Yeah, I hear you,
I hear you,
No, I'm not,
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not near the prison,
I'm waiting for him near the bus station,
Oh my God,
How many times we have to go over this,
Mom you're making it out
like he's Pablo Escobar or something,
20 pounds of weed,
Yeah, I know,
I know, I know, I know how much it was,
I was there, it was a lot, but he's my best friend,
Yeah, and plus if it wasn't for him,
we would've all gotten busted,
Okay, yeah mama, mom, I know, I know,
I got call you back, okay?
Okay, bye,
There he is, fresh out of prison, hey!
You did it brother,
Okay, that's you,
Man, I can believe it man,
Man, you took your jumpsuit?
- Yeah, - Yeah?
A memento I guess,
It kinda stuck with me after six years,
I can dig it,
We can put it on the wall,
frame it like it's your championship Jersey,
Everybody gotta come in and take a picture with it,
They'd be like,
- I don't think so, - No, Okay, all right,
Oh, I hope you're hungry though
'cause I brought your favorite,
No, a double?
You know it brother,
I'd kill for one of those right now,
Hey, hey, hey, relax man,
We don't want you to go back in there,
You ain't gotta kill no one,
I'm just joking, I'm just joking,
I was just joking,
A little jokey joke you know,
To soon, maybe?
- You think? - A little bit?
Come on, a little,
I missed you dog,
Man, I missed these so much,
Yeah, you used to order like three at a time
when we were in college,
True, I was a little hog boy,
No you weren't,
Man, look at this,
These used to be tight on me,
I had a kangaroo pouch for a stomach,
Damn man, you're little,
Can I see your papers?
Yeah, of course,
Well, it doesn't get anymore realer than that,
You're a free man,
Cheers to that,
- My bad! - Man!
Okay look, I'll clean it,
I'll clean it,
Dude, what are you doing?
It's better just to remove the stain with one big lick
and then you just tap, tap, tap, tap,
You dab it with some napkins
that way it doesn't spread everywhere,
- Who says that? - Says me man and everybody,
One time before a job interview,
I spilled syrup on my resume and then I licked it off
with one clean swipe,
I mean, I didn't say I got the job but still,
Well, it's not that bad I guess,
It could be worse,
Hell yeah, it could be worse man,
You're out of that shit hole,
Shit, I mean I still can't believe it,
Six years?
Yeah,
- Crazy, - Hey, by the way man,
I really appreciate letting me stay with you
until I find a job,
Yeah, of course man,
Of course, like I said, I got plenty of room for you,
Hey, it's gonna be fun man,
like college all over again,
Yeah, but I promise as soon as I get a job,
I'll help you with the rent,
Hey, stop, stop that, man,
Look, I got you,
I'm making more than enough to cover the rent,
Oh, because of your clothing line?
You damn right 'cause of my clothing line,
Say that again that sound pretty good,
Because of your clothing line,
So it's going well, huh?
Yeah, yeah it is actually,
You know to be honest man,
I really wasn't expecting it to be this much work,
It's kinda taking up my whole life
but yeah I mean, that's part of the reason
why I couldn't visit you at all the last few months,
But yeah anyway, like I said man, I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry about that,
Hey look, don't worry about it,
I totally understand,
But if there's anything I can do, just let me know,
I got pretty good at doing dishes and sweeping floors, so,
I'll keep that in mind,
I got a French maid outfit in the closet,
Shut the fuck up,
All right man, let's get out of here,
I gotta show you something,
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter,com/kaboomskull M_I_SForEver
Right, here we are,
Holy shit, this is your house,
Oh no, no, no, man,
this is the Share Pad we're staying at for the night,
- A what? - Share Pad,
Right, Share Pad wasn't really a thing
when we were in college,
Okay wait, I'm confused,
if this isn't your house then why are we here?
Okay, so we rented this house to stay at for the tonight,
- Who's we? - Kate and I,
We rented it from, what's his name?
It's Dylan Baker,
- What? - The house is Dylan Baker's,
No, who the fuck is Dylan Baker?
Did you say that was coming here today?
- Yeah, - Shit,
Okay, okay, okay, now look,
let's rewind a bit,
Okay look, first off, a Share Pad is like a hotel
but you can stay at random people's houses,
That sounds like a terrible idea,
But actually it's a million dollar idea,
And also Kate and I, we were planning
to throw you a little surprise party
for your getting out of prison,
A surprise party?
It was most of her idea not mine,
Also she invited Alison and Pete,
- What? - Yeah,
No, no man, I'm not ready to see them yet,
I mean, okay look Allison's one thing but Pete?
Okay, I know man,
I know, I know,
Look, it may seem like it could be a lot all right
but let's just try, it could be fun,
Can we just go back to your house, get a case of beer
and just drink till we pass out or something?
- I'm serious, - I know you are all right,
but we can do the same thing here,
Okay come on, come on,
let's at least just take a look inside, all right?
Maybe it'll change your mind?
- Fine, - Fine, yeah?
But only because this burger's going right through me,
Hey, whatever it takes to get you in the house my man,
We got a lot of toilet paper inside too big dog,
Come on, it's gonna be good,
So what do you think?
Yeah, it's a nice,
Where's the bathroom,
Oh, it's straight here to the left,
It's one night,
I get to see Kate,
All right, I'm in,
Good, cause the turkey's already in defrosted,
I can see that,
You're really going all out for this, huh?
Oh, not just me, everyone's bringing a dish for tonight,
Of course they are,
Okay dude, you got to be the first person
who has ever complained
about their getting out of prison party,
That's because getting out of prison parties
aren't really a thing,
Oh, they're not a thing?
No,
You don't think rappers turn up when they get out of jail?
You don't think those big wig millionaires
that get busted for embezzlement don't know
how to throw a little soiree with hookers and strippers?
I'll call you some hookers if you want,
I got one on speed dial right now,
Jay, I went to jail
for the possession and distribution of marijuana,
I really don't think that warrants a party,
Yeah, it does dude,
It definitely warrants a party,
Peter went to the drunk tank for 20 hours in college
and we threw him a rager,
You definitely deserve one man,
Fine, you made your point, we'll throw the party,
I'm just really tired man,
All right okay look, take a nap,
Where?
Anywhere man, pick a room,
I can just pick a room?
It doesn't matter?
I don't think you really get the concept of this,
We own the house tonight,
We can do whatever we want,
Fine, then I pick the master bedroom,
All right then Mr, Grumpy,
Don't call me Mr, Grumpy,
Okay, Mr Happy-ish,
Thin ice,
How thin is it?
Can I skate on it or will I fall through?
You say the dumbest shit sometimes,
Here we are,
There are towels in the bathroom and I'll be downstairs
in the kitchen if you need me,
Yeah, thanks,
Get some rest man,
Hey Jay, do you have any clothes I can borrow man?
Tyler?
Kate,
Well, don't just stand there, give me a hug,
I should probably put on some clothes first,
I think it's fine, I've seen you naked,
It's so good to see you,
It's good to see you too,
I missed you,
Same,
So, how does it feel?
Yeah I mean, it's kind of weird but I mean it's good,
I just don't think it's really sunk in yet though
if that makes sense,
Yeah no, it totally makes sense,
I get it,
Yeah, 'cause you spent six years in prison, right?
Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean it like that,
No, no, I know,
So, how have you been?
I've been good,
I got promoted at my job,
I didn't get a raise but I have an office now,
Well congrats on the office
and I'm sorry to hear about the raise,
Thanks, it's whatever you know,
I knew I wasn't going to get one anyway,
Let's see, what else?
I started teaching a yoga class,
Yoga?
Oh you mean
that dumb stretching shit you made me do in college,
Yes, and it's not dumb,
It's actually quite popular now,
So wait, people pay you to help them stretch,
Well, it's more than just stretching,
I mean, it can be very therapeutic,
It really helped me a lot,
Well, I don't know back in college it was pretty boring,
Well maybe, if I was teaching it to you
it wouldn't be as boring,
Yeah it maybe,
No, it would still be boring,
Finally, where was it?
In one of the bedroom closets
Like, Why?
Like this Dylan Baker guy is weird,
Yeah, seriously I mean, look at this potato peeler,
See, this is why men are stupid,
This guy owns a million dollar house
and he can't spend more than a dollar
on a kitchen appliance,
Oh boy, here we go,
Okay, all I'm saying is that men are dumb sometimes,
Well, most of the time,
No, no, no, no, no,
look, it's not about men or women,
They're just stupid people and then they're smart people,
Oh, so your one of the smart ones,
I'm sorry, I couldn't tell,
It takes one to know one, I suppose,
Oh, shut up,
I hate to bring up this riveting conversation
but Jay, do you have any clothes I can borrow?
Yeah, I didn't know you learned the whole air-dry thing
in prison, I was trying to make you feel comfortable
but sure I have it a ton of extra clothes,
You know I'm always fresh with it,
You want the Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday?
We get it, you got a clothing line,
Can I have some yes?
Yes, follow me young player,
Alright, here it is,
You're a medium, right?
Yeah,
Okay, here you go,
And here's some joggers,
Whoa, come on brother, come on now,
You don't gotta change right in front of me,
you could wait til I get out,
Dude, grow the fuck up, man,
Hey, can I ask you something?
What?
Kate, what's with the ring?
When did that happen?
Oh yeah, I don't know,
Maybe like a month ago,
A month ago?
Man, how do you not know?
I know that it happened fairly recently,
I mean, he didn't make it like a big announcement
on social media or anything,
My bad man, I didn't know that it'd bother you,
Well, she's my ex girlfriend,
Why wouldn't bother me?
I mean, it was six years ago
and she's been dating that douche bag Zach
for two years now,
I mean, it was bound to happen eventually,
Well, if he's such a douche bag bag,
why is she marrying him?
Hey, I don't know,
I tried telling her but I don't know man,
we're just getting to that age where when you ask somebody
to be your girlfriend or boyfriend
it's like a marriage proposal,
Maybe that's why I'm still single,
Anyway dude, look, don't get hung up on Kate all right?,
I know you loved her
but you also haven't seen another woman in six years
so you're probably just horny,
Yeah, probably,
All right, I'm gonna head downstairs
and tomorrow night we gonna break that dry spell,
Sounds good man,
Unless you've been getting laid in prison,
All right, get out,
So, what'd you guys bring?
I made buffalo chicken
and Michelle made beets,
That sound great together,
Thank you Michelle
How was traffic?
Not bad actually,
Yeah, we got here in pretty,,,
- Tyler! - Hey Pete,
Dude, oh man it's so good to see you,
Yeah, it's good to see you too man,
Man look at you, like no scars, no tattoos?
You made it out pretty good,
Oh, this is my girlfriend Michelle,
- Tyler, Nice to meet you, - Michelle,
Sorry, it's just I didn't expect you to be Tyler,
I'm sorry?
It's just, you don't look like someone
that just got out of prison,
Oh okay, thank you I guess,
Justin got any beer?
Yes sir,
Tyler you want one?
Why not?
It's been a while,
Hey that's right, I didn't really think about that man,
You haven't had a beer in six years?
Yeah,
All right, that's worth cheerzing for,
Oh wait, hang on,
let me get a picture of you guys,
- Okay, - All right, Justin move it,
Okay, there we go,
Oh Michelle, can you move a little?
I just wanna get a picture of the three of them,
It'll be just one second,
All right, let's do the first one just smiling,
All right, now hold your beers up and cheers,
- Cheers, - Cheers,
Yeah, that's perfect!
Oh hey, let's do a boomerang,
Oh, absolutely fucking not I don't want that,
Let me see what it looks like?
It better be in portrait mode,
Hey guys, are we gonna do the cheers or?
Oh shit of course, sorry,
Yeah my bad,
What should we cheers to?
Freedom?
I was gonna say to friends,
Friends and freedom,
Good enough for me,
- Cheers, - Cheers boys,
Just like old times,
Man, find you someone
that looks at you the way Tyler looks at beer,
Seriously #RelationshipGoals,
You know, you guys should just go catch up
in the living room,
Michelle and I will keep an eye on the turkey,
Yeah, you sure?
We got like 20 more minutes on the turkey
so just take it out pretty soon, okay?
Don't screw it up,
Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it,
We got it, okay,
You guys just go have fun,
We got this right?
Yeah, Kate's right,
You should go catch up,
Thanks babe,
Kate, will you just put buffalo dip in the fridge
so it doesn't get all room temperatury?
Yeah, I'll just heat it up before dinner,
Sound good?
Sounds good to me,
Alright, let's go,
Babe, Kisses?
I love you,
Love you too,
What?
That's the living room?
So you want something to drink?
We got wine,
Yeah, I could use a glass,
Oh hey dude here,
you need some chapstick 'cause your lips look a little dry
from the kisses,
Okay very funny, very funny,
Here, hold that, I'll be right back,
I just gotta grab something real quick,
So, how's it feel to be out?
It's gotta be pretty good right?
Yeah, it's good,
It's a little weird too,
Weird, like how?
Weird in the sense that I'm not there anymore,
I was in that cell for so long,
I just don't think it's really sunk in yet
that I'm out for good,
Yeah, I guess that could be kind of weird,
So have thought about like what you wanna do for work?
I'm gonna freelance for a little bit,
I think it's gonna be pretty hard for me
to get a traditional nine to five given the felony charge,
but I got a plan,
Look at what I got,
No, no, no there's no way,
Yes way, yes way man,
I had to for this special occasion,
Man, I haven't had this stuff since college,
I know right?
That used to get us in a lot of trouble
but I'm gonna have to pass man,
What pass?
You just got out of jail man,
we should be drinking like prohibition just got lifted,
Seriously Tyler, I've been waiting six years
to party with you,
Michelle is my DD for the night, I can actually drink,
I haven't drank in six years,
I mean, my tolerance is nonexistent,
Ooh, well it looks like you only need one shot then huh?
Come on, come on, one shot,
Okay, only one,
One swig?
You used to drink a whole bottle
of that stuff before we'd go out,
- There it is, - I don't know
how I used to drink that,
It burns good,
So, Michelle seems nice,
- She is, - She isn't,
Dude, she's not that bad come on,
Maybe not to you, but you would know best given
that you spend every waking moment with her,
Yeah, because I live with her,
Besides, what do you know about relationships?
When was the last time you were in one?
I know that you're in too deep that's what I know,
Dude, don't laugh at him, he's not funny okay,
It's pretty fucking funny from over here, kissy kisses,
Pete, if she was able to tame you,
she must be special,
Exactly, she is,
I think?
I mean she's cool, right?
She's smart, she's hot,
Manipulative,
She's the reason I got my job,
Well, how'd you do that?
Yeah, how'd you do that?
Her dad's my boss,
You slept with the boss's daughter,
He wasn't my boss at the time,
It wasn't like that,
I don't understand,
What does that mean?
It's a whole thing,
Okay, I think you just gonna have
to tell him the story Pete, come on man,
I really don't want to,
You always make me tell it,
Come on man, tell the story,
You tell it way better than I do,
I mean you lived it,
Look, you don't have to if you don't want to alright,
No, no, no, he has to tell it,
It is fucking hilarious, I die every time he tells it,
Come on man please,
Why don't you tell it Justin?
Can you tell it please, please?
Can you tell it Justin?
No, because I can't tell it,
Okay, okay, give me this bottle Jesus Christ,
- Go ahead, - Give me a second,
Get this away from me,
So, it all started 19 months ago,
You know how I know that?
Because Michelle likes
to celebrate our anniversary every month,
She's cray cray,
Anyways, so one day I go to the bank to get my taxes done
and place is about to close,
but the receptionist tells me one
of the accountants can squeeze me in,
So he walks me down the hall to Michelle's office
and there she was putting on this tight dress
and these cute glasses,
I mean totally not what you'd expect an account
to look like, right?
So we started going through my taxes
and she is writing everything off,
I mean, I'm making a killing,
All the while,
she's asking me all these really personal questions,
flirting with me, right,
Like, am I dependent?
Or am I single?
Don't they have to ask you if you're single,
when they're filing your taxes?
Well yeah, technically
but it was more like the way she was saying it,
So we get through with my taxes and she asked
if I wanna go get some drinks?
Now, I was going through a bit of a dry spell
and she was super hot so of course I said yes,
Next thing you know,
we're at this little Mexican joint near house
and we are throwing back margaritas and tequila shots,
I mean, we were both hammered
before the appetizers even got there,
There's no way I'm gonna drive home,
So, she invited me back to her place
which we went to, which was amazing,
I mean this girl lives in a two bedroom penthouse,
completely decked out all by herself, two bedrooms,
Yeah, yeah, tell him what the second bedroom is for,
Alright, so we have a couple more drinks,
start making out on the couch,
And then she asked me to go to her bedroom,
The only thing is we don't go to her room,
We go to the other room, the second room,
She opens the door and there are whips,
chains, bonded stuff and like a sex swing hanging
from the ceiling,
I mean, she had everything,
every toy you can imagine except for like a sex doll,
He was the sex that she needed,
Pete, that doesn't sound so bad man,
Not at all,
I mean, we start going at it and we're at it for hours,
She's tying me down, I'm tying her down,
our bodies are contorting,
It was exhausting,
She starfish'd you bro,
- No she did not - Yes she did!
I Starfish'd her too if anything,
But you didn't,
Dude she starfish'd you!
It was mutual,
You can't do no double starfish,
It was a mutual double starfish situation,
What's a starfish?
So, it's basically when two people
they have wow sex right?
But usually one person is more experienced than the other,
in this case,
And then someone is done,
the other is just completely exhausted,
passed out just lying on the floor like a starfish,
You ever seen a girl like this before?
- No, - You aint never seen it?
- One eye open like this? - No,
Don't worry, it'll happen to you man,
Continue with the story bro,
What happened next?
So, this goes on for weeks,
I'm going to her place every other night,
And then her parents got involved
and that's when things started spiraling out of control,
Parents, you are a savage,
Dude, I didn't sleep with them, I met them,
Oh I get that,
They invited me to dinner,
We went to this super nice steak restaurant,
Then a few days later, my car breaks down,
Her dad meets me at the dealership
and drops eight G's on a down payment on a new car for me,
Eight G's, and I barely even know the guy,
So, few months go by and my lease runs out,
I didn't have anywhere to go
and Michelle was all,
"You can stay with me, I have the room,"
And then her dad offers me a job,
What was I gonna do?
Tell him no?
I mean, I'm living with his daughter
and he just bought me a car,
So, now I'm trapped,
Well, not trapped,
I mean I still love Michelle and everything,
It's just complicated,
Well, do you like your job at least?
Not really, but I am making 85K a year so there's that,
So, let me just to recap the whole thing
Basically Michelle's dad bought you for 85K a year
and Michelle turns you into her sex slave,
- #Hooker, - All right dude, chill okay,
At least I'm getting laid on the reg unlike you,
Oh Okay, wow dude,
Congratulations, you get to have sex with your girlfriend
that is awesome,
It is awesome,
Yeah, it is sick,
Hello?
Yeah, yeah okay, I'll help you,
Alright, one second, bye,
That's Alison, she's outside,
I'll be right back,
Sorry you couldn't keep talking to us,
Sorry about that man,
He always makes me tell that stupid story,
Today should be about you,
No, it's okay man,
I just wanna hear what you guys have been up to,
I'm sure it's a lot more interesting than prison,
Oh, hold that thought,
Sorry I have to take this,
Hi, this is Peter,
Yeah, of course you know it's me, you called me,
I thought that was gonna be due on Monday,
You mean her dad,
Oh yeah, Michelle and I are actually out
to dinner with friends,
Is there any way I can put this off until tomorrow?
Need any help?
Where's Peter?
He's still in the living room,
I think he's talking to your dad,
Oh, my God,
Oh, poor Peter always getting whipped around,
Yeah he seems pretty tied down,
Oh, so you heard about the starfish story?
Oh yeah,
Oh my God, Tyler,
Oh my God, it's so good to see you,
I'm so glad you came,
Are you kidding me?
I wouldn't miss this for the world,
Sweet potato's coming in hot,
I'm sorry Justin,
Yeah, it's fine,
Thank you for bringing it,
Mommy who's that?
- Ally, is this? - My Selena, yup,
Okay, the turkey,
Relax, I turned off the oven,
Thank you Black Jesus,
Selena, this is who mommy was telling you about,
This is Tyler,
Hi Selena, it's really nice to meet you,
He doesn't look like the people in prison on TV,
Selena, that is not a nice thing to say, apologize,
No, no, no, it's all good,
I'm sorry Tyler,
I forgive you,
I'm glad you came to my party,
I swear, they taste better than they look,
I'm sure they're as sweet as you are,
Haha, but in my defense I wasn't a bit of a rush today
between cooking for this, Selena's dance practice,
my OBGYN appointment,
It has been quite the day and I need a drink,
Bottle opener?
Please, you know I never leave home without one,
Okay, all we need is Zachary,
What about Peter and the wench?
- Allison! - They are right here,
Oh whatever,
Okay, I guess I'll go ahead and set the table real quick,
You wanna give me a hand bro?
Yeah, sure,
Tyler is kinda little leaner now, looking like a snack,
Yeah, he definitely got in better shape,
Maybe you can date him mommy?
Mommy might have to sweetie,
Mommy might have to,
Allison man, holy shit,
I know right?
She became a mom and got hotter,
Not like Hillary Duff,
No, not that man, her daughter,
What is she like five or six?
Well, she had Selena in college,
What, you expected her to never grow up?
No, I know that but it's just of kind of crazy
to think that one of us has a kid,
I mean a baby is one thing
but Selena's is like a full on person,
I mean good for Allison,
But, I don't know, I guess I missed a lot man,
- I'm sorry man, - For what?
This, everybody coming over here, there's the Share Pad,
It's a lot,
Look, Pete only visited me once in prison,
Yeah, maybe he felt guilty or something,
And Alison visited me twice
and Kate stopped when she was dating Zach,
But you know, it's just,
they're acting like nothing ever happened,
Got it,
I just don't understand,
What were they thinking?
We'll throw Tyler this big party and he'll just forget
that we neglected him for six fucking years,
It was originally supposed to just be me and Kate tonight
but yeah, she wanted to surprise you
and do something special,
- Really? - Yeah,
So she should get someone to blame too, not just me,
I don't blame you guys man,
You have good intentions,
No it's one night, I'll survive,
You sure?
All you can do is try,
We will, I just wanna keep it between us right now,
But we gotta tell someone eventually,
Okay, just not tonight,
How about the end of the month deal?
Deal,
The table's set,
Jesus, Justin,
Oh, here we go,
This must be the man of the hour?
I guess so,
And you must be Zack,
I prefer Zachary, but yes,
Nice to meet you man,
Wow, that's quite a grip,
You've been working out at the school yard, damn?
No, there was no school yard or anything like that,
Just push ups and prison food I guess,
Well keep it up man,
You're doing great,
Me, I just worked out three times a week,
but I went vegan,
It's been working wonders for me,
Nice, yeah I'll have to try that sometime,
Tyler, you just ate two double cheeseburgers for lunch,
It might be a little tough to go vegan my man,
Well, it's not for everyone,
Two, good Lord Ty?
It was my first meal after prison,
Can you cut me some slack?
Okay, so does anyone want refills?
Another brew?
Oh Zachary, you got another batch of homemade?
Oh, I sure do,
This is a new lager I've been working on,
haven't quite figured out a name for it,
but you wanna try one?
- Yeah, sure, - All right,
Tyler, how about you brother?
I'm alright,
Oh, come on you gotta try one,
No, I think I'm gonna stick to the light beer,
Well it's a lager, it can't get much lighter than this,
Just have a sip,
Come on man,
Just try it,
He won't stop bugging you til you do,
Well, I will if you will?
No, I don't really like beer,
Since when?
We used to drink them all the time in college,
Yeah, because that's all we could afford,
I've never actually really liked the taste,
You know I have been trying to put her on beer
for two years now but every time I pick up a new brew,
she just shoots it down,
It would be waste on her,
So, how does this new batch compare
to the ones you brought
to Michelle's beach house last summer?
No comparison whatsoever, worlds better,
All right, cheers,
Cheers,
To getting out of jail,
Okay, yeah, it's pretty good man,
Yeah, jail break,
Excuse me?
It's the name of the beer, a jailbreak lager,
It's a great name for it,
What?
You know what,
No I don't,
The name bro, it's just a little insensitive,
Oh, come on,
Tyler I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that,
No it's cool man, don't worry about it,
Okay but I don't wanna hurt your feelings,
No I know you didn't, it's fine,
I'm gonna use the bathroom,
What?
Go apologize and actually mean it,
- Okay fine, fine, - Go,
Are you sure you guys don't need any help?
We'll be fine, we got it,
I could peel some more potatoes,
I already peeled them all,
I can help set the table,
I already told you we set it,
All right, fine,
So you really gonna marry that?
He's a tool,
You can get her back,
Whoa, sorry I didn't know anyone was waiting,,
I wasn't, I want to apologize for what I said
in the kitchen,
It's all good, don't worry about it,
I know, but I feel bad and I'd hate for us to start off
on the wrong foot,
I wanna apologize,
Well, you already apologized and it's okay,
Just come on outside with me real quick, right?
It will just take a second,
- All right, sure, - Great, come on,
It's so beautiful out,
Is that weed?
It sure is,
You know they made marijuana recreational
when you were in jail which in essence decriminalized it,
It sucks they didn't do that before you got busted,
Yeah,
You want some?
No, no I'm good thank you,
Let me know if you change your mind,
So, how's it feel man?
How's what feel?
Getting out of prison?
You know 'cause Kate told me
that you took the fall for all those guys,
So, let me get this straight?
You stockpile 20 pounds of weed for that party?
Yeah, about that,
What the idea was to take the weed,
put in some barrels and then we were going to just-
- And hotbox the whole house,
Dude, that's so cool,
Sucks you got busted,
Yeah, it really sucked,
But you know, it could happen anyone,
It was an accident,
But it happened to you, of course,
Freaking Peter man,
making you take the fall for all of this,
Can't believe you're still friends with the guy,
Wasn't it his idea in the first place
to get all the weed for the party?
Yeah, it was,
If he would've done that to me,
I'd never talked to that dude again,
But you know, I guess you're a better man than I am,
I'm a nice guy, what can I say?
That's the understatement of the century my guy,
Listen man, I just don't want things
to be weird between us,
Why would things be weird?
I just met you,
Because of Kate, you guys used to date,
she's my girlfriend,
Well you mean fiance though?
She told you?
No, she didn't tell me anything,
I saw the ring,
You saw the ring?
It's pretty nice isn't it?
Picked it out myself,
Yeah, it's very nice,
You see, she kind of wanted to keep it
on the DL, this whole engagement,
Keep it our little secret,
Me on the other hand,
I just wanna shout out this engagement
on top of the mountain,
Like yo, that's my wife!
I am hitting that man,
Relax man, lighten up,
Just joking I'm not that awful,
Zach, I just really care about Kate
so I just wanna make sure that she's happy,
Yeah, so do I,
Why do you think I'm marrying her, huh?
Yeah,
You know what, that makes a lot of sense,
Tyler I know I'm probably not your favorite person
in the world, but I make Kate happy,
And I know that may not make you happy
but you're just gonna have to deal with it,
How about we go back inside and be social?
It's a party isn't it?
Come on, let's go,
Jesus Kate, you weigh like 90 pounds,
how do you take up so much space?
I'm standing still, you're the one who keeps moving,
Oh, that look good don't it?
- Yeah, - Better than your turkey
that you brought to school in the seventh grade
and made everybody poo poo,
Yeah, it don't even get close to this,
Mine is perfect that's why you on the potatoes,
stick with them,
You sure you guys don't need any help it?
Oh yeah, we're fine,
Hey Zachary, you should go say hi to Alison and Peter
in the living room,
Okay, all right,
Hey Tyler, you wanna go?
I don't wanna interrupt their magic in here,
Do I have to go with that guy
because I really don't want to?
Yes and be nice,
For you, I'll try,
I may need a few more of these first though,
Jailbreak!
It was funny, jailbreak!
Okay, okay my turn,
Never have I ever had a threesome,
You better not have,
Foursome, but who's counting,
Yeah not you,
- Geez Allison, - And she wonders
why she's still single,
Oh whatever, none of you all know
what it's like trying to date when you're a single mom,
I love my Selena to death
but when guys hear you're a mom,
they just stop talking to me,
Yeah, I'm a mom but I'm hotter now than I was in college,
This momma needs some loving,
Oh, yes she does!
Tyler, you haven't really seen me since college,
Don't you think I got hotter?
Excuse me?
Do I think you got hotter?
Would you bang me?
Allison, we're friends,
Come on, would you bang me?
Ally, okay I guess I would,
Yeah, there we go,
Thank you!
God, it is like pulling teeth with you guys,
I mean, for what it's worth Allison, I'd bang you,
I mean, if I was single, not now obviously,
Thank you Zachary,
Oh whatever, it's not like you weren't hoeing
around in college,
Excuse me, would you like to elaborate on that Peter?
Yeah Peter, would you?
I would but tonight is not about me,
Tyler, why don't you tell us about prison man?
What was the craziest thing that happened to you?
Yeah, was there like some prison riots and stuff?
No, no I was in a minimum security prison,
Yeah, but it had to be cooler
than anything we were doing out here,
I mean, did you ever like get in a lunch room brawl
or like learn how to make a shiv or something?
Pete, it wasn't cool,
It was prison,
I did the same thing every day for six years, it sucked,
And if it's all right,
I'd rather not talk about it right now,
Of course it is,
Yeah, sorry man,
No, it's all right,
It's just a little fresh I guess,
So Tyler, have you thought about what you might wanna do
for work here?
I think I'm gonna start just doing some freelance work,
I think it's gonna be a little hard for a company to hire me
with a felony charge and also,
Tyler, what was your major?
Graphic design,
Well, I can ask my dad if he has any need for designers
in his company,
I know you're a nice guy,
Peter told me everything that happened,
Did he now?
Yeah Michelle, I don't think that's such a good idea,
I read the HR manual
and your dad's company doesn't hire anyone
with a felony charge,
You read the HR manual Peter?
Yeah, I did,
Nerd!
Well, at least I have an HR manual to read
'cause I have a job,
- Peter? - Oh well,
at least I didn't have to beg my girlfriend
for a job,
It's not begging, it's called networking you dick,
Oh really?
Well, I didn't know that sleeping with your boss's daughter
is called networking,
Well in that case, I guess me and Kate
and her father have to have a big conversation,
You know what?
You've been such a dick like all night
to like everybody,
You don't want this bro,
Why are you even here?
You do not want this,
I take two classes of judo this month okay,
- Okay, that's enough stop, - He started it!
- It doesn't matter, - And I would've finished
it too bro, what's up?
Dinner's ready!
A dinner bell?
Really Kate?
Yeah, I saw it online and it was only seven bucks
so I had to,
All right, is everybody ready?
Yeah, I'm starving actually,
Oh Alison, is Selena gonna sit with us at the table
or hang out in here?
Oops, no she'll be fine with her shows,
I'll fix her up a plate,
Okay, great,
All right, I hope everybody's hungry
'cause we got a lot of food,
All right, one beautiful bird coming in,
Peter, can you move the beets to make room?
Does anyone need anything else?
Another drink or?
- Okay then, - Actually Jay,
can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, yeah, sure,
- Just real quick? - Yeah, yeah, yeah,
What's up?
Zachary man,
What about him?
He sucks, dude,
Man, you should've heard the shit he was saying
to me outside,
I know he sucks man
but do you think you might be overreacting a bit?
You have been drinking,
No I have, but I'm not overreacting,
Man, we can let Kate marry that man?
Look, I know you still have feelings for her,
No, it's not even like that man,
Okay, maybe there's a little bit
but we can't let her go through with it,
I mean, we have to say something,
I've tried man,
I've talked to her and him when they first started dating,
even with Peter and Michelle,
Don't even get me started with Peter man,
What happened with those two?
I mean, people just grow up in a way
and they wanted to settle down,
it's just what people started doing,
Why didn't you?
'Cause I like hoeing around,
It's fun,
Hey, tomorrow night me and you,
we're gonna go out and we're gonna find some girls
that haven't settled down if you know what I'm saying,
You down for that?
Yeah,
All right, good,
Now let's go eat some turkey, rip some shots,
have some fun all right,
Fuck what they all think down there,
- You're right, - All right?
Let's do it, let's have fun,
For the love of God Allison, just take the damn photo!
Shut up, I'm trying,
- Smile - Wait I'm trying,
Thank you, it looks great,
Well, it's about time,
We've been waiting,
Okay, how about maybe thank you
for making the turkey Justin?
- Thanks Justin, - Thank you Justin,
See, they are grateful now let's eat,
Hey Justin, I got to say this whole cooking the turkey,
organizing this whole dinner,
your clothing line, you are quite
the renaissance man my friend, congratulations,
Please don't feed his ego,
Seriously, I don't think he can get any cockier,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, cocky?
No, I'm not cocky man,
I am fucking vindicated,
You know how hard it was to put this whole thing together?
Yeah, well I think it's great Jay,
You should be really proud,
Thank you,
I agree, it's really impressive Justin,
Plus your leggings make my ass look good
so keep making clothes,
I am grateful to help you on that Allison,
Well, when you've had as many failed businesses as Justin,
it's only a matter of time before one of them takes off,
- Right Jay? - You damn right,
Self-made, I mean I was over
that whole corporate America shit,
I mean my last job, ass,
I was making 35K to manage a client
that was grossing our company over $3 million a year,
Like how does that even make any sense?
Why even try?
Because if you don't you'll get fired,
No you won't,
My nine to five boss has me doing like three people's jobs,
If he were to fire me, he would be so fucked,
He tried to reprimand me for my lack of enthusiasm lately,
It's like, yo bitch why don't I reprimand you
for my lack of salary?
Oh, working sucks man,
I mean, corporate America broke my spirit,
It's like trade in your soul for 401k in a salary
with good health benefits,
Oh, I miss college, no responsibilities, just fun
that was so great,
When I was in college, I couldn't wait to graduate,
- Yeah, that was dumb, - Right?
Now it's just go to work, make money,
pay your bills and just keep repeating that until you die,
Yeah, growing up really sucks,
Sure it does,
You know if you hate your jobs so much,
why don't you just quit?
Get a new one,
Wouldn't that be nice?
Yeah, I should just quit my job,
Me and Selena can become actors to pay the bills,
Oh, I could be your manager,
Yeah, and I'll call your dad and be like,
"Hey Mr, Nolan, can you give me a raise?
"And also lessen my workload,"
That would go over well,
I think you guys just need to find out
what you wanna do in life,
I think that's all of you guys' problem is,
Yeah, but I wish it was that easy,
I just don't know what I want,
Well, I mean I don't know,
it might be a little corny
but maybe you can just start off by making a list,
note everything that you like
and then pick out the ones
that you can make money off of,
Yeah, I guess,
You should, I mean it's what I did,
And I got a pretty good idea of what I'm gonna do now
that I'm out so,
Yeah, but it's tough to find time to even do that
with work, Selena, friends,
Yeah and Tyler you also had a lot more free time
than all of us to think about your goals,
Damn it,
Are you serious right now?
Oh come on, I was just joking,
Screw your jokes, you've been a dick,
- Ty, Ty, - No, no you've been a dick
- to me all night, - Tyler?
Come on dude, he didn't mean it,
I was just joking,
Yeah, just let it go Ty,
Wow, you know what?
You're right, it was a joke,
This whole night's been a joke,
All night, every single one of you have been complaining,
You think work sucks?
Try prison, I sacrificed 72 months of my life,
I never even had the opportunity to make the kind of life
that you guys have been bitching about,
Look dude, nobody asked you to play the martyr,
Hey Peter, Peter,
You hear that?
That I didn't have to play the martyr?
Peter, how come when the cops showed up,
you were nowhere to be found?
It was your idea to hotbox the whole house for the party,
It was also you
who made sure the cops showed up,
Right Jay, right?
Yeah Ty, yeah,
Somebody tripped the alarm,
It was an accident, okay,
I said I was sorry,
Yeah, if you were sorry,
you would've shared the blame with me,
All of you would have,
Whoa, hold on,
You said that you would take the wrap
so that none of us would have a felony charge
that would ruin our lives,
That really doesn't even matter anyway
'cause you all ruined your lives all by yourselves,
All you guys, all three of you hate your jobs,
hate your lives,
You just complain, complain and complain,
At least you had a chance to make something of your lives,
You don't have to spend half a decade locked
in a fucking box,
But what did you do with it though?
All right Tyler, I think you've had enough
- to drink, - Fuck you,
You know they may hate their jobs
but at least I have one bud,
Tyler!
Kate, you should've heard the shit he was saying outside,
Come on, we were just messing around,
Messing around?
How unappreciative and ungrateful can you be?
Six years for you guys,
What a fucking waste,
I think Michelle
and I should hit the road,
Great, bail like you always do,
Look, let's just go,
Justin, do you have a trashcan?
I think I'm gonna vomit,
Shit,
You know no one likes you right?
I'm not apologizing Jay,
It's Kate, we need to talk,
I'm sorry,
Gee thanks,
No seriously, I mean it really should've just been me,
you and Justin tonight,
Clearly we did not think this through,
Yeah, clearly,
Look, I do appreciate the effort,
I know you guys are just trying to do something nice for me,
Do we get an A for effort at least?
Yeah, you get an A for effort,
Look, can I ask you something?
Yeah, of course,
Are you just gonna stand there
or do you wanna sit down?
Yeah, I'll sit,
Ty, just ask me the question,
What could you possibly see in Zachary?
What?
I mean Kate, you can't marry that man,
It's not really your decision to make Ty,
I mean, I love him,
He's such a pompous asshole,
You just met him,
How would you even know?
The fact that you just said,
"How would you know?", just proves my point,
Don't put words in my mouth Ty,
Okay, why then?
Why what?
Why do you love him?
What do you mean why?
When you love someone, you love someone,
There doesn't need to be a reason,
What do you mean there doesn't have to be a reason?
I don't know it's just love,
Kate, I get that you didn't wanna wait for me
to get out of prison but him?
I mean, you can do a lot better than that,
Oh, 'cause you're the best judge of character?
I'm sorry,
I did so much for you guys,
No one forced you to take the fall Ty,
No one forced me?
They begged me, begged me to figure out a situation
so you guys wouldn't get convicted,
Kate, you know what I did was the only way,
Allison, Selena, Pete and Jay knew,
You guys show up here
and you act like nothing ever happened,
I've never heard this much complaining for
in my entire life,
You know what might seem like a lot compared to you,
I'm not trying to belittle what you did,
but growing up and getting out of college just wasn't
what we all thought it would be,
How so?
Well, when you get to college,
you get to pick your major with the expectations
that you'll get a job doing what you wanna do
with your major,
And sometimes it's hard to find a job in that field,
I get that,
No, it's not hard, it's impossible,
So what happens is someone like me
who wants to be a photographer,
ends up having to get a job in sales
because there are no photography jobs available,
So a super creative person who shouldn't be sitting
at a desk all day ends up having to sit at a desk all day,
And then on top of that, this job that you're forced
to take doesn't even pay that well,
So you're underpaid, overworked and you're not doing
what makes you happy, it's awful,
To make matters even worse,
I still have $40,000 in student loans to pay off
so it's not like I can just quit my job,
Some things in life don't give you any choices Ty,
You just have to make them work,
I'm sorry,
Don't be sorry, it's not your fault,
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
currently I'm $60,000 in debt, I'm homeless, I'm unemployed
and I've got a felony charge on my permanent record,
So I'd say sitting next to me, you're looking pretty good,
You know, that's the thing I missed the most about you,
it's your optimism,
My optimism?
Yeah,
Really?
Yeah,
I mean even before prison, no matter what the situation,
you always looked at the glass half full,
I don't know how you did it,
Maybe it's just perspective,
You may hate your job but at least you got one,
You got food and a roof over your head,
A lot of folks don't even have that,
Yeah, you're right,
And if you wanna be a photographer,
just go out and make it happen,
Start taking pictures on the weekends or in your spare time
because if you love something,
you make time for it,
I would but, I mean I don't even have a camera
'cause I can't afford one,
Kate, you're already 40 grand in debt,
what's another two for a really great camera?
You'll pay it off eventually,
Yeah, I guess,
I don't know, I'll see what I can do,
Kate, just go get the camera,
Dreams are worth taking a risk on,
All right, okay all right, I will,
So, now can I ask you a question?
Sure,
Did you ever think about
what would have happened between us
if you didn't go to prison?
Of course I did, everyday,
Did you?
Yeah, it's crossed my mind,
I'm always gonna love you Tyler,
You still love me?
In a way yes,
I mean what we had, it was so special,
I'm never gonna forget that,
I still love you,
You do know that right?
Ty, I can't,
Yes you can,
You can break up with him right now,
No, it's not that simple,
You're only engaged,
Ty, I'm pregnant,
You're what?
I'm pregnant,
No, I saw you drinking tonight,
Well, you can't be pregnant,
No, it was just sparkling cider,
So that's it?
You're just gonna be with him forever?
You know, you could at least pretend
to be a little happy for me,
Why should I be happy for you?
You're not even happy,
You deserve so much better,
Kate's not feeling too well
so I think we're gonna get out of here,
You sure?
You can take one of the empty rooms,
we've got plenty of room,
Yeah, I know,
I just really wanna sleep in my own bed tonight,
Is she gonna be okay?
Yeah, I'll keep an eye on her,
It'll be fine,
Text me when you get home safely,
- I will, - Bye,
I guess everyone cleared out,
Yup, except for Allison, she's passed out on the couch,
I'll go check up on her,
No man, she's good,
Selena's watching her,
You did some good work on that bottle buddy,
Yeah, it was either get drunk
or beat the shit out of Zachary,
Figured I'd get drunk, take the high road,
You should've beat the shit out of Zachary,
Right?
Next time,
- Good catch, - Thanks,
Hey man, I'm sorry about this whole thing,
Tonight really didn't go as planned,
It's not your fault,
Well I mean, it is a bit but not completely,
I kind of freaked out on Kate tonight,
Yeah, I figured,
She seemed pretty upset when she left,
You don't even know the half of it man,
Well, what happened?
Well, first of all, she's pregnant,
- No, - Yeah,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
Shit,
Yeah, that's why she got engaged,
I just can't believe it man,
How long has he been unemployed for?
I think like maybe six months without a nine to five
but he says he's freelancing now
But, he has to be making no money
because Kate, that's all she complains about
is not having any,
It's like they all just gave up on their dreams man,
You never told me, how come you never settled down?
Yeah, I did,
I like hoeing around,
No, seriously man,
I don't know,
I guess I didn't wanna stop trying new things you know?
I mean I'm 28, you're 28,
This isn't like the end all be all you know,
I'm just now in my stride, I got my business going,
You know what the problem is?
What?
The problem is people think the party
is over after college,
They did it, that's it just stop trying,
stop doing new things, stop taking risks,
But it's not man it's not,
since I graduated from college,
I got fired from two jobs, walked out on one,
fell for a pyramid scheme,
I had three failed business endeavors, three,
But I learned so much from all those failures,
It made me a better, stronger person man,
And people used to dog me bruh,
They used to be like, "Oh, he can't keep a job,
"He's a loser,
"He drinks too much,
"He's a failure,"
But, everybody used to say that shit,
Everybody wrote me off just because I wasn't doing
what I was supposed to be doing,
Yeah, but at least you're doing something
that you care about,
Right, you know what I mean?
And those same people that called me off
on my failures are the same ones
who are too afraid to fail that they never even start,
Like, who are you to judge?
Like you're not happy with your life,
you're not, you're not,
You just post your highlights on social media
so people think that you're happy
but you hate your life, you hate it,
You go to the same job that you hate every day,
every week doing the same shit over and over
and over again not changing nothing and worrying about how
and why my life isn't different,
You know what I mean?
Like us as millennials,
yeah we might have the cards stacked against us,
but at least like try something fucking new,
do something different, take a risk, God damn,
Well, that's why I couldn't take it anymore in there man,
Like if you're not happy with your life,
do something about it,
I mean, you've got a choice,
Well, it's not like you're in prison?
Exactly, it's not like you're prison man,
You can make anything happen
in your life if you want to man,
It's not like any of them are in poverty or like Africa
where you can get eaten by a lion in the savanna,
Eaten by a lion?
Yeah, I don't know man, I'm drunk,
You know what I mean man,
Basically, life can be so much worse,
And for what it's worth,
I don't think any of them could have lasted six days,
let alone six years in prison,
I have so much respect for you man,
I really appreciate that man,
What are you doing?
I'm trying to cheers,
All right, to what?
To you, to you being awesome,
Ditto,
Dude, you're like batman,
Batman, what do you mean?
So you know Batman, he saved Gotham City every night?
I know what Batman does yeah,
Okay, so even though he saves his city every night,
people still find a reason to complain,
They need him but they take him for granted,
Thank you man,
You're the best,
Dude, you're the best,
We the best,
And since we both are the best,
we should line up two shots of the best
and it's right over there
Hey Jay, you alright?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good,
You got to walk that off brother,
Now, let me line up these shots,
Hey, hey why don't we just call it?
Great idea, I'll call the stripper,
No, no, no, let's go to bed man,
Go to bed?
Hmm mmh, you alright?
I just need to go to the bathroom real quick,
I'm gonna puke and we can ride this shit back up,
We're gonna be good,
You know what buddy?
We're gonna have so many other nights to do that,
I think right now we should just go to bed,
Can I at least take some turkey with me to bed?
Absolutely, absolutely you can
Some good stuff right here,
That's some good stuff, I'm gonna bring it to you though,
Huh? I'm gonna bring it to you,
Dark meat only,
Absolutely, I know it's your favorite,
Don't judge me, it's not because I'm Black,
It's not that reason,
I never said that,
I just like it, I like it,
Yo, hell yeah,
Give me some of that,
Dude, I made such a great turkey tonight,
Michelle would have been shook
if she would've tried some of it,
She would've pulled out the whips and chains for me
and I would've let her keep going,
Yeah man, you did a good job,
I did a great job,
Great, so you're good?
You don't need anything else?
Yeah, I'm good man,
You're going to bed?
No, I gotta stay up for a little bit,
You know I had that three hour nap
and well someone's got to watch Selena,
Oh dude, we're the worst babysitters ever,
Yeah, speak for yourself,
Come on let's go,
No, no, don't worry about it,
I got it,
Yeah?
I'll see you in the morning,
Oh shit my bad man, hold up,
I got something for you in the closet,
- Yeah? - Yeah, a present,
- Really? - Yeah,
Oh thanks man, you didn't have to do that,
Yeah man, just consider it a present
for the six birthdays I missed,
Okay,
It's on the floor to the right,
Can I open it now or?
Yeah, this ain't Christmas Eve open that shit,
Jay, this must've cost you a fortune man,
I can't accept this,
Yeah, you can man,
You deserve it,
And it's brand new,
Don't worry, I ain't steal it or nothing like that,
I just had to unwrap it
so I could put all the photo editing
and software shit on there,
Oh this is awesome man,
Thank you so much,
Enjoy it dude, but you gotta promise me one thing?
Yeah what?
When we were in college, I remember you saying
that you wanted to open your own design company,
Now, I don't know what your dream is now
but whatever your dream is,
don't stop until you get it man,
You're stronger than me Tyler,
You are the a baddest White boy I know,
So if I can do it, you can too,
I promise man,
Now take your ass down there and watch Selena,
- I'm going to sleep, - I will,
Hey, come here,
- Thanks man, - Yeah man, of course,
- Good night Justin, - Good night man,
Oh, I'm glad you're back,
Me too,
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter,com/kaboomskull