Making excuses,
Online, I can at least do all the things I want,
[upbeat fiddle music playing]
My name is Ibelin,
Ibelin Redmoore,
I'm staying at The Poison Tip Dagger at the moment,
You wouldn't believe how good it feels to jump from one rooftop to another,
Well, things could quickly take a bad turn,
[both laughing]
That is awesome,
[conversation continues indistinctly]
[upbeat music continues in background]
[Lisette] I was walking around in Stormwind,
and then I noticed that Ibelin was nearby,
[upbeat music continues]
[music fades]
[dramatic music rises and falls]
[sighs]
It was pretty devastating,
because I think I felt betrayed that he just hadn't told me beforehand,
You know, I figure out when I just come back into the game, um,,,
so I was very upset,
[somber music playing]
He didn't also quite understand why I was upset with him for this,
[Ibelin] I lost the spark, I felt I was choking,
Right now, I feel better off on my own,
Unchained,
I'm not good at commitment,
I can't explain why, I just,,,
I just shake things off and move along,
like I've always done,
[somber music continues]
[Mats] In World of Warcraft, I've flirted and been with several women,
but it can never be the same,
I never told her about my feelings,
I remember thinking,
"If only I wasn't handicapped,"
It was always my excuse,
[somber music continues]
[Mats] Why was I born with this condition?
My body is starting to feel more and more like a prison holding me back,
Using a computer has become more difficult the last few years,
There's always one button I can't reach,
[dragon roaring]
[Ibelin groans]
[Mats] Of course, this button has to be used at some point,
- [dragon roaring] - [players groaning]
[player] Help us!
Come on, please!
Are you going to stand there all day?
[panting] What is wrong with you?
You are worthless!
[indistinct chatter]
[Erica] I'm Erica, by the way,
Thinks she'd be all safe up there, No idea why someone would,,,
Agility is very important for a rogue,
[player] Damn, what is wrong with you?
[player] Ibelin, are you stupid?
I was never a big fan of him,
He's another firecracker with a nasty temper,
[both chuckling]
I don't trust the bastard a second,
[Mats] It's a challenge, holding my tongue,
He's an old criminal, old suspect,
I haven't met a more arrogant person in my life,
[Mats] I never set out to be that guy, yet here I am,
[bittersweet music playing]
Ibelin, you need to leave it and calm down,
You'll get in trouble if you continue on talking like this,
Your words start to hurt other people, You need to stop,
[Reike] ,,,trying to be a leader of those who was there,
At least to fight for Starlight,,,
- [dark music playing] - [Reike's voice fades into background]
- [dark music continues] - [inaudible]
It's not fair!
Her anger, resentment, She told me to fuck off a couple of times!
You lack much of the humanity
and compassion a good leader must also have,
Maybe you get the job done, but at what price?
I can't stand this anymore,
[Xenia] I felt hurt by it,
And I told him, "Well, you actually hurt me,"
"You don't care about Starlight?"
And he said, "Well, it's just stupid rules in a stupid guild in a stupid game,"
"I don't want to play this stupid thing anymore,"
And then he actually logged off that night,
And I was like, "Oh, my God,"
[Xenia] And I didn't talk to him for a year,
His relationship drama came to the point where it became a stressor,
He didn't have the proper means to tackle it and navigate it well,
And it started to influence
which events he would go to, which events the other would go to,
how people spoke about each other,
And people started taking sides,
[Kai Simon] Other members in the guild started to take a distance away from him,
They didn't want the risk of being involved in these conflicts,
[woman] And it pisses me off to spend 20 minutes,,,
[Kai Simon] And you also had people who were coming to us and saying,
"Hey, this is the third time he's created a fight,"
So I needed to talk to Ibelin,
[dog grunts softly]
So I wrote to Ibelin one day and asked, "Would it be okay if I just came over?"
We're both living in Oslo, it would just be a short bus drive,
And the reply I got was very, very sharp,
No, he don't want to have a visitor over,
[sighs]
[Mats] Sometimes I think I can't breathe,
[man] Can you hold this button?
[Mats] Luckily, there's always an assistant nearby
to soothe me when this happens,
I have 11 of them working full-time with me,
- [machine beeps] - [rasping breathing]
[Mats] One day, my chest was making awful wheezing noises,
[rasping continues]
[Mats] I had never experienced anything like this,
- [machine beeping] - [rasping continues]
[Mats] I couldn't breathe, and I started thrashing about in panic,
[machine beeping]
[rasping breathing]
[Mats] I remembered my mother's cries of panic as I passed out
before I got to the ambulance,
[machine beeping]
[rasping fades]
[Mats] For some reason, everything was white and cold,,,
like the mountains of the Himalayas,
It might have been my mind playing tricks on me,
but that was where I was,
I remember thinking,
"This is it,"
"This is the end,"
Finally, my eyes opened in the emergency room,
This was one of the hardest things I've been through,
even if I've been through a lot,
[pensive music playing]
[Mats] Death would have to wait,
[wistful music playing]
[wolf howling in distance]
[church bell ringing]
[Xenia] Ibelin started to have periods of time where he logged out,
and I didn't see him logging in to the game again for a long time,
There was that kind of nagging feeling something was wrong,
He would just say, "I've been on a vacation,"
I was like, "Hmm,"
"There's something he's not telling me,"
[rain pattering]
[Xenia] I remember asking him once, "Have you been in prison? Or,,,"
He was like, "No, I have been on a vacation,"
And I was like,
"Did you go to the vacation in the hospital?"
He didn't respond to me for five minutes,
Then he responded to me, "Sorry, I just had to go to the loo,"
And then I told him,
"Did you go to a vacation in the hospital?"
"Oh, no, no, no, not the hospital,"
and I think there were ten no's after,
"No, no, no, no, no, not the hospital,"
I wrote to him, "Did I hit the nail there?"
The only thing he wrote was, "Good night,"
[thunder rumbling in distance]
[Mats] I just had to get out of that city, get away from it all,
[somber music playing]
[Mats] Games are my sanctuary,
I am safe here, feel valued and respected,
Is my sanctuary threatened?
Should I not be able to game anymore either?
[somber music continues]
[dragon roars]
[Mats] Guess I'm trying to run away from the one thing I can never escape,
Myself,
[bittersweet music playing]
[Xenia] And then he said, "I would like to tell you something,"
"Well, I'm actually in a wheelchair, I'm only able to move my fingers,"
"I have Duchenne, so I don't know when I'm going to die,"
And he was like, "I don't want you to pity me,"
"You are the only one who know,
and you're the only one who should know,
because I do not want anyone to know that I'm sick,"
I told him, "Well, what is the fear?"
And he said, "Well, I fear I don't matter,"
"You have to keep in mind,
I'm here in my apartment,
with my Duchenne,"
"I'm really afraid of dying, I can't,,,
go on and die without having mattered to anyone,"
I told him,
"I think you have made a big impact on a lot of people's lives,"
and he said, "No,"
And I was like, "You have mattered to me and Mikkel,"
[Mikkel] I don't think I would have such a great life as I have now
if it wasn't for him,
If it wasn't for him,
I wouldn't have such a strong relationship as I have now with my mum,
and I probably wouldn't be drawing today or go to school,
I think I would just be someone who was just sitting in their room,
hating myself every day because I couldn't understand
why I'm so different and everything,
So, yeah,
That hit a lot harder on me than I thought it would, [laughs]
[sniffles]
[stifling tears] I told him how much he meant to us, Um,,,
[Xenia] And then he said,
"Well, that made me feel really nice inside,"
"I'm grateful for that,"
And then I told him, "Well, of course you matter to all of us,"
Then I started to list a lot of names that he had helped,
And then he just wrote back,
[Xenia mock crying] "This is too emotional for me,"
[Xenia laughs]
And I was like, "Well, you need to be emotional as well from time to time,"
"Then you know you have mattered to people,"
"And I really wish that you would tell others as well,"
- [classical music playing in background] - [indistinct chatter]
[guests clapping]
- [clapping continues] - [pensive music playing]
[Mats] I still think of her,
Weird how it is with your first crush,
[bittersweet music playing]
This blog is about my life as a young, handicapped man in Norway,
I was born with a muscular disease known as Duchenne muscular dystrophy,
It slowly reduces my muscles, making me gradually weaker,
I could walk once, but now I depend on a wheelchair,
There,
Good, we got that out of the way,
I am happy to share my story and my musings of life with you,
[bittersweet music continues]
[music fades]
[Lisette] And,,, I was mostly shocked reading that,
His muscles are slowly giving out and it meant that he was going to die soon,
[Mats] There was something very exciting about her,
her humor, the way she acted,
how she would express herself,
I remember thinking, "If only,,,"
"If only I wasn't handicapped,"
I can very much understand that you don't want to be judged differently,
or that people start treating you differently once they find out,
and that can be a seriously legit fear,
[indistinct chatter]
But at the same time I confided a lot of my own problems with him over the years,
and he never confided in me the same way, which feels a bit,,,
a bit wrong,
It feels weird to not be trusted the same way around,
[Rumour chuckles]
[Lisette] And I was like,
"Okay, I'm not sure how to respond to this,"
And, um, "But you're still you, so nothing changed there for me,"
[chuckles softly]
[church bell ringing]
[Lisette] So apart from that, nothing really changed for me, 'cause,,,
well, we just mainly went back to just normal,
[Ibelin yelps]
[loud splash]
[Rumour laughing]
[gentle music playing]
- [yelps] - [loud splash]
[both laughing]
[gentle music continues]
[Kai Simon] First, Mats wrote an apology for hurting others in the community,
I'm an emotional man, and I often follow my heart,
I am sorry,
[Kai Simon] Later, he also decided to share the blog he had been writing on,
[gentle music continues]
[Kai Simon] And reading that, one of the things that hurt the most
was not being able to have been there for him the way he had been there for us,
He was met with warmth, He was met with respect,
And I think this gave him the support
and this feeling of safety he needed to share even more,
[man on video] A young man contacted the central office in Oslo,
[Kai Simon] He agreed to participate in an information video
about specialized equipment,
The video was shown all over Norway
and used to show how specialized equipment
could aid people in a similar situation,
[man] ,,,allowing him to play on a computer,
[Kai] The entire documentary was done in secret from his parents,
and that fits with him perfectly,
When he has that determination, when he has decided,
"Let's not be stopped or bothered by something as inconsequential
as the parents getting to know about this,"
"It's much better to just get it done,"
- [indistinct chatter] - [gentle music playing]
[music fades]
[Lisette] They left their email in the blog post,
[sighs] I couldn't really express
how,,,
you know, how to tell them what their son meant to me over all these years,
so I didn't really write a very extensive email,
I think I only wrote, like, two paragraphs to them,
Um,,,
[hesitating] Just trying to tell them,
"Okay, your son was a fantastic person,"
[voice breaking] "And I'm really happy to have known him, and, uh,,,"
It very, very much sucked that he was gone,
[Robert] "Dear Robert, Trude, and Mia,"
"Mats was a real friend to me,"
[chiming]
[Robert] "Despite his challenges,
he still found the strength to be there for us,"
"What mattered to Mats was being able to spread joy in our lives,"
"And stuff I learned from his example has changed the way I think about life,
and I hope that wherever he is, he knows
he's remembered, and treasured, and smiling right now,"
[Trude] Mmm,
[gentle music playing]
DEEPLY MISSED NEVER FORGOTTEN
[Trude] When we started thinking about his gravestone,
and what should be written on it,
we decided that we wanted it to be a nice and somewhat youthful gravestone,
It would say, "Mats,,, Mats Steen,"
[Kai Simon] Dear Trude, Robert, and Mia,
I don't know if this is too much to ask for,
but I wonder when the funeral is,
and if it would be possible for five of Mats's friends to participate?
We come from Norway, Denmark, Finland, England, and the Netherlands,
And we would also like to bring with us our guild tabard,
[church bell ringing]
OUR DEAR SON AND BROTHER, THANK YOU FOR THE GOOD TIMES,
FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS
[Robert] I would like to share one thing with you, Mats,
The biggest pain your mother and I suffered through life
was that you, because of the illness we brought you into this world with,
should not experience falling in love,
You should not experience friendship,
You should not experience social relationships,
and joint activities with others,
You should not experience contributing to society
and playing a meaningful role in other people's lives,
This was by far,,,
[voice breaking] ,,,our biggest sorrow,
[sniffling]
You proved us wrong, You proved us so wrong,
And you proved yourself so resourceful,
But it has only been the last week that we have really got close to realizing
the full impact of the digital community in his life,
I have the last week calculated that during your last ten years,
you have spent between 15 and 20 thousand hours
within this digital community,
Mats did fall in love,
Mats was at times accused for being a womanizer,
And I must admit, being a father, I'm a bit proud of that,
[attendants laughing]
Mats was, throughout eight years in the roleplaying world,
a major contributor and a co-author of a fantastic community called Starlight,
where he got to experience love,
friendship,
and the feeling of making a difference in other people's lives,
I met Mats in a place where there is no limitations on his body,
where it does not matter what you struggle with in your daily life,
the challenges you face,
In a place where he could choose who we wanted to be,
And many years ago, Mats chose to reach out to us
and start forming friendships with us in Starlight,
Those chance encounters became friendships,
and, ultimately, it led to five of us being here today,
Mats had a very, very long reach,
And he helped others,
And this is the one thing that rings true
in every story people have shared about him,
He was selfless and kind,
He was a person who listened, who welcomed others, and included them,
What mattered to Mats was being able to spread joy in our lives,
Despite his handicaps, he found the strength to be there for us,
And the last thing he said to us,,,
through his family,
"Tell them that I love them, and that they made my life different,"
"Tell them all goodbye,"
And, Mats, thank you for making a difference,
[sweet music playing]
- [sweet music continues] - [church bell ringing faintly]
[sweet music continues]
[peaceful music playing]
DEEPLY MISSED, NEVER FORGOTTEN
[music swelling]
[gentle music playing]
[sweeping music playing]
[music fades]