Yvonne Orji: This is the first time that I've actually been back
in Lagos since "Insecure" has hit,
I'm gonna bring you all here to my home
to let you know all the parts
that make me me,
When you see my people,
we always have joy,
It is beautiful chaos,
(indistinct)
There is no way I could do a special
about my life without showing you my life,
I think a lot of my jokes are very personal,
They come from home and what home means to me,
Why do you guys have that pillow there?
-(laughs) -Dad: Who is that?
-That's hysterical, -Yeah, you like that?
Come, lads, See my baby here,
(laughing)
You guys just keep this right here? (laugh)
That's just hysterical,
-(sighs) It's good to be home, -I know,
(crowd cheering)
(rap music playing)
(cheering continues)
♪ We made it ♪
(rapping continues)
(cheering continues)
What is going on, DMV?!
(cheering)
-Hey yo! -(music fades)
Y'all can have a seat, Y'all look sexy or whatever?
Yo!
It feels good to be home!
(cheering)
Here at the Howard Theater, I had to do it here, Here's why,
My mother was a nurse at Howard University Hospital,
(cheering)
For 27 years,
so I had to honor that, okay?
-(cheering) -Y'all good? This is good, Okay, this is cute,
Did you just come from Wakanda? What's happening?
(laughter)
Y'all are the ones sending those emails?
-Is that what's going on? -(laughter)
(laughing)
Y'all know the emails!
Y'all probably got one in your inbox right now, don't you?
They all start out the same, It's like,
(Nigerian accent): "Good afternoon,,,
-"sir or madam, -(laughter)
"My name is Umbellelo, and I have just inherited
-"five hundred thousand billion dollars! -(laughter)
And I want to share it with you,"
It's like, no, you don't, You don't even know me,
-(laughter) -But don't think just because I'm Nigerian
that I'm exempt from getting them though, I get them,
but as an African, I feel obligated to respond,
(laughter)
So, I write back,
-(Nigerian accent): "My brother,,, -(laughter)
I am one of you,"
They respond, "Hey, my sister, we are so sorry,
Please, delete it,"
(laughter)
Oh my gosh,
I just got back from Nigeria not too long ago,
-(cheering) -Yes!
I love going back home, I feel, like, energized,
I feel like, "Ah, my people, we are here,"
But my favorite thing to do when I go back home though
is to go to the market,
I feel like market experiences are essential for my life,
'Cause I love haggling, That's it,
And I like haggling like how people like gambling,
Like, you know what I'm sayin'? It's an addiction, right?
-I don't even need the stuff I'm haggling for, -(laughter)
I just like the opportunity to be like,
"How much did you get that for? Ha,
-Me, I got it for half that price," Like, I just, -(laughter)
I like the bragging rights of winning, right?
And it's like a game,
When you go there, there's rules,
There's rules to haggling, Y'all know,
'Cause when you get to the lady
or the guy that's selling your stuff,
you gotta like gas 'em up,
(with accent): "You have to dose them,"
-You have to be like, "Ah, auntie, look at you, -(laughter)
"Looking fine anyhow,,,
-Are you the only one that came to market? Ah!" -(laughter)
And then when you see the thing you want,
you gotta act like you don't even like it,
You gotta act like you don't want it, "What is,,,
-"What is that? Is that a handbag? -(laughter)
-This is okay, Is it okay? I don't know," -(laughter)
(laughing)
Like y'all, I went to the market and I saw this pink leather bag,
I did not need a pink leather bag, but I was like,
"Lemme see how much I can get it for, Lemme just see, Lemme see,"
So I was like, "Auntie, how much for this bag?"
Here she go, "For you,"
(laughter)
(laugh) Y'all already know with this?
(laughter)
"Because it's you" is a problem,
-She about to say something real ignorant, -(laughter)
"Ah, because it's you, just give me,,,
-"I don't know, -(laughter)
(laugh)
-Gimme 50,000," -(laughter)
So, you gotta feel immediately insulted,
"50,000? Me?
-A whole me?" -(laughter)
And you gotta hit her with something crazy like,
"So, if I pay you this much money,
will your son come and marry me?"
(laughter)
You gotta be real ignorant with it, okay?
Then here she goes, She's like, "Okay, okay,
Talk your price, How much do you want to pay?"
You know Michelle Obama say when they go low, you go high,
-Not me, I go lower, -(laughter)
So I was like, "For this bag, I don't even-- do I like it?
"Give it to me for,,,
-three," -(laughter)
Gotta be real stupid with it! And then, this hurts her,
and feels insulted, "Three thou--
-So, you don't want my children to eat?" -(laughter)
I'm taking my girl Chigul to the market,
She is Nigeria's funniest comedian in Nigeria because, me,
-I'm Nigeria's funniest-- -(indistinct, laughs)
So, we're here, and I wanna buy some things,
but, you know, we have to haggle,
Chigul: Yes, that's it,
-Hey, do you see that? "No money, no wife," -No wife!
-Baby, are you hungry? -He wants you for dinner,
(both laughing)
I like this though, This is very nice,
How much is this? How much is this?
-Uncle, how much? -Man: 6,000,
6,000, Well, God bless you,
-If this one is 12,000, how much is this one? -Man (in English):
Why?
Well, can you cut the price?
Since it's cotton, Let it be "cotton" the price,
It's okay, I will come back, No taking,
You always will come back, You're not coming back,
-You gotta know when to walk away, -Chigul: Yes,
-Hey! A fine boy like you, small boy, -(laughs)
-Yvonne (in foreign language): -Boy: Yes,
-How old are you? 12? -Boy (in English):
-What's your name? Abu, -Abu,
-Abu, 12 years old, running markets, -Chigul: Yes,
-Abu, how much is this? -Abu (in English):
He's running market very high, (laughs)
His market is too high for me!
-This is how they do it, Nigerians, they start you young, -Chigul: Yes,
Okay, if you're not owning a shop at 12 years old,
you're not doing nothing with your life,
Where's your mother and your father? Is somebody here?
Who's your uncle? Who's your big uncle?
Ah, So, you've just been gingerly standing there,
Don't look at him, Don't look at him,
500's a good price, cash,
-Chigul: He's a smart boy, -Here you are,
Do we have a sale? Yes,
(both exclaiming)
When you get to be about 35, call me if I'm still single,
(laughing)
Well, my problem is that I haggle in America,,,
(laughter)
where prices are fixed,
And I'll do it anywhere, Don't even matter,
Like, I called to put something on my student loans,
(laughter)
Y'all, let me tell you right now,
I had deferred my loans so long,
these hoes were just like, "Send us back the degree,
-"You don't,,, -(laughter)
You don't want this,"
And at the end, the same rules apply,
Like, you gotta gas them on, You get on the phone,
I was like, (cheerful voice): "Hello?
"Hi! Wait, what's your name?
-"Emma? Hi, Emma, -(laughter)
(applause)
(chuckles) "Yeah, Emma,
"um, how are--? Yeah! I just--
"I went to college with an Emma, Girl, is that you?
(laughter)
"Anyways, so I'm calling
"to, um, just, you know,
-"put something on these, -(laughter)
"Yeah, you're right, it has been a while, Thanks for noticing,
"But, Emma, I have a question, Um,,,
I see two sets of numbers here, and I'm just-- I'm a little confused,"
And I, like, I gotta let you guys know,
When I haggle, my accent comes out,
Like, I don't know that it's about to do it, It's just,,,
it just does,
So I was like, "Okay, I see two sets of numbers here,
and I'm not quite sure," Emma goes, "Yeah! Well,
the first one, that's your principal," I was like, "Yeah,
that looks familiar, What's this second one?"
"Well, ma'am, that's your-- that's your interest,"
(in Nigerian accent): "Emma, Emma, Emma,,,
(laughter)
(laugh)
"You see, I'm not interested,,,
(laughter)
in paying the interest,"
"Well, ma'am, it's--" "Emma, it is okay,
-Let me talk to your manager," Like-- -(laughter)
(normal voice): Ain't got time to go back and forth!
But, I do it everywhere, I do it everywhere,
-I do it at Trader Joe's, -(laughter)
There's no shame to this game, y'all,
And the thing is, like, so, here's the thing, I like bananas,
but I like specific bananas, I like them
three days after they were green,
So, I go to Trader Joe's this one particular day,
And I go to the banana section,
and all I see are these spotted joints, I'm like, ugh!
(in accent): "Well, lemme see, Lemme see what I can get these for,"
(laughter)
(laughs)
Oh, girl's ringing me up! She's like, "Okay,
yeah, yeah, yeah," She gets to the bananas, I'm like,
-(in accent): "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute," -(laughter)
"Leanna, Leanna,,,
How much are those bananas?"
She was like, "Uh, they're 19 cents,"
-"No,,, -(laughter)
"Come, come, come,
-What are the spotted banana prices?" -(laughter)
She's like, "No, they're all the sa--" I say, "Leanna, Look,
-lemme talk to your manager," -(laughter)
Then she got me, She was like, "Hold on, Aren't you the girl from--"
-"Oh! Gotta go," -(laughter)
(applause)
(in normal voice): Don't let these HBO checks fool you!
-(laughter) -Ha, ha! Ah,
But I love-- I love being Nigerian American
'cause I feel like now, it's cool, Like, now,,,
-Because before, it wasn't always cool, -(scattered cheering)
Any African booty scratchers?
-Ha, Yeah! -(laughter)
Here we go,
Look at us now!
(laughter)
But I do love this, like, the opportunity of having
this dual lens of being both Nigerian and American,
'Cause I get to see things, like, from a different perspective,
Like, I notice Americans love
standing in lines just for anything, Y'all don't even
have to know what the line is for, You're just like,
"Oh my God, there's a line, It must be for something amazing!
-(laughter) -"Let's get in there!
-"What? New shoes? Who knows! -(laughter)
Popeye's dropping another chicken sandwich? What?"
(laughter)
(laughs)
Here's the thing, If Nigerians are standing in line for food,
-there is a famine, It's not for fun, okay? -(laughter)
But I do use it to my advantage, I do use it to my advantage,
All my cousins back home who WhatsApp me, asking me for money,
I go outside one of these food lines,
I'll start taking pictures,
send it back to them, I say, "You see? Ha,
"Things are hard for people everywhere!
(laughter, clapping)
"Even Americans
"are standing in line for food,
-"So no, I cannot help you, -(laughter)
"For 60 cents a day, you, too,
can sponsor an American child,"
(laughter)
(normal voice): No, but I love-- I love being Nigerian American,
I do, because we're so good at a lot of things,
We are, You know, "Naija no dey carry last,
-(scattered cheers) -Sometimes, we carry second, Is okay,"
(laughs)
But we're also, we're not good at a lot of things either,
Like, for instance, we're not good at giving directions,
Am I-- Y'all are laughing 'cause y'all know,
If you ask a Nigerian for directions
to the theater tonight,
it would be the most frustrating experience of your life,
You would still be on your way here, okay?
-(laughter) -'Cause you'd be like,
"Excuse me, Can you please tell me how to get
to the Howard Theater?" Here they go,
(in Nigerian accent): "Howard Theater,,,
-(laughter) -Howard Theater,"
-(in normal voice): Also, what is this move? -(laughter)
Is this your GPS? What's going on, sir?
(in accent): "Howard Theater, Mm,,,
What's happening there?"
(laughter)
No, no, Not the question I was asking,
-He's like, "Oh, so you're having a party, -(laughter)
"And you did not invite me?
-(chuckle) Is that nice?" -(laughter)
"Sir, I am in a hurry,"
-"Slow down! -(laughter)
The race is not given to the swift,"
(laughter)
What are these proverbs? I don't have time for this nonsense!
And they get mad at you, "Okay, okay, okay, okay,
"Because you are in a rush, Howard Theater, Howard,
Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard,,,"
-Are you-- What is this? -(laughter)
"Howard, I know the place, I know the place, I'm seeing it,
"Okay, okay, here's what you want to do,
You want to go all,,, the way down, Just go down,
-"Down, down, down, down, down, Eh? -(laughter)
"All the way to the end of the road,
"At the end of this street, you will see a stop sign,
At that stop sign, stop,"
(traffic noise)
Excuse me, Excuse me! Hi! Please!
-Do you know Obalende? -(in English):
Yvonne: Obalende, yes,
How do I get to Obalende?
(in English):
You go straight down, you turn right, then you turn left,
and then afterwards, you just keep on going,
So, there's many rights and lefts,
Yeah, pretty much,
-(in English): -Okay,
When I get to the bus stop, then I will stop,
(in English):
-So, just go straight down, -Straight down,
-By my right, Which is it, right or left? -Yes,
Okay, Okay,
Is there any landmark that will let me know that I'm there?
Do you know how to get to Obalende?
Yes, how do I get to Obalende?
(in English):
I can use Google Maps, Save my life,
-So, you don't know directions, Just use Google Maps, -Yes,
All right, stay in school,
We're not good, We're not good
at telling you what we're not good at,
We're not good at cursing, Like cursing people out, Like, yo,
-black people got that on lock! -(laughter)
Lemme tell you, when a black person curses you out,
-you just gotta clap, Like, nigga, you did that, -(laughter)
I see what you did there, I would not have thought about
-that combination, but, uh, I do appreciate that, -(laughter)
It's like "Mortal Kombat," "Street Fighter,"
-Hadouken, tiger uppercut, finish him! -(laughter)
It's beautiful! It's amazing,
'Cause, like, Nigerians, we don't, like, we don't
curse people out, No, we don't curse,
-We put curses on,,, -(laughter)
people,
-It's a little different, -(laughter)
It's a little different,
And I've seen a black guy and an African guy get into a fight,
I've seen it 'cause I used to live in Harlem,
and that's like the melting pot
of all of this, and when I tell you,
it is the most hilarious thing in the world,
Because here's what I found out, Like, black guys,
y'all love your sneakers, Like, y'all--
I don't know about you, You have your church shoes on,
-(laughter) -Like, black dudes,
y'all, like, keep your sneakers in the box,
You have a special toothbrush for it, You take it out on Sundays,
like, "Ah, ah, ah!"
So, you don't want nobody scuffing it,
Well, I don't know what this Nigerian guy was going this one day
'cause he was just like, "'Scuse me, 'scuse me, I'm in a rush--"
-Where are you switching to, bro? -(laughter)
He messed around and scuffed this black dude's shoes,
Homie was like, "Come on, man! Look what you did to my shoes!
Man, come on, watch where you going, you stupid motherf--"
-(Nigerian accent): "Stupid mother what? -(laughter)
"Me?
-A whole me?" -Audience: A whole me?
(laughter, cheering)
(applause)
-"No problem, -(laughter)
-"Everything you touch,,, -(laughter)
(applause)
will turn to dust,"
-I was like, no! -(laughter)
Uncle, please take it back! He did not mean it!
-We don't fight fair, -(laughter)
Ha! And I've seen it happen in all,,,
in everywhere, I have seen it happen,
I went to The Braid Gallery, and I saw it,
First of all, lemme just take this opportunity to apologize
to every woman here without edges,
-Um,,, -(laughter)
My people and their heavy hands have hurt you,
-(laughter) -Some of you--
Some of you wanna laugh now, Your scalp won't allow you,
-"Ha-- Oh no," -(laughter)
'Cause an African will grip the mess outta your scalp,
won't they? They will find hair in places
-that you didn't even know existed, -(laughter)
I went to this lady at this Braid Gallery,
and I sat in this lady's chair,
-Shorty grabbed my throat, -(laughter)
I was like, (in accent): "Auntie, what are you doing?"
She said, "Stand very still,
-"There is a piece of hair right there, -(laughter)
"I must get it and connect it
back to your roots!"
(laughter)
(in normal voice): I'm good, I'm good,
So, I was at The Braid Gallery in Harlem,
and this black girl was hurtin'
'cause this Nigerian girl was just taking it to her scalp,
She was like, "Ma'am, I can't even think! Like, I can't even--
-(laughter) -"Like, can you please stop touching me--
"Why don't you just get your hand off my hair,
-you stupid b--" -(audience ohhing)
-(in accent): "Stupid what? -(laughter)
Me? A,,,"
Audience: A whole me?
(laughter, applause)
"No problem,
(laughter)
"Your third-born child,,,
(laughter)
will have no eyes," I was like, goddamn!
(laughter)
(in normal voice): She didn't mean it!
(laughs)
We don't fight fair, bro,
And two Nigerians fighting is hysterical
because they never actually fight,
They give advice, It's like you see two of them,
goin' head-to-head, and one of them is like,
-(in accent): "My friend! Hey! My friend, -(laughter)
-"If I were you,,, -(laughter)
"No, I'm just saying, if I were you,,,
-I would respect myself," -(laughter)
(applause)
(in normal voice): So, y'all not gonna fight,
(laughter)
I love going home because it's like I get
to introduce my cousins to new things,
I brought Taboo home, right?
I wanted to create memories,
You were like, "Oh no," Yeah, it was a bad idea,
-(laughter) -That's what it was, It was a bad--
I realized very quickly
-that Taboo does not translate, It does,,, -(laughter)
it does not go over the border very well,
Because here's-- Like, y'all,
it was so frustrating 'cause I'm playing with them,
and the words that they are guessing,,,
it was just not accurate for,,,
-for the words that were on those cards, -(laughter)
'Cause I'm like, "Okay, it's something you eat for breakfast,"
-Here they go, "Yam! Cassava! -(laughter)
Plantain! Goat meat!"
(laughter, applause)
-What kind of starch-heavy diet are y'all on? -(laughter)
It was eggs,
(laughter)
This is when I was like, I gotta give this game up, I was like,
"Okay, it's something our parents don't want us to be,"
-"Prostitute! -(laughter)
Unmarried! Happy!" What?
(laughter)
You might need therapy, Just,,,
Let's put this game-- Let's unpack some of these issues,
But as much as I can't play with my cousins back home,
I realized I can't play with my hood friends either, Just,,,
-She's like, "You're right about that one, -(laughter)
Yeah," No, because here's the thing,
When you play with folks from the hood,
it just be all off, okay? The way y'all guess these words?
It's like y'all had a pre-game that I didn't know about, okay?
-My two degrees be fighting with your logic, -(laughter)
And then when you get a card, what is this nonsense?
-"Ahh! -(laughter)
Ahh!"
(laughter)
For a card game? All of that for a card game?
Copy, copy,
So, I went to a house party in Brooklyn,
The word was "thirsty," Here goes this fool,
And I'm on their team,
He was like,
"Ah, money! Money!
-"Money! -(laughter)
-Nigga, we got this!" -(laughter)
I'm looking at the clock like, no, we don't! Hurry up! Like,,,
He's like, "Okay, okay, okay, Ah,,,
-(heavy breathing) -(laughter)
"Okay, okay, okay, Listen, listen, listen,
"When a hoe knows that you got a girl,,,
"Right? Right? Okay,
"And she don't even care, my nigga,
"she still be tryin' to holler?
-What is she?" -(laughter)
(laughter)
That's where we're going with this?
When a hoe knows you gotta,,,
-So, not parched? -(laughter)
Not "there is a drought, and thus,,,"
(laughter)
And me and my Masters in public health, I'm like,
"Uh, inconsiderate! Selfish!"
(laughter)
Here go this other fool, "Nah, nigga,
-She thirsty as hell, Get money," -(laughter)
Wait, what? What? I didn't know, I wasn't,,,
wasn't prepared for this,
And it got worse, guys,
It got worse 'cause the next word,,,
was "reindeer,"
-Here he goes, -(laughter)
"Ahh, money!
I'ma have to walk you through this joint though,"
(laughter)
-If you don't hurry up, sir,,, -(laughter)
"Nah, but follow me, though, Follow me, though,
"Follow me, Follow me,
-"Okay, okay, okay, Ah, -(laughter)
(sighs)
"I got it, I got it, I got it,
"It's Christmas time, Right? Okay? Okay,
"Baby Jesus sleepin' in the manger,
(laughter)
My nigga, who brought him there though?"
(laughter)
(applause)
-I'm sorry, what version of the Bible do you have? -(laughter)
Is your nativity story from Bed-Stuy?
-What is,,, -(laughter)
'Cause, like, the way I grew up in my household,
we stressed education, bro, like, real talk, like, here's the thing,
This is how much Nigerians stress education,
If you are in here and you have a bachelor's degree,
like you have a bachelor's degree, clap your hands,
(applause)
-Leave, -(laughter)
'Cause for a Nigerian, a bachelor's degree is
literally the equivalent of a,,,
-honorable mention at a science fair, -(laughter)
They're like, "Well, you showed up,
-"You did something, We don't know, -(laughter)
There was a volcano, Ha, did it erupt?"
(laughter)
(in normal voice): Like, my mom wouldn't even let me play
with anybody who didn't make straight A's,
Like, real talk, You're like, "Ha, ha," Some of you are like,
"Mine didn't either, Mine didn't either,"
No, she didn't, My mom came to me one day,
She was like, "Yvonne, come here, come here, come here,
-(clicks tongue) "This Billy boy,,, -(laughter)
that you are just gallivanting the streets with anyhow,"
"Gallivanting"? I'm in third grade, Ma, where am I going?
(in accent): "Just gallivanting the streets with anyhow!
What kind of grades does he make?"
I was like, "Mom, I don't know," "Go and find out,"
(laughter)
Do you know how embarrassing that is?
But I had to do it,
I ran up on Billy during recess,
It's like, "Hey, Billy," He was playing tetherball, "Oh, hey,,, Sorry,
(laughter)
"Billy, I have a question, Um,,,
"It's gonna sound really awkward,
but what kind of grades do you make?"
He was like, "Um, I don't know, Like, B's and C's,
But I'm doing really well in PE!"
-(inhales, sighs) -(laughter)
-We not gonna make it, -(laughter)
But I'm hoping, I'm hoping that when I get home,
my mom won't know, So I'm like, you know,
tip-toeing into the house, I open the door, My mom,
"What did Billy say?"
(laughter)
"Um, well, Mom, Billy-- Billy says that he makes,,,
"You know, B's,,,
and C's,"
-"B's and what? -(laughter)
Yvonne, you can no longer play with Billy,"
"No, Mom! Billy is my friend!" "Billy is not your friend,
(laughter)
Billy is a vagabond," What?
(laughter)
She called this man a whole vagabond, y'all,
I don't even know what that is,
I'm 8 years old looking at the encyclopedia,
Va-- va-- va-- vaga,,,
-Dad: Yvonne was a very hardworking young girl, -Mom: She was,
-She was hardworking, She was smart, -Very hardworking,
Her GPA was always so high,
That made us think that Yvonne
was heading somewhere,
She said she was getting ready for her MCAT,
And we were very happy,
-Yeah, -But then,
so she decided to start making jokes,
Before we knew it, she going to New York,
We were like, oh my God,
Where is she heading to?
I had planned
that at least one of my children
would be a medical doctor,
Well, if she had made her choice,
that should be it,
Like Chinua Achebe says, you have only four options
as a Nigerian,
You're a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or disappointment,
-So, congratulations, -(laughter)
DJ Obi: When I started DJing, a cousin of mine,
he actually said, "Bro, go get a respectable job,"
-(chuckling) -And I'm like, "What do you mean?"
And then he asked me how much I was making,
and I asked him how much he was making, and I was like,
you sure you don't wanna be a DJ?
(laughter)
Yvonne: Burn!
Tosin Durotoye: My dad was conscious enough to say,
"I don't want you guys to feel
that you gave up on your dream 'cause that's kinda what I did,"
-Yeah, -So my father, even with his best intentions like,
(in accent): "Hey, so I know I said that you should
follow your dream, but can you, perhaps--"
Unfollow it!
"Take this exit to business school first,"
(laughter)
Chigul: My father called me on the phone,
My 30th birthday, "Hello?
Yes, Daddy, good morning,"
"Okay, what's next?"
(laughter)
When you have the pressure of your parents
in any way, shape, or form, either it's to succeed
or to get your life together,
-That is a huge motivating factor, -Tosin: It is,
But then it's also the reason why you need therapy,
(laughter)
Yvonne: My mom, she uses every opportunity
to remind me that I wasn't a doctor, Like,
I was helping her in the kitchen cook, I cut my finger,
Just a tiny cut, I'm bleeding, and I'm like,
"Mom, can you help me? You got anything? You got a Band-Aid?"
-"You bleeding, (clicks tongue) -(laughter)
"If you were a doctor,
-"you'd be giving yourself stitches by now! -(laughter)
"But you want to be a jester, Chee-chee!
Laugh and make yourself feel better!"
(laughter)
That's how you feel? Like, did you just call me a jester?
-I don't juggle balls, What are we doin'? -(laughter)
And my mom was the kind, like, she was the worst-case scenario kind of mom,
Like, she heard the worst-case scenario, I said, "Mom,
I wanna do comedy," She heard,
"So, you want to,,,
-"prostitute yourself all over the world! -(laughter)
"Is that what you want?
-You want it naked, your body for all to see?" -(laughter)
What do you think I do?
(laughter)
She heard the worst-case scenario,
It didn't matter, Like, I lived in Laurel, Maryland,
-Yeah, PG County, -(cheering)
Okay,
And right by our house was Laurel Mall,
So you know when you're young, like, you wanna go to the mall
with your brothers, your friends, or whatever--
Well, my one friend, Not friends, That was plural,
And I hit up my mom, I was like,
"Momma, I wanna go to the mall," My mom,
"The mall? Ha!"
Because here's the thing, We didn't believe in allowance, okay?
My mom didn't know what free money was,
She was like, "Allow what?
"Do I not allow you in my house?
-(laughter) -"Do I not allow you
food in your stomach?" I'm like, what?
So I'm like, "Mom, I wanna go to the mall,"
Here she goes, "What business, ah,
"does a poor person have
"at the mall?
Tell me, am I raising a thief?"
(laughter)
That's where your mind went to, Ma?
(laughter)
And it's hard for Nigerians to be, like,
happy for other Nigerians when, like,
you got something at home that's not all the way right,
Like, you understand? Like, for-- you laughin' 'cause you're like,
-"That's very true, It's very true,,," -(laughter)
We don't know how to be happy for other people 'cause, you know, when I was--
It took a while to get on this stage, y'all,
It was, like, seven, eight years of the struggle, okay?
-"The struggle," -(laughter)
And so my mom would be like, "Huh, well, (clicks tongue)
"You're doing something, I guess, with your life, but,,,
"in the meantime, did you hear?
"Naca, ha,
-has gotten engaged," -(laughter)
(laughing)
And I'm like, "Oh yeah, Like, I saw it on Facebook,"
-"So, you know," -(laughter)
I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah," "And how does that make
-you feel?" -(laughter)
I'm like, "Momma, I'm happy for her,"
"You're ha--
(laughter)
"You're happy for her,
"Well, tell me, Yvonne,
"When can I be happy for you?"
(applause, laughter)
I'm like, you're not? What is,,,
What is happening?
But that's how they encourage us,
-Encouragement through comparison and shame, Just,,, -(laughter)
Like, "You're just happy, You're just happy for everybody,
-while you're struggling, Okay," -(laughter)
But you roll up on my mom today, it's a different story,
You roll up on Celine? What?
"Do you have HBO?
(laughter)
(applause)
(cheering)
"No, Home Box Office, Yes,
"Home Box Office, Yes, That's where my daughter is,
"No, she's no longer doing public health, It's HBO,
-"HBO, -(laughter)
Yes, No, if you don't have it, it's because you're poor,"
(laughter)
I'm like, Ma, you don't have it, too,
Took that joint off, Took that joint off,
But here's the thing, like, it's like, you know,
we all do everything we do,
no matter what profession you are,
to help our parents, We all wanna make it,
-so we can help them out, am I right? -(applause)
There you guys are,
Uh-oh, Yvonne, (laugh)
-What are you guys doing out here? -Mom: Welcome home!
Yvonne: Thank you,
-Oh my goodness, -Welcome,
You saw me yesterday,
(laughter)
-And you told me things to get for you, -Mom: Oh my goodness,
-I got your peppers, -Uh-oh,
-(laughs) -Uh-oh!
-Your strawberry jam, -Oh wow,
(speaks foreign language)
Oh, you got my plastic wrap,
Someone's raisin bread,
That's my raisin bread, Oh wow,
-I got your bagels, -Oh yeah, Cinnamon raisin, yes,
I requested for-- What about my lettuce, my dear?
-Well, I didn't get your lettuce, -Dad: Eh,,,
-Mom: Oh! -Dad: I love salad,
-I love salad, -Momma, there's lettuce here,
-Not like romaine lettuce, -They were recalled,
-The lettuces, I don't know, I don't-- They were-- -Mom: Why?
-I looked all over for the lettuce, -Mom: My goodness,
-It's okay, -It's okay,
This is for you, Mommy,
Oh wow,
When you see a good gift like this, you are shaking
to open it, Oh my goodness,
-Wow, this is,,, -Yvonne: Louis Vuitton,
Louis Vuitton bag,
Oowee!
I'll make sure I hold it up like this when I'm walking,
Yes, Just like that,
(laughter)
How will you hold it, Mommy?
-How will you? Like that? -Like this,
(laughing)
This is really the original, You know there are some fake ones here,
(laughter)
-Only the original for you, Mommy, -This is absolutely gorgeous,
But, oh God, the lettuce now,
I'm sorry, I didn't bring your lettuce,
I'm not being ungrateful, you know,
(laughter)
But, you know I love lettuce,
Yvonne: I would do anything for my parents,
I'm like, there's nothing that I wouldn't do,
But see, my mom, she doesn't, like,
outright ask for things, Nah, Never,
She just insinuates everything,
'Cause my parents, like, split their time
between Laurel and Nigeria,
And so, you know, recently, my mom was like,
"What month is it,,, What,,,
"Oh my goodness gracious, Ah!
"Is it time for us to go home already?
(laughter)
"Hey! And we have not bought our tickets,
(laughter)
"Yvonne, Yvonne, come, Please, bring your computer,
-"Bring your computer, -(laughter)
"Come on, help me look for tickets, Please, ah,
-"Oh, my knees bend,,, -(laughter)
"This my arthritis is acting up, Oh my God,
"What seats are available?
(laughter)
"No, Wow, look at all of that legroom,,,
-"in first class, -(laughter)
"All of those people enjoying their life,
(laughter)
"Oh my good-- It would be nice
"to travel first class,,,
-before I die," -(laughter)
(in normal voice): Before you die, Ma?!
-What did the doctor tell you? Like,,, -(laughter)
ever since we were growing up, my mom's favorite phrase
to use to get us to do something is,
-"It is my one dying wish!" -(laughter)
You've been dying since we were in fifth grade, You good, like, you good,
I don't,,, I don't trust you no more,
Now, I don't mind helping my momma,
I don't mind helping my dad,
I don't mind helping my immediate family, No,
'cause I rocks with them,
It's them other niggas in my family though,
-Ahh! -(laughter)
That extended family,
-Keep them all the way extended, -(laughter)
But, I had this one uncle,
This one uncle, he just would ride me
every time he would see me, Like, "Yvonne,
I,,, I just don't understand, I don't understand,"
I don't know why he talked with his elbow so far back,
(laughter)
"I just, I don't understand, You know, you have
"two degrees, Two of them,
Use one," What?
(laughter)
Such a jerk,
And mind you, mind you, he has known me
my whole life, My whole entire life,
This uncle, Now, as a success,
every time he sees me,
-"Molly! Ahh! -(laughter)
"Molly girl!
Look at my niece, Molly!" I'm like, nigga,
-it is Yvonne to you, okay? -(laughter)
It's always been Yvonne,
-He drives Uber now, -(laughter)
No, that's no shade, No shade,
-I mean, one of us made it, -(laughter)
That was shade,
But he's, like, pimping me out, He's pimping me out
to his passengers
because I'll get DMs all the time, Like,
"Hey Yvonne, I was just in an Uber with your uncle?"
And I don't even-- I'm like, how does that even happen?
How does that conversation even start?
Like, I can see him in the car like,
"Where are you going? Okay, okay,
"Union Station, That's interesting,
"You know, this is the same way
"I would take to drop off my niece,
-"Molly! -(laughter)
"From 'Insecure'! Do you know it?"
-It's like, can we go and drive? -(laughter)
But nah, I take regular Ubers,
Like I told you, Don't let these HBO checks fool you,
-I am frugal, -(laughter)
I still take regular Ubers,
Like, bump Uber Blacks? No, Just XL,
-One of you might give me a ride home later tonight, -(laughter)
(laughs)
But one of my funniest-- one of my funniest Uber experiences
happened in Atlanta, It was an old--
-(lone cheer) -Alright, okay,
Atlanta, calm down, There's two of you,
-(laughter) -"Whoa!"
Nobody asked,
(laughter)
But I got in an Uber with this old black man,
One thing I have noticed is, like,
old black men from the South,,,
(singing): Don't care about your feelings,
-(laughter) -They have no qualms
with telling you exactly how they feel,
So, I got in the car, and he was like, "Hey!
"You-- you look like that girl from the show,
"Oh my goodness,
"You look just like the girl from the show,
Just from the show,"
(laughter)
And I was-- You know you have that split second of like,
do I wanna engage today?
-Let's have some fun, -(laughter)
So, I was like, "I'm sorry, what-what show are you talking about?"
"Um, what's it called? What's the name of that show?
(laughter)
"It's that-that Insecurity, Yeah, that's what it is,
-Insecurity," -(laughter)
I was like, "Oh yeah, You know, I,,,
I've heard of it,,, What is, what is it about?"
-"Oh, well, uh,,, -(laughter)
"It's about these-these two black girls,,,
who make bad decisions,"
(laughter)
He's not wrong, okay?
He's like, "Yeah,
"because you got the one girl, You got the one girl,
-You got the Isis, You got the Isis," -(laughter)
I'm in the backseat texting Issa like, "He called you Isis, girl!
-(laughter) -You know where Osama's at?"
He's like, "Yeah, you got the Isis,
"You know, she did what all black girls do,
She go cheat on him, come back crying,"
-I was like,,, -(laughter)
-Said, "Sir, I think you're projecting a little bit," -(laughter)
Like, who hurt you, okay? Who hurt you?
So, I was ready to, like, you know what? I don't wanna do this anymore,
I'm about to put in my headphones,
And then he was like, "You know, but she got this one friend,"
-Oh, hold on, -(laughter)
Come again?
He's like, "Yeah, you know, she got this one friend,
"That Molly, Hoo,
Molly with the body," Ooh, no,
(laughter)
I don't want it, I don't want it,
Like, "Yeah, that Molly with the body,
Pretty young thing, too, She a pretty young thing,"
-I said, oh, you know, keep going, -(laughter)
-"You know, but she dumb, -(laughter)
Just dumb, So dumb,"
He said dumb so hard, I had to encourage myself in the Lord,
(laughter)
I was like, "Oh, he not talkin' about you,
-(laughter) -"It's a character, okay?
You is smart, You is kind,,,"
-Audience: You is important! -(cheering)
Announcer: Welcome Yvonne Orji, She came to us
all the way from Los Angeles,
-What's poppin', Lagos? -(cheering)
Yvonne: What's different coming back home on this side of fame,
it's people knowing who you are, but also seeing
- your name in a way, -Hello, sir,
When I land at the airport, when I walk through
the streets of Lagos, it's like, "Oh my God,
-(honk) -You're Yvonne Orji," You know who, um,
this one girl, what's her name, Yvonne Orji?
Have you heard of her?
(in English):
Okay, okay, No shaking,
If you saw her on the street, would you recognize her?
(in English):
Okay, what does she look like?
-She's not that fat? Okay, -Yeah,
(in English):
Ah! She was chatting with you on Facebook?
-You don't know her? At all? -(in English):
At least he was honest, He don't know me,
Oh man, But, I can't front, y'all,
I am living my best black life right now,
(cheering)
Recently, I got a chance to do
something I didn't really think I'd be able to do, y'all, I,,,
I enrolled in autopay,
(laughter, cheering)
What are you doing?! What are you doing?!
(cheering)
What?! Lemme tell you right now,
You got to be real confident in your finances,,,
(laughter)
to be like, "Hold up, You want your check when?
On the 12th? Nigga, then take it then!"
(cheering)
(laughs) Hey, hey!
It did not always used to be that way!
I'm telling you, The years of struggle,
I used to have team pep talks to myself,
"Alright, everybody, huddle in, huddle in, huddle in,
"Alright, it's Friday, Accounts is lookin' kinda low, Okay,
-"We got $47 to make it through the weekend, alright? -(laughter)
"So listen, here's what we're gonna do, It's Friday, Ahh,,,
"We can go Chipotle, but no guac,
"Okay? No guac, Get that out your mind, Um,,,
"Ah, the way it's looking,
you can put seven on pump 11, Alright, break on three, Boom!"
You got it mapped out! You know how this is gonna end,
You go to sleep, feeling good about your choices,
your decisions, You forget
that there was one, one payment pending,
(audience ohhing)
You go to sleep,
You wake up to all these alerts,
(laughter)
-Negative 35? Negative,,, -(laughter)
You call the bank mad, "Hello?
(laughter)
"Nah, I don't know no Sprint!
(laughter)
I checked the box? Nigga, uncheck it then!"
(laughter)
These overdraft fees are
-the trick of the enemy, That's what they are, -(laughter)
It's not the will of God for my life, I rebuke them,
Anybody here, I rebuke the threat of overdraft fees,
(applause, cheering)
I release the freedom of autopay
for your children's children's children's children,
-(cheering) -Girl, you better receive!
-(applause) -You better,,,
(laughing)
No, but it's real serious, It's funny 'cause you know
when you were dating before, you'd be like,
"You better find out what his credit score is, girl,"
-Not me, I'm like, "I'm sorry, Are you on autopay or,,, -(laughter)
where are we in our life, okay?"
Yeah, I am single, I am single, Yes,
(cheering)
Single and happy, I am,,,
(laughter)
I'm so-- I'm so happy, Oh my God, I'm so,,,
(nervous laugh) I'm so ha,,,
So happy about it,
(laughter)
This is how single I am, I,,,
I recently went to an event that was
put together by this organization called
-"The 100 Black Men," Anybody familiar? Yeah, -(lone clap)
Still couldn't find one, Don't clap, Still could not find one,
Perhaps I should've asked the 100 white women
that they were all married to for some advice,
(audience ohhing)
No, no, no, that's not even a put-down, Seriously!
Kimberly, how can I, too, get a Darnell in my life?
(laughter)
Help me help me, okay?
-Each one, reach one, -(laughter)
And here's the thing, I found out that the hardest question
to ask a black man is this,
Ladies, you've all been there,
You might've just met him out on the streets,
out on the club, whatever, You vibing with a dude
at a house party, Whatever have you,
Okay? You're like, "Oh my God, you're so amazing,
"You're so dope, oh my God, And you work out,
(laughter)
"You read books, This is amazing, yeah,
"Yeah, yeah,, we should totally exchange information, But,
"this is such a silly question, but I have to ask,
"Are you, by chance, like,
-single?" -(laughter)
"Ahh,,,
(applause, laughter)
"Like, like, when you say single though,,,
(laughter)
"like, what you mean?
-Like, define single," -(laughter)
I had a dude look me in my eye, and he was like,
"I mean, I got somebody at home that care about me,"
(laughter, applause)
"Sir, so do I, I call her Mom, What are you talkin' about?"
Yes or no!
-(laughter) -And like,
Nigerians don't know how to take no for an answer, They don't,,,
Listen, they don't know how to take no,
You meet a Nigerian at a club, They'll be like,
(in accent): "Oh, you are looking very sexy, You are look-- Ah, look at you,
-'You lookin' 'zexy,' -(laughter)
So, do you have a boyfriend?"
"Oh, um, sir, um,,,
I-I actually do," "Uh-huh,,,
-"Well, where is he? Is he here? -(laughter)
"I don't see him, Obviously, he does not love you,
(laughter)
"He allowed you out of the house by yourself,
I'm just saying,"
You're like, "No, sir, I'm-- I'm actually okay,"
"Just give me one dance, Just give me one dance,
-(laughter) -"One dance,
Like Drake, Just give me one dance,"
You're like, "Sir, you know what?
Actually, my feet hurts," "Your feet hurts?
No, let me look at it, I'm a doctor, No, let me look at it,"
(sigh)
(laughter)
And there's so many rules now, I can't keep up,
There's so many, There's, like, so much dating etiquette,
I don't know what all the rules are because, apparently, ladies,
when you out on a date, on a first date,
you can't order more than the guy orders,
There is like-- She's like, "F that!"
(laughter)
Hungry, hungry hippo over here, "I order whatever I want!"
-"F"-- (laughs) -(laughter)
Apparently, there's like a salary cap,
You know, there's like a debt ceiling, you know, to what you can order,
so it just makes for awkward opportunities,
You're just, like, out on a date with a guy, you're like,
"So, what are you gonna order?
"The chicken marsala? What page is that on?
-(laughter) -Okay, 15, okay, let's see,"
You're looking, you're like,
"How much? 13,50,
-Well, there goes that drink I was gonna get," -(laughter)
The waitress comes over, you all mad, She's like,
"Can I get your drink order?"
"Um,,, Can I please just get a water?
"With extra lemons and extra sugar?
(laughter)
"Nah, I don't want a lemonade, I know what I said,
-"I said I want a water,,, -(laughter)
with--"
And ladies, at the end of the night, we do the stupid thing,
We do the stupid thing when the bill comes,
We call it the fake reach, "Are you gonna,,,"
-(gibberish) -(laughter)
Fellas, lemme tell you right now,
(singing): We don't wanna help!
(laughter)
-No, No, -(applause)
We don't wanna-- We're not even speaking English,
We're like, "We're gonna tip?"
-(gibberish) -(laughter)
We're not reaching in our bags for anything but some Altoids
-we left in there, okay? -(laughter)
We're hoping that by the time we get here, you're like,
"Nah, I got it," Oh good, Okay, good,
-(laughter) -Just bring us back, okay?
This fool had me reaching so far and so long,
-I came back up with money, I was like,,, -(laughter)
He was like, "Oh, you wanna go half?" I said, "I wanna go home!
Get me outta here! What's wrong with you?"
(laughter)
No, the fake reach, We don't wanna do it,,,
And ladies, you know we can be trifling, too,
Let's be honest, Let's just-- She's like,
-"Ah, yeah, we can," -(laughter)
We can be trifling, too, because here's the thing,
When I was broke, I used to do this thing where I would go, um,
-on dates for food, -(laughter)
We've all done it, okay?
Some women get lonely, they make booty calls,
I got hungry, I made foodie calls, okay?
(laughter)
And fellas, if you're not quite sure how a foodie call goes,
you might be on one right now,
(laughter)
You're welcome!
It usually happens when you meet a girl, you think you vibing,
You're like, "Oh my gosh, She was mad cool,"
Meanwhile, you don't know she talkin' to her friends in the group chat,
Like, "Jerome is such a bum, I would never, okay?
-(laughter) -"I would never,
Ever, ever, ever, would I, okay?"
(laughter)
Three to six months later, same girl goes home,
-and opens her fridge,,, -(laughter)
and all she got in there is some spotted bananas,
(laughter)
(sighs)
-"Lemme see what this fool talkin' about, -(laughter)
"Hello?
"Hey, Jerome!
"What's up? Yeah, it's me, Yvonne!
-"Why you sound so surprised? -(laughter)
"Oh, you right, I did tell you never to call me again,
-"You know I be joking! Stop! -(laughter)
"That's what I do for a living, Um,,,
"So, I mean, did you still wanna grab a bite?
-"Yeah, the Cheesecake Factory, Yes, -(laughter)
"Like, tonight, Tonight,
"No, tonight would be amazing, Yes,
"No, I'll meet you there, You still can't know where I live,
-Okay, bye!" -(laughter)
Fellas, that is a foodie call, okay? You're welcome,
But you know, I went on this date recently,
(sighs) And the guy, he was different, He was different,
His name was Hunter Walker,
And Hunter, Hunter was asking me questions that I--
Like, he was asking me, like, amazing questions, He was like,
"Yvonne, you know, what kind of food do you like?"
I said, "(scoff) Well,,,
-"lobster, (clicks tongue) -(laughter)
And shrimp,"
He was like, "Oh, Well, why don't you get
-the whole seafood platter?" -(audience ohhing)
"I'm sorry, seafood platter? What page is that on?"
(laughter)
And right then and there, y'all,
I already knew I'm not reaching for that thing tonight
because it don't even have a price,
-It just said "market value," -(laughter)
(applause, cheering)
Brother, I don't know what the value of the market is today,
-but I hope you got it! -(laughter)
(laugh)
And as the date was going on, I was like,
"This brother is so-- Oh my God, he's amazing!"
This man looked me in my eye, y'all, and he was like,
"Yvonne,,," (sighs) Can't believe
he asked me the most "beautifulest" question in the world,
He said, "Yvonne,
would you like an appetizer?"
(laughter)
(applause)
(mouthing)
-Hallelujah! -(laughter)
Would I like an appe-- Brother, do you know how long it's been
since I've seen the front of a menu?
-(laughter) -Like, these options are real?
Yes! I was like, ah!
So, the whole time, I'm waiting for the night to end,
I'm like, okay, lemme see how this goes,
'Cause I was looking around for the waitress,
He's like, "Yvonne, what are you doing?"
I was like, "Oh, I'm just trying to get
the waitress' attention for the bill," (scoffs)
"Yvonne, relax,
"I gave the waitress my credit card
"before we even sat down to eat,
(applause, cheering)
It's already been paid for,"
(laughter)
I'm sorry, I think I'm lactating,
(laughter)
Pretty sure I'm having your babies right now,
(laughter)
But then at the end of the night, I'm like, "So,
"this is a silly question, but I gotta ask,
Are you, by chance, single?"
"Ahh,,,"
(laughter)
Not you, too! Dang it,
And ladies, I know we are all out here
making our vision boards,
(laughter)
Y'all out here patchwork quilting your man,
like he's a Build-A-Bear,
-Build-A-Nigga, -(laughter)
Listen, standards are yours to set, as high or as low as you want,
Your st-- I hate when people are like, "Your standards are high,"
Nope, you just can't meet them, That's what that is,
(cheering)
My priorities though have shifted, Like, I still want
a fine man, but like, oof,
I need you to be, like, in therapy, love God, and read books,
-You know? -(applause)
I need that 'cause I can't be
the only one doin' the work in the relationship,
I can't be unpacking my trauma,
and then your issues spring up for no reason 'cause it's you, Um,,,
(laughter)
And then you gotta read books, bro,
because I need somebody that's smart, you know what I mean?
Somebody that can, like, conjugate a verb is sexy,
You know what I'm sayin'? Know how not to use a comma splice,
-What? -(laughter)
Also, you know why the caged bird sings? Well, nigga,
-sing me a song and set me free then, okay? -(laughter)
That's beautiful to me
'cause the reality is, like, cute is cute, you know,
but you can cover up stuff that's not all the way, right?
You got messed-up teeth,
-Invisalign will help you fix that, -(laughter)
You can't cover up stupid,
'Cause stupid will show up on you,
and the problem is when stupid shows up, it's too late,
You in the car with seat belts on, Like, oh my God,
-(laughter) -Ah!
-(inaudible) -(laughter)
'Cause it got me, It got me,
I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know,
I went out on a date with this guy,
Went to a really nice restaurant, and they brought out
olives with almonds in olive oil,
So, olives, almonds, and olive oil, I was like,
"Oh, this is different, This is nice, Lemme see,,,
"That's cute, Okay, I like it, It's like a little crunch
-and a little salt, Okay," -(laughter)
So, I'm taking it to the head like, "Oh, this is good,"
And I realized halfway through
he's not touching it, Like,,,
Here he goes,
"Ahh,,, Real talk,
I really don't rock with green grapes like that,"
(laughter)
(mouthing)
(laughter)
How did you get here?
Nobody's supposed,,,
-Audience: To be here! -(applause)
-Can't cover up stupid, -(laughter)
-So, just edit your vision boards, -(laughter)
But I feel like right now, my parents are desperate,
They are really desperate to get me married off, Like,
the first nigga show up at my house with a goat
-might be the right one, I don't know, -(laughter)
Mom: We pray about it that someday,,,
-The right person will come, -,,,the right person will come,
She's been a good kid from beginning
and all through her life,
She has not come into the house with,,,
-,,,this man today, this one tomorrow, -The wrong person, Yeah,
-We have not seen her-- -So, we're praying for her,
We know it's gonna happen,
Yes,
-Is that papa's meeting house? -Yes, that's papa's meeting house,
-Wow, Look at all the old (indistinct), -Yes,
So, there's seven high chiefs,
-Yes, Yes, -High kings,,,
-,,,and Papa was one of them, -One of them, yes,
When you,,,
-,,,getting married, -Oh God,
this is where we do the traditional rites,
-(laugh) Uh-huh, -We'll bless you,,,
This is where you negotiate my bride price,
Yes, this where we negotiate the bride price with my cousins,
So, about how much do you think it will start at, Daddy?
What's my bride price? What's the base level?
I might say I need $10 million,
-10 million? The bride price is high, -Yes,
-And go higher still, Go higher, -Yes,
But by the end of the day, I might just take one dollar,
-(laugh) -(indistinct) Why one dollar?
-Am I a stripper? Am I a prostitute? -It's just symbolic,
-(laughing) -It's just symbolic,
-Yvonne: $10 million, -Yes, we will try
-to put it at $10 million, But at the end of the day,,, -(laughing)
-I know, -,,,I know how much I will take from them,
Yvonne: This is the only dating advice my dad ever gave me,
He was like, "Yvonne, listen to me, and listen to me very well,
"You cannot date,,,
until you get married,"
(laughter)
Okay, I guess it's working, I took his advice,
-(laughter) -Seriously,
it's the worst! Like, my mom--
this is what my mom told me,
She said, "Yvonne, if I see you with a boy,
I will put pepper in your ahnoos!"
(laughter)
I didn't know what body part the "ahnoos" was,
-(laughter) -And I didn't wanna find out, I didn't wanna find out,
I was like, yeah, I think she means anus, but, you know,,,
Who's asking which question?
(laughter)
I couldn't even have boys calling my house,
I could not, My dad would intercept all the phone calls,
I had a study partner named Ethan,
(sighs) Ethan called, He was like, "Hey, Mr, Orji,
I'd really love to talk to Yvonne,"
-"What are the particulars,,, -(laughter)
of your conversations with my daughter?"
"Oh, I just wanna go over the algebra homework,"
-"Algebra,,, -(laughter)
"Is that what you young people are calling it these days?
(laughter)
Okay, hold on,"
I get on, me and Ethan are going like, "Yeah, no, no, no,
"I saw the angles, too, but I just didn't know
how to find the formula for--"
Suddenly, all I hear is this,,,
-(exhale) -(laughter)
I'm like, "Ethan, are you okay?" "Yvonne, that's not me!"
(laughter)
-"That's weird," (exhales) -(laughter)
"Hold on, Dad? Dad?"
-"Oh, you thought I was going to hang up the phone? -(laughter)
-"In my own house? -(applause)
You're not serious," Like, my parents were so disciplined,
The problem is they ask me
the same questions as they did when I was younger,
My answers have not changed, but their responses have,
So when I was younger, they were like, "Yvonne,
are you dating anybody?" I'm like,
"No, Mom, I'm not," "Very good, (chuckles)
"This is our daughter, She reads,
-All she does is read for a living," -(laughter)
Now, at 36, my mom is like, "Yvonne,
"are you dating anybody at all?! Jesus Christ!
Anybody?!"
(laughter)
Like, "No, Mom,"
"This girl has finished us, We should have left her
-"back in Nigeria, -(laughter)
What about your friend, Billy?" Like,,,
(laughter)
(applause)
(scoffs) I'm like, "Mom, you called him a vagabond,"
-"That was so long ago! -(laughter)
Uh-uh! Call him and find out what he's up to!"
(laughter)
And my mom,
she leaves me voicemails all the time,
Like, "Yvonne,
this is your mother," I'm aware,
(laughter)
"I just wanted to let you know
-"that time waits for nobody, -(laughter)
"You are no longer a spring chicken,
-Happy birthday," -(laughter)
(applause)
-'Cause my dad joined Facebook, y'all, -(audience murmuring)
To socially network me, That's the problem, right?
And I knew it was him because I, you know,,,
I saw the friend request come in, and it had
-all his chief titles on it, -(laughter)
Was like, "Chief,,," I was like, oh, nope,
-(laughter) -I did what any self-respecting child would do,
I ignored it, But at the time,
I didn't know my dad knew anything about Facebook,
so I was at their house in the kitchen, minding my business,
Here comes my dad down the stairs, He's like, "Heh,
"this is a very interesting sight,
(laughter)
"So, you think that you will ignore
"my request for friendship?
(laughter)
"On this, your face, your book,
(laughter)
"And continue to eat from my fridge?
(laughter)
"Like two coconuts
"growing on a mango tree,
something is not right," (mouthing)
-(laughter) -What are these proverbs, bro?
So, I had to accept it, I had to accept it, And now,
he's taking every picture I've ever taken in my life,
-he's tagging me on it, -(audience ohhing)
He's like, "This is my daughter,
-"She is ripe for marriage, -(laughter)
"Inbox me for more information,
(laughter)
Her ovulation days are--" I was like, what the heck?
-(laughter) -I was like,
"Dad, did you just call me ripe on the worldwide web?"
But when you're 36, you know, your feelings are a little different,
Like, "Hey, Dad, did anybody,,,
(laughter)
"What these messages lookin' like though?
-(laughter) -The people wanna know,"
But as desperate as my parents are,
I feel like they for sure would take some, like,
real unorthodox measures to get me married off,
Like for instance, I used to live
in the former kidnapping capital of Nigeria, It's a town called
-Port Harcourt, -(scattered applause)
-Yeah, She made it out, -(laughter)
(laughs) And it dawned on me,
I was like, man, this is crazy to think like this,
but God forbid I ever get kidnapped,
I just don't think my parents would ask the right questions,
-(laughter) -You know what I mean?
It's like I could see the kidnapper calling my house,
It's like, "Mr, Orji, we have your daughter,"
(scoff) My dad,
-"What are the particulars of,,, -(laughter)
your conversations with my daughter?"
"Oh, I,,, I'm talking about her ransom," "Ransom, Ha, ha,
Is that what you young people are calling it these days?"
My mom over here, She's like, "Oh, no!
"No, Mister Kidnapper! You have my daughter,
"Not my only daughter, please!
Whatever the ransom is, I will pay it,"
"Okay, okay, well,,,
the ransom is $1 million,"
-"One million what? -(laughter)
"Ha! Mister Kidnapper, me?
-"A whole me? -Audience: A whole me?
At that price, you can come and kidnap me, too,"
(laughter and applause)
So now, they start haggling, He's like, "Okay, okay, okay,
How much do you want to pay?"
My mom, "For you,,,
-(muttering) -(laughter)
"Okay, my daughter, she's not marri--
"Hold on, wait, Mister Kidnapper, what is that your name?
"Obina, Obina, That's a very nice name, Obina,
-"what kind of grades did you make in school? -(laughter)
"Oh, you studied engineering?
"But kidnapping is how you pay your student loans, I understand,
-(laughter) -"Obina, are you, by chance,
-"married? -(laughter)
You are not?" (chuckles)
(singing): When Jesus saves us,,,
Nobody can say no, Ha!
(speaking): "Any children? No,
Please, yeah, put my daughter on the phone,"
I get on the phone, I'm crying, "Mommy, I'm so scared--"
-"Yvonne, shut up your mouth! -(laughter)
"Don't you see? (sighs)
"What the devil,,,
"meant for your evil,,,
(cheering)
-"God has turned it around for your good! -(laughter)
"This Obina boy seems like a very nice young man,
"He has even set your price far above rubies,
-(laughter) -"One million dol--
"Who else is asking that kind of bride price for you?
(laughter)
"So, just relax yourself,
"You are in your husband's place now,
(laughter, clapping)
"And finally, I can be happy,,,
-,,,for you," -Audience: For you,
DC, you've been amazing! God bless you!
-(cheering) -(hip-hop playing)
We did it, DC!
(cheering)
Interviewer:
(laughs) They said that?
Oh, well that's great, I'm-- you know what?
God bless it, I will continue then
to make fun of them onstage because they are,,,
(whispers): my money maker,
-First to five, You got it? You ready for this? -Mom: Uh-huh,
Go time, No more games, Mom,
-Mom: Go ahead, -Yvonne: I'm fortunate
to still have my mom and dad with me,
-Mom, that is not fair! You can't go under the net! -(laughing)
Yvonne: I hope it's a long, long time, But, for me,
these moments are special,
-Ha! Alright, -(clap)
I get to share them, and share their stories,
with not just myself, but with the world,
My mom's two brothers,
You see the resemblance,
They're not twins, but they are dressed like twins,
My big brother, This is the brother that's right before me,
He's a boxer,
-Molly! Molly! -Yvonne: Say it like you mean it!
-Molly! -Molly my girl!
I had no other choice but to be a tomboy,
-You all would throw me-- -We didn't know the difference between a girl and a boy,
so we,,, we treated her as one of us,
and that made her the tough,,,
girl she is today, The tough woman she is today,
You are going to climb,,,
-,,,on and on and on and on, -On and on and on,
Amen,
-I know it, I feel it in my heart, -Yes,
She's very proud of you now, Very, very proud,
-Yvonne: Thank you, I know, - And she loves you very, very much,
Yvonne: I'm calling the comedy special "Momma, I Made It"
'cause I used to host this comedy show in New York,
And I was broke,
And I remember just saying, you know,
all all of us want, who are chasing any dream,
want is to be able to make that phone call home,
Be like, "Momma, I did it! Momma, I made it!"