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THEY LAUGH
I thought I wouldn\'t see you again unless you were in trouble,
Oh, I am in trouble,
Oh, You mean this kind of trouble?
SHE LAUGHS - Isn\'t he great?
He\'s so great,
He\'s funny, He makes jokes,
She turned around and it was the golden one,
THEY LAUGH
You sort of needed to hear the top bit,
- I love wordplay, - Oh, He\'s clever,
- Shakespeare uses wordplay, - He says things like,,,
- I\'ve got a big case tomorrow, - He\'s little bit controlling,,,
- Don\'t eat that, - But it\'s manageable,
- I\'m going to, - OK,
- He\'s a feminist, - I have a sister,
- He\'s unpredictable, - I\'m just gonna go for a shit,
I\'m ignoring that,
Actually,,,
- You wanna go and have sex? - That\'s better,
- I\'m really good at it, - He won\'t be,
He\'s really good at it,
Oh, My God,,,
I\'m not gonna be sick,
- Hi, - Hi,
Uh, Do you need a hand with any of,,,?
- No, No, - I can at least take the bassoon,,,
I am perfectly balanced, Thank you,
- Big night last night? - Is it obvious?
CLAIRE: Well, At least someone\'s having fun,
- FLEABAG: Wait, I can get the bell,,, - No, No, I\'ve got it,
- OK, - DOORBELL RINGS
- Are you going to be sick? - Nope,
She better be quick today,
I\'ve got a serious appointment later, I can\'t miss it,
- It\'s very important, - What kind of appointment?
A serious one, Can\'t miss it, OK?
- Well, Do you need me to,,, - I don\'t need you
to do anything, Thank you,
Unless you can find a way
to stop this horrendous wedding from happening,
- Girls! - Hi!
Come in, Come in, Oh,
HE CHUCKLES Oh, Look,
Just leave these things there for now, Yeah?
- You like a quick cup of tea before you,,, - Oh, Actually, Yeah,
- Um, I have to be pretty quick today, - It\'s already in a pot,
- Some water, Or some gin,,, - Come through,
We\'ve got a tray of lovely, Sweet chocolate-y things
- and our lovely friend has just dropped round, - Hi,
GODMOTHER: Hello, Darling,
Hello,
Uh, I\'m gonna be sick,
You alright? You look horrendous,
Oh, Thanks, Just a big night,
Hello,
Hey, I only meant to be quick, I wasn\'t,,, Didn\'t need to,,,
- Wasn\'t expecting the whole family, Wow, - THEY LAUGH,
- They\'re being painted, Isn\'t that fun? - Oh, So fun,
- Um, I can come back later? - No, No,
- So, Come on, Fill us in,
Probably better actually that we should all hear the plans,
- Right, - PRIEST: Right,
Well, I just wanted to pop in actually to say that, Um,,,
I\'ve been called away this weekend and I\'m afraid
I won\'t be able to officiate at the ceremony tomorrow,
Oh, Christ,
Why?
My brother is ill,
So I have to go and see him,
Well, What\'s he ill with?
A lorry,
- Accident, - Right,
Oh, God,
- Is he alright? - He\'s,,, he\'s
he\'s in a bit of a state, To be honest,
But, Uh,,,
I just can\'t do it,
Can\'t do it,
GODMOTHER: Well,
Well,
Oh, This is gonna be spectacular,
You
poor man,
Well, Of course you must go,
- Really? - Uh, Really?
GODMOTHER: Of course, Family first,
Always,
Family first,
You must go, Get straight to him, Just send me through the details
of what you\'ve worked out so far and we\'ll sort something out,
Oh, I\'ve put out the feelers for somebody else and,,,
- Well, Uh, I think we might have to,,, - Don\'t even think about it,
This is much more important, You must go,
- Go, Go, Go, - OK, Well, Thank you so much
- for your understanding, - DAD: Oh, Well, Sure, Sure, Sure,
PRIEST: And all the best, And, Uh, I\'ll see you again, I\'m sorry,
- GODMOTHER: Oh, Goodbye, Darling, - Have a great day,
- GODMOTHER: Good luck, - PRIEST: Bye, Bye,
DOOR SLAMS
GODMOTHER: What,,, a,,,
SHE SCREAMS: Cunt!
- What a cunt! - DAD: Look, Don\'t, Please,,,
GODMOTHER: Bastard! Fucking ba,,, Don\'t touch me!
Christ, I need to paint! I need to paint now! Send them away!
I,,,
- I think you should, Uh,,, - Yes, OK,
- Bye, Dad, - Bye, Dad,
Well, That solves that problem,
Well, I\'m relieved for him,
- You alright? - Yeah, I\'m just late for the café,
Right,
IMAGINARY CHOIR SINGS
- Oh, My God! - Oh! Sorry,
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry,
- Jesus! How long were you there? - Literally, Three seconds,
SHE SIGHS
- You can\'t just cancel a wedding, - I don\'t have a choice,
- But you have the dress, - THEY CHUCKLE,
I ca,,, I can\'t,
- I can\'t, I can\'t, - Listen, I just need to say,,,
No, No, I know what you\'re,,, I don\'t want to know,
I don\'t think you do know what I\'m gonna say,
Please don\'t come to the church again,
I mean that
with the greatest of compliments,
IMAGINARY CHOIR SINGS
SHE GROANS
I\'d strongly advise taking out the insurance,
- Er, The problem is,,, - I can deal with it,
- The, Um, Er, If you took a seven foot tall,,, - I can deal with it,
- A very large armchair, So he couldn\'t,,, - Can\'t deal with it,
Even feel the chinchilla, So, You know
- suffocating underneath him, - Mm!
It\'s Tuesday, Joe,
No, It\'s Chatty Wednesday,
No, It\'s Quiet Tuesday, It\'s Chatty Wednesday,
Well, It was a very small chinchilla,,,
No, Can we just stop chatting, Just for a second please, Joe?
- IMAGINARY CHOIR STOPS, - CHATTER STOPS
Joe, I,,,
CHATTER RESUMES - BELL RINGS
Hi,
- You OK? - Uh, Yeah,
Are you OK? You look like something bad\'s happened,
Do I? I thought I was looking jolly,
Oh, Um, Why?
I\'ve been offered a new job,
Oh, Congratulations,
Well, I just wanted to say goodbye,
And to give you this,
Thanks,
- It\'s a guinea pig, - It\'s a hamster,
Thanks,
PHONE BUZZES
Oh, Sorry, It\'s my sister, She\'s a bit mental, Do you mind if I,,,?
Sure, I wasn\'t gonna stay, So,,,
- Claire? - CLAIRE: Something\'s happened,
SHE SOBS: Something awful has happened,
- What? - I can\'t,,,
- Where are you? Do you need me to come? - I can\'t breathe,
No, No, I just,,, I fucked it up!
I fucked everything up! Can you come?
I mean, I have to close the café, But I can,,, Just tell me where you are,
No, No, Don\'t close, I\'m so sorry, But,,, but,,,
- I-I can look after the place if you like, - Really?
Well, I don\'t start till Monday,
Wait, Why,,,?
I just like it,
Well, OK,,,
- Are you talking to me? - Could you give Hilary and, Um,,,
- No, Don\'t bring Hilary, - Stephanie,
Stephanie, Some cucumber at 2:30?
- Who\'s Stephanie? - Great, Thanks,
Um, Claire, Just tell me where you are,
- What the hell has happened? - No, Just come! I need you to,,,
SHE EXHALES
Tell the truth,
- It\'s horrendous, - It\'s horrendous,
- It\'s modern, - Don\'t lie!
- I\'m not! - I look like a pencil,
You,,, SHE LAUGHS
- you don\'t look like,,, - Don\'t laugh!
- It\'s OK! - It\'s not OK! I\'m gonna lose my job,
You won\'t lose your job, It\'s cool,
- It\'s not cool! - It\'s edgy,
- Oh, Fuck off! - No, It\'s chic,
- It\'s unsalvageable! - Claire, It\'s French,
- Really? - Yes,
Have you been drinking?
Oh, He gave me champagne before he ruined my life,
That\'s how they get you,
Did you go to Anthony?
- Claire, - I know,
What? You remember what happened to me?
I honestly thought it was the last time I was gonna see him,
- Um, I mean, That\'s awful, But if I,,, - His little face was just,,,
Anthony!
- Is this what you asked for? - No, Of course not,
He\'s just a bastard,
Right, Fuck it,
- What? - Come on,
No, No! It\'s alright!
- FLEABAG: Come on, - CLAIRE: Oh,,, slow down!
Hey!
- No, - Anthony,
No! That is exactly what she asked for,
- No, It\'s not, We want compensation, - Claire?
I\'ve got two important meetings and I look like a pencil,
No! Don\'t blame me for your bad choices,
Hair isn\'t everything,
SHE SCOFFS: Wow,
What?
Hair is everything,
We wish it wasn\'t
so we could actually think about something else occasionally
but it is,
It\'s the difference between a good day and a bad day,
We\'re meant to think that it\'s a symbol of power
that it\'s a symbol of fertility,
Some people are exploited for it and it pays your fucking bills,
Hair is everything, Anthony!
Show her the reference,
Claudia, Bring me the bin,
If you want to change your life, Change your life,
It\'s not gonna happen in here,
- Sorry, Anthony, - Sorry, Anthony,
- Didn\'t mean for it to turn out like that, - I\'ll see you next week,
FLEABAG SIGHS
You got any cigarettes?
- No, - Good,
- Thank you for being there, - It was cathartic,
- At the hospital, - Oh, It\'s OK,
- Shame you didn\'t get to keep that doctor, - Mm,,,
I\'m sorry you lost it,
I just felt
relief,
I didn\'t want my husband\'s baby,
Isn\'t that awful?
I haven\'t even asked you how you are,
- How are you? What\'s going on with you? - SHE CHUCKLES,
Um,,, I met someone,
- What? Really? - Yeah,
Oh, My God, That\'s amazing,
What does he do?
He\'s a priest,
IMAGINARY CHOIR SINGS
Is it,,,?
Yeah,
- Oh, My God, - Yeah,
- You are joking, - No,
SHE LAUGHS
THEY LAUGH
- I\'m sorry, - I know,
It\'s just,,,
- I\'m sure it\'s very complicated, - Yes,
- But it\'s just,,, - It\'s very painful,
- You\'re a genius, - SHE LAUGHS,
You\'re my fucking hero,
Claire?
- Is that you? - Oh, God,
Oh, God, Oh, God, Oh, God,
- Claire! - Klare!
- Hi, - Oh, My God!
- Claire, I love your hair! - Oh!
HE LAUGHS Claire!
It\'s so cute and edgy and cool,
- Oh, Thank you, - Like superstar, Pop star,
THEY LAUGH
Listen, These penguins are taking me to this new, Amazing London music thing,
- Are you free? - Oh,
- Yes, - You wanna come?
Oh, I,,, I have to take my step-son his bassoon,
I mean, I wish I could,
Well, I leave tomorrow,
- So,,, - Oh,
I\'ll take the bassoon, I\'ve got it,
I\'ll take it,
- Oh, Um, No, He\'s expecting me to, - No, No,
No, Just tell Jake it\'s with me at the café,
- Honestly, It\'s fine, - Oh,
Hey, I don\'t want to get in the way of your family day,
THEY LAUGH - No, I\'ll take it,
Please get in the way of her family days,
Just tell Jake I\'ve got it,
No biggie,
Bye, Claire,
Bye, Klare,
Bye, Claire,
I can\'t believe your hair,
THEY LAUGH - It\'s so chic and cute,
- It\'s all the things, - CLAIRE: Really?
- KLARE SPEAKS FINNISH, - THEY LAUGH
Goes so well with your top,
Oh, Thank God, That\'s so sweet of you,
- Honestly, I\'ve had such a day with it, - KLARE: Yeah, Oh, Right?
- CLAIRE: Yeah, - THEY LAUGH,
FLEABAG: Oh, Fuck,
Sorry,
Well, That was exhausting,
- The new guinea pig,,, - Hamster,
Is in with Hilary,
They shared the cucumber, OK? Which was quite sweet,
Oh, Thanks,
- Well, I\'d say anytime but, Uh,,, - You have a new job,
I will be back, Though,
My wife would love Chatty Wednesdays,
- Love them, - Oh,
Ahem, Oh, You have a visitor,
He said he knew you, So I let him wait in there,
Oh,
Pleasure doing business with you,
Bye,
He took the pinny,
BELL RINGS
- Ugh, - Hey!
- He\'s gonna make a bassoon joke, - Is that a bassoon in your hand
or are you just pleased to see me?
Would you say that to your son?
When he has his bassoon, Sure,
- But,,, - HE LAUGHS,
- He\'s never pleased to see me, So,,, - It doesn\'t even make sense,
- Why would a bassoon in my hand,,, - Like a dick in your hand,
Oh, Right, So if I was walking towards you with an amputated dick in my hand
- you\'d think I was horny? - Well, I\'d assume that you had been,
Certainly wouldn\'t put it past you to chop a dick off,
SHE SIGHS Put the guinea pig down,
- Where is she? - Why?
Well, She was meant to have dropped that off
- and she\'s not at the office, - Well, I don\'t know where she is,
So you just,,, found that, Huh?
Mm, Please don\'t hurt the guinea pig,
I would never hurt the guinea pig,
I wouldn\'t do that,
Here we go, Sweetie, Go in here,,,
MARTIN: Oh, That\'s fucking adorable,
Are you sure we should even be talking?
Aren\'t you supposed to be getting me arrested or something?
Wow,
She really tells you everything, Doesn\'t she?
Cute tables,
- Oh, Jesus, Martin, - Fuck off!
You,,, are the problem, You know that?
You are the problem in my perfect, Awful life,
I haven\'t seen you in a year,
And yet still, Off she runs into the night, For you,
I can\'t even get the woman pregnant, And then you come in
showing off about your miscarriage,
Like, You didn\'t even want the one you had,
I was just trying to make her feel better!
SHE SCOFFS
PHONE BUZZES
Give me your phone,
- No, - Give me your phone!
No,
PHONE BUZZES
Is she leaving me?
I hope so,
Don\'t let her leave me,
Don\'t let her leave me, Please,
I hope she doesn\'t come home tonight,
HE LAUGHS
Ah! Cashmere, Cashmere, Cashmere,,,
I will take you down, Fucker,
HE SCOFFS
Fuck you!
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
You better start sleeping with a lawyer!
- I\'m already sleeping with a lawyer! - Yeah? Lucky lawyer!
BELL RINGS - Shit,
SHE SIGHS I better call my lawyer,
You know that feeling when the Hot Misogynist
who might not be a misogynist is turning up at your house
for the second time in 48 hours to give you nine orgasms you don\'t want
just to do something to get your head out of the fact
that the only person you want to see in the world
- is the priest that you,,, - DOORBELL BUZZES,
SHE SIGHS
So you pick yourself up, Cover yourself in coconut oil
and hope he hasn\'t noticed that you haven\'t shaved your,,,
THUNDER RUMBLES - Hey,
Your sister gave me your address,
Are you on your way out?
Oh, No, I just,,, I just got in,
I\'ve only got underwear under this coat,
OK, Good, Can I come in?
Yeah, Sure,
- It\'s nice, - Oh, Thank you,
Uh,,,
- Water? - No, Thanks, I wanna keep a clear head,
Uh, I\'ve changed my mind about the wedding,
I can\'t let them down like that,
And apparently no one else will wear the outfit,
- Oh, That\'s good of you, - You gonna take off your coat?
Oh,
No, No, I\'m good, I\'m a bit chilly,
I\'ve sacrificed a lot for this life,
You know? I\'ve given a lot of things up,
- Um, So, Uh,,, - DOORBELL BUZZES,
DOORBELL BUZZES
Do you want to get that?
Oh, No, I don\'t like opening the door to people I don\'t know,
- DOORBELL BUZZES, - HOT MISOGYNIST: I\'m back!
DOORBELL BUZZES
Look, If-if,,, if there\'s someone
you need to see or-or let in, Or,,,
No, Honestly, Honestly, It\'s fine,
HE SIGHS
- When I was a child, I,,, - DOORBELL BUZZES,
- HOT MISOGYNIST: Little lady! - I\'m just,,,
DOORBELL BUZZES - I\'ll just be, Um,,,
HOT MISOGYNIST: So, You\'re in trouble again, Huh?
- Oh, My God, Listen, You can\'t come in, - OK, You wanna do it on the doorstep?
Uh, No, My priest is here, And he really needs some guidance,
What? Is he OK?
FLEABAG: No, I\'m hoping he\'s having an emotional crisis,
HOT MISOGYNIST: Shall I wait? You said you wanted to see me,
Yes, I did want to see you, But now I don\'t want to see you,
HOT MISOGYNIST: Did I do something wrong? You seemed to like what I did,
- FLEABAG: I did, - I\'m really good at it,
FLEABAG: Yes, I know you are, Yeah,
- I\'m really good at it, - Yeah, I know you are,
- I\'m really,,, - OK, You\'re really good at it,
- Well, Clearly I\'m not, If you don\'t want it, - Oh, For God\'s sake,
- You\'re the best sex I\'ve ever had, - What?
- You\'re the best sex I\'ve ever had, - Really?
Honestly, You,,, you made me come nine times,
- Honestly? - SHE CHUCKLES,
Cool, Do you want me to go?
Yeah, OK,
- I could take this somewhere else, - Oh, OK, Good, Good for her,
Nine times,
You\'re a saint,
DOOR CLOSES
- I\'m sorry, - That\'s OK,
- That was,,, - I won\'t ask,
- Nine times? - I just had to get rid of him,
Sure,
I can\'t be physical with you,
- What, We can\'t even wrestle? - THEY LAUGH,
No, Priests have sex, You know, A lot of them actually do,
They don\'t burst into flames, I Googled it,
I can\'t have sex with you because I\'ll fall in love with you,
And if I fall in love with you
I won\'t burst into flames, But
my life will be fucked,
We\'re gonna have sex,
I\'m supposed to love one thing,
- Oh, My God, We\'re gonna have sex, - For fuck\'s sake! Stop that!
I don\'t think you want to be told what to do at all,
I think you know exactly what you want to do,
If you really wanted to be told what to do, You\'d be wearing one of these,
- Women aren\'t actually allowed,,, - Oh, Fuck off! I know!
SHE SCOFFS
We\'re gonna have sex, Aren\'t we?
Yeah,
OK,
- I,,, - Oh, Whoa, OK,
- Uh,,, - Listen, I had a,,,
No, No, No, No, Shh, Shh, Shh,
IMAGINARY CHOIR SINGS
SHE GASPS
SHE PANTS