Greetings children, Captain Disillusion here!
For now,
Society has long been obsessed with the apocalypse,
and the collapse of civilization
So, how close is it?
Well, from lizard people to the illuminati,
And UFOs to ghosts,
We've laid many of these conspiracy theories
about the end of days, where they belong,
On the biggest trash fire in history,
Only problem is, there's a new fear
that's taking hold of the internet,
A horror story as old as time,
Well, as old as George Romero,
That's right, zombies,
Those decaying ghouls,
that have been devouring our screens for decades,
and just won't seem to die,
no matter how hard Rick Grimes and The Walking Dead tries,
have apparently been clawing their way into the real world,
As you know, most of my debunks
centre around one video or channel
that's attempting to pull the wool over your beautiful eyes,
But in the last few weeks,
there's been an unprecedented outbreak
of supposed zombie attacks, caught on video,
These have come from all over the world,
from people who couldn't possibly be connected, right?
Now before anyone blames Russia,
I'm going to take each video,
and try to find a rational explanation,
Because I know one thing,
Zombies aren't real,
Just like Father Christmas, and the NRA's integrity,
Sometimes, you need to take a step back to see the truth,
These videos, bar the terrible student shorts
and low budget web series, all share one thing in common,
Anatomical accuracy,
Here, you can see this poor fellow's guts,
ripped out before his very eyes,
But how could this be so?
Well, with the help of our old friend, CGI,
All these examples,
display a distressing a amount of medical accuracy,
But the usual telltale imperfections are not present,
So, what could this mean?
I'm pretty sure it's good old Hollywood
achieving high-end visual effects realism,
with cold hard cash,
What we have here is nothing more than a viral campaign,
for a new TV series, or video game,
About a zombie doctor,
and their wacky, anatomically correct hi-jinks,
Because, what else could it be?
It's not like zombies could actually be real,
I mean who cares if for the first time ever,
I couldn't find any evidence of fakery,
Haven't I done enough, YouTube?
Haven't I debunked enough, to get this one on faith?
Anyway, that's all the time we have for this week!
Remember, love with your heart!
Use your head, for everything else!
So, this is it,
This is the end,
Thank you, for being there with me through this,
It's been a real journey,
But, all things must come to an end,
And so must graphic novel week,
Can I just say,
I have had such a great week,
Words with pictures, who knew?
They just go so well together!
You know I took a real risk this week,
going with graphic novels,
But, it's paid off,
I've learned so much,
Words and pictures, pictures and words,
Great combination,
Welcome back to "Books in the Tent",
with me your host, Hannah,
Much better I think than "Books in the Bath",
because people keep trying to get in and shower in with you,
And all the pages get soggy,
And you see things you don't wanna see, so much better here,
Back to regular old words, next
But I'm looking forward to it,
Be a nice change of pace,
You know, this blog has been a real,,,
A real help for me in the apocalypse,
because as you know viewer, it's been a right slog,
Getting a bit boring, these days
And to be honest, I've had enough of that,
A bit stuffy in here, let's go out,
Okay,
So yeah, I sort of thought I'd reimagine my old blog,
Now that we're living in the library,
Do you wanna have a look?
Pretty good, I think you'll see,
There we are,
We made it quite homely, really,
Quite pleased with it, anyway,
So, it's nice to be surrounded by all these books,
If only I could read,,,
That's just a joke,
Of course I can read,
Tony has blocked up the toilet
I mean, I think it was Tony,
It was either a zombie, or Tony,
Or, part of a zombie!
Or, a zombie's pooed in it,
But, I can't get it out,
There's this gunk- Yeah, Miles,
Can you- And you can't get the
- Miles, Miles, - Bat under the-
- Please put some clothes on,
Really, really,,,
Really worrying,
Right, okay,
Back to my blog,
Yes, and your millions of viewers,
I've got four subscribers, actually,
Yeah, it's all Tony though,
Yeah well, at least he's trying to be supportive,
- Supportive, - Yeah,
I think Tony's reached that stage of the apocalypse,
do you know what I mean?
No, not really,
Well,,,
- I think- - I mean,
- I think we should- - Yes,
Check on him actually, yeah,
All right, I'm gonna bring this,
Oh, you've forgotten your bat!
Just, oh no!
Tony?
I'll get his attention like last time,
Uh, Miles,
- No up, I'm gonna fire up, - No, Miles,
- I'm gonna shoot the ceiling, - Miles, please!
Hey, hey, Hannah, Miles,
Check this out!
Fus-ro-dah!
You see that? Yes, no,
Dude's dead, so he doesn't know to dodge the ball!
Very clever, Tony,
Yes, very clever,
Hey, what's eating you two?
You both look like someone's shit in your cereal,
Which was not me, this time,
Things are just getting a little bit like,
samey, you know?
Well, I mean,,,
It has been like 10 years,
- It's been 10 years? - 10 years!
Are you sure?
Bloody hell,
It has, Yeah, 10 next week,
Man I thought it had been like, six months,
Wait, how old does that make me?
Five?
I mean, time flies
when you're just sort of smooshi
and not really caring,
Well, that's why we should be doing fun things like this!
Or maybe we should, you know, go out some time?
We should go shopping, it's been a while,
We should hit the road, All right,
- Yeah, come on, - Well,
Come with us,
Do you promise it will be nothing like last time?
I promise nothing!
A few moments later,
- Oo, - Looks pretty clear!
Yeah,
Oo, it's my tummy rumbling,
Okay, well I've got a list,
- Oh, good, - Yeah?
The only thing is,,,
Well I wrote it, but then actually we need everything,
So, the list is actually everything,
Yeah, that's not really specific,
Thanks, Hannah,
Very useful,
I know it looks clear,
but I'm just gonna send the drone up,
Get a bit of over watch,
- Yes, please do, - All right,
Does the drone make a lot of noise?
Totally,
Well, this is exciting,
Why does this feel like we're setting off a firework?
And away we go!
Wow!
How's it looking?
It's looking kinda clear,
What do you mean, kinda clear?
Apocalypse you know, you never know,
Yeah,
Yeah, no, no,
I think we're looking good, Sweet,
- It's looking good, - Okay, so,
What's the plan? Yeah,
Well okay, I'll tell you the plan,
But you have to do the planning music first,
or it doesn't work, Yes, do the planning music,
♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do ♪
Okay, so,
Tony's gonna start with the drone still,
Sure, yeah,
We're gonna send Tony in first
- Yep, sure, - Then what we're gonna do,
is we're gonna go in together, Go in,
We're gonna grab all the canned food,
that we can get, All the canned food,
Anything that's in a packet-
- Packet, - If you look at the expiry-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweet child of mine,
You realize this isn't a supermarket, right?
What is it?
Where are we?
It's a garden centre,
A garden centre, Tony,,,
Why have you brought us to a garden centre?
Cause we've ransacked everything!
Look, I've showed you guys this loads of times!
Red, red, red, red, red, red, red,
Well we're here now, so let's just go in
and see what we can get, Yeah,
Plus there's a weed stash in here,
- I knew it! - Yeah,
I'm just gonna do one last check,
Okay,
It's looking good,
Oh, shit,
What?
Clown zombie,
Clown zombie, why'd it have to be a clown zombie?
Why don't we let you deal with that one?
Yes, you go first,
And if there's any others,
we'll deal with it,
But you deal with that one, Yes, go on,
Happy for you to take that off our hands,
Fine, just keep an over watch on me would you?
Whoa, too much power, too much power,
Where's the self destruct button
There is not a self destruct button,
That's an urban legend,
I don't put self destruct buttons on absolutely everything
Just the microwave,
Do not press it,
Whatever it is, don't press it,
Ugh,
Pew, pew,
Pew, pew, pew,
Well, we should probably follow him,
Come on,
I'm playing on this, now,
It's not a computer game,
It's a bloody drone!
You're supposed to be using it to keep an eye on him,
I am, I can see him,
Well, what is he doing?
Is he still in the box?
Uh, he's still in the box, yes
- Well, why don't we just- - The zombie hasn't seen him,
Look, it's taking ages,
Let's just hide in here,
He's gonna sneak up on it, he's gonna sneak up on it,
Okay, oo,
Shall we wait here?
It's like a greenhouse, in here,
- Oo! - Oo!
Clean up on aisle three,
Yeah, that's gonna stain,
Oh, oh god,
Kid zombies,
So adorably terrifying,
I can't shoot, I can't,,,
Here, here, get the foot,
Get the delicious foot,
Get the foot, get the foot!
Is it Tony?
No, it's a zombie,
Oh,
Oh, wow,
Imagine surviving 10 years,
just to get eaten by a postman,
Oh no, it's a granny!
Oh, I can't film that,
Probably best not,
No,
Ugh!
Cor, you're missing something really grim here,
Cor, he's really going for it, isn't he?
Does that look good on camera?
I've turned it round, you can't see,
Hey guys, what's happening?
Zombie postman,
Another one for the big book!
Do you have any idea how rare a postman zombie is?
Nowhere near as bloody common as hipster zombies,
Those fuckers just spawn everywhere,
Man,
Everything's coming up Milhouse, today,
Well, that's the only good thing
that's come out of this,
Yeah, it's been a bit of a waste of time
to be honest, this trip,
Are you kidding me?
I found some tomatoes, over in the other shed,
Yeah, one tomato does not a salad make,
Ah, I suppose,
But come on guys,
we need to start getting outside of our comfort zone,
We need to start thinking about growing,
and fertilization, all that kinda shit,
- Eh? - Well, can you do that?
And then we'll just eat all the produce,
No, we've gotta do this stuff together,
Ride or die!
Or, have a sit down and a Hobnob,
This is much better,
Yeah, we should do this more often,
A slower pace of life,
Mm, I dunno what people are talking about,
Zombie apocalypse, is a piece of cake,
Ah, you had to say piece of cake,
I want a piece of cake, now,
Whoa, shit!
Okay, breaking into a car 101,
This is gonna be good,
Yeah, erm,,,
Oh, there's zombies over there
So, you might wanna- What?
You all right there, Tony?
- I fell down, - You okay?
Yeah, can you hold this?
Miles?
Miles!
You've accidentally locked the door!
Miles!
What?
You've accidentally locked the door!
Oh, I dunno how to,,,
How do you, er,,, Miles!
Miles, I'm gonna smash your gramophone to smithereens,
if you don't let us in right now
Come on,
Come on you, it's time to get in
Let's just get in there Tony, come on,
Tony, get in the car!
Close the door!
You all right?
Well, we're in the car!
Might put some music over this bit, when I've finished,
Editing it, make it a bit more interesting,
God, feels like we've been in here for about a year!
I need a wee, Again?
Yeah, listen,
Can I swap you the camera for the pee bottle?
I'll make another funnel,
Thanks,
I object to the lack of dignity, in this situation,
Oh, it's warm,
Hello, beautiful,
Oh god, what have you
Brain eating zombie?
Dude I've told you, brain eating zombies aren't real,
Yeah, but there's a whole section in your book
devoted to running zombies,
That's because I know
those diarrhea inducing dicks are real,
I mean, brain eating zombies,
what are the gonna do, go to school?
There are no fast bastards,
Fastards,
But I tell you what, it's not going in here,
I object, Hey!
You'll thank me later,
So, what's the latest acquisition?
Stripper zombie,
Oh really, where?
That is one grizzly back story,
It's not the cheap gag you're looking for is it?
While er, while that develops, Hannah,
Is there any point in asking,
if you're anywhere near pissing yet?
I can't, they're all looking at me,
Well, obviously,
So, this book of yours Tony,
What are all this little symbols, and stuff?
Oh er, methods of dispatch tested,
Right, so that one,
What's that one?
Abacus,
So, you killed a banker with an abacus?
- A banker zombie, but yeah, - Oh, right,
We'll there's a kind of poetic justice to that, isn't there?
Oh, oh god,
What, what, what, what?
- It's Alan, - Who?
Alan Grenadehand,
I gaffer taped a grenade to his hand five years ago,
and the fucker's had it in for me ever since,
Tony, why did you do that?
The lols?
He's got a big, solid death grip on that,
I mean, as long as he maintains it,
We're probably gonna be fine,
Ah!
I think we have to get out of here, now,
What is he doing?
- Meat drone, - Meat drone?
Yeah, I mean I was planning on using it for a barbecue,
but needs must, we're in a bit of a pickle here,
Okay, those are gonna have been frozen for about 10 years,
You can't eat those now, Tony, No, that's okay!
You can freeze meat for 10 years
We can freeze meat for 10 years,
but you can't eat it after 10 years,
I mean it's been in the freezer,
connected to a solar panel,
I mean, it'll be fine,
And like, I can eat this stuff all the time, and I'm good,
How are you still alive?
Two or three months tops,
for frozen food, Yeah,
Two or three, for chicken,
It's like a really hardy immune system, you know,
Why don't I distract them, right?
- Yeah, yeah, - Okay,
I'll beep the horn, okay,
Yeah, we just distract
and get all these guys at the front,
And we send this out the back, Okay,
- And it just draws them away- - Yeah, but-
- But, I could beep the horn,
- Well I'll beep the horn, - Yeah, but I-
- In fact, I've got the horn,
I've got the horn, Yeah, but I'm the driver,
I'm the driver!
Let's just fruit one, two, three it,
Fruit, one, two, three, okay,
- Fruit, one, two, three, - All right, all right,
One, two, three,
Bananas!
Pear, oh fuck,
- Every time, - Okay, cool,
- Every time, - Let's do this,
You guys always say banana, and-
- Okay, right,
You ready?
No, we're committed, we're committed,
Hang on, just let me get in the back,
Just let me- She's getting out the back,
I'm lighting her way,
Just let me,,,
Oh, they're getting a bit angrier now,
They're gathering, they're gathering,
Are they gonna come through that windscreen?
Oh no, it's working, it's working,
Oh, she's out, she's out!
Pass her the drone, Here, here,
Take the meat, take the meat!
Release the meat!
Chicken wings?
Okay, okay,
Yeah, it's up,
It's up,
Oh, they're noticing,
They're noticing, look,
Look, look, Is it working?
Okay look, they can see it!
They can see it!
Look, they're noticing, they're noticing,
They're moving off,
Look, look,
Wow, I really didn't think the plan was gonna work,
No,
It didn't have a good chance of working, did it?
Oh look, she really wants those chicken wings,
I really want those chicken wings,
You don't, Tony,
Three months, remember we said?
You know, this whole episode has been really distressing,
We could have died,
Never could the hang of Thursdays,
Yeah, a few close shaves for the blog, there,
Well I don't think a blog really covers it, anymore,
You know, the a stuff we've seen
And the things that we've survived,
I just feel like, if we'd have died,
What would be have to show for it?
Hundreds of hours of knitting tutorials,
And a book review blog, that only Tony watches,
Thanks, Tony,
You know, we used to be film students,
Maybe we should make a film,
Just a true account of the last 10 years,
Like a monument to our survival,
What, like "10 Years a Zombie Survivor"?
Well yeah, but maybe with a better title than that,
I can't think of a worse title than "Zomblogalypse",
Hannah's right, though,
We've had a lot of great shenanigans in the apocalypse,
We can make an awesome movie out of that,
Just minus all the boring bits, like the pooing,
Hey, I like the pooing,
Yeah, I love pooing,
Fine, you guys can make a movie about pooing,
I'm gonna make 90 minutes of exploding fun times,
Okay, well we can't make three different films,
We all have to make the same film, obviously,
Okay, well we'll all work together then,
- All right! - Yeah!
Team Zomblog,
- Team Zomblog! - We're a crew!
Yeah!
Sorry, well we can work on that bit,
I'll get Tony Droney back to us,
Okay,
You call your drone Tony Droney?
What else would you call it?
Teeny tiny Tony Droneykins,
Er, a slight problem,
They followed the drone,
- Oh my god, - "Merde"!
Turn the drone off, turn it off!
I can't the battery's died,
It's set to return to home!
Well, how fast can it go?
- 40 miles an hour! - Why?
Think this is all the cast and crew we're gonna need,
Yeah, they're not exactly
gonna form a zombie union,
Well this means, we can make a movie,
- And action! - Action,
Come on!
Yes, let's get the survivors,
Yes, they're over there,
Let's kill them!
That's my line,
The survivors are over there!
Let's kill them,
They're over there,
No, let's save them,
Save them,
God, this boom operator is shit!
No!
Can you hold that, while I sort the boom out?
I think it's all right,
Oh no, no, no, no,
No look, this way, this way,
This way,
It's just,,,
Like that, like that,
Well, I guess these zombies,,,
Have missed their ticket,
- No, I'm saying it, - No, I'm saying it,
- No- - No, oh yeah,
Cause I was gonna say,,,
Okay, fine, fine, fine,
Well, I guess these zombi,,,
Sorry, I'll wait, Okay,
Well I guess these zombies,,,
Have missed their ticket,
Guys?
I think we're going to need some help on this project,
What about like, one of those kick go-go things?
You really wanna drag other people into this debacle?
Well maybe they'll help, if we make it worth their while,
It's all about the perks, these days,
I'm sorry, but I don't think people are gonna get involved
for a badge, and a thank you in the credits,
Okay, well that's not quite what I mean,
If you think about all the stuff
we used to take for granted, before the apocalypse,
Bum scrape!
What?
- He means bog roll, - Yes, yeah,
Creature comforts, exactly,
So, food and shelter,
Sanitary towels?
I think if somebody offered me a fresh wet wipe, I'd cry,
So, let me get this straight,
We offer a bunch of stuff, we may or may not have,
To a bunch of people
who may, or may not survive the apocalypse,
And in return, they give us their precious time?
Yay, capitalism lives!
Okay, let's make the perks video then!
Well, have you got any ideas?
I have any ideas,
Greetings,
That all right?
My name is Miles,,,
Watts, Poppington, Earl Gray, the Third, Esquire,
Of life,
I come to you,,,
I come to you,
I come to you, with an opportunity,,,
With an opportunity,
An opportunity to live, like me,
In this glorious, natural surrounding,
We're about the embark
on the most ambitious film, ever made,
Howard Hughes was a weakling,
James Cameron is a peasant,
None of them possess the steel, and integrity
of the project, that we're about the embark on,
A cinematic account of the last decade,
A decade that changed the world, if you will,
A film 10 years in the making,
that will reach the very summit of the filmic arts,
But we need your help,
A mountain cannot be built in a day,
Well obviously, you don't build mountains, do you,
Yeah, I know,
But it makes sense with the next bit,
- And neither can a movie, - See?
We need your help,
So pick a perk, and donate to us your skills,
Perks include,,,
A great big, fuck off tank,
For Sunday drives, and smooshing things,
Easy peelers!
Cause something in this apocalypse, has to be simple,
A combine harvester,
Don't know what the fuck it's for, but it looks cool,
A lifetime supply of wagyu beef!
And a traffic cone,
Because no nuclear bunker, is complete without one,
Just donate your time,
And we'll make the rest of your miserable lives,
a lot less miserable-er,
Donate, and be a part of history
Or, be its dinner!
See, pretty good,
I don't know,
I feel like we might be overselling it,
Look, just get the campaign online now,
And then we'll worry about that shit, later,
- Okay, - Just press that,
Yeah, all right,
- And that, - Can you just,,,
Yeah, I know,
I know how to do it!
- All right, - I've done it wrong,
Oh, look! Shit,
Oh,
Oh, wow,
Oh my god,
Well, that escalated quickly,
We can't deliver this,
I mean, I might be able to paint some bog roll gold,
But, where are we gonna get a nuclear bunker?
We'll just get one,
It's the apocalypse, you know,
And then we'll clear it out, and we'll give it to a donor,
Can't we keep it?
It's not a pet,
What if we can't deliver the perks?
We can't deliver the perks,
What's it matter, anyway?
I mean, what they gonna do?
Eat us?
So, intros,
Right, I'm Hannah, Hi,
- This is Miles, - Hi,
This is Tony,
We're the writers, directors and stars of the film,
I'm sure it's gonna be well worth it,
and we're all gonna have a lovely time,
And we'll all be alive,,,
I mean, we'll all learn something
by the end of the experience,
Yeah, it was great to see such a huge response
to the online campaign,
So, I'm not sure why the internet's still working,
If it's sort of lightning, or goblins, or whatever it is,
However it works,
But if it means we can make this film, we don't care!
Still a lot of trolls in the comment section,
but, you know,
Never mind, Yeah, just ignore them,
Well, to be honest,
I'm still struggling with why anybody would give a fuck
about wanting to make a film about the apocalypse,
during the apocalypse,
Oh who's doing that, that sounds good,
Look, I don't really care,
Where's the steak and nuclear bunker at?
Steak and other associated perks,
will be rewarded upon completion of the final film,
Thank you very much,
You might notice as well,
we've got a few documentary people filming and stuff,
It's not just for posterity,
We promised a making of on the Blu-ray,
So, we are stuck with them,
The DVD is vanilla though, B,T,dubs,
I don't think anyone really cares
about DVD special features,
it's the fucking apocalypse,
Okay, look,
It might be the apocalypse,
but the format wars will never be over,
I'm guessing you did not opt for a physical media package?
My partner and I, selected the premium,,,
Platinum,
Platinum producer offer,
Oo, big spenders!
Well, it's been 10 years,
and entertainment is in short supply,
so this should be entertaining,
If nothing else,
You'd hope so,
Will there be on-set catering?
Yes,
Will there be a vegan option?
Erm, I think there might be a couple cans
of numberetti spaghetti lying around,
Oo, oo, that actually is vegan
- Oh, great, - There you go,
Numbers, great for vegans, Helpful,
- Who knew? - Thank you,
I suspected,
Okay, why don't we do a table read?
And everyone can just sort of, put their hands up
as we go, and we can just dish out roles,,,
Yeah, does that sound good?
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,
So Tony, script, Get the script,
Remember with the- What, now?
If you'd like to get the script, you've prepared,
For the notes, that you've- Oh,
I did that, didn't I?
- Yeah you did, yeah, - Did you though?
Yeah, one sec,
Oh, you want to get more out,
Oh right, okay, oh,
Right,
Great, oh he did do it,
Good, that's good, yes,
Bit of a work in progress,
I'll share it with you,
Can I share it with you?
You can share my script if you like, yes,
It's five pages long,
Like I said, work in progress,
It's the first draft, chill your boots!
Miles, do you want to do it?
Cause you can do that thing, with your voice,
Oh yeah, the thing with my voice,
Act one, scene one,
Nah, I can't do that,
The beginning,
God, you can tell you wrote this, Tony,
Yeah,
The Saga Begins, intro the Zombloggers,
Hanging in their flat, generally being cool,
Being cool,
Excuse me,
Is the flat gonna be a set, or an actual location?
Just cause, you know,
I'm a bit scared to go outside,
It's quite harrowing, out there,
Well, seeing as we don't want any of you in our home,
Yes, it will probably be a set,
Okay, and who's building that?
You?
Me?
I just thought that's why you kept interrupting,
No, I don't know-
- Great right, you're building the set,
Let's see, where are we?
The Zombloggers are being awesome,
Are you gonna be wearing your own clothes?
Oh, for fuck sake,
Will the questions never end?
I'm just gonna be wearing this shit,
You know, and you can sort out your costumes, right?
Yeah oo, could I get like, a viking helmet?
But, without the horns,
It turns out, that's actually a factual inaccuracy,
Okay,
You're a factual inaccuracy,
We don't hold that against you,
Hannah, do you want to chime in?
Just don't make me take my glasses off,
Why would I make you take your glasses off?
I thought you were in charge of costume?
No, erm,,,
I was just asking,
Well, why are you asking us?
It's your job,
Right, back to the script,
The Zombloggers continue to be awesome,
Their boring housemate Adam, appears,
We need someone to play that,
don't we? Oh, yeah,
Oh, I quite like acting,
In fact, I,,,
Had a reoccurring character as a rent boy,
in Coronation Street,
And my,,,
Coriolanus was,,,
Award winning,
You do have a beard, so,,,
I mean that could work, yeah, Adam didn't have a beard,
So, what's that got to do with anything?
Oh, shh,
Take your hat off, maybe?
Yeah, just take it off,
And we can see, just so,,,
Oh yeah, no you could play Adam,
He could play Adam,
Don't you think? Very lustrous,
Oh yeah, I think he should play Adam, you know,
Yeah, whatever,
I mean, you get eaten by zombies, but it's a good role,
I might be asking for this,
but how are you gonna do the zombies?
Er, we're not gonna "do" the zombies,
No, I mean,,,
Are you planning on using real zombies, in your film?
- Well, yeah, - Yeah,
Yeah, they're also really dangerous!
Well, that's the fun part,
That's the, erm,,,
Oh what do they call it, it's the,,,
The frisson!
I don't care how good your film is,
nobody wants to die for it,
Oh my god, what a kill joy,
Okay fine, right,
We'll stick green paint and a wig on that guy,
And we'll just, you know,
He can stand in for them,
You know, if it's good enough for Romero,
it is good enough for us,
All right, Mr, Health and Safety Pants?
What, so I'm in charge of health and safety?
Yes!
Right, so we're in town,
And zombies are eating Adam's face off,
That's you,
But we'll use a stunt face for that,
so don't worry about that,
And then the script sort of runs out then, doesn't it,
And it says, well we meet a load of survivors,
They're shit, we're great,
We live, they don't,
And then, that can be played by you lot!
So, erm,,,
What about the ending?
Well, life doesn't have an ending,
Yeah, but,
Except that it does,
And it, erm,,,
It usually involves teeth, around here,
Well, this is an active document,
So, the film's just gonna stop,
Because we're all still here,
Beyond the end of days,
We'll blow something up at the end,
to keep the 18 to 34's happy,
And who's going to shoot it?
You're not doing that as well, are ya?
Well, no,
For this, we need a real artist,
You know, because we want it to be really cinemategrophic,
Cinematog,,,
Cinematic!
Cinematic,
That doesn't sound right, somehow,
I'll shoot it,
I see, and what are your qualifications?
None of your fucking business,
Okay then,
Well, okay,
I think that's everything sorted, isn't it?
So, let's just get cracking!
Now, I'm new to this filming malarkey,
But, I do think there are some roles
that you haven't allocated yet,
Oh for fuck's sake then, you're sound,
You're, I dunno, transport,
You're stunts,
And you're making all the biscuits, all right?
- Let's go, - Let's do it, okay?
- Everyone happy? - Not that complicated,
- Let's go! - Fucking hell,
Excellent,
We are so sorry,
Yes, forgive us our slight,
The others, they made us commit to such a wretched path,
How dare you make a rival blog?
Speak, or we shall end you,
We are so very sorry,
It was truly folly,
to attempt to match the grandeur of your online footprint,
We are naught but ants,
And you, like Gods on Olympus,
Yes, how very correct of you,
You are banished,
Do not cross our eyes again,
Lest you wish to meet with the undead's tooth,
Thank you, thank you,
We will never darken your door again,
Next!
Great,
Why would anyone talk like this?
Look pal, you weren't there,
And we were,
Do you not think you're,,,
You're writing it as you remember it,
rather than what actually happened?
All right friend, how else would you do it?
I don't know, realistically,
This is meant to be escapism, mate,
If you want realism, look out the fucking window!
Oh hiya, you all right,
Okay, hiya,
So erm, this isn't as big a part as ours,
But you will be playing Adam,
and he was the fourth housemate,
So you're sort of important, by default,
- Sure, - Okay?
I mean you die obviously, quite early on,
But you know, that's what happened, so,
Shall we just go through the scene,
and see how you get on?
Sure, yeah,
Okay, great,
Good, okay,
Well I go first, so,,,
Oh, just having a little,,,
A little shake,
Okay,
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba,
He's doing the warm up,
Warm up? Warm up!
Vocal, vocal,
- Vocal, - Vocal?
- Vocal, - Oh, vocal chords?
Oh right, okay,
- He's a professional, - You all right?
Okay, so,
- Okay, - Okay,
Thanks, ready?
Oh Adam, it's horrible!
What's happening? The dead,
They live,
But how can this be?
Somebody's been playing with God's cookbook,
And it looks like they've brought back a recipe,
From hell,
That's pretty good, really good,
Yeah, wow,
He isn't finished, yet,
Oh right okay, sorry,
Should wait maybe, a bit,
Is he, is he all right?
And scene!
- Oh wow, - Whoa!
Very good!
Sorry,
- No, that was so good! - I was just lost in the art!
I mean like, such sparks,
Like, really vibing, Oh, god,
Gosh, can I just?
- It was fantastic, - Oh, that's great,
- Thank you- - Thank you very much,
So much!
- Nice, nice, - Thank you,
Oh my, oh god!
Wow,
Well for me, it's-
- It's the love of film,
It's the love of film, audience reaction,
I love to see the audience, at the end of the film,
Crying, smiling,
Walking out that theater,
Thinking, wow,
- It's, it's- - We've just seen some magic,
It's a piece of,,,
Well it's kind of sharing humanity, isn't it?
Don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing,
at this point,
No one, there's not really,,,
There doesn't seem to be a real organization, as such,
It's just, there seem to be people doing things,
But I think they're just kind of looking busy,
so that they,,,
Look busy,
Yeah, I've never been in a film,
I mean, I've never thought about it,,,
Really,
About watching myself doing things,
that I've done in the past,
It's like memories, innit,
But you will not be in the film
because you're make up,
Oh yeah,
Oh yeah, we're doing this now?
We're doing this now?
Fuck,
Er,,,
Yeah, er,,,
It's been trying,
You know, you come over,
And you're trying to do, with all of this that's going on,
All of this craziness,
You're trying to do a proper job, still,
Still got the training,
Still you know, trying to get call sheets done,
Trying to make sure people get to set, on time,
Health and safety,
And they're just, you know,
Everything that they're doing
is just like, detrimental to that,
It's been a,,,
They're not here, are they?
I think this is going pretty well,
Yeah,
Shame about that chap who's playing Ad,
He doesn't last the script, does he?
Yeah but that's what happened, you know,
We gotta adhere to the historical accuracy,
He died horribly,
- Adam? - Yeah, he really did,
Hi, I heard you were looking for some biscuits,
So, er, Yes!
I thought I'd bring these over
Oh, thank you,
I just had to say, I'm really excited to be here,
I'm a huge fan of the blog,
You're a fan of the blog?
Oh wow, yes it's helped get me through
some very dark days,
She's a fan of the blog!
Got her through some dark days!
Yeah I heard, yeah,
What about the biscuits?
Oh, yeah,
Fucking Jaffa Cakes!
Oh my god, thank you!
Share them out!
Don't mention it,
Look anything you need, you just let me know,
I picked the all or nothing perk
So anything you want, just ask!
That was you?
Yeah, I'm Lyndsey,
Lucky donor number seven!
We didn't think anybody would be that gullible,
Er, generous!
Generous, as to pick that perk,
And not expect anything in return,
Oh I'm a fan, so just being here's reward enough,
A fan!
Oh my god, you're lovely!
I love you!
Thanks, I love you too,
Anyway, best go get more Jaffa Cakes,
Great,
Oh actually, have you been assigned a role yet?
I auditioned this morning, but I got rejected,
So I think I'm in the wrangling department,
but I'm not really sure what that is,
Yeah, that's zombie control,
Don't worry, we'll give you a stick,
Great!
Whatever, I'm totally fine with that,
I mean, they're amazing!
I mean, how can you not think they're amazing?
I mean, they're just literally my idols,
Like, I just hope that they like me,
as much as I like them,
Give me your hand, if you want to live,
Give me your hand if you want to live?
Live,
Okay, it's Adam's death scene,
Where's Adam?
No, I don't want any Jaffa Cakes
Actually no, just stay here a second,
Actually Miles, I've recast Lyndsey as Adam,
So, now it's Madam,
What?
Yeah, I,,,
I,,,
Oh, yeah,
No sorry, sorry mate,
We've just had a little bit of a rethink, you know,
And I just think you know,
you'd be great in the stunt department,
Tony, hey tony!
We're, erm,,,
This guy is gonna make us such a great stunt guy,
don't you think?
With that hair, and the,,,
Come with me,
We're gonna have loads of fun,
Great, you know,
I just, you know,
It's just a bit of a sausage-fest otherwise,
don't you think?
So I thought in the interests of diversity, I'd recast Adam,
Cause I thought it'd be good, you know,
To have a positive female relationship, in the film,
Adam was a boy,
Was he though?
Let me check my memory bank,,,
Yes of course he cocking was!
He could have been non-binary, we don't know,
Yeah, I'm pretty fluid about most things these days,
Well you were the one's on about historical accuracy,
What does it matter?
What's that thing you're always saying?
Be the change,
Well look, I'm doing it!
I'm being the change!
I have literally never, ever said that,
You're always saying that to me,
Am I?
I think that, erm-
- Yeah that's so great, yeah,
No, I just think that history's has far too much dick in it,
It's time for a bit more boob,
Thanks for that, er, PA?
Take a note, please,
Hannah, I hate you,
And from now, I shall only be communicating with you
via my emissary,
It's two S's, yeah,
PS, eat a poo,
What?
Oh, thanks,
What?
Yeah, I've dabbled in acting before,
Which has,,,
Which has been great,
I mean, nothing compared to this
I mean, have you seen how professional these three are?
It's, er,,,
I imagine that it is, you know,
World class filming experience,
So, yeah I've done a bit,
But, nothing like this,
I kinda just got thrown into it, if I'm honest,
I don't really know what I'm doing,
But I know what colours are,
and sometimes they look okay together,
So, I think I'm doing an all right job,
The directors are,,,
Fantastic,
They are so,,,
Organized,
So this is a,,,
Lovely number,
Which I found on a,,,
On a woman, who was,,,
In pieces,
You can't really see the blood, cause it's nice and red,
This one, I found in a bin,
And this is,,,
Yellow,
As long as they do, what they said they're gonna do,
Which is my vision,
My vision is that, at the end, there will be so much blood,
There will be so much death and catastrophe,
that it will be,,,
Magnificent,
But I don't know,,,
I don't know how they're gonna do that,
Namaste, and welcome to our zombie boot camp,
Today, I'm going to be teaching you all
how to safely interact with the zombie,
Because some health and safety vampires,
insist that I do that,
First, we're gonna do a few little stretches,
So, as I do,
Okay, that's enough stretches,
Right, we're just gonna do a few zombie drills now,
So, you know,
Just see what happens,
Be the zombie,
Chaos, absolute chaos,
It's like, it's like,,,
It's like a war zone,
Except, we're all on the same side,
But I honestly don't know if I will survive
long enough to see the finished film,
Do you want to see the finished film?
Not really,
Do you think they read the call sheet?
Of course the didn't fucking read it,
God, I hope they're dead,
Why are we up this early?
Because it was your idea,
Eh?
Yeah, this whole thing's your idea!
Oh, is it?
Oh, okay,
It's exciting though, innit?
Yeah,
Where is everyone?
- Lyndsey's here, - Oh,
Hello,
Oh hello, and what time d'ya call this?
What time do we?
Where the hell have you been!
We got into so much grief, it was a blood bath!
Brian died in my arms,
Brian's gone, too?
His head fell off,
Who's Brian?
You'd know, if you read the fucking call sheet!
What's a call sheet?
We lost three people, getting here,
If you'd have been with us,
And if you'd have issued the supplies
we've been risking our lives for,
they would still be here!
Wow!
Wow, this guy is so intense,
We should get this guy in the movie,
- Oh, yeah, - We should,
Right everybody, let's get into position!
Wait, what we doing?
What's happening?
Dunno what we're doing, that's so unprofessional,
What are we, what are we doing?
- What, really? - Yeah, what we doing,
Well, I thought we were gonna do,,,
Adam, Madam's death scene,
Okay, yeah,
Wait, why are we doing that first?
Like, can't we do it in order, like real life?
That,,,
Is not really,,,
How film works,
But, why not?
Lots of reasons!
Actors aren't always available,
Some of the set and stuff, isn't ready yet,
The Minster burned down,
And so you asked us to rebuild it,
so you can film your big day Zee, or is it Zed day?
Or is it Zay day, because then it rhymes-
- Z day,
It doesn't matter!
Right, can I just get that?
Okay, so the Adam death scene,
Do we have shot list for that?
What's a shot list?
Never mind, just walk me through it,
Okay, so erm,,,
Right, well we're running away from the zombies, okay?
So, it's Day Z,
We've found out what's happening
Everybody's a zombie, it's awful
So we're running home, and then Adam gets,,,
Sorry, Madam gets attacked by zombies,
And then we're forced to leave her, to survive,
And then we sort of, we run off,
There's screaming, it's pretty awful,
Do you think you could get all that in one shot?
Yeah, great, Yeah,
Might be quite stimulating to attempt that, actually,
You know, exemplify that there really is no escaping
from the apocalypse,
That's great, okay brilliant,
I'll leave that with you, thank you,
Coming in,
Lots of blood, and stuff,
And then,,,
Yup, got it,
I've been having some thoughts
Okay,
It must have been hard, leaving Adam,
Adam, Adam,,,
Oh yeah, no,
Yeah, no it really was, yeah,
It was very difficult,
I'm sure you did everything you could,
Erm, yeah?
But I mean, we definitely will have done
everything we could do, I think,
Did we though?
I think actually, we ran away cause we were scared shitless,
You remember it one way,
You know, I'm just having second thoughts
about this death scene,
Oh god, what second thoughts are you having
about this death scene?
I just feel like, it sends the wrong message,
To have the first day
involve the killing of a female character,
You agree?
Adam wasn't female,
Yeah, but they are now,
I just think it's not right to fridge Madam,
to give us the motivation
to spend the next six months indoors,
But, it's what happened,
Secondly, it's not the start of the movie,
So, we're not beginning the movie with it,
And third, who cares?
There's millions of deaths in this movie,
Well, I just don't think only one who has to die,
should be female,
Oh, bugger this,
Ridiculous, ridiculous,
Er excuse me, can I just?
Can I, thanks,
You'll just have to,,,
Thanks very much, cheers,
Hiya, so,,,
We've,,,
We've rethought,
We've rethought the scene now, and you survive,
- Okay, - So what we're gonna do,
is we're gonna have some zombie attack you, right?
But then you escape, okay?
Okay,
That all seem fine, yeah?
So if they do attack you,
it's probably gonna be a stunt zombie, so don't worry,
If not, then Tony will get them, hopefully, okay?
- Okay, - Great,
So, is that all fine?
Yeah sure, yeah,
Happy to be here,
Me too!
Great, good,
Well, come on everyone,
Let's get started!
We're not ready!
Great, roll camera!
Man, these zombies are a real menace,
I wonder how long we are going to have them for?
Yes, this sort of thing
can really put a ding in your social calendar,
Right, Adam?
Madam, whatever,
Yes,
What do you think is the cause of this blight?
It's you,
Oh erm, bad gout,
Gout, what like gout?
Like from,,,
Well, that solves that mystery then,
It's you,
Oh, erm,,,
Yes,
Hark, a wild zombie approaches
Okay, right,
What we're gonna do now,
is we're gonna heard some zombies over
from over there, okay?
And then, instead of Madam getting bitten,
What we're actually gonna do,
is we're gonna escape,
And then we're gonna have some crisps,
All right, that's the new plan,
How are we gonna do that?
Well, you just open the bag,
And then you just,,,
Not crisps, the zombies!
How are we gonna stay alive?
They're fucking,,,
It's fine, Tony's got a plan,
No he doesn't!
Ah chill man, this is what you live for right?
- This is not safe, Tony, - It's cool, man,
- This is not safe! - It's totally cool,
We're gonna get a stunty in,
Hey stunty, come over here!
Ah come on man, put a bit more spring in your step,
this is film making!
Right so, I'm gonna go over there,
lure those lurkers over here,
You're gonna get yourself in make up
then when we start shooting,
you're gonna have a mingle with them,
And then we get real close in the shot,
you jump out, we kill you, that's the scene,
- Kill me, - Yeah,
Shall we rehearse this?
Nah man, we'll feel it out,
Erm, okay,
Do you have any safe weapons?
Great, great,
No, no, no,
How are we gonna do this?
Well, I'm gonna throw this at your head,
You're gonna catch it, pretend like it got you,
And that's it, jobs a goodun,
Yeah, I really don't think-
- Okay, we're ready over here guys!
Come on,
Go on, get your best sides towards the camera, right?
Okay yeah, you're good, you're good,
Okay, right,
Ones at the back, a bit quicker, a bit quicker,
Right okay, that's it,
Group you all up, group you all up,
Brilliant, brilliant,
Right, you guys ready to roll yet?
Bloody hell,
- Done? - Mm,
Do I look dead?
Mm,
- They're not gonna know? - Mm,
- You're sure? - Mm,
Okay,
Okay, now this is it,
But why, Hannah?
Just let them come towards you
No, no, no, no,
Just let them come towards you, it's fine,
Okay,
All right, You're mean,
Great,
No, no, no, no,
Because it's good for the film,
Living the dream,
This is what you want, Hold,
You've got friends, now,
You've got friends,
Okay Tom, can you just,,,
Can you just like, get yourself
I can't quite see you, there, Well done, really good,
Just make a hole, mate!
Come on!
Come over here, come over here
Right, right, right there, right there,
Okay, just stay right there,
Right there,
No, hands down, Jesus! No!
You'll spoil the shot, hands fucking down!
- No, - Down, down,
Hands down,
Right okay, here it comes,
Right, this is it,
It's coming, it's coming now!
Hannah made me do it,
Medic!
Oh, shit!
Cut, great take,
Right, I think we can move on,
Great day, everyone,
Great first day!
What, that's the scene?
You don't want to make more coverage?
I mean, I know what's-his-name's just died,
but I'd really like another take, if we can,
I think we've covered it,
Someone just died for that take,
the least we can do is make it worth it!
Well why do you think we're making the film, silly,
See ya tomorrow,
We're fucked!
Of course it's going to be a success,
I mean, you know,
Whatever the script is, whatever the actors are,
Whatever I get to work with, I can turn it around
and make it something quite magnificent,
There's a fucking dance sequence!
A dance sequence!
Why am I saying dance?
I don't like dancing, it's unsafe,
It's dangerous, there's a potential to fall, trip,
smash things, get in the way,
Meet people,
♪ What a spooky time ♪
♪ At the end of the world ♪
♪ When the only company is zombies ♪
♪ We could be the heroes on the stage, if we like ♪
♪ But the only audience is zombies ♪
♪ Zombies, zombies, zombies, zombies, zombies ♪
What a bunch of fucking idiots
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
Ah, ha, ha!
How has it been?
Oh no, it's been an absolute fucking nightmare!
Are you kidding me?
There's 360 pages of script,
We're doing one shot of everything,
One shot, one shot,
And then, we go to one day,
And somebody has an ear,
And then the next day, they don't have an ear,
There's no ear,
It's been bitten off,
And then Tony has a beard,
Oh no wait, he doesn't have a beard,
He shaved it off, just cause you know, his face was hot,
His chin was too warm, so he got rid of it,
And then the next day, oh what shall we do?
Oh I know, Tony just draws it on
With a Sharpie,
So you know, it's going great,
It's going great,
This is the best thing I've ever done with my life,
Thank you, thank you for asking,
Okay guys, it's the big day,
It's time for "Meat Legs",
Now, I know we're all pretty psyched about this,
I know I'm super stoked,
So what's going to be happening for the uninitiated,
is that we'll be strapping some meat to our legs,
We're gonna barrel into the woods,
And we're gonna fuck with some zombies,
The end,
Yeah, yeah?
Pretty psyched,
So yeah, you guys wanna get yourself taped up?
- No, - Lyndsey go on,,,
It'll be fun! Okay,
Yeah, you do it,
- Cool, - Yeah, I'm not doing it,
No, no, Oh, you're not?
No, no way,
No chance in hell,
Being brave Lyndsey, you get the pokey stick,
to fend some zombies off,
Largely useless, but it's, you know,
Good psychological body armor,
Okay, let's do this,
All right,
And then,,,
- Well then, the head turn- - Is it look, and do that?
- The head turn- - Or is, it?
No you turn,,,
Great, did you see this?
I did see it,
Oo,
Did we win?
Ah, good,
There, there,
Oo, maybe be should just chop it off?
We'll just chop it off,
What, no, no, no,
It's fine, it's fine,
I'll just, I'll muscle through,
But, it's,,,
It's a bit of a nightmare down there,
No, no, no, no, no,
No, no, no, it's fine,
I'll make it through to the end of the shoot,
and then you can, you know, chop
You can just chop it, then,
This fucking girl!
I love you!
I love you,
Oh god,
Okay,
Oh, no,
The pater was in the forces,
And he said sort of, similar sort of things,
when people were dropping down like flies,
It sort of knitted people together,
So I think we're having
something of a similar sort of thing,
which is all to the,,,
All to the good, I feel,
I don't think any of us are gonna be surviving,
apart from Tony, Miles and Hannah,
But I think that's all part of Tony's plan,
Alas, poor Romeo,
The time has come, to launch a nuclear missile,,,
At the zombie queen,
Okay, cut!
What, what am I doing wrong?
It's not so much that you're doing it wrong,
It's just that there's a certain
Americanism to your pronunciation,
I suppose it's my upbringing, innit,
Yes, possibly,
I tell you what, let's try something,
Say missile,
Mizzle,
Missile,
MissAISLE,
No, like I said it,
MisslLE,
MissAISLE,
Okay, there's something in here
you're obviously not getting,
Let's try, let's try another word,
Mobile,
Mobule,
Mobile,
MoBAIYLE,
MoblLE,
MobAIYLE,
You're trying too hard!
I'm not trying, at all,
Try harder, not to try,
This is really trying,
You're really trying,
This is really upsetting,
Cut it, cut it,
I don't wanna do this, anymore
You sure you're all right?
Yeah, I just don't wanna lay a zombie egg,
Oh, you're gonna be fine,
Oh, fucking hell,
Lyndsey?
I mean I think really,
you've got to look at this holistically, you know?
We're in the middle of a project
and overall it's going very well
See it's just through here, with the ambulance,
And then- Oh, this is a good location!
So, we're a touch concerned about the production,
Concerned, why?
I think it's going really well,
I think the crew might have a different perspective,
Yeah well, they may,
But we don't care, we're the directors,
Yeah,
- So, - Exactly,
Yes well, we took the platinum producer credit,
Which stated explicitly,
that we would have a hand in the production of the film,
But so far, all we've had our hands in,
is the guts of our crew,
Very good,
But it's an honorary title, so Exec Producer,
Stand around on set, with your arms folded,
So, well done, Perfect,
It's a lot more complicated than that,
It's fine, we know exactly what we're doing,
This is all part of the plan,
So getting your crew eaten by the local wildlife,
is part of the plan?
Well actually, that wasn't part of the plan,
But I think it adds an element of realism to the film,
that's quite compelling,
It's compelling, it is!
- It's, it's,,, - Compelling,
What they would have wanted,
Yeah,
And the film looks great!
About that,
When can we see the rushes?
All right, we're getting a move on, we're rushing,
The footage, when can we see it?
- At the premier? - No, no,
Not good enough,
We want to know that our investment is being paid off,
- Investment,,, - Investment,,,
Oh, they gave us stuff,
What did you give us, again?
2,5 tons of toilet roll,
Gold leaf, with aloe vera,
Soft touch,
No actually, that has been a god send,
Cause we've been using doc leaves,
Books at the library! Books, yeah,
Just so many of them,
All that ink, on everywhere, Ow!
Yeah,
One of the benefits of IBS,
I'm always prepared for an errant bowel movement,
- Nice, - Lovely,
Shall we get back on set?
Cause we've got magic to create,
And you have to do some looming as usual,
I imagine, No, no, no,
I think we have seen more than enough of your set,
Just do not fuck it up, or there will be consequences,
Could you be a bit more specific about consequences?
Cause at this stage, you know,
We've been through quite a lot,
so that's a bit vague for us,
Just try and get though the day,
with an actual usable scene,
Without killing anyone,
We'll try,,,
To get one of those, We'll try,
Yeah, try one of those,
You can only promise so much, can't you?
Half of one of those,
Which is what, seven and a half?
- Seven and a half, - Seven and a half,
I think it's good to promise people things,
because you know- And then not deliver them,
It builds trust,
They are gonna be a problem,
Don't worry,
I have a plan to deal with them,
- Oo, - Oo,
So here we are on the set, as it were,
We've sort of stumbled across this abandoned,
Halloween theme park, or whateve
There's like, limbs hanging from doorways and,,,
I think, I think they're pretend limbs,
This is Pete, who I hired to replace Pete the medic,
I think Pete's better at his job, this Pete,
Cause he's got a really big gun,
What the fuck is this!
It's the set you asked for,
Yeah, I know what I asked for,
Which I'm asking, what the fuck is this?
You gave her two weeks to build the Minster,
That's perfectly enough time,
It took hundred of years to build the original,
you arsehole!
Duh, they did it by hand in those days,
We've got 3D printers now, this is so shit!
I wanna, I wanna be sick on it,
I thought you were good at this,
No, you put me in the role,
Yeah, you volunteered,
I didn't,
Well, I don't care,
Just make it work, all right?
You,,,
You wait 'till the Producers hear about this!
Ah, the Producers,
The Producers!
Oh, the Producers!
Oh!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
What you doing?
Ah, no!
Ah, what are we gonna do?
We've got loads left to film with her, look at her!
I don't know, we could,,,
We could like, CG in her live face onto her dead face?
I've seen your CG, so that's a no,
Like, stick some human make-up on her,
And like, you can double her lines,
And Bob's your undead uncle,
I don't know, let me just think, hang on,
Oh okay, I'll get some Jaffa Cakes,
No Tony, it's not gonna work,
We sound nothing alike,
I can't tell any difference
between the two of you, whatsoever,
We're doing this,
- Okay, we've got no choice, - Sound dude, get in here,
Mic this girl up, we're gonna do a take,
Sc 49 ah,
Four, four!
- Good board, good board, - It was not,
No don't applaud that, that was shite,
Right, is everyone ready?
Yes,
- Action! - Eh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Okay, action,
And then we,,,
Look at the Minster,
Isn't it lovely?
Yes, I enjoy how the light is,,,
When the sunlight through stained glass windows,
- Of the majestic Min,,, - Of the majestic Minster,
Oh, yeah,
The light in this shot is amazing,
Oh god, all right,
- You can't put it there, - Oh, fucking hell!
God, all right,
Look, there's a man over there
He looks unwell,
He does look unwell,
Maybe he could be the start of an outbreak,
What?
- Perhaps, yes, - No,
But then, I'll need a weapon to deal with this,
- Oh, - There!
Oh my god,
So what I do,,,
Shall I hit him?
Later we learn that you should destroy the brain,
Right, which brain?
Oh, its brain!
Right, okay, okay,
So, I hit it in the brain,
Shall I go and do that now?
- Mm, - Okay,
Yes, strike it in the brain,
Here I go!
Here's the money shot,
Gr, arg,
Ah, yeah,
Beautiful shot,
Wow, you really smacked him one,
Actually, that looked great,
I'm really glad we got that,
Brilliant!
So, wow, Oh, sorry,
I really hope there's not more of them,
What do you think, Lyndsey?
Oh where's Lyndsey? Oh, Lyndsey's over there,
Can we, can we get Lyndsey?
Just to sort of,,,
Nestle in there,
Oh wait no, don't put the microphone,,,
Don't get that close,
Don't get that close!
Ah!
Ah, I say!
Oh, oo shit,
Oh fuck, Oo,
I knew this would happen,
We need her!
Do we need her?
- She made a shit Minster, - Well, I mean,
- No, don't,,, - Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
It's okay, it's okay,
I'll never let go, I'll never let go!
It's fine, I won't let go!
Oh god!
Oh no, Tony!
We're gonna need another make up guy!
This is horrid,
Yeah, it really is,
Oh, oh shit!
- Oh, Christ - Oh, shit,
Oh, they're everywhere,
Where are the weapons, where are the weapons?
Weapons?
The security guy's got them, for security,
Well, where's the security guy
Uh, I suppose he's uh, there!
Oh god, right, you take that,
No wait, I've only got one bullet!
I've only got one bullet!
Shit!
Ah this shot, ah it's just exquisite!
What?
I've just,,,
Fuck off!
It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay,
It's okay, it's okay,
It's okay, it's all right,
Just don't go panicking,
What?
No, no, no!
That's better
Erm, right,
Ah, medic!
Kilimanjaro,
I uh, I dropped your bat but then I found it,
Ah, thanks,
Ah, that's better,
I feel safe, now,
Okay, well this feels horribly familiar,
Oh shit, the DOP,
The DOP's making off with the film!
Oh god, Oh, no!
I don't wanna go in there, it's horrible!
All right, I'll go in there then,
Okay great, yeah,
I'll find some transport,
You do that,
You take care of all of this, how's that?
- We'll do that, - Brilliant,
Let's do this!
Have a great time!
Excuse me,
Thanks, sorry,
Yep, thank you,
Right, okay,
Okay, phew!
All your brains are belong to me!
Hey guys, do you reckon they want to eat the brain?
Oh god,
Fastards!
Oh, fuck off,
Nope,
Fastards,,,
There's fastards, there's fastards!
Remember your kata, remember your kata,
Fast zombies, fast zombies exist,
Okay, that makes the apocalypse slightly less fun,
I've gotta get the,,,
The zombies out there, but I've gotta get the film,
But the fil,,,
Why are we in a scare house?
I mean this is just asking for it, isn't it?
Oh, finger,
Popping smoke,
Popping smoke!
Fuck you,
You,,,
Handsome, though,
Yeah, good,
Style under pressure,
Hannah would hate this, that's what's making me enjoy it,
♪ We're sneaking through the bushes ♪
Right,
Okay now, let's have a quick look,
I see Tony's been popping smoke, again,
Right,
Okay,
Now, Tony was doing that,
Miles was following the DOP, to get the film,
What was I supposed to do?
Oo transport, okay I got it,
Oo!
Great, okay,
Yeah, that looks good,
I'm gonna get that,
I'm gonna get us a nice van,
Let's just,,,
Not worry about that,
Right open, good start,
Ah, this is great!
Perfect, right, now where am I gonna put you?
I'll put you there,
Right, keys,,,
No, works in films doesn't it?
Okay,
Er,,,
Oo!
How do you,,,
Oh,
Ah, it's you!
Right, now gimme the,,,
This way, this way,
This way, this way!
Through here!
I'm going for it again,
Ah, shit!
Yeah,
Why,,,
I just wanna,,,
I just wanna get into,,,
I just wanna have this sweet!
There's not even a way in!
Can I get in there, no,
Can I?
How do you?
There's not, I haven't got any nails today,
Oh god,
That was intense,
That was super intense,
Let's see where,,,
Is there a way out through here?
Fucking help me!
Help me dude!
You serious?
Looks like it's,,,
Raining dead, Wooooow
Right, let's get out of here,
Oh, shit!
I'm sorry!
Oh shit,
No, no, no,
No, that's,,,
Oh, fuck,
Erm, what to do,
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Yeah, laugh it up,
Okay, I'm in,
Great,
Ugh!
Oh god,
Ugh,
Don't know how long that had been in there,
Disgusting,
Right,
Oh, Miles is here!
Can't wait to show him the van,
Maybe I'm gonna give him one of those sweets,
I got it!
Well done,
I got us a van,
So, hang on,
While I was being chased around the dark by zombies,
Yeah,
- To get this, - Yeah,
You were sat in a van?
- Acquiring the van, - Right,
Haven't found the key for it yet,
but you know, it's quite good though, innit,
- It's quite good, yeah, - Yeah,
Start the engine!
Start the fucking engine!
It's Alan Grenadehand,
It's Alan!
Don't shoot it, not yet!
Not yet, not yet, not yet,
Shoot it!
Jesus,
- Nice shot, - Thanks,
Not as good as my shot, but you know,
Yeah, whatever,
You tried the key?
There's, it's not under the flippy thing,
- You checked the visor? - Yeah, of course,
I tried the flippy thing,
It didn't work!
On my, on my side,
Yeah, well done,
Hiya, there you go,
All right?
Did you see that?
Yeah,
- Nice shot, - Thanks,
I told you fast zombies were real,
Oh, fuck off!
I told you, we should have saved the sound guy,
It's fine though, because that's why
they call it a rough cut, right?
Yeah, but this is more of a suicide cut,
Mm, there's some good stuff there, though,
I think all the people who died,
would be really, really, proud of what we've achieved,
Heard you had a bit of a bad day,
Yeah, that's one way of putting it,
You lost half the crew,
Well, in a film production, there's always attrition,
The zombie apocalypse, is not fucking attrition,
It was worth it, though,
If you see the footage that we've,,,
That we've got,
That's why were here,
Play the rough cut,
Well I mean,
it's not quite ready, Show it to us, now,
Isn't it a beautiful day outside?
It would be such a shame, if something were,,,
Like a zombie apocalypse, or some, for example,
If that were to happen today,
Don't you think, Lynds, er Madam?
Yes,
Yep,
I've got a lot of things to do, today,
Yes and we should do them together in town,
because we like to go blogging in town together,
It's the thing that we do,
And we should get Miles and Tony and,,,
Go into town, to blog together,
We must infiltrate the facility,
Yes!
We have infiltrated the facility
We have to hack the apocalypse,
Ah, they really wanna come through,
Lyndsey, can you help us?
Maybe,
In my,,,
In my bag, there's some,,,
I can't help you unless I move, you see,
But I can't move,
Okay, okay, oo!
I have this small, right hand,
I stole the zombie eggs, from the zombie queen,
Yes, thank you,
Then I now, will put them in the incubator,
Am I supposed to be wearing a lab coat?
Put them in the incubator, and then we can study them,
There's only one thing
that can kill the queen of the zombies,
The tooth of the Megalodon,
The greatest predator that ever lived?
The very same,
Oh my god, the queen,
It's grown!
Destroy it!
Oh, ah!
I mean, maybe we could have done
more than one take of everything,
It's very bold, stylistically,
It's very good at sort of, jerking the audience around,
And I think we may have gone too far, in a few places,
- It's gonna be great, - It's gonna be great,
It's gonna be great,
Is this supposed to be a joke?
Some kind of undead You've Been Framed?
Well, no,
I promise, there are no cameras in any of the toilets,
I'm speechless,
We didn't give you a part,
I think we've seen enough,
- Hey! - What are you doing?
Hey!
What we should have done from the beginning,
You're fired,
You can't do that,
Yes, we can,
It's in your small print,
Damn it, Hannah!
As Producers, we are confiscating this material,
And we will assign a new Director, to re-shoot this,,,
Mess,
But the perks!
We never cared about the perks
If you never cared about the perks,
then why are you making the film?
Well, the same reason as you,
The love,
- It was more boredom, - It's boredom, really,
We were sort of, sitting about,
We might give you a credit,
If we're feeling generous,
Maybe Exec Producers?
Now,
If you'll excuse us,
We,,,
Have a film to save,
You can tell our luck's changed,
Because none of these hats suit me,
None of them,
And I always look good in hats,
God, look at it!
This is awful!
What are you doing?
I'm playing myself at chess,
And I'm losing, Why?
- Because I'm depressed, - Yeah,
Because our film got taken away from us,
And we made that film,
And we suffered, Did we?
And other people suffered,
And also died, to make the,,,
I didn't think I'd care this much, to be honest,
I know, me too,
I feel rubbish,
And there we go,
I've just check-mated myself,
so that little pleasures over, isn't it?
Shall we go and see what Tony's doing?
- Yeah, - Yeah?
He can make any shopping trip fun,
- That's true, - He'll perk us up,
Wow, do you think this place
has been untouched since the 40's?
Hannah, this is an antique sho
There he is, hello Tony,
Meh,
Wait, what you doing?
Shopping,
This isn't shopping,
Shopping's usually fun,
Make it fun, Tony,
- Yeah, make it fun, - Make it fun,
- Make it fun,
- It's not fun anymore, - Why?
We lost the film,
Yeah,
I thought we were doing something important,
Yeah I do, I feel that way,
I know,
There were all those new people,
And like, other women,
And actual dudes,
I'm an actual dude,
Well you know, like real ones,
All right, yeah,
Wait, what's this?
Dom and Jo Carpenter present a Dom and Jo Carpenter film,
Zomblogalypse, coming Halloween 2029,
Directed and produced by and staring Dom and Jo Carpenter,
Are you speaking in tongues now, or something?
Zomblogalypse, that's our film!
Who's made that?
The fucking cheek!
- No, that's ours, - It is!
That we, we should,,,
No, I can't be bothered actually
No, you're right,
We should!
We've gotta do something about this,
They've taken our film, they've stolen it,
Yeah, yeah,
We go to the premiere,
We swap the films, we show ours instead,
Ours?
We don't have a film to show,
We re-shoot it,
We can't re-shoot,,,
Well actually I suppose if it's
That comes out in Halloween,
And this is, it's Christmas now,
Then we've got what, eight months?
No, Halloween's like,,,
Tomorrow,
Is it?
Yeah, I find it really useful
to keep track of time in the apocalypse,
for sanity purposes,
Okay, well that's not a lot of time,
No, it is, we can do it!
We just simplify everything,
That's how we should have done it all, in the first place,
No zombies, no random crew humans, just us,
I mean, that sounds kinda dull, don't ya think?
I mean, it could make a fun montage,
Yeah, at least!
Do you wanna, shall we do it?
- Yes! - Shall we do it?
Yes!
Mark it!
Zomblogalypse the Movie, action!
Take one, scene one,
One one,
Directors, us,
Scene one,
Take 2,593,
And,,,
Lights!
Camera, action,
Action!
Pah!
Night vision, activated,
That's a wrap,
Yay!
- Right, - Hooray!
- Yeah? - Yep,
I think it was quite good,
It's quite good,
It's open,
Go on, go on, go on then,
- Okay, we're at the cinema, - Yes,
What film have we come to see?
You do remember why we're here?
- Yes, - Good,
Projection booth's through there,
Hannah and I will go through, we'll swap the films,
Oh, is that what,,,
Yes, that's why we shot everything last night,
Okay, so we're gonna swap the films,
Right, got it,
Why else did you think we were doing it?
Look, I didn't question it
when you wanted to do a table read
of every episode of Dr, Who, last year,
- That was re- - Shh,
That was research,
Anyway, this is your hare-brained idea,
You wanted to make a movie,
Oh, was it?
Oh I'm looking forward to seeing it now, then,
Right anyway, get on with it,
I'll buy you some time,
Okay, what you gonna do?
What we do best, improvise,
We go through there
Ah, look, look, look, look, look,
Ah, clear,
No one here?
Yeah, everything's automated these days,
The magic's gone,
You got the film?
Yeah, hold that,
See,
Yeah, what a ride, what a ride!
Hey, what a crowd!
Yeah, woo!
Now, we all know this project came about
in the strangest of ways,
But these are the strangest of times,
Life is short out there,
So you have to grasp it, with both hands,
And you all did just that, so thank you,
All perks will be released, after the screening,
Yay!
Now, we all know how hard this has been,
Not everyone who started this journey with us,
has made it to the end,
Although I've seen quite a few outside,
So, while people might not be here with us in spirit,
They're certainly with us, in decaying body,
Woo, what a ride!
Well done, well done,
But you forgot one,,,
Well, three things, three things actually,
Well, what's that then?
Me, and the other two,
Hannah and Tony,
Three, three people,
You forgot us,
What are you doing here?
I'm here for my moment in the spotlight,
just like you two,
Why do you keep looking up there?
Oh there, is that where the film's showing?
Well if you could put your film on,
we could all enjoy your magnum opus,
That would be lovely,
I think you should just go up, and have a look,
I want to watch the film!
You've seen it, already,
- Not with an audience, - Just go!
Why don't we all have a little pre-show Q and A?
Great idea,
I'll do it, I'll do it, No, I didn't mean you,,,
Good evening, ladies and germs
Welcome to this evening's screening of our film,
I'd like to ask you- Our film,
A few questions,
- Goodness, - Anyone got any questions?
- Yes, any questions? - Not you, not you,
Him at the back,
The one next to the ugly one,
Bloody hot in here,
How do you make it work?
I think you sort of stick it in,
and wiggle it round a little bit
Yikes,
Double yikes,
So, I'd like to ask you some questions about your film,
That we're about to endure,
Where'd you get your actors?
Well, as you know,
our previous leads were let go, due to creative differences,
Creative differences,
Yes, it is unfortunate,
but sometimes, you just have to go in a different direction,
Oh I see, a different direct,,
Was that direction up your own arse?
I hate uninvited guests,
Aha!
Tony, Tony shoot him,
I can't, he's a person!
Is he?
Oh ho, what's this, ah?
Okay, Tony,
You've shot loads of people before, come on,
It was an accident, though,
And the rest were zombies!
Okay, listen,
All right, everybody calm down,
All right, everybody just calm down,
All right, I'm putting the camera down,
Putting the camera down, all right?
Okay, just calm down everyone,
Why don't we just,,,
All right,
Oo look, 10% off!
10% off?
Ah you, damn!
Tony, shoot him!
Shoot him, shoot him!
I'll get his kneecap,
- Jesus! - No, give it to me!
Its my gun! Get off, get off!
Oh my god Tony, come on!
Okay so, tell us the process,
You know, other than sort of standing around,
bossing people with your arms folded,
And just swanning off, in your bomber jackets,
You know, tell us- Arms folded?
About your process,
Arms folded?
My arms aren't folded, Of film making,
Well they're not now, are they,
No, no, my arms are rarely folded,
Actually, sometimes I do fold my arms,
Because it is a well known fact,
that folded arms help the blood flow to the brain,
Let go of it!
Give us the gun!
Why are you so strong!
I can't get his finger off the trigger!
Get off!
Recover quickly, Tony!
- Get off! - Yes!
Get off!
Break his ankle!
Hannah, Hannah,
It's Lyndsey, it's Lyndsey!
Get him, Lyndsey!
No, no, no, ah!
Get off, get off!
Get him, go on, yes!
You're the best!
Keep going!
Oh my god,
Why didn't I shoot him?
Oh my,,,
You okay, Tony?
Are you okay, Tony?
You okay, you?
And then, if any of you get bored during this screening,
Feel free to just leave, the doors are here,
And here, Do you ever,,,
Actually shut,,,
Up?
Very rarely, I've been told,
And sometimes I stop listening,
And sometimes like during this film,
I'll probably stop breathing, and living,
And die, Oh please, if you could,
If you could, that would be really, really good,
If you could just stop breathing
because I would just really, really, welcome the sweet,,,
We all would,
The sweet, sweet relief of that,
♪ If you should find me lying face down in the gutter ♪
♪ Don't you bother to save me ♪
♪ I'll never love another ♪
♪ Notify my father, please ♪
♪ But don't save me ♪
♪ But good luck trying to find him ♪
♪ I ain't seem him since I was three ♪
♪ If you see him, say I miss him ♪
♪ But don't you let him cry for me ♪
♪ Well he stepped out on the porch to smoke ♪
♪ And I ain't never seen him again ♪
♪ Mama cried, and then she lied ♪
♪ Said he'd gone on vacation ♪
♪ And lying's a sin ♪
Oh Tony, I feel so bad for you!
Not enough to touch you or anything,
or help in any way,
All right both,
Hey, whoa, Hey,
Ugh god, that's horrible,
Oh that's Dom, innit? Yep,
- It's all over my foot, - Yeah,
We, er- That's disgusting,
We had a ripping time,
Hey guys, look, look,
The film!
Our version of the film is playi
And the zombies are watching it!
Well, who's put our version of the film on?
This fucking girl!
Mark's got eaten by the zombie queen,
What?
Oh no, he just wanted to lie in today,
Oh yeah sorry, we're making a film,
What are we gonna do?
Whoa, this is a lot,
Loads of them, loads of them,
They're watching the film, they're watching the film!
Do you think they're enjoying it?
- Yeah sure, why not? - Okay,
We'll sit at the front,
Do you think anyone will mind?
- Nah, - Okay, go on,
♪ Hey, Colorado, it's been a long time ♪
♪ Since I last smelled the breeze in your ponderosa pines ♪
♪ I've been doing all right ♪
♪ And I hope you've been fine ♪
♪ Hey, Colorado, it's been a long time ♪